Date Night

We have come to another weekend. I love weekends. I love my clean house on Fridays. And after a seeming eternity I am finally feeling well enough at night to possibly even enjoy a night out with my hubby. I haven't had a babysitter in so long. 

Yesterday one of my awesome young women stopped by to drop off some cookie dough I bought from her for a school fundraiser. After I closed the door the girls all came downstairs in the PJs from their bed to see who it was. After I told them who it was Lauren said, "Mom, can't you call her back to babysit us? I miss her. We don't ever get to play with babysitters anymore." It was really cute. And it just pointed out to me how long it really has been since my days of weekly date nights. Time to get back at that I think. 

What do you like to do on your date nights? Jon and I love to go out to eat. We just love good food. But sometimes I think it would be fun to do something different for a change. Got any ideas for me? I think maybe we will head to the temple this weekend. We'll see.

D.C.

I still haven't gotten the photos from Jon's phone of our trip yet but I will post a few of them when I do. For now I just want to list all the things we did in DC and maybe I will take some time to write the details of our adventure little by little.

Wed Oct. 13 - Fly all day. Miss our connecting flight. Make it to DC. Take the Metro to our hotel. Take a taxi to Union Station. Eat southern food there. Show the girls around the building. Walk the 2 miles back to the hotel via the Capitol and Mall. By the end we were all pooped but the girls were troopers.

Thurs Oct. 14 - Raining. Cab to the White House Tour (Sabrina got a tummy ache in line so Jon had to take her back to the hotel.) Meet the white house dog during the tour. Walk to the Smithsonians. Meet up with Jon and a "feeling all better" Sabrina at the Natural History Museum. See fossils, mammals, rocks, gems, the Hope Diamond, hold insects, eat lunch, and under the sea exhibits. Walk to Air and Space Museum. Look at all the cool planes and rockets. Kids play in the How things fly exhibit. Participate in the paper airplane flying contest. Sabrina comes in 2nd place. Walk to the National Gallery. Enjoy the art (well all except Annie who thought that part was boring.) Sit on the steps outside the National Gallery debating where to go get dinner. Decide on Spike Mendelsohn's Good Stuff Eatery. Good call on the food. Great burgers, awesome sweet potato fries and shakes ... don't even get me started on how incredible the shakes were. YUMMM. Cab back to the hotel for journaling and book reading before bed.

Fri Oct. 15 - American History Museum. First Ladies dresses exhibit, transportation exhibit, presidents exhibit, the Star Spangled Banner, Kids play at Invention at play exhibit, lunch there at the museum, Spark lab learning about how much sugar there is in drinks and candy. Capitol tour by Harry Reid Interns. Georgetown Law Center Campus tour. Geez they have certainly added perks in the last 10 years. Wish they had a swimming pool when I was there. Dinner at Art Smith's restaurant Art and Soul. Southern food goes high end. Cab to hotel for journaling, book reading and bed.

Sat Oct. 16 - Rent car. Eastern Market for our best breakfast of the trip. French toast like no other. Miss it  already. Zoo. See Pandas up close eating. See elephants, tiger, lion, orangutans, and lots of reptiles and small mammals. Lauren laughs for 10 minutes at turtles trying to eat each other. National Cathedral. Lebanese food for lunch. Everyone tries baba ganoush. Back to the American History Museum for more play time in the Invention playroom. Picnic on the mall of PB&Honey and fruit for dinner. Sunset at the Lincoln Memorial. Back to hotel for journaling, and reading and bed.

Sun Oct. 17 - Eastern Market Pastries for breakfast, check out of hotel, go to temple visitors center and see temple, go to spanish sacrament meeting next door, picnic PB&H at temple. Arlington National Cemetary, tomb of unknown soldier changing of the guard, Kennedy gravesite. Drive to our friends the Speckarts house to "check in" to the Speckart hotel. Dessert party with them and the Sherinians. Catching up with old friends.

Mon Oct. 18 - Take Jon to Dulles for day trip to Boston on business. Drive to Mt. Vernon. Do kids treausure map tour and learn about George Washington. Play in the kids learning center. The girls dress up as colonial kids, do puzzles, have a tea party and learn about GW. Dinner in the Mt. Vernon restaurant featuring authentic colonial time food. Everyone tries peanut/chestnut soup. Lauren feels not well so we leave. She feels better 20 mins. later after a small nap in the car. National Harbor, play and photos at the Awakening Statue. See a wedding happen there. Ben and Jerry's ice cream and Cake Love cupcakes. Back to Speckarts for dinner and playing on the tree swing in the back yard. Jon comes back from Boston. Talking to friends and packing up to be ready for early morning flight home.

Tues Oct. 19 - Up at 5:45 for 8 a.m. flight. Return rental car and fly home.

It was a jam packed adventure. The kids were troopers with all the walking involved. I was surprised at how well they handled it. I think they were like the dogs in the Movie Up. Everytime we saw a squirrel Lauren would yell "SQUIRREL!" and they would all start chasing till the squirrel found a tree or bush. We got some sweet video of that. In all there is just too much to do in DC in such a short time.

We're Back!

We just got back from our SO fun vacation to D.C. So much to tell. I'll be posting about that soon. The girls all got better by the morning we had to fly out and no one got sick on our trip! Yeah!!! What a blessing. Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers.

Another bonus was that I didn't feel sick our whole trip. Perfect timing for the nausea to go away. We ate some great food that has totally popped my belly out. I feel like I am looking more pregnant than fat now. I'll post photos soon.

We were all most excited to see Noble the whole way home. It was rather anticlimactic for me as Sabrina and Lauren saw him first and he gave them hugs as Sabrina picked him up. Then they turned around so he could see me and ... nothing. He wouldn't even come to me but just wanted to stay with Sabrina. I finally pulled him into my arms and he just whined to go back to Saby. I guess I am glad he likes Sabrina so much. Maybe he was mad at me for leaving him for so long. Who knows. He warmed up to give me kisses after a few minutes.

Jon got a MUCH better reaction with laughs and giggles and cries of "Dada!!!" He has been following Jon around ever since. He snuggled Annie's head as she laid it in him lap on the ride home. He looks so big and so darn BLOND to me. I am so excited to be with him again.

I feel relaxed and refreshed and happy. And now I am excited to go to Mutual tonight and do my Clue game. It is going to be fun! Can't wait.

A night of prayer

Well the rest of yesterday was a VAST improvement from the morning. We got things turned around and peace restored in the home. I have to say nothing tempers the temper for me better than so really good music and my Mormon Tabernacle choir was performing miracles in my heart yesterday.

I worked hard all day and was just beat by 8:30 when I finally sat down. The two younger girls were just getting out of the bath and Sabrina had just finished the last of her homework. Then Lauren came down still wrapped in her towel... and threw up all over the floor. Luckily she was on tile. I am usually pretty good about throw up but my sensitive nose was having a hard time so I called in Jon. Apparently it was just that my nose was sensitive because we just about had a family throw up party right there.

Between the two of us tag teaming we got Lauren and the floor cleaned up. The older girls had to put themselves to bed as we nursed Lauren. At around 9:30 Jon went to bed. Lauren continued to throw up every 30 minutes or so till 4 a.m. Then Noble was awake and jumping in his bed till 4:30 and then Annie came in to tell me she had to go to the bathroom at 5:17.

Lauren seems to be feeling a bit better since 4 a.m. She has kept a bit of water down. I think I prayed the whole night that she would get better quickly and no one else would get sick. I don't know how we could do our trip to DC (which we leave for tomorrow) with the stomach flu.

Hopefully Lauren will feel well today so I can finish prepping for our trip today. And hopefully sometime today I will manage to fit in a solid nap.

**************************UPDATE***********
Ann Marie started trowing up at 8 a.m. Luckily she still had a relatively empty stomach and she hasn't thrown up again. Both Lauren and Annie are already feeling lots better (a little weak but no longer nauseous.) Now we are all just praying like mad that it doesn't hit any of the rest of us.

Disappointed

Today Satan hit hard and he won. I lost my temper and had my own childish meltdown at my kids. Now they are in school and I am trying to regroup and change (repent) enough to be able to make peace once more in my home when they come home.

The worst part about all of this is that I know better - so much better. It kills me that I can let this happen after knowing and learning all I did from the Spirit about home and how a home can and SHOULD feel.

Disappointed in my kids and even way more disappointed in myself -- the 35 year old who had a temper tantrum today. Thankfully the Savior has made repentance possible. I owe Him .... everything.

Exciting News!

We took a little trip to the 4D Ultrasound store down the street. 




Some of us couldn't wait till next month to find out if Snickerdoodle 






is a Boy or a Girl.




And we found out...




That Noble is getting...




A BABY BROTHER!!!


We are thrilled beyond words for Noble to have a little buddy to play trucks and cars and ball with. He keeps patting me as if to tell me, "Good job Mama!"

LuLu's On the Move

Remember my pastry chef friend Chris??? You know the guy who has created such amazing desserts for us as the "Waite"less root beer float or pomegranate souffle? Well he is starting a new venture teamed up with the guys from the amazing Metro Pizza. They are rolling out a Food Truck that will travel to the different Metro Pizza Locations with a breakfast menu that will have you drooling.

Kick off day is tomorrow 10-10-10 at the Henderson Metro Pizza Location at Stephanie and Horizon Ridge. On the menu??? Sourdough Waffles, Muffin Tops, Coffee Cake, Beignets (LOVE THOSE), Hot Chocolate and Coffee.

I am so excited for Chris to start this new adventure and to become a regular LuLu's Stalker. :)

To find out about all that is going on with LuLu and where LuLu is headed to next see her twitter page HERE.

Never Far

Today I got some photos I ordered for a school project for Lauren from Costco. This picture was in the bunch. Jon handed it to me and said, "That's my girl." I took it and looked at it. I still want to just jump back into that picture and grab her and hug her. 

It has been 2 years and almost 4 months. The world, and life has moved forward. I am fairly certain that Camille is not the first thing people think about now when they see me. I am happy for that. And my life is progressing. I don't cry about Camille every day or every week or even every month. Perhaps part of that is because I just don't talk about her (and especially about her passing) as often anymore. That is bitter sweet. I wish I had stories to tell about her and could include her in telling people the fun things my kids are doing. But I don't miss all the crying and I still can't talk much about her passing without crying. 

But the reality is that she is never far away. I think about her everyday - several times a day- and not usually in a sad and weepy sort of way. I just think of her. I wonder what she is doing. I wonder what she looks like as an angel. I wonder what it would be like to see her. I hold Noble and love his little body twice over for her. I insist on double kisses from him. I wonder if he still remembers her. And every night as I lay in my bed waiting to fall asleep I think of her again, and I try to avoid thinking of the fateful day she left our home. 

I write this because I want this to be a true record of where I am on this journey. Time has dulled the sharp intensity of the pain and longing for me. But it has not erased the desire and she is still in my heart and in my mind every single day.

Feeding the Missionaries

Yesterday I was scheduled to feed the missionaries (as well as my regular dinner group families). So I had a big beefy crock pot dinner planned. The night before I reminded myself around 8 p.m. to put the beef in the crock pot before bed so it would have all night to cook for the next day.

At 10 p.m. I went to bed. I didn't think about the beef any time after 8. I took a Unisom to help with the nausea and help me sleep. And in my sleep I began to dream - vivid pregnant dreams. At 1:30 I woke up with a start from a dream that I forgot to get my beef into the crock pot and didn't have time to cook it.

Sometimes we just get little miracles. And I really appreciated this one. I got up and went downstairs and put my beef in the crock pot and started it cooking. It was perfectly done for dinner last night. French dip sandwiches are one of my favorite meals and last night they hit the spot. I am excited for leftovers for lunch today. I made caramelized onions and sauteed mushrooms to go on top. All on fresh Great Buns French rolls made that morning. Yummy. Maybe I won't wait till lunch. Maybe I will have one for breakfast.

Then I made these for dessert. They are officially called "Better than Crack Brownies." Now Jonathan says that that is not a good name because really ANYTHING is better than Crack. Have you ever seen someone on Crack? Who wants that??? He has a valid point.

But how can you go wrong with so much peanut butter and chocolate goodness in one dish? My mind was loving these last night. My tummy was wondering where a nice juicy apple was. You should know that these are incredibly rich though. Just saying...

Yes those are Reese's Peanut Butter cups in the middle. 

The recipe can be found HERE.

My Favorite

Which was your favorite talk during conference? Any favorite points made?

My favorite talk was the first one. Elder Holland almost always has one of my favorites. This time it seemed his talk was just one big THANK YOU. I guess just the way I have been feeling lately, it fed me. I wiped silent tears from my face throughout his entire talk. I loved the quote where he said, "I am trying to be voice for the very angels of heaven, in thanking you for every good thing you have ever done, for every kind word you've ever said, for every sacrifice you've ever made, in extending to someone, to anyone, the beauty and blessings of the gospel of Jesus Christ."

His talk just made me want to try that much harder and be that much better at home, at church in my calling, and personally. I loved that he spoke thanking the members and that the prophet spoke on how we need to be grateful. I found there to be so much balance like that in this conference. Like the talk on living a consecrated life and using our time and agency wisely. That one made me feel like I better be doing more and better things with my time. It was followed by President Uckdorf reminding us to keep these simple and stick to the basics - that the fundamentals are what really matter. I felt the two talks back to back tempered each other and gave us a fairly complete idea of how we ought to spend our time.

I loved the talk by Elder Jensen (I stand corrected. It was Elder Larry Lawrence and his WHOLE talk was AMAZING. Elder Jensen's was also good and I will be using it in a lesson I am preparing for my young women.) where me mentioned that sleepovers can be dangerous. It is the first time I have heard that over the pulpit but that has been a rule I have established for our family. I used to go to sleepovers as a kid. But my mother in law who raised 9 children once told me that if she could go back and do one thing different she would not have allowed sleepovers either at her house or others. She didn't expound but I took her statement seriously and have followed her advice. When my kids have been asked to sleepover I tell them (or their very insistent friends) what their grandmother told me and they I just say, "I don't know exactly why Grandma said it but she raised lots of kids and I trust she knew what she was talking about so we are going to follow her advice." Hearing Elder Jensen talk about all the sins he had heard happened at sleepovers when he was a bishop just solidified my mother in laws advice for me.

I thought the talk to the parents was wonderful. I think living the standards we set for our youth in the For the Strength of the Youth pamphlet as parents in critical. How can we ask our youth to keep modest standards of dress, clean music and wholesome media enjoyment, and clean language usage when we are not doing the same?

My kids really grasped onto the analogy of the fishing lure and how Satan would like to catch us with his lures of sin. We had a great talk about that Elder Ballard talk afterward.

I love conference. I feel I have been richly nourished and wisely instructed. Let me know what your favorite parts were.

Answer to Prayer

Today I had a wonderful experience that made me just feel so ... known, heard, and loved.

As you can probably tell from some of my posts lately, I have been stressing about all that I have to do with YW lately. It has really been weighing on me. So the other night I was praying about all of it and really trying to have a good attitude but also trying to be somewhat realistic. I have had times where church callings have stressed me out before. Planning major events tends to stress me out. And somehow the Lord has always helped me out and been my partner when I turn to Him. So that is exactly what I did.

"Father, I can't do all this. It is simply more than I can do. I need help. This is Your work and I know you want the best for these girls. So I am turning this over to You. You find me the help I need to make this happen and I will work my best to do all I can. I am turning it over to You."

I felt confident that somehow, in someway, the Lord would provide. I got into bed that night and ideas started to come to me about some aspects of our YW in excellence program that would really be special and wonderful for the girls. I thought, "well this is good help, but if He is giving me inspiration as help I guess I am going to have to carry out the leg work."

We are planning to do a skit for this program and the date was up in the air as I am scheduled to be out of town for the night we had it penciled down. I was waiting on my advisor to let me know if she could run it without me or if we would have to move it to an alternate date when I would be in town but she would be gone.

The next day I worked on Clue and banged that out. YW in Excellence was still weighing on me, but I was too tired to work on it. I heard back from my advisor that she thought she could run it the week I would be gone (which was a better week anyway) and although I will be really sad to miss the night, I was glad we could do it on this better date and that she would bear the burden of making it happen that night.

Still I had the skit to worry about and all the other assignments to make. I really wanted someone who was going to be there that night do the skit just in case something went wrong or needed help that night. But I was uncertain I could burden my advisor with any more than I already was. But somehow the Lord would help us get it done. Of that I was confident.

Today I took my materials over to watch conference at our Personal Progress Leader's house with several of the young women. After the morning session I was going over the PP Leader's responsibilities for that night with her. The young women were milling around. I asked our PP leader to let me know where the girls were in their progress. She told me one of the young women who was sitting a few feet from us was just one project shy of earning her medallion. I told her she HAD to be done by that night so we could present her with her award then.

The PP leader told her she would have to find a different project for her Faith value because there would not be time to grow flowers between now and then. She looked over some of the options and there was one about writing a skit or play. The PP Leader asked me if this highly responsible laurel could take over the skit portion of our YW in Excellence night and do that as her project. The laurel was SO excited and totally wanted to do it. I giddily handed over my materials and gave her instructions and told her to make it her baby. I told her she was literally an answer to my prayers for help.

I have felt so much better since I handed that over to her. I know she will do a great job with it. It will help her finish her Personal Progress and it means so much less burden for me and my advisor. I am just so thankful tonight for a Father who knows me and loves me and truly does answer my prayers for help even beyond what I expected. I feel to shout Hallelujah!

HALLELUJAH!!!

Clue Explanation

I have emailed the Clue documents to many of you. I thought I should give a bit more explanation.

We will play very much like the board game but the kids will be the game pieces. So in the beginning of the activity I will divide the group into 6 teams (they may or may not be called by the names of the Characters of the Book of Mormon.) Each team will be assigned a leader.

I will pick randomly one card (one of the documents is the cards that need to be cut out) from each of the categories. These three cards will be the answer of who where and with what. All 6 leaders will get to see and know the answers so they will be able to answer to their teams accusations. I will then deal the remaining cards out to the 6 teams. They will each get 3 cards. This will just help move the game along a bit faster.

I will have classrooms assigned to each Book of Mormon Place with a sign on the door (one of the document is signs for the doors that need to be cut in half. Each team's leader will have a copy of the trivia questions and the page with their directions on how to be the leader and the two lists of possible people weapons and places (with classrooms filled in). There are two lists in case there is time to play twice. They are meant to be able to cross out ones they know are wrong as they find those out.

We will start in the gym and each team will have to there answer a trivia question before they can go to their first place to make their accusation. Once in the room they make their accusation and their leader reveals one of the wrong aspects as noted in the leaders directions. The team MUST move to a different room to make a new accusation. If they want to return to that room they must first go to another room, make an accusation and then come back. They must answer a trivia question to move to a new room.

Okay hope that all makes sense. I only have 33 trivia questions because I think they will spend about 3 minutes per accusation and question and all that and we only have 50 minutes to play. I hope that will be plenty of questions for the time alloted.

Hope that all makes sense to you everyone. If anyone wants to post it to Sugardoodle or idea door they are welcome to do so. I am not sure how to do that but I am fine with sharing. :)

Clue and Block Party

I just finished setting up everything for our giant game of Book of Mormon CLUE at the church for our Oct. Young Men and Young Women's combined activity. I hope it will be as fun as I think it can be.

We will play it much like the board game. I have made cards with Book of Mormon People, Weapons and Places. I came up with trivia questions about the Book of Mormon to use as a means of moving from room to room instead of having to roll dice and move spaces. I wish I could upload all my documents here to share with everyone. I mean I have been working on this literally ALL DAY and I would love to have others benefit from my work. But Blogger doesn't allow that I guess.

If you are in Young Women's or Young Men's and want copies, feel free to email me and I will send you all the documents to do this activity in your ward.

As for the Block Party (some have asked for details on our party plans) -- We get two bounce houses (one that has a slide) and we charge $20 per family or $10 per couple to cover the cost. We have those up all day in a central location. We have food. We have done pot luck sides or dessert with a central main dish (burritos one year, pizza, sub sandwiches...) We also provide water or lemonade in big coolers. We will do pizza this time with neighbors either bringing a side dish to share or volunteering to host a carnival booth. Last year we had a Haunted House, a Cupcake walk, a fishing for treasure booth, and many others. I hope we will have some people volunteer to do booths again this year because it was really fun. We decorate treat bags with the little kids and have someone do face painting. I think we may have a cotton candy machine this year. Kids often come in costumes and we get to see everyone. It is a fun day. I organize but everyone who comes helps out and it makes putting the event on pretty easy.

Hope that gives some of you some ideas. Now I get to turn my attention to YW in Excellence. Well, maybe next week I will work on that. This weekend I am looking forward to soaking up as much of General Conference as possible. If you want to check it out you can go HERE. Hope you can catch some of it. Have a great weekend and hopefully you will be able to recharge your batteries like I plan to.

Back at it

Sometimes the best thing you can do when feeling overwhelmed is to go to work. Last night I worked with the kids to get our house in order. That is always a good first step to feeling less frazzled. Now that my house is clean, I am ready to take on the three giant productions I have to put on between Oct. and Nov.

First I am creating a Mormon version of the game Clue for the youth to play at the church with different class rooms being the rooms in which the murder could have happened. I will have Scripture Characters for the team names and trivia questions that if answered correctly will allow them to advance to the next room. I also plan on using scripture time weapons and locations for the other categories. That is my task for tomorrow. Hopefully I can get most of it planned tomorrow.

Next I have to work on Young Women in Excellence and plan out and delegate out all the various responsibilities that will go on with that. I found a cute Princess Bride themed idea online that I think we will use. Hope I can get some dads to help out with it.

And then of course I have the neighborhood block party to pull together for Halloween. I am not sure how many of our neighbors will be around this year as our kids here get Friday, Monday, and Tuesday off school that week. I think many will be out of town. I guess we will see how that pans out as I get the RSVPs back.

So that is what is almost constantly running around in my mind these days - that and fighting the nausea. There is always that too. Nothing to do but get to it. It is the only way to get it off the brain. Tomorrow I plan on doing just that.

Empty

Do you ever have that feeling that you have just been sucked dry? You know that empty feeling of having given all you can give. I have. I do. I am tired. I am ready for a vacation where I don't have to think about my daily responsibilities. No music practices or lessons. No bills to pay. No church calling to worry about.

That last one takes so much out of me. Working in Young Women's is not an easy calling. It is busy and there are lots of things to plan and activities and meeting to attend. But that is not what is hard about it to me. The hard part to me is all about the girls. I love our girls. I mean I really genuinely love them. I worry about them and pray for them. I try to find the right balance between being there for them in a friend sort of way while still being their Young Women's Leader.

That is a difficult balance that is not always in harmony. Ultimately, I have accepted the responsibility to be their Leader and not their "friend" though. They have lots of friends. So when the two roles conflict, I opt to be their leader. I only hope that one day they will understand and appreciate that.

That is the hard part of working with the Young Women. The weight of the love and concern and responsibility. Because it just is that important. THEY are just that important.

I have worked with the different sets of young women for the nearly that last 3 years. We have a great board of leaders that share the load. For that I am grateful. I have a great group right now that have a great chemistry with each other. They are wonderful, smart, really good girls. For that I am grateful.  They are the reason I keep going even when I am tired and feel spent. Because THEY are just that important and they deserve my best.

So tonight I will get some rest. This weekend with General Conference I will recharge my batteries. And then I will jump back into the race and run my best again.

September

I love how quickly September has seemed to fly by. It helps to be busy when you want time to move quickly. And now we are almost to October. I am ready for the cooler weather to kick in. I am ready to decorate for Halloween. I am ready to be far enough into my second trimester to be done with the sickness part. I am ready to find out what we are having (girl or boy). I am ready to take our vacation to DC. All these things are just around the bend in the month of October.

But for now I am trying to motivate myself to start my long Do List for today. It is pretty hard when all I really want to do is sit in my rocking chair and watch Noble right now. He is being so silly. We have a little step. He likes to step up on it. He thinks he is so big. He steps up on it and raises his arms up in the air so proud of himself. Then he says or sings something in his own language loud like an announcer. Wish I knew what he was saying. Then He steps/jumps down and falls to the ground and laughs.

But I have laundry and grocery shopping and banking calling my name. Those I have to get done before I have to pick up Lauren from school. So I guess, since I can't freeze this moment to savor it, I will lock the mental photo in my mind and get to my list.

It is so fun having some alone time with Noble each day. What a gift he is.

Arctic

It has been a few days since my last post. I would like to say I have been too busy. And well... after school I have. (I am trying this new thing of being busy with the girls this year and have signed them up for dance and music lessons. Almost every day of the week we have some after school lesson to go to. So far it has been good for all of us. We'll see how I feel by May.) During the days, however, I have only been busy trying to keep my mind off being sick. Somehow blogging doesn't do the trick. Red Raspberry Ice Breakers gum on the other hand is my new best friend. Anyone know where you can find it in Vegas? I can only find it at Toys R Us and I already bought out their whole stock.

Anyway, so my girls have been busy. They go to school and then their lessons and then practice their music and do their homework and then it is bed time. This means not so much playtime. So today being Saturday (and a Saturday with nothing on our beautiful Calendar) they have had all day to play. And I love that they all love to play together. That was the reason I wanted to have my kids close in the first place. Today they have played musical instruments (they made some out of paper cups and thing). They have played some Wii together. And perhaps my favorite of their games is their newly invented game "Arctic."

They pretended they were all trapped in the Arctic and got all dressed up in their heavy winter jackets and boots and hid out in the igloo (the pantry). They even put Camille's BYU sweatshirt on Noble. It was so tiny on him. It just made me realize what a little bit of a thing she was. We bought it for her the week before she died and it fit her well. He looked giant in her sweatshirt, even though he isn't a big kid at all.

But it was cute to see him playing with his sisters and now well they can play using their imaginations. To me that is the best kind of play ever. 

Little Things I Don't Want to Forget

I have a few things to document that I just don't want to forget about my kids. Bear with me or skip this if you don't really care. ;)

Noble: He loves to GO. When I tell him "Let's Go!" He runs with his little pitter patter feet to the mud room area and points to my purse and then to the garage door. When he is getting into trouble downstairs I ask him if he wants to play with his blocks. He gets a look of "Oh YEAH!" on his face and that little pitter patter of his feet goes over to the stairs to go up to his Mega Block legos. When the door bell rings, again the pitter patter to the front door. When dad's office door opens, the pitter patter to his office. I love the pitter patter. It is the only part of tile floors that I love.

He has a soft heart for anyone crying and is quick to give them a love. He loves to stand at the door and wave goodbye to his sisters as they go to school in the morning. When he is tired he is happy to go upstairs to bed and will wave goodbye to anyone downstairs as we go. He loves to climb and if able to climb on chairs now and smart enough to know if he moves them he can get up on a counter. Scary. Yesterday I followed him upstairs and was in the next room when I heard the water go on in the bathroom. I ran in to find him sitting in the sink fully clothed and turning on the water.

Words: he says "Dad" and "ball" and "Lala" and bellybutton which actually sounds like "BeBu" and he is learning to ruff like a dog. How appropriate that his first animal sound is a dog. :)

Lauren: She likes to tell me she loves me more than a never ending ice cream cone. That is a lot. She loves to cuddle and she makes good friends easily. She likes to do her own hair (which consists of her wetting and brushing it with a really soft brush till it is almost straight in the front.) She likes to come up with interesting outfits. One day she came in ready for school in a striped orange, red, and pink dress with striped pink, white, green, and orange pants. These were not stripes that were meant to be worn together. I said "My you sure are stripey today!" She smiled and said "Yes!" so proud of herself, "even my underwear are stripey!" That sealed it for me. I couldn't tell her to change a thing. Anyone who put that much thought into an outfit deserved to wear it proudly to school.

Annie: She is an eager and wonderful big sister. She loves to help her younger siblings however they will let her. Need help sounding out a word? planning a play? walking to the bathroom? doing a chore? she is there! Noble LOVES Annie. The other day I looked in the rear view mirror and saw she had laid her head down in his lap in his car seat. He had his arms around her giving her loves. She loves to tell stories and be the center of attention with her friends. She likes to say "Well.... " and then make a little smacking sound with her mouth several times and clear her throat a few times before she tells you something. This makes it very easy to do a good impression of her. ;) Dad says she has a black belt in pilates. She will show you her own version of "pilates" moves that seem more like some crazy karate.

Sabrina: Tonight she got home from dance and we were all playing outside. We were waiting for her to come home before we went it. All the kids ran in the house and she went running around the neighborhood picking up all of ours and the neighbor's toys and taking them into our garages before going inside. Once inside she practiced her viola and then as she finished she said "Mom, you and I have a date with the dishwasher." She knew I needed to do the dishes and needed some motivation. She stayed and helped load (not a job she enjoys at all) while I washed the dishes. What can I say? She came this way and I am just trying not to screw her up.

And Snickerdoodle: Just a few pregnancy oddities to note. First I have had strange cravings. I say strange because they are odd for ME. Normally I crave sweets or burgers or not so good for you food. This time, all those things make me sick to even think about! I can't even eat desserts. The only thing that has been steadily safe and so good to me is fresh fruit and good healthy salads. I guess that is good for me. Less weight to gain hopefully. Oh and the craving of the day is funeral potatoes. I will be making them for dinner group this week for sure. Anyone got an awesome recipe for them? I guess I will be googleing that tonight!

Okay, I am off to put those little darlings to bed!

Surprises

I love good surprises. I love to surprise others and I love to be surprised - as long as the surprise is a good one. Jonathan, on the other hand, does not like surprises. He doesn't care much for me trying to surprise him. He never has the "great surprise" reaction I love to see. Even if the surprise is big and I know he likes it. He just smiles and nods.

And I am pretty hard to surprise. I guess I like to feel in the know because most of the time I know something is up when a surprise is coming. Sometimes he does manage to give me a genuine surprise though. Like today when he emailed me from the airport to tell me he was catching an earlier flight home! That is one GREAT surprise! Yipee!

Mom to the Rescue!

My mom has been sick all week. So even though she is in town she has been stuck in bed. I had been planning on her helping me through this week without Jon. But as the days of her illness drug on, I lost hope of seeing her. Then yesterday morning she called and told me she was almost all better and well enough to come help me out.

After the disaster that was Wednesday night (well... mostly it was just a disaster because I was too spent with too much to do) I was ready for some Mama TLC.  She came out in the early afternoon and helped the kids with a school art project all afternoon. I am sure this project would not have happened without her. It was not mandatory but all the girls WANTED to do it. I could not have done it with them alone. They had so much fun making "popcorn art."

Then when I felt sick after dinner she cleaned up and helped the older kids with their homework and music practicing while I took the little kids outside for some fresh air for me and exercise for them. Somehow the fresh air didn't seem to help my nausea so we headed back inside before too long. After I got Noble and Lauren bathed and Noble to bed I laid around while my mom helped the girls finish up all their music practicing and getting ready for bed.

Then we all listened as Nana read to us from her favorite storybook from her own childhood. It had great stories - one for every day of the year. With the kids in bed, I took advantage of having my mom to myself and we watched a little Star Trek together before I went to bed and she headed home. My mom is kind of a Trekie and she has instilled a fondness for that show in me.

All in all it was a great night for me - mostly because my mom was here. Thanks mom!

Here we go ...

Jon is in the big apple for the rest of the week. My conclusion after this night... pregnant ladies should not be left home alone to do all the work of 4 kids. I miss my hubby and the help he gives at night. I am tired and emotional.

Last night the girls had an all out sob session feeling their grief all over in their new ages and understanding. It was a heavy night. Tonight I am feeling the aftershocks of their grief on my own heart. They are my comfort and joy and at the same time they add layers to my grief because I grieve for their loss as well.

How many more days till my anchor comes home?

Great Neighbors

You know neighbors can really make or break any place you live. I grew up in a cul-de-sac my dad built with 4 of his friends. We loved all our neighbors and were welcome to play with any of them anytime. We all took care of each other on that street. It was an ideal way to grow up. It felt like one big extended family all around us.

While there are a few more houses on my street now, and I certainly didn't know my neighbors before I moved in, I feel blessed to have great neighbors in my neighborhood now. I don't know ALL my neighbors but I do know a good percentage of them. And we have a really good neighborly feel with 2 annual block parties and plenty of homes where I can go borrow a cup of sugar or where my kids can find friends to play.

Last night I was feeling sick (like every night). For some reason it just seems that I feel better when I am out in the fresh air so I took the kids out in the street to play. They went across the street like normal to ask our street play friends if they wanted to play.

My neighbors across the street were the first people I met up in this neighborhood. They were one of the first 3 people to move in and were just moving in when I drove the neighborhood one night to show it to my brother who was in town from California. We started talking and they let me come in and show my brother their home. We moved in about 4 months later and we have been great friends ever since.

So last night not only did my neighbors come keep us company and play but when they heard I was feeling crummy and not up to making dinner (thus why we were in the street playing at dinner time) so the kids were going to have to wait till 7:30 when dad got home to do dinner, they fed my kids some of their dinner.

Did I mention I love great neighbors? I LOVE GREAT NEIGHBORS! Thanks to all my neighbors who have been and continue to be such good friends and such great supports to me and mine.

Do you know your neighbors? What can we all do to be great neighbors today?

Great Book

Last week I read a book entitled "the Maze Runner." It was pretty darn page turning. If you read and liked the Hunger Games, you would probably like this book as well. It is the first of a trilogy and the second book is scheduled to be released on Oct. 12. I am looking forward to diving into it.

The book is about a bunch of teenage boys who are trying to survive day to day life in a world they woke up in with their memories wiped out. It is interesting because the voice is from the perspective of the newest addition to their ranks and you discover this world right along with him step by step.

The author, James Dashner, does a great job making you want to keep reading chapter after chapter. I finished this book in about a day and a half. It makes me want to go read what else he has written.

If you are looking for a good page turner to dive into, I highly recommend the Maze Runner.

Sleep

Sweet sleep,

Why do you evade me?

I have offered myself to you with all my strength laid before your feet. 

Yet somehow you will not take me into your sweet embrace

Relieving my mind of its troubles and my heart of its sorrows.

Those packages seem to tied to me to make room for the softness of your companionship.

They seem to follow me even when we do at last find each other in that stillness of the night.

Troubles, BE GONE! Sorrow, save it for tomorrow! 

Tonight I have a date with Sleep and I want to have some quality one on one time. 

There will be plenty of time for us to play,

Awake in the brightness of the day.

Till then all I ask is a night of sweet and blissful, sleep.

Waiting for the big one?

This weekend we went to Utah and we got to spend some sweet time with my dear friend Kami. We were roommates freshman year of college. She got married her second year and we lost touch for years. When I got pregnant with Camille and we were considering the name Camille, I thought about Kami. I knew we would call our child "Cami" if we choose Camille as our name. I knew I would think of Kami since she was the only Cami or Kami I had ever known. I had great association with the name because of her. Still I hadn't talked to her in about 13 years. I wondered what had become of her. 

So I set to finding out. I called another of our roommates and between us we figured out where her parents lived. I called around till I found her parents and then got Kami's number. I called her up and reconnected. I told her of the baby I was having and how I was considering naming her Camille or Cami. I told her I had called to see if her life was in order so I wouldn't be naming my baby after someone who would be a poor model. To my great pleasure, she was still as wonderful as the year we lived together. And we choose the name Camille with confidence. 

I loved spending time around Kami. I love being able to say her name. That may sound weird but sometimes I just want to say the name Cami. I call out Annie and Saby and Lauren and Noble all the time. I don't get to say Cami very often. I miss the sound of her name on my lips. And people can get uncomfortable or worry about you if you are talking about your dead child to them all the time. So it was nice to spend a weekend with our family referring to Kami and going to Kami's house without all the heavy emotion we usually associate with the name. She is one of the few adults I let my children call by first name. 

One night while we were talking, Kami noted how in life she felt her trials had been relatively minor (like a 2 on a scale of 1-10). She expressed a fear or thought that I used to have all the time. The wondering what big trial was coming to you. It seems everyone has their big trial in life. No one escapes without feeling the heat of the refiners fire. And she wondered if I no longer feel that expectation or wonder. Did I feel like I now knew what my big trial was and that nothing harder would come to me. 

I wish I could say I did feel that way. But I am too young and too aware now to think that I am safe from big trials. I hope none will be as hard as this trial of losing a child. But I am painfully aware from my association with other angel mothers that experiencing this doesn't get you some pass to get out of future BIG trials. I thought that tonight as I read THIS most recent update on Sheye's blog about her pregnancy. I wish you could really send a hug through cyberspace.

I am praying for her tonight. I am hoping to have the strength to endure whatever lies ahead. And I am enjoying the blessings I have today knowing life gives us no guarantees. 

A Reminder

Do you ever have those moments when you get slapped across the face with that feeling for your spouse that reminds you exactly why you married them in the first place? I love my husband. We get along really well. He puts up with me and all my crazy moods. And we work well together as a partnership. But today I had one of those moments that just took it to a more focused and heightened level.

I woke up in a sour mood. I had a long do list today. Luckily I felt pretty good this morning and was able to get much of it done before I ate and felt yucky. But I was still in a bad mood. Especially about an upcoming trip we are taking. Jon on the other hand was feeling rather excited about this little trip and was scouting out zip lines and alpine slides and all that to do while we were there.

I was being a downer about it. I just felt like I didn't want to travel when I am feeling so yuck. Jon would not be pulled down with me. His silly optimism is infectious. By mid morning he had perked me up and reminded me of just one more reason I love him so much. He is fun. He makes me happy. He provides the silly we so desperately need around here sometimes. It turned out to be a good day after all. And the thanks for that go to my hubby. Love him.

When Sabrina went to Kindergarten I cried. I wasn't worried about her in anyway. I just knew I was going to miss my little girl. When Annie went to Kindergarten I worried about her. Will she be bored? Will she try to be the teacher? Will they be able to challenge her? When Lauren went to Kindergarten I worried about the teacher. 

I know Lauren will learn things this year and be challenged. I only hope the teacher will have patience with her as Lauren tells her how to run the class. Lauren knows EVERYTHING. Even the things she doesn't know. And she isn't afraid to tell you about it. 

The other night I was making scrambled eggs. I already had the eggs in the pan and mostly beat up. I was just beginning to stir them up. Lauren was watching me. "Mom, you are doing it all wrong. You don't make scrambled eggs that way!" Take note here that she has never made scrambled eggs. She kept telling me I needed to stir it differently. Finally I said "Oh ye of little faith Lauren." To which she replied, "Oh me of little faith Mama. What does that mean anyway?"I told her it meant she didn't believe I could make scrambled eggs well. She said that was right because I wasn't making them right. 

When I finished the eggs everyone ate them and told how good the eggs were ... even Lauren.

After the second day of school I was asking Lauren how her day was. She said good. I tried to get her to elaborate. After asking a few more detailed questions of her without any detailed answers Lauren finally said, "Can you just stop asking me questions and let me think for a minute." I think I have actually said those exact words before. Scary. 

It is like she is a mini me when I was a little kid. But at the same time she also reminds me so much of my grandma Harris. I mean Grandma Harris used to tell my mom (her daughter in law) she wasn't stirring the Jello right. If that doesn't sound like Lauren I don't know what does. So it makes me wonder if I was a mini Grandma Harris when I was a kid. And if so I wonder how my mom felt about that. I guess I will have to ask her about that next time we talk.

I feel lucky to have Lauren. I love having a reminder of myself and my Grandmother in her. And hopefully in time she will learn there are more than a few ways to make scrambled eggs and Jello.

A Dark Cloud with a Silver Lining

I have written about a hundred whiney blog posts in my head these past few weeks. They all revolve around how much I hate being sick. (Who came up with the idea that women should have nausea when pregnant. That person and I need to have a talk.)

I have refrained from writing these posts down since nobody want to a pregnant lady whine about feeling sick. Especially when it is such a blessing to be pregnant in the first place. I recognize this. This pregnancy came only after 7 months of trying and an early miscarriage the previous month. Still this being sick part has been ... especially trying this go round.

In an effort to preserve my own personal history, I want to record how I have felt. So I apologize in advance and give a warning that this will likely sound whiney. 

All my previous pregnancies, my nausea has been a sign to me of a healthy pregnancy. I have never miscarried when I have been nauseous. So it has been reassuring despite the discomfort. 

So it took me by surprise this time when the nausea this time elicited a rather different reaction in my psyche. As soon as the nausea came on I began to feel this overwhelming feeling of dread and fear and anxiety. Instead of signaling healthy pregnancy, it signaled Camille's accident. I felt nausea after her accident for weeks -- months really because I got pregnant with Noble and then it just stayed. 

I guess I didn't notice it last time because I was still so fresh in my grief that it all just ran together. But with this pregnancy, well, I have come so far in my healing that it was harsh to be thrust back into that fresh grief feeling. 

I have had trouble sleeping as the anxiety turns to adrenaline and my thoughts stray at night to that dark day. I have spent hours awake in the night, exhausted, but unable to sleep, haunted by my pain and grief.  It has been by far my most challenging first trimester ever. It has made me question how I thought I could do this again. And it has made me, for the first time, consider that this may be our last child.

The emotions have mellowed as I have endured week after week of this. I started taking Unisom to help with the sleep issue. That has helped immensely. I have been indulging any food craving I can to combat the nausea. Sometimes that works. Sometimes I just feel worse after. The thought that I have another 4-8 weeks of this is ... well hard. Is there anyway to just skip or sleep through September?

I will be 10 weeks in 2 days. I usually get better between 16-18 weeks. I was feeling really super low about this all about a week or two ago. Then I read THIS post by my fellow Angel Mom Sheye and I felt like a wimp. You should read it. It is the silver lining after this dark cloud of a post. She is my new hero. If she can do what she has done the past 3 years with grief loaded on her back, I can certainly make it another month or two, Right? RIGHT.

Shiny Happy People

Here are the school kids with their new clothes and new backpacks and new shoes and new headbands ready to take on a brand new year of school. They were so excited for the first day.

Lauren had a great first day being walked to class by her big sisters. I am anxious to hear the report from the other girls. Lauren and I are making "first day of school" cookies. Here are a few individual shots.

Noble and I had a fun morning playing by ourselves and running some errands. Can't leave him out of the photos this morning. I think he wanted to go to school with his sisters.

It was awfully quiet around here with just he and I at home. Oh well, I guess I ought to enjoy it because it won't be that way for long. 

We have a little "Snickerdoodle" baking in the oven. 

Due to be done March 31st. 

Now I think I will go do something to keep me from throwing up. :)

Back to School Eve

It is the night before the first day of school for us. The backpacks are packed with school supplies waiting to be taken to classes. The new school clothes are purchased and ready to be put on tomorrow. We have seen our classrooms and met our teachers at the "meet and greet." The special french toast casserole is soaking in the fridge waiting to be cooked tomorrow morning. Somehow tonight almost has a Christmas eve feel.

I am excited for the girls to go back to school. Lauren will be starting kindergarten and she is very excited. I am looking forward to the routine school provides. I am tired of answering the question - "I'm bored. What can I do?" I feel really good about the teachers everyone got. I hope this will be a good year for them all.

It has been a long 3 week break for me. I have not been myself. I have been struggling to make it through each day. So there were no big activities planned or schedules adhered to. I did manage to finish off Date nights with Annie on Friday. We went to the mall to get earrings at Claires and then got ice cream at Ben and Jerry's. At home we played a card game together.

Annie is just such a bright star. She has a twinkle in her eye that can light up a room. She loves big. She is fast and fearless. She makes me smile. I am so glad to have her in our family.

So Noble and I will have some alone time each day now. He is so cute and fun. He doesn't talk much. Though he does say "uh-oh" very often (for valid reasons.) He has a loving heart and will give anyone he sees crying a snuggle. Sometimes I fake cry just so he will come give me a love :). He loves to put things in and out of things, especially the trash.

I look forward to sharing some alone time and nap time with him everyday. And I look forward to the book vacation I am going to give myself as soon as I catch up on my laundry and house work. Mockingjay is waiting for me and I am dying to dive in. Pictures of back to school tomorrow.

Raincheck on the Sale

This sale has been postponed due to back weather forecast. Bummer. Will let you know when they do it for real.

S

Date Nights

We only have 3 weeks of summer here with our "year round" school schedule. And we decided not to travel for various reasons. So one of the things I have been doing to try to make the "vacation" fun is to do a Date Night for each of the girls.

After drawing straws, Sabrina won the first date. She chose to go to the mall. We got a Hot Dog on a Stick and Lemonade and went to Claires to buy earrings for her. She just got her ears pierced two months ago and is excited to wear fun earrings. We had a fun time despite the fact that I wasn't feeling all that well. It is so fun to see her growing up in to such a beautiful young lady. She has such a comforting and loving spirit. I feel completely blessed to have her pave the way for the children in our family.

Last night it was Lauren's turn. She chose a trip to Toys 'R Us followed by ice cream cones at DQ. You know, do you really ever grow out of the trill of so many fun toys at a store like Toys 'R Us? I certainly haven't. I was almost as excited to see all the toys as Lauren was. After ooooing and ahhhing over all the possibilities, Lauren picked a stuffed animal to buy. I gave into my own temptation and bought a couple of games for our family to play. We have had fun playing them today.

Lauren is growing up everyday. She has an incredible memory and will tell me details about things she has seen on television or stories she has heard in Sunday school. Her talk is getting more and more "grown up" these days. She is learning to sound out words and read and write. She can count to a trillion "in" 9. :) (She counts correctly to 109 then skips to a million and goes to a million and 9 then to a billion. From there to a billion and 9 and then to the trillions.) She also draws well, especially flowers and butterflies (or so she tells me.) She is so darn cute. I just want to squeeze her. I love her 5 year old ness.

Jon took his turn at bat and took all the kids on a date with Dad to Shark Reef yesterday. They had fun and enjoyed the fish. Next week we will have a date with Annie. More on that date to come...

Washington D.C. Trip

Hi Everyone. I know. It has been almost a whole week with no posts. No, I haven't been out of town. But I am planning a trip that I would love some help with. Jon and I are planning on taking our oldest 3 kids to Washington, D.C. this fall. I am excited to show the kids where I lived when I was in law school and take them to my favorite places out there.

One thing I am struggling with however, is where to stay. I wondered if any of you have visited D. C. and have any recommendations. I want to stay close to a metro station either in a safe part of D.C. or one of the close areas in Virginia. Any suggestions?

It has been so long since I have been back to D.C. that I can't remember which areas are safe and which are not and which hotels are nice and which are not. I would really appreciate any suggestions anyone can give me.

Favorite Things

I made a new purchase recently. It is definitely one of my favorite things. It makes me feel strong and tall and capable. It adjusts to go easy on me on hard days and hard on me on easy days. It makes my jeans fit better and my body more able to accomplish its daily tasks. It is the only form of exercises that I really like. (Well running outside isn't so bad but only on good cool weather days which are few here in Vegas.)

I bought a reformer from the studio where I was taking classes. Now my trainer comes over once a month to teach me new exercises and I work out on my own the rest of the month. It has been great. I especially love that I don't have to worry about having someone watch the kids while I go. My girls are great coaches. They are now experts at counting to 16 for me as they count my reps. 

Noble loves to sit on my tummy while I go back and forth doing leg work. Sometimes he even just lays down on my chest and enjoys the ride. My girls like to try to do the exercises I do. They are too short to do most of the leg ones. But they can all do some of the arm ones and love to ask mom if they can "crack the walnut."

I know this is silly because doing Pilates is really hard when you do it right. But part of the reason I love it is because I get to spend a good portion of my workout laying on my back. That to me if relaxing. Even in my legs, or core, or booty is burning from the strain.

What is your favorite way to workout?

Dance with Me

Watching the Finale tonight, a thought hit me as I watched this piece by Travis Wall. He choreographed it about his mother's battle with (what I read somewhere) breast cancer. It was touching thinking of it in that light. But tonight when I watched it I looked at it with broader eyes.

Tonight I saw myself as the woman in this piece. And immediately the one "fixing" me took on the role of the Savior. He doesn't take all the pain away. He just gently nudges here and lifts there to get me going at those moments when I just feel like I can't do it on my own.

The middle part shows the anger and passion of grief and how the Savior lets us alone to feel these but is never far from us and he understands these emotions and feels them with us. I love how it starts and she is so devastated and then he catches her in her fall and then after the passion and "fight" in the middle section she if laid low yet again and he helps her walk forward, guiding her and helping, ever so gently to lift her feet.

I am grateful for a Savior who understands and is willing to share the dance - through both the good, bad, the stumbling and the fighting with me.

Can you see yourself in this dance too?

Wow

I saw this today via Nie Nie. All I can say is WOW. Wow.

SYTYCD Finale Party my house tonight at 8:30 ish.

I Know... I Know...

It is 4:19 a.m. What am I doing up? Good question. I had a big long day yesterday. I worked hard. I played hard. I got no nap. I should be snoozing right? Right. But I have spent the last hour or so laying in my bed in June 2008.

I kept telling myself, "Stephanie. It is August 2010! We are two years out. Let's close that chapter and look forward." But somehow my mind wasn't listening. So finally I thought maybe coming down here and writing it out would put the past back to bed and let me go to sleep.

We went swimming last night. Jon had to work till almost 8 so I took the 4 kids by myself to our friends house. I knew this would be too much for me to watch 4 kids at a pool when two of them are not so water safe. So I came prepared. I brought a port a crib and put Noble down to sleep in the house as soon as we arrived. He was tired and it was his bedtime so this worked well. Now I just had Lauren to worry about.

I got in the pool with the kids and we had fun. I worked with Lauren on her swimming. I helped her see that she could swim all the way across the pool by herself. We did a few laps together with her turning on her back to float to breathe. She did so well and I was so proud of her being so brave and working so hard to learn this technique. Still, it was draining to keep my eyes on her 100% of the time. It is just stressful to me. She was fine the whole time. We swam for about and hour and half in all and she got so good at flipping over on her back. As she got tired toward the end she often would stay on her back and kick to get to the side.

There were no close calls. Sabrina and Annie had a blast and Jon eventually showed up to get in with them. Still, the stress is just there for me now whenever water is near. Part of me always feels I must be missing someone or there must be some danger I am not seeing.

And so when I woke up at 3 a.m. I was back again in 2008, reliving the reason for my stress. These days, the reliving is less adrenaline filled. It is more analytical?, more of a running through the events in my head, confirming that they happened? And they are often accompanied by that nauseating feeling of the reality of my loss.

Lately I have been thinking about how different the death of a child is as apposed to losing a grandparent. I haven't really experienced other losses enough to know how this compares to them. But I was thinking how different this is because losing a child changes you as a person. Some of those changes are good and some of them are pretty not so nice. :) But it changes you. It is like a different chemical is added to your make up and it completely changes who you were before is so many ways.

The other losses I have experienced, while they were very sad to me, didn't do that. I was very close with my grandmothers and I still miss them often. But it just seemed to be part of life to lose them. Maybe it was earlier than I wanted with one of them. But she was still 80 and had lived a full life. Somehow, losing a young child doesn't seem like it should be "part of life." And yet ... for me ... it is.

And so now, I guess, is this. The stress and the reliving, at 4 in the morning, the day that changed me forever as a person.

What do Mormon's believe of the Doctrine of Grace

Dear Julie (the no longer Anon commenter from my Lesson on Exaltation Post),

First off I did do a post on this subject before that you can read HERE. But I will answer again as there are things from this post that are a bit more specific than I answered before. I will say in advance that I write to inform only. My purpose is never to convince anyone I am right and they are wrong. I respect that each of us has the right to believe, and worship or not as they choose and seem fit. Still I am happy to agree with you when you believe as I do and I think for the most part our beliefs about the doctrine of Grace are the pretty similar. At least if I read your comments right.

Mormons do believe in the doctrine of Grace. It is what saves us. No one can live or do anything that can "save" them. Only Christ can do this. Anyone who feels they can never be saved because they can't live perfectly or that they can be saved because they think they do live perfectly simply does not understand the power and necessity of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

I think it is a common misconception of our church that people think we do not believe in grace. Perhaps that is because we do stress the "following Christ" part of earning Grace.

As I am sure you understand, Christ is our judge and he will be the One who decides who His grace will make perfect and clean and who it will not. He has set an example for us and asked us in the scriptures to take certain steps to qualify us for his grace. These are faith in Him, repentance, Baptism by water and Baptism by fire or the receiving of the Holy Spirit. See John 3:5 and Mark 16:16 (just to name 2).

Once we have taken these steps we must try our best to live according to the light and knowledge we have been given. And those who haven't taken these steps will also be judged by HIm according to how they lived based on the light and knowledge they are given. So we do not believe that a child in China who has never been taught of Jesus Christ but has lived a good life and done what they feel is right based on what they know is automatically damned because they don't have faith in Christ and haven't been baptized. We believe that in the afterlife that child will have an opportunity to learn of Christ from angelic missionaries and a baptism will eventually be able to be done for that child here on earth in one of our temples so that child can choose to accept that baptism and qualify for the Grace that Christ would offer him.

On the other hand, we do not believe that one who has come to know Christ and then rejects His example and chooses not to follow His Spirit will automatically be saved just because once they believed. That is the enduring to the end part. We must try our best to follow Him and become as much like Him as we can. We won't succeed but His grace will make up for all we lack (which as you noted is ALOT.) It is only by that grace that we at last can be made perfect in His kingdom.

Now we do believe that there are many "degrees" of heaven. I wrote a post on the LDS view of heaven HERE.  I would refer you to this post to explain what we think Heaven is like and whether we think we are the only ones going there. :) But to make it in the top of the 3 kingdoms I refer to in that post, we believe you must take the steps I outlined above to be "saved" by Christ's grace.

As for the other steps in my outline of my lesson that refer to going to the temple, Those are steps that we believe have been restored to us through modern day prophets. By restored, I mean that we believe they were on the earth at the time of Christ and Solomon, and Adam for that matter, but that they were lost after Christ and his apostles were killed. They are necessary for us to literally become like our Heavenly Father and to live in families - still being married and still being mothers and fathers - in the kingdom of Heaven.

I would HIGHLY recommend that you go to mormon.org. Just click on the button that says "I believe" on my blog to get to my page there. I do answer the question about what we think of the doctrine of grace there as well. More importantly, you can see what other Mormons think of this topic. HERE is a link to the very page that shows the responses to the Grace question. Regular Mormon people like me have gone there and answered this very question for themselves and you can see if my answer is in line with other Mormon's say.

Also if you have any other questions or want to know more, you can chat with a missionary online. They can answer whatever questions you have live and you don't need to be worried or scared to talk to them. They will only send someone to your home if you ask for them and give them your address. :) No pressure. Just answers. Hope that helps you understand what we believe.

While you are there you should also watch the video of my friend Ryan Wright HERE. He is awesome and a talented musician as well as a record company executive for a major label. Plus he is just a great guy. Loved his video.

Crazy Lady

Do you ever feel like you are going crazy? Sometimes I do. My emotions have been all over the place lately. Not only have I had mood swings that could rock a cruise ship but I have also had a myriad of emotions all surging within at the same time. I mean, how is it that I want to laugh and cry and scream and run for no good reason at the same exact time?

I had to apologize to my kids today for being snippy. I guess it is at least good to know I am acting like a crazy lady so I can tell them so and let them know it is me not them. But it makes me wonder how I am going to survive the teenage years when we will have 4 crazy ladies in the house snipping at each other and laughing and holding back tears all at the same time.

The girls started dance classes this week. It has been fun to see them all cute in the dance clothes. Noble... well he is at a frustrating stage. By that I mean that he is often frustrated because I won't let him feed himself every meal and he only wants to eat if he feeds himself. We are negotiating. He will only drink out of big cup and only if he can hold it. (sippy cups are for shaking upside down to make it rain right?) I can't even hand it to him. I have to put the cup down and let him pick it up himself. Then I don't let him go anywhere with the cup. That is frustrating to him. At least he is getting really good at cleaning up his spills.

So many times a day I just want to eat him up. I wish he liked to snuggle because I just want to squeeze him in gratitude that he is here with me every day. But he is too busy to snuggle. There is a whole world to learn about and discover right? Today I made muffins. He got up on a stool and got a pair of tongs and tried to feed himself some of those muffins. It was so funny. By the time I got him down he had muffin all over his face and a few of the muffins had been hammered. Of course when I put him in his high chair with a muffin, he only wanted to pull of pieces to throw on the ground. When I took him out he went back to the stool and got the tongs again and went to work trying to use those tongs to get muffin in his mouth.

Sorry if these little details are a bit boring for you all. I just wish I had written more of Camille's little day to day details down. So I am trying to get my little kid details down here for myself. I don't want to forget this crazy stage of life and the wonder of watching my children discover the world.

Lesson on Exaltation

Yesterday it was my turn to teach all the young women again at church. Just in case any of you will have to teach this lesson, I thought I would share what I did. Plus there was a great story that I think everyone would love (see below). I fretted quite a bit about how to make the lesson interesting to the girls. The lesson in the manual had some good information but I didn't like the way it was organized and I wanted to find a more compelling attention getting introduction.

I ended up putting 7 books around the room and had a girl walk around the room gathering books to stack on her head as she went. Before she started I gave her a card as a free gift for participating. It said I would bring treats on Tuesday to our activity. (This represented the free gift of immortality that Christ has given us all.)

Next she had to walk to room gathering books on her head as she went. Each book represented one of the steps our religion teaches are necessary for exaltation in the highest kingdom of heaven (Faith, Repentance, Baptism, Baptism of the Spirit, Temple Endowments, Temple Marriage and Enduring to the End.) At the end it was really hard to walk without losing the books. I had another girl help her a bit to steady the books as she walked. (This girl represented the heavenly help we receive to endure.) At the end she got a card that told her she got to pick her favorite treat for Tuesday.

In each book I had a scripture or quote for a girl to read that said that this step is essential. We talked about all the steps and why they are essential and how because of God is a perfect parent and a perfect being who is perfectly just, he must follow through with His word. Then we talked about why we should want this "upgraded gift" of exaltation.

There was a great story in the lesson that has stuck with me and it is part of the reason I am sharing all of this with you now. I wanted to share it with all of you.

To help the young women understand the great glory and happiness of those who are exalted, read the following experience of Elder Melvin J. Ballard who, as an Apostle, had a marvelous dream or vision:

Quotation

“Away on the Fort Peck Reservation where I was doing missionary work with some of our brethren, laboring among the Indians, seeking the Lord for light to decide certain matters pertaining to our work there, and receiving a witness from Him that we were doing things according to His will, I found myself one evening in the dreams of the night in that sacred building, the temple. After a season of prayer and rejoicing I was informed that I should have the privilege of entering into one of those rooms to meet a glorious Personage, and, as I entered the door, I saw, seated on a raised platform, the most glorious Being my eyes have ever beheld or that I ever conceived existed in all the eternal worlds. As I approached to be introduced, he arose and stepped towards me with extended arms, and he smiled as he softly spoke my name. If I shall live to be a million years old, I shall never forget that smile. He took me into his arms and kissed me, pressed me to his bosom, and blessed me, until the marrow of my bones seemed to melt! When he had finished, I fell at his feet, and, as I bathed them with my tears and kisses, I saw the prints of the nails in the feet of the Redeemer of the world. The feeling that I had in the presence of Him who hath all things in His hands, to have His love, His affection, and His blessing was such that if I ever can receive that of which I had but a foretaste, I would give all that I am, all that I ever hope to be to feel what I then felt!” (Melvin J. Ballard, Crusader for Righteousness [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1966], pp. 138–39).

I loved this account of this man's dream or vision. I could feel it as I read it to them. It has stayed with me since. I want to be there with Him too. I plan on being there - with Camille, with my family hopefully, and most importantly with my Savior and Heavenly Father.

Hey Beautiful Readers!

We are taking pictures for the new website of LaptopXchange and looking for people in the Las Vegas/Henderson area to come participate in the photo shot.  We're looking to fill the store up -- donuts and juice will be provided !!

Time: 9:00 AM, Saturday July 31, 2010
Where: 1381 W. Sunset Rd., #100
             Henderson, NV  89014