Thursday, October 7, 2010

Never Far

Today I got some photos I ordered for a school project for Lauren from Costco. This picture was in the bunch. Jon handed it to me and said, "That's my girl." I took it and looked at it. I still want to just jump back into that picture and grab her and hug her. 

It has been 2 years and almost 4 months. The world, and life has moved forward. I am fairly certain that Camille is not the first thing people think about now when they see me. I am happy for that. And my life is progressing. I don't cry about Camille every day or every week or even every month. Perhaps part of that is because I just don't talk about her (and especially about her passing) as often anymore. That is bitter sweet. I wish I had stories to tell about her and could include her in telling people the fun things my kids are doing. But I don't miss all the crying and I still can't talk much about her passing without crying. 

But the reality is that she is never far away. I think about her everyday - several times a day- and not usually in a sad and weepy sort of way. I just think of her. I wonder what she is doing. I wonder what she looks like as an angel. I wonder what it would be like to see her. I hold Noble and love his little body twice over for her. I insist on double kisses from him. I wonder if he still remembers her. And every night as I lay in my bed waiting to fall asleep I think of her again, and I try to avoid thinking of the fateful day she left our home. 

I write this because I want this to be a true record of where I am on this journey. Time has dulled the sharp intensity of the pain and longing for me. But it has not erased the desire and she is still in my heart and in my mind every single day.


Queen Scarlett said...

You are amazing. And she... she is beautiful. be honest... this post made me weep... you touched my heart. Thank you.

Sending you a prayer of joy.

Stephanie said...

Queen Scarlett,

Thank you. To be honest, writing this post made me cry too. :) She holds that most tender place in my heart.

And the calendar is made by my friend Shelli. You can email her about it at She sells them.


Grandma Honey said...

Precious. So precious.

Lindsay Chipman said...

I know you don't know me but I have been reading your blog for over a year now. 3 weeks ago my 3 month old passed away and I have been wondering if it really will get better. Reading your post made me realize it may not get fully better but I will be able to handle it better. Thank you for that. Honestly and truly Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Love to you, Stephanie.


Denise said...

What a precious picture and little angel. Thank you for sharing.

Anonymous said...

precious moments stephanie.

The Lucksters said...

Have you, or you need to read: The Message by Lance Richardson.
My Dad passed away this past June. Oh how I LOVE him. (Not like losing a child for sure) But it really helped me!! I have much more understanding whats going on on the other side. What they are doing.
Its a short read, and I got another copy to give away on for $3. I would send it to you if jou give me your address. He is a mormon.

Darren and Nikki said...

love you steph!

Anonymous said...

My daughter's passing at age 19 was 3yrs. ago this month. This month is so hard for me yet nobody knows it. I, like you, sometimes miss that nobody says her name to me anymore. She is my daughter still and I think of her just as you described. The mother's heart just aches in ways nobody understands..even though I know she is in a great place I miss her..and all her friends that no longer come over..