Thursday, October 7, 2010

Never Far

Today I got some photos I ordered for a school project for Lauren from Costco. This picture was in the bunch. Jon handed it to me and said, "That's my girl." I took it and looked at it. I still want to just jump back into that picture and grab her and hug her. 

It has been 2 years and almost 4 months. The world, and life has moved forward. I am fairly certain that Camille is not the first thing people think about now when they see me. I am happy for that. And my life is progressing. I don't cry about Camille every day or every week or even every month. Perhaps part of that is because I just don't talk about her (and especially about her passing) as often anymore. That is bitter sweet. I wish I had stories to tell about her and could include her in telling people the fun things my kids are doing. But I don't miss all the crying and I still can't talk much about her passing without crying. 

But the reality is that she is never far away. I think about her everyday - several times a day- and not usually in a sad and weepy sort of way. I just think of her. I wonder what she is doing. I wonder what she looks like as an angel. I wonder what it would be like to see her. I hold Noble and love his little body twice over for her. I insist on double kisses from him. I wonder if he still remembers her. And every night as I lay in my bed waiting to fall asleep I think of her again, and I try to avoid thinking of the fateful day she left our home. 

I write this because I want this to be a true record of where I am on this journey. Time has dulled the sharp intensity of the pain and longing for me. But it has not erased the desire and she is still in my heart and in my mind every single day.