Present

Sometime the job of Mom can be a bit ... monotonous. Even with the perspective I have now of appreciating even the stinky parts of motherhood, there are times when the days run together like a seemingly endless chain or repeated chores, messes, homework assignments, diapers, meals, bedtimes etc...

The other day I was thinking about this as I was driving. I was thinking about how often my mind is elsewhere as I perform my daily mothering tasks. It is planning the weekend or thinking about my young women or lingering in the past. As I thought about this I had a moment where I felt 100% in the present and felt a rush of gratitude.

I feel I need to spend more time disciplining my mind to live more presently. My most treasured motherhood moments have been ones where I was 100% in the moment and present with my children. All my focus was on what we were doing right then. And they have been simple things like teaching the kids a lesson or drawing pictures with them or watching them learn something new.

I really want to be as present as I can for my kids. That isn't always easy for me. But I know the returns on this kind of invested time are what makes motherhood worth it. One day at at time I am going to work on that. Tomorrow's goals: spend some time present 100% in the moment with each kid, keep a loving tone (still working on that one), get my "do" list done. If I am going to be successful at that I better get some sleep. Wish me luck. :)

Insomnia

It is late. I want to be asleep. I am in bed ... awake. I tried for an hour to go to sleep. No luck.

2 hours ago Ann Marie came and knocked at our bedroom door for about the 4th time complaining that she couldn't sleep. I don't know what her problem is :).

I thought reading some legal definitions would quiet my mind. I read through the Federal Rules of Evidence. Still not feeling very sleepy.

I have not posted for a few days. I haven't been ready to have Camille's picture not be the first thing I see on my blog again yet. I have been thinking about her quite a bit this week. Today I read some of a blog someone put in one of my comments about a little boy who drowned in the tub. I can't read that. It brings it all back too fresh for me. I've spent the day trying to train my thoughts away from it. Just too close to home. I hope that mom can find a way to keep her mind in the now and move forward from that awful day. It is a hard thing to do.

Now for a happy thought to end the night (hopefully) and this post on. Tonight Jon and I laid in the girls room and we all shared stories of our favorite vacations. Each of my girls shared a memory of our family trip to Mexico last year. I was happy they remembered their experiences and felt that was money well spent. Now my mind is dreaming up our next family vacation.

Where has been your favorite family vacation with little kids? I could use some suggestions.

REAL

This is one of the pictures I have blown up big of Camille. We got it blown up for the funeral. Now it is in Lauren's room. Only Lauren doesn't sleep in Lauren's room anymore. She doesn't like to be alone so she sleeps on Sabrina's trundle bed between Sabrina's bed and Annie's bed. So we don't go into Lauren's room so often.

Yesterday I walked by and looked in and saw this picture. Camille is life sized in it, hanging on the wall. Then I walked into the girls room and started getting them ready for bed. I sat on Sabrina's bed as the girls were brushing their teeth and saw this picture, which is also life sized and hanging in Sabrina and Annie's room on Annie's half of the room.

"She was real." That was the thought that hit me. And with it came that feeling that was so familiar 18 months ago every time I saw a picture of her. It was the overwhelming desire to jump into the picture and be there with her and touch her and hold her again.

She was real and tangible and lovable just as much as Mr. Noble is to me now. She IS real now. And she is just as much a part of our family as she ever was. We just can't see her now. But we can still feel her influence and at times we can even feel the presence of her spirit visiting us.

These thoughts and feelings made me reflect last night as I knelt beside my bed to say my prayers. He is REAL. He is my Father. I am His daughter. I want to feel of His spirit. I want to KNOW Him.

My prayers last night were ... focused. My heart this morning is soft and a little homesick for Heaven. It can feel what is Real even if I can't see it.

Sick Day

Today Ann Marie is home sick. She wrote an email to her teacher to let her know why she wasn't in school. 

Here is what she wrote:

Dear Mrs , 

I am at home with a fever and a sore throat and a runny nose that makes me cough. it hurts really bad when I cough. I miss you. 

Today my mom taught me about the Letters ugh in words. In words like cough, rough, tough and laugh, ugh makes the F sound. In word like taught, fought, and bought when ugh has a T at the end it makes the short O sound. That is my school for today.

Sabrina will be by to pick up my home work.

Love,

Ann Marie Waite

Ann Marie doesn't like being sick. Here is her best "sick" face for you.

Ann Marie is very good at mastering her emotions most of the time. She thought it was pretty silly to try to look sick in her picture. Her smile kept creeping up on her face.

But the coughs keep coming and that helps her channel her sick face for you.

Hopefully she will be better soon and back to school. Till then we will enjoy some one on one time with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory while baby Noble sleeps.

Sick Ann Marie Quote of the Day:

Mom: "Here is some Tylenol for your fever."

Annie: "I don't like this kind of medicine. I don't like its taste."

Mom: "It is grape. You like grape."

Annie: "Well I do like grape when it doesn't taste like poison grape. This tastes like poison grape. I like regular grape."

Mama: Distinction noted.

Yelling Update

So we are one week into my effort to not yell. I thought I ought to account for my progress. I am happy to say I have done very well. This week I have only come close to yelling twice. Both times as I felt my frustration reach the yelling point I recognized it and took a deep breath. Then I said to the kid who had been ignoring me, "Listen, I am trying really hard not to yell remember? Could you please help me out by being obedient and doing what I have now asked you 5 times to do?"

Then the kid has done whatever I asked and the frustration diffused. I have enjoyed reading the comments on tips to not yell. I think the one about getting on eye level and talking to the kid eye to eye is really good. Sometimes some of those are really hard to do when you have a baby nursing or are in the middle of a diaper change. But I saw that is what Michelle Dugger does to get her little ones to mind. I figure if she can do it with 19 kids or however many she has now, I can do it with the 4 in my home.

Well we will see how week 2 goes. Music has also been a really big help to bring a sweet spirit in our home. I love the power of music. Jon bought a new guitar today. I am excited to be serenaded to every night now. Right honey? My favorites that he sings to me are "the Luckiest" and "Tracks of my Tears." 

We are approaching Valentines day quickly here. One year Jon learned "the Luckiest" on the piano and surprised me by singing it to me. I loved it. What is one of your best Valentines day moments with your honey. I am looking for inspiration.

Typing One Handed

I have had my hands tied up the past couple of days. Sorry if I have been slow getting back to anyone on emails. My hands have been engaged in a most important work. And they have been loving every minute of it. They have been rubbing and patting and soothing and holding. It is their way of giving comfort. And the last couple of days this little guy has needed lots of that.

Mr. Noble woke up on Tuesday not feeling very well. He is cutting a 6th tooth and has a fairly constantly running nose. And he had a rash in his diaper area. But this seemed to be something more. He wasn't crying too much ... unless I put him down. He just wanted to be on my lap all day. He kept laying his head down on me. He hardly ever does that. To me this cuddliness was a sign that he really wasn't feeling good.

So I made an appointment with the doctor. I felt a little silly when she asked what was wrong and the primary symptom was that he was extra snuggley. But then that is so often the tale tale sign with babies.

She checked him out and found an ear infection and a yeast infection. Not so good. But we were glad to know what was hurting and why and how we can get all better.

He already seems to be feeling quite a bit better. I hate having him not feel well, but I have been savoring the time I have had with him laying on me and gaining comfort from my touch. It is a gift to be able to comfort my sweet baby. And I am happy to sacrifice my schedule to do it for this little guy.

The dishes and emails and blog posts and laundry can wait. My hands have been otherwise occupied. For this is the work my hands were meant to do. It is the greatest work any hands can do -- pure service to relieve the suffering of another. It is the work of the mother, the doctor, the nurse, the friend, the good Samaritan, the Savior.

Auction Loose Ends

Hi Everyone!

I have had a couple of loose ends with the Emily Jones Auction come to my attention. If you donated an item and never heard from me about where to send it -- please email me at stephaniewaite @ gmail . com.

If you paid for an item and haven't heard from the donor or seen the item come, please email me as well. I just want to make sure everyone got their items.

The ONLY item that did not get sold was a tutoring session in the Denver area. (Thanks for being willing anyway!)

And in case you didn't see my comment after yours or my email, Yes Erika, the winner of the rag quilt is Bonnie and she did pay and the address I sent you is where her item should be sent.

Thanks again to everyone!

What Was in the 3 Boxes

Some of you have been wondering about what was in the 3 box gift my mother had wrapped up for me for Christmas. This may be a month late but here is the beautiful angel garden statue that she gave me.

She is beautiful. Don't you think? It was such a great and touching surprise for my Christmas morning. Thanks so much Mama. I love you!

The Best Gifts

We are told to seek after the "best gifts" of our Heavenly Father here on Earth. I hope someday to find my heart has become as pure and undefiled as my sweet Sabrina's. 

Today she called a "family council" together. I was curious as to what was so pressing on her mind that she felt the need to gather us in such a formal occasion. We all sat down in the living room and turned the time over to her. 

"I have noticed that there has been a lot of yelling going on around our house," she said sheepishly looking at me. It is true. I have been coming down hard on "clean up after yourself month" and using a raised voice to get the attention of little people who seem to have selective hearing.

"Well I was just thinking," she continued, "that we should not be yelling and that we should play the Camille music instead." 

Earlier today we Sabrina docked the ipod in the stereo and it started playing music. Two songs in it switched from Christmas music to Camille's lullaby and then on to Calling All Angels and That Glorious Day. The atmosphere in the house noticeably changed almost instantly. That sweet beautiful feeling that filled our home in the weeks and months after Camille's passing was suddenly all around us. We all got quiet as the music played, even the baby. I noticed it at the time. We didn't stop what we were doing. But we did it all with more .... well ... reverence. 

I was so amazed that my sweet eight year old daughter recognized this shift and wanted more of it in our home. I told her how happy I was for her suggestion and her reminder to me to find another way to get my children to obey that is more in keeping with the Spirit that should be in our home.

I will be working on that as my goal for February. But I think I will start that February goal today. I have an idea or two on how to do this but I am open for suggestions. Has anyone found some way to get their kids to listen and obey without having to raise their voice?

Mobile Noble

It has been a big week for Mr. Noble. He officially started crawling at Uncle Morgan and Aunt Buffs house last week. He had been close for a while and could move pretty well in a small area by scooting on his bum while sitting up or by laying down and rolling over once and then sitting back up. But last week he started crawling forward.

Now I have to sharpen my "KEEP EYES ON AT ALL TIMES" skills again and temper the paranoia I have about that with ... well with faith I guess. Faith that the Lord will help me. Faith that no child is taken before his or her time if you are living righteously. Faith that Camille's death was in the grand plan of my Father and not something I could have prevented. Faith that if it hadn't been the spa it would have been something else. Faith that it was just her time. Yes, I am going to have to dig deep into that well of faith to help me temper my anxiety this go round.

While I haven't been looking forward to this crawling phase because I knew it would be challenging for me, I am thrilled to see my little man so excited with his new ability. And even as he is just getting crawling going he is already wanting to stand on his own two feet. He will stand up next to the sofa and steady himself. Then he will get this excited, daring look in his eyes and take his hands off the couch. He will look at me as if to say "Look Mom! Look I am standing! Wahoo!" Then he falls onto his bum.

So I guess I am in for a whole new adventure with Mr. Mobile Noble. Oh and there he is calling me from his crib now to let me know he is awake. I am off to get him!

Wise Words

This week I read an article in the Mormon Times about a mother who died in a car accident last fall. Her husband had emailed some of his thoughts to the reporter and a good portion of his email was directly quoted in the article. His name is Justin Young and his wife's name is Katie. 

I wanted to share some of what he wrote because I thought he put some of the feelings of grief so well and even though our losses are different I identified with his sentiments. Thank you Justin for sharing your thoughts.

Justin Young wrote, "The refining fire of the Lord is not a pleasant place to be and it takes faith, courage and trust in the Lord that he is shaping you into the person he knows, wants and needs you to be. I consider myself a man of great faith in God and his plan, but I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that the greatest faith cannot rescue one from the pangs of grief.

"But I have found that in those moments of deepest sorrow, when my very heart seems to be tearing itself in two, the moments that take me to my knees begging for understanding, peace, love, light, relief ... it is in those moments of humility, left with nothing but a broken heart and contrite spirit, that the greatest lessons of life have been taught and the mysteries of his kingdom are unfolded to view.

"Lessons and teachings that cannot all be shared openly, but cherished privately, and treasured up unto ourselves giving us not the wisdom of man, but the wisdom born of God."

That wisdom, he said, "is forged from the flames of experience and this experience has opened my eyes beyond my own ability to see. And because of this, I believe we should be grateful for the trials we have today because they'll make us who we'll be tomorrow."

True Hope

Saturday I took Ann Marie, Lauren and cousin Stella for a "birthday outing." We went to a salon to get Annie's hair done all fancy (photos to come). Then we went to the mall to get an outfit for her at Gymboree and lunch at Ruby's diner. All in all it was a fun outing with the little girls. 

But one part of the outing has left its mark on me. We walked into Gymboree and my eyes lit upon the most beautiful, dear little dress. It was royal blue and white. The whole collection was blue and white and each piece was just precious. I wanted to buy them ALL. I wanted to buy them for my little bright blue eyed girl. They just screamed Camille. 

You know how you can see a dress and it just looks so "insert the name of your best friend or mother here." Well these just looked so Camille. And here I have a little boy with her eyes but I don't think Jon would appreciate him being put in a dress. I put the dress up to Annie to see if maybe I could get it for one of the other girls but ... it just wasn't right on her. I knew it wouldn't be right on any of the other girls. No, it was a Camille dress.

So I purchased items for Annie in her favorite color green. And I got some essentials for Noble. Then I left the store and finished our outing. On the drive home from California that night with all my family asleep in the car I let the emotions come. 

I even thought about going ahead and buying the dress in a size 2 and putting it in my "hope" chest. Right now it is filled with Camille's things. I thought perhaps I could put it in there as a true "hope" piece. I can hope the second coming happens in my life time right? I can hope that this little dress will survive all the destruction that proceeds it. But then do I really want to get hopes up for something that very well may not happen in my life? 

The practical side of me won out. It is just a thing. I am sure there will be beautiful clothes in the millennium for me to put on my sweet blue eyed girl. I'll be fine. 

So I pulled myself together, there in the darkness of the desert. And the lump in my throat subsided. I wiped the tears from my face and marveled at how much less deep the pain is for me now than it was for me a year and a half ago, or even a year ago. It took a while of letting my feelings come to the surface before the tears came. And when they came they were few. Then I felt a little guilty. It is a natural thing -- this guilt over healing -- not logical but natural.

And then, there in the car in the darkness of the night, I felt a wave of joy rush over me. It was not my joy. It was hers. It was her joy that my pain is subsiding. It was her joy in being where she is. And it swept away the guilt and made me happy. And I felt as if all was right in the universe. Our family felt whole with me and Jon and our four charges in the car and our angel girl keeping us connected to the eternal joy that awaits us with true Hope. 

Ann Marie Day

Happy Birthday to my little Ann Marie. She is 7 today. She came into the world screaming and has gotten more pleasant to be around every year she has been alive. She is now one of the best cleaners, cookers, helpers, workers, readers, students or daughters you could ever meet. In honor of her birthday her dad wrote up an incident that happened with her the other week at church when I was home with a sick Mr. Noble.

One fairly recent Sunday Stephanie stayed home with the baby when he was sick. That left me on full time Dad duty for church. While I was pondering deep religious subjects during Sacrament Meeting (eyes closed), Sabrina said to me rather frantically, “Annie just threw her mittens across the church!!”  I looked over to see Annie standing up and looking – no, GLARING, at something or someone behind us.  It was pretty packed and I didn’t know who she was looking at so I quickly pulled her back into her seat and muttered something about being reverent.             

As I was walking around the hallway after Sacrament meeting, one of the guys in our ward stopped me and we had the following dialogue:

“Hey – which one of your daughters has the arm?!?” 

“Huh?”

“Which one of your daughters threw that bullet in church?”

“Oh, that must have been Annie – did you see what happened?”

“Well the [family name removed] boy was sitting 4-5 rows back, making faces at Annie.  She just cocked her hand back and threw a perfect shot right at him, mitten flying across the church.”

I laughed and thought: well, she has a future in baseball.  The funny thing is that Ann Marie and this boy were bugging each other at the Christmas party just a week or two before the occurrence.  I think as part of the playful bugging one of the boy’s brothers recited some poem involving Ann Marie, this boy, a tree and kissing.  Stephanie and I explained to her that boys sometimes show they like girls by being annoying and bugging girls and girls sometimes show they like boys by being annoying right back. We let her know the best response was to ignore this boy and he would probably stop. But somehow I don't think this little girl is going to be very good at ignoring boys anytime soon.

Kid Quote of the Day

Sabrina came home from school on Friday telling me that she finished her next level of math minute. These are timed math tests. She has been doing flash cards at home trying to get better at this. She hates being timed.

So she told me she finished her timed test on Friday but because it was Friday she didn't get to bring it home yet. I kept asking her if she REALLY did it, since I told her if she could finish it this week I would take her for a scoop of ice cream.

Last night we took her for her scoop of ice cream. Today I was teasing her about how she better have really done it and not been kidding me. Annie said, "Hey Mom, I know how you can know. Just ask her some of those math questions and see if she knows them."

Then Sabrina butted in with, "No Annie that won't work. I have to SEE them! I am a virtual person!"