Noble adjusting

Several people have asked me how Noble is doing with the new baby around. The answer is, "far better than I expected." Ever since Noble was about 18 months old he has been carrying around and sleeping with baby dolls. He likes to take care of his "babies." He has a natural love for little ones.

So the biggest problem we have had with Noble and our new baby Harrison is keeping Noble from "taking care" of this new baby. I have to be really careful to make sure never to leave the baby in a place where Noble can try to pick him up. This means I am holding either the baby or Noble lots.

Noble first meeting Harrison

But there hasn't been any of the jealousy issue or sibling rivalry that I have had with introducing some other babies to the family. Noble adores the baby. He loves to go over and give the baby kisses or hold the baby which he does while sitting on Mama's lap. He is quick to jump and run to help the baby and give him loves if Harrison cries.

 Still kissing brother.

Sharing lap space.

And other than that, Noble is being a super hero. Here he is enjoying a Superman outfit hand me down from cousins...

And a bit of Captain America

And Chocolate Pudding Man???

Love having "little boys" at home with me during the day. Savoring each moment of their "little" lives before they grow up and get hairy and leave me. :)

A Noble Heart

I wish I had a picture or better yet a video to show you what I am writing about today. Since I have neither, I am left trying to capture a sweet moment with words alone. I promise to keep it under 1000 :) and hope I can still capture it in my own mind at least as vividly as a photograph could.

Ann Marie was having a hard morning. You have to understand that she is ... dramatic. She can make herself cry at the drop of a hat and uses that ability to get what she wants. I actually know she is really upset when she is trying not to cry but failing. So in any case, she was pouting and crying on our way to church. And then she was pouting and crying as church started. I knew her issue wasn't anything too major, so I wasn't worried about her. I just was giving her extra love and trying to keep her sisters from bothering her.

This year our church time starts at Noble's nap time. He is one tired boy at church. So he is often all over the place and hard to keep in the pew. Such was the case today. At least until he saw Annie with her tears. He struggled free of everyone else's grasp and stood up on the pew next to her facing the row behind us. Then he swung one leg over her lap and sat down. He wrapped his little arms tight around her neck and laid his head down on her shoulder.

She wrapped her arms around him and rocked him as she cried. He laid on her like that for quite some time - far longer than I expected or was normal. I don't think anyone could have comforted her better at that moment. He did this two or three times during the beginning of our church meeting until Dad took him out to the foyer to get him to sleep. It just touched my heart to see it.

There is a bit of magic in the touch of this toddler. I am not sure how to describe it. Losing Camille has frozen her at that age in all our hearts and minds. Having Noble here with us as this toddler doesn't replace her in anyway but he is like a surrogate carrier of the loves we would have been able to get and give to her in some way. I am not sure that even makes sense but it just melted my heart to see him loving on Annie today and in church and knowing that that toddler love that she has missed out on has in  some small measure been restored by the sweet and tender heart of her her brother.

Crazy Lady

Do you ever feel like you are going crazy? Sometimes I do. My emotions have been all over the place lately. Not only have I had mood swings that could rock a cruise ship but I have also had a myriad of emotions all surging within at the same time. I mean, how is it that I want to laugh and cry and scream and run for no good reason at the same exact time?

I had to apologize to my kids today for being snippy. I guess it is at least good to know I am acting like a crazy lady so I can tell them so and let them know it is me not them. But it makes me wonder how I am going to survive the teenage years when we will have 4 crazy ladies in the house snipping at each other and laughing and holding back tears all at the same time.

The girls started dance classes this week. It has been fun to see them all cute in the dance clothes. Noble... well he is at a frustrating stage. By that I mean that he is often frustrated because I won't let him feed himself every meal and he only wants to eat if he feeds himself. We are negotiating. He will only drink out of big cup and only if he can hold it. (sippy cups are for shaking upside down to make it rain right?) I can't even hand it to him. I have to put the cup down and let him pick it up himself. Then I don't let him go anywhere with the cup. That is frustrating to him. At least he is getting really good at cleaning up his spills.

So many times a day I just want to eat him up. I wish he liked to snuggle because I just want to squeeze him in gratitude that he is here with me every day. But he is too busy to snuggle. There is a whole world to learn about and discover right? Today I made muffins. He got up on a stool and got a pair of tongs and tried to feed himself some of those muffins. It was so funny. By the time I got him down he had muffin all over his face and a few of the muffins had been hammered. Of course when I put him in his high chair with a muffin, he only wanted to pull of pieces to throw on the ground. When I took him out he went back to the stool and got the tongs again and went to work trying to use those tongs to get muffin in his mouth.

Sorry if these little details are a bit boring for you all. I just wish I had written more of Camille's little day to day details down. So I am trying to get my little kid details down here for myself. I don't want to forget this crazy stage of life and the wonder of watching my children discover the world.

Noble's first "word?"

Me and Noble looking out my bedroom window down below at the girls in the backyard taking photos of the butterfly they released on Camille's birthday.

I am often asked if I can tell a difference between having a boy and having girls. Most of the time my answer is, "not so far." I mean yes diaper changing -- well there are obstacles to wipe around there. That is different. But he is a baby. My girls were babies. He has not been my most "adventurous" baby. That was between Camille and Annie. He eats a ton. But so did several of my girls. 

I always tell people, "I am sure I will see more differences as he gets older." Well I now have one difference that is fairly stark. My son doesn't say Mama or Dada on cue or when he sees us. He will babble "mamamama" or "dadadadad" but it isn't in relation to us yet. He will, on the other hand, make the sound of a car every time he picks up one of his little toy cars. That is not something girls do. At least not any of mine. 

My girls - they all spoke English first -- Not CAR. 

Having grown up surrounded by brothers, I spent countless hours making hot wheel tracks through my parents shag carpet with my little brothers. I loved the process of "picking our cars" before we would play. I had to make sure I got one of every kind for every need. A sports car, a van for when we go on trips, a truck in case I need to haul something, a car to take to work... 

I love seeing hot wheels in my home again and look forward to my years playing them with Noble. 

Holding Him, Holding Her, Holding Me

Tonight Noble fell and bumped his head on the tile. It wasn't a very bad bonk. He kept his head up enough to cushion the blow. But it scared him and he wanted his mom to hold him afterward. So I picked him up and after his initial cries he settled down. But he still just wanted me to hold him. I was ever so happy to oblige. 

I sat on our green rocking chair. Someone had taken Noble's clothes off after dinner so he was only wearing a diaper. I sat rocking on the chair with him sitting in my lap facing me. He laid his head down on my chest and I sat with my arms around him rocking his little body.

He is so white. His skin is like my husbands. There is no "olive undertone" there. It is just as fair as can be. I laid my cheek down on his soft hair. He was totally still except I could feel him breathing.

And I was taken back to holding her, that last time, when she stopped breathing in my arms. She was the same size and felt the same weight. Her skin was so white and soft against mine. And she was totally still. And I felt the last breaths go out of her.

Noble has been so healing for me in so many ways. But there are moments like this when he takes me back to another time and another child and my heart lives again some other life that was. Perhaps there is healing in the reliving as well. Perhaps we must learn to sip from the cup of our bitter memories to truly say we have become accustomed to their taste in our mouth. Or perhaps it is tasting them again that helps us see how far we have come.

I looked at the pictures my sister-in-law Elizabeth took in that moment when I last held her. It was so like my moment today only so filled with pain and sorrow instead of the sweetness and joy of today. I marveled as I looked at myself in that image. How did I do that? How am I still here? How did I ever let anyone take her out of my arms? How did I get up and use my legs again?

People talk about miracles where loved ones are healed and the sick are made well. Looking at that picture tonight I could see that there was a miracle happening in that room and in that very frame. I had prayed so hard for a miracle for her but the Lord intended to show His miracle by helping me. How else could I have kept breathing when she stopped? And how else could I be where I am today - feeling whole and peaceful and hopeful and joyful despite my bitter cup. Yes there was a miracle happening. But it has taken time to see and realize that all the while He has been holding Me.