Monday, June 15, 2009


I am back from a lovely vacation in Southern California. Running away proved to be a fabulous idea and the time away has left me feeling relaxed though sleep deprived. But then most of us mothers of newborns are sleep deprived. There are some jobs from which there are no vacations.

I also took what has been my longest vacation from blogging. I actually didn't even take my computer on my trip. I wanted to just be disconnected from the world for a bit. It was lovely to forget which day it was and wonder what to do with each day.

And now today I am back. Back to my home. Back to my own bed. Back to my own schedule.

Today I am not marking the one year mark. Physically my body knows what day it is, what weekend it has been. I have been fighting off migraines since Saturday evening. I get these only when I am going through something stressful. But luckily I am able to nip them in the bud with Excedrin or Ibuprofin.

Emotionally I am SOOOO much better than I was a year ago ... well it just makes me feel grateful to be where I am today instead of where I was.

A year ago this day marked the end of one journey and the beginning of another. The 13th is the day I feel like we really lost Camille. I knew she was gone when I got to the hospital and saw Jon's face. That day was the worst day. The 15th was the day we said goodbye and resigned ourselves to the fact that miracle of her recovering was not in the Lord's plan.

This day marked the end of the terrible unknown in the hospital and the beginning of the certainty of a life without Camille. A year ago that was a life I didn't know how I could live. It was a life without joy, without hope, without the sun to shine on me.

Today I have learned that it is not a life without Camille. The sun still shines on me. There is still joy, hope and happiness. Camille is still very much a part of our family and I feel her light often in our home. There are still waves of sorrow and grief and pain but today I know that life is so much more than I thought it could ever again be a year ago.

Today I feel like I am turning a new page, starting a new chapter in this journey. I have passed all the firsts. Today I am writing new scripts, making new memories. Today Camille is well and happy and so am I. I am grateful for today.