I have been feeling "overcast" the last couple of days. Last night was particularly "stormy" for me. It has been the first time in many months that I have felt the ache and sadness of grief revisit me in force. I felt the physical pain of the absence of Camille in my heart yesterday.
That is hard for me to admit. It is not easy to write it here and even more difficult to tell anyone else. I only told Jonathan. I don't have some reason for why it hit. There was no "trigger" that set it off. I don't know why I am just missing her so much the last few days. I just am.
Why is it so hard for us to admit when we are feeling low? I know I am not the only one who feels this way. To me it is a bit embarrassing to tell someone I am sad and a bit depressed. Why is that? There is no shame in sorrow and grief and depression. They are all human emotions. We all experience them. Why do we feel we must hide them from others?
Perhaps it is because we don't want to make others uncomfortable. Often people do not know how to respond to someone who is grieving or sad or depressed. How can we help them anyway? Maybe we don't tell people because there really isn't anything they can do anyway and we don't want to make them feel bad also.
But I have found that many times, just talking about it (or writing about it) gets the sadness out. Many times we just need to let the sadness out and then we feel better. I guess that is why I decided to blog about it now. It isn't something I should have to hide or be ashamed to feel. I don't expect people to know what to do or to think they need to do something to make it better. I have learned that some things can't be made "better" they just become more bearable.
I just wanted to get a bit of the ache out. I want to see it on the page instead of feeling it like a whole in my chest. Perhaps the sun will come out tomorrow. Here's hoping my spirits warm up as well.
