Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Waiting for the big one?

This weekend we went to Utah and we got to spend some sweet time with my dear friend Kami. We were roommates freshman year of college. She got married her second year and we lost touch for years. When I got pregnant with Camille and we were considering the name Camille, I thought about Kami. I knew we would call our child "Cami" if we choose Camille as our name. I knew I would think of Kami since she was the only Cami or Kami I had ever known. I had great association with the name because of her. Still I hadn't talked to her in about 13 years. I wondered what had become of her. 

So I set to finding out. I called another of our roommates and between us we figured out where her parents lived. I called around till I found her parents and then got Kami's number. I called her up and reconnected. I told her of the baby I was having and how I was considering naming her Camille or Cami. I told her I had called to see if her life was in order so I wouldn't be naming my baby after someone who would be a poor model. To my great pleasure, she was still as wonderful as the year we lived together. And we choose the name Camille with confidence. 

I loved spending time around Kami. I love being able to say her name. That may sound weird but sometimes I just want to say the name Cami. I call out Annie and Saby and Lauren and Noble all the time. I don't get to say Cami very often. I miss the sound of her name on my lips. And people can get uncomfortable or worry about you if you are talking about your dead child to them all the time. So it was nice to spend a weekend with our family referring to Kami and going to Kami's house without all the heavy emotion we usually associate with the name. She is one of the few adults I let my children call by first name. 

One night while we were talking, Kami noted how in life she felt her trials had been relatively minor (like a 2 on a scale of 1-10). She expressed a fear or thought that I used to have all the time. The wondering what big trial was coming to you. It seems everyone has their big trial in life. No one escapes without feeling the heat of the refiners fire. And she wondered if I no longer feel that expectation or wonder. Did I feel like I now knew what my big trial was and that nothing harder would come to me. 

I wish I could say I did feel that way. But I am too young and too aware now to think that I am safe from big trials. I hope none will be as hard as this trial of losing a child. But I am painfully aware from my association with other angel mothers that experiencing this doesn't get you some pass to get out of future BIG trials. I thought that tonight as I read THIS most recent update on Sheye's blog about her pregnancy. I wish you could really send a hug through cyberspace.

I am praying for her tonight. I am hoping to have the strength to endure whatever lies ahead. And I am enjoying the blessings I have today knowing life gives us no guarantees.