Wednesday, January 13, 2016

She is Here

Monday I took a small mid morning nap. It wasn't a long one. Almost just resting my eyes while Jonathan got ready for a trip he was leaving on midday. But in the 20 minutes I was asleep I was with Camille. She was here in our home playing on the fireplace and goofing around with Harrison. The most vivid memory I have of the dream is of scooping her up in my arms to take her off the fireplace and then picking Harrison up too (though he was a big smaller and younger in the dream.)

Until this point in the dream I didn't recognize it was her that I was watching and tending. It was only when I picked her up in my arms that I recognized the weight of her. You know each toddler really does feel different when you hold them. I didn't want to hold other peoples toddlers after she died. They didn't feel like her.

In my dream I instantly remembered the feel of the little bit of chub on her thigh and the strength of her body. And it hit me that it was Camille. She was here with us. She is Here. I can't see her but she is never far away.

So that afternoon when I saw these tulips at Costco all white with just a hint of pink on the edges, well I bought them for myself. Just a reminder of what is here but not seen.