Saturday, June 21, 2008

Blessings, Blessings, Blessings

I am counting my blessings today.  We just got home.  Walking into the church for the funeral I was taken back by who was there.  Beyond members of our ward and our old ward, there were neighbors, old family friends from my childhood, old roommates from college, my daughters former school teachers, friends from our days in California, and a friend who lived with us for a couple of years that flew up from Texas.  I looked over the audience and thought, "Gee, this is like attending your own funeral.  Well, yes, in a way this is my own funeral.  Babies are so much a part of their mothers.  Their identity is indelibly linked to their mother.  We were one once and even after birth my food was her food.  She was still a part of me.  Now she is gone and she has taken a part of me with her. 

Thank you for all your prayers today.  The funeral proved to be a good experience.  Jon's talk, which he wrote out, was wonderful.  The music was simple and uplifting.  With Annie on my hip "helping me" I was able to deliver my talk about Camille's mission on this earth (to learn, to love, and to inspire) without crying so much I couldn't talk.  My favorite part of the funeral was the feelings I felt when I bore my testimony.  One of the greatest ways for me to know truth is to speak it.  I can feel as soon as something comes out of my mouth whether it is true or not.  I know when what I am saying is wishful thinking and when it is a deep truth.  As I stood today and bore my testimony that God lives, and the Jesus is the Christ and that through His Atonement we can be made whole, spiritually, emotionally, and physically, I knew -- and I mean KNEW -- that it was Truth.  I also knew as I spoke that truly that it was only through her early death that Camille could fulfill her mission here on earth.  She has changed every member of my family and inspired so many others.  I am a changed woman.  I am personally invested in returning home to my Father in Heaven because Camille is with Him.  She is the unbreakable tie that will align my life with His will and keep me seeking His mercy so I will be able to raise her to maturity in the day of the coming of the Lord.  This was ultimately her purpose and her beauty and charm were tools she was given to make us all fall so in love with her that she could accomplish her it.  So in counting my blessings today, I count the greatest as my testimony of the gospel which teaches me that I will be with her again and I will have the privilege of raising her in a far more enjoyable setting than I would have had here.

I am also thankful for the blessing of so many wonderful family and extended family and friends.  We have been showered with love and service and I have to again say thank you.  Thank you for the comments on the blog.  I read them whenever I feel lonely and feel of the love from all those I know and the friends of friends and the strangers who know me from my posts.  Thank you for the card sent in the mail that bring tears to my eyes and comfort to my heart.  Thank you to all who have made donations to charity in Camille's name and for the flowers, the books, and the stories shared of understanding the loss of a child and how you coped.  (I feel I have joined a club of extraordinary human beings, purified through this painful trial.)  And a special thank you to so many who have thought of my children and sent gifts for them.  Helping them through their pain is my top priority now.  It has been so helpful to have a fun activity available to pull out to help dry the tears after they let the sorrow flow onto my shoulder.  My camera battery is nearly dead but I managed to get a couple photos of some of the wonderful treasures given to us. 
I had not started Camille's baby book yet.  I had saved all the stuff and done some journaling but just hadn't put it in a book.  My sister in law Nikki's sister Buffy (I LOVE YOU BUFFY) got some friends together and did a scrapbooking marathon.  I don't think I could have done this myself and it is perhaps my greatest non living treasure right now.   
I wish I could show you all the whole thing.  But here is a look at one of the pages.
Thank you thank you thank you to Buffy and all her friends who helped put this together for me.
The next photo is of a really soft "magic" blanket another friend gave us.  (Thanks LaRae!)  In her card she said the magic blanket is to wrap around us when we need a hug from those who love us.  I told the girls it was a special blanket to wrap up in when the miss Camille and wish they could get a hug from her.  
Thanks again to everyone who has brought us food, read our blog, said a prayer for us, or just hugged their kids a little more for us.  You are all blessings in our lives.