Monday, October 27, 2008

Pregnancy Mercies

I thought I might share now some of the interesting details of the early part of this pregnancy. And for those who are wondering, yes we will find out if it is a girl or boy if and when we can.

First, Sabrina was the first person I told. Finding out I was pregnant was a bittersweet experience. It has never been like that for me before. I was excited and had been trying with Sabrina, Lauren and Camille. Ann Marie was a surprise but not an unwelcome one. Each time I have seen the two lines on the pregnancy test I have instantly been excited and thrilled. 

This time we had been trying and I knew I would be disappointed if we were not pregnant. At the same time seeing the positive result did not fill me with excitement as in days past. I just took it in. I breathed. I was taking a huge step forward. I knew that. But sometimes it feels that steps forward are steps away from Camille. And so I let the bittersweetness of the moment have time to mellow in my soul.

I did not tell anyone for a day. Sabrina had been asking for many weeks about how exactly we could get some seeds planted in me so I could have a baby. So with Jonathan's prearranged permission, she was the first person I told. She in turn told her dad and then kept it a secret. 

The night after I told Sabrina I came down with Fifth's Disease. I posted about how sick I was back then. Fifth's Disease can cause miscarriage in early pregnancies. So for the first 4 weeks I told no one about the pregnancy. I told myself that I was not really pregnant, just late. I did not want to be disappointed by a miscarriage. 

I paid my doctor weekly visits so she could do tests to see if the pregnancy had survived my illness. Fifth's Disease either terminates the pregnancy or has no effect. It was an all or nothing threat. Weeks passed and the ultrasounds were inconclusive. Finally, at eight weeks, we saw a little blob in my uterus with a flickering heartbeat in the middle of it. 

This little peanut, as we are now calling him/her, had survived the week of 103 degree fevers and all the stress of Fifth's Disease. I felt an assurance that this baby would safely be brought into this world. I know many other mothers in my shoes fear losing their child, before or after birth. I do not have this fear anymore. Once I saw that heartbeat, I just lost all that fear. 

I do not know for sure that this will be born without complications and will grow up and live to a ripe old age. I don't know that for any of my kids. But I feel that all is in accordance with the Lord's plan for my life. I am following the river of peace that runs through our lives and guides us to where we are supposed to be. If that river suddenly takes an unexpected turn, as it did for me when Camille drowned, I will traverse that territory as it comes. But I know as long as I am following the river, there will always be peace to succor me through the trials through which I must pass to become the woman the Lord wants me to be.

To the woman who asked if I thought her fears were fears or premonitions, they are probably fears if they are coming right after you have read about a bunch of other kids dying. But, I could be wrong. No matter what, we still ought to live spiritually ready for whatever the Lord would have us endure. And it can't hurt to take extra photos and video of your kids. We all lose our little kids. Most do not die but they ALL grow up. We only have so many opportunities to capture their cute sayings on film. They will only have these sweet little baby faces for so long for pictures. We all need to take a minute every couple of months to capture our kids in film, video and through journaling. They just grow too quickly. No matter what the future holds, we will be glad we took the time.