Friday, April 2, 2010

A Different Sort of Spring Cleaning

This has been a busy week. I have been keeping the kids busy having fun and meanwhile I have been doing some serious Spring Cleaning. I don't mean the kind that makes my house shiny. I mean the kind that makes my soul feel calm and clean and ordered.

Sometimes humanity's frailties and failings overwhelm me. This week I felt so utterly helpless to overcome my own human frailties. I try and try and try and still every time in one way or another I fail in my feeble attempts. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. I forget things -- appointments and classes -- that I have just been reminded about minutes before. I over schedule. I get tired of the constant daily routine. I get tired ... period. My mind gets weary of the worry -- the anxiety -- the stress of being responsible for the lives and happiness of these beautiful children with which I have been entrusted. 

This week I had a breaking point. It was culmination of things that just made me question almost everything I have believed these last two years. In many ways I have felt like I have been Peter walking on the water these last two years and this last week ... well I started to sink. 

So I spent a night crying till there were no more tears. And then I got an early morning migraine. And I fasted. And I prayed... lots. And I went to the temple. And I talked to my every faithful husband. He is so good. I have never loved him more than when he held my hand as I suffered with my migraine in the tub at 5 a.m.

I wanted a great miracle. I wanted a vision or to hear the voice of a heavenly being. I wanted something undeniable to tell me all that I have believed regarding Camille was in fact true - that it WAS her time and that the Lord would have taken her one way or another. I wanted a more sure witness of these beliefs. 

What I got instead was peace -- simple quietude of mind and spirit. The tempest of my mind was stilled and my questions left. Their urgency was lost. I was left with the quiet spirit of peace telling me that I was in fact accepted of the Lord. The message instilled in my soul was that it is more important that I focus my energy on trying my best to do all I can to create and feel love and joy with my family NOW ... today, than to worry about a thing in the past. 

In the end of this process, I guess I came to see that living in that Peace is all I really need. Because I know that He is the Author of the Peace and that is answer enough.