Thursday, July 30, 2009

I'm Not Going to Let You Win!

Sometimes I feel it -- the pressure, the heat from the battle. There is a continual onslaught of negative thoughts playing rounds in my head. Most of the time I can ignore them with the business of the day. In quiet moments they are harder to tune out.

I remind myself of all the answers I have come up with these last 13 months. I repeat to myself the same lines I have told myself a hundred thousand times before. I know my answers are good. They are both logically sound and I have felt their validity spiritually. I know my answers are true and good. But still the record spins it rounds of failure and despair in my head. And sometimes I hear it and feel it -- the pressure and the wearing down from this battle within.

I know these voices. I know who authors them. He wants me to be miserable. He wants me to give up. He wants me to drown myself in them. And he is relentless in his efforts.

And so must I be in mine. And so I say aloud so he can hear and know, "I'm not going to let you win. You will not win. I'm not going to let you win." And with those word I deliver a battle turning blow. The voices grow quieter and my own truth gains ground.

I will never cease to fight, thought I tire in the battle. I have warrior blood running through my veins. I will forge on day by day and in the end I will win. If for no other reason than to keep him from winning instead.