Thursday, July 24, 2008

A Personal Post

Most of my posts I write with an audience in mind. This one I did not. I wrote it for me. Writing for me is cathartic. It helps me feel better to release the emotion through words. I was not thinking I would post this when I wrote it. But, it is how I was feeling today. I feel better having written it. And I want this blog to portray a true picture of this period of my life. So here was this morning’s truth:

I would like to take my heart out and put it on this page. I want to see the pain in the words on my screen. I want it diffused into a trillion little bytes floating out in the great expanse of space.  I need to let this emotion run out my fingertips. It is too much in me.

I am slipping off the high I have been riding. Today is a harder day. It is not the same pain it was nearly 6 weeks ago. It is more of a dull ache now. I haven't ever felt physical pain to compare to the internal pain of mid June. I imagine it would be comparable to amputating a limb without any drugs and the phantom pains that follow.  

This pain now is like a headache. Sometimes it is in the background, dull and distracting. Other times it is throbbing and demands solitude. Then there are times it overcomes me like a migraine, making me physically ill and spontaneously producing tears and pleas for it to go away. 

We are swimming at my sisters.  I am cold in my wet suit when I get out of the pool. I lay on the warm cement like I did as a child to warm my body and dry my suit. I can feel the heat of the sun baking into my back. The hard surface beneath me exchanges heat for my chill and together they create an equilibrium of warmth.

My big floppy sun hat covers my face.  In the dim light of my sunglass-shaded view I can see the kids playing in the pool. I can smell the rich deep scent of the rosemary growing profusely behind me. I am still here.  Yes, I am still here.

The tears ebb out. I wonder if they will sizzle on the searing heat of the sidewalk. Alas, they are silent. There is no sound to my sorrow. There is only the sound of silence- the silence of absence, the silence of longing, the silence of drowning.

And yet, in the painful silence there still is a peace. In the sorrow there is a pervasive peace. How these two coexist, the peace and the pain, defies logic. They partner to dance gracefully across the stage of my life in this unwritten act. In the end, their dance will be the one I remember. I watch daily as this dance transforms me into a new being.

How I hope the Lord accepts this offering, this attempt to endure well His will. I so want to be a worthy servant in His work. But, of course, His pleasure is evident in the presence of the peace.

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27 

May peace prevail. 

May I live worthy of His grace that brings that sweet peace to my soul. 

May peace prevail. 

47 comments:

LL said...

beautiful. heart breaking and so real. thank you for sharing your heart with us.
and for sharing the story of your sweet baby girl!
i'm touched daily by your honest words, your strength and your heart.
thank you.

Anonymous said...

dear stephanie,
I pray for you to have peace. I pray that you will know that with each tear, time will lighten this burden. The lord knows what we are capable of handling. He knows your limits and he walks with you in your sorrow, and he will lead you to your moments of peace and acceptance and realization. And you will be ok, because inside you know how to be strong, even when it has been a hard day. And you have so many of us cheering for you. And camille is cheering for you. I think of you often.

Anonymous said...

I think that when we desire to do the right thing. The right thing happens. You are doing the right things.

LL said...

i know I just left a comment, but I just had another thought as I looked at that picture of you from the funeral...
I have this quote, with today being Pioneer day...I thought this was so fitting of you.
“The days of the pioneers are not past. There are modern pioneers whose achievements are an inspiration to all of us."
Dallin H. Oaks
You are a Pioneer. You are inspiring countless people as you share your trials and your testimony.
Thank you, AGAIN!

Anonymous said...

you are such a talented writer, I appreciate the images that you are able to convey to your readers. How you are able to walk people through your moments using your gift for writing. But I mostly appreciate that you are allowing people to also see you.

Anonymous said...

God bless you. May you continue to find comfort in the fact you are changing lives.

Tracy said...

My heart is breaking for you right now. We ae praying for you and your family daily. Your words are so honest and true. I wish I was there to bring you dinner or chocolate, clean your house and take you to a movie. Stay strong. Keep your faith and remember all the people that are sending love and prayer your way. God Bless

Carolyn said...

I love you Stephanie.

scrap chair potato said...

You continue to inspire me.
I have been on vacation for over two weeks. Your blog is the only one I read while I was gone. I just had to get a daily scoop! :)
Thanks for posting.

Danielle said...

I am also on vacation, but checking your blog to see how you are doing. I was listening to a CD on our drive and these words from a primary song made me think of you. . ."He makes the sorrowing spirit sing." I loved the lullaby that you and your husband sang. I know that you are feeling the peace that only He can provide. I pray that it will continue each hour of each day.

www.adorn-jewelry.blogspot.com said...

Oh how I wish I could take this pain from your heart, your head, your soul. I cannot imagine its magnitude. Know that I am also experienceing physical pain on your behalf. I hope that helps relieve you a little. Let me carry a bit of your pain. I love you. You are amazingly strong and wonderful.

giddygoat said...

You are a brave woman.
God Bless you and be with you!

MaryClaire said...

thank you for being so willing to really share your emotions with all of us. i appreciate it, and i know that your posterity will appreciate how real you've been through it all. in thinking of you and praying for you, i'm glad that you're allowing yourself to feel. i know that so often as you work through it all it seems to be necessary to move through it and push those feelings aside, but every once in a while, you have to allow yourself to really feel and express them as you have.

thank you!

Jody said...

Stephanie,

Your blog has 163 subscribers on google reader alone. Throw in all the other RSS readers out there, and who know how many hundreds of people are visiting your blog every day to read your words, feel your spirit, and show their support to you and your family.

This post is the perfect example of why. It is beautiful, poignant, and honest.

Thank you for the lives you and Camille have touched and will continue to touch.

Alisha said...

Thank you for being so real in relaying your emotions...it sounds like you had a rough morning. I am no grief expert...but reading your blog I thought that soon...your 'high' might go...I am sorry I was right. I guess we just take the high's with the low's...I wish you the best. Again, thanks for sharing your blog with strangers like me...it has helped on a few situations. A lady I work with's grown daughter passed from cancer last December. The whole office was all about it, fund raisers, paid bereavement time to go to the funeral...NOW...nothing, everyone jsut goes on like nothing happened. I know such is life, but I did make a special attempt today to ask how she was 'really' doing and I could tell she appreciated it. Thanks again.

Chelsea said...

It is amazing to me that with the sadness and pain you are going through, your posts are so inspiring and strengthening. Each day(yes I do come often:)) I look forward to reading your words. I am sorry today was a hard day for you. I can't imagine the ups and downs you go through but I admire your courage & faith!!!

Kathryn said...

Oh sweet Steph...you are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing.

Kelsi said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers! I thank you for having the courage to share your story with the world! You are such an amazing writer and I am so glad for you that you have this blog to express your sorrow, and let the world know your sweet daughter through you! May you have peace and comfort is my prayer for you and your family Love, Kelsi

The Wheeler's said...

Hi Stephanie,
I have never commented before, I am Brittney Dye's cousin. I just want to thank you for the strength and comfort you bring into my life by reading and feeling the power and conviction in your words each day.
My husband and I are from Utah but currently living in Ecuador trying to adopt a little girl that we fell in love with back in 2006 when she was 15 months. Our beautiful little girl is now 3 years old. Today has been a particularly hard day for us, knowing that there are people working so hard against our case, and trying to take away our purpose and joy in this life right now. They actually sent her with a different family today trying to push her to bond with them because they think she is "too attached" to us. People have called us today to tell us her "adoptive family" came to pick her up today. Which you can imagine the pain we feel when we hear these words. However, nothing in court is finalized yet, so we do still have a slight chance to win the case. We are putting our full trust in our Almighty Father in Heaven. Sorry I'm rambling, todays been one of those days where its been hard to think straight. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that your words bring strength to us on this tough journey we are on. Stephanie, you are a beautiful, strong woman and I am grateful to be acquainted with your blog.
Much Love,
Sandy

Anonymous said...

stephanie-you do not know me personally, nor I u, but in this time of sorrow and heartache I can only express to you my deepest sympathies and hopes that you continue to feel peace. i prayed for you and your family last night. I only recently found your blog and it inspires me to reach inside myself and find the things that are more important that material things, to find the reasons why I live and why I love the gospel so much. thank you for your willingness to share your emotions and my the Lord bless you.

renae said...

i find myself thinking about you and camille at least every day, if not a few times a day. i wonder how you're doing... i'm sorry you had such a hard day today. i hope that the peace will be enough to carry you through. you're in my prayers.

and i have to know... what did e make for the SYTYCD refreshments???

Cairen said...

I want you guys to know that we are continually praying for your family to feel comfort. I am grateful for your openness and for sharing your feelings and thoughts because I know that your posts have touched many people. I hope that tomorrow will be a good day for the whole family!

Kunz Family said...

In my darkest hours that is the ONLY scripture that brings be ANY peace. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being my friend.
love you
britt

Megan Dougherty said...

We sang Come, Come, Ye Saints as the intermediate hymn on Sunday and all I could do was think of you. It was like the words were written just for Stephanie (especially the second verse). I love the hymns! They always bring such peace to my soul. May they bring peace to yours in my continual prayer for you!!

Jorgenson Clan said...

Hi Stephanie,
This is my first time leaving you a comment but I have been following your blog for a few weeks now. My friend is friends with one of your sisters in law (I believe). I just wanted you to know that I have been forever changed by your story, your testimony, and your strength. You have truly inspired me to be a better mom and my testimony of the gospel has been strengthened. I hold onto my children a little tighter, watch them a little closer, and try to exercise more patience when dealing with the everyday challenges (I have a 3 year old and 18 month old twins). My favorite post so far is the junior companion post. I LOVE that description of your relationship with your sweet little angel and I definitely believe it is true. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings, and testimony with all us "blog stalkers." You are truly a missionary and I believe she is right there with you. I think about you and your family everyday and I pray the Lord will grant you peace and comfort each day.
Love Tanya
jorgensonclan.blogspot.com

Scott&Mandi said...

I'm still reading your blog everyday, Stephanie, and it touches me everyday. You are such a strong, choice woman, and I thank you so much for sharing your feelings and being so real. I continue to pray for you and for family.

JB said...

Being from Georgia, I would most likely never meet you, but thanks to this blog you and your precious daughter Camille have touched my heart and changed my life.
I want you to know that I will never view my two young daughters or my role as their mother in the same way again. Because of your words, I am treasuring each day with my girls and not worrying about the little things that don't really matter. My husband has even noticed the change in me.
Thank you for your beautiful, honest, and inspiring words and please know that I will be praying for you and your family every day. May God grant you that peace that surpasses all understanding.

e said...

Today I found your blog and I hugged my babes a little tighter. Prayed a little harder. Read my scriptures with a little more purpose. And kept things in perspective.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I am changed.

Kass Martin said...

My heart breaks for you and your family. I can't express the feeling I have while reading what you have written. You write beautifully and through that we can feel the love you have for your sweet Camille as well as your other children. You are so strong. Thank you for inspiring everyone who may read your words. God bless you.

Liz's Blog said...

Hey Steph,
I've read your post a few times tonight, thinking of what to say or how to comment what I am feeling. I truly admire and respect you for being so honest and pure in your post tonight. I want you to know that we are here for you during the good moments and that bad ones. Whatever and However you need us. We love you and your family. You are in my prayers and my thoughts. I love you.
ps: I cried with you tonight during my 15 min, and yes...I did stop after 15 min. =)

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for you. Thank you for sharing with all of us. It's true this is one big session of group therapy. Because of you I've stopped to appreciate the more insignificant moments with my family. Thank you. You are helping SO many of us to better.

Jenibelle said...

I just spent over an hour reading every post since June 15. I am heartbroken for you. My two closest friends have both lost children at a young age. I have lost a child spiritually and it hurts too beyond belief. I am thankful for the gospel and the atonement, knowledge from both of which will bring our children back to us in the appointed time.

Stephanie said...

Dear Stephanie,
Thank you for being so willing to share your heart .You are a true example of courage and faith.
God Bless you.

Jen S. said...

We are all facing different challenges in our lives right now and to read words like this help to us all to endure and hold our heads high, looking upward and forward with peace that only Father can give, knowing that we can endure it, learn from it, share it, and become that son or daughter what He knows we can become- and needs us to become - to further His work.

Thank you for opening your heart to so many. You may not seem like it at times, but it is an inspiration to read these entries.

Adam and Megan's Mom said...

Your posts are so vivid and heart felt! I wish you peace. Sending hugs to you from someone you don't even know.

Anonymous said...

Stephanie,

Thank you for your honest reflection. You have a way with words and I hope that your vulnerable expression will brong you more peaceful days and sleep filled nights.

Jill said...

I too am a stranger who comes here for daily inspiration. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your testimony. You and Camille give me courage to face my trials and to find the peace on He can give.

God Bless You.

Anonymous said...

Stephanie, thank you so much for posting this. On Wednesday, I found out that I am still not pregnant. We have been trying for years and it's not happening for us. I know it's in the Lord's hands and in His time. It's hard though, when we don't know what that plan is. I really appreciated your words, because I felt a small portion of how you were feeling. I wanted to give up when I found out I wasn't pregnant. I wanted to quit right then and there, because emotionally it's too hard. Today, Friday, I am doing much better. I have a brighter hope that maybe someday we will be parents. I have also felt the peace from the Lord that you mentioned. I love the scipture you quoted. While I was reading my scriptures on Wednesday, I read about the atonement and it gave me great peace to know that our Savior suffered the pains I was feeling that day, and I know He suffered the pains you feel everyday at the loss of your sweet baby girl. I think in some ways, He still suffers with us as He watches us try and endure the pain and heartache that life brings. I pray for you and your family and hope the pain will continue to subside. You are such an inspiration to me. I love reading your blog each day, it makes me happy and grateful for all I have. Thank you!

allen6 said...

Stephanie,
I have been reading your blog for quite some time now, I found you through the Hoskins blog. I know you get many comments like this, so I was just going to read, but I wanted to relay an experience I had yesterday. I read you blog as usual yesterday, but in it you referred to your friend Brittany's blog, who lost her baby the same week you did. I read her sad story, wept for her as I do you and reveled in the strength you both have. Later that day I went to my moms and laid my one year old down for a nap, and went to leave the room. As I turned to leave I noticed the curtain cord dangling in her crib. I tear up thinking about it because as a mother of four I'll admit I don't usually look for things like that when I lay them down. Because of you and Brittany my babies life may have been saved yesterday. Heavenly Father works in wonderful ways, and yesterday he took me to your blog and in turn Brittany's and I was a more cautious mom. Thank you for that and for making me want to be a better person everyday, so that if heaven forbid I ever did have a tragedy like yours I would trust in my Heavenly Fathers plan the way you do. I truly admire you as a woman and a mother.
Thank You
Alissa Allen

Natalie said...

Stephanie, I have layed awake at night thinking of what to say in a comment to you. Something to comfort, help, or even just to let you know how much I respect you. Nothing compares to the words you write. You are so brillant w/your thoughts and portraying them on your blog. I'm a LDS mother of 3, living in Idaho. My youngest was born 4/29/07 and I try putting myself in your shoes, if I were to lose him. Words can't even express my thoughts. You have helped me tremendously w/my own children in realizing everyday, to just enjoy & not get worked up about the little things. I also serve in YW and I have brought your examples & teachings into my lessons. One was on "Eternal Perspective" which was a perfect lesson on your feelings of Camille and your perspective on life. I don't think their was a dry eye in sight. I want you to know their is a group of us here in Idaho that love to reflect on your words and we think you & Camille are doing a fabulous job as missionaries. Thank you so much for sharing your life w/us. We love you & are praying for you today & always.
Love, Natalie

Melissa, Ryan and Addy said...

As with many others who comment on your blog, we don't know each other. However, my heart aches for you and your family. I truly cannot imagine the pain you must feel on a daily basis. To get through that pain and write about it in the way you do is truly inspiring. I so much admire your strength and courage and will start reading your blog often, now that I've found it.

Jen said...

I found you blog off of a friends. Thank you for sharing your spirit with us. Your post have given me stregnth just reading your words. We had a near miss at the pool today with my son and I am so grateful to read your words and insights they are of so much comfort. Thank you for sharing, this is helpful to so many people. Your family is in our prayers.

Jenny said...

I am another one of those people who you don't know and who found your blog randomly. I hope you feel the love and prayers of all of us who don't know you.
Every time I get upset with my 3 year old, you come into my mind and I am reminded that our little ones are so precious and that life can be so fleeting. Thank you for that.
I hope you feel peace tonight.

The Butterfly Catcher said...

Dear Stephanie,
Thank you for your honest, tear-stained words! May the Lord bless you for your transparency for through it I see Him!!

Anonymous said...

I liked where you described how peace and pain shouldn't logically be able to exist in the same space...because I've often tried to "think" about how you can have peace with your situation, but that explains it to me. It's not a logical thing, it's something beyond logic and reason that you're experiencing like you said, "not as the world giveth, give I unto you" You are my daily dose of inspiration. I pray for more peace.

jill said...

mosiah 16:8

Stephanie said...

We continue to pray for peace for your family daily!