Saturday, February 21, 2009

And the Wave Passes

Thank you all for your support. Thursday was a rough day for me. Somedays as a mother are not so fun and when you have a child taken from you, those days become drastically more difficult. I spent the night confused and crying. I knew I had been fair and just in my mothering. I had done what I should do. But why then should I feel so terrible?

I guess it just just hurts more to see my children suffer, especially when they have suffered so much already and especially when I have to be the one to dole out the consequence. Add to that that how much my little Ann Marie reminds me of Camille and it is like a perfect storm of emotions brewing. 

Late Thursday night I crept into check on Ann Marie and found her awake with eyes like mine,  swollen with tears. I crawled into bed with her and through silent tears in the dark I told her how was sorry it had been such a hard day for us. I told her we would make tomorrow a better day. We would both work together to make it a great day for both of us and we would just forget about this day and the mistakes made.

After a bit I left and crawled into Camille's room and wished I could say the same words to her. I wished that the consequences of that day so many months ago were not so permanent. There is no way to make it all better tomorrow or tomorrow or tomorrow. 

I finally went downstairs and wrote my post, distracted myself with some mindless TV and finally felt sleepy enough to fall asleep. I slept little and woke up still "leaky." It is funny how I can feel better and not really be crying anymore but as if my body hadn't quite gotten it all out my eyes still leak. 

It turned out to be a wonderful day with my sweet Ann Marie. We just threw Thursday away and made Friday the best day we could. Support from you all and tulips from my dear friend Cat helped so much for me to make Friday a better day even though the source of the pain is so permanent. Thank you for that. 

I hope for a long string of better days, and I so appreciate the continuing support I feel from all of you.