Thursday, November 6, 2008

Less Heavy Still Cranky, but Smiling

Thanks to all those who have helped lift my load these last 24 hours. The comments, the tulips, the beautiful sculpture, the visits and probably mostly the prayers have really lifted my load. It really helps to have so many wonderful people holding you steady and bearing some of the weight with you.

I have felt better today. The bath did help last night. And I read a good book to inspire my mind with more uplifting thoughts. That always seems to help as well. 

There has been much discussion about the role of anger in the grieving process among some of my fellow angel mom friends. I haven't really felt angry in all of this. I honestly don't think I ever will. I don't want to. I think it is a natural and normal feeling under the circumstances but I don't think it is always a necessary part of every person's process. 

But I could be wrong. I am still new at this. Maybe I just haven't hit that yet. Really I would be shocked if I did some day get angry about this, but I have been shocked by things before. I know enough to know I don't know everything. 

Still the issue has been on my mind and it has made me reflective on whether or not I have anger that is showing up in other ways. So I have been cranky. Tonight I commented to Jonathan, "maybe my crankiness is my form of anger in the grieving process?"

My sweet husband, honest in all things, gave me what was to me a reassuring response. "No honey, that is your way of being pregnant. You are 10 times more cranky since becoming pregnant."

It is true that I find it exceedingly difficult to be cheerful when I feel like crap physically. I have amazing respect for those who deal with chronic pain and are still able to be nice. I am working on that but really, I have a LONG way to go. I am lucky my kids are patient with me and accept my apologies quickly when I get cranky with them. 
The cheerful highlight of my day was sitting down to dinner in an empty Chinese restaurant with my three little girls and the four of us have a very nice dinner together. They were so well behaved putting their napkins on their laps and drinking out of goblets. They all tried and somewhat successfully ate with chopsticks. There was lots of stabbing involved. They all tried every dish and each found one they loved. 

For Sabrina it was the broccoli stems and the general chicken.
Lauren loved the broccoli and rice. 

 Ann Marie enjoyed the beef, the chicken and the rice with sauce on it.

As for me, I enjoyed the food, but even more I enjoyed discovering that my girls like Chinese food as much as I do. I have no doubt that tonight was one of the first of many all girl outings in my little family.