Saturday, December 16, 2017

34 to 43 Looking in a Mirror

Today marks my 43rd birthday. I have always had a thing with numbers. I love symmetry and the perfectness of how ordered certain numbers can be. I find balance in them. Some numbers stick with me or stand out to me. The number 16 has always been a favorite. It is the day of my birth and a perfect square of a perfect square.

So in this birthday of 43, my mind has wandered to its mirror image year of 34. I remember distinctly my 34th year. I documented every day of it on this blog. I particularly remember thinking in a poignant moment, "34 is too young to be visiting your daughter's grave."

10 years ago, with 4 little girls we were anticipating moving into a new home in less than a month. Life with 4 little girls was not easy but I loved it. Sabrina was in first grade, Jon was working from home and my parents had recently returned from their mission. We were living in their house. I was 33.
My four little girls. 

By the time I turned 34, I was a different woman--an old woman. I felt old. That year aged me like no other could. It felt so strange to feel so old and not to have the number of my age match how I felt. Now, at 43, I feel like my number is slowly but surely catching up to how I feel. So I own my number. I welcome each year. And while I enjoy the present and am savoring each day with my kids here in my home, each year is also one year closer to seeing this face again.

Camille 10 years ago.