Friday, July 11, 2008

A Hard Days Night

I just needed a sweet picture of my baby girl at the top of my blog today. Yesterday was a hard day. We had what I hope will be our final interview with officials about Camille's death.  This time it was Child Protection Services.  I had to walk the guy through the last hour before I found Camille and the hour just after. I made it through the interview alright but reliving that experience again for him stirred the storm of sorrow within.

When the night came, the winds picked up.  I heard them howling loudly outside as they whipped mercilessly around our house. I felt their fury in my soul as I struggled to find a shelter within. In the darkness of the night with the humidity swelling the doors and sticking them to their frames, I felt the swelling of my sorrow as the tears fell lifeless on my pillow. 

Sometimes, it is best to put off the sorrow and give in the exhaustion it brings. Sleep is sometimes our greatest inner shelter. In it we can find healing. I wish I were gifted with the ability to fall asleep quickly and easily. The storms kept me up last night. Irrational fears flashed like lightening in my mind waking me just before I could fully embrace the safety of unconsciousness. 

I considered taking a sleeping pill to aid me in my quest for relief, but then, in my next attempt, the exhaustion overcame the storm within and I slept, soundly. 

The winds are lighter this morning but the damage they caused is present and there is cleaning up to do. There are memories to put back in their place. There are questions to sweep away. There are concerns to rationalize into their proper order. There is work to be done.

God's house is a house of order and I must put order back in mine.