In Full Voice

Sometimes I wish I had recorded more little tidbits of Camille and her quirks or little moments. Somehow I just lost all those with her. The trauma of her accident seemed to hard wipe my memory.

Anyway, so I am determined to record more fun little moments of my other kids and I had a great one today. We were sitting in church. The opening song began. All the kids had migrated down the pew from Jon to me. :) I smiled at him and told him they like me better, to which he nodded in agreement.

Noble was sitting between Sabrina and Ann Marie. The girls each had a hymn book open and we were all singing the opening hymn when suddenly I realized that we were ALL singing (in full voice) the opening hymn. There was Noble (who can barely say anything understandably) singing the song --- or some song that was supposed to be the song. He was singing just as loud as any other person. His own melody that sometimes hit the right pitch and mostly hit other notes but never sounded terrible. His words were just nonsense vowel sounds but they didn't seem so different so as to be distracting. He wasn't trying to be silly. He was just ... singing with us. It was awesome. :)

When the song ended he closed the book and put it away and sat right back up on the pew between his sisters. He did the same thing for the second hymn too. Now I don't want to give the impression that my family is this perfectly behaved little group all in a row all of sacrament meeting. That is not reality. Both Jon and I had to take Noble out to the hall today during one point of the meeting or another. And he still threw a Book of Mormon hero figure about 3 pews over. But at least for that little space in time, he was just awesome. I haven't ever seen a kid so young sing along with hymns so well. I can tell he just LOVES music.

Harrison is getting cuter by the day. I am eating him up.

Annie cracked me up the other day. She said she was sitting in bed trying to fall asleep and she was thinking about my cookie truffles. (insert my smile here) She said as she was just thinking about those truffles she thought they were as good as See's Candies and then BAM it hit her. (her words) We should open a candy shop and sell my truffles. Then we could all work there together and Daddy wouldn't have to have a computer store.

I can just imagine her 8 year old brain thinking about how great it would be to all own and work in a candy shop together as a family. I told her I loved the idea (which she was very serious about) and she ought to go ask her dad about that. He informed her that he makes more money selling computers than we would selling truffles and her dreams were dashed. Then just yesterday I made about 250 truffles in 6 different varieties for a baby shower I was helping with. Annie was with me at the shower and people were admiring the truffles. Annie pulled me aside and said, "See Mom, I told you people would buy your truffles because look everyone loves them so isn't it obvious that they would by them!"

Not sure I will be going in the truffle business anytime soon but I told Annie I would consider it when she was a teenager and could help me make them. I just love her brain (and the rest of her too.)

I have a post to write later this week about my Lauren and I just wrote about Sabrina so enough about the kids for this post. Just a few notes about questions from the comments:

Casey Anthony trial - someone wanted my take on that. That tragedy went down so soon after Camille died that I purposely did not watch any of the media coverage. It was just too much when I had such a heavy heart and so much grief. I couldn't watch news of a child who died and a mother accused.

I haven't followed it at all since then for the same reason. I didn't want to watch and find I believed the mother did it because that would just make me so mad that a mother would have so little value for the precious life entrusted to her. I also didn't want to watch and find I felt the mother didn't do it because then I would feel extra sorry for the mom who was grieving her daughter just like I was and also having to deal with being accused of causing her death on top of it. Whether she did it or not I didn't want to watch. So I really have no opinion on that case because I am completely ignorant of any facts more than a child died, a mother was accused and tried and from what I hear acquitted.

Harder to be LDS in heavily LDS populated place or sparsely LDS populated place - I have lived in both and would say that for me it was harder to live in a densely LDS populated place. Being LDS is part of how I define myself. It is a strong component of my personal identity. It is what makes me different. When I moved to Utah for college it was hard to find the other things about me that also make me unique outside of religious and LDS cultural norms. Maybe for some with less strong personalities it is easier to live in a highly LDS populated area because they have a harder time going against the norm. Maybe for some it is easier to go to church when everyone else is doing it too. But for me, I would go no matter where I lived. I'd even go if everyone in my ward hated me. I don't go to church for social reasons (they are just an amazing side benefit) so it doesn't matter. We have about a 10% LDS population in Vegas and I like that because you are still different but not usually totally unfamiliar.

A Familiar Face

We are going to be seeing a lot more of this face around our house. Today Sabrina and I spent some time at the eye doctor's getting her all set up with new contact lenses. Her eyes are officially worse than mine now (which means she is pretty darn blind.) So now with contacts she will be able to see when she swims with goggles or does other activities that were hard to do with her glasses. I for one am thrilled to get to see her twinkly eyes more easily. I love my Sabrina Lucile's beautiful face.

The other day I was with Sabrina alone. For some reason she had her glasses off. She looked over at me and gave me a big smile and I just looked at her and was stunned by her face. It was SO familiar. I saw so much of myself in it. Sometimes I forget what she looks like behind those glasses. But there are times like this one the other day where I am forcefully reminded of her beautiful familiarity.

Familiarity. What a word. From the same root as family. She is my family, this girl of mine. One look at her face and there is no denying it for me. I see my imprint on her. I see her father's contributions too with her blue eyes and blond curly hair. In one look I can be knocked out by how familiar she is to me.

photos taken before her dance recital on June 5, 2011

I felt this way the moment she was born. The first moment I laid eyes on her tiny, beat up newborn face, it was ... familiar. She looked like me and I loved her instantly.

So in this moment the other day when I was hit with how familiar Sabrina's face was to me I also had another thought float into my mind ... How will it be to see Camille again? After so many years of separation (sometimes she seems almost a dream to me now) will this be what it is like to look into her face then? Will she be so familiar to me that the moment I lay eyes on her I will KNOW she is MINE just by looking at her face?

I hope so. I believe so.

In the Book of Mormon there is a prophet who is preaching to the people named Alma. He asks the congregation: "And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts? ...

I say unto you, can ye look up to God at that day with a pure heart and clean hands? I say unto you, can you look up, having the image of God engraven upon your countenances?"

Thinking of this scripture and my experience with Sabrina and my musings about how it will be to see Camille again I am left to wonder ... Am I familiar to Him? Am I living my life so that He will see Himself in my countenance when he looks at me? Will He KNOW I am HIS just by looking at my face?

I hope so. 

"Where you been so long?"

I know that is what many of you have been asking? The answer is Dallas. We took a long family trip to Dallas to visit my brother Stephen and his wife Rachel and to see their oldest child, Blanche, get baptized. Stephen's family just bought a home and moved in a few days before we arrived. They were so great to host us in the middle of such a crazy time.

We had fun at the Great Wolf Lodge and the Legoland Discovery Center and the Arboretum and the Children's Museum. We ate some wonderful food (some of us ate a few BBQs too many ... Jon thinks he will not want meat for at least a month.) We had some amazing sushi with a Tex Mex twist. I know sounds crazy but spicy Mexican sauce on mango wrapped sushi was super delicious. We also had wonderful souffles at Rise.

We were treated to my sister in law's wonderful gourmet cooking including a hot chocolate birthday cake with homemade marshmallows. (Seriously not good for my diet ... I mean the "hot chocolate" frosting was like crack to me.) We had great brisket from Hard Eight and great chicken quesadillas and brisket tacos from Mi Cocina. Finally, our last night, Stephen and my parents and I had a wonderful light dinner at The Porch while Jon and Rachel got some take out Indian food and watched the kids. Both were totally good. Salted Carmel Chocolate Ganache Bread Pudding anyone??? HELLO!

Someday I think I would love to write a food blog where I just eat out and tell people about the food.  :)

We had a super time. We especially LOVED seeing Blanche get baptized and feeling the wonderful spirit in my brother and sister in law's new home. It is the first home they have owned that I can see them living in long term. I am excited for them to have such a comfortable and lovely space in which to raise their children.

I think my kids favorite part was the cousins. When Aunt Rachel asked Annie what her favorite activity was, she put it best by saying spending time with the cousins, "I mean think about it Aunt Rachel, what is Dallas without cousins?" Well put Annie. Family is always tops with us.

On the airplane home with all my little ones in tow, I just got pounded once again by the emotion of how much I LOVE my family. I love the family I grew up in and I LOVE the little family that Jon and I have created together.

In any case, I am home at last and will be back to my regular blogging again. I also will be hosting anyone who wants to come watch Dance with me tonight. Nutter Butter truffles anyone???

3 Months Baby

I have been needing to post about this little yummy, snuggly lump of love. We blessed him at home on June 5th. He is a blessing to us every day in every way. I mean seriously, he is the best baby. He just is so chill and loving. I am grateful everyday for his easy disposition and his love of snuggling.

Here he is in his blessing day outfit. He looked so cute in it.

He was a little less thrilled to be put into the 100 year old blessing dress that was made for the blessing of his namesake, McKay Christensen, Jon's grandfather. Not to fun trying to get his arms and all through the long sleeves of the delicate dress but he made it and then settled down for the blessing.

The girls all love to take care of Harrison. This is the first baby we have had that Lauren has all out loved. She loves Camille and Noble but she has had a bit of sibling rivalry with them. She says Harrison is her best friend. She adores him.

We recently took our first trip with Harrison to the cabin. We had fun with our friends the Kunz up there. Harrison and I spent the majority of our time chilling in the cabin. Annie likes to make Harrison smile.

He does have a pretty cute smile these days and he loves to talk to people and make all those cute cooing baby noises. Harrison is three months old now.  I can't believe how quickly the time is going. The further along we get the more I think this will be my last baby and I just am really savoring every moment of him.

What a sweet and savory little dessert he is.

Motherhood - Chapter 20 - A House of Order

Night time has always brought out a deeper thinking more serious side of me. I find myself there tonight. Friends have just left the "Dance" party. We had a good time and good conversation and yummy treats. Now I find myself tired but reluctant to give myself up to sleep just yet.

I am enjoying the peace here in my home in this quiet hour or stillness. Such moments are precious to mothers of young children. The sound track to our lives is often loud and chaotic with crying children, tantrums, whining, excited yells and unrestrained laughter. Stillness is a rare thing for mothers of young ones. And so is "order."

Little by little I am "putting my house in order." And order brings me peace. I have felt a disquietude in my soul  for some time as various areas of my home have collected junk and become cluttered the last 9 or 10 months. Now I finally feel I am in a place where I can tackle some of these junk areas and put them in order once more.

These jobs are our "family chores" that we have done each afternoon while Noble and Harrison nap. We pick one small but messy area and put it in order. I have loved standing back and admiring the results. I had Annie go take some photos of our work thus far:

 Here is our summer schedule all printed up on our newly cleaned of metal magnet board.

 Previously we couldn't even see the floor of this closet under the staircase. Now it is all neatly organized with a shelf for each holiday's decorations and a place for Family Home Evening materials and "mom's special things" box and family games. Each space is labeled and neatly organized. I can't tell you how much peace and joy I get knowing this space is so such order.

One of two "Pencil Drawers" that we organized. This is the kids pencil drawer with their flash cards and pencils and notebooks. The other is mine with the pens and computer papers.

 Another place that gets to quickly trashed! This is the closet right next to our door to our garage. This is where things get thrown when we get home or when we are cleaning up quickly. Now it is an organized space with all the kids and my craft stuff and a space for our church materials too. We even found we had an empty shelf after getting rid of all the junk!

 We traded rooms and closets for Sabrina and Lauren. Now Sabrina sleeps in with Noble and has her own closet. Lauren and Annie share a room. When Harrison gets older we will move Noble back in with him and Sabrina will have her own room. I was glad to clear out the closet and give her a space all to herself.

I found lots of fun things shoved in the linen closet when we cleaned it out. It looks pretty bare in this photo because all my towels were in the laundry at the time. But all the toys and treasures were removed and it left plenty of room for our linens.

Going through this process has made me reflect on the "junk" areas of my soul. How many of those do I need to "clean out" and "put in order?" One baby step at a time we can all make things a bit more ordered in our lives. One day at a time we can choose to do one of those things we have been feeling the need to do to make our lives more ordered. Maybe it is our diet or exercise or how we use our free time or how we speak to our children... whatever area of our life needs "putting in order." If we break it down into a small enough portion we can tackle it little by little until it is an area that brings us peace and joy in our souls.

What do you want to "put in order?"

Lemon and Strawberry Truffles

What have I been doing this morning??? Making some lemon and some strawberry truffles for So You Think You Can Dance tonight. Party at my house at 8:30!

Dipping in the white chocolate.

I am trying Strawberry and I experimented by putting fresh strawberries in the mix. They are rather moist and a bit harder to coat with the chocolate but much more flavorful I think.

Sabrina helped me with some. Can you tell which?

I did a revival of the Lemon for my friend Emily who is coming tonight for the first time (she hasn't been able to come because her husband has been serving our country in Afghanistan. Thank you! I'll be sending her home with extras for her hubby who got home last week. Yeah!

Notice the empty spots where some big giant man around here snuck one or two -- just doing quality control I am sure ;).

Enjoy dance tonight and if you live around here and know where I live come try a truffle!

Surviving Father's Day

Saturday night as I knelt beside my bed at around midnight, my nightly prayer sounded something like this: "Lord please, Please, PLEASE give me the strength to get through tomorrow. Please help me have the strength to physically accomplish all I need to do and to make it through the day."

Last week was our first full week out of school. We got home from the cabin on Monday and began our summer routine on Tuesday. The summer schedule had to be tweaked a few times but it has been working very well. The kids were excited to start it. We have had very little fighting and no need for me to tell the kids they have to do this chore or that activity.

However, for me the summer means me being very involved with my kids ALL day. I love that but it is physically exhausting. I also forgot to work into my schedule the "mom" things that I usually do when the kids are at school (like grocery shop and run errands and do laundry.) So with Jon working from dawn till after the kids go to bed I have been working extra hard to get all my stuff in while juggling the 5 kids.

By Friday I was pretty tired. I took all 5 kids to the library and then we ditched the family chore for that day and just read for a couple hours while Noble had his nap and I lined up a babysitter for the evening so I could go out with Jon. We then went swimming at a friends house and on my way over Jon called and said he may have to cancel our date. My dad had called and asked him to go to the cabin to put up some sandbags to prevent the flooding from washing away the driveway. This threw my for a loop. (I completely spaced the girls viola and violin lessons.)

Jon ended up leaving for the cabin with my dad around dinner time. I still went out that night just so I would have a break. But that left me alone for Saturday (my day to catch up and have help.) So Saturday morning (after being up twice with Harrison) I laid in my bed till around 7 a.m. while Annie got Noble up. I heard him moving a chair downstairs as I laid in bed. By the time I got downstairs I couldn't see a chair out of place. So I got everyone ready and we all headed to the "makeup" violin lesson.

While the girls were in their lesson, I took the three littler kids to Walmart to grocery shop. Not the most fun activity with tired boys. By the time we got home... I was spent. As we walked in the door my kids went to go feed the gold fish we were "fish sitting" for our neighbor. I heard yells and screams.

I looked over and there was the chair. Noble had fed the fish that morning... with the whole big full can of fish food. The water was now fish food slime. Amazingly the fish were still alive. I jumped into action to save the fish (I couldn't let the fish die on my watch!) As I cleaned the fish slime out of the bowl and got the fish settled the phone was ringing and the door bell was ringing. Kids were running to see who was here and neighbors were wanting to play and I was just trying to keep the little ones in the house and the fish alive. It was a scene of such mass chaos that I just have to laugh thinking back on it.

I finally gave up and let the neighbor come in the house so the door would be shut while I cleaned the stuck on fish flakes off the chair and table and floor all around where Noble spilled them. Then I fed lunch to the kids and got Noble down to bed. Next I got our groceries put away and started making dessert for our father's day dinner for my dad. By the time my dessert was done it was about time to head to my sister's for swimming and the dinner. I packed all my kids and the swim suits and their towels and goggles and pjs and underwear and hair bands and my side dish and dessert in the car and headed over. (that alone took 30 minutes.)

At my sister's we had a good time. The kids swam and we had a great dinner. The men showed up and hour and a half into the party. We headed home around 8. Back at home we got the boys to bed and I set the girls to sorting laundry and I called my friend Catherine to go walking with me. Luckily she agreed to walk with me and be my "body guard" as we walked from 9-10 p.m.

The walk was just what I needed. It put me back in good spirits and gave me the energy I needed to prepare my Relief Society lesson for the next day. I finished my lesson around 11:30 and headed up to bed.

That was when I said my prayer. I knew how tired I was and how tired I would be the next morning at 5 am when Noble woke up. I knew how hard it would be to get up and make the breakfast in bed the girls had planned for Jon. I knew how hard it would be to make the coconut truffles I wanted to make for my lesson and how much I would not want to clean my kitchen afterward. And so I prayed.

And the next morning, I did all that. I got up. I made the waffles, and coconut truffles. I cleaned up all the cooking mess in the kitchen from the past 2 days. I got me and half the kids ready for church. (Jon stayed home with Annie and Noble who were a bit sick.) I went to church and did my lesson. Then I came home and exhaled.

I thought of how I really had felt "helped" to make it through the day. And I said a prayer of thanks. Then I got my "side dishes" together and headed to my in-laws for another father's day celebration dinner. It was fun (even though I fell asleep nursing Harrison for a few minutes.) We left around 6 and got halfway through the 30 minute freeway drive home before we heard serious SCREAMING in the back seat.  Annie and Sabrina unbuckled and jumped out of their seats screaming. "What in the world???" I thought.

Lauren was throwing up ... a lot. The last 15 minutes of that drive were ... less than pleasant. The hour after we got home while I cleaned up all the puke was also ... very much less than pleasant. The whole time I just kept praying I would not puke too. And my prayers were answered. I didn't.

If you are still reading... you are a really faithful reader. Thanks. This is a really long post about a really hard week/weekend. But I wanted to record it because I felt "helped." I think it is important to record times when you feel powerful answers to prayers so you remember them. Moral of the story ... Pray. He answers.

Answer to a Couple Questions

I have a couple of questions from comments to answer and I don't really want to type them into a comment so I am putting them up here.

First, someone asked how we pronounce Saby. :) It is with a short a sound Like Savvy only with a B sound instead of the V sound or Abbey only with a S sound at the beginning. Make sense? Sabrina called herself Saby when she was really young. So it has been one of our nicknames for her. Her others are Beeta (that is what Lauren and Annie called her) and Noble now calls her "Ina" they way it sounds in Sabrina.

Second - To Angie about the miscarriage question in the comments on the last post. This is for you. There is no official doctrine about what happens with miscarriages. I have heard a wide variety of theories and beliefs. I personally believe that still born children will be kids that are raised in the millennium just as Camille will be. Early miscarriages, however, I am less sure about.

I will tell you that in my experience with knowing Sabrina was waiting to come to our home. I knew it was Sabrina that I sensed because I had a picture of her come to my mind and a feeling for her personality. I know now that it was Sabrina. The impression I had was that SHE was the spirit waiting to come to our home. Whether that first baby was her or some other spirit I don't know.  But I knew that SHE (that happy curly blond haired girl) was happy waiting to come to our home. I knew she was going to have to wait for a while too because I had timed my pregnancy to make it so I would have the baby just after I took the Bar Exam. I miscarried at around 10 weeks and the way things worked out it seemed best if I waited till after I took the Bar Exam to get pregnant again. So it would delay me becoming a mother for a good 9 months to a year. But if she was happy to wait. I would be too.

I too wonder about if that first pregnancy was perhaps a different spirit and Sabrina was shown to me to give me the hope and promise of blessings to come. I just don't know. But I just read a REALLY wonderful article in the Mormon Times that felt "right" when I read it. You should go read it HERE. I really loved that article and it made me feel really good about have been pregnant 9 times and given birth to 6 kids.

I hope that article gives you some insight. I wish I could give you more. What I do know is that Jesus Christ will restore our losses in one way or another. Whether that means we get to have that child that we miscarried but we just have to wait and it will be the next kid we have or if we get that child in the Millennium or we will be made more holy for our willingness to try... that I don't know. But I have faith that we will be satisfied by how we are "compensated" for our heartaches.

Happy

As parents, one of the things we desire is that our children be happy. We do all we can as we raise them to teach them how to live in such a way that they will find happiness in this life. We teach them not to be mean so they will have friends ... so they will be happy. We feed them and clothe them and give them their needs and many of their wants ... so they will be happy. We try to protect them from harms and accidents ... so they will stay happy.

Granted that sometimes we have to do things that make them unhappy (like give them medicine or discipline them or make them clean things etc.) But even things things that cause temporary unhappiness are attempts to increase the chances of greater long term happiness for them.

I too want happiness for my children. Last night after I wrote my post, I went up to bed. I knelt down to say my prayers and during my prayers I had a faint but distinct impression. It was of Camille's happiness. I had the impression that she was happy - deeply and fully happy.

Many, many years ago I had a miscarriage with my very first pregnancy. I had been bleeding for almost a week when I had an impression that the baby that was going to come to our family was a very happy spirit. I felt that if she were happy even though she would have to wait longer to come to Earth, why should I be sad? That miscarriage was not sad for me after that. I knew there was a very happy spirit waiting to come to our home and if she was happy to wait, I should be happy to wait for her. And I was. What a happy blessing Sabrina was to wait for.

So last night when I had that impression of Camille's happiness, I had that same question come to my mind. If she is happy waiting, why should I be sad? She is not only happy, she is out of all danger. There is no worry that she will ever be hurt - no worry that she will be ever screw up her life, no worry that she will ever be ... unhappy.

And so I decided to be happy for her happiness. And ... I am.

June 15, 2011

What would my heart print look like if I could just take it out and smash it into this screen? Words... they never seem to be able to do all I want them to do. There must be some better form of communication in the next life. I look forward to that. I imagine it. I imagine seeing my Savior again and in one instant He will know all my thoughts and feelings and I will know His love more completely than I ever have before.

I look forward to a day when the time for "explaining" your feelings will end because perhaps we can communicate feelings directly without the need for language or words and its limits. Sometimes I just wish I could let others feel what I am feeling for a few minutes so they could better understand me. Sometimes I wish I could feel how someone else is feeling so I would know exactly how to treat them or how to best help them.

I feel this way with my children often. I often wonder what it is like to be them and what I am like as a mother through their young eyes. I wonder what their life experience feels like and how similar or dissimilar it is from my own. I hope one day I will no longer have to wonder but I can know because they can directly share those feelings with me spirit to spirit.

I wonder what Camille's experiences are like now. I wonder how this separation feels to her. I wonder if she knows how I am feeling at any given time. Right now... I miss her.  I want to be with her. I want to share my heart with her. I want feel her heart's expressions in my own.

That's a lot of wishing, wants and wonderings. I know. Reality is that we don't always get what we wish for. Often we must wait for our wants. And sometimes we are supposed to be left to wonder.

3 Years

June 13 today. Three years ago I enjoyed the last morning and early afternoon I would have with all four of my little girls. I remember Camille waking up unconsolably sad. She kept crying and screaming and it seemed nothing I did would soothe her. This was atypical for her. It worried me. I wondered if she might be in pain or sick.

Finally in desperation I gave her a sugar cookie with pink frosting. It was not the best breakfast in the world, I admit, but it made her happy. I was glad to have found something that would stop her worrisome cry. The rest of the day she was her normal self.

Later that morning she snuck into the pantry and climbed the step stool. She called and called for me. I finally got a minute to stick my head in and see what she was up to. She was so proud of herself. She looked at me with her big smile and stamped her foot down on the top step where she stood. I called to Jonathan. He came over to see. I said "that is our little girl right there Jonathan." She was so delighted to have us there noticing her big accomplishment.

I made homemade macaroni and cheese for the kids. She loved it. I put her in her high chair to eat some while I went to chase Lauren down to change her stinky diaper.

Minutes later my whole world came crashing down and my life and my family changed forever.

Three years later, I am so grateful that it is three years later. I am so grateful that I am not hurting as badly as I was three years ago. Does it still hurt? Yes. yes. But it is not the searing debilitating pain that it was three years ago.

I am so grateful for the joyful ways my life has changed in the past three years. I am grateful for my two sons who have been added to my family. I am grateful for the wonderful ways my girls have grown and developed as people. I am so very grateful for the deeper, richer, and even more purposeful relationship I have with my husband. There is not doubt to either of us that we are stronger as a couple now because of this trial.

I am grateful for the acute appreciation losing Camille has given me for each of my children. I truly do appreciate them every minute. Even when Noble is tired and on a path of destruction through the house or the older girls are being disobedient or fighting or sick or otherwise being naughty. Even when I am up at night with Harrison so many times I have lost count or I am being thrown up on, yelled at, hit, or pooped on. Even in those less than lovely moments of motherhood, I appreciate and value and thank God for my children and that I am privileged to be their mother.

I have been riding waves of emotion this weekend. My heart is feeling the high tide of the season. I haven't yet had a big cry but I have felt one building. It is like those days when you can feel the storm in the air but no rain has fallen yet. I will let it come when it does. It will come and it will go and I will move forward into yet another year in my life as an angel's mother.

Motherhood - Chapter 19 - Lighting the Way

I have had some things on my mind lately about testimony. By testimony I mean the conviction one has to his or her spiritual beliefs that is given to them from a heavenly source. You see I have a very strong and firmly planted testimony of God and his Son Jesus Christ, of the reality of their existence and their love for us. My testimony of the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ is rock solid. I simply have had personal experience with both the cleansing and the healing power of the Atonement that have made my belief unshakable.

I also have an equally firm and deep testimony of the reality of the First Vision when Joseph Smith prayed to know which church to join and was answered with a personal visitation by God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ. I have felt a powerful witness from the Spirit of the Lord that this did in reality take place as Joseph said it did on more than one occasion. I have also felt that same witness that the Book of Mormon is a true book of scripture and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is Christ's restored church on the Earth today.

But my thoughts on testimony lately have been about how frustrating it is not to be able to GIVE a testimony to someone. All you can do is bare your testimony or share what you believe and why. But sharing your beliefs does not mean that those with whom you share will believe as you do. Testimonies don't come that way. They only really come when people feel God telling them what is true. And for that to come they have to be seeking and open to feeling.

Still God can let people feel that what someone is saying is true when they are hearing it or reading it. I know that. And more than anything, I want so much for my children to know for themselves the truths I know. So tonight before bedtime we held our own little "testimony" meeting.

I began by telling the girls (we had already put a rambunctious Noble to bed) about the parable of the 10 virgins and how in reading it I always felt like the 5 with oil should have shared. Then I explained that in that parable the oil represents something that the 5 virgins COULDN'T give to the others. One thing it can represent is a testimony. After explaining what a testimony is I explained that it is like the oil in the lamp because it really does "light your way" through the world.

I told them that I had lots of that kind of oil in my lamp because I was REALLY old :) and had been gathering it over many years. They on the other hand were young and may not have as much oil of their own yet. I emphasized how important it is to gather your own oil and told them that while they are gathering their own "testimony" oil that they should walk in the light of mine.

Then I told them what I knew to be true and how that knowledge came to me. I shared highly personal spiritual experiences with them and the room was thick with the Spirit. After I was done, I invited each of them to share what they believed and asked them why they believed those things. I wanted to know if they were just parroting what I had said or if they had some basis for believing the things they said other that just believing me.

The younger girls went first and mostly it was simply a time for them to share a time they got an answer to a prayer. Then Sabrina got up. She almost could not speak. She was feeling the Spirit speaking to her right then and she shared a very short but powerful witness of what it was telling her. Jonathan concluded our little meeting with his own witness of the things he knew to be true.

It was one of the most choice experiences I have had with my girls. For hours afterward, Lauren kept talking about how much she loved sharing our testimonies together because it felt so good inside. In her own 5 year old way she too was feeling the Spirit whispering to her soul the peace and happiness of Truth being taught to her soul and the familiar ring it had. She spoke many truths in these hours after our meeting, some profound and others quite funny (like that she wanted to keep sharing testimonies forever because ... "well because I like to talk.") Annie too showed in her own way that she felt the change in the spiritual atmosphere. She may not have been as "verbal" as Lauren or as teary as Sabrina but her demeanor changed and love was just oozing out of her.

In our modern times with so many distractions around us all the time, it is easy to forget how important it is to share our knowledge and beliefs on the things most important in life with our children. Whatever YOUR beliefs are, whatever knowledge you have gained that has been most beneficial to your life, share it with your children. Find a time. Make a time. And light the way for them as much as you can but sharing what you believe and know to be true. You may find the experience to be one of the highlights of your parenting.

Fun things to do...

When I was in high school a friend of mine and I made a list of all the fun things to do in Las Vegas so that when we were bored we could go down the list and pick something to do that day. I am taking the same idea and molding it to my family now. I have made a list of fun activities for my kids and I to do together this summer. Some of activities require me to be a part of them. Others they can do on their own. I am hoping have the list printed out by their daily schedule will save me from hearing "I'm bored" too many times this summer. Here is my list so far, please give me more ideas in the comments if you have them.

Activities:

Make Lemonade

Go to Library – pick a book from the library website

Movie Night

Go on a walk

Go on a bike ride

Water balloon fight

Water snake in backyard

Hike in the mountains

Splash parks

Leid discovery museum

Go to Michaels and pick a craft to do

Make barettes with flowers

Roller skating

City pool

Make homemade ice cream

Wash the car

Make playdoh

Plant flowers

Paint

Side walk chalk

Write letters to pen pals

Make forts

Put together a puzzle

Play a board game

Fashion show

Get slurpees

Write a story book

Sew a craft

Go swimming

Water gun fight

Free movies

Wii active game

Make popsicles or pudding pops

Summer is Coming

I have been making my summer plans today. I have a few pieces of the puzzle to figure out before I finish our daily schedules but I think we are looking at a pretty fun Summer if it all works out.

The weather here has been so incredibly nice - a full 20 degrees below where it was this time last year. We have been enjoying every minute of it.

Dance party is at my house tomorrow night at 8:30 come if you can. I will be making mint Oreo truffles. Yum.

I am looking forward to a loosely structured summer with flexibility to sleep in or take a nap as needed. But we will still be reading and learning and moving. I will give you a peek at our rough draft of a daily schedule. I will have a schedule for each day of the week printed up and somethings will be moved to make room for piano lessons, swimming lessons, viola and violin lessons, art classes, weekly trips to the library and maybe a zumba class I might try to persuade Sabrina and Annie to take with me. ;)

But here is what I have so far:

Morning Chores: MUST BE DONE BY 10 A.M. if finished before you get free time.

Upstairs: Morning Prayers – Potty – Shower – Get Dressed – Brush Hair

Clean Room – Make Bed

Downstairs:

Eat Breakfast - Brush Teeth

Read Scriptures as a Family – Family Prayer

Clean up Breakfast mess

Unload Dishwasher

10:00 am Sabrina Practice Piano – Annie Typing – Lauren Practice Dance

10:30 am Sabrina Practice Typing – Annie Practice Piano – Lauren Computer

11:00 am Sabrina Practice Viola – Free time Annie and Lauren

11:30 am Annie Practice Violin – Free time Sabrina and Lauren

12:00 pm Lunch

12:30 pm Noble Nap – Family Chore

2:30 pm Reading Hour

3:30 pm Exercise (Wii – Swim - pilates - treadmill)

4:00 pm Cooking Class (make dinner)

5:00 pm Eat Dinner

5:30 pm Math Facts Quiz Annie and Sabrina / Sight word quiz Lauren

6:00 pm Free time

7:30 pm Clean up downstairs kitchen and family room

8:00 pm Ready for bed

8:30 pm Lights out

I also have started a list of fun things to do in our "free time." I will post it in one of my upcoming posts. What do you have planned for summer? 

Oreo Truffles Move Over

Last week I made Oreo truffles for my SYTYCD Party. This week I made Lemon Ones. Ummm Yummm. I got some really nice lemon creme sandwich cookies. They were made with real lemons. I mixed 2 packages of these cookies crumbled in a food processor with 12 ozs. of cream cheese softened. I balled them and coated them in white chocolate with little sprinkles on top.

They are simply delicious. I totally recommend trying them. Next week I am trying mint Oreos.

Tonight the kids were all playing the street with the neighbor kids. We adults were out there chatting. The kids had water guns out and one of the dads was joining in the water fight. There were so many smiles, screams, giggles and a few tears from those who decided getting wet wasn't so fun. It was one of those nights when the air is the perfect temperature and all the world seems right. It was one of those nights that make up childhood memories.

Tonight I am grateful for lemon truffles, water guns, great neighbors, and unusually temperate weather here in Las Vegas. Can it really be June already? Happy days everyone.

Motherhood - Chapter 18 - 10 Years

Today begins the second decade in my eternity of motherhood. Yesterday we celebrated my daughter Sabrina's 10th birthday. She was born late at night after a very long and hard day of labor. I was so exhausted by the time she finally took her first breaths. I had no energy to think about how my life had just changed forever. But it had.

I knew my heart had changed in new and wonderful ways as they placed her in my arms. A new and overwhelming loved for this tiny little screaming creature filled me. It came unexpectedly to me. It shocked me how powerful I could love someone I had just laid eyes on for the very first time. But then that is motherhood, and I was just beginning to know its wonders.

I had anticipated that I would still work part time after having my baby. I was a criminal defense attorney and could do much of my work from home. About three months after Sabrina's birth I my boss asked me to go make an appearance in court for him. It was an easy job. All I had to do was go do an arraignment. Basically stand up for the accused client and say he was pleading "not guilty."

I got dressed and got a baby sitter for Sabrina and headed to the courthouse. I met the client and sat next to this accused armed robber waiting for our case to be called so I could say my line and go. Criminal courts are unfortunately always busy in California where we lived then. After a couple of hours I was missing my little baby so badly I just wanted to leave. I wondered if I had missed anything new she was doing. I wanted to see every smile she produced and every funny face.

I thought to myself at one point, "who do I really want to be with, my baby or this accused armed robber?" The answer was clear. It was not my client.

After three hours, our case was finally called and my 10 minute job was done. I called my boss and told him that would be my last job away from home. I luckily didn't have to work for financial reasons, and I didn't want to miss a minute of my growing daughter's childhood.

Ten years and five more children later I am amazed at how quickly time has flown. My baby is now growing into young womanhood. Her sisters are following her lead. And I am savoring every moment of my baby boys' baby and toddler stages. These years we have them in our home are really so short in the grand scheme of life.

In the next decade I will face so many new challenges of motherhood. Ten years from now two of my daughters will out of the nest and off to college. What a short time I have to train them up in all the ways I need to before they are gone.

I was forever changed as a human being 10 years ago. I became a mother. The center of my personal universe permanently shifted. For I was given the greatest, hardest, most rewarding, and sometimes most heartbreaking job known to mankind. I am responsible to teach and train and love and chasten the children of God sent to my home as they have been taught and trained and loved and chastened before the came to my care. It is up to me to let them know who they are, where they came from, why they are here, and how to fulfill their own destiny. Ten years ago I became what I will forever now be -- a mother.

Leaving Home

Today I went to my "home ward." I went to church in the congregation of my childhood to see my parents deliver their last talks as members of that ward family. I knew it would be emotional to hear my parents speak for that final time there. But I was not prepared for the onslaught of emotions that hit me.

Our family filed in just as the meeting was beginning. We sat three rows from the front with few people between us and the pulpit. On our way to our seats we passed by so many people I know and love from both my childhood days and the years we lived in my parents house while they were on their mission in Africa. This was the ward we lived in for my entire pregnancy with Camille, the miscarriage I had before I got pregnant with her, her birth and the first 8 months of her life.

The person conducting the meeting sat down after welcoming everyone and the chords of the opening song "Oh how lovely was the morning..." a song about Joseph Smith's first vision, began. I have such a firm faith in the reality of that event. The witness I received from the Spirit about the truthfulness of Joseph's claim came while I was a teenager attending church in that building with many of those in the congregation.

Suddenly I was filled with the sweet and tender feelings of the Spirit, feelings of love and warmth. Flashes of memories of significant events of my life that had taken place in the room I sat swam through my mind. Early childhood memories of eating Cheerios under the pews, teenage years of seeking and finding my own testimony, talks given as I returned home from college breaks, returning "home" to bless my first baby in the ward I felt was all a part of my family.

And then came the more recent memories of my time living in the ward as an adult. Becoming a member of that ward in a new way, serving the people in the ward and getting to know the new members who had moved in since the days of my childhood. I remembered the experiences I shared with them. How they cared for me during my pregnancy and the birthing of Camille while my parents were away. How they helped me with her on Sundays and loved her along with me. How we blessed her there in that chapel too.

And then I remembered those pews being filled ... filled with people ... people who loved her and more people who loved me and Jon and had never even met Camille as we gathered there in that room for her funeral. I remembered the emotions I felt that day walking into that room and seeing all those faces. It felt like I was attending my own funeral. So many loved ones from all the stages of my life were there to support me in my darkest hours.

And here I was three weeks shy of three years later, and all those same faces were running through my head and the love and support they were then and at other times in my life hit me in full force.

When Jonathan and I moved from that ward and into our current house 3.5 years ago, it was pretty easy for me to say goodbye. My parents were there. I didn't foresee them moving anytime soon. I would still see those people. I would still be at church occasionally when my parents spoke or gave a lesson or something. I would be back.

But this time, with my parents saying their goodbyes, I almost wished I could have gotten up to speak too. To say thank you to all those wonderful people who helped raise me and taught me and loved me and supported me. It was so much harder leaving today than when my own little family moved. And I felt it. Tears that started with the opening song continued till they passed my cheeks and moved down my chest. The tears increased as my parents spoke. My mother's expressions of gratitude to the women of the ward for whom she had fasted and prayed through their trials and who had fasted and prayed for our family in ours. Her powerful testimony of the reality of our Father in Heaven and the power of the Atonement brought further, fresher tears. Then my dad got up and struggled to keep his emotions at bay through the entirety of his 30 minute talk on the value of work (and lots of memories through the years of those with whom he had learned the value of work.) I struggled right along with him. The tears just kept flowing. They did not stop till the closing song had been sung.

My dear friends of the Hacienda ward, how I love you and miss you ... most keenly on this day of parting.

Fun Party

Can I just say that SYTYCD was awesome and my favorite part was the "Prince of Prose" segment on Lil C. I love Lil C. For this year's finale I totally want to have my party goers play "judge" and have each of us pick a judge to impersonate and us give comments after each of the final numbers. I call being Lil C. I am taking notes so I can use some of his own phraseology. I hope I can be both present and absent when I try to represent him and that none of the energy of my impersonation spills out of the cup of my body.

Both my SYTYCD and my Norwex party were such fun and I really enjoyed having everyone here. The treats I made were easy to make and I enjoyed eating them. Hope everyone else did too. We will do SYTYCD every Wednesday from now to the finale at 8:30 at my house. For the next few weeks I will be experimenting with truffles. I made regular Oreo truffles this last week. This next week I will try mint Oreos and then in the coming weeks we will do Nutter Butter truffles.

Come if you can! It will be fun!

Many Emotions

I have so many different thoughts and feelings running around inside of me right now. It is difficult to choose one to post about. So perhaps I will write a little bit about all of them.

Feeling - EXCITEMENT: Reason - See previous post ;). Tomorrow night SYTYCD!!! PARTY my house 8:30 p.m. Treats: Oreo Truffles and Bacon wrapped Dates!!!
Other reasons: Summer is coming. I am actually excited to be able to set my own schedule for our family and hopefully fill our time with some fun, relaxation, and a bit of learning too. I am going to have the oldest two girls learn to type this summer. We have vacations planned to the cabin and Dallas and Utah. I am excited to start a summer reading program with my girls. Lauren's reading abilities are just blossoming and she is really going to take off this summer I just know it!

I am also having a Norwex party this weekend that I am pretty excited about. I am making Oreo Truffles that my friend Emily made for her sister's baby shower. See all about them on her cute blog HERE. (I am seriously loving following her blog. She has so many talents I don't have and I am feeling inspired by her recipes and crafty tips.) These Oreo truffles were SO DANG GOOD. Even Jon loved them and he doesn't like Chocolate things. I am excited to make and eat some truffles and I am also excited to share with my friends about how amazing the Norwex cleaning cloths are. They have pretty much revolutionized my cleaning. I can't believe I can wipe my stainless steel appliances or a window or mirror down with a damp (with just water) rag and have it look totally streak free and cleaner than if I used Windex. Amazing. And the fact that they can clean up after raw chicken and kill all the germs from that... well like I said ... Amazing! If you know where I live, come to my party Friday night at 8 and find out more. Or just stop by whenever before then I and I will show you how cool they are.

Feeling: Nostalgia -- Reason: My parents have completed their move from one house to the next. It has been a week. It is starting to sink in that I can't go "home" anymore. The home I have with my own little family is still home. But my childhood home still always felt like "Home" too. Now it will be going to my "parent's house" instead of going "home" to see my parents. Does that make sense? It is a good change in so many ways but I am still feeling the reality of it set in and that makes me feel nostalgic.

Feeling: Sadness -- Reason: Missing Camille. I have been missing my Camille not for the 14 month old little girl she was but for the 4 year old she isn't. I am feeling the loss of the nows that are not. I wonder about how her personality would feel and how her presence would change our family dynamics. I wonder lots of things.

Today I was thinking about her on my drive home from a quick trip to the post office. I felt this warmth all across my chest as if I were holding one of my babies tight to me in an embrace. I wondered if she were close. A song came on the radio about what it would be like if heaven were not so far away and we could go there for a visit. The singer sang about introducing his kids to his grandpa. I am thinking how I would like to introduce my kids to their sister. How we could all get to know her just a little better if we could just visit for an hour. As I approach our neighborhood I see paramedics and a fire truck with lights flashing leaving our small community. I am taken back almost 3 years and wonder whose life is feeling upside down today? I find out from a neighbor they came for a very nice older couple down the street. The husband has been battling cancer. I send a prayer to heaven for them and wonder what I can do to help. How my kind neighbors must have felt that fateful day 3 years ago when they saw all the flashing lights outside our house... Whew. Heavy thoughts. A general well off sadness is showing off its depths in my soul today.

Feeling: Joy -- Reason: My family. Lauren lost her first tooth yesterday. She is so excited and it brings me so much joy to see her growing and reaching these fun milestones. Noble brings a smile to my face with every cute thing he does (naughty or nice.) Often when he does a naughty thing (like dump a drink or food on the floor on purpose) he will look at the mess and say with pride "I Do That!" Too cute that kid. Harrison is sleeping like a champ and just being the cutest, cuddliest, calmest baby. I get joy just looking at his peaceful, beautiful face.

Annie is learning and growing and amazing me daily with her beautiful mind. She is such a mini me sometimes. The other day I was teaching Sabrina and her that they ought not to argue with an adult when the adult tells them they can't do something. She tells me "Mom, to me it isn't arguing it is just discussing. I am just discussing why I think it is okay for me to do it." That is so me. I have to explain why it is not polite to "discuss" why you think you should be able to do something that an adult has told you it is not okay to do in their house or car etc.

I think I had a similar conversation in college with a roommate who was concerned that one of my roommates and I were always arguing. I was Annie in that conversation explaining to my roommate that the other girl and I were discussing and debating and that we enjoyed that type of conversation and had no bad feelings about it. (Shout out to Ann Melinda! My old debating friend. Still love you more than my luggage!) I find so much joy in this little girls spunk and spirit!

And then there is Sabrina, a girl becoming a young woman right before my eyes. I find so much joy in watching her blossom and grow to be more mature and helpful. She is becoming more responsible and is so good to help out with the little kids when I need my hands for something else (like cooking for my dinner group.) I enjoy spending time with her. She recommended a book for me to read the other day and I read it. It was so fun to be able to enjoy a book my daughter recommended to me. She turns 10 this weekend. Time is going so fast. I am so happy she is close to me. I hope that will never change.

Well I think that clears out the majority of the emotions swirling around inside. Nice to have it out on record.

One more week!

I have been counting down. I felt it too embarrassing to post this any sooner than one week out. But a week from tonight is a night I have been looking forward to for MONTHS. Don't hate me or laugh at me for loving something so silly so much! I just love watching amazing dance. You know what I am talking about right?

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE returns next Thursday night!!!

Usually I wait to throw Dance Parties till they get to the voting shows. But this year I am too excited for the 2 hour premiere! So if you know me well enough to know where I live you are invited. Come on over and we will watch some awesome dance auditions. I will be making things to eat. Any requests? Savory or sweet? Both?

Note the date and time: May 26th at 8:30 p.m.
Let me know if you are coming!

Relatable Honesty

Yesterday I watched the second part of James Frey on Oprah. He was the guy who wrote "A Million Little Pieces" and marketed it as a memoir and he actually embellished and fabricated many parts of the book. It was a big controversy about 5 years ago because Oprah picked his book as a book club book and defended him on Larry King etc...

Anyway most of the interview was on what that time of his life was like taking the heat and whether Oprah was too hard on him when he came back to answer what was true or not on her show.

I have said before on this blog how much I dislike lies and how I have a hard time with people who always embellish or just lie about things. So I have never really been a big fan of Mr. Frey and I have never read his Million Little Pieces book.

But during the interview Oprah brought up the fact that in 2007 James and his wife lost a child. I could feel his heart tightening as he spoke briefly about his son Leo who was born with SMA which is incurable and fatal. One of my angel mom friends had a little girl named Mia who also had this. Mr. Frey and his wife had no clue their son was not healthy until after he was born.

As he spoke about his son I could see and feel the emotions he was feeling. It is not an easy thing to talk publicly about your child who has passed away. Oprah asked him if his son's death put things into perspective for him. He said it did. He said that as bad and hard as the public scrutiny over the Million Little Pieces scandal was it wasn't even in the top 200 of the bad days of him life. Then gave examples of what really "bad days" are like the day your child dies, or the day you plan his funeral. And he said the hundreds of days after that ... those are rough days.

After that Oprah asked something where she referred to the time after he recovered from that loss. He didn't answer her question. Instead he said, "I don't think you ever recover from something like that." I am not sure that is a direct quote but he went on to say that he has recovered from lots of things in his life but the death of a child isn't something you "recover" from.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to someone about this blog and how I wrote my feelings out. She offered that they were my "edited feelings" and it made me think about how much my feelings are edited here. I told her I do not think my feelings are very edited on here. I mean they are expressed in a way I like to see them. And of course I don't write every emotion every time because I just don't have the time to do that. But I believe this blog holds a true sampling of the feelings I have felt over the last three years.

And listening to Mr. Frey I thought it would be good to record my thoughts about his statement about never recovering. Because I think some people may think that I have "recovered" or that I feel "recovered." I cheered when Mr. Frey corrected Oprah on that point. Because I agree. But as often is the case, it all comes down to how you define "recover."

The way I define it and I think Mr. Frey meant it is that you never "get over" the loss of child. There is never a time when that loss stops hurting or that spot in your heart isn't tender to the touch. It is just like the article I posted a link to when my grief was fresh said. The piano of grief that has landed on the stage of your life never leaves the stage. It just becomes incorporated into the play or pushed to the background.

But I do feel whole again - forever altered, but whole. I do not have physical pain about my loss everyday anymore and I do not even feel sad about it everyday in that same searing way. But I do still think about Camille everyday. I do still miss her everyday. And I do still have times when I feel the waves of grief and the shock and loss feel fresher in my mind and heart. In those times, it is hard to breathe. I have to round up my mind back to the place where I can be back in the present and remind myself that I am okay.

These waves don't last hours, usually I can ride them out in a few minutes these days. And they don't come every day or every week. But they have been coming a bit more frequently as summer comes around. Tis the season.

So, at least for me, that is my truth. I am glad Mr. Frey made the correction so others can see better understand what this grief is like. It is good that others know that losing a child is not something to "get over" or "recover" from. It is something you learn to deal and live with. You learn how to keep the show of your life progressing on the stage despite the presence of the piano. And in the best cases you learn and grow because of it. In the best cases you learn to play new and beautiful music.

Home

"I want a corner piece!" cries Sabrina.

"I want a middle piece!" chimes in Ann Marie.

"I want an edge piece!" adds Lauren.

I sit on the couch smiling as I watch my girls jumping up and down in excitement as Dado takes the Dutch Baby I have made for dinner out of the oven. They yell out in excitement over and over which piece they want. It is a simple moment of joy - a single, solitary memory being made in a kitchen that already holds thousands.

In that instant I realize this simple memory is being etched into the walls of the house we live in making it just a a little more our "home." And I think about yesterday, kneeling in prayer with my family, my parents, and my sister's family in my childhood home for the last time.

How many moments just like this one are etched into the walls of that home? Do the walls remember the hands of my father who helped to raise them up? Do the boards beneath the floor remember my older brother playing on them with his hammer and little homemade car as the house was being born? Do the ceilings remember the countless number of times I sat upside down on the couch pretending to walk on them?

Countless memories of magical moments have been made in that beautiful old home. She has served our family for over 33 years as a place of shelter, a harbor in the storm of life. She has stood as a witness to our lives. She has seen our happy simple moments and felt the tears of our most bitter sorrows. She has felt our anger when walls were punched or doors were slammed. She has joined us in laughter as tricks were played, surprises were made and plans were hatched. She has hidden me in her cupboards. I have danced in her spacious living room, and roller skated in her basement.

This old home has been holy ground on so many occasions. Many of my most spiritual experiences took place within her walls. Angels have walked her halls and aided those who have been suffering within. Innumerable prayers have been sent up from within to call down the power of heaven. This old house had long ago earned the title of "home."

Driving away from that final experience in my childhood home, I feel the millions of memories etched in those hallowed walls imprinting themselves even more deeply into my soul. I can almost hear echos of my own childhood as I watch my children now and those memories of that home flood through me. We will make our own families memories here in this house. It will be to my children what that house had been for me. And I will carry all of these memories from all my houses in my heart no matter where I call "home."

Who's Who?

Can you tell which of these two is Harrison? I think I know who he looks like. Same mouth. Same nose. Same dark hair. I have been holding him every possible moment and hating having to get up to do anything on my do list. I just want to hold him and enjoy his snuggly self every minute.

Last night Harrison fell asleep on my chest while I was burping him. I sat and rocked him sound asleep for about two hours. I knew I would be tired today for it. I knew I should just put him down and go to bed. But how much longer do I have before he won't sit still anymore? How many more times will I be able to just sit in the dark quiet hours of my house with no distractions and everyone else asleep and just listen to his gentle breathing? Not enough. So last night I just savored the snuggles and sacrificed the sleep. I'll catch up on the missed sleep someday.

He reminds me how precious every moment is just by looking at him. I see so much of her in him. The top photo is Camille. The second is Harrison. Time is a precious thing when you have such precious people to spend it with.

Family Newsletters-- HELP!

I have been asked to teach a class this weekend on keeping in touch with your family through newsletters or blogging. I have never done a family newsletter and neither of our families does one. I am wondering if any of you faithful readers are in a family that does the family newsletter thing.

If so can you PLEASE email me and maybe send me a copy of one of your newsletters? I would LOVE to have several examples to show the class how different people do this.

stephaniewaite (at) gmail (dot) com

Thank you in advance. I have faith that someone out there will email me about this ... right?

Motherhood - Chapter 17 - Mother's Day

When I was selected as Nevada's Young Mother of the Year I was given a packet that included instructions for creating a portfolio. This portfolio was sent to the National American Mothers board for review to help them select a National Young Mother. They had about 10 specific questions they wanted me to answer in no more than one page. One of those questions and my answer I felt was appropriate to share to day on Mother's Day because my answer is all about my own mother.

I love you Mom and I am so grateful for you tireless example and continuing mothering of me even to this day. Thank you for all you have been and continue to be for me! This is for you!

What has influenced your understanding of what a mother and wife should be? How has this affected your life as a mother and wife?

Few things have influenced my understanding of what a mother and wife should be more than the example of my own mother. I find the stellar example of my mother affecting my own life nearly daily as I balance discipline with love, work to maintain my marital relationship, and try to set a tone of peace and love in our home.

My mother had a great balance of discipline and love. She raised five obedient, highly successful children. Much of the credit to our success comes down to my mother’s untiring training in obedience. She made sure that each command she gave us as young children was obeyed. If we did not do as she asked she would get up and come help us obey in a loving way. This established a pattern of obedience in us that has continued throughout our lives. I find myself struggling to do this as well as she did everyday. It is a challenge to get up and help my 5 year old obey when I am seven months pregnant and I have a one year old crying on my lap. Yet her example pushes me to strive beyond my natural resistance and get up and do it.

My mother has also maintained a great relationship with my father in their now 43 years of marriage. She recognized how important it was to keep her marriage strong. She and my father have a very open line of communication and never go to bed angry. She and my father took trips together about once a year without us children so they could reconnect on an adult level. My husband and I have incorporated these things in our own marriage.

Most importantly, my mother set a tone of order, peace and love in our home that allowed her to feel and use guidance from heaven in her duties as wife and mother. I too pray to have this same Spirit in our home daily and work to create an atmosphere of order, safety, and peace in which my family can thrive and live the lives God would have them live. 

I need to take more photos ...

I have been LOVING the "mother of the year" stories in the comments to my last post! Please keep them coming.

I recently got a new laptop (one of the perks of having a hubby that owns a laptop store) and it has a bigger screen than I am used to. I have my photos randomly doing a slideshow as the background. Occasionally I like to close all my windows and just watch the photo slideshow. In doing so I have seen some photos that just take my breath away.

Like this one the other day:

This is Lauren and her cousin Charlotte just a few weeks after Camille's passing. Elizabeth, Charlotte's mom, and my beloved sister in law took the photo while they were playing dolls together. Now it is not infrequent that Elizabeth's photo skills take my breath away but this is just a quick snapshot, not one of her masterpieces. What took my breath away was how young and beautiful these little girls looked. This seems like it was just yesterday.

I need to take more pictures. That is the conclusion I came to upon seeing this. It recorded a beautiful precious moment in time. Granted it was a heavy period of my life but this image doesn't hold the heaviness. It only shows the beauty to me. Sometimes when we are living our life we are too close to really appreciate the simple beauty of it. I need to take more photos so that in days to come I can look back and savor the beauty that is today.

"Mother of the Year"

The Wednesday before I left to Salt Lake for the AMI conference to represent Nevada as the the Young Mother of the Year I had to take Annie and Lauren to a dress rehearsal for dance. I pulled up to the theatre and opened the door to let them out. As they jumped out of the car I saw they had to get into a very long line to "check in" to the rehearsal. And in this long line were lots of kids all accompanied by their moms.

I had Noble and Harrison in the car and a list of things to do at home before my trip. So I pulled out of the parking lot and headed home feeling very much like the "mother of the year" who just ditched her kids at the curb. When I went to pick them up I learned I was supposed to get out and check them in and get a ticket to pick them up. I didn't have a ticket to pick them up but luckily they still let me have my kids. :0)

We all have these moments when we feel we just drop the ball and totally fall short as a mom. These are the tongue in cheek "mother of the year" moments. But they have felt a little different lately since I actually hold that title. Sometimes when I have these moments in public I almost feel like saying, "yes, I know, mother of the year here!" Then I would wait for the laugh and say, "no really I am!" I wonder if anyone would believe me.

Many of us Young Mothers at the conference shared some of these moments when we have felt unworthy of being named the actual mother of the year. Most of them were pretty funny. Anybody else care to share one of those "mother of the year moments?" They are good for a laugh in hindsight sometimes. Feel free to post your "mother of the year moment" anonymously. :)

Motherhood - Chapter 16 - Applause

Friday night in Salt Lake City my father escorted me into a ballroom filled with people in fancy clothes. As we walked the center aisle to the front, I was introduced to the crowd. I sat at a table in the front facing the audience and beside the Young Mother of the Year from North Dakota on one side and from Kentucky on the other side.

After all the Young Mothers had entered and taken their place at the front, the speaker noted that we were the young mothers who represented all those young mothers in our states and around the country (and world for that matter) who were doing thankless jobs every day like changing diapers and cleaning up messes. But as she noted our role as young mothers if so much greater than just these daily tasks. She then asked this audience to rise and give a standing ovation to us as representing all the young mothers everywhere for all they do day in and day out without fanfare.

I sat there, wanting to stand myself and join in the applause, but staying still instead and soaking in the love and appreciation of that crowd on behalf of every young mother. I thought of all the times each of us has been up in the night with sick kids or been sick ourselves and still had to take care of the kids. I thought of all the times we have to disciple kids for their own good and how much we hate doing it. I thought of all the times our kids get mad at us for making them clean or take a bath or come home from a friends house.

So much of young motherhood is important but thankless work. And here was an audience of people saying thank you to all of us with their applause. And so I sat still and soaked it in for all of us and hoped I would be able to share a bit of that feeling with all of you. I wish every mother had the opportunity to get this standing ovation. I hope each mother who reads this will take just a minute or two to sit still and feel of the love and appreciation that was given to you during that standing ovation on Friday night. Turn on the beginning of the Oprah show and close your eyes and pretend it is for you. :)

I was so moved sitting there representing all Nevada young mothers that night. It was one of the most moving parts of the whole weekend. I really wished everyone could feel that love and appreciation, especially in those difficult times of motherhood. And then the thought came to me that every young mother does get a standing ovation every time she loves her children, or teaches them a correct principle, or corrects a bad behavior, or serves her unappreciative child in any good way.

I have no doubt that there is an audience of angels standing and applauding our valiant efforts to raise good and moral children everyday. I hope the next time any of us find ourselves feeling unappreciated or undervalued in our roles of mother, we will stop for a moment and turn our minds and hearts to the greater picture. I hope in that almost prayerful moment we will be able to feel the warmth of that heavenly applause and know we are doing the most important job on Earth. We are caring for and raising children of God.