Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Many Emotions

I have so many different thoughts and feelings running around inside of me right now. It is difficult to choose one to post about. So perhaps I will write a little bit about all of them.

Feeling - EXCITEMENT: Reason - See previous post ;). Tomorrow night SYTYCD!!! PARTY my house 8:30 p.m. Treats: Oreo Truffles and Bacon wrapped Dates!!!
Other reasons: Summer is coming. I am actually excited to be able to set my own schedule for our family and hopefully fill our time with some fun, relaxation, and a bit of learning too. I am going to have the oldest two girls learn to type this summer. We have vacations planned to the cabin and Dallas and Utah. I am excited to start a summer reading program with my girls. Lauren's reading abilities are just blossoming and she is really going to take off this summer I just know it!

I am also having a Norwex party this weekend that I am pretty excited about. I am making Oreo Truffles that my friend Emily made for her sister's baby shower. See all about them on her cute blog HERE. (I am seriously loving following her blog. She has so many talents I don't have and I am feeling inspired by her recipes and crafty tips.) These Oreo truffles were SO DANG GOOD. Even Jon loved them and he doesn't like Chocolate things. I am excited to make and eat some truffles and I am also excited to share with my friends about how amazing the Norwex cleaning cloths are. They have pretty much revolutionized my cleaning. I can't believe I can wipe my stainless steel appliances or a window or mirror down with a damp (with just water) rag and have it look totally streak free and cleaner than if I used Windex. Amazing. And the fact that they can clean up after raw chicken and kill all the germs from that... well like I said ... Amazing! If you know where I live, come to my party Friday night at 8 and find out more. Or just stop by whenever before then I and I will show you how cool they are.

Feeling: Nostalgia -- Reason: My parents have completed their move from one house to the next. It has been a week. It is starting to sink in that I can't go "home" anymore. The home I have with my own little family is still home. But my childhood home still always felt like "Home" too. Now it will be going to my "parent's house" instead of going "home" to see my parents. Does that make sense? It is a good change in so many ways but I am still feeling the reality of it set in and that makes me feel nostalgic.

Feeling: Sadness -- Reason: Missing Camille. I have been missing my Camille not for the 14 month old little girl she was but for the 4 year old she isn't. I am feeling the loss of the nows that are not. I wonder about how her personality would feel and how her presence would change our family dynamics. I wonder lots of things.

Today I was thinking about her on my drive home from a quick trip to the post office. I felt this warmth all across my chest as if I were holding one of my babies tight to me in an embrace. I wondered if she were close. A song came on the radio about what it would be like if heaven were not so far away and we could go there for a visit. The singer sang about introducing his kids to his grandpa. I am thinking how I would like to introduce my kids to their sister. How we could all get to know her just a little better if we could just visit for an hour. As I approach our neighborhood I see paramedics and a fire truck with lights flashing leaving our small community. I am taken back almost 3 years and wonder whose life is feeling upside down today? I find out from a neighbor they came for a very nice older couple down the street. The husband has been battling cancer. I send a prayer to heaven for them and wonder what I can do to help. How my kind neighbors must have felt that fateful day 3 years ago when they saw all the flashing lights outside our house... Whew. Heavy thoughts. A general well off sadness is showing off its depths in my soul today.

Feeling: Joy -- Reason: My family. Lauren lost her first tooth yesterday. She is so excited and it brings me so much joy to see her growing and reaching these fun milestones. Noble brings a smile to my face with every cute thing he does (naughty or nice.) Often when he does a naughty thing (like dump a drink or food on the floor on purpose) he will look at the mess and say with pride "I Do That!" Too cute that kid. Harrison is sleeping like a champ and just being the cutest, cuddliest, calmest baby. I get joy just looking at his peaceful, beautiful face.

Annie is learning and growing and amazing me daily with her beautiful mind. She is such a mini me sometimes. The other day I was teaching Sabrina and her that they ought not to argue with an adult when the adult tells them they can't do something. She tells me "Mom, to me it isn't arguing it is just discussing. I am just discussing why I think it is okay for me to do it." That is so me. I have to explain why it is not polite to "discuss" why you think you should be able to do something that an adult has told you it is not okay to do in their house or car etc.

I think I had a similar conversation in college with a roommate who was concerned that one of my roommates and I were always arguing. I was Annie in that conversation explaining to my roommate that the other girl and I were discussing and debating and that we enjoyed that type of conversation and had no bad feelings about it. (Shout out to Ann Melinda! My old debating friend. Still love you more than my luggage!) I find so much joy in this little girls spunk and spirit!

And then there is Sabrina, a girl becoming a young woman right before my eyes. I find so much joy in watching her blossom and grow to be more mature and helpful. She is becoming more responsible and is so good to help out with the little kids when I need my hands for something else (like cooking for my dinner group.) I enjoy spending time with her. She recommended a book for me to read the other day and I read it. It was so fun to be able to enjoy a book my daughter recommended to me. She turns 10 this weekend. Time is going so fast. I am so happy she is close to me. I hope that will never change.

Well I think that clears out the majority of the emotions swirling around inside. Nice to have it out on record.


Susan Anderson said...

And it was very nice to read it, too.


Ali said...

My childhood home was sold a few years ago and I STILL miss it. It just felt so 'safe'. I mean I feel safe in my own home now...but going 'home' is so different. I guess it's hard to explain..but I understand how you feel.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE that song. I heard it today too AND it made me cry.....missing my dad who has been gone for 6 months. Reminds me that my kids won't get to know how wonderful their grandpa was. They will get to hear it from me but it won't be the same as if they were to know him.

My thoughts are with you always in missing your daughter.

Diana said...

First of all, the Oreo truffles are D-vine! And, I LOVE how simple they are to make-makes them even better!

Second, my heart aches for you with your daughter. What's funny is that I have had very similar thoughts with my son. I usually try to stay away from the "what would be's", but sometimes they come out no matter what I do! I just recently told someone in my current ward (we didn't live here when my son passed away, but have been here for almost 2 years and the majority of the ward still has no idea we lost our son) about my son, and she asked me in astonishment, "So Eden isn't the oldest?" For some reason that really hit me hard. I've always known that fact, but suddenly the reality of it hit me again. No, she is not my oldest, and there should have been an older brother that was baptised this last January, and who should be involved in school and sports, and friends with all the other kids that are the age he WOULD have been! And, those thoughts led to wondering what he would be like, and what he would be into, and how much bigger than his siblings would he be, and how would he react with them, etc, etc, etc! Dangerous ground for sure!! Maybe it's Memorial Day coming up?

Anyway, sorry to ramble! You are amazing, and I have looked up to you for the strength you posses and share with all the rest of us!

Catherine Noorda said...

Oh, I cannot believe I am going to miss two great parties this week. We are up in Salt Lake visiting my parents. Those refreshments sound amazing. I 'll just have to imagine what they'd taste like :)

Anonymous said...

Love your blog read it everyday. Would you suggest some more books? You have made some great suggestions and we have thouroughly enjoyed them in my book club. Thank you so much.

Camilla Clark UT said...

I have been reading your blog for about a year and a half now... ever since I was researching the very tragic story of John Jones which led me to your blog. I stayed up into the wee hours reading the story of your beloved Camille with many tears. Your determination and unwavering faith has been such a wonderful example for me in dealing with my own grief with losing my mother to cancer almost 3 years ago. As hard as my loss was I cannot compare it to loss of a child and yet you have been able to do with with your life and faith what I had failed at because of my anger with God. Thank you for being that wonderful example. I am not a mormon but your faith in God leaves me in awe. There is a shop at that a woman runs. She makes these beautiful polymer clay figurines that represent things such as loss and grief. This one reminds of your story
I am in no way affiliated with her shop, I just thought you might appreciate her artistic representation of such loss.