Arctic

It has been a few days since my last post. I would like to say I have been too busy. And well... after school I have. (I am trying this new thing of being busy with the girls this year and have signed them up for dance and music lessons. Almost every day of the week we have some after school lesson to go to. So far it has been good for all of us. We'll see how I feel by May.) During the days, however, I have only been busy trying to keep my mind off being sick. Somehow blogging doesn't do the trick. Red Raspberry Ice Breakers gum on the other hand is my new best friend. Anyone know where you can find it in Vegas? I can only find it at Toys R Us and I already bought out their whole stock.

Anyway, so my girls have been busy. They go to school and then their lessons and then practice their music and do their homework and then it is bed time. This means not so much playtime. So today being Saturday (and a Saturday with nothing on our beautiful Calendar) they have had all day to play. And I love that they all love to play together. That was the reason I wanted to have my kids close in the first place. Today they have played musical instruments (they made some out of paper cups and thing). They have played some Wii together. And perhaps my favorite of their games is their newly invented game "Arctic."

They pretended they were all trapped in the Arctic and got all dressed up in their heavy winter jackets and boots and hid out in the igloo (the pantry). They even put Camille's BYU sweatshirt on Noble. It was so tiny on him. It just made me realize what a little bit of a thing she was. We bought it for her the week before she died and it fit her well. He looked giant in her sweatshirt, even though he isn't a big kid at all.

But it was cute to see him playing with his sisters and now well they can play using their imaginations. To me that is the best kind of play ever. 

Little Things I Don't Want to Forget

I have a few things to document that I just don't want to forget about my kids. Bear with me or skip this if you don't really care. ;)

Noble: He loves to GO. When I tell him "Let's Go!" He runs with his little pitter patter feet to the mud room area and points to my purse and then to the garage door. When he is getting into trouble downstairs I ask him if he wants to play with his blocks. He gets a look of "Oh YEAH!" on his face and that little pitter patter of his feet goes over to the stairs to go up to his Mega Block legos. When the door bell rings, again the pitter patter to the front door. When dad's office door opens, the pitter patter to his office. I love the pitter patter. It is the only part of tile floors that I love.

He has a soft heart for anyone crying and is quick to give them a love. He loves to stand at the door and wave goodbye to his sisters as they go to school in the morning. When he is tired he is happy to go upstairs to bed and will wave goodbye to anyone downstairs as we go. He loves to climb and if able to climb on chairs now and smart enough to know if he moves them he can get up on a counter. Scary. Yesterday I followed him upstairs and was in the next room when I heard the water go on in the bathroom. I ran in to find him sitting in the sink fully clothed and turning on the water.

Words: he says "Dad" and "ball" and "Lala" and bellybutton which actually sounds like "BeBu" and he is learning to ruff like a dog. How appropriate that his first animal sound is a dog. :)

Lauren: She likes to tell me she loves me more than a never ending ice cream cone. That is a lot. She loves to cuddle and she makes good friends easily. She likes to do her own hair (which consists of her wetting and brushing it with a really soft brush till it is almost straight in the front.) She likes to come up with interesting outfits. One day she came in ready for school in a striped orange, red, and pink dress with striped pink, white, green, and orange pants. These were not stripes that were meant to be worn together. I said "My you sure are stripey today!" She smiled and said "Yes!" so proud of herself, "even my underwear are stripey!" That sealed it for me. I couldn't tell her to change a thing. Anyone who put that much thought into an outfit deserved to wear it proudly to school.

Annie: She is an eager and wonderful big sister. She loves to help her younger siblings however they will let her. Need help sounding out a word? planning a play? walking to the bathroom? doing a chore? she is there! Noble LOVES Annie. The other day I looked in the rear view mirror and saw she had laid her head down in his lap in his car seat. He had his arms around her giving her loves. She loves to tell stories and be the center of attention with her friends. She likes to say "Well.... " and then make a little smacking sound with her mouth several times and clear her throat a few times before she tells you something. This makes it very easy to do a good impression of her. ;) Dad says she has a black belt in pilates. She will show you her own version of "pilates" moves that seem more like some crazy karate.

Sabrina: Tonight she got home from dance and we were all playing outside. We were waiting for her to come home before we went it. All the kids ran in the house and she went running around the neighborhood picking up all of ours and the neighbor's toys and taking them into our garages before going inside. Once inside she practiced her viola and then as she finished she said "Mom, you and I have a date with the dishwasher." She knew I needed to do the dishes and needed some motivation. She stayed and helped load (not a job she enjoys at all) while I washed the dishes. What can I say? She came this way and I am just trying not to screw her up.

And Snickerdoodle: Just a few pregnancy oddities to note. First I have had strange cravings. I say strange because they are odd for ME. Normally I crave sweets or burgers or not so good for you food. This time, all those things make me sick to even think about! I can't even eat desserts. The only thing that has been steadily safe and so good to me is fresh fruit and good healthy salads. I guess that is good for me. Less weight to gain hopefully. Oh and the craving of the day is funeral potatoes. I will be making them for dinner group this week for sure. Anyone got an awesome recipe for them? I guess I will be googleing that tonight!

Okay, I am off to put those little darlings to bed!

Surprises

I love good surprises. I love to surprise others and I love to be surprised - as long as the surprise is a good one. Jonathan, on the other hand, does not like surprises. He doesn't care much for me trying to surprise him. He never has the "great surprise" reaction I love to see. Even if the surprise is big and I know he likes it. He just smiles and nods.

And I am pretty hard to surprise. I guess I like to feel in the know because most of the time I know something is up when a surprise is coming. Sometimes he does manage to give me a genuine surprise though. Like today when he emailed me from the airport to tell me he was catching an earlier flight home! That is one GREAT surprise! Yipee!

Mom to the Rescue!

My mom has been sick all week. So even though she is in town she has been stuck in bed. I had been planning on her helping me through this week without Jon. But as the days of her illness drug on, I lost hope of seeing her. Then yesterday morning she called and told me she was almost all better and well enough to come help me out.

After the disaster that was Wednesday night (well... mostly it was just a disaster because I was too spent with too much to do) I was ready for some Mama TLC.  She came out in the early afternoon and helped the kids with a school art project all afternoon. I am sure this project would not have happened without her. It was not mandatory but all the girls WANTED to do it. I could not have done it with them alone. They had so much fun making "popcorn art."

Then when I felt sick after dinner she cleaned up and helped the older kids with their homework and music practicing while I took the little kids outside for some fresh air for me and exercise for them. Somehow the fresh air didn't seem to help my nausea so we headed back inside before too long. After I got Noble and Lauren bathed and Noble to bed I laid around while my mom helped the girls finish up all their music practicing and getting ready for bed.

Then we all listened as Nana read to us from her favorite storybook from her own childhood. It had great stories - one for every day of the year. With the kids in bed, I took advantage of having my mom to myself and we watched a little Star Trek together before I went to bed and she headed home. My mom is kind of a Trekie and she has instilled a fondness for that show in me.

All in all it was a great night for me - mostly because my mom was here. Thanks mom!

Here we go ...

Jon is in the big apple for the rest of the week. My conclusion after this night... pregnant ladies should not be left home alone to do all the work of 4 kids. I miss my hubby and the help he gives at night. I am tired and emotional.

Last night the girls had an all out sob session feeling their grief all over in their new ages and understanding. It was a heavy night. Tonight I am feeling the aftershocks of their grief on my own heart. They are my comfort and joy and at the same time they add layers to my grief because I grieve for their loss as well.

How many more days till my anchor comes home?

Great Neighbors

You know neighbors can really make or break any place you live. I grew up in a cul-de-sac my dad built with 4 of his friends. We loved all our neighbors and were welcome to play with any of them anytime. We all took care of each other on that street. It was an ideal way to grow up. It felt like one big extended family all around us.

While there are a few more houses on my street now, and I certainly didn't know my neighbors before I moved in, I feel blessed to have great neighbors in my neighborhood now. I don't know ALL my neighbors but I do know a good percentage of them. And we have a really good neighborly feel with 2 annual block parties and plenty of homes where I can go borrow a cup of sugar or where my kids can find friends to play.

Last night I was feeling sick (like every night). For some reason it just seems that I feel better when I am out in the fresh air so I took the kids out in the street to play. They went across the street like normal to ask our street play friends if they wanted to play.

My neighbors across the street were the first people I met up in this neighborhood. They were one of the first 3 people to move in and were just moving in when I drove the neighborhood one night to show it to my brother who was in town from California. We started talking and they let me come in and show my brother their home. We moved in about 4 months later and we have been great friends ever since.

So last night not only did my neighbors come keep us company and play but when they heard I was feeling crummy and not up to making dinner (thus why we were in the street playing at dinner time) so the kids were going to have to wait till 7:30 when dad got home to do dinner, they fed my kids some of their dinner.

Did I mention I love great neighbors? I LOVE GREAT NEIGHBORS! Thanks to all my neighbors who have been and continue to be such good friends and such great supports to me and mine.

Do you know your neighbors? What can we all do to be great neighbors today?

Great Book

Last week I read a book entitled "the Maze Runner." It was pretty darn page turning. If you read and liked the Hunger Games, you would probably like this book as well. It is the first of a trilogy and the second book is scheduled to be released on Oct. 12. I am looking forward to diving into it.

The book is about a bunch of teenage boys who are trying to survive day to day life in a world they woke up in with their memories wiped out. It is interesting because the voice is from the perspective of the newest addition to their ranks and you discover this world right along with him step by step.

The author, James Dashner, does a great job making you want to keep reading chapter after chapter. I finished this book in about a day and a half. It makes me want to go read what else he has written.

If you are looking for a good page turner to dive into, I highly recommend the Maze Runner.

Sleep

Sweet sleep,

Why do you evade me?

I have offered myself to you with all my strength laid before your feet. 

Yet somehow you will not take me into your sweet embrace

Relieving my mind of its troubles and my heart of its sorrows.

Those packages seem to tied to me to make room for the softness of your companionship.

They seem to follow me even when we do at last find each other in that stillness of the night.

Troubles, BE GONE! Sorrow, save it for tomorrow! 

Tonight I have a date with Sleep and I want to have some quality one on one time. 

There will be plenty of time for us to play,

Awake in the brightness of the day.

Till then all I ask is a night of sweet and blissful, sleep.

Waiting for the big one?

This weekend we went to Utah and we got to spend some sweet time with my dear friend Kami. We were roommates freshman year of college. She got married her second year and we lost touch for years. When I got pregnant with Camille and we were considering the name Camille, I thought about Kami. I knew we would call our child "Cami" if we choose Camille as our name. I knew I would think of Kami since she was the only Cami or Kami I had ever known. I had great association with the name because of her. Still I hadn't talked to her in about 13 years. I wondered what had become of her. 

So I set to finding out. I called another of our roommates and between us we figured out where her parents lived. I called around till I found her parents and then got Kami's number. I called her up and reconnected. I told her of the baby I was having and how I was considering naming her Camille or Cami. I told her I had called to see if her life was in order so I wouldn't be naming my baby after someone who would be a poor model. To my great pleasure, she was still as wonderful as the year we lived together. And we choose the name Camille with confidence. 

I loved spending time around Kami. I love being able to say her name. That may sound weird but sometimes I just want to say the name Cami. I call out Annie and Saby and Lauren and Noble all the time. I don't get to say Cami very often. I miss the sound of her name on my lips. And people can get uncomfortable or worry about you if you are talking about your dead child to them all the time. So it was nice to spend a weekend with our family referring to Kami and going to Kami's house without all the heavy emotion we usually associate with the name. She is one of the few adults I let my children call by first name. 

One night while we were talking, Kami noted how in life she felt her trials had been relatively minor (like a 2 on a scale of 1-10). She expressed a fear or thought that I used to have all the time. The wondering what big trial was coming to you. It seems everyone has their big trial in life. No one escapes without feeling the heat of the refiners fire. And she wondered if I no longer feel that expectation or wonder. Did I feel like I now knew what my big trial was and that nothing harder would come to me. 

I wish I could say I did feel that way. But I am too young and too aware now to think that I am safe from big trials. I hope none will be as hard as this trial of losing a child. But I am painfully aware from my association with other angel mothers that experiencing this doesn't get you some pass to get out of future BIG trials. I thought that tonight as I read THIS most recent update on Sheye's blog about her pregnancy. I wish you could really send a hug through cyberspace.

I am praying for her tonight. I am hoping to have the strength to endure whatever lies ahead. And I am enjoying the blessings I have today knowing life gives us no guarantees. 

A Reminder

Do you ever have those moments when you get slapped across the face with that feeling for your spouse that reminds you exactly why you married them in the first place? I love my husband. We get along really well. He puts up with me and all my crazy moods. And we work well together as a partnership. But today I had one of those moments that just took it to a more focused and heightened level.

I woke up in a sour mood. I had a long do list today. Luckily I felt pretty good this morning and was able to get much of it done before I ate and felt yucky. But I was still in a bad mood. Especially about an upcoming trip we are taking. Jon on the other hand was feeling rather excited about this little trip and was scouting out zip lines and alpine slides and all that to do while we were there.

I was being a downer about it. I just felt like I didn't want to travel when I am feeling so yuck. Jon would not be pulled down with me. His silly optimism is infectious. By mid morning he had perked me up and reminded me of just one more reason I love him so much. He is fun. He makes me happy. He provides the silly we so desperately need around here sometimes. It turned out to be a good day after all. And the thanks for that go to my hubby. Love him.

When Sabrina went to Kindergarten I cried. I wasn't worried about her in anyway. I just knew I was going to miss my little girl. When Annie went to Kindergarten I worried about her. Will she be bored? Will she try to be the teacher? Will they be able to challenge her? When Lauren went to Kindergarten I worried about the teacher. 

I know Lauren will learn things this year and be challenged. I only hope the teacher will have patience with her as Lauren tells her how to run the class. Lauren knows EVERYTHING. Even the things she doesn't know. And she isn't afraid to tell you about it. 

The other night I was making scrambled eggs. I already had the eggs in the pan and mostly beat up. I was just beginning to stir them up. Lauren was watching me. "Mom, you are doing it all wrong. You don't make scrambled eggs that way!" Take note here that she has never made scrambled eggs. She kept telling me I needed to stir it differently. Finally I said "Oh ye of little faith Lauren." To which she replied, "Oh me of little faith Mama. What does that mean anyway?"I told her it meant she didn't believe I could make scrambled eggs well. She said that was right because I wasn't making them right. 

When I finished the eggs everyone ate them and told how good the eggs were ... even Lauren.

After the second day of school I was asking Lauren how her day was. She said good. I tried to get her to elaborate. After asking a few more detailed questions of her without any detailed answers Lauren finally said, "Can you just stop asking me questions and let me think for a minute." I think I have actually said those exact words before. Scary. 

It is like she is a mini me when I was a little kid. But at the same time she also reminds me so much of my grandma Harris. I mean Grandma Harris used to tell my mom (her daughter in law) she wasn't stirring the Jello right. If that doesn't sound like Lauren I don't know what does. So it makes me wonder if I was a mini Grandma Harris when I was a kid. And if so I wonder how my mom felt about that. I guess I will have to ask her about that next time we talk.

I feel lucky to have Lauren. I love having a reminder of myself and my Grandmother in her. And hopefully in time she will learn there are more than a few ways to make scrambled eggs and Jello.

A Dark Cloud with a Silver Lining

I have written about a hundred whiney blog posts in my head these past few weeks. They all revolve around how much I hate being sick. (Who came up with the idea that women should have nausea when pregnant. That person and I need to have a talk.)

I have refrained from writing these posts down since nobody want to a pregnant lady whine about feeling sick. Especially when it is such a blessing to be pregnant in the first place. I recognize this. This pregnancy came only after 7 months of trying and an early miscarriage the previous month. Still this being sick part has been ... especially trying this go round.

In an effort to preserve my own personal history, I want to record how I have felt. So I apologize in advance and give a warning that this will likely sound whiney. 

All my previous pregnancies, my nausea has been a sign to me of a healthy pregnancy. I have never miscarried when I have been nauseous. So it has been reassuring despite the discomfort. 

So it took me by surprise this time when the nausea this time elicited a rather different reaction in my psyche. As soon as the nausea came on I began to feel this overwhelming feeling of dread and fear and anxiety. Instead of signaling healthy pregnancy, it signaled Camille's accident. I felt nausea after her accident for weeks -- months really because I got pregnant with Noble and then it just stayed. 

I guess I didn't notice it last time because I was still so fresh in my grief that it all just ran together. But with this pregnancy, well, I have come so far in my healing that it was harsh to be thrust back into that fresh grief feeling. 

I have had trouble sleeping as the anxiety turns to adrenaline and my thoughts stray at night to that dark day. I have spent hours awake in the night, exhausted, but unable to sleep, haunted by my pain and grief.  It has been by far my most challenging first trimester ever. It has made me question how I thought I could do this again. And it has made me, for the first time, consider that this may be our last child.

The emotions have mellowed as I have endured week after week of this. I started taking Unisom to help with the sleep issue. That has helped immensely. I have been indulging any food craving I can to combat the nausea. Sometimes that works. Sometimes I just feel worse after. The thought that I have another 4-8 weeks of this is ... well hard. Is there anyway to just skip or sleep through September?

I will be 10 weeks in 2 days. I usually get better between 16-18 weeks. I was feeling really super low about this all about a week or two ago. Then I read THIS post by my fellow Angel Mom Sheye and I felt like a wimp. You should read it. It is the silver lining after this dark cloud of a post. She is my new hero. If she can do what she has done the past 3 years with grief loaded on her back, I can certainly make it another month or two, Right? RIGHT.

Shiny Happy People

Here are the school kids with their new clothes and new backpacks and new shoes and new headbands ready to take on a brand new year of school. They were so excited for the first day.

Lauren had a great first day being walked to class by her big sisters. I am anxious to hear the report from the other girls. Lauren and I are making "first day of school" cookies. Here are a few individual shots.

Noble and I had a fun morning playing by ourselves and running some errands. Can't leave him out of the photos this morning. I think he wanted to go to school with his sisters.

It was awfully quiet around here with just he and I at home. Oh well, I guess I ought to enjoy it because it won't be that way for long. 

We have a little "Snickerdoodle" baking in the oven. 

Due to be done March 31st. 

Now I think I will go do something to keep me from throwing up. :)

Back to School Eve

It is the night before the first day of school for us. The backpacks are packed with school supplies waiting to be taken to classes. The new school clothes are purchased and ready to be put on tomorrow. We have seen our classrooms and met our teachers at the "meet and greet." The special french toast casserole is soaking in the fridge waiting to be cooked tomorrow morning. Somehow tonight almost has a Christmas eve feel.

I am excited for the girls to go back to school. Lauren will be starting kindergarten and she is very excited. I am looking forward to the routine school provides. I am tired of answering the question - "I'm bored. What can I do?" I feel really good about the teachers everyone got. I hope this will be a good year for them all.

It has been a long 3 week break for me. I have not been myself. I have been struggling to make it through each day. So there were no big activities planned or schedules adhered to. I did manage to finish off Date nights with Annie on Friday. We went to the mall to get earrings at Claires and then got ice cream at Ben and Jerry's. At home we played a card game together.

Annie is just such a bright star. She has a twinkle in her eye that can light up a room. She loves big. She is fast and fearless. She makes me smile. I am so glad to have her in our family.

So Noble and I will have some alone time each day now. He is so cute and fun. He doesn't talk much. Though he does say "uh-oh" very often (for valid reasons.) He has a loving heart and will give anyone he sees crying a snuggle. Sometimes I fake cry just so he will come give me a love :). He loves to put things in and out of things, especially the trash.

I look forward to sharing some alone time and nap time with him everyday. And I look forward to the book vacation I am going to give myself as soon as I catch up on my laundry and house work. Mockingjay is waiting for me and I am dying to dive in. Pictures of back to school tomorrow.

Raincheck on the Sale

This sale has been postponed due to back weather forecast. Bummer. Will let you know when they do it for real.

S

Date Nights

We only have 3 weeks of summer here with our "year round" school schedule. And we decided not to travel for various reasons. So one of the things I have been doing to try to make the "vacation" fun is to do a Date Night for each of the girls.

After drawing straws, Sabrina won the first date. She chose to go to the mall. We got a Hot Dog on a Stick and Lemonade and went to Claires to buy earrings for her. She just got her ears pierced two months ago and is excited to wear fun earrings. We had a fun time despite the fact that I wasn't feeling all that well. It is so fun to see her growing up in to such a beautiful young lady. She has such a comforting and loving spirit. I feel completely blessed to have her pave the way for the children in our family.

Last night it was Lauren's turn. She chose a trip to Toys 'R Us followed by ice cream cones at DQ. You know, do you really ever grow out of the trill of so many fun toys at a store like Toys 'R Us? I certainly haven't. I was almost as excited to see all the toys as Lauren was. After ooooing and ahhhing over all the possibilities, Lauren picked a stuffed animal to buy. I gave into my own temptation and bought a couple of games for our family to play. We have had fun playing them today.

Lauren is growing up everyday. She has an incredible memory and will tell me details about things she has seen on television or stories she has heard in Sunday school. Her talk is getting more and more "grown up" these days. She is learning to sound out words and read and write. She can count to a trillion "in" 9. :) (She counts correctly to 109 then skips to a million and goes to a million and 9 then to a billion. From there to a billion and 9 and then to the trillions.) She also draws well, especially flowers and butterflies (or so she tells me.) She is so darn cute. I just want to squeeze her. I love her 5 year old ness.

Jon took his turn at bat and took all the kids on a date with Dad to Shark Reef yesterday. They had fun and enjoyed the fish. Next week we will have a date with Annie. More on that date to come...

Washington D.C. Trip

Hi Everyone. I know. It has been almost a whole week with no posts. No, I haven't been out of town. But I am planning a trip that I would love some help with. Jon and I are planning on taking our oldest 3 kids to Washington, D.C. this fall. I am excited to show the kids where I lived when I was in law school and take them to my favorite places out there.

One thing I am struggling with however, is where to stay. I wondered if any of you have visited D. C. and have any recommendations. I want to stay close to a metro station either in a safe part of D.C. or one of the close areas in Virginia. Any suggestions?

It has been so long since I have been back to D.C. that I can't remember which areas are safe and which are not and which hotels are nice and which are not. I would really appreciate any suggestions anyone can give me.

Favorite Things

I made a new purchase recently. It is definitely one of my favorite things. It makes me feel strong and tall and capable. It adjusts to go easy on me on hard days and hard on me on easy days. It makes my jeans fit better and my body more able to accomplish its daily tasks. It is the only form of exercises that I really like. (Well running outside isn't so bad but only on good cool weather days which are few here in Vegas.)

I bought a reformer from the studio where I was taking classes. Now my trainer comes over once a month to teach me new exercises and I work out on my own the rest of the month. It has been great. I especially love that I don't have to worry about having someone watch the kids while I go. My girls are great coaches. They are now experts at counting to 16 for me as they count my reps. 

Noble loves to sit on my tummy while I go back and forth doing leg work. Sometimes he even just lays down on my chest and enjoys the ride. My girls like to try to do the exercises I do. They are too short to do most of the leg ones. But they can all do some of the arm ones and love to ask mom if they can "crack the walnut."

I know this is silly because doing Pilates is really hard when you do it right. But part of the reason I love it is because I get to spend a good portion of my workout laying on my back. That to me if relaxing. Even in my legs, or core, or booty is burning from the strain.

What is your favorite way to workout?

Dance with Me

Watching the Finale tonight, a thought hit me as I watched this piece by Travis Wall. He choreographed it about his mother's battle with (what I read somewhere) breast cancer. It was touching thinking of it in that light. But tonight when I watched it I looked at it with broader eyes.

Tonight I saw myself as the woman in this piece. And immediately the one "fixing" me took on the role of the Savior. He doesn't take all the pain away. He just gently nudges here and lifts there to get me going at those moments when I just feel like I can't do it on my own.

The middle part shows the anger and passion of grief and how the Savior lets us alone to feel these but is never far from us and he understands these emotions and feels them with us. I love how it starts and she is so devastated and then he catches her in her fall and then after the passion and "fight" in the middle section she if laid low yet again and he helps her walk forward, guiding her and helping, ever so gently to lift her feet.

I am grateful for a Savior who understands and is willing to share the dance - through both the good, bad, the stumbling and the fighting with me.

Can you see yourself in this dance too?

Wow

I saw this today via Nie Nie. All I can say is WOW. Wow.

SYTYCD Finale Party my house tonight at 8:30 ish.

I Know... I Know...

It is 4:19 a.m. What am I doing up? Good question. I had a big long day yesterday. I worked hard. I played hard. I got no nap. I should be snoozing right? Right. But I have spent the last hour or so laying in my bed in June 2008.

I kept telling myself, "Stephanie. It is August 2010! We are two years out. Let's close that chapter and look forward." But somehow my mind wasn't listening. So finally I thought maybe coming down here and writing it out would put the past back to bed and let me go to sleep.

We went swimming last night. Jon had to work till almost 8 so I took the 4 kids by myself to our friends house. I knew this would be too much for me to watch 4 kids at a pool when two of them are not so water safe. So I came prepared. I brought a port a crib and put Noble down to sleep in the house as soon as we arrived. He was tired and it was his bedtime so this worked well. Now I just had Lauren to worry about.

I got in the pool with the kids and we had fun. I worked with Lauren on her swimming. I helped her see that she could swim all the way across the pool by herself. We did a few laps together with her turning on her back to float to breathe. She did so well and I was so proud of her being so brave and working so hard to learn this technique. Still, it was draining to keep my eyes on her 100% of the time. It is just stressful to me. She was fine the whole time. We swam for about and hour and half in all and she got so good at flipping over on her back. As she got tired toward the end she often would stay on her back and kick to get to the side.

There were no close calls. Sabrina and Annie had a blast and Jon eventually showed up to get in with them. Still, the stress is just there for me now whenever water is near. Part of me always feels I must be missing someone or there must be some danger I am not seeing.

And so when I woke up at 3 a.m. I was back again in 2008, reliving the reason for my stress. These days, the reliving is less adrenaline filled. It is more analytical?, more of a running through the events in my head, confirming that they happened? And they are often accompanied by that nauseating feeling of the reality of my loss.

Lately I have been thinking about how different the death of a child is as apposed to losing a grandparent. I haven't really experienced other losses enough to know how this compares to them. But I was thinking how different this is because losing a child changes you as a person. Some of those changes are good and some of them are pretty not so nice. :) But it changes you. It is like a different chemical is added to your make up and it completely changes who you were before is so many ways.

The other losses I have experienced, while they were very sad to me, didn't do that. I was very close with my grandmothers and I still miss them often. But it just seemed to be part of life to lose them. Maybe it was earlier than I wanted with one of them. But she was still 80 and had lived a full life. Somehow, losing a young child doesn't seem like it should be "part of life." And yet ... for me ... it is.

And so now, I guess, is this. The stress and the reliving, at 4 in the morning, the day that changed me forever as a person.

What do Mormon's believe of the Doctrine of Grace

Dear Julie (the no longer Anon commenter from my Lesson on Exaltation Post),

First off I did do a post on this subject before that you can read HERE. But I will answer again as there are things from this post that are a bit more specific than I answered before. I will say in advance that I write to inform only. My purpose is never to convince anyone I am right and they are wrong. I respect that each of us has the right to believe, and worship or not as they choose and seem fit. Still I am happy to agree with you when you believe as I do and I think for the most part our beliefs about the doctrine of Grace are the pretty similar. At least if I read your comments right.

Mormons do believe in the doctrine of Grace. It is what saves us. No one can live or do anything that can "save" them. Only Christ can do this. Anyone who feels they can never be saved because they can't live perfectly or that they can be saved because they think they do live perfectly simply does not understand the power and necessity of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

I think it is a common misconception of our church that people think we do not believe in grace. Perhaps that is because we do stress the "following Christ" part of earning Grace.

As I am sure you understand, Christ is our judge and he will be the One who decides who His grace will make perfect and clean and who it will not. He has set an example for us and asked us in the scriptures to take certain steps to qualify us for his grace. These are faith in Him, repentance, Baptism by water and Baptism by fire or the receiving of the Holy Spirit. See John 3:5 and Mark 16:16 (just to name 2).

Once we have taken these steps we must try our best to live according to the light and knowledge we have been given. And those who haven't taken these steps will also be judged by HIm according to how they lived based on the light and knowledge they are given. So we do not believe that a child in China who has never been taught of Jesus Christ but has lived a good life and done what they feel is right based on what they know is automatically damned because they don't have faith in Christ and haven't been baptized. We believe that in the afterlife that child will have an opportunity to learn of Christ from angelic missionaries and a baptism will eventually be able to be done for that child here on earth in one of our temples so that child can choose to accept that baptism and qualify for the Grace that Christ would offer him.

On the other hand, we do not believe that one who has come to know Christ and then rejects His example and chooses not to follow His Spirit will automatically be saved just because once they believed. That is the enduring to the end part. We must try our best to follow Him and become as much like Him as we can. We won't succeed but His grace will make up for all we lack (which as you noted is ALOT.) It is only by that grace that we at last can be made perfect in His kingdom.

Now we do believe that there are many "degrees" of heaven. I wrote a post on the LDS view of heaven HERE.  I would refer you to this post to explain what we think Heaven is like and whether we think we are the only ones going there. :) But to make it in the top of the 3 kingdoms I refer to in that post, we believe you must take the steps I outlined above to be "saved" by Christ's grace.

As for the other steps in my outline of my lesson that refer to going to the temple, Those are steps that we believe have been restored to us through modern day prophets. By restored, I mean that we believe they were on the earth at the time of Christ and Solomon, and Adam for that matter, but that they were lost after Christ and his apostles were killed. They are necessary for us to literally become like our Heavenly Father and to live in families - still being married and still being mothers and fathers - in the kingdom of Heaven.

I would HIGHLY recommend that you go to mormon.org. Just click on the button that says "I believe" on my blog to get to my page there. I do answer the question about what we think of the doctrine of grace there as well. More importantly, you can see what other Mormons think of this topic. HERE is a link to the very page that shows the responses to the Grace question. Regular Mormon people like me have gone there and answered this very question for themselves and you can see if my answer is in line with other Mormon's say.

Also if you have any other questions or want to know more, you can chat with a missionary online. They can answer whatever questions you have live and you don't need to be worried or scared to talk to them. They will only send someone to your home if you ask for them and give them your address. :) No pressure. Just answers. Hope that helps you understand what we believe.

While you are there you should also watch the video of my friend Ryan Wright HERE. He is awesome and a talented musician as well as a record company executive for a major label. Plus he is just a great guy. Loved his video.

Crazy Lady

Do you ever feel like you are going crazy? Sometimes I do. My emotions have been all over the place lately. Not only have I had mood swings that could rock a cruise ship but I have also had a myriad of emotions all surging within at the same time. I mean, how is it that I want to laugh and cry and scream and run for no good reason at the same exact time?

I had to apologize to my kids today for being snippy. I guess it is at least good to know I am acting like a crazy lady so I can tell them so and let them know it is me not them. But it makes me wonder how I am going to survive the teenage years when we will have 4 crazy ladies in the house snipping at each other and laughing and holding back tears all at the same time.

The girls started dance classes this week. It has been fun to see them all cute in the dance clothes. Noble... well he is at a frustrating stage. By that I mean that he is often frustrated because I won't let him feed himself every meal and he only wants to eat if he feeds himself. We are negotiating. He will only drink out of big cup and only if he can hold it. (sippy cups are for shaking upside down to make it rain right?) I can't even hand it to him. I have to put the cup down and let him pick it up himself. Then I don't let him go anywhere with the cup. That is frustrating to him. At least he is getting really good at cleaning up his spills.

So many times a day I just want to eat him up. I wish he liked to snuggle because I just want to squeeze him in gratitude that he is here with me every day. But he is too busy to snuggle. There is a whole world to learn about and discover right? Today I made muffins. He got up on a stool and got a pair of tongs and tried to feed himself some of those muffins. It was so funny. By the time I got him down he had muffin all over his face and a few of the muffins had been hammered. Of course when I put him in his high chair with a muffin, he only wanted to pull of pieces to throw on the ground. When I took him out he went back to the stool and got the tongs again and went to work trying to use those tongs to get muffin in his mouth.

Sorry if these little details are a bit boring for you all. I just wish I had written more of Camille's little day to day details down. So I am trying to get my little kid details down here for myself. I don't want to forget this crazy stage of life and the wonder of watching my children discover the world.

Lesson on Exaltation

Yesterday it was my turn to teach all the young women again at church. Just in case any of you will have to teach this lesson, I thought I would share what I did. Plus there was a great story that I think everyone would love (see below). I fretted quite a bit about how to make the lesson interesting to the girls. The lesson in the manual had some good information but I didn't like the way it was organized and I wanted to find a more compelling attention getting introduction.

I ended up putting 7 books around the room and had a girl walk around the room gathering books to stack on her head as she went. Before she started I gave her a card as a free gift for participating. It said I would bring treats on Tuesday to our activity. (This represented the free gift of immortality that Christ has given us all.)

Next she had to walk to room gathering books on her head as she went. Each book represented one of the steps our religion teaches are necessary for exaltation in the highest kingdom of heaven (Faith, Repentance, Baptism, Baptism of the Spirit, Temple Endowments, Temple Marriage and Enduring to the End.) At the end it was really hard to walk without losing the books. I had another girl help her a bit to steady the books as she walked. (This girl represented the heavenly help we receive to endure.) At the end she got a card that told her she got to pick her favorite treat for Tuesday.

In each book I had a scripture or quote for a girl to read that said that this step is essential. We talked about all the steps and why they are essential and how because of God is a perfect parent and a perfect being who is perfectly just, he must follow through with His word. Then we talked about why we should want this "upgraded gift" of exaltation.

There was a great story in the lesson that has stuck with me and it is part of the reason I am sharing all of this with you now. I wanted to share it with all of you.

To help the young women understand the great glory and happiness of those who are exalted, read the following experience of Elder Melvin J. Ballard who, as an Apostle, had a marvelous dream or vision:

Quotation

“Away on the Fort Peck Reservation where I was doing missionary work with some of our brethren, laboring among the Indians, seeking the Lord for light to decide certain matters pertaining to our work there, and receiving a witness from Him that we were doing things according to His will, I found myself one evening in the dreams of the night in that sacred building, the temple. After a season of prayer and rejoicing I was informed that I should have the privilege of entering into one of those rooms to meet a glorious Personage, and, as I entered the door, I saw, seated on a raised platform, the most glorious Being my eyes have ever beheld or that I ever conceived existed in all the eternal worlds. As I approached to be introduced, he arose and stepped towards me with extended arms, and he smiled as he softly spoke my name. If I shall live to be a million years old, I shall never forget that smile. He took me into his arms and kissed me, pressed me to his bosom, and blessed me, until the marrow of my bones seemed to melt! When he had finished, I fell at his feet, and, as I bathed them with my tears and kisses, I saw the prints of the nails in the feet of the Redeemer of the world. The feeling that I had in the presence of Him who hath all things in His hands, to have His love, His affection, and His blessing was such that if I ever can receive that of which I had but a foretaste, I would give all that I am, all that I ever hope to be to feel what I then felt!” (Melvin J. Ballard, Crusader for Righteousness [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1966], pp. 138–39).

I loved this account of this man's dream or vision. I could feel it as I read it to them. It has stayed with me since. I want to be there with Him too. I plan on being there - with Camille, with my family hopefully, and most importantly with my Savior and Heavenly Father.

Hey Beautiful Readers!

We are taking pictures for the new website of LaptopXchange and looking for people in the Las Vegas/Henderson area to come participate in the photo shot.  We're looking to fill the store up -- donuts and juice will be provided !!

Time: 9:00 AM, Saturday July 31, 2010
Where: 1381 W. Sunset Rd., #100
             Henderson, NV  89014

Angry

Today I had a flashback. It happens every once in a while. A picture from that day flashes into my mind and I feel all the emotions associated with that image in my head. But I am really here two years later and the emotions have this duller, broader, more distant feel to them. And I spin whirlingly around in a cycle of intense and familiar grief. 

The stages of grief whirl so quickly around in my soul that they often overlap and meld together. Sometimes, I get stuck in one for a few moments or hours or days. Today, I got stuck in anger. It is not a stage I have spent much time in. I never really blamed anyone or got angry at anyone specific. I just have occasionally felt like I did today. I felt like I just wanted to go break something. 

I tried to snap myself out of it. I picked myself up and went to do some errands and pick up the kids from school. I distracted my mind. Then I made dinner for my dinner group tonight. I tried to make a family favorite of ours - my own version of eggs florentine. It was not the best choice for dinner group. Everything has to be ready at the same time to assemble and then it needs to be eaten immediately. Plus I made bacon and bacon wrapped dates to go with it. 

By the time I finished I had a kitchen full of bacon grease, egg mess from poaching eggs, pots and pans everywhere, crumbs all over from the English muffins, and popcorn ALL over courtesy of Noble and Lauren. I felt flustered and overwhelmed and still just angry. 

Realizing that my mood of wanting to break something wasn't the best one to have around the kids at that moment, I excused myself to go upstairs with Noble and I called a friend to vent. After about 45 minutes, Noble was getting sleepy and kept laying down on anything soft he could find so I wrapped up my conversation and put him to sleep. Then I went downstairs to face the music of my crazy dirty kitchen. 

With the help of my family I got the kitchen back in order and the kids put to bed. And I have just finished watching So You Think You Can Dance with friends. I am feeling far better now. It helps so much to be surrounded by order and good, loving people. Still there is this little latent part of me that just wants to scream, or hit something, or hurt something.

As if breaking or hurting something will somehow get that pain out or transfer it elsewhere. The trick is that there is no transferring this pain. There is only going through it. There is no trick to stamp it out. It cannot be smashed or burned or kicked. I just have to get back through the cycle again to accept it and befriend it once more. Sometimes, I wonder if these mini cycles of grief ever really end. 

Favorite Things

I have a list of a few of my favorite new things that I have been wanting to share. Today I share one of those with you including a discount if you want to buy one too! :) Who doesn't love a discount right?

The other day I walked into my friend Shelli's house and saw the most amazing calendar on her wall. She said she made it. I told her I needed one ASAP! Last week her husband came over and delivered mine. Here it is!

It is 5 feet by 5 feet and each day is the size of a full piece of paper. It is magnetic and a white board. I love that I can put invitations right up on the day they belong. I also love that I can't miss it when walking through the room. There are no more excuses for anyone in the family about not knowing about some activity or other if it makes it upon the calendar. This is exactly what I needed to keep my life straight. Especially this year as I will now have 3 kids in school and activities. 

I  LOVE this calendar. I love the way it looks. I am excited to frame it in a black wooden frame. I am sure I will love the look of it even more then. I love how organized it encourages me to be. I love how big it is. I just love it. If you love it and want more information about them you can email Shelli at shellibryan@yahoo.com. They normally cost $325 but she will give you a nice discount if you mention that you saw it on my blog. 

How did I ever get along without this???

"Ah Man!"

When I was young (14) I was given an award by my peers as the person "most likely to be caught dreaming of her future husband." It is true. I did think about that subject quite frequently in the years before I got engaged. But it was more than just dreaming of what he would look like or where he would have grown up or how we would meet. I have always been a planner. I was trying to mentally plan my life out. Getting married to some dark haired, tall, attorney from Texas was just another part of the plan. Right? :0)

I may not have gotten my plans for my future husbands looks or profession or birth place right, but I did plan for other more important qualifications that I did get. Chief among those was a good LDS man who would be obedient to the Lord no matter what. Ultimately, it is that quality in Jon that is responsible for our marriage. It is because he was obedient to the Lord's instruction to date me - even though he didn't like me like that - that we ever got together.

So I guess it should be no surprise to me that my little Lauren has been wondering about who she is going to marry for many months now. Several months ago she was in tears in our car as she explained how worried she was that she didn't have a boy to marry. I suggested many and she turned them all down. Eventually I had to distract her so she would not be so distraught. 

Yesterday we were reading the scriptures in the morning. We are reading in the Old Testament. We are at the part when Abraham sends his servant to find a wife for Issac among his kindred. I talked to the girls about why it was important for Issac, and thus for us, to marry someone of our own faith. They gave me many reasons for why this is important and ultimately being able to get married in the Temple was at the top of the list. 

This was a great way to introduce our family's standard of only dating those guys who are worthy to take you to the temple someday. After all, if you don't date guys who can't meet this standard, you will never fall in love with one and have to make the hard choice between a temple marriage and the guy you love. 

So as we are wrapping up this conversation and the standard has been laid down, I hear Lauren say, "Ah Man! Now I am going to have to find a new boy!"

I tried really hard not to laugh as I asked who she had in mind. She named a little boy in her preschool class and then said, "but he doesn't go to church with us!" Lucky for her he actually is Mormon and just attends a neighboring ward. She was very relieved by this information as she wouldn't have to go "boy hunting" again.

A Bit of Paradise in the Desert

Last month we went down to Arizona to visit my friend Britt and her family for Camille's angel day. It seemed crazy that we would pick the one place hotter than Las Vegas to go for the weekend but it ended up being totally worth it. We got to see lots of old friends a met a few new ones. We ate amazing food and cooled off by the pool.

We also went to the Mesa, AZ Temple. I had never been there before. I was stunned at how beautiful it was in the middle of the desert. We loved the lush grounds and the visitor's center. 

I love my little family. Even with the hole in the middle of it... it is a beautiful thing to me.

And I know that one day the hole will be refilled. I feel sure of that promise. I am grateful for the temple where we can make and receive such meaningful promises with and from the Lord.

And I am especially grateful for this little piece of heaven in my home. He refreshes my soul and replenishes my spirit. 14 months and he is all over the house, walking in my shoes whenever he can find them. He loves my wedge sandals and my Crocs. He thinks he is so big walking all around clip clopping in my shoes. And before bed I hold him up to the picture of Camille in his room and he gives her a kiss. He doesn't do that to anyone or anything else. I really think he remembers her.

Dance Party

8:30 p.m. Tonight!

My house!

So You Think You Can Dance!!!

Be There! 

Eat something yummy and Square!

Review Happiness Recipe

Every couple of months I have to go back and review my "recipe for happiness." It is one of those things that I just have to remind myself of so I can keep myself ... well ... happy. And the beauty of it is that I know I can be happy if I follow it no matter what curve balls life may throw at me. It has shown me that I can be in control of my own happiness even through incredibly sorrowful circumstances. 

So I thought I would review it here again --for myself, and for anyone else feeling in a bit of funk and needing the review. This recipe comes from Luke 2:52. It is the one verse that tells what Jesus did between the ages of 12 and 33 when he started His ministry. I am no longer a child but I am no where near where He was at 33 so I guess I should be following His example from this verse. "And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man."

1) Jesus increased in wisdom. I need to learn something new everyday. I can do this by reading something new, creating something new, learning a new word. This is an easy one of those in school or working in a job where you use your brain. It is harder for us stay at home moms. I have not been doing so well at this one. How about all you out there? Do you have a way to use your brain everyday? For those of you who struggle with this here is a little help for today. Webster's word of the day for today is conn \KAHN\ verb-- it means: to conduct or direct the steering of (as a ship). The captain conned his ship through the icy waters.  There -- go use that word somehow today and you can check off this part of the recipe.

2) Jesus increased in stature. Okay I may not be growing anymore (hopefully) but I can do something physical to maintain or improve my physical health everyday. This is another hard one for me. But it doesn't have to be a huge work out. Really to get the mental health benefits from working out I have found that all I need to do is exercise till I have worked up a good sweat. That will start the endorphins going and make me feel better. If I am feeling fat, it will make me feel like I am doing something about it - no matter what the scale says. If I am feeling sad, it makes me feel more cheerful. If I am frustrated, it makes me feel in control. I know for sure that if I am grumpy this is a sure way to make me in a better mood. Tonight I played Just Dance on the Wii with my kids -- 5 songs in a row. I worked up the sweat and had a good time doing it.

3) Jesus increased in favor with God. This one is easy. Read scriptures everyday and earnestly pray everyday. This isn't just a going through the motions thing. I really have to try to connect with the Lord when I pray to make this happen. When I do this I can feel the Lord's love for me and that calms the storms the world would throw at me. In reading scriptures, I read until I feel some inspiration or until I learn something or am reminded of something. I mentioned my bishop challenged us to read 10 pages a day. I have been doing this most days (I didn't do so well on our vacation) and I have been surprised to find that I ALWAYS find some inspiration as I am reading when I read that amount. Before when I just read a page or a chapter I some days did and some days didn't. I have enjoyed my daily inspiration from this hefty challenge. Bottom line is that you can't be truly happy without feeling connected spiritually and these are the keys to staying connected. I read my 10 pages this morning and felt the power of how one evil man can influence so many for ill. Look up the history of Amalickiah in Book of Mormon if you want to see one seriously evil, cunning, and influential man. And tonight I am praying especially hard for a few family I have heard of whose children recently drowned and for my Miamaids. It isn't easy being a teenage girl.

4) Jesus increased in favor with man. We are created to need other people. Women especially, I think, need other women. So the goal with this is to do something nice for someone else everyday. I would add also to do something "social" everyday. As a stay at home mother, we serve others (our families) all day. That is not hard. But to really feel the joy of service sometimes we have to step outside our normal "job" of serving our family and do something more. So I think calling a friend, or watching someone's kids for them, or going out to a play date, or sitting out in the street chatting with neighbors counts for this. Be friendly - serve others - think outside the self. This reminds me of advice a good friend of mine gave me from his mission in a letter. It was that the key to happiness is work. Like Gordon B. Hinckley's dad wrote to him on his mission, "Forget yourself and go to work." That is HUGE in being happy. When we think of and serve others, we often see how blessed we are in so many ways and then can find the gratitude that is SOOOO essential for being happy. Everyone living in America (and pretty much every other 1st world country) should consider themselves HUGELY blessed. Even the poorest of the poor here in terrible family or other living situations have it so much better than SO many people in developing nations around the world where dictators or guerilla armies rule brutally. We just too often find it too easy to compare ourselves with our neighbors or friends and focus on the things we don't have. I am so much happier when I focus on the children I do get to raise right now instead of dwelling on the one I must wait to raise. Today I served my family, I talked to a few friends on the phone, and I went to mutual and had fun talking to the girls and the other ladies.

Thanks for sticking with me through my review. I need it every couple months. I have been feeling fairly good but this "just after the anniversary" time when it is summer and other families are joining our club, well I just need to keep working the recipe to keep my spirits up. 

Lauren Elizabeth

My Lauren turned 5 last week. Tonight I came down to tell me something. The way she talks is just so cute and I told her I wanted to just take a bottle and capture her "5 year old ness" and put it in the bottle so I could save it. Then I could take little sips of it down the road. She looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Yeeeeaaaahhhh, not going to happen!"

Alas it is true but oh that I could bottle a bit of her cute 5 year old essence up to savor in years to come. I guess that is why we have video cameras right?

For her 5th birthday we had a family party with cousins a few days before her actual birthday because all the cousins on my side were in town. Then on her actual birthday she had one of her best friends over. We went to McDonald's for happy meals and ice cream cones (her request) and to play in the play place. When we got home I painted finger and toe nails.

Then Lauren opened the present the little girl got her. Later that night we went to Red Robin for dinner (also her pick) and afterwards we had cake and ice cream at home. Our neighbors across the street joined us for that. It was a fun day for her and she got lots of fun toys.

Us singing. Me leading the song. Lauren protecting her candles from outside blowers ... like her Dad!

Last year her birthday was way hard for me. It was so hard to see what was suddenly my littlest girl growing up. This year I have had the same summer waves of emotion hitting me, but they have come with less force. I woke up a bit trepidatious on her birthday. I felt a wave of reflective sadness headed my way. Then I just decided I wasn't going to let it hit me this year. At least not on that day. Not on Lauren's birthday. She was excited to turn 5. I was going to be excited with her. And I was. And I am. In fact I love her 5 year old self and wouldn't have her go back to 4 if she could. Onward and upward.

I have been riding the waves since then watching the unfolding of the lives of the Sullenger family that so many of you have commented about on my last post or emailed/called me about. Thank you for thinking of me. It is an honor to me that you think of me as someone to help them. I have left a couple of comments on their blog. For now that is all I can do. Those first days you are so inundated with information and people and well wishers and all you can think about is, "How is this happening? how can I still be here? How can I still be breathing? How can I make it be different?"

I don't know this young family personally so I don't have their email or address so for now I will leave comments as so many of you have and when or if they ever feel a desire to reach out and talk to others who know what it is like, they will have my email and blog from my comments.  It took me weeks before I could even think about someone else and that other's out there were also going through that pain.

It seems every summer will have its waves. Luckily, for me the waves are not all grief related. I enjoy some happy waves with family and friends as well.

Noble with my brother Stephen from Texas in California.

Three families of Harris cousins (minus the 3 baby boys) keeping safe from the waves.