Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Today I had a flashback. It happens every once in a while. A picture from that day flashes into my mind and I feel all the emotions associated with that image in my head. But I am really here two years later and the emotions have this duller, broader, more distant feel to them. And I spin whirlingly around in a cycle of intense and familiar grief. 

The stages of grief whirl so quickly around in my soul that they often overlap and meld together. Sometimes, I get stuck in one for a few moments or hours or days. Today, I got stuck in anger. It is not a stage I have spent much time in. I never really blamed anyone or got angry at anyone specific. I just have occasionally felt like I did today. I felt like I just wanted to go break something. 

I tried to snap myself out of it. I picked myself up and went to do some errands and pick up the kids from school. I distracted my mind. Then I made dinner for my dinner group tonight. I tried to make a family favorite of ours - my own version of eggs florentine. It was not the best choice for dinner group. Everything has to be ready at the same time to assemble and then it needs to be eaten immediately. Plus I made bacon and bacon wrapped dates to go with it. 

By the time I finished I had a kitchen full of bacon grease, egg mess from poaching eggs, pots and pans everywhere, crumbs all over from the English muffins, and popcorn ALL over courtesy of Noble and Lauren. I felt flustered and overwhelmed and still just angry. 

Realizing that my mood of wanting to break something wasn't the best one to have around the kids at that moment, I excused myself to go upstairs with Noble and I called a friend to vent. After about 45 minutes, Noble was getting sleepy and kept laying down on anything soft he could find so I wrapped up my conversation and put him to sleep. Then I went downstairs to face the music of my crazy dirty kitchen. 

With the help of my family I got the kitchen back in order and the kids put to bed. And I have just finished watching So You Think You Can Dance with friends. I am feeling far better now. It helps so much to be surrounded by order and good, loving people. Still there is this little latent part of me that just wants to scream, or hit something, or hurt something.

As if breaking or hurting something will somehow get that pain out or transfer it elsewhere. The trick is that there is no transferring this pain. There is only going through it. There is no trick to stamp it out. It cannot be smashed or burned or kicked. I just have to get back through the cycle again to accept it and befriend it once more. Sometimes, I wonder if these mini cycles of grief ever really end. 


Olsens R Us said...

Thank you for sharing such raw emotions with so many of us. I'm sorry yesterday was a harder day for you in your grieving. I once told my close friend who had lost her daughter several years ago that the hardest thing for me was that I wanted to be able to take the pain from her for a time, just to give her a reprieve.... I think so many of us feel that way about you too Stephanie- a woman many of us know only through this blog- but we would collectively take it from you if we could. I'm so glad you were surrounded by friends last night, and I hope you feel the love and prayers today of the rest of us who have grown to care about you and your precious family.

Anonymous said...

I just came across your blog from a comment you left on the Sullengers blog. I just have to tell you that after reading through many of your posts, I am amazed at your strength and your spirituality. I love your testimony that you share over and over and hope that I can grow to be as strong as you someday. I am a new mother and pray that I will be as good of a mother as you are to your sweet children. Thank you for being so open and willing to share.

Anonymous said...

i think part of the grieving will be for the rest of our lives. theres always the what if's and why.. this is only human nature i know with my child that was abused i go through the same emotions. the what if, why, how did i not see it i was blind, why didnt i do this ... why didnt i do that. i have my days as well. when i look at my child and see the huge transformations and the growth in he/she i have to sit back and be grateful and know that the lord has touched us.
growth is what you want to see, stephanie you have grown... i see it in your post. your little angel is watching over you.. your such and example and a loving mother and you have touched many lives.

Anonymous said...

I still think about you.

i said...

when i was with you last night i had no clue you had felt yuck that day. i'm sorry.

it just reminds me that we really have no clue what people are really going through so it is soo important to be kind.

what wonderful perspective you have. what a privilege to understand all that you have been through, especially the thoughts of your heart. thank you.

Bonnie said...

Thank you so much for sharing! My son has been dead for eleven years and it was only about two years ago that I went through that anger stage of grief. I suppose some form or other of grief will never end in this life, but I love what you do with your grief, you have let it shape and soften you. You have let it turn you to the Lord. You have graciously shared with your readers, and comforted untold people. Some months ago my daughter-in-law had a miscarriage, which she grieved over a lot and I sent her to you, through your blog! You have helped her more than you know, thank you sweet Stephanie, just know I understand and, that though we will probably never meet in this life,I love you!

Anonymous said...

Again, Stephanie, your courage inspires.

Rach said...

I think we're destined to cycle through this until we meet our babies again.

I'm so sorry you had such a horrible day. :o(