Gratitude Day 9

I miss my Miamaids tonight. It is the first mutual night that I have been home and no longer have the job of going. So tonight I give my nod of gratitude to the amazing young women I have had the privilege of serving over the years.

I have been so blessed to watch them grow and learn and become themselves. It is amazing thing to watch. It is even more amazing to once in a blue moon feel like you make any sort of a positive difference in their lives. I cherish the times a young woman has come to me and told me that a lesson I gave or something I did or said to her made any positive difference.

I am especially grateful to have spent the last almost three years with young women whose lives and problems and concerns have helped me survive after Camille's accident. It was a strange things going back to church after Camille died. She died on a Sunday, Father's Day. Her funeral was the following Saturday. Then we went to church the next day.

We felt all the eyes on us. I had never had that before. It was weird. But we also felt all the love and concern that came through all those eyes. That was so appreciated. I will admit that it was a bit hard to focus for a while those first weeks in Young Women's. But after a short while I came to see what a blessing it was to concern myself with the the Young Women's issues and lessons.

Working with the young women kept my focus on simple truths and basic standards that I could work on and rely on and live. And the young women themselves didn't want to delve into an attempt to comfort me or ask about my grief. I could share when I felt it was appropriate and know that they would just be themselves with me afterward.

I am not sure that makes much sense but being with the young women was the absolute best place to be. Being with children is sometimes hard because they have no filter and don't know enough to not ask or say things that are sharp to the wounded heart. Not that I ever blame them, but it is still tender to have to explain to a child what happened and they often want to know and understand better.

And being with women is a mixed bag. So many don't know what to say. Often people don't even realize that something they say means something entirely different than they intended to you. Or it just takes you back to a place in your heart or mind that you really don't want to go. Women can be WONDERFUL or not so much.

Young women, on the other hand, have enough tact and discretion to know to avoid certain questions and often don't really talk about it at all because they realize they can't relate. Instead they focus on their own lives and problems. Which helped me get out of my own deep waters and swim in their more gentle seas.

I am grateful to my girls. I still think of them as such. I am not sure I ever won't. I hope they are enjoying their new leader, but I miss them and love them and I am grateful for the love and joy they have given to me.

Gratitude Day 8

Today I am giving my gratitude nod to my home. I am so grateful for the house we purchased almost 3 years ago and the home it has become to me and my family. Even in this economic time when my house and most others in this valley have lost so much of their monetary value, in my heart this home is worth every penny we paid for it.

I love my home. I feel like my house is in so many ways a reflection of me. It isn't a flashy home. It doesn't have architectural details that make it beautiful or interesting or different from the others on the street. But it is highly functional and well thought out. It has ample living space for our needs and an abundance of storage space. It has a large warm kitchen, which to me is the heart of any home, that has plenty of space to feed and entertain our family, friends, and neighbors.

It is filled with children and all the accessories that come with them. It is filled with music and musical instruments. It is filled most of the time with peace and love despite the noise and chaos and craziness of everyday life. It is almost always clean yet also almost always disorganized and somewhat messy. (Did that make sense? There is a difference to me between messy - not picked up - and dirty - not clean.)

Most of all it is one of the few places where ALL my children still have their mark. From finger prints on the sliding glass door to handprints in the cement outback. Through toys on the ground, coats and shoes that didn't get put away properly, special blankets hanging around, and photos of memories up on the walls, there is evidence of ALL five of my children all through this home. And I love it.

I am grateful for the comfort it has given me and the warmth and cool it provides in the extremes of our weather. I am grateful that it is a soft place for me and my family to come to when the world outside it rough. I am grateful for the Spirit that fills it. I am grateful to have such a nice place to call my home.

Gratitude Day 7

Today I am very grateful that Noble is officially 18 months old. Not only I am grateful that he is still alive and well and healthy at 18 months, but I am also grateful that he now gets to go to Nursery at church. That means I can actually go to class and learn a thing or two at church. Jon is one of our gospel doctrine (sunday school) teachers so I finally get to go hear him teach.

I have been taking him in to nursery for a while just to get him used to it. He does well in there and I think he will be fine now that I am leaving him there. He likes the nursery leaders. That goes a long way. So I am grateful I will now be able to go to all of church without hanging out in the hallways during class.

Jon and I were talking on our drive last night about how much work it is to have a baby or one or two year old. He noted how Noble was as much work as all three of our older girls. It is true. They are labor intensive. I then told him how before Camille died I used to just see this time as a chore to get through. I love ages when kids can talk and say fun things. Now however, I am treasuring this time with Noble. I treasured his first 14 months because they were all I got with Camille and I wish I had treasured them more with her when I had them. I was so much in survival mode with 4 small children aged 5 and under that I just was getting through that first year.

I am treasuring every day after because each is a day I never got with Camille. We never got to take her to nursery at church. She never had a primary teacher. She never ran around the halls at church. So I am treasuring each of these stages with Noble now -- because I can. I am grateful to see Noble turn 18 months and all that comes with that.

Gratitude Day 6

Today I am grateful for music. Music has power. It can sway emotions to follow it so much more effectively than words alone. It soothes my children when they are upset. It lifts my spirits when I am down. It can humble me to the core.

I am so thankful to have married into a musical family and that my children have musical talent. I have always loved music. It is one of the things that brought Jon and I together in friendship and the first thing that really made me notice him.

We have been listening to the Sound of Music in the car for the past 3 or 4 days. It has such great music. It has been so fun to hear the girls singing along to all the songs. I love musicals, especially those old classics.

I remember one day after Camille died and we had just learned some devastating news about my husband's job that looked like it would impact our finances greatly. I felt so down. I felt like there was no way I could even get myself up. This was just weeks after Camille's death and I just felt this financial blow was more than I could handle at the time. I spent an hour in my closet devastated on my knees in prayer. I called my parents to try to somehow get some help to emotionally go on. Nothing seemed to help.

Finally I told myself that no matter what, I still had kids to care for and I needed to go out and be their mother. It was all I could do to go out of my room that day. My tear stained faced was red and swollen and I was struggling to put any sort of a smile on for the kids. Then I thought about music. I told the kids we needed to watch Hello Dolly.

I popped in the DVD and before long I was singing along to "Put on Your Sunday Clothes." For the time the music was playing I was able to forget my woes and feel the joy of the music. I have always loved Hello Dolly ever since I was a little girl. But I think that music will forever hold a special place in my heart now. I thank the Lord for Music tonight.

Gratitude Day 5

Today I am grateful for good health. I have always teased that I was the gimp of my family growing up. I was the only kid that needed glasses, the only one that had asthma, and the only one with allergies. The allergies made me miserable nearly all spring and fall in Vegas growing up.

Now that I am older, I still need glasses or contacts and still have asthma and allergies but I know that my health and strength is a blessing to me. I am so grateful that I almost always feel well and whole. I am such a wimp about not feeling well. I am utterly amazed at people who live in chronic pain and are still able to smile or be nice to anyone.

I am grateful that all my major organs work well and that I have strength and health to do all that is required of me each day. What at major blessing our good health is everyday. We often take it for granted until we don't feel well. So today I am giving my nod to good health. If you are in good health, say a prayer of thanks for it today.

Gratitude Day 4

I am going to go much more shallow here in my gratitude nod. But after spending 4.5 hours driving in California traffic today I am very grateful for carpool lanes and little people who fill my car so I can use them. Seriously. The traffic in So. Cal is NOT one of the things I miss about living down here.

On the other hand I do miss my 2 brothers and their wives and families so much and being here makes me remember the days when we would see them more. I loved carpool lanes back then too. :)

I guess I should also give a nod to paved roads and cars. My travels today would have been MUCH worse without them. :)  I am very grateful to be born in the age or air conditioning, indoor plumbing, cars, and telephones. All really good things that make my life easier.

Gratitude Day 3

Well, what should I note on my Gratitude Journey today? My gratitude for no lines at Disneyland? My gratitude for fun family times? My gratitude for our safety today and no lost kids? All good thoughts but tonight the thing that is really sticking in my head is my gratitude for the Savior. I know. It is a far cry from the fun day at Disneyland.

But tonight after we got home, I was helping my brother memorize some scriptures and we got into an interesting discussion about one of the scriptures (D&C 19:15-20). He was remembering it by the fact that it was all about suffering. But really the main point of the scripture is how important repentance is. All the suffering the Savior did that He describes in those verses, He did so that we might not have to suffer if we would but repent.

I thought about Him tonight as we talked and about the suffering he went through for me ... ME. I am grateful for his suffering for me that I might not have to suffer. Tonight I am going to get down on my knees with a more earnest heart and show Him my gratitude by repenting - recommitting - and living more fully in remembrance.

Doctrine and Covenants Section 19: 15-20

  15 Therefore I command you to repent—repent, lest I smite you by the rod of my mouth, and by my wrath, and by my anger, and your sufferings be sore—how sore you know not, how exquisite you know not, yea, how hard to bear you know not.

  16 For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;

  17 But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I;

  18 Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—

  19 Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men.

  20 Wherefore, I command you again to repent, lest I humble you with my almighty power; and that you confess your sins, lest you suffer these punishments of which I have spoken, of which in the smallest, yea, even in the least degree you have tasted at the time I withdrew my Spirit.

Gratitude Day 2

I know you are expecting me to say I am grateful for democracy or something along those lines. And I am grateful for that. But just to be a bit unexpected I am going to make my gratitude nod for the day to my kids. And though I am grateful for my kids on many, many levels and for many reasons, today I am extraordinarily grateful for their work ethic.

We left town today. Before we left I had a LONG do list. So did Jon. So I called a family meeting early in the morning before family prayers. I showed the kids the do list and they started tackling it with me. They did almost every single item on my list that they could do. They couldn't write Jon's press releases for me. They couldn't pack my clothes for me. They couldn't vote for me or deposit checks for me. Or pick up my perscriptions etc...

But they could pick up the whole house. And they did. They could clean out the car. And they did. They could help me finish up the laundry. And they did. Today I was and still am grateful for their help around the house. It means I get to come home to a fresh, clean home. And that makes Mama VERY happy. Just ask them.

Gratitude Day 1

I am going to take a page out of my friend Molly Jackson's book and do a month of Gratitude posts. I may post about other things as well as they come up, but I really want to focus this month on all that I am so grateful for in my life.

Today it is my husband. He has been at work pretty much all day. I know he is stressing out about a big conference he has this weekend in L.A. I could sit around and complain that he works too much or whatever. But, frankly, in this economy, I am glad he has work enough to do. I am grateful for his sacrifice of his time and effort to provide for our family without complaint.

I am grateful that he is on my team through hard things. I am grateful that he is fun and silly because even when he isn't around to be fun and silly his genes provide that in our home through his children. I am grateful he takes care of himself physically so that he can be around for a long, long time. I am grateful that he so often lets me win when we disagree. And I am grateful that he cares about what seem to me as the less important things (or perhaps my brother Morgan would tell me that if I had read Stephen Covey I would say the less urgent but still important things) - like whether or not the inside of the microwave is clean - because somebody has to care about those things and in this house that isn't me. I am pretty much all about things urgent.

I am grateful that he loves me. For that I thank the Lord for turning Jon's heart to me. And I thank Jon for keeping it focused there ever since.

My Home, My Haven

Last night we went to our ward Trunk or Treat. We combined with the neighboring ward for this activity. There were ... a lot of people. Our ward has about 250-300 active members I think. I would guess the neighboring ward is similar if not slightly bigger. Now not everyone came to this activity but enough did that it felt like craziness to me.

I don't know if I have ever mentioned how I don't do well in crowds. I hate crowds. They make me feel claustrophobic. I didn't feel that way last night only because we were outside and I could find my own personal space. But that many people still is less enjoyable to me than a smaller group. I feel it is easier to meet people and get to know new people in a smaller group.

Last night I was just trying to make sure we kept track of all our kids and didn't hit any kids as we pulled in and out of the parking lot. I am sure we handed out at least 400 pieces of candy to boot. With that amount of "trick or treaters" you hardly have time to admire costumes. Though it was fun to see Noble handing candy out to the many bags raised to our trunk.

Anyway, I came home feeling frazzled. We put kids and ourselves straight to bed. I knelt to say my nightly prayers and I thanked the Lord for my home. When the world frazzles me or upsets me in some way, I am grateful to be able to fall into the soft place of my home and know that in these walls we are all okay. We all love each other even if we have quibbles now and then. We are united as a family and each of us would be there for another if we needed love or support. We aren't perfect and we certainly don't always have peace in our home. But at the end of the day the Love wins out and we are all okay and we can all find peace in that.

I thought back over the years at some really hard things I have gone through. And in almost every case I have found a sanctuary from the storm in the walls of my own home and the arms and hearts of my little family. They make every falling out with a friend or bad day at work feel better and less important. They saved me from constant sorrow when Camille died. They have loved me even when I have screwed up. They are my soft place to fall when life gets rough. And I am just grateful that my home is a haven to my soul. I hope as the years go by, my children will feel this as well as their lives get hormonal and bumpy.

Books

With all the travel time to and from DC I finished a couple of books that I would highly recommend. First up was the sequel to the Maze Runner -- The Scorch Trials by James Dashner. It was as good as the Maze Runner and didn't leave me on some cliff hanger where I am mad not to have the 3rd book yet. The third book comes out next year I think. I am really enjoying this series and I look forward to having my questions answered when I read number three next year. If you liked Hunger Games I am fairly certain you would like this series as well. Check it out.

Second up was the Book Thief by Markus Zusak. If you love beautiful, creative language that will help you see ordinary things in a new way AND a compelling story told from an unusual point of view, you will love this book. It is based in Germany during World War II. So it involves Nazis and Jews and Germans. But it tells its story from a fresh perspective that I had never explored before. Granted I hadn't read many books about this time period but the few I had read focused so much on what the Jews experienced in this terrible time. This book looks at the same story from a poor little German girl's perspective. And the narrator is Death itself - you know, the Grim Reaper.

I loved and I mean LOVED the language in this book. There were so many ways the author described everyday things like weather or feelings or hair color that painted such a vivid image in my mind and helped me see new things in the everyday. I loved the characters with all their complexity and realism.  Zusak was amazing in this work and it has made me ready to go see what else he has written.

These two are worth putting on your "to read" list.

Released

Today I was released from my calling to work with the Young Women in our ward. For those who are not LDS - we are given "callings" or jobs to do to help out at church. These "calls" are issued by the bishop typically and are inspired of the Lord. We work in a calling until the Lord inspires the Bishop that we are needed elsewhere or that someone else needs to have the blessings of doing our job or until our life makes it not possible to continue doing our calling.

Some callings have a typical time frame. Bishops for an example generally serve for 5 years. The woman who leads the women's organization or the Relief Society generally serves for about 3 years. Other callings can be for a year or two or shorter. The time frames are all subject to inspiration and the personal circumstances of the person in the calling.

I had been serving in the Young Women's for almost 3 years. That is a long time to be in Young Women's because it is a busy calling. So I wasn't too surprised when I got home from D.C. and the bishop called me into his office to let me know I would be released today.

Today I taught my last lesson. It was a fun one. The topic was not a super spiritual one - preventing disease. So we played a game of Jeopardy with it. It was nice to have a light hearted lesson when we all had heavy hearts knowing it was our last time together like that. I hate goodbyes. I am no good at them. I don't usually feel them till after they happen. I remember saying goodbye to my best friend when he left on his mission. He was in tears saying goodbye and I was happy and normal. I felt bad that I wasn't more emotional. He left for his mission the next day. The next week I was in tears missing him and not just being able to call him. It always hits me after the fact.

I know I will miss working in Young Women's. No where else in the ward do you get to watch lives change like that. I love the young women of our ward and I will be sad to not see them as regularly. But in my heart they will always be mine. Love doesn't get "released" when you do. It survives. It survives absence and distance and time. It even survives death.

Date Night

We have come to another weekend. I love weekends. I love my clean house on Fridays. And after a seeming eternity I am finally feeling well enough at night to possibly even enjoy a night out with my hubby. I haven't had a babysitter in so long. 

Yesterday one of my awesome young women stopped by to drop off some cookie dough I bought from her for a school fundraiser. After I closed the door the girls all came downstairs in the PJs from their bed to see who it was. After I told them who it was Lauren said, "Mom, can't you call her back to babysit us? I miss her. We don't ever get to play with babysitters anymore." It was really cute. And it just pointed out to me how long it really has been since my days of weekly date nights. Time to get back at that I think. 

What do you like to do on your date nights? Jon and I love to go out to eat. We just love good food. But sometimes I think it would be fun to do something different for a change. Got any ideas for me? I think maybe we will head to the temple this weekend. We'll see.

D.C.

I still haven't gotten the photos from Jon's phone of our trip yet but I will post a few of them when I do. For now I just want to list all the things we did in DC and maybe I will take some time to write the details of our adventure little by little.

Wed Oct. 13 - Fly all day. Miss our connecting flight. Make it to DC. Take the Metro to our hotel. Take a taxi to Union Station. Eat southern food there. Show the girls around the building. Walk the 2 miles back to the hotel via the Capitol and Mall. By the end we were all pooped but the girls were troopers.

Thurs Oct. 14 - Raining. Cab to the White House Tour (Sabrina got a tummy ache in line so Jon had to take her back to the hotel.) Meet the white house dog during the tour. Walk to the Smithsonians. Meet up with Jon and a "feeling all better" Sabrina at the Natural History Museum. See fossils, mammals, rocks, gems, the Hope Diamond, hold insects, eat lunch, and under the sea exhibits. Walk to Air and Space Museum. Look at all the cool planes and rockets. Kids play in the How things fly exhibit. Participate in the paper airplane flying contest. Sabrina comes in 2nd place. Walk to the National Gallery. Enjoy the art (well all except Annie who thought that part was boring.) Sit on the steps outside the National Gallery debating where to go get dinner. Decide on Spike Mendelsohn's Good Stuff Eatery. Good call on the food. Great burgers, awesome sweet potato fries and shakes ... don't even get me started on how incredible the shakes were. YUMMM. Cab back to the hotel for journaling and book reading before bed.

Fri Oct. 15 - American History Museum. First Ladies dresses exhibit, transportation exhibit, presidents exhibit, the Star Spangled Banner, Kids play at Invention at play exhibit, lunch there at the museum, Spark lab learning about how much sugar there is in drinks and candy. Capitol tour by Harry Reid Interns. Georgetown Law Center Campus tour. Geez they have certainly added perks in the last 10 years. Wish they had a swimming pool when I was there. Dinner at Art Smith's restaurant Art and Soul. Southern food goes high end. Cab to hotel for journaling, book reading and bed.

Sat Oct. 16 - Rent car. Eastern Market for our best breakfast of the trip. French toast like no other. Miss it  already. Zoo. See Pandas up close eating. See elephants, tiger, lion, orangutans, and lots of reptiles and small mammals. Lauren laughs for 10 minutes at turtles trying to eat each other. National Cathedral. Lebanese food for lunch. Everyone tries baba ganoush. Back to the American History Museum for more play time in the Invention playroom. Picnic on the mall of PB&Honey and fruit for dinner. Sunset at the Lincoln Memorial. Back to hotel for journaling, and reading and bed.

Sun Oct. 17 - Eastern Market Pastries for breakfast, check out of hotel, go to temple visitors center and see temple, go to spanish sacrament meeting next door, picnic PB&H at temple. Arlington National Cemetary, tomb of unknown soldier changing of the guard, Kennedy gravesite. Drive to our friends the Speckarts house to "check in" to the Speckart hotel. Dessert party with them and the Sherinians. Catching up with old friends.

Mon Oct. 18 - Take Jon to Dulles for day trip to Boston on business. Drive to Mt. Vernon. Do kids treausure map tour and learn about George Washington. Play in the kids learning center. The girls dress up as colonial kids, do puzzles, have a tea party and learn about GW. Dinner in the Mt. Vernon restaurant featuring authentic colonial time food. Everyone tries peanut/chestnut soup. Lauren feels not well so we leave. She feels better 20 mins. later after a small nap in the car. National Harbor, play and photos at the Awakening Statue. See a wedding happen there. Ben and Jerry's ice cream and Cake Love cupcakes. Back to Speckarts for dinner and playing on the tree swing in the back yard. Jon comes back from Boston. Talking to friends and packing up to be ready for early morning flight home.

Tues Oct. 19 - Up at 5:45 for 8 a.m. flight. Return rental car and fly home.

It was a jam packed adventure. The kids were troopers with all the walking involved. I was surprised at how well they handled it. I think they were like the dogs in the Movie Up. Everytime we saw a squirrel Lauren would yell "SQUIRREL!" and they would all start chasing till the squirrel found a tree or bush. We got some sweet video of that. In all there is just too much to do in DC in such a short time.

We're Back!

We just got back from our SO fun vacation to D.C. So much to tell. I'll be posting about that soon. The girls all got better by the morning we had to fly out and no one got sick on our trip! Yeah!!! What a blessing. Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers.

Another bonus was that I didn't feel sick our whole trip. Perfect timing for the nausea to go away. We ate some great food that has totally popped my belly out. I feel like I am looking more pregnant than fat now. I'll post photos soon.

We were all most excited to see Noble the whole way home. It was rather anticlimactic for me as Sabrina and Lauren saw him first and he gave them hugs as Sabrina picked him up. Then they turned around so he could see me and ... nothing. He wouldn't even come to me but just wanted to stay with Sabrina. I finally pulled him into my arms and he just whined to go back to Saby. I guess I am glad he likes Sabrina so much. Maybe he was mad at me for leaving him for so long. Who knows. He warmed up to give me kisses after a few minutes.

Jon got a MUCH better reaction with laughs and giggles and cries of "Dada!!!" He has been following Jon around ever since. He snuggled Annie's head as she laid it in him lap on the ride home. He looks so big and so darn BLOND to me. I am so excited to be with him again.

I feel relaxed and refreshed and happy. And now I am excited to go to Mutual tonight and do my Clue game. It is going to be fun! Can't wait.

A night of prayer

Well the rest of yesterday was a VAST improvement from the morning. We got things turned around and peace restored in the home. I have to say nothing tempers the temper for me better than so really good music and my Mormon Tabernacle choir was performing miracles in my heart yesterday.

I worked hard all day and was just beat by 8:30 when I finally sat down. The two younger girls were just getting out of the bath and Sabrina had just finished the last of her homework. Then Lauren came down still wrapped in her towel... and threw up all over the floor. Luckily she was on tile. I am usually pretty good about throw up but my sensitive nose was having a hard time so I called in Jon. Apparently it was just that my nose was sensitive because we just about had a family throw up party right there.

Between the two of us tag teaming we got Lauren and the floor cleaned up. The older girls had to put themselves to bed as we nursed Lauren. At around 9:30 Jon went to bed. Lauren continued to throw up every 30 minutes or so till 4 a.m. Then Noble was awake and jumping in his bed till 4:30 and then Annie came in to tell me she had to go to the bathroom at 5:17.

Lauren seems to be feeling a bit better since 4 a.m. She has kept a bit of water down. I think I prayed the whole night that she would get better quickly and no one else would get sick. I don't know how we could do our trip to DC (which we leave for tomorrow) with the stomach flu.

Hopefully Lauren will feel well today so I can finish prepping for our trip today. And hopefully sometime today I will manage to fit in a solid nap.

**************************UPDATE***********
Ann Marie started trowing up at 8 a.m. Luckily she still had a relatively empty stomach and she hasn't thrown up again. Both Lauren and Annie are already feeling lots better (a little weak but no longer nauseous.) Now we are all just praying like mad that it doesn't hit any of the rest of us.

Disappointed

Today Satan hit hard and he won. I lost my temper and had my own childish meltdown at my kids. Now they are in school and I am trying to regroup and change (repent) enough to be able to make peace once more in my home when they come home.

The worst part about all of this is that I know better - so much better. It kills me that I can let this happen after knowing and learning all I did from the Spirit about home and how a home can and SHOULD feel.

Disappointed in my kids and even way more disappointed in myself -- the 35 year old who had a temper tantrum today. Thankfully the Savior has made repentance possible. I owe Him .... everything.

Exciting News!

We took a little trip to the 4D Ultrasound store down the street. 




Some of us couldn't wait till next month to find out if Snickerdoodle 






is a Boy or a Girl.




And we found out...




That Noble is getting...




A BABY BROTHER!!!


We are thrilled beyond words for Noble to have a little buddy to play trucks and cars and ball with. He keeps patting me as if to tell me, "Good job Mama!"

LuLu's On the Move

Remember my pastry chef friend Chris??? You know the guy who has created such amazing desserts for us as the "Waite"less root beer float or pomegranate souffle? Well he is starting a new venture teamed up with the guys from the amazing Metro Pizza. They are rolling out a Food Truck that will travel to the different Metro Pizza Locations with a breakfast menu that will have you drooling.

Kick off day is tomorrow 10-10-10 at the Henderson Metro Pizza Location at Stephanie and Horizon Ridge. On the menu??? Sourdough Waffles, Muffin Tops, Coffee Cake, Beignets (LOVE THOSE), Hot Chocolate and Coffee.

I am so excited for Chris to start this new adventure and to become a regular LuLu's Stalker. :)

To find out about all that is going on with LuLu and where LuLu is headed to next see her twitter page HERE.

Never Far

Today I got some photos I ordered for a school project for Lauren from Costco. This picture was in the bunch. Jon handed it to me and said, "That's my girl." I took it and looked at it. I still want to just jump back into that picture and grab her and hug her. 

It has been 2 years and almost 4 months. The world, and life has moved forward. I am fairly certain that Camille is not the first thing people think about now when they see me. I am happy for that. And my life is progressing. I don't cry about Camille every day or every week or even every month. Perhaps part of that is because I just don't talk about her (and especially about her passing) as often anymore. That is bitter sweet. I wish I had stories to tell about her and could include her in telling people the fun things my kids are doing. But I don't miss all the crying and I still can't talk much about her passing without crying. 

But the reality is that she is never far away. I think about her everyday - several times a day- and not usually in a sad and weepy sort of way. I just think of her. I wonder what she is doing. I wonder what she looks like as an angel. I wonder what it would be like to see her. I hold Noble and love his little body twice over for her. I insist on double kisses from him. I wonder if he still remembers her. And every night as I lay in my bed waiting to fall asleep I think of her again, and I try to avoid thinking of the fateful day she left our home. 

I write this because I want this to be a true record of where I am on this journey. Time has dulled the sharp intensity of the pain and longing for me. But it has not erased the desire and she is still in my heart and in my mind every single day.

Feeding the Missionaries

Yesterday I was scheduled to feed the missionaries (as well as my regular dinner group families). So I had a big beefy crock pot dinner planned. The night before I reminded myself around 8 p.m. to put the beef in the crock pot before bed so it would have all night to cook for the next day.

At 10 p.m. I went to bed. I didn't think about the beef any time after 8. I took a Unisom to help with the nausea and help me sleep. And in my sleep I began to dream - vivid pregnant dreams. At 1:30 I woke up with a start from a dream that I forgot to get my beef into the crock pot and didn't have time to cook it.

Sometimes we just get little miracles. And I really appreciated this one. I got up and went downstairs and put my beef in the crock pot and started it cooking. It was perfectly done for dinner last night. French dip sandwiches are one of my favorite meals and last night they hit the spot. I am excited for leftovers for lunch today. I made caramelized onions and sauteed mushrooms to go on top. All on fresh Great Buns French rolls made that morning. Yummy. Maybe I won't wait till lunch. Maybe I will have one for breakfast.

Then I made these for dessert. They are officially called "Better than Crack Brownies." Now Jonathan says that that is not a good name because really ANYTHING is better than Crack. Have you ever seen someone on Crack? Who wants that??? He has a valid point.

But how can you go wrong with so much peanut butter and chocolate goodness in one dish? My mind was loving these last night. My tummy was wondering where a nice juicy apple was. You should know that these are incredibly rich though. Just saying...

Yes those are Reese's Peanut Butter cups in the middle. 

The recipe can be found HERE.

My Favorite

Which was your favorite talk during conference? Any favorite points made?

My favorite talk was the first one. Elder Holland almost always has one of my favorites. This time it seemed his talk was just one big THANK YOU. I guess just the way I have been feeling lately, it fed me. I wiped silent tears from my face throughout his entire talk. I loved the quote where he said, "I am trying to be voice for the very angels of heaven, in thanking you for every good thing you have ever done, for every kind word you've ever said, for every sacrifice you've ever made, in extending to someone, to anyone, the beauty and blessings of the gospel of Jesus Christ."

His talk just made me want to try that much harder and be that much better at home, at church in my calling, and personally. I loved that he spoke thanking the members and that the prophet spoke on how we need to be grateful. I found there to be so much balance like that in this conference. Like the talk on living a consecrated life and using our time and agency wisely. That one made me feel like I better be doing more and better things with my time. It was followed by President Uckdorf reminding us to keep these simple and stick to the basics - that the fundamentals are what really matter. I felt the two talks back to back tempered each other and gave us a fairly complete idea of how we ought to spend our time.

I loved the talk by Elder Jensen (I stand corrected. It was Elder Larry Lawrence and his WHOLE talk was AMAZING. Elder Jensen's was also good and I will be using it in a lesson I am preparing for my young women.) where me mentioned that sleepovers can be dangerous. It is the first time I have heard that over the pulpit but that has been a rule I have established for our family. I used to go to sleepovers as a kid. But my mother in law who raised 9 children once told me that if she could go back and do one thing different she would not have allowed sleepovers either at her house or others. She didn't expound but I took her statement seriously and have followed her advice. When my kids have been asked to sleepover I tell them (or their very insistent friends) what their grandmother told me and they I just say, "I don't know exactly why Grandma said it but she raised lots of kids and I trust she knew what she was talking about so we are going to follow her advice." Hearing Elder Jensen talk about all the sins he had heard happened at sleepovers when he was a bishop just solidified my mother in laws advice for me.

I thought the talk to the parents was wonderful. I think living the standards we set for our youth in the For the Strength of the Youth pamphlet as parents in critical. How can we ask our youth to keep modest standards of dress, clean music and wholesome media enjoyment, and clean language usage when we are not doing the same?

My kids really grasped onto the analogy of the fishing lure and how Satan would like to catch us with his lures of sin. We had a great talk about that Elder Ballard talk afterward.

I love conference. I feel I have been richly nourished and wisely instructed. Let me know what your favorite parts were.

Answer to Prayer

Today I had a wonderful experience that made me just feel so ... known, heard, and loved.

As you can probably tell from some of my posts lately, I have been stressing about all that I have to do with YW lately. It has really been weighing on me. So the other night I was praying about all of it and really trying to have a good attitude but also trying to be somewhat realistic. I have had times where church callings have stressed me out before. Planning major events tends to stress me out. And somehow the Lord has always helped me out and been my partner when I turn to Him. So that is exactly what I did.

"Father, I can't do all this. It is simply more than I can do. I need help. This is Your work and I know you want the best for these girls. So I am turning this over to You. You find me the help I need to make this happen and I will work my best to do all I can. I am turning it over to You."

I felt confident that somehow, in someway, the Lord would provide. I got into bed that night and ideas started to come to me about some aspects of our YW in excellence program that would really be special and wonderful for the girls. I thought, "well this is good help, but if He is giving me inspiration as help I guess I am going to have to carry out the leg work."

We are planning to do a skit for this program and the date was up in the air as I am scheduled to be out of town for the night we had it penciled down. I was waiting on my advisor to let me know if she could run it without me or if we would have to move it to an alternate date when I would be in town but she would be gone.

The next day I worked on Clue and banged that out. YW in Excellence was still weighing on me, but I was too tired to work on it. I heard back from my advisor that she thought she could run it the week I would be gone (which was a better week anyway) and although I will be really sad to miss the night, I was glad we could do it on this better date and that she would bear the burden of making it happen that night.

Still I had the skit to worry about and all the other assignments to make. I really wanted someone who was going to be there that night do the skit just in case something went wrong or needed help that night. But I was uncertain I could burden my advisor with any more than I already was. But somehow the Lord would help us get it done. Of that I was confident.

Today I took my materials over to watch conference at our Personal Progress Leader's house with several of the young women. After the morning session I was going over the PP Leader's responsibilities for that night with her. The young women were milling around. I asked our PP leader to let me know where the girls were in their progress. She told me one of the young women who was sitting a few feet from us was just one project shy of earning her medallion. I told her she HAD to be done by that night so we could present her with her award then.

The PP leader told her she would have to find a different project for her Faith value because there would not be time to grow flowers between now and then. She looked over some of the options and there was one about writing a skit or play. The PP Leader asked me if this highly responsible laurel could take over the skit portion of our YW in Excellence night and do that as her project. The laurel was SO excited and totally wanted to do it. I giddily handed over my materials and gave her instructions and told her to make it her baby. I told her she was literally an answer to my prayers for help.

I have felt so much better since I handed that over to her. I know she will do a great job with it. It will help her finish her Personal Progress and it means so much less burden for me and my advisor. I am just so thankful tonight for a Father who knows me and loves me and truly does answer my prayers for help even beyond what I expected. I feel to shout Hallelujah!

HALLELUJAH!!!

Clue Explanation

I have emailed the Clue documents to many of you. I thought I should give a bit more explanation.

We will play very much like the board game but the kids will be the game pieces. So in the beginning of the activity I will divide the group into 6 teams (they may or may not be called by the names of the Characters of the Book of Mormon.) Each team will be assigned a leader.

I will pick randomly one card (one of the documents is the cards that need to be cut out) from each of the categories. These three cards will be the answer of who where and with what. All 6 leaders will get to see and know the answers so they will be able to answer to their teams accusations. I will then deal the remaining cards out to the 6 teams. They will each get 3 cards. This will just help move the game along a bit faster.

I will have classrooms assigned to each Book of Mormon Place with a sign on the door (one of the document is signs for the doors that need to be cut in half. Each team's leader will have a copy of the trivia questions and the page with their directions on how to be the leader and the two lists of possible people weapons and places (with classrooms filled in). There are two lists in case there is time to play twice. They are meant to be able to cross out ones they know are wrong as they find those out.

We will start in the gym and each team will have to there answer a trivia question before they can go to their first place to make their accusation. Once in the room they make their accusation and their leader reveals one of the wrong aspects as noted in the leaders directions. The team MUST move to a different room to make a new accusation. If they want to return to that room they must first go to another room, make an accusation and then come back. They must answer a trivia question to move to a new room.

Okay hope that all makes sense. I only have 33 trivia questions because I think they will spend about 3 minutes per accusation and question and all that and we only have 50 minutes to play. I hope that will be plenty of questions for the time alloted.

Hope that all makes sense to you everyone. If anyone wants to post it to Sugardoodle or idea door they are welcome to do so. I am not sure how to do that but I am fine with sharing. :)

Clue and Block Party

I just finished setting up everything for our giant game of Book of Mormon CLUE at the church for our Oct. Young Men and Young Women's combined activity. I hope it will be as fun as I think it can be.

We will play it much like the board game. I have made cards with Book of Mormon People, Weapons and Places. I came up with trivia questions about the Book of Mormon to use as a means of moving from room to room instead of having to roll dice and move spaces. I wish I could upload all my documents here to share with everyone. I mean I have been working on this literally ALL DAY and I would love to have others benefit from my work. But Blogger doesn't allow that I guess.

If you are in Young Women's or Young Men's and want copies, feel free to email me and I will send you all the documents to do this activity in your ward.

As for the Block Party (some have asked for details on our party plans) -- We get two bounce houses (one that has a slide) and we charge $20 per family or $10 per couple to cover the cost. We have those up all day in a central location. We have food. We have done pot luck sides or dessert with a central main dish (burritos one year, pizza, sub sandwiches...) We also provide water or lemonade in big coolers. We will do pizza this time with neighbors either bringing a side dish to share or volunteering to host a carnival booth. Last year we had a Haunted House, a Cupcake walk, a fishing for treasure booth, and many others. I hope we will have some people volunteer to do booths again this year because it was really fun. We decorate treat bags with the little kids and have someone do face painting. I think we may have a cotton candy machine this year. Kids often come in costumes and we get to see everyone. It is a fun day. I organize but everyone who comes helps out and it makes putting the event on pretty easy.

Hope that gives some of you some ideas. Now I get to turn my attention to YW in Excellence. Well, maybe next week I will work on that. This weekend I am looking forward to soaking up as much of General Conference as possible. If you want to check it out you can go HERE. Hope you can catch some of it. Have a great weekend and hopefully you will be able to recharge your batteries like I plan to.

Back at it

Sometimes the best thing you can do when feeling overwhelmed is to go to work. Last night I worked with the kids to get our house in order. That is always a good first step to feeling less frazzled. Now that my house is clean, I am ready to take on the three giant productions I have to put on between Oct. and Nov.

First I am creating a Mormon version of the game Clue for the youth to play at the church with different class rooms being the rooms in which the murder could have happened. I will have Scripture Characters for the team names and trivia questions that if answered correctly will allow them to advance to the next room. I also plan on using scripture time weapons and locations for the other categories. That is my task for tomorrow. Hopefully I can get most of it planned tomorrow.

Next I have to work on Young Women in Excellence and plan out and delegate out all the various responsibilities that will go on with that. I found a cute Princess Bride themed idea online that I think we will use. Hope I can get some dads to help out with it.

And then of course I have the neighborhood block party to pull together for Halloween. I am not sure how many of our neighbors will be around this year as our kids here get Friday, Monday, and Tuesday off school that week. I think many will be out of town. I guess we will see how that pans out as I get the RSVPs back.

So that is what is almost constantly running around in my mind these days - that and fighting the nausea. There is always that too. Nothing to do but get to it. It is the only way to get it off the brain. Tomorrow I plan on doing just that.

Empty

Do you ever have that feeling that you have just been sucked dry? You know that empty feeling of having given all you can give. I have. I do. I am tired. I am ready for a vacation where I don't have to think about my daily responsibilities. No music practices or lessons. No bills to pay. No church calling to worry about.

That last one takes so much out of me. Working in Young Women's is not an easy calling. It is busy and there are lots of things to plan and activities and meeting to attend. But that is not what is hard about it to me. The hard part to me is all about the girls. I love our girls. I mean I really genuinely love them. I worry about them and pray for them. I try to find the right balance between being there for them in a friend sort of way while still being their Young Women's Leader.

That is a difficult balance that is not always in harmony. Ultimately, I have accepted the responsibility to be their Leader and not their "friend" though. They have lots of friends. So when the two roles conflict, I opt to be their leader. I only hope that one day they will understand and appreciate that.

That is the hard part of working with the Young Women. The weight of the love and concern and responsibility. Because it just is that important. THEY are just that important.

I have worked with the different sets of young women for the nearly that last 3 years. We have a great board of leaders that share the load. For that I am grateful. I have a great group right now that have a great chemistry with each other. They are wonderful, smart, really good girls. For that I am grateful.  They are the reason I keep going even when I am tired and feel spent. Because THEY are just that important and they deserve my best.

So tonight I will get some rest. This weekend with General Conference I will recharge my batteries. And then I will jump back into the race and run my best again.

September

I love how quickly September has seemed to fly by. It helps to be busy when you want time to move quickly. And now we are almost to October. I am ready for the cooler weather to kick in. I am ready to decorate for Halloween. I am ready to be far enough into my second trimester to be done with the sickness part. I am ready to find out what we are having (girl or boy). I am ready to take our vacation to DC. All these things are just around the bend in the month of October.

But for now I am trying to motivate myself to start my long Do List for today. It is pretty hard when all I really want to do is sit in my rocking chair and watch Noble right now. He is being so silly. We have a little step. He likes to step up on it. He thinks he is so big. He steps up on it and raises his arms up in the air so proud of himself. Then he says or sings something in his own language loud like an announcer. Wish I knew what he was saying. Then He steps/jumps down and falls to the ground and laughs.

But I have laundry and grocery shopping and banking calling my name. Those I have to get done before I have to pick up Lauren from school. So I guess, since I can't freeze this moment to savor it, I will lock the mental photo in my mind and get to my list.

It is so fun having some alone time with Noble each day. What a gift he is.

Arctic

It has been a few days since my last post. I would like to say I have been too busy. And well... after school I have. (I am trying this new thing of being busy with the girls this year and have signed them up for dance and music lessons. Almost every day of the week we have some after school lesson to go to. So far it has been good for all of us. We'll see how I feel by May.) During the days, however, I have only been busy trying to keep my mind off being sick. Somehow blogging doesn't do the trick. Red Raspberry Ice Breakers gum on the other hand is my new best friend. Anyone know where you can find it in Vegas? I can only find it at Toys R Us and I already bought out their whole stock.

Anyway, so my girls have been busy. They go to school and then their lessons and then practice their music and do their homework and then it is bed time. This means not so much playtime. So today being Saturday (and a Saturday with nothing on our beautiful Calendar) they have had all day to play. And I love that they all love to play together. That was the reason I wanted to have my kids close in the first place. Today they have played musical instruments (they made some out of paper cups and thing). They have played some Wii together. And perhaps my favorite of their games is their newly invented game "Arctic."

They pretended they were all trapped in the Arctic and got all dressed up in their heavy winter jackets and boots and hid out in the igloo (the pantry). They even put Camille's BYU sweatshirt on Noble. It was so tiny on him. It just made me realize what a little bit of a thing she was. We bought it for her the week before she died and it fit her well. He looked giant in her sweatshirt, even though he isn't a big kid at all.

But it was cute to see him playing with his sisters and now well they can play using their imaginations. To me that is the best kind of play ever. 

Little Things I Don't Want to Forget

I have a few things to document that I just don't want to forget about my kids. Bear with me or skip this if you don't really care. ;)

Noble: He loves to GO. When I tell him "Let's Go!" He runs with his little pitter patter feet to the mud room area and points to my purse and then to the garage door. When he is getting into trouble downstairs I ask him if he wants to play with his blocks. He gets a look of "Oh YEAH!" on his face and that little pitter patter of his feet goes over to the stairs to go up to his Mega Block legos. When the door bell rings, again the pitter patter to the front door. When dad's office door opens, the pitter patter to his office. I love the pitter patter. It is the only part of tile floors that I love.

He has a soft heart for anyone crying and is quick to give them a love. He loves to stand at the door and wave goodbye to his sisters as they go to school in the morning. When he is tired he is happy to go upstairs to bed and will wave goodbye to anyone downstairs as we go. He loves to climb and if able to climb on chairs now and smart enough to know if he moves them he can get up on a counter. Scary. Yesterday I followed him upstairs and was in the next room when I heard the water go on in the bathroom. I ran in to find him sitting in the sink fully clothed and turning on the water.

Words: he says "Dad" and "ball" and "Lala" and bellybutton which actually sounds like "BeBu" and he is learning to ruff like a dog. How appropriate that his first animal sound is a dog. :)

Lauren: She likes to tell me she loves me more than a never ending ice cream cone. That is a lot. She loves to cuddle and she makes good friends easily. She likes to do her own hair (which consists of her wetting and brushing it with a really soft brush till it is almost straight in the front.) She likes to come up with interesting outfits. One day she came in ready for school in a striped orange, red, and pink dress with striped pink, white, green, and orange pants. These were not stripes that were meant to be worn together. I said "My you sure are stripey today!" She smiled and said "Yes!" so proud of herself, "even my underwear are stripey!" That sealed it for me. I couldn't tell her to change a thing. Anyone who put that much thought into an outfit deserved to wear it proudly to school.

Annie: She is an eager and wonderful big sister. She loves to help her younger siblings however they will let her. Need help sounding out a word? planning a play? walking to the bathroom? doing a chore? she is there! Noble LOVES Annie. The other day I looked in the rear view mirror and saw she had laid her head down in his lap in his car seat. He had his arms around her giving her loves. She loves to tell stories and be the center of attention with her friends. She likes to say "Well.... " and then make a little smacking sound with her mouth several times and clear her throat a few times before she tells you something. This makes it very easy to do a good impression of her. ;) Dad says she has a black belt in pilates. She will show you her own version of "pilates" moves that seem more like some crazy karate.

Sabrina: Tonight she got home from dance and we were all playing outside. We were waiting for her to come home before we went it. All the kids ran in the house and she went running around the neighborhood picking up all of ours and the neighbor's toys and taking them into our garages before going inside. Once inside she practiced her viola and then as she finished she said "Mom, you and I have a date with the dishwasher." She knew I needed to do the dishes and needed some motivation. She stayed and helped load (not a job she enjoys at all) while I washed the dishes. What can I say? She came this way and I am just trying not to screw her up.

And Snickerdoodle: Just a few pregnancy oddities to note. First I have had strange cravings. I say strange because they are odd for ME. Normally I crave sweets or burgers or not so good for you food. This time, all those things make me sick to even think about! I can't even eat desserts. The only thing that has been steadily safe and so good to me is fresh fruit and good healthy salads. I guess that is good for me. Less weight to gain hopefully. Oh and the craving of the day is funeral potatoes. I will be making them for dinner group this week for sure. Anyone got an awesome recipe for them? I guess I will be googleing that tonight!

Okay, I am off to put those little darlings to bed!

Surprises

I love good surprises. I love to surprise others and I love to be surprised - as long as the surprise is a good one. Jonathan, on the other hand, does not like surprises. He doesn't care much for me trying to surprise him. He never has the "great surprise" reaction I love to see. Even if the surprise is big and I know he likes it. He just smiles and nods.

And I am pretty hard to surprise. I guess I like to feel in the know because most of the time I know something is up when a surprise is coming. Sometimes he does manage to give me a genuine surprise though. Like today when he emailed me from the airport to tell me he was catching an earlier flight home! That is one GREAT surprise! Yipee!

Mom to the Rescue!

My mom has been sick all week. So even though she is in town she has been stuck in bed. I had been planning on her helping me through this week without Jon. But as the days of her illness drug on, I lost hope of seeing her. Then yesterday morning she called and told me she was almost all better and well enough to come help me out.

After the disaster that was Wednesday night (well... mostly it was just a disaster because I was too spent with too much to do) I was ready for some Mama TLC.  She came out in the early afternoon and helped the kids with a school art project all afternoon. I am sure this project would not have happened without her. It was not mandatory but all the girls WANTED to do it. I could not have done it with them alone. They had so much fun making "popcorn art."

Then when I felt sick after dinner she cleaned up and helped the older kids with their homework and music practicing while I took the little kids outside for some fresh air for me and exercise for them. Somehow the fresh air didn't seem to help my nausea so we headed back inside before too long. After I got Noble and Lauren bathed and Noble to bed I laid around while my mom helped the girls finish up all their music practicing and getting ready for bed.

Then we all listened as Nana read to us from her favorite storybook from her own childhood. It had great stories - one for every day of the year. With the kids in bed, I took advantage of having my mom to myself and we watched a little Star Trek together before I went to bed and she headed home. My mom is kind of a Trekie and she has instilled a fondness for that show in me.

All in all it was a great night for me - mostly because my mom was here. Thanks mom!

Here we go ...

Jon is in the big apple for the rest of the week. My conclusion after this night... pregnant ladies should not be left home alone to do all the work of 4 kids. I miss my hubby and the help he gives at night. I am tired and emotional.

Last night the girls had an all out sob session feeling their grief all over in their new ages and understanding. It was a heavy night. Tonight I am feeling the aftershocks of their grief on my own heart. They are my comfort and joy and at the same time they add layers to my grief because I grieve for their loss as well.

How many more days till my anchor comes home?

Great Neighbors

You know neighbors can really make or break any place you live. I grew up in a cul-de-sac my dad built with 4 of his friends. We loved all our neighbors and were welcome to play with any of them anytime. We all took care of each other on that street. It was an ideal way to grow up. It felt like one big extended family all around us.

While there are a few more houses on my street now, and I certainly didn't know my neighbors before I moved in, I feel blessed to have great neighbors in my neighborhood now. I don't know ALL my neighbors but I do know a good percentage of them. And we have a really good neighborly feel with 2 annual block parties and plenty of homes where I can go borrow a cup of sugar or where my kids can find friends to play.

Last night I was feeling sick (like every night). For some reason it just seems that I feel better when I am out in the fresh air so I took the kids out in the street to play. They went across the street like normal to ask our street play friends if they wanted to play.

My neighbors across the street were the first people I met up in this neighborhood. They were one of the first 3 people to move in and were just moving in when I drove the neighborhood one night to show it to my brother who was in town from California. We started talking and they let me come in and show my brother their home. We moved in about 4 months later and we have been great friends ever since.

So last night not only did my neighbors come keep us company and play but when they heard I was feeling crummy and not up to making dinner (thus why we were in the street playing at dinner time) so the kids were going to have to wait till 7:30 when dad got home to do dinner, they fed my kids some of their dinner.

Did I mention I love great neighbors? I LOVE GREAT NEIGHBORS! Thanks to all my neighbors who have been and continue to be such good friends and such great supports to me and mine.

Do you know your neighbors? What can we all do to be great neighbors today?

Great Book

Last week I read a book entitled "the Maze Runner." It was pretty darn page turning. If you read and liked the Hunger Games, you would probably like this book as well. It is the first of a trilogy and the second book is scheduled to be released on Oct. 12. I am looking forward to diving into it.

The book is about a bunch of teenage boys who are trying to survive day to day life in a world they woke up in with their memories wiped out. It is interesting because the voice is from the perspective of the newest addition to their ranks and you discover this world right along with him step by step.

The author, James Dashner, does a great job making you want to keep reading chapter after chapter. I finished this book in about a day and a half. It makes me want to go read what else he has written.

If you are looking for a good page turner to dive into, I highly recommend the Maze Runner.

Sleep

Sweet sleep,

Why do you evade me?

I have offered myself to you with all my strength laid before your feet. 

Yet somehow you will not take me into your sweet embrace

Relieving my mind of its troubles and my heart of its sorrows.

Those packages seem to tied to me to make room for the softness of your companionship.

They seem to follow me even when we do at last find each other in that stillness of the night.

Troubles, BE GONE! Sorrow, save it for tomorrow! 

Tonight I have a date with Sleep and I want to have some quality one on one time. 

There will be plenty of time for us to play,

Awake in the brightness of the day.

Till then all I ask is a night of sweet and blissful, sleep.

Waiting for the big one?

This weekend we went to Utah and we got to spend some sweet time with my dear friend Kami. We were roommates freshman year of college. She got married her second year and we lost touch for years. When I got pregnant with Camille and we were considering the name Camille, I thought about Kami. I knew we would call our child "Cami" if we choose Camille as our name. I knew I would think of Kami since she was the only Cami or Kami I had ever known. I had great association with the name because of her. Still I hadn't talked to her in about 13 years. I wondered what had become of her. 

So I set to finding out. I called another of our roommates and between us we figured out where her parents lived. I called around till I found her parents and then got Kami's number. I called her up and reconnected. I told her of the baby I was having and how I was considering naming her Camille or Cami. I told her I had called to see if her life was in order so I wouldn't be naming my baby after someone who would be a poor model. To my great pleasure, she was still as wonderful as the year we lived together. And we choose the name Camille with confidence. 

I loved spending time around Kami. I love being able to say her name. That may sound weird but sometimes I just want to say the name Cami. I call out Annie and Saby and Lauren and Noble all the time. I don't get to say Cami very often. I miss the sound of her name on my lips. And people can get uncomfortable or worry about you if you are talking about your dead child to them all the time. So it was nice to spend a weekend with our family referring to Kami and going to Kami's house without all the heavy emotion we usually associate with the name. She is one of the few adults I let my children call by first name. 

One night while we were talking, Kami noted how in life she felt her trials had been relatively minor (like a 2 on a scale of 1-10). She expressed a fear or thought that I used to have all the time. The wondering what big trial was coming to you. It seems everyone has their big trial in life. No one escapes without feeling the heat of the refiners fire. And she wondered if I no longer feel that expectation or wonder. Did I feel like I now knew what my big trial was and that nothing harder would come to me. 

I wish I could say I did feel that way. But I am too young and too aware now to think that I am safe from big trials. I hope none will be as hard as this trial of losing a child. But I am painfully aware from my association with other angel mothers that experiencing this doesn't get you some pass to get out of future BIG trials. I thought that tonight as I read THIS most recent update on Sheye's blog about her pregnancy. I wish you could really send a hug through cyberspace.

I am praying for her tonight. I am hoping to have the strength to endure whatever lies ahead. And I am enjoying the blessings I have today knowing life gives us no guarantees. 

A Reminder

Do you ever have those moments when you get slapped across the face with that feeling for your spouse that reminds you exactly why you married them in the first place? I love my husband. We get along really well. He puts up with me and all my crazy moods. And we work well together as a partnership. But today I had one of those moments that just took it to a more focused and heightened level.

I woke up in a sour mood. I had a long do list today. Luckily I felt pretty good this morning and was able to get much of it done before I ate and felt yucky. But I was still in a bad mood. Especially about an upcoming trip we are taking. Jon on the other hand was feeling rather excited about this little trip and was scouting out zip lines and alpine slides and all that to do while we were there.

I was being a downer about it. I just felt like I didn't want to travel when I am feeling so yuck. Jon would not be pulled down with me. His silly optimism is infectious. By mid morning he had perked me up and reminded me of just one more reason I love him so much. He is fun. He makes me happy. He provides the silly we so desperately need around here sometimes. It turned out to be a good day after all. And the thanks for that go to my hubby. Love him.

When Sabrina went to Kindergarten I cried. I wasn't worried about her in anyway. I just knew I was going to miss my little girl. When Annie went to Kindergarten I worried about her. Will she be bored? Will she try to be the teacher? Will they be able to challenge her? When Lauren went to Kindergarten I worried about the teacher. 

I know Lauren will learn things this year and be challenged. I only hope the teacher will have patience with her as Lauren tells her how to run the class. Lauren knows EVERYTHING. Even the things she doesn't know. And she isn't afraid to tell you about it. 

The other night I was making scrambled eggs. I already had the eggs in the pan and mostly beat up. I was just beginning to stir them up. Lauren was watching me. "Mom, you are doing it all wrong. You don't make scrambled eggs that way!" Take note here that she has never made scrambled eggs. She kept telling me I needed to stir it differently. Finally I said "Oh ye of little faith Lauren." To which she replied, "Oh me of little faith Mama. What does that mean anyway?"I told her it meant she didn't believe I could make scrambled eggs well. She said that was right because I wasn't making them right. 

When I finished the eggs everyone ate them and told how good the eggs were ... even Lauren.

After the second day of school I was asking Lauren how her day was. She said good. I tried to get her to elaborate. After asking a few more detailed questions of her without any detailed answers Lauren finally said, "Can you just stop asking me questions and let me think for a minute." I think I have actually said those exact words before. Scary. 

It is like she is a mini me when I was a little kid. But at the same time she also reminds me so much of my grandma Harris. I mean Grandma Harris used to tell my mom (her daughter in law) she wasn't stirring the Jello right. If that doesn't sound like Lauren I don't know what does. So it makes me wonder if I was a mini Grandma Harris when I was a kid. And if so I wonder how my mom felt about that. I guess I will have to ask her about that next time we talk.

I feel lucky to have Lauren. I love having a reminder of myself and my Grandmother in her. And hopefully in time she will learn there are more than a few ways to make scrambled eggs and Jello.

A Dark Cloud with a Silver Lining

I have written about a hundred whiney blog posts in my head these past few weeks. They all revolve around how much I hate being sick. (Who came up with the idea that women should have nausea when pregnant. That person and I need to have a talk.)

I have refrained from writing these posts down since nobody want to a pregnant lady whine about feeling sick. Especially when it is such a blessing to be pregnant in the first place. I recognize this. This pregnancy came only after 7 months of trying and an early miscarriage the previous month. Still this being sick part has been ... especially trying this go round.

In an effort to preserve my own personal history, I want to record how I have felt. So I apologize in advance and give a warning that this will likely sound whiney. 

All my previous pregnancies, my nausea has been a sign to me of a healthy pregnancy. I have never miscarried when I have been nauseous. So it has been reassuring despite the discomfort. 

So it took me by surprise this time when the nausea this time elicited a rather different reaction in my psyche. As soon as the nausea came on I began to feel this overwhelming feeling of dread and fear and anxiety. Instead of signaling healthy pregnancy, it signaled Camille's accident. I felt nausea after her accident for weeks -- months really because I got pregnant with Noble and then it just stayed. 

I guess I didn't notice it last time because I was still so fresh in my grief that it all just ran together. But with this pregnancy, well, I have come so far in my healing that it was harsh to be thrust back into that fresh grief feeling. 

I have had trouble sleeping as the anxiety turns to adrenaline and my thoughts stray at night to that dark day. I have spent hours awake in the night, exhausted, but unable to sleep, haunted by my pain and grief.  It has been by far my most challenging first trimester ever. It has made me question how I thought I could do this again. And it has made me, for the first time, consider that this may be our last child.

The emotions have mellowed as I have endured week after week of this. I started taking Unisom to help with the sleep issue. That has helped immensely. I have been indulging any food craving I can to combat the nausea. Sometimes that works. Sometimes I just feel worse after. The thought that I have another 4-8 weeks of this is ... well hard. Is there anyway to just skip or sleep through September?

I will be 10 weeks in 2 days. I usually get better between 16-18 weeks. I was feeling really super low about this all about a week or two ago. Then I read THIS post by my fellow Angel Mom Sheye and I felt like a wimp. You should read it. It is the silver lining after this dark cloud of a post. She is my new hero. If she can do what she has done the past 3 years with grief loaded on her back, I can certainly make it another month or two, Right? RIGHT.

Shiny Happy People

Here are the school kids with their new clothes and new backpacks and new shoes and new headbands ready to take on a brand new year of school. They were so excited for the first day.

Lauren had a great first day being walked to class by her big sisters. I am anxious to hear the report from the other girls. Lauren and I are making "first day of school" cookies. Here are a few individual shots.

Noble and I had a fun morning playing by ourselves and running some errands. Can't leave him out of the photos this morning. I think he wanted to go to school with his sisters.

It was awfully quiet around here with just he and I at home. Oh well, I guess I ought to enjoy it because it won't be that way for long. 

We have a little "Snickerdoodle" baking in the oven. 

Due to be done March 31st. 

Now I think I will go do something to keep me from throwing up. :)

Back to School Eve

It is the night before the first day of school for us. The backpacks are packed with school supplies waiting to be taken to classes. The new school clothes are purchased and ready to be put on tomorrow. We have seen our classrooms and met our teachers at the "meet and greet." The special french toast casserole is soaking in the fridge waiting to be cooked tomorrow morning. Somehow tonight almost has a Christmas eve feel.

I am excited for the girls to go back to school. Lauren will be starting kindergarten and she is very excited. I am looking forward to the routine school provides. I am tired of answering the question - "I'm bored. What can I do?" I feel really good about the teachers everyone got. I hope this will be a good year for them all.

It has been a long 3 week break for me. I have not been myself. I have been struggling to make it through each day. So there were no big activities planned or schedules adhered to. I did manage to finish off Date nights with Annie on Friday. We went to the mall to get earrings at Claires and then got ice cream at Ben and Jerry's. At home we played a card game together.

Annie is just such a bright star. She has a twinkle in her eye that can light up a room. She loves big. She is fast and fearless. She makes me smile. I am so glad to have her in our family.

So Noble and I will have some alone time each day now. He is so cute and fun. He doesn't talk much. Though he does say "uh-oh" very often (for valid reasons.) He has a loving heart and will give anyone he sees crying a snuggle. Sometimes I fake cry just so he will come give me a love :). He loves to put things in and out of things, especially the trash.

I look forward to sharing some alone time and nap time with him everyday. And I look forward to the book vacation I am going to give myself as soon as I catch up on my laundry and house work. Mockingjay is waiting for me and I am dying to dive in. Pictures of back to school tomorrow.

Raincheck on the Sale

This sale has been postponed due to back weather forecast. Bummer. Will let you know when they do it for real.

S