Motherhood - Chapter 6 - Distance

I have been thinking about the transitions we go through in life that put more distance between us and our mothers or between us and our children. Some of these transitions are gradual like a child starting school. Some of them are more abrupt like a child moving out of our home or out of our state.

It is a good thing to raise children who are independent and can stand on their own two feet in the world. After all, the time will likely come when they will have to. Ultimately death will be the great divider that will distance us from our children. And as much as we will hate to endure the separation, we will have to prepare ourselves to live without our parents and our children to one day live without us.

Knowing this reality doesn't make taking even the most gradual steps of distance away from out parents or offspring any easier. Even when the "closeness" becomes uncomfortable or even downright painful and the distance is greatly desired, it is still accompanied with mixed feelings and often nostalgia.

The same is often true on the reverse side from a child's perspective. I know each of my moves further from my parents has come with tears even when I was excited about the new adventure upon which I was embarking.  College, law school, marriage -- each step was a step further from my childhood and my life at home with my parents.

And so as I enter my ninth month of pregnancy, I think once more of one of my favorite poems by Carol Lynn Pearson. It reminds me that no matter the distance between a mother and her child, the bonds of mother love can and will always keep us close.

The Ninth Month

Being a duplex
I have been happy, my dear,
To loan you half the house
Rent-free and furnished
As best I could.

You have been a good
Tenant, all in all
Quiet, yet comfortably there
Tapping friendly on the wall.

But I hear
You have outgrown the place
And are packing up to move.
Well, I will miss
The sweet proximity.
But we will keep in touch.
There are bonds, my dear,
That reach beyond a block
Or a mile or a hemisphere
Born of much love and labor.

I approve the move
And gladly turn from landlady
To neighbor.
--Carol Lynn Pearson

On One Hand

I can now count on one hand the number of weeks till I deliver this baby. That makes me happy. I feel all full of baby. I can feel all the body parts shifting and moving trying to get comfy in there. Getting comfy is no longer an easy task for either of us.

I can also count on one hand the number of doctor appointments I will have before I have the baby. One hand it good.

I need to put Noble's baby book together tomorrow. I told myself I would get it done before I had this baby.  :) I figure I better get moving on that commitment. I have everything ready to do it. I just have to compile all my blog entries on him and my pregnancy and print them out to put in the book. Tomorrow. Gonna do it.

I also need to put together my 2010 blog book. Not sure when I am going to get to that. Hopefully sometime before fall? For now I am running around after my mischievous Noble getting him out of trouble right and left. Which I have to do now. More on my Motherhood series coming up soon...

My Little Valentines

We had a great Valentine's day filled with fun surprises yesterday. Jon and the girls surprised me with a bed filled with candy hearts and little Valentine's cards and a nice gift of chocolates and pampering things like bath salts and lotions and a book. It was a perfect relaxation package.

I made white chocolate covered strawberries for Jonathan. They are one of his favorite things. I sent surprise "vala-grams" to the girls through the school. I usually never send thing through the school so they were really surprised and happy about that. I made them special chocolate croissants for breakfast and they came home to a lovely classic valentine's gift from mom and dad.

Who doesn't love flowers for Valentine's day? I went to Trader Joe's and picked up a bunch of each person's flowers. While I was there, I saw the Calla Lilies with the shock of white on top and with Noble sitting in the cart next to me with his shock of white hair on top ... well I just made the impromptu decision to make Calla Lilies represent him. He may not like flowers but it will be something I can give myself to remember him. He still reminds me of a puppy but I can't exactly give him puppy things every Valentine's Day or birthday. We don't even have a dog and probably never will so... Calla Lilies it is.

Tulips for Camille in Valentine colors.

Roses for Ann Marie.

Strong tall pure Calla Lilies for Noble.

Bright happy colorful Gerber Daisies for Sabrina.

And fun vibrant Star Gazer Lilies for Lauren. 

Hopefully these will open up today. 

The girls were thrilled by their flowers and all those flowers just make me happy every time I walk by them. They remind me of all the many beautiful gifts my Father and Heaven has blessed me to have in my home.

Motherhood - Chapter 5 - Community Service

When I was in law school, I grew to love a family of children who lived a few miles from me. The Jenkins were a family of 14 children though I only ever knew 5 of them. The other 9 were in foster care. They all had the same mother but different fathers. The 5 I knew and loved were being raised by their wheelchair bound grandmother as their mother and varied fathers were all in prison.

Somehow I started taking them to church every Sunday. And I sat with them through Sacrament meeting. I taught several of them in seminary and others in primary. They lived in one of DC's rougher neighborhoods. The oldest was 16 and already had a juvenile record. I tried to inspire them every week that they could avoid that life and be more if they would follow the teachings of Christ and apply themselves in their education.

I am not sure whatever became of these children. I still love them. I am a little afraid to know what became of them. There is only so much someone outside the home can do to help someone out of such circumstances. But this experience changed the way I looked at motherhood.

I remember distinctly walking through the ghetto to work one morning and thinking to myself about how sad it was that these 14 spirits had to come to earth in such hard circumstances. I felt so blessed to have been born to good parents who loved me and took care of me and taught me to be honest and to have basic values. I thought about how there are so very many good parents out in the world today, but very few of them have 14 children. What is the average now? 2.3?

This was back when Jonathan and I were nothing more than friends. But I knew he would be an excellent father and I knew that if he and I ever did get together we would make a great partnership as a couple and as parents. I said to myself in that moment, "If I ever married Jon Waite, I think I would have 12 kids. I would want to give as many spirits as I could the chance to come to a home with stable parents who love each other and would love and teach them truth and goodness."

Now my whole idea about the number 12 has been rather altered :) by reality and experience. But this line of thinking changed my perceptions of motherhood. I now see that being a good mother is the greatest act of community service we can do.

I practiced criminal defense law for a year before I had Sabrina. I look at my transition from that life to motherhood as a shift from damage control to prevention. Good mothers everywhere - whether they work outside the home or not - are all engaged in that great community service. We are doing the best we can to raise up productive, honest, contributing members of our society. We are investing our efforts into the literal creation of a brighter future for our society.

In a world that sometimes seems so dark and troubled, I don't know of any better way I can serve help it than to bring more good people into it and teach them to share their goodness with others. So to all you mothers out there who are loving your children and taking care of them every day, teaching them right from wrong -- THANK you for the great act of community service you are doing day by day, year by year.

Baptism Day

Today was a wonderful day. I was much more organized for this baptism day than I was for Sabrina's and it helped me feel lots less frazzled and enjoy the day more.

Annie looked wonderful in her lovely sweater dress. She looked great in her jumpsuit too, though she told me it was way too big. What can you do when you are just little? She said the water was warm and it felt good. I loved watching her immersed in the water and being brought out by her father. There is something so special about watching this ordinance take place. It is very much like watching a different, less messy, kind of birth. I treasure it.

Several of Annie's friends were also baptized today so we got to see them in the bathroom when we were getting dry and ready for confirmation. Danielle Stewart, Sophie Sherrell, and Brynlee Smith were all there with us.

Annie had so many family and friends there to support her in this big step. Present were the following: Grandpa Harris and Nana, Grandpa and Grandma Waite, Aunt Lesli, Uncle Rod, Jack and Morgan, Aunt Elizabeth, Stella Harris, Isaac, Aunt Julene, Joseph, Allyese, Angelina, Benjamin, Uncle David, Uncle Stephen Waite, Uncle Spencer, Aunt Marleen, Nora, Aubrey, Anna, Stephanie and Abby Morris, Justin and Sarah Striblin with their daughters Abigail and Madeline, Chesley Davies, Rebekah Martin with Hailey, Hannah and Lily Martin, Mandy Norton, the Sherrell family, and Ryan Gibson from the Bishopric. Annie's great Aunt Helen and Uncle Jay and Aunt Diana came over to the house after to congratulate her as well.

Her Aunt Lesli gave a great talk on the Holy Ghost and told her lots of ways the Holy Ghost can speak to us. She pinned all these ways that were written on papers to a blanket that represented the Holy Ghost and had Annie walk across the room with the blanket following her as long as she made right choices. Annie loved being in front of the crowd. She liked Aunt Lesli's talk and it answered lots of her questions.

Now I am a tired Mama. This was our last big family event before the birth of our sixth child and I am glad not to have to worry about anything else between now and then. With all the contractions I have been having the last couple of days, I will be glad to just rest for a bit. :)

You know, Aunt Lesli said in her talk that one of the ways the Holy Ghost speaks to us is by giving us a warm feeling in our heart. Some even describe this as a burning. As I sit here and write this now, I feel that in my heart. I know that today I witnessed a great event and that the Lord and the hosts of heaven, Camille included, are pleased with the events of this day.

I love this girl!

Tomorrow my little Ann Marie is going to take a giant leap closer to Home as she follows the example of the Savior by being baptized. My sister helped me put together a baptism announcement card. The above picture is the front with the baptism details in the white space to the left of Annie. The back is featured below.

I am excited for this special occasion. I just can't believe that my little Annie is already 8. My how time flies. This little lady is going to be sneaking up on me in her growing up for years to come I think.

I love this girl. I love this girl. I LOVE this girl!!!

Anxious and yet...

I have 45 days left in this pregnancy. It has been and continues to be a difficult pregnancy. I am sick of my own complaining. :) I am rather anxious to be done. I have been anxious for it to over almost since the beginning. And yet as I come to the last weeks of this pregnancy I find another emotion invading my heart.

With every other pregnancy I have known I would have another child. This time, well, I just don't know that. I don't know that this will be our last child, but I also don't know that it won't. And so as I near the end of this pregnancy I find myself feeling a bit like a kid anxious for what may be her last Christmas, at least for a very long time.

To me, the labor and delivery experience is so miraculous and wonderful and magical. It is like Christmas. There is the wonder and excitement of meeting your child face to face. It is like opening the most incredibly beautiful, wonderful, magical present ever.

And so I feel a bit nostalgic about nearing the end of this pregnancy. There are so many reasons I will be glad to move on from this child bearing stage of my life. And yet, I recognize and appreciate what a wonder filled and amazing time of life this is. It is miraculous. I want to savor the last kicks in my belly (though they do often hurt now) and I want to capture forever the birthing of my babies.

I told Jon about how I was feeling last night. I told him I may be more weepy than normal with this birth just because part of me will be sad to think it may be the last time I birth a child. Then this morning as I was bringing in the groceries something shifted and my hips just started hurting like mad. Maybe part of the reason each pregnancy seems harder than the last is so that by the end it is easier to move on from this magical and yet painful stage of life.

A Good Sunday

Today was a really good Sunday. It wasn't a perfect day. Those are so very few and far between. But every time things seemed to be going sour something turned them around to sweet.

It was Annie's first time fasting. In our family, kids begin fasting (going without food or drink for 2 meals on the first Sunday of the month) when they turn 8. She was not very excited about this. But she decided to do it after we had talked with her about why we fast.

At church we have a testimony meeting on fast Sunday. This is where people from the congregation are invited to come and share their witness of the Savior or aspects of His gospel. I was alone with the girls at church as Noble is sick. Annie was being a bit obstinate at the start of church. I was frustrated with her. I felt my peaceful mood being sucked out of me. I was mad at myself for letting her get to me.

Then as people began to share their testimonies she came over and showed me that she had written down her own testimony to share. Just then I noted that Sabrina had gone up to share. She gave a sweet simple testimony that the church and the scriptures are true. Then I read Annie's. It turned my sour mood right around.

"I'd like to bear my testimony that I know the church is true. I am glad Heavenly Father gave me good parents and sometimes we don't want to do some things but we have to do them sometimes and when we do we are following the example of Jesus. In the name of Jesus Christ Amen."

Simple yet profoundly true. She asked me to go up with her to give it. So I did. I shared my own testimony of fasting. Mostly I wanted my children to know that I knew the power of fasting. I tried to hold my voice steady as I shared how, as one who has been fasted for by many, many people, I knew of a surety the power of a fast to help and strengthen those who are suffering. It may be uncomfortable for a short time for those fasting but the powerful effect it can have on those for whom the fast is being offered can feel of its power.

I also shared how after Camille's death I fasted every Sunday for a long time and how it seemed every Saturday I would feel so low and get to the point that I just didn't feel as though I could go on. Then I would start to fast and by Sunday I could feel strength coming back to me and I just felt like I could get through this. I could make it. It was a short testimony but teary for me to share.

Sharing it made me tender the rest of the day. Just thinking back on all the love shared with us through fasting and prayers during that time hits my heart. Plus the principle of fasting really helped me get through that very difficult time as I applied it personally so it is one I feel emotional about.

As soon as we got home from church, I made my super yummy homemade pancakes. The girls were happy they had completed their fast and they got one of their favorite things to eat. Tonight we had a family home evening about fasting, of course. It capped our fasting day off right.

All in all a good day with a sweet spirit here to help us teach and learn from each other. I love a good Sunday like that.

Look Who Is 8!

I am a bit late with this post. But better late than never. Our little Ann Marie turned 8 a couple weeks ago. She had a Tangled party the week before her birthday. It was a lot of fun with 15 friends. We took them to Tangled in a theatre and then picked up bean and cheese burritos for everyone on the way home. That was Annie's food request. After the burritos we had ice cream cake.

We hurried and opened presents as parents arrived to pick the kids up. Annie had a good time. That is what is most important.

I remember the day she was born. It was an 83 degree January day in Long Beach, California. Her birth was fun. It was almost too easy. 5 hours from checking in for induction till delivery. I had about 3 contractions to breath through then I got the epidural. I played games with my sister in law Elizabeth and Jonathan waiting to be ready to push.

When I was ready to push we waited about 20 minutes for my mom to arrive and then Annie came on out to join us. She almost came out by herself. I hardly had to help at all. She was a beautiful baby. But she was quite the crier. She is my little rose, beautiful, complicated and yet there are thorns to watch out for. I love her for all her beauty and all her thorns. She is a masterpiece in my eyes.

Happy Birthday my sweet, beautiful, smart, super soft skinned, super fast running, strong and iron willed Annie. I love you more than you can know.


Photos below were taken by my sister Lesli for her baptism invite cards. We used others for the card. Can't wait for everyone to get them. They turned out awesome. Thanks Lesli!

Motherhood - Chapter 4 - The Power of a Simple "Thanks Mom"

My sweet Sabrina! How lucky I am to have this girl in my life.

Last night we were kneeling down to say family prayer. It was late. Okay it was only 8:30 ish but these days that feels late. Jon had been out of town for the day. Luckily it had been a low key day so I was doing pretty well. But like every night, I had reached that point in the day where my belly just hurt. 

As I kneeled down, I grunted in pain. My pelvis is separating too much again and it can be rather painful. We got the kids settled and said prayers. Then after our prayer was over I told Sabrina and Annie to go brush their teeth. As Sabrina walked past me to get to the bathroom she bent over and gave me a hug and a kiss. Then she said, "Thanks for carrying baby Snickerdoodle for all of us, Mom." 

You know, this whole pregnancy I have been feeling so bad that I am such a gimp and can't be the mother I want to be for my older children. I hate that part of being pregnant. It is hard to be physically limited by sickness and then all that comes with the big belly. In that one simple statement of gratitude my sweet daughter made me feel so much better. I just love her. And I am so grateful that she sees the bigger picture and appreciates me. Moments like this are the real "payment" in Motherhood.

Motherhood - Chapter 3 - Buckets

Becoming a mother to many children, I expected to be busy. I expected to have schedules to coordinate and chores to do, lessons to help with and diapers to change. But the more children I have had and the older they have grown I am finding new challenges far more taxing than the "chores" of motherhood. it is these unexpected burdens that make me wonder how women with 9 or 10 children or more do it.

I have always said that everyone has their own bucket in life. This bucket holds all your trials and troubles. I have even said that I wouldn't necessarily want to trade buckets with very many people. I prefer to keep my own, even with the doozy of losing Camille in it. It still seems lighter to me than so many other possible buckets I see other people carrying.

Maybe I would trade individual trials in my bucket for individual trials in another bucket, but that is not the way buckets are weighed. Not that we can trade buckets or trial anyway. But each person's bucket must be taken as a whole. And if one person's bucket seems empty to you, you probably just can't see the big thing in their bucket because they keep it secret. Or if you feel you bucket seems empty ... just wait. No one gets through life with an empty bucket.

What I hadn't really connected before having many children who are growing up right and left is how each child has a bucket and how that affects their mother. I guess, until just recently I hadn't realized that each mother carries a bucket within her bucket for each of her children. And in each child's bucket is all the problems and worries and trials that child has to go through in life that the mother knows about or worries about.

Sometimes the mother's bucket for a child may be more burdensome than the child's own bucket is for him or herself. Because sometimes we as mothers can see dangers our children can't and thus we worry more and their bucket is heavier on us than it is on them. Sometimes, when we can't do anything to help our child and he or she is severely hurting, it is the heaviest kind of burden of all.

Multiply that by the number of children you have ... well I guess I have just been thinking I hope that God makes sure my children's trials are spread out so I can bear the burdens of their buckets plus my own through all the rest of the days of my life.

On the flip side, these buckets also contain all the joys and happiness in ones life. So the mother of many may have more joy and happiness at certain times than others if all her children are well and happy. Her joy is multiplied by the joy of her children.

I imagine having all your family together in the temple for a wedding would be one of those most outpourings of joy most keenly felt by a mother (and I guess father too). I remember my brother Darren's wedding felt exceptionally joy filled.

Darren was the last of my siblings to get married. The other 4 of us got married within 16 months of each other in the years 1999 and 2000. Darren had about 7 years as the only single sibling in our family and got married in Oct. of 2007 at the age of 30. We were thrilled that Darren was getting married. It was kind of like getting a brother back since he had been living such a different life as a single adult than we were all living for those years in between.

He married my wonderful sister in law Nikki. She is one of 11 children and was the last of her siblings to be married as well. She was 29 I think when they married. All of us in our family fell in love with her and were so excited to have her join our family. Plus we knew she would be great for Darren too. :)

In the temple at their wedding, all of her siblings and their spouses were present and all of my siblings and our spouses were present. My parents were there and Nikki's dad was there. Her mother, who passed away years before, brought with her the hosts of heaven to attend. I have been to many weddings, but none felt quite as whole and full as this one did. I can only imagine how it must have felt for my mother and even more so for Nikki's mother, with her heavenly perspective.

So I guess when the buckets feel heavy we must cling to the memories of the joys and the hopes of joys to come. And remember and rely on He who carries all our buckets with us. For His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

Gifted

Yesterday I read the novel Gifted by Karey White. It was an interesting read. I has had me thinking today. The story line kept me turning the pages as I became more and more familiar with the characters in the book. It told the story of a gift with unusual gifts. At first I didn't think her "gifts" were so dramatic or profound. But as the story developed the application of her gifts and the effects they had on those around her made me think.

Mostly, I think the story made me think about what a blessing it is to have opposition in all things. It made me appreciate how our desire to know both the bitter and the sweet could have been keen in that life before this. It also made me think about how difficult it would be go from living a life with no trials to suddenly having lots of trials.

I have often wondered before when I have a newborn that cries for seemingly no reason if perhaps that baby is just having a hard time adjusting to life and physical discomforts. Certainly our tolerance for pain increases as we become more accustomed to it.

In any case, it was fun to have a bit of a book vacation for a day.

Cure to a Hard Day

Yesterday was a hard, pregnant day. It started off fine. The kids and I got up and picked up the whole house. It wasn't that messy so this didn't take too long. Then instead of taking the kids to school I took them all to the dentist. They love going to the dentist. If you are looking for a good pediatric dentist in the Las Vegas area check out Jeff Cox. My kids ask all year when they get to go to see the dentist again. I love it.

The dentist went well for the girls. For me it was an hour and a half of wrestling Noble on my severely diminished lap. I took all the kids to the school and carried Noble in to check them in for the day. An hour later I returned to pick up Lauren from Kindergarten. By this time I was exhausted. I fed Noble and Lauren lunch and then put Noble down for a nap. Lauren and I fell asleep in the family room for a bit.

After Noble woke up it was time to pick the kids up from school and take them straight to their violin and viola lessons. Normally my mom takes care of Noble and Lauren for me while I go with the girls to their lesson. Suzuki lessons encourage parents to attend lessons so you can help the kids practice during the week. But this week my mom is out of town. So I took the kids with me to the lesson. This is no problem with Lauren. She had fun doing crafty things with the teacher's daughter who is Annie's age.

For me this meant another hour long wrestling match with Noble. He loves new places and just wants to go explore. His normal entertainments are no comparison with new places to explore. I ended up with lots of lip gloss all over my face as I let him put it on me. He ended up with lots of hand sanitizer rubbed into his hands drop by drop. At the end I carried Noble and the music books and my purse out to the car. Did I mention I am 7 months pregnant? Yeah.

We raced home to change in to Sunday clothes and eat a quick dinner (luckily my dinner group takes care of bringing me dinner on Wed. and Thus. so I didn't have to cook). Then I called Jon to see if he was on his way home to come with us to the special program at the church to recognize Sabrina's work on her goals and introduce Ann Marie as a new member of the girls activity group for girls aged 8-11. He answered the phone sounding frazzled and overwhelmed and told me he wouldn't be home till after the store closed. Too many employees are out sick and they were getting slammed before closing.

So I got all the kids back in the car and took them to the church for the program. I asked the girls to help me out as this was not going to be easy for me. I was in for another wrestling match with Noble. By now I was in pregnancy belly pain and having contractions and my little baby inside was stretching out to see what new yoga positions he could master. About 20 minutes into my wrestling match with Lauren tired and needing more attention than she was getting, Annie's tummy started to hurt.

Annie laid down on some chairs and then fell off them and hit her head on a leg of the table at which we were sitting. Mind you this is all during a program. So I gave Noble to Sabrina and tried to pick Annie up from off the floor and under the table. This was less than successful with the basketball sized belly in front of me. I finally managed to get her up. She was crying and trying hard not to. That usually means she is really hurt. So I picked her up and took her out of the room.

I spent 5 minutes calming her down and loving her in the foyer till she had her eyes dried and felt better. Then we went back into the program to try to get my other kids to sit down and take over Noble who was squirming. All the while Lauren is doing whatever little disobedient thing she can to get attention. How can an hour be so dang long? Somehow this hour seemed eternal. I would have just packed the kids up and left except that I didn't want Sabrina and Annie to miss their parts on the program which were last.

As soon as the "Amen" was said for the closing prayer I grabbed my kids and we headed out of there. I was barely holding it together. I hurt.

Once I got the kids settled at home (homework done, piano practiced, reading time done, punishment doled out for disobedience during the program, Noble freshly diapered and put to bed) I sat in my recliner with barely enough energy to get up and get a drink. All I really wanted was homemade cookie dough. But I didn't have the energy to make it. So I had a bowl of Life cereal instead.  Jon was finally home and so we watched a bit of TV and then went to bed.

Today I woke up refreshed in my wonderful bed that makes me almost forget I am pregnant after a good night's sleep. I had a really good talk with Lauren about how important it is to learn to be obedient when you are 5 so it will be easier to do when you are 15 and it really matters. I was able to explain how my punishments now are given because I love her so much and want her to learn this important principle now while she is young and it is easier. It was a really good talk and one I needed to have with her.

After I got the kids ready for school I realized my cravings for cookie dough had not gone away with my sleep.  So... I did a little mixing and got this:

 The extra to go into the fridge to eat in times of future cravings.

 The mini sized cookies waiting to go in the oven.

 The big cookies baking.

 The mini cookies cooling.

The big cookies on a platter. 

All the cookies. 

I like my chocolate chip cookies. They are seriously the best. I have fine tuned the recipe from an old one I used to use - "the Scott Porter" recipe, and a secret recipe my friend Britt shared with me and my own tweaks here and there. I would share it but I can't reveal the "secret" ingredient from Britt's secret recipe. But, to me at least, they are ... the best. Today they are helping to make it all okay. Along with a plenty of rest, they may possibly be the cure for a really hard day.

Motherhood - Chapter 2 - Superpowers

When you become a mother, people don't usually tell you that you automatically acquire superpowers. But you do - at least to the little person or people who call you Mom. Mothers around the world are super finders, super comforters, and super creators.

I remember as a little girl how astonished I was at my mother's ability to find all my lost things. I was even more astonished when I became a mother myself and found that I this super finding power. Of course I also realized why I had this power. My home is my office, my domain, my everyday. I am the one who most often puts things away. I am the one who organizes the drawers and cabinets and even the clothes and toys and shoes. So I guess it makes sense that most of the time, I know better than anyone where things are.

Of course this super power comes with the duty of maintaining it by keeping things organized and using it by helping family members find whatever they seek. I wonder if super heroes feel like saving the world is sometimes a lot of work?

This weekend I have been using my super power of comfort. I am no doctor or nurse but I have a healing power no one else possesses - at least to my children. Every mother does. I have had a couple of sick tummies to tend this weekend. Tummy aches are hard to nurse back to health because there isn't always so much you can do. Especially when you aren't sure why the tummy hurts. Sometimes the only reliable help is to have your mom next to you.

I have spent many, many hours this weekend laying in bed with tummy aching girls. Sometimes I read to them. Sometimes I stroke their hair or hold their hand. Sometimes I snuggle them. It is the only medicine I can give them but it does have power. I know that they feel better just having me there. I know because I feel the same way when I am sick or hurting. When nothing else can help, just having your mom next to you helps.

As mothers we also are super creators. I am not talking about crafts and culinary delights. We can be the creators of things far greater than this. We can be the creators of self esteem and confidence. We have the power to create or destroy the self concept of our children. How important it is for us to keep on the side of super heroes, lighting up when we see our children and letting them know how incredible they are as Children of God! It is so easy to lose sight of this super power that we carry almost unknowingly every minute of every day.

Super powers certainly come with great responsibility. But when you feel overwhelmed by everyone's needs that only you can help, remember if you are a mother, you really are a super hero!

Science Project

Tell me I am not alone here. How many of us parents dread the "family projects" and homework that is sent home with our children that is really homework for the parents? I really don't mind helping my kids with their normal homework. Actually sometimes I even enjoy it. I enjoy teaching my children things they didn't quite understand fully in class or showing them different ways to look at a homework problem.

But I am not crafty. I don't like projects. I didn't like them when I was young. I think my mom, who is artsy and crafty, helped make anything I took to school look presentable. And now that I am grown I am seeing how much more I dislike them as they are multiplied by the number of children I have. Projects!!! AHHH! I have one waiting for me to do currently to make something out of 3D shapes for Lauren to take to school.

But this post is not about that. It is about how about 2 weeks ago Sabrina mentioned in the car on the way home that I needed to write her a note to tell her teacher we couldn't do a Science Project. This was the first time I had heard her say anything about any Science anything. She got out some papers from her backpack about a Science Fair and Project including a time line for turning things in. The papers were dated Dec. 10th. It was Jan. 7th. We had missed several lab check deadlines already.

I wondered if perhaps this was an optional thing. So I emailed the teacher that night (it was Friday.) I heard back from her Monday morning that the Science Project was in fact required and that she was shocked I had not heard about it from Sabrina as they had been talking about it lots in class. The final lab book check was due Wednesday according to the paper Sabrina had given me. The teacher said in her email that we should just do the best we could but that Sabrina probably wouldn't be eligible to go to UNLV with her project because she hadn't had a lab book check.

So I had Jon pick up a lab book on his way home from work that night. Sabrina and I brainstormed about what she could do as an experiment. She came up with trying to dissolve packing peanuts with common household chemicals. She got this idea from a friends birthday party that featured a "Mad Scientist." It sounded easy enough to me and not too messy.

So Jon brought home some packing peanuts and that night we got 5 household cleaning agents and wrote up all the steps to the Scientific Method in her lab book and performed the experiment. I must say that the actual experiment part was kinda fun. We enjoyed watching the packing peanuts dissolve in acetone nail polish remover and turn into a goo. And at least she had her lab work done for the final lab book check.

The part I really dreaded was making the display board. That means lots of typing and printing for mom and dad. The final project was due on the 18th. The 17th was Ann Marie's birthday and I had sick kids to take care of and take to doctor's appointments all weekend. It was a crazy weekend.

We did manage to type out all of Sabrina's lab book work and print it out big and put it on the Science Project board I had Jon and Sabrina go buy. I left the pictures for Monday. Tuesday morning about 15 minutes before school I remembered we hadn't gotten to the pictures. I didn't even have them printed out. Luckily I had a spare ink cartridge and could print them out quick at home. Then we quickly used all the rest of the glue in our house to apply them to the board.

We got to school with the completed project just a minute or two before the tardy bell rang. Whatever. I was just glad we got it done and it was out of our house. Whew!

Imagine my surprise yesterday when Sabrina told me she won 4th place in the school's science fair and her project would be going to UNLV to compete in the city wide competition! I was shocked. I was happy for my little girl who was very excited to win a ribbon. Apparently she tells me they judged it based on how well they liked the idea and the experiment and not on how pretty the board looked. Hallelujah.

Words

My Noble has not been a little man of many English words thus far in his life. He talks, in Noblese. But I have been anxious for him to learn some English and start using words to tell us what he thinks and wants and feels.

Actually he is pretty good at letting us know what he wants without words. Maybe he hasn't seen too much need for language yet. If he wants milk he just goes and gets a bottle and brings it to me. If he has a stinky diaper he brings me the wipes. If he is hungry he heads to the pantry to seek out something to eat (or he climbs on a chair to see if anyone has left their food on the table.)

But just recently he has started saying a few more words and I am tickled every time he gets a new one to sound just right. Right now he has the following list down pretty well, "Annie, Nana, Lala, Mama, Dada, Car, Ball, Hi, Bye, Go and UhOh."

Words he is working on but that aren't entirely clear yet are: "Bus, Van, Truck, Brina, Bottle, All the animal names and sounds on Peek a Boo Barn and Peek a Boo Wild, Out, Shoes, and More."

Tonight I was asking him to clean up his cars before he went to bed. He looked right at me and with one definite shake of his head said, "No." It was clear as a bell. No is not one of the words he says regularly. Usually it is "uh uh." I was so pleased that his defiance didn't bother me one bit. I kept asking him to pick up his cars and he kept doing the single head shake and saying, "No." It was beautiful to my ears.

About ten minutes later I got down of the floor and together we picked up his cars and put them away before I took him up to get ready for bed. As I was giving him a bath I made some bubbles in the sink for him to play with. I am not sure he has ever had a real bubble bath and this time the soap made more bubbles that normal. He was thrilled. He held up his hand with bubbles on it in wonder and looked at me. "Yes you got some bubbles," I said.

He put his little hand back down in the water and pulled it up again and clear as a bell said "Bubble." Then he kept doing that over and over and each time saying Bubble. It is lovely to hear him starting to speak and hear his little voice form familiar words. I just love this age and I love my little guy.

Pregnancy Thoughts

As I approach the 30 week mark of my pregnancy, the very small window of "this isn't so bad" feeling that is usually in the middle of my pregnancy has officially closed. My inner dialog is rather whiney. I feel bad that my family has to live with me when I am grumpy and whimpy and can only do about an hour's worth of physical activity a day before I am hurting so bad I need to sit and let my body rest.

On the other hand, even though it is still 10 weeks off I am able to see a bit of the light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to make it through February and March. January is going to be over before we know it. I know it should go fast. But then time somehow seems so much longer at the end of a pregnancy. And I do feel a bit like a kid waiting for Christmas.

I am excited and anxious to meet this new baby and get to know him. I am excited to see what he looks like and give him a solid name. I am anxious to see how life changes taking care of 5 children. I am excited for the delivery and the closeness to the Spirit that there is welcoming a new life into the world. These are the things I have to remind myself of when my back hurts and my pelvis feels like it is coming apart. These are the thoughts that keep me going.

Motherhood - Chapter 1- Failure

I want to start off this series of Motherhood posts with a bit of honesty and truth. But there is some tricky truth to mothering. So allow me to lay down the ground floor here with some notes on failure. 

Every mother, and I do mean EVERY mother, will at some point in her mothering career feel that she has failed. Maybe this has been on my mind this week because I have had a few of those points this last week. The reason every mother feels this is really quite simple. We judge our success (whether consciously or not) on how well our children do in life. And since no child or person is perfect and at some point each of us fails, so then each mother of each child also feels she has failed. 

The real trick to conquering this feeling of failure (which I am sure is sent from the Enemy of all things good) is to recognize that our success as a mother is not based on our child's choices. Kids are supposed to mess up. That doesn't mean we are failing, it means we have opportunities to succeed by helping them learn to do better next time. And the longer it takes to help them overcome their weaknesses or shortcomings, the greater the eventual success right?

So whether your child gets in trouble at school, or acts inappropriately at some social function, or hits someone, or lies, or steals something, or develops a drug problem ... whatever the extent of your child's failure, we must realize that there is only so much a mother can do. Even the perfect Mother and Father have had murderers and dictators and rebellious spirits as children. For every person has to make their own choices and in the end they will be responsible for their own actions. 

Our job as mothers and our success in that job ought to be measured on how well we have applied the knowledge we have available to us based on our current abilities at any given time. Perhaps an example or two will illustrate. 

A mother now would be considered unfit for piling all of her young children and babies into a car without any car seats and taking them out on a busy city street. 35 years ago, people did not have the same knowledge, laws, or baby gear and this was the normal course of behavior. Is my mother's generation a generation of failures because they didn't use car seats? No. 

A mother who is sick and in her bed knows that she ought to go help her child to be obedient when she gives a command. But if her body is not able to get up and go help the child learn this lesson, is she a failure as a mother? No. 

We do the best we can with the knowledge and abilities we have. That is how we ought to measure our success. 

And you know what? Even then we will still sometimes fail. Because we too are human and we mess up. Sometimes we get tired or angry and we say or do things we know we ought not to say or do. Sometimes we neglect to do things we know are important because we forget or get too busy with less important things. It happens to us all. And all too often we beat ourselves up about it.

But even that self beating is coming for an Enemy source. Because the Truth is that a Way has been provided to help us be better and perfect our efforts. When we repent of our mistakes, apologize to our child or children and to God, and make our best efforts to change and do better next time, the Atonement of our Savior can heal the wounds of our mistakes and make up for our failings. 

As one who has felt like the ultimate failure and has felt the deep wounds of her own mistakes, I am a witness to the power of the Atonement to heal our hearts and make us whole. We may always have to live with the physical consequences of our failings, but the Atonement can heal our heart if we so desire. 

"God made our hands washable for a reason," my mother always said as she would clean up icky messes of childhood. And I would add that God made the love between a mother and child nearly unbreakable for the same reason. So that when we make messes in our mothering, the Love between us and our children can help us clean up the mess and forgive each other with hearts cleansed by the Savior. 

Ogre

Tonight Annie got to go spend some birthday money at Target. She picked the Shrek Movies. I told her as we walked to the register how I don't really like those movies. She asked why. I told her it was because they are crude and have lots of potty humor in them. She asked what I meant. I said they make lots of jokes about things like toots and the like.

She noted that her dad also thinks toots are funny. It is true. I told her I just don't like that kind of humor. She said, "Well Mom, Shrek is an ogre. What can you expect?" Point taken. So then I asked, "Well Annie, what about your dad? Is he an ogre then too?"

Her reply -- "Well, maybe half an ogre. He doesn't look like one but ..."

I just had to laugh. This girl's mind just makes me smile.

Taxi

Only my dad would pick up 5 Chinese guys at Walmart who needed a cab and take them 20 minutes out of his way to their China town drop off. Only my dad would make such good friends of them on the drive in all their broken English that they would invite him and my mother to join them for dinner. Only my dad would accept take my mom in the restaurant with them at 9 p.m. for a spontaneous dinner. And who else would afterward pile all 5 of these Chinese men plus one of their friends into his car and drive them to their hotel.

When my mom married my dad she knew one thing for sure ... life with him would never be boring. And I think it is safe to say that at 74 he is anything but boring.

I am grateful the Chinese men were good people. I am sure they are glad my dad isn't a psycho too. I guess these guys come every year for the CES convention. They swapped contact info with my dad to get together next year and invited him to come to China for the best tour ever. :)

A Noble Heart

I wish I had a picture or better yet a video to show you what I am writing about today. Since I have neither, I am left trying to capture a sweet moment with words alone. I promise to keep it under 1000 :) and hope I can still capture it in my own mind at least as vividly as a photograph could.

Ann Marie was having a hard morning. You have to understand that she is ... dramatic. She can make herself cry at the drop of a hat and uses that ability to get what she wants. I actually know she is really upset when she is trying not to cry but failing. So in any case, she was pouting and crying on our way to church. And then she was pouting and crying as church started. I knew her issue wasn't anything too major, so I wasn't worried about her. I just was giving her extra love and trying to keep her sisters from bothering her.

This year our church time starts at Noble's nap time. He is one tired boy at church. So he is often all over the place and hard to keep in the pew. Such was the case today. At least until he saw Annie with her tears. He struggled free of everyone else's grasp and stood up on the pew next to her facing the row behind us. Then he swung one leg over her lap and sat down. He wrapped his little arms tight around her neck and laid his head down on her shoulder.

She wrapped her arms around him and rocked him as she cried. He laid on her like that for quite some time - far longer than I expected or was normal. I don't think anyone could have comforted her better at that moment. He did this two or three times during the beginning of our church meeting until Dad took him out to the foyer to get him to sleep. It just touched my heart to see it.

There is a bit of magic in the touch of this toddler. I am not sure how to describe it. Losing Camille has frozen her at that age in all our hearts and minds. Having Noble here with us as this toddler doesn't replace her in anyway but he is like a surrogate carrier of the loves we would have been able to get and give to her in some way. I am not sure that even makes sense but it just melted my heart to see him loving on Annie today and in church and knowing that that toddler love that she has missed out on has in  some small measure been restored by the sweet and tender heart of her her brother.

Motherhood - Introduction

Two and a half years ago, this is about the last post I ever thought I would be writing. And I am sheepish to write it now. I don't like self promotion. I am not comfortable with it. However, when I am passionate about something, I like to share and support it. And one thing I am passionate about is the importance and beauty of motherhood. 

I was passionate enough to give up my law career to spend every waking minute with my babies ( I was fortunate to be able to have that choice.) I have been trying desperately these last 9.5 years to be the best mother I can to each of my 5.5 children. I fail somedays. Or maybe I should say I fail in SOME way almost everyday. But I also have seen so many joyous successes as I have watched my children grown and learn and become better despite my mistakes. 

I am not one to spend too much time beating myself up about my short comings. But I fully recognize how many I have. So can you imagine my shock when I recently got a phone call from our State American Mothers representative informing me that I had been selected as Nevada's Young Mother of the Year for the 2011 year? 

I have spent the weeks since that phone call trying to make sense of this honor and trying to learn how that happened and what that means exactly. I had heard of "Mother of the Year" before because I knew a friend of mine's mother got that. 

In my investigation I have learned more about the American Mothers organization and how it promotes and supports motherhood. You can learn more about them HERE. I feel good about supporting their cause by serving as this year's Nevada Young Mother of the Year. I hope to bring a bit of attention to their cause. And so this year I will be doing a weekly post on some aspect of Motherhood. I hope you will enjoy this series of posts and that it will help us all remember how important motherhood is and the sacred trust we have been given to take part in it.

If any of you would like to show your support for the American Mother's organization or help sponsor me as their 2011 Young Mother for Nevada you can email me at stephaniewaite@gmail.com. 

Finding Lost Things

As a small child one of the first prayers I ever recognized as being answered was a petition to the Lord to help me find a lost thing. I remember one Sunday searching for a lost shoe to go to church. I was very young and we were late. I prayed and prayed and searched. I finally found it in some obscure cupboard.  I think finding a lost thing may have been a common first answered prayer for many of us.

Later in my teenage life, I had some very significant answers to prayers regarding finding lost things. I found an earring I had lost months earlier, an expensive ring I lost at the beach at night, and the same ring I lost in a huge field in a sudden rain storm. Finding each of this items was a miraculous answer to prayer for me. These experiences helped build my testimony that there is a God in heaven who does love us enough to answer our prayers, even when our prayers are not for something of eternal worth.

When Camille was in the hospital and I was praying for her to be made well, I thought back on all these answered prayers over little things. I wondered why the Lord would answer so many little prayers for me and not answer this most fervent and important prayer. I had never wanted something so much. I knew He could heal her. I knew He could raise her from the dead if he would just say the word. Why would He not? And yet He didn't. When I changed my prayers to asking for strength to accept Him will concerning her, only then did I feel the peace that only He can bring. 

Those days weeks and months following Camille's accident, I felt lost. When my brother told me he was worried about me, I told him I was worried about me too. How could I ever find wholeness again? How would I find joy and happiness in life? How would I find myself when part of me was buried in the grave?

The month of December 2010 seemed to me to be a month of finding lost things. I shared earlier on this blog that I finally found the video tape of Camille's first 8 months of life. What a gift this was. It is a treasure and by far the best gift we received this season. But I also was able to find many other little insignificant things all month long. 

I found the lost bag of pajamas I bought at the store and left there thanks to an honest stranger. I found an earring back for Sabrina that no one else could find in a thick shag carpet. I found a doll dress for Lauren that we had searched for over and over. I found Sabrina's glasses for her. I found a lost medicine that I had been searching for in a place I had already looked several times. I found Jon's lost keys in the food cupboard behind the baking items. I could go on and on.

Now I know that I have become a better "finder" since becoming a mother. I think mothers just know more of where everything is. But this month has been different. In each case, I have searched and used all my "Mother" finding ability without success. And then I have offered a prayer and tried to follow my feelings about where to look. In each case I have found the item. 

Sometimes it has been immediate. With the earring back I was sure it was lost. I felt all over that shag carpet. I asked Sabrina where she was when she lost it. All the cousins and Aunts and Uncles had already looked for it already and not found it. I came down from a nap to look as well. I was not finding it. I said a quick prayer in my head. Still I could not feel it in the thick shag. I sat up and told Sabrina we would have to go get another one. I looked down to my right and there it was sitting on the carpet right next to me.

Other times it has taken some time. Jon had been missing his keys for over a month. I had prayed several times trying to find them. No luck. Then one day in mid December I went to look for something else in the pantry and found them some baking things. It took a bit longer than the earring back, but my prayers to find this lost thing were answered. The keys were found.

And how many times did I pray to find that Camille video? Countless times. How many times had a searched? Countless. And yes at long last that prayer too was answered and the video was found. 

All this finding in December got me thinking about how the Lord can and does find Lost Things. He finds lost keys and toys and shoes. And He also finds the lost and weary soul. Talking to Jenny Nygard on the phone a few days before Christmas brought back to my mind how I felt in those early days - how lost I was. In the days after that conversation I have seen just how "found" I have become in knowing once more who I am and how richly I have been blessed. 

And so I wanted to offer to any who read this (especially my own children someday) my testimony of the Lord's ability to find lost things both small and large. If you feel lost or out of touch with your Heavenly Father or forgotten by Him, I say to you that He has not forgotten you. I know this with a surety that words cannot convey. You are not lost to Him. And if you turn to Him in humility - not having to understand all His reasons and methods - just in humility to accept His will for you, He will get in touch with you. He will help you become Found. It may take time, years even, but He will make you Found. 

True Spirit of Christmas Part III

I know it is a bit late for todays challenge. Actually my own True Spirit task for the day was to visit Camille's grave. It has been a long while since we were last there. But perhaps I will tell you tomorrow's challenge today so you can prepare if you choose to join me.

Tomorrow I am going to have each person in my family write a letter to Jesus. Consider it a sort of birthday letter. We all know that some of the best gifts we can be given are heartfelt letters from those we love. We have a stocking just for Jesus. It is white velvet and beautiful. Every year we fill it with our "gifts" to the Savior. Other years we have done promises of how we will change or lists of acts of service we have performed in His name. This year we are going to do letters of love.

We will also be reading the Christmas story from the Bible before we write these letters. Feel free to join if you like.

Nygard Family

I spoke with Jenny Nygard tonight. She is in the state of shock you would imagine. She has 4 other little children aged 5 and under to keep her moving from day to day. I remember being where she is. The shock and pain and inability to eat or sleep.

I will be sending a care package to them. If you would like to join me in this effort their address is
15403 Corliss Place North
Shoreline WA 98133

They are a young couple in dental school. It is not cheap to pay for mortuary and cemetery costs plus the expense of a headstone. If you want to help this family consider sending money or a care package. I remember getting packages for my kids that really helped them find joy in a very sad time. Some ideas may be, a locket or activities for kids or an angel christmas tree ornament. Let the Spirit guide you. Or just money. It will cost them several thousand dollars no doubt when all is said and done. That is a lot when you are a student.

Thank you to all of you who have gone over to leave her comments. For those who want to go to her blog you can click HERE.

The True Spirit Part II

Jesus taught us that when we serve our fellow man we are really serving Him. So what better way to get into the True Spirit of Christmas than to serve someone who is in need. Maybe we don't daily come across people in our path that have real dire needs. But there are people out there everyday, in every city, with dire needs. Maybe we feel their needs are too big for us to help in any real way. But any small offering to a person in great need will be felt in the soul with gratitude.

So my challenge today is to reach out and serve someone in need - real need. I have been in real need before and had others there to serve me in small but meaningful ways. It is the best gift ever. Today I intend to give that gift to someone else.

Perhaps you would love to join me in this challenge but can't think of anyone to serve. May I present a suggestion.

Just a minute ago I checked my email and saw a comment on my last post from Jenny (an admitted follower/stalker of my blog since Camille's passing.) In her comment she told me that her 14 month old son died in his sleep last night. I will be calling Jenny today, as soon as I can get my kids settled so that I can give her my attention.

I know how it feels to be Jenny - shell shocked and stunned and sadder than words can ever describe. I can only imagine how it would be to have this tragedy hit just before Christmas. One thing that helped me was the overwhelming support I got through this blog and all the comments of love and support and the packages that showed up from friends and strangers alike. They were small things that meant a great deal to me in my darkest hours.

So if you don't have a better idea, go over to her blog and leave a comment for Jenny and her family to let them know they are loved and supported. Then go say a heartfelt prayer for them. If I get her permission I will post an address where we can send care packages to them on this post later, after I talk to her.

Hopefully this will be the most meaningful gift we give this year, the gift of love and support to one in real need and consequently to our Savior.

Catching the True Spirit of Christmas

In an effort to really focus my Christmas celebrating on the Savior I am counting down these last days with a series of challenges that I hope will hone my focus on the Savior and His Spirit this season. I hope all who read will join me in these challenges and pass them along so that we may increase the true Christmas Spirit exponentially in these last few days.

So for the first challenge, I ask that you listen to Handel's Messiah today. I have the CDs and will be pulling them out to be the soundtrack of my day. If you can't do this, at least watch the clip below to get a bit of that true Christmas Spirit of the Savior.

25.5 Weeks

For those of you who only understand pregnancy in terms of months, this means I am about 5.5 months. I will be 6 months on New Years Eve. So I still have quite a ways to go. Here is what I am looking like these days (well this morning actually.) I guess I should note that I actually think I look much smaller in this photo than normal but then I am wearing all black and my hubby took this photo looking down at me (both seem to have a slimming effect.)

The bottom line is that my belly is out there. I feel bigger bellied than I normally am at this point. That makes me think maybe this baby is going to be a bigger baby. I feel as big as I was with Lauren at this point and she was 9 lbs. 4 ozs. So we will see if this feeling continues through the rest of this pregnancy or if it changes as this progress.

Another note about this baby. He seems rather chill. He is not a crazy active baby. Sure I feel him moving often but never with huge kicks or repeated big movements. He just shifts around and gently nudges me from time to time. I hope that is a foreshadowing of personality. I could sure use a chill baby. :) You know, the kind that hardly ever cries and loves to sleep. Lauren was like that. It was awesome.

And for our name update - we do have a name we like. But we are not so settled on it that we feel like announcing it yet. All our girls are pretty much planning on it and tell everyone that is the baby's name but Jon and I think we will may wait till the baby is born before we make it official and announce a name. We have a few back up names we also like in case one of those seems more appropriate at the time. We will see.

Anyway I thought you might like to see how the belly grows these days. It grows. And I grow with it. I am feeling much better today. So glad not to feel so sick anymore. Hopefully I can stay healthy through the rest of the holidays.

Last day of School

Christmas Break starts after school today. I have an agenda of activities to do with the kids in the week leading up to Christmas. I hope I feel well enough to make it happen. I feel like I have been sick this whole pregnancy between my morning sickness for the first 20 weeks and this cold for the past 3.

But I still have hope that I will be better any day. And I have so many fun things I want to do with the kids that I hope I really am better... like tomorrow. At least my asthma is under control and I can breathe.

I follow as blog called the Family Volley. It is written by a part time professor of Family Psychology at my alma mater BYU and full time mom of 3. I like it because she has great tips for common family problems and super ideas for family fun. I particularly liked her last post on ideas for fun activities to do with your kids during this Christmas break. You can find it HERE.  Some of them were already on my "do list" but she had a few I will be adding.

What is your favorite family activity leading up to Christmas?

36

Today I am 36. Jon sent me to the spa as my present. It was the best present ever. I got a "mommy to be" massage and a pedicure. I was there for about 3 hours and I felt like I was in heaven and not sick for all 3 of those hours. It was great.

It made me think, as I was getting my massage and thinking of how heavenly it was, about what the soundtrack of heaven would be like? Maybe different for every person? I have to think it will be quieter there than here but I wonder if there will be music playing all the time to emote peace. Or maybe music will be on a whole new level there that we can't even imagine here.

I look forward to having all of those curious questions of mine answered someday. For now I am more than happy to enjoy the "heavenly" things of this earth - like a great spa day for a tired achy body.

Random Post

After my 3 hour nap yesterday, I ended up crawling into bed at around 7 p.m. I slept till 9, got up for an hour and headed back to bed till 8 this morning. All that sleep has really helped and I feel much more alive today. I can tell I still have a bit of a head cold but at least I have some energy and the nausea is gone.

I just got off the phone with a friend whose neighbor had a 2 year old child drown a couple days ago. She wanted my advice on how she could help or what she could do. My heart aches for this unknown family having to face this at Christmas of all times. I will be praying for them.

We have school off today for Parent Student Teacher Conferences. Going to all 3 conferences in a row this morning just highlighted to me how different each of my children are and how much work it is to figure out how to parent each of them according to their specific needs. Each kid has some totally different area to work on. Their personalities are just so different.

And then there is Noble, waking up from his nap right now. Guess I better log off as I am back on duty.

My Fairy Godmother

Today has been a rough day. I don't know why but this pregnancy just is kicking my bootie. I was up last night nauseous again. What is the deal with that? Not sure. But it sapped my energy today. I have been dragging all day. But I had stuff to do so... you know. I drug myself out of bed and did my chores.

The grocery store was my first stop. Then home to make soup for my families tonight. I made cream of broccoli. It was a soup day for me for sure.  Mid day I called my mom to see if she could pick up some bread bowls for me. She said she would be out in few hours to bring them to me. Just then my soup boiled over making a huge mess of my cooktop. Oh and the phone rang.

I was dead on my feet by this point so I turned off the stove and headed up to take a nap while Noble napped. I woke up 3 hours later to find my mother in my newly cleaned kitchen with my kids. I felt like Cinderella.

I love my mother. She is the best. I am so grateful to have her close and for all the help she gives me. Mothers truly are the best invention ever.

Remembering

People often ask me if I think of Camille every day still. The answer is YES. I think of her every. single. day. And more than once a day too. I think of her every time I see the plants in our home that were given to us by people at her funeral. I think of her as I see photos of her and places she used to love to be in our home. I remember her everyday.

I remember her daily not always with sorrow. Most of the time my thoughts of her are loving and tender but not sad and filled with negative or unhelpful emotions like regret and wishing things were different. It just is what it is and she still IS and so I remember her. I remember her as I try to make choices to keep the Spirit in our home so she will feel welcome here. I remember her as I make tough choices that will help me grow closer to Christ and thus closer to being where she is.

I have had remembering on my mind a bit lately as I have friends struggling with their extended family not "remembering" their deceased child at important times. This is a hard thing. It is hard to have the world and even your family not remember your child who still IS bur just can't be seen.

It isn't that they necessarily forget your child. But not forgetting and remembering are different. You can not forget and simple not think of someone. It is natural. It happens to all of us. We move away from friends and then people we used to think about everyday are no longer a part of our daily lives. We don't forget them. We simply don't think of them everyday anymore.

And it is natural that this happens when people we know die, I suppose. That is how I am with my grandparents. I even think of them still often. But not daily. Not like Camille. When someone you are that close to dies, it is different. You remember them every single day. And it is hard to see others not remember when you remember her so well.

Last night as I was praying, I told the Lord that I remember His Son.  Then I thought about that. How well do I remember Him?  How close am I to Him? Do I really remember Him everyday? It gave me a good perspective on how my Father must want ME to remember His Son. I vowed to do better at really remembering Him. I vowed to cut through the noise of the world and the fun of the season and really REMEMBER Him and what He did for me - who He is to me - what He can teach me still.

Maybe if I work harder to really remember Him, it will be easier to become more like Him. And if nothing else I can say with a fully honest heart in my prayers to the Father that I Do Remember Him every. single. day.

Lost and Found

Today I went looking for some little prizes I had left over from one of our block parties. I needed them to create a little gift for a Secret Santa family. I knew they were in the closet under our stairs. I had seen them when I cleaned it out just a few weeks ago.

I didn't find them. I hate losing things. Some things I lose are no big deal - like these little prizes. They are just an annoyance. Other things we lose are kind of a bigger deal but with enough money they can be replaced - like Jon's keys to our car. Then there are some losses that can never be replaced and they just eat at you over the years.

As I was searching for those prizes I looked in a storage container with some odds and ends in it. Inside I found what I would like to think of as Camille's birthday/Christmas present to me, to Jon, and to our little family. I saw a mini DV tape with the title "Camille's birth" on it. I have been missing it since we moved into this house almost 3 years ago.

After she died I searched high and low for it. I knew it existed because I had written about it in my journaling of her birth. But for all my grief stricken searching I couldn't find it. How many times since then have I seen a mini DV tape and wondered where THAT tape was?

I called the girls together and plugged the tape in to the machine to play it on the TV. It is an hour long of her first 8 months on this earth. It has her first and only Christmas. It has lots of time with Jon just taping her newborn noises and her learning to roll. It also has adorable footage of the older girls. It has Lauren's 2nd birthday and Sabrina's kindergarten graduation and first piano recital. It has Annie at just barely 4 years old welcoming her baby sister Camille into the world, being the first to hold her hand and stroke her head.

She was so beautiful and perfect. One of the first scenes after her birth was of me holding her and dressing her at 2 weeks old. It was just me and her and Jon taping. I told of how everywhere we went everyone wanted to hold her. Now I know people love newborns and want to hold them. But this was different. Everywhere she went with me people ... strangers ... asked me if they could hold her - my 2 week old.  And I let them. She loved people. She was so happy to be out and about with other people to look at and explore.

In the tape I said, "our beautiful little Camille. She is our family's ambassador to the world." How prophetic this statement turned out to be. And she still is. I am overcome ... with joy at finding this tape ... with sorrow missing her ... with gratitude for this most precious "gift" of a find. I am simply undone.

'Tis the Season

I have spent the week coughing. I have spent the nights trying to breathe through my asthma. Sabrina was sent home sick from school on Friday. She has a fever and cough. This morning Annie had a fever. We girls are staying home from church and trying to find our own bit of spirituality at home today -- between naps and coughs and medicine.

I guess it is the season and this is what happens. I have been thinking that if I am not significantly better by tomorrow that maybe I will go see a doctor. Then I realized I haven't been to a doctor other than my OBGYN since I moved to Vegas. That is about 4 years. Sure I have been sick with colds, a stomach bug here and there, and pregnancy related things but it has been a long time since I have been really sick. What a blessing.

And knowing how many people out there in the world are suffering daily from illnesses and chronic pain I will certainly not complain about my cough and asthma. I have come to see more clearly in the past couple years that suffering is all relative. It is all real. But in the grand scheme, it is also all relative.

Merry Christmas!

I will be picking up my Christmas Card tomorrow and working on getting them out this week. Here is a view for all you who faithfully follow!

A great big thanks to Whitney Bennett who helped bring my idea for our Christmas card to life again this year. If you are interested in having her design a card for you or using one of her preset designs, shoot her an email at whitbennett@gmail.com. Custom cards run $20 and preset designs are only $10.

Gratitude Day 30

I am grateful for giving. 

I am grateful that we all get to give of ourselves during this Christmas season. 

I am so very grateful for all that the readers of this blog give to me everyday. Even if you just read and have never made a comment. I still feel the support from you. I thank you. I am grateful for you.

I am grateful for all the prayers that have been said in behalf of my family over the years. 

I am grateful for the help or at least understanding I have been able to offer other families who have had to enter this journey of grief. 

I am grateful for all the gifts and service that has been done for our family.

I am grateful for Christine Dallimore who made and sent me this adorable "Camille Doll" this summer. She has been loved and cared for by Camille's mother and sisters. She even sent a couple of alternate outfits. This Christmas she has taken a place of honor in our home.

 We never had found an angel for the top of our tree that we liked. This Camille doll is perfect. She is our own little angel sitting at the top of our family tree. Thank you Christine. We love the role she fills on our tree and how it reminds us of the role she continues to play in our lives. 

Most of all I am grateful for the God's gift of His Son to the earth. It is through this greatest of all gifts that all mankind is blessed and given hope for better things to come.

I am grateful for giving.

Gratitude Day 29

I am grateful that I am not alone.

Last night I was up quite often. I have a bit of a cough that gets bad only at night right now. But it had me up in the night last night several times coughing, drinking, peeing, and taking my inhaler so I could breathe.

Around 4 a.m. I was up yet again. I was having a hard time falling back asleep with all my coughing. Now it isn't like I was on death's doorstep. I wasn't so miserable that I was praying for relief. I was just up. And of course when I am up I am thinking. And as I was laying there thinking, I realized something. I realized I was not alone - and I don't mean that Jon was in the bed with me. I mean he was but someone was with me awake and aware with me.

It is hard to describe how this realization came. It wasn't a vision or some major spiritual event. It was more like when you know something is bothering you but you can't put a finger on what and suddenly you realize it is that you are hot or hungry and you have been to busy to notice. Well it was like that. I just felt ... not alone ... watched over.

I did not feel any impression of who it was and really it doesn't matter. I was just grateful that even in our small troubles the Lord sends someone to stand by us and watch over us. I wish I could "realize" or recognize this every time it happens. I am sure it happens so much more than any of us know.

I was grateful to be able to "feel" it and recognize it last night. No matter where we are or what is going on around us, we are not alone. We are being watched over. We have a heavenly cheering section helping us through hard things and encouraging us to make the right choices everyday. Oh that we may follow their sway more and listen less to the temptations of the adversary.

I am so grateful that the Lord sees fit to not leave us alone.

Gratitude Day 28

Today I am grateful for the pitter patter of little feet in my home. Every time I hear the fast soft rushing of Noble's little feet against our tile floors I smile in gratitude. I am so grateful to have a little someone rushing around discovering the world one tiny step at a time. The sound of his running little feet reminds me of how blessed I am to have a tiny little one in my life again.

Gratitude Day 27

I am thankful I wasn't up all night throwing up like my brother and his wife. I am grateful for our safe journey home. I am thankful to have a bed to sleep in. I am really really thankful for my own bed.