Wednesday, December 8, 2010


People often ask me if I think of Camille every day still. The answer is YES. I think of her every. single. day. And more than once a day too. I think of her every time I see the plants in our home that were given to us by people at her funeral. I think of her as I see photos of her and places she used to love to be in our home. I remember her everyday.

I remember her daily not always with sorrow. Most of the time my thoughts of her are loving and tender but not sad and filled with negative or unhelpful emotions like regret and wishing things were different. It just is what it is and she still IS and so I remember her. I remember her as I try to make choices to keep the Spirit in our home so she will feel welcome here. I remember her as I make tough choices that will help me grow closer to Christ and thus closer to being where she is.

I have had remembering on my mind a bit lately as I have friends struggling with their extended family not "remembering" their deceased child at important times. This is a hard thing. It is hard to have the world and even your family not remember your child who still IS bur just can't be seen.

It isn't that they necessarily forget your child. But not forgetting and remembering are different. You can not forget and simple not think of someone. It is natural. It happens to all of us. We move away from friends and then people we used to think about everyday are no longer a part of our daily lives. We don't forget them. We simply don't think of them everyday anymore.

And it is natural that this happens when people we know die, I suppose. That is how I am with my grandparents. I even think of them still often. But not daily. Not like Camille. When someone you are that close to dies, it is different. You remember them every single day. And it is hard to see others not remember when you remember her so well.

Last night as I was praying, I told the Lord that I remember His Son.  Then I thought about that. How well do I remember Him?  How close am I to Him? Do I really remember Him everyday? It gave me a good perspective on how my Father must want ME to remember His Son. I vowed to do better at really remembering Him. I vowed to cut through the noise of the world and the fun of the season and really REMEMBER Him and what He did for me - who He is to me - what He can teach me still.

Maybe if I work harder to really remember Him, it will be easier to become more like Him. And if nothing else I can say with a fully honest heart in my prayers to the Father that I Do Remember Him every. single. day.


Karen said...

My twin sister's name is Camille. She died when we were two of a heart condition. I think of her always, even though it has been almost 17 years since her passing. Every year we have a "camille day" Where all my extended family gets together and we simply remember her, and talk about her life. When I hear of someone's death, I just tell my sister to give them a hug from me. so today I tell my Camille to hug your Camille.

sonja said...

Very poignant as you always are. I grieve with you and know intimately what it is to think of a loved one lost daily. I, too, will try to remember Him each day as I do my mom. Thank you for sharing so honestly with us. It really does help.

All American Family said...

thank you

The Lucksters said...

I needed that! I am struggleing with the season.(All that stuff that is not about him). Thank you very much.

a.k.a. Jack said...

What a perfect analogy. And, how much closer to God are you for having gone through your experiences. I'm so glad that you share your journey with us so that we can learn along with you (though I'm sure not to the degree that you are learning). But, it's so nice to be able to learn from your perspective and beautiful thoughts always so excellently articulated. Thanks, Stephanie.

chanel said...

very profound and HELPFUL to me, to understand what REMEMBERING means, really means. and i LOVE your Christmas cards! thanks as always!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing that - what a wonderful perspective on remembering those we love including our Savior.

The Robinson's said...

My grandmother raised me since I was a toddler. She passed away when I was 18. She has been gone now for 14 years. I think of her quite often. I still cry for her too.

In my prayers I ask Heavenly Father to please take care of her. Isn't that funny? I'm positive she went to heaven, but yet I still want to make sure she is doing well and so I ask HIM to still watch over her. Funny? Maybe. But she's still in my prayers!

Anonymous said...

i lost my mother two years ago. i pray often for her, i remember her daily and cry often because i miss her. i know that she is in a better place, i have told my children that death isnt the end of her journey its the beginning of happiness and joy for her and that one day we will all be together again.
you have shown such strength and been such an example to my healing... thank you for sharing your feelings and your experiences...

Anonymous said...

My best friend passed away four years ago to breast cancer. She was very young. I still think about her EVERY day. I was beginning to think that maybe something was wrong with me, but reading this makes me feel better. I too am working on my relationship with Christ. In fact, our family theme for this school year is "Always Remember Him." Everyday I renew my efforts to do just that. Thank you for your words. You have a beautiful spirit and family.

The Holland Family said...

I enjoyed your post today. What a great way to think of remembering our Savior. I too think of Mia still every single day. I echo your feelings that it is not normally sad thoughts of her. I love her and can't wait to be with her again. I like the parallel you made with remembering Jesus. I can't wait to be with Him again also. Thank you for your awesome words today. Someday I still want to meet you and talk about our girls. Merry Christmas!
Love, Nicole - Mia's mom ^i^

Pam said...

You don't know me, but I've read your blog regularly since Camille passed away. I admire your honesty and strength. My daughter worked at Aspen Grove that summer, in with the infants and toddlers, so I felt some sort of weird connection to you.
I loved your analogy with the Savior and it gives that whole relationship special meaning. I'd like to believe that I remember Him always, but know I can do better.
I hope your family has a very Merry Christmas. Please know that you are loved and admired by many and we often remember you and your family.

Curly said...


I just finished reading your last two entries and am in tears, particularly since I have been meaning to tell you for weeks now about something that has been recently happening with our Monet. Since our baby Coco recently turned a year and has gotten more precociously busy with toilets, etc. we have been talking to the kids about some basic precautions around the house. In that context, your experience with Camille came up and we explained to the kids about what happened to her and to all of you.

All of them soberly listened, yet to our four-year-old Monet it made the largest impression. Ever since that day, whenever she is asked to pray, of her own accord Monet specifically asks the Lord to "please bless Baby Camille that she'll be okay and safe with Jesus and that she'll be able to see her family again." I literally cannot count how many times she has done this, but in each instance I am deeply touched, and I can feel the depth of her faithful sincerity. Each time it is a sweet experience for both Sterling and me.

A couple days ago your family Christmas card showed up, and I was eager to show it to Monet. She took interest in each of your children, trying to process the names with the faces. When she got to Camille's beautiful picture she sat and stroked it tenderly, and began to ask me more questions about the plan of salvation. Every so often I notice her stealing another glance at Camille. It's amazing to me because this little girl clearly feels some sort of a connection with her.

After reading your entry I now understand why the Spirit has been nagging me to contact you about this in some way. I have felt that I needed to tell you that our family remembers Camille more often than you may ever expect, and that my daughter developed a deep and genuine love for her.

Amanda (& Sterling)

Melanie said...

You are amazing. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and insight. What a beautiful and personal analogy to help us all "remember" better.

Jan S said...

Incredibly moving...thank you, Stephanie!

I have a good friend whose daughter died tragically (suicide). One day, when I brought up a memory of her daughter, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face and said, "Do you know you are about the only person, next to our family, who speaks about her to me and actually says her name?" It had never dawned on me that others might be "afraid" to bring up her wonderful daughter to her. And, as you had said in another one of my favorite posts, this friend of mine also said she missed hearing her daughter's name..and she missed hearing others speak her daughter's name.

The things of which you write are so helpful to all of us. I truly feel you ARE much more connected to Heavenly Father because of your experiences. Thank you for reminding "us" of about the importance of remembering. Your parallel to Jesus' death remembering him in our daily lives was especially poignant and moving to me. I, too, often find this time of year hard, especially as my own mother fights cancer.

Sorry for the long post- I just felt the need to thank you and let you know how you (and Camille!) have helped me today!