Camille's Birthday

April 19, 2010 has been a wonderful day. A day of births and insights, good feelings and kindness. Jon took this picture of Noble this morning. It is the first time Noble has ever climbed in to the cup drawer. He usually just likes to take the cups all out and toss them all over the floor. 

I was still sorting through all my emotions this morning. We had our oatmeal and got the kids off to school. But it was not as sweet a feeling as it was last year. It is harder to find that sweetness when you have to hurry and get ready for school. Still the kids were being extra kind to each other in honor of Camille's birthday.

After dropping the kids to school and putting Noble down for a nap, I went on a long walk with some friends. I did my first act of kindness in helping my friend push her two boys in the double stroller (a total of about 100 lbs.) up the steepest parts of the hills. 

Coming home Noble was already up from what turned out to be a VERY short nap. (That kid! He needs to like napping more.) So he kept me company for the morning. I heard from my family that Nikki and Darren had their babies and that they were all healthy for the most part. That was good to hear. 

I sat watching Noble bopping to his musical toy and smiling at me. And I just felt a wave of wholeness and happiness rush over me. He is a joy to me. I am so grateful to have him. Babies are a great joy and I am felt so happy in that moment to have my little niece and nephew born into the world.

I went to check my Google reader page and saw that my friend Rach had her little baby girl Ellie this morning too. Rach was the first mother I found on the internet who had also lost a child. Her daughter Hannah drowned the summer before Camille. I found strength in how positive she was and how she was coping with her grief. I have tried to model my path through grief after her example. So to see that she had her baby girl on Camille's birthday... well it just seemed like a full circle moment.

From then on the day has been great. I have had several friends do acts of kindness for me. I made a great cake for Camille's birthday. (Dang! I forgot to get a photo of it.) Well, here is what is left of it. I covered a yummy chocolate cake with chocolate ganache filling in homemade whip cream and topped with our family made of fruit. It was supposed to be all of us up in the clouds together.  :)

I went to get ice cream with Lauren and tipped the ice cream scooper with a HUGE tip that stopped her in her tracks. That was really fun! Wish I had a photo of her face when I handed it to her and told her it was her tip and to have a super day.

Then after dinner and before we ate the cake we went on a hike as a family. There is a crack in the mountain that we see as we drive down our street. I have been wanting to hike up to it since we moved here and I just never have. Today Sabrina, Annie, and I reached the summit of it. Jon, Noble, and Lauren waited a few hundred yards below for us. We got some great photos on our hike. There were lots of wild flowers blooming all over the mountains. 

After our hike we came home and cleaned up the dinner mess and decorated the birthday cake. Some friends came over to have cake and ice cream with us. It was a good time. Now I have read all my comments of Cami Kindness acts and that has just rounded out a wonderful day. Thank you all so much from spreading kindness today and sharing it with me. I love you all! Enjoy the photos of our hike!

Leaving our neighborhood

Sabrina by some of the wildflowers

The family taking in the site from the first summit

Annie -- Queen of the mountain!

Family Photo on top of the Mountain

Cute Lauren on top of the world.

The girls sitting in "the cavity of the rock"

Me looking up through a hole in the ceiling of a rock to see the girls above.

The girls headed down to our street. Jon, Noble and Lauren way small ahead of them.

The crack in the rock to which we climbed. We stood on the top of the right hand cliff.

Cami's Kindness Day - April 19th

Tomorrow, April 19, is Camille's birthday. I have just finished the blog book as her present. I have ordered copies for my each of my children and all the people who contacted me to pre order a book. Anyone else who wants one can order one now from Blurb. I know they are pricey, but they may make a good gift to someone who has lost a child. 

I have been ... emotional the last couple of days. I was pretty weepy most of yesterday. I feel a little more "lost" in what to do for Camille's birthday this year than I did last year.

My sister-in-law Nikki is having twins by C-Section tomorrow morning at 7:15. My parents and sister and her kids have all headed down to welcome the new baby cousins. My kids will have school tomorrow. I considered pulling them out for the day but Sabrina is in the middle of state standardized testing. She really needs to be in school this week. 

So I will likely be much more alone this April 19th than I was last year going to church and having a big family party. I don't know how I feel about that. At least there are some thing I do know. I know I want to eat cake and ice cream. I know we will have oatmeal (Camille's favorite) for breakfast. I know we will all wear some blue. And I did get the blog book done for her birthday. Still, I feel I want to do something more to celebrate and remember her. 

I was reading through the blog book as I was editing. I saw that last year I asked my blog followers to join me in doing "random acts of kindness" as gifts for Camille's birthday. I remember last year how nice it was to read those at night when my mind got tired and my emotions weepy. I would love to invite any who read this to join me again this year in spreading kindness and happiness tomorrow in honor of Camille. 

Please spread the word. Tell your friends and family that it is "Cami's Kindness" day tomorrow and then, if you don't mind, leave me a comment here on this post to let me know what you did to spread kindness. It can be simple and small - sharing a smile, giving someone a hug who needs one, extra snuggle time with your child even when you are tired. Or it can be bigger - a donation to a charity, forgiving someone and letting them know you forgive them, over-tipping a server. 

Thank you all so much who read this humble blog of a borderline computer literate, design challenged, forgetful photo taker. I know my blog isn't the "cutest blog on the block" or the most tech savvy either. But I appreciate you all reading anyway. You give me strength through the weepy times when I feel otherwise alone.

Remembering Levi-Signs of Healing

Today I went to "Levi's Lemonade Stand," a fundraiser for Primary Children's Hospital in Honor of Levi Nance who was born a year ago today. He passed away the next day from unknown causes. His parents are friends of mine. His mother and I were in the Relief Society Presidency together when I was pregnant and having Camille. She made Camille's favorite soft blanket. 

She set up the room for the luncheon that followed Camille's funeral. She came to my shower for Noble. She was 9 months pregnant with Levi at the time. Just days later I got a call from my friend, a nurse who attended to me after I had Camille and who was with me when I gave birth to Noble. She had been my friend's labor and delivery nurse with Levi. She told me about Levi's birth and his unexplainable trouble breathing shortly after delivery. She told me how he was flown to Primary Children's in Salt Lake for treatment and how he passed away there.

Tonight I went to the Lemonade Stand and remembered Levi and enjoyed a bit of time with his family. The one year mark seems so long ago to me now. I was still fighting for joy back then. I remember how difficult the months were just after the one year mark for me. And in that I saw how far I have come in my healing this second year. I no longer have to fight for joy. It is all around me. 

I think Noble has played a big role in this healing. He has now surpassed Camille in weight and height and developmental milestones. He has not and never will replace Camille. But he has replenished our family emotionally in so many ways. He helps us remember Camille and the love we have for her. So many times I feel as if I am loving twins when I love on him. I may only be holding one baby in my arms but there are two in my heart. I am loving him for both of them.

Blog Book Birthday Gift

I have finally forced myself to start editing my Blog Book. It was so emotional for me to go through and put it together. I just haven't wanted to revisit it to make the corrections my 3 fabulous editors made to it. It has been sitting on my desk for about 4 months now. 

But in one week it will be Camille's birthday. And I want to get it done and publish it for her birthday. My goal is to send an order out for my book and make it available to the public on her birthday, April 19th. It is  my birthday present of sorts to her.

It has been hard even to go through and do these simple edits. It is like revisiting the day of each post I edit. I hurt for my former self knowing how much pain I was in when I wrote some of those entries. And yet, there are other entries that buoy me up and remind me of how strong the Spirit was around us in those early months. In some of the entries I almost envy my former self for how sure I felt. But then I remember, "That is exactly why you wrote these things down." I wrote so that I could remember now how I felt then and KNOW that all is right as it is now. 

The book is, to me, a treasure. It is a reminder of the multiple witnesses of the Spirit that came to me in the days surrounding and the many weeks after Camille's accident. I hope it will help my children remember and learn more about this time in their lives as well.

To anyone who may want a copy. Please email me and if you can get me the money for it by the 19th I will order a copy for you with my order. There is a discount if you order in bulk so we may as well order together. I think the book will end up being between $60-$80 depending on if you want softcover or hardcover. But I will let anyone who emails me know the exact price we can get with the volume discount. My email is stephaniewaite @ gmail . com

When the Cat's Away

What do your kids do with your baby sitter when you are out? Yesterday I downloaded the photos on my camera and found a few clues as to what my kids do.

What started as "towers" turned into something more.

From the heights of the towers to the small details of lids carefully stacked in perfect harmony or kissing inhalers, this work of art was all cleaned up by the time we got home. But this evidence explained a lot about my kids talk of building cities with that night's babysitter. I love great babysitters. I love when they play with my kids. And I love when they clean up so the only evidence of the fun is on my SD card. 

the quiet

With a husband who works from home and works nearly every waking hour, I have become accustomed to having someone here with me in the house all the time. Personally, I love this. I inherited from my father a gene that hates to do things solo. I just enjoy the company of others. I love having my husband just in the other room even if we are working independent of each other. 

Lately, however, some of my husband's business has taken him "off site." He has had some meetings and lunches and even a business trip or two that have taken him out of the home. He just was at a meeting tonight. And it is so ... quiet when he is out. I don't mean really that there is less noise. But I feel the absence of him. And even if he is only out for a couple of hours ... I miss him.

I know. Pathetic. I sound like a newly married woman who is sad at the first time she has to spend a night away from her husband. But it is just the way it is.

A couple of weeks ago we celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. He took me to a nice restaurant. We sat on the patio over looking the famous local dancing fountains at one the nice hotels here. It was one of the most romantic dinners we have ever had. The waters danced and my heart sang. 

I love my husband. He is my best friend. These short times he goes away only remind me how much I love him. Sometimes we need to feel the quiet to appreciate the background music that fills our everyday lives. 

Happy Month

Tonight Jon came in the Family Room and announced it was time for Family Home Evening. We did not have a plan for what we were were going to do yet, but that never stops us. So I asked him what we wanted to do for FHE? Ann Marie was sitting on my lap. She said, "It is a new month. We have to pick a new theme for the month."

I am so glad my 7 year old is here to keep me on track. I am so good at coming up with great ideas and so not good at following all the way through with them. But we have had a new theme for every month so far this year and with her reminder we are going to keep on going. Annie is a finisher. She will be a blessing and inspiration to me all my life.

So to recap, January was "clean up after yourself" month. February was "Love" month. March was "Just Do It" month. I must admit I did NOT do that one well at all. Going to have to try to improve in that still. But then all of these monthly goals are intended to live on after the month is over. And just today I had Lauren tell me that I needed to "clean up after myself month" with something I left out. So little by little I guess it is working.

With Ann Marie's reminder we decided to discuss possible themes and choose one. Ann Marie burst right out with her first suggestion -- "Be Happy" month. Now it is April. April is Camille's birthday month. So we really wanted to pick a theme that Camille would want. We discussed several other options that we thought would be appropriate. But in the end we are going with "Happiness" month. Our goal is to Be Happy ourselves and to make others happy by serving them. We are out to create happiness this month.

Last year I asked everyone to do random acts of kindness as a gift to Camille for her birthday. This year I ask that you join our family in Happiness Month and try to BE Happy and create Happiness for others. This can be done just by smiling more and sharing your smile with others or by asking someone who is down what you can do to help them be happy. Sometimes a little act of service can brighten someone's day.

I am going to work really hard to make this goal successful for me. I will admit that it is going to take some serious work. I can't say I have been feeling very happy the past little bit. When I go back to my recipe for happiness I see that I am lacking in the "do something physical everyday" category and the "learn something new everyday" category. So I am going to start learning an new word and running or doing pilates everyday ... again.

I hope this will help me feel happy so I can share that happiness with those around me more fully. I can't think of anything Camille would want more for her birthday than to have me, her family, and all those who know of her to feel a bit more happiness in their life.

Annie almost 3 years ago holding Camille

Thanks Ann Marie for the reminder and the idea and thanks to Camille for the inspiration.

Early Warning Signals

Today I listened to Elder Bednar speak about how we as parents can get "early warning signals" that will tell us how our children are doing. It is well worth the listen no matter what religion you are. You can find it HERE. The principles of how to raise a strong family taught in that talk are not specific to the LDS faith I think. If you are in the process of raising kids I would highly recommend giving it a listen. In today's world we all need any help we can to see the signs that our children may be struggling with any given issue. 

So this talk made me think of an "early warning sign" that I heard from the mouth of my little Ann Marie this week. Here is how it unfolded itself.

We were in the car driving and Sabrina was talking about chewing tobacco because there are some boys in the book she just read (Where the Red Fern Grows) that chew some. Annie asked what tobacco was. So I explained what it is and that some people chew it and spit out the juice and other people roll it up into cigarettes and smoke it. We talked a bit about how gross all that tobacco spit would be. 

Then I hear Ann Marie say, "You know why I don't smoke Mom?"

"Why don't you smoke Annie?" I replied. I was expecting something like the fact that it can give you cancer or it is gross smelling or that Heavenly Father doesn't want us to. We have talked about why we don't smoke to our kids several times before. No. Those were not her reasons.

"Because I don't know how." That was her answer. 

Geez. I guess I better be careful what I teach that girl. Early Warning Sign noted. ;)

A Different Sort of Spring Cleaning

This has been a busy week. I have been keeping the kids busy having fun and meanwhile I have been doing some serious Spring Cleaning. I don't mean the kind that makes my house shiny. I mean the kind that makes my soul feel calm and clean and ordered.

Sometimes humanity's frailties and failings overwhelm me. This week I felt so utterly helpless to overcome my own human frailties. I try and try and try and still every time in one way or another I fail in my feeble attempts. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. I forget things -- appointments and classes -- that I have just been reminded about minutes before. I over schedule. I get tired of the constant daily routine. I get tired ... period. My mind gets weary of the worry -- the anxiety -- the stress of being responsible for the lives and happiness of these beautiful children with which I have been entrusted. 

This week I had a breaking point. It was culmination of things that just made me question almost everything I have believed these last two years. In many ways I have felt like I have been Peter walking on the water these last two years and this last week ... well I started to sink. 

So I spent a night crying till there were no more tears. And then I got an early morning migraine. And I fasted. And I prayed... lots. And I went to the temple. And I talked to my every faithful husband. He is so good. I have never loved him more than when he held my hand as I suffered with my migraine in the tub at 5 a.m.

I wanted a great miracle. I wanted a vision or to hear the voice of a heavenly being. I wanted something undeniable to tell me all that I have believed regarding Camille was in fact true - that it WAS her time and that the Lord would have taken her one way or another. I wanted a more sure witness of these beliefs. 

What I got instead was peace -- simple quietude of mind and spirit. The tempest of my mind was stilled and my questions left. Their urgency was lost. I was left with the quiet spirit of peace telling me that I was in fact accepted of the Lord. The message instilled in my soul was that it is more important that I focus my energy on trying my best to do all I can to create and feel love and joy with my family NOW ... today, than to worry about a thing in the past. 

In the end of this process, I guess I came to see that living in that Peace is all I really need. Because I know that He is the Author of the Peace and that is answer enough.

Contest Winner

The contest winner is Just A Mom (just call me JAM for short).  CONGRATS. Email me your address and your favorite store and I will send you a $15 GC to use there.

The answer was that I didn't know that the people who work at the Humanitarian Center are refugees and are given free English classes and taught a trade. That was the totally "new" information to me. I had heard all the stats before on membership.

Thanks for playing everyone!

Spring Break with the kids has been keeping me busy. Since we didn't go on vacation I have been trying to spend the week being the director of our "Staycation." It is hard work being an entertainment director. We have activities and playdates planned for today and then it is time to CLEAN UP! Our vacation is nearing an end and I want a clean house for Conference and Easter.

Hope all of you are enjoying your week before Easter. loves-- Stephanie

Curious??? Join the Contest!

Once in a while I get comments with questions in them about my beliefs. So far they have all been very respectful and based out of curiosity. I just watched THIS video that NieNie linked to on her blog today. I found that it did a really good job of answering some questions people often have about our church -- the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. 

I recommend the video to all those who have any interest in Mormons. Even if you think you know all about Mormons, you may just learn something you didn't know. I know I learned something new watching it. Anybody want to guess which fact I didn't know? Watch the video. Guess which fact I didn't know in a comment and I will send a prize to the person who guesses right. If more than one person guess right I will randomly pick one of the correct guessers to win. 

What is the prize you ask? Hmmm. How about a gift card? Everyone loves gift cards right? $15 gift card to your favorite store (assuming your favorite store is one I can easily get to so I can buy the gift card.) Guesses must be in by end of the day on March 31st. I will announce the winner on April 1st -- No fooling!

Stay at Home

The cute reason I quit my job. 

Someone asked if it was hard for me to decide to stay at home with my kids or if that was always my plan. It is a worthwhile question. Here is your answer.

I was working as a criminal defense attorney when I was pregnant with Sabrina. It was good work and I loved it. It was interesting to me. I felt passionate about the cases I was working on. Best of all I was able to do quite a bit of the work from home. 

There is a lot of research and writing involved in criminal law. I was assisting a more experienced attorney with his grade 4 felony cases (mostly rapes and murders not up for the death penalty.) I did all his writing for him. I researched for him. I interviewed potential clients and ran down leads in the case. And when the cases when to trial I went with him and he let me get trial experience by sometimes questioning witnesses. It was fun and exciting. 

At the time I planned to keep working for him after I had my baby but more from home and just getting a sitter when I needed one. I thought I would get bored at home all day. 

Then I had Miss Sabrina. I stayed home with her for 3 months. Often Jon would come home from work and find me in the same place he left me -- rocking sleeping Sabrina in my arms. I just wanted to hold her all day. After about 3 months my boss called and asked me to go do an arraignment for him. All I had to do was go wait for the case to be called and then stand up with the client and put in his plea of "not guilty." 

I sat there for 3 hours next to this accused armed robber waiting to stand and say "not guilty your honor." That was the last day I worked. I missed my baby so badly in those three hours. Jon made enough money for us so I didn't HAVE to work and I just didn't want to be away from her. 

Sometimes now I think it would be nice to have a job to exercise my intellect a bit more and give me a break from being "mommy" all day. But when it comes right down to it I just don't want to miss even the boring slow parts of motherhood with my children. There will be a time for work someday. But right now I want to savor the time I have with these lovelies before they grow up and go away.

Spring is in the Air

My nose is drippy. My sneezles and sniffles and itchy eyes are all speaking to me. The leaves are returning on our Camille tree out front. The signs are all there. Spring is springing up all around. 

I have a love hate relationship with spring. Ever since I was about 7 or so I have had terrible allergies every Spring. It probably didn't help that my parents and our neighbors planted 11 olive trees on our cul de sac back then. Their pollen is the worst. 

I remember so many, many nights I spent with ice cold wet rags on my eyes to help with the itching and numb them so I could go to sleep. I usually could find a medicine to help with the other symptoms but the itchy eyes ... they were my nemesis back then. 

Now my eyes are much less of an issue for me. They are just a tale tell sign that my drippy nose is allergies and not a real sickness. And these days I find remedies to help me along with most of those symptoms. I have had a few weeks of severe asthma this season. But that seems to be getting better now too. Still Spring has always been a season of physical suffering for me.

On the other hand I LOVE the beauty of Spring. If it weren't for the allergies and asthma I would say Spring was my favorite season by far. I love the flowers and the new leaves. I love the color and the rain showers. I love the warmer days. I just wish I could go outside and enjoy them fully. 

Now Spring also means preparing for Easter. Which has taken on an even weightier significance in our lives. And it means preparing for Camille's birthday. This means deep thinking, remembering, and subtle aching. It is a time to drink from the bitter cup of reality and bathe in the hope and promise offered by my Savior. It is another love hate aspect of Spring.

A Few of His Favorite Things

The Little Cowboy is getting better at walking. He always walks his best when he has a remote or a phone in his hand. The boy LOVES buttons.

This thing has LOTS of Buttons! And they make sound! Noble loves buttons and he LOVES music. Sometimes I could swear he is singing in the car to Annie's violin music CD. 

Noble loves his big sisters. Last night he was giving Annie a ride on the push toy. 

I don't have a photo of it yet but he has also learned to sign "more." I had been trying to teach him this for a few weeks. Then one day I was feeding him and he was getting fussy. So I showed his the signs again for More and All Done. He got really frustrated and balled his hands into fists and gritted his teeth and made all his little muscles get all tense with that look of frustration on his face. Then he looked straight at me and did the sign for "more" and said "MOE!" I got the message. Little guy loves food. 

Grieving Husband

To the Anon with the Grieving Husband: 

I know it is not easy to be there for our loved ones when they are hurting. It is hard for the husband watching the wife go through labor. It is hard for the mother seeing her child sick and in pain. It is difficult for a spouse watching their spouse grieve the loss of one of their family members. 

I have been on both ends of this dilemma. Neither is an easy place to be. But I think being the griever, you generally know what it is like to be the one who doesn't understand grief. I mean most of us at one point in our life didn't understand what it was like to lose someone close to you. There are those, like my children who learn this at a young age. But most of us remember what it was like to not understand.

So for me it is easier to give a broad allowance to friends and family who don't were not present for me at those painful times. I think I have just felt more grateful to have people who do get it then upset that some don't. Does that make sense? I don't expect ANYONE to get it so I don't have hard feelings about friends who didn't call or whatever. 

So I doubt your husband would think you are selfish. I don't think you are selfish. And yes someday this dilemma will go away. Someday you will understand your husband's grief. It is a fact of life that people die. Someday it is likely that someone you are close to will die before you do. And then you will better be able to mourn with him and not be scared by his grief. Till then perhaps you can write him a letter to tell him how you feel and how much you love him and how you wish you could be there for him more.

I can tell you that grief is one of those pains you have to "push through" just like labor. If you can find the courage and strength to sit with your husband and hold him while he cries and let him talk to you about his feelings I think you would find a new level of love in your marriage. I am sure if you pray for the strength and understanding to do this the Lord will help you "push through" your own pain so you can be there for him. You don't have to do the talking. It is okay if you cry with him. Just be there for him as much as you can.

Hope this helps and I hope you find the inner strength to push through and give birth to a new level of closeness in your marriage. 

Grace vs. Works

Anon commented as follows to my Bubble Kids post:

Loved this post. I have been following your blog for some time and have been praying for you and your family a lot. Can you answer a question for me? You said in your post in regard to getting to raise Camille again..."In the end she will be mine to raise 'if I live worthy'." Can you explain that to me? I am curious because I know that you are LDS and that I do not know exactly how yours and my faiths differ. I believe that by accepting Christ and knowing He died for my sins, I will be in Heaven one day. That part has been earned FOR me, not BY me. So I just wondered what you meant. Again, I am purely curious...in no way is this a confrontational question! Again, I loved this post. God Bless you and your family! Still praying for you all.

Thank you so much for the prayers Anon. I really do feel and appreciate all the prayers of support from so many of varied faiths all over the world. I can feel of their power in my life. I know it is through them and the power of the Atonement of Christ that my spirit and my heart have healed so much in the last two years. 

I appreciate your question and will try to answer. First I must explain though, that just as your question was asked in curiosity, my answer is given to inform only. I am not trying to convince anyone with this post that I am right. Of course I believe that. But I do not feel it my duty to convince any one of that. If anyone wants to know what is right and true, they ought to be asking God about that. He is the one who really convinces us (or converts us) to any truth. I know he answers my prayers in HIs own time and I have felt His Spirit teach me many truths. I know He loves all of us as His children. And so I believe He will answer any who honestly and earnestly seek to know what is True.

Okay now on to your question. It seems your question comes down to the wanting to understand how LDS people view the doctrine of Grace. Please correct me in a comment if I am wrong on that. We do in fact believe that we are indeed saved by Grace. But we believe that we must be found worthy of that Grace based upon our obedience  to the laws and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

Many years ago one of our prophets named David O. McKay gave an example to illustrate this. He told the story of a group of boys learning to swim. He told how one of the boys fell into a deep hole in the stream and would have drown but for a quick thinking friend who extended a branch to the boy. The boy took hold of the branch and was pulled by the friend to safety.

This example illustrates the relationship between grace and works. Christ has paid for our sins. He did the work. He extended the branch. But we believe that to take sufficient HOLD of the branch we must do more than just profess an acceptance of the offer. We must take firm grasp on it and hold true to it against the current as we are pulled to safety.

It is a misunderstanding to think Mormons believe we can earn our way to heaven through righteous living. We know that it is only in and through our Savior Jesus Christ that we are saved. But we are saved by Him after all we can do. As I noted in my Bubble post, we do all we can and rely on him to make us "perfect even as our Father in Heaven."

We do not believe we can profess acceptance of the Savior and then continue sinning thinking that the Savior will save us no matter how we live. It is like the parable of the 10 virgins. Only 5 had oil enough in their lamps when the Bridegroom came. We fill our lamps with oil through our Christ like acts. Even though all 10 knew of the Bridgegroom and wanted to go to his wedding, only 5 were let in. These were they whose actions afforded them enough oil.

Really we are trying to follow the Savior as closely as we can in our attempt to become like Him. We believe that in the great day of judgement He will know each of our hearts (if they are broken and contrite and repentant) and all our works (whether we tried our best to follow him and keep his commandments) and He will judge whether we have truly accepted the gift of the atonement that he has offered us.

If you would like a more in depth understanding of this principle, there is a great article HERE that goes over the teachings of Paul in the New Testament and how we understand Paul's teachings to support this doctrine. It isn't long. Just a page or two and totally worth the read if you are wanting more detail and scriptural citations.

Bubble Kids

There were some really good questions from the last post. I will try to get to them all as best I can in time but today's post is going to address the last question I read. Here it is:

How do you keep from feeling panicked that something might happen to one of your other children? Do you find yourself wanting to wrap them with bubble wrap or watching them every single instant? I find that I am so worried about something happening to one of my children, I don't really totally enjoy the "now." 

The reason I choose this question for my post today is because I just was thinking about this as we were getting the kids off to school this morning. Then I checked my email after they left and found this comment with this question.  

I am not naturally a worrier. I kinda feel like things happen for a reason and I trust that if I am doing my best, Heavenly Father will make up for what I am lacking. That has been the case for me in the past in more ways than I can number. That theory applies to everything from event planning to caring for my children. 

Now since Camille's accident ... I worry more. But not because I think I can keep my child safe from every harm. But because I know I cannot. There are too many ways a child can be hurt that we would never anticipate. We still try to keep them as safe as we can given the knowledge we have, but hurt is a part of living. Our children are going to get hurt one way or another. That is the nature of the world in which we live. I guess I worry more now because my heart has been so wounded. KNOWING the hurt makes you never want to feel it again.

Mostly I worry about Noble. He is at a very dangerous age and stage. This morning I was watching him crawl around the floor looking for anything to put in his mouth. I thought about how I have to hold myself back from just forcing him to let me hold him all day long. He likes to explore. He doesn't like to be confined to a high chair or exersaucer. So lately I have been following him around every waking hour.

Except for when I can't. There are times I have to actually do something other than just sit and watch him. There are times I am doing something else while watching him and I get distracted. I am human. And so I am praying every day for his safety and for the health and safety of all my children. I am doing my best and praying that God will make up for me in my human weaknesses.

I still do trust God. I feel strongly like it was Camille's time to go and that if it hadn't been drowning in the spa that day, she would have died some other way within the same time frame. I know I was doing all I knew at the time to keep her safe. I know that it is pretty "miraculous" that she was able to escape our house and make it to the spa undetected. 

And the worst happened. And it hurt unimaginably. It still hurts. But I am okay. At the end of the day God is still my God and He is supporting me from day to day. In the end she will be mine to raise if I live worthy. In the end we will all be together and we will have joy. So God has not failed me. I still trust Him.

Still I am hyper aware of where Noble is at all times now. I guess that is what hit me this morning. I was just noticing how hyper aware I am of him and how I have to force the worry inside me to take a back seat. Then I took a deep breath and remembered who is really in control. And I didn't worry anymore.

Sugar Free

Today I had a "sugar free" day. I made a goal to go the whole day without eating any sugar. I also made the goal to only eat whole foods. I was pretty amazed by the day. I thought it would be SO much harder than it was. Actually the only time I even felt restricted was when I saw donuts at the school while volunteering and I wanted one. But they weren't even mine to eat so...

I found that I had lots more energy and I wasn't hungry at all. I didn't even have that 2 pm sleepy hour hit me. I planned out my food in advance so I would have plenty to eat. Everything I ate was super yummy. I didn't feel at all deprived.

The one big negative was how much time it took to cook and prepare my food. I made homemade bread with honey and fresh ground whole wheat. That took a hour or two. I also grocery shopped so I would have real food to eat. :) And then for dinner I cooked for 3 hours to make homemade veggie burger patties with a fresh fruit salsa to go on top.

I have to say that dinner was seriously gourmet great. I love lentils and barley which were the base for the "burger' patties. But the best was the mango, pineapple, and tomatillo salsa on top. Seriously SO good.  You can find the recipe HERE. Only I left the chili out of the salsa so my kids would eat it. Plus I don't like things too hot.

I am not sure I will do every day "sugar free," but I am going to try to do it again today. I found a website called www.nutrimirror.com that calculates not only your calories but your nutrition. I found it very motivating yesterday to input my food and see in which nutrients I was deficient. It gave me lists of foods I could eat to make up for the nutrition I was lacking. That proved very helpful.

I am going to try this site out for 2 weeks to see if I like it that well over time. Hope you all have an energy filled day.

Answer to a Question

Someone asked how I introduce my family to new people. I figured some others may find this information useful so I thought I would answer.

How I answer depends on how the question is asked. If you think of all the ways you introduce your own family to people I bet you would find that there are lots of ways. This is especially true the larger your family gets. 

This was one of my biggest concerns after Camille died and one of the few questions I had for other mothers who had lost children. I found most of them said that how they introduce their family just depended on the situation. At the time I hated this answer. I didn't EVER want to not include Camille in my answer. I felt like that was saying she didn't count and She Does Count. 

Since then I have come to understand why these mothers don't always mention or include their angel children. It is really a pretty big bomb to drop in a casual passing conversation. So I think this is one topic that we mothers of angel children struggle with no matter how we decide to answer. 

I, however, have a few basic rules of thumb for myself when introducing my family. 

1) Don't lie. 

2) Camille counts.

3) Try not to make others feel devastated.

That being said let me give a few examples. 

If I meet someone and I am alone and they ask how many children I have I say 5. If this is a person I will see again and they ask their ages or names or any more detail I say I have an 8 year old, a 7 year old, a 4 year old, one that would have been 2 but passed away and a 10 month old. If I am never going to see this person again (grocery store or something) I say they all 2 years apart and the oldest is 8.

If I meet someone when I have kids with me they often will not ask how many kids I have. If I only have Noble many will ask if he is my first. I say he is my 5th and that he has 4 older sisters. They are usually so distracted by how sad they are for him to have all those older sisters that they don't bother to ask any details about the sisters.

If I have all 4 kids with me people never ask how many kids I have. They just assume that these are all my kids. They will make comments like, "So 3 girls and then you got your boy huh?" To this I sometimes say, "actually there is one more girl not with us." Other times I just don't feel like correcting them so I just nod and smile. 

If it is a passing comment by a stranger I generally don't go out of my way to correct their assumptions. But if they ask directly I tell them the truth. If I am meeting someone who I know will eventually know me well enough to know about Camille I tell them as soon as the opportunity presents itself naturally.

Most of the time I am able to mention Camille and then Noble after and I find that if I at peace in how I mention her then the other person usually feels more comfortable with the information.

I know this is a really personal thing for bereaved mothers face and decide. I think I took my lead from my Grandmother. She lived to be 99 almost 100 and two of her daughters passed away when she was still living. They were grandmothers themselves when they died. I would never of thought to say she only had 4 kids. If anyone asked her she would say she had 6 children. I knew my aunts and had cousins  by them. I would never even think not to include them in the count of how many kids my grandmother had or how many siblings my dad had. 

I guess I feel like just because Camille's life was short and she didn't have posterity to carry pieces of her forward, she doesn't count any less than my aunts. So as much as I can, I include her.

Hope that answers your question. Anybody else got questions?

Little Pieces of Me

Thanks everyone for your comments. I have been feeling much more sunny today. Slowly the skies are clearing and the weather is warming. :) Now for today's post.

Tonight after I got home from church duties, I ran upstairs to kiss my little girls goodnight. Jonathan had them all tucked in bed. He is so good. Then he and I went to our room to talk before he went to sleep. While we were talking we had a visitor. It was Ann Marie. 

"Well, I just wanted to tell you that I am having a hard time sleeping because the other girls are playing and I was really wanting to get some good rest because I wanted to play school tomorrow and so I wanted some really good rest and it is really hard because Sabrina and Lauren are being so loud because they are playing so I can't sleep."

About 1/10 of the way through this speech Jon went to go separate the girls so they would go to sleep. I sat and listened to the rest of the "explanation" for Annie's inability to sleep thinking how logical and like me this little girl in front of was. She has my eyes and my seriousness. She is in some ways so much like her father but in most ways she reminds me so much of me. 

Then after she went back to bed Jon and I talked some more till we heard more voices coming from down the hall. I went to investigate. This time I found Sabrina and Annie talking. I threatened Sabrina with separation if I heard any more noise. Sabrina hates to be alone. It is the worst form of punishment for her to be separated at night. She loves people and she loves her sisters. She, like me, doesn't like to be alone. 

Then I closed the door and looked in at my little Lauren all alone in her bedroom (which hasn't been slept in for months.) Her little self reminds me so much of how I used to look (only with different hair) when I was young. She is the 3rd child. I was the 3rd child. My heart ached to see her alone. So I went in to snuggle her. 

Her little hands played with mine - larger versions of the same hands. I marveled at how small her hands are and how somehow they will grow to be as large as mine. I wished I could freeze time and keep her there with her little mini me hand in mine forever. I am savoring these days of little hands and little feet. I see in my girls little pieces of the best parts of me. 

One of the greatest gifts of motherhood is seeing little pieces of yourself shine in your children. It immortalizes mothers so long as their posterity lives.

Overcast

I have been feeling "overcast" the last couple of days. Last night was particularly "stormy" for me. It has been the first time in many months that I have felt the ache and sadness of grief revisit me in force. I felt the physical pain of the absence of Camille in my heart yesterday. 

That is hard for me to admit. It is not easy to write it here and even more difficult to tell anyone else. I only told Jonathan. I don't have some reason for why it hit. There was no "trigger" that set it off. I don't know why I am just missing her so much the last few days. I just am.

Why is it so hard for us to admit when we are feeling low? I know I am not the only one who feels this way. To me it is a bit embarrassing to tell someone I am sad and a bit depressed. Why is that? There is no shame in sorrow and grief and depression. They are all human emotions. We all experience them. Why do we feel we must hide them from others?

Perhaps it is because we don't want to make others uncomfortable. Often people do not know how to respond to someone who is grieving or sad or depressed. How can we help them anyway? Maybe we don't tell people because there really isn't anything they can do anyway and we don't want to make them feel bad also. 

But I have found that many times, just talking about it (or writing about it) gets the sadness out. Many times we just need to let the sadness out and then we feel better. I guess that is why I decided to blog about it now. It isn't something I should have to hide or be ashamed to feel. I don't expect people to know what to do or to think they need to do something to make it better. I have learned that some things can't be made "better" they just become more bearable. 

I just wanted to get a bit of the ache out. I want to see it on the page instead of feeling it like a whole in my chest. Perhaps the sun will come out tomorrow. Here's hoping my spirits warm up as well.

From a Child's Perspective

Sometimes I like to try to see the world through the eyes of my children. One of the ways I do this is let them take some photos with my camera. It is always interesting to see what they come up with. Here are a few of my favorites.

First -- a couple of photos taken by Lauren.

You will find that Noble is a popular subject to photograph.

Now Lauren's "self portrait."

Love that one of her tooties. Now here is one by Ann Marie.

Sabrina always makes a great subject to photograph. Annie also took several of Sabrina jumping rope. Here is one of those:

Now for a few by our little artistic girl Sabrina:

This was after we got home from California. Lauren was still not feeling well and I was trying to give her love. She was having none of that. But she did like the doll she got from the CVS as her bribery/reward for letting the doctor look at her.

Annie led Noble all around the downstairs with the jumprope. He really wanted to get the aglet. (Sabrina just taught me that aglet is what you call the part of the jump rope that you hold onto. Smart girl that Sabrina.) Noble was happy when he finally got to chew on it.

And perhaps my favorite picture from my children's photography recently:

The Aglet: by Sabrina Waite

Namesake

Dear Noble,

You are almost 10 months old now. You are the spitting image of your father. You are crawling everywhere and getting braver as you take a few steps between objects. You love real food and spoons and music. You are a joy to every member of your family.

You have been named after two great men. Noble -- your great grandfather on your father's side, and Morgan, your maternal grandfather. They are both wonderful examples in so many ways. But today I want to tell you about your grandfather, my father, and why I gave you his name.

My father is the fifth child in his family. He had 4 older sisters. I wanted you to remember that you shared this family placement with him. It isn't always easy for a little boy to have four older sisters. And even though you only have three to deal with, I wanted you to remember that really there are four to look up to. 

I hope your grandfather lives long enough for you to really get to know him. He is an amazing man that your father and I both admire very much. He has one of the most loving and selflessly giving hearts of any man I know. Countless times as a child I remember him going out of his way to help a friend or a stranger. Whether it was helping with a midnight repair or driving to California to pick up a stranded friend of a friend of a friend whose car broke down. Your grandfather was there to serve.

And his service continues even more now in his retirement years. Grandad used to be an attorney for the county. He retired several years ago and and since served two missions with Nana. They have helped many people around the world on these Humanitarian service missions to Serbia and Kenya. 

Today Grandad and Nana were driving in the car to California to go to Aunt Nikki's babies shower. Grandad got a phone call from a man in Salt Lake City who works for LDS Humanitarian Services. Recently there was a very big earthquake on an island called Haiti. The results were completely devastating. Many campaigns for aid have been underway to help the people of this small nation. 

The man on the phone wanted to know if your grandfather would be able to fly down to Haiti in 5 days to help build temporary housing for the people of Haiti. Your grandfather is now 73, but he is strong and one of the hardest workers I have ever known. He knows how to build and fix things. He loves to build. He loves working with tools and doing projects. And he loves to help people. 

Could there have been any better project for him than this? I don't think so. Without hesitation he accepted the assignment. He will be leaving Monday for Haiti. We are not sure how long he will be gone, maybe 2 or 3 weeks. We know he will do much good and have a great experience while he is there. 

You should know what a wonderful man he is Noble. I hope you will know him well as you grow so that you can grow up to be like him. There are many "Morgans"in our family. They are all honorable, steadfast, and worthy men. But you are named after my father Morgan D. Harris and I hope you will strive to develop the innate charity that he so beautifully exemplifies with his life.

Love,

your Mother Stephanie