This has been a busy week. I have been keeping the kids busy having fun and meanwhile I have been doing some serious Spring Cleaning. I don't mean the kind that makes my house shiny. I mean the kind that makes my soul feel calm and clean and ordered.
Sometimes humanity's frailties and failings overwhelm me. This week I felt so utterly helpless to overcome my own human frailties. I try and try and try and still every time in one way or another I fail in my feeble attempts. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. I forget things -- appointments and classes -- that I have just been reminded about minutes before. I over schedule. I get tired of the constant daily routine. I get tired ... period. My mind gets weary of the worry -- the anxiety -- the stress of being responsible for the lives and happiness of these beautiful children with which I have been entrusted.
This week I had a breaking point. It was culmination of things that just made me question almost everything I have believed these last two years. In many ways I have felt like I have been Peter walking on the water these last two years and this last week ... well I started to sink.
So I spent a night crying till there were no more tears. And then I got an early morning migraine. And I fasted. And I prayed... lots. And I went to the temple. And I talked to my every faithful husband. He is so good. I have never loved him more than when he held my hand as I suffered with my migraine in the tub at 5 a.m.
I wanted a great miracle. I wanted a vision or to hear the voice of a heavenly being. I wanted something undeniable to tell me all that I have believed regarding Camille was in fact true - that it WAS her time and that the Lord would have taken her one way or another. I wanted a more sure witness of these beliefs.
What I got instead was peace -- simple quietude of mind and spirit. The tempest of my mind was stilled and my questions left. Their urgency was lost. I was left with the quiet spirit of peace telling me that I was in fact accepted of the Lord. The message instilled in my soul was that it is more important that I focus my energy on trying my best to do all I can to create and feel love and joy with my family NOW ... today, than to worry about a thing in the past.
In the end of this process, I guess I came to see that living in that Peace is all I really need. Because I know that He is the Author of the Peace and that is answer enough.
7 comments:
You have such a beautiful way with words, Stephanie. I'm so glad that you're feeling better. I know that all mother's feel that way from time to time, I'm sure you more so than others with all the extra you've gone through these past 2 years.
You're always in my prayers!
I think, in a way, that peace WAS a great miracle.
Your post brought back memories of my conversion to the LDS Church. I joined when I was 14 but mostly did it out of peer pressure. When I was about 20 I was in a BOM class at Ricks and the professor challenged us to read and pray about the BOM to know of its truthfulness. I wanted so badly to have a life changing answer but the answer that came was, "You've known all along the answer to this question, you just needed to ask." I think you too have know all along the answers to your questions about Camille but just needed to hear and "feel" those answers from our Heavenly Father. I am so amazed by your strength and dedication. You are touching so many people's lives on this blog and I hope that you have the strength to continue because I look forward to your posts. Thank you.
What can be done when peace doesn't come?
Your story reminds my of when I read "The Krystal Promise" when I was young.
Steph--
I am sorry for your sadness
BUT so grateful for your example.
Every time I read your blog I am able to focus on what is truly important and lasting in my life {at least for a moment!}
And don't worry about missing sewing--I'm pretty sure I have forgotten more times than you. So, just keep hanging out with me and you'll always look like you have it together!
I'm sure it's hard to live and go through that pain over and over. But like you've said before, grief is something that ebbs and flows. Sometimes you feel it more than others. I'm glad you were able to feel that Peace. And also very glad you wrote it down. This way, the next time the grief becomes to much, maybe you'll be able to remember this Peace more easily and the pain will fall away more quickly. I hope you enjoy Conference weekend and gain more of what you are seeking from the words of our Prophets. Love, a Sister in Zion
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