Tuesday, March 9, 2010


I have been feeling "overcast" the last couple of days. Last night was particularly "stormy" for me. It has been the first time in many months that I have felt the ache and sadness of grief revisit me in force. I felt the physical pain of the absence of Camille in my heart yesterday. 

That is hard for me to admit. It is not easy to write it here and even more difficult to tell anyone else. I only told Jonathan. I don't have some reason for why it hit. There was no "trigger" that set it off. I don't know why I am just missing her so much the last few days. I just am.

Why is it so hard for us to admit when we are feeling low? I know I am not the only one who feels this way. To me it is a bit embarrassing to tell someone I am sad and a bit depressed. Why is that? There is no shame in sorrow and grief and depression. They are all human emotions. We all experience them. Why do we feel we must hide them from others?

Perhaps it is because we don't want to make others uncomfortable. Often people do not know how to respond to someone who is grieving or sad or depressed. How can we help them anyway? Maybe we don't tell people because there really isn't anything they can do anyway and we don't want to make them feel bad also. 

But I have found that many times, just talking about it (or writing about it) gets the sadness out. Many times we just need to let the sadness out and then we feel better. I guess that is why I decided to blog about it now. It isn't something I should have to hide or be ashamed to feel. I don't expect people to know what to do or to think they need to do something to make it better. I have learned that some things can't be made "better" they just become more bearable. 

I just wanted to get a bit of the ache out. I want to see it on the page instead of feeling it like a whole in my chest. Perhaps the sun will come out tomorrow. Here's hoping my spirits warm up as well.


Alisha said...

I think what you wrote here....Maybe we don't tell people because there really isn't anything they can do anyway and we don't want to make them feel bad also....is absolutely correct. With that said, I hope writing made you feel better. :)

Gwenevere said...

I agree...on all counts...that doesn't even make sense really but, hopefully you understand what I'm trying to say.

Talking about things to make it better, is not a myth, that is why people spend thousands in therapy...they need someone to listen who will not judge. I've been on judged side when someone has looked at me when I've divulged something in regard to how I'm feeling and judgement was passed, I stopped talking and things got worse.

The adversary uses isolation as a magnificent tool. If he can keep us isolated, he can gain control. I don't know if the blogosphere can respond adequately to your needs but if nothing else, it may help you focus your thoughts in order to identify the trigger.

Diana...aka...MeMe said...

I am so glad you have your blog to express all your feelings, from overcast to sunny, and all kinds of weather in between. Even though there isn't anything I can do to ease your pain, I can listen (read) and be there for you (comment). I pray for you. I think of you and your angel often.

The Robinson's said...

My g-ma always said that its harder to see a child die before her. My mother (g-ma's youngest) passed away when I was 2. I have no memory of her, except for the stories I hear from relatives, but yet to this day I cry for her and I cry hard. So I could only imagine what you are going through since you had the opportunity to know Camille for her short time here on earth.

To me, it seems like my brain and heart is more sad when the date that she passed away is near or her birthday. Maybe that may be what is triggering your overcast today. I pray that your spirits will warm up as well.

And I say grieve as long as it will take you. The grieving may never end, but it will get lighter. At least that's what my g-ma said too. Days before g-ma passed away she was as happy as can be because she knew my mom would be there waiting for you, just as Camille will be too! And I can't wait for the day I get to know my mom!

Take care.

Jennifer said...

Thank you for being willing to share your thoughts with us, both the highs and the lows. You write beautifully, expressively, and openly. It is inspirational to us all.

I hope this question isn't rude or insensitive or untimely (because I certainly don't mean for it to be any of those), but I was wondering how you introduce your family to new people when they ask about you, how many children you have, etc. Does it depend on the situation (i.e. new ward member vs. someone in line at the grocery store)? My friend asked me for advice on this the other day and I didn't have an answer for her.

Again, if this question is impolite in any way, or if you have addressed it before, I sincerely apologize.

We are praying for you and your wonderful family.

emily said...

I'm sorry you had a hard day. I don't know why we are afraid to tell people when we are sad. I think for me I am uncomfortable talking about my feelings...or I feel I will get too emotional and won't be able to get the words out anyway so why try.

There must be something in the air. I just had a little vent on my weight loss blog about depression. Seemed to help a little to get it out.

love you.

munyer jerk chicken said...

Amen sista! My post that you commented on the other day was one of those things that just had to be shared... as embarrassing as it was. I agree 100% with Gwenevere who said that writing helps you focus your thoughts and identify triggers so that then you can deal with them. I love your blog and have shared it with many friends. You will be in my prayer tonight - for sunshine that warms the body AND the soul!
Say hi to Jon from us! We miss you guys too. Those were fun times in LB1st Ward.

mckenna said...

I think those are all common reasons that we don't talk about it. Another reason I've found with my own loss it that I think people think I should be okay by now and I fear them judging me for not feeling okay on a particular day. Silly reason, but it's mine. And you've made me feel safe to share that here. Thanks.

Darren and Nikki said...

I am sorry that you had a hard day and I hadn't had a chance to read your blog when I talked to you tonight! There I was actually all jolly and chattering away. I understand those days. Getting the sadness out helps - it doesn't need a trigger sometimes. Sometimes i like the reminder that my grief reminds me that my feelings are real. (Maybe I am the only one that feels that way?) Here's to hoping you have some warmer weather (again - we talked about it BEFORE I read you blog - DRATS!) both figuratively and literally :)



Anonymous said...

Yes, reading your post made me feel sad. I hope the day never comes when I can read about such loss and, as a mother, not feel the sadness too.
God grant us the serenity . . .

jen said...

I think the reason we don't express it more often is because others keep their emotions inside as well. We look across the street and see that perfect family. What we don't see are the struggles behind the door. If we let a little more of our real selves loose at appropriate times, I think we would all see that we're all struggling with similar emotions triggered by different experiences.

Anna said...


I have been following your blog since summer 2008. Honestly, your story scared me then as I had never known loss or understood the power and scope of grief. Well, I get it now. I lost my perfect son almost 2 weeks ago @ 22 weeks gestation. Actually he had be aborted because I had been bleeding heavily for 10 weeks, my membranes ruptured and I could have hemorrhaged during delivery from present hematomas, and hospital policy didn't resusitate before 24 weeks. My valiant son fell on his sword for me and I almost gave my life and fertility for him. He is gone now, no birth or death certificate to recognize his existence. It's like he never existed to this world but to me he was my lively, ever-kicking dream come true taken unfairly soon. Sometimes I am at peace that his election is made sure and soon thereafter I am angry and feel grossly cheated of my chance to raise him on earth. Grief is like the ocean and we are ships; waves rhythmically hit us, some much harder than others, but nonetheless continuous. I read that grief is not a pathological illness; it is a fact of life, and it will find you. You handle your life beautifully; you are a true inspiration.

April said...

writing is great therapy in so many ways! and i agree sometimes you just have to let it all hang out.

it is sad that we do have such a weird stigma about sadness and having to have a reaction. kind of along the same lines when ask someone "how are you?" what's a persons immediate answer? "good" regardless if that is true or not. it's almost a habit of what we say. like we can't let the true truth out, because the answer "good" is the pattern we've created.

i hope Camille creates some sunny days for you soon!

Emily Mattson said...

Thinking of and praying for you today...love ya

Anonymous said...

You know Steph....you really don't need a reason or a trigger to grieve and be sad. You lost a beautiful daughter and that is heart breaking no matter how you look at it. Time can make the hurt less stabing, but never feel bad for hurting and missing your little one - no matter how much time has passed.
I think it is wonderful how you and your husband rely on each other and can let one another know when you are feeling down. That is a support that will help you through the dark moments. Hope you are having a better day (even though the sun has been coming and going today).

Love ya,
Nikki K.

Jennifer said...


Reading this post was good for me...because I too have "overcast" days...and as we move further away from "then," it is harder and harder to mention it to others.

It comforts me to know that you and other mothers, who too have lost a child, still have overcast days.

Because I still do.

And to know you do too, lets me know I'm not so alone.

I appreciate being able to come here.

- Jennifer

Gail said...

Unfortunately, those feelings and times of sadness and depression can oftentimes be viewed by others but mostly by ourselves as signs of "weakness." And we know, we are harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be. I have followed your blog since Camille was only a couple of months old and am constantly inspired by your strength and faith. Don't be so hard on yourself for being "human." Our Heavenly Father expects us to have these times of sorrow and sadness in our lives, it's what we learn from these times that will ultimately determine who we become. I can't begin to imagine the depth and magnitude of youe feelings considering all you've been through. Allow yourself to have these feelings without feeling the need to apologize or be embarrased about it. You're an amazing woman and an inspiration to all.

Anonymous said...

Smiles and cuddles for you Stephanie.



Lissy said...

You are a beautiful writer. I'm so glad you write out what you feel because it not only helps you - you've obviously gotten really good at expressing real emotion and thought processes. It's nice to come across my own feelings on this subject mirrored so plainly. I usually hesitate to share sorrow with others because I don't want to bring others down - or give them the idea that I am only ever depressed, or I feel like I should be handling my issues better since many people deal with much harder things all the time, but everyone has their challenges and tough times and it helps to share so we don't feel so alone in them. It just helps to get our sadness out of hiding in some way or another. I'm glad I came across this today. It is a joy to read about your sweet experiences with your family and your insightful answers to people's questions.