Connected

I got this comment on my last post. Knowing the power of prayers and out of gratitude for so many that have been and are still offered for me and my family from strangers, I post this today. My grandparents lived next door to some Ashworths - Don Ashworth I believe. Perhaps this Robert is a grandson of theirs. 

The human web of relationships is so intricately woven that one need not hop far to connect to another person. We are all more closely connected than we know, I think. May our connected humanity drive us to our knees for each other and give us strength through the storms.

Now the comment: 

My brother-in-law Robert was diagnosed with leukemia in Nov. 2007. He fought the good fight with four rounds of chemo and a bone marrow transplant. He has been doing really well, even grew his hair back! Then this past Friday he got a call from his doctor that they found more leukemia cells in his routine follow-up blood work. He is back in the hospital receiving chemo and will need another bone marrow transplant. I'm telling you all this because I have often prayed for someone that you posted on your blog who was going through a difficult time/health issue in their life. I would love it if you could put up a post about him and ask for prayers for him. His name is Robert Ashworth, and we too live in Las Vegas!

If you wouldn't mind also posting a link to the blog we are keeping up for them, that would be great too. We will need to do some fund raising for him this time around, because his insurance was so depleted the first go-around. I have seen the power of the blogging community on cjane and nienie's blogs!

Thank you! Thank you for your words, openess, insights and for just being you. There have been many times that I have read 'just what I needed' on your blog. You are truly inspirational!

With Love,

Janelle Gratteau

Guiding Hands

Life is so full of choices. Some times of our lives we have lots of life altering choices all at once. Other times we are faces with simple little choices everyday that only in the cumulative will make a real difference in our life. And sometimes seemingly inconsequential choices change everything. 

I am grateful for the guiding hands that help me with my choices, big and small. I am not really in a stage of BIG choices right now. I no longer have to choose who to marry or where to live or what career to pursue. Still there are important choices that lay before me. Some will have lasting effects like naming my baby. Others, like choosing friends or ways to spend my time or money, may seem small but could have long term impacts.

Through all these choices, I feel that same sense of unseen guiding hands that I did when I was making those BIG life decisions. It is like a river a peace flowing through me and carrying me down its path. Sometimes it takes me in through places I would rather not go. But as long as I follow that river of peace, I am able to drink from its Living Water. 

How grateful I am that we are not left alone in this life. I have often felt my grandparents watching over me. Now I feel an even stronger connection to the life that exists beyond the veil of death. I feel tied to that world through unbreakable heartstrings. I miss my baby girl. But I am not without her. I know her hands now help guide me.

Missing! One Lost Tooth!

Last night, with far less drama than last time, we yanked Annie's remaining wiggly front tooth out. We put the girls to bed. As usual, they did not immediately go to sleep. Sabrina was writing notes to her teacher and Annie decided to draw a picture of her tooth. 

Apparently she put the tooth down on her sister's bed, told Sabrina to watch the tooth for her, and went to go get paper for her drawing. Later when she was drawing the tooth she needed it to look at for her drawing and asked Sabrina where it was. Sabrina had no idea.

So now we are missing one lost tooth. We have stripped the beds, cleaned the rooms, picked up the mattresses. Nothing. I think we will be putting her drawing of her tooth under her pillow tonight for the tooth fairy. Anybody else had this happen? Did the tooth fairy pay up anyway? Annie says if the tooth fairy doesn't pay, maybe I should just give her money. Hmmm. 

I will have to get some video of Annie talking without her teeth. She is SUPER cute and with her permanent teeth already coming down we will only get to see this toothless grin for a short while.

To Post or not to Post

Well I woke up this morning to rain and tears and a nice little pity party. I spent the first 45 minutes of my waking hour crying and then writing a rather whiny post about the difficulty of ward changes and meeting new people just months after losing a child. 

After I finished writing the post I felt much better. I got out all the frustration. I vented my most recent "what not to say/ask" experience. Then I felt bad about the post. I didn't feel like posting it would help. I have already addressed the subject before HERE and it is people who don't read my blog that end up saying the wrong things anyway.

So, I saved the post and decided to just go about my day. The rain cleared up and so did the tears. Life is funny that way. Sometimes all you really need it a way to get the emotion out. Just like the atmosphere must at times let the rains fall. And then the sun returns and eventually the clouds clear away.

And so went my day. After tears and discomfort I moved to working out and running errands. Then we ended the day at a Valentine's party at my parents. Going from loneliness to love in 12 hours makes for a grateful heart. 

Today I am grateful for rain that comes in its season. I am grateful I don't live in the Northwest where rain is the norm. I am grateful for my pilates workout that finally got me moving today. I am grateful for children who love me even when I feel like I was a slacker mom for the day. I am grateful for a loving husband who fills in for me when I need him most. I am grateful for great parents, siblings and in laws who are great examples and teachers to my children.  

I am grateful for life - the one I am living, the one I am carrying, and the one that exists beyond the veil of death. 

Oh What Do You Do?

What do you most love to do when all the world outside looks like this?

Today has been a rainy day. We have stayed indoors doing a bit of this:

Homemade Valentine's Day cards for schoolmates and family members.

Then this afternoon I surprised the girls and Jon with this:

A fancy party of homemade hot choco with real homemade whipped cream and buttery toast strips for dipping in the choco. It is a favorite treat of ours and perfect for a cold rainy winter day. 

Here are the girls dipping their toast strips.

Crafts and treats make for happy girls.

What do YOU love to do on a cold and rainy/snowy winter day?

A Name Question

Okay readers. I need some unbiased help. My husband and I have been discussing a certain name that one of us really loves and the other thinks is too gender neutral. We both want a name that when people hear it or see it they will know is a boy. We both think that seeing this name people will think boy. 

The problem is that one of us thinks that when people hear this name they will think girl or will not be sure boy or girl. So I am putting up a poll on my blog to get an idea what a sample of the public thinks of this name. Boy for sure - Girl for sure - or gender neutral/not sure.

PLEASE let me know whether you think BOY GIRL or NOT SURE/COULD BE EITHER when you HEAR the name...

OH yeah! Could you ask your husband or wife to vote too so we can ensure the vote is not overwhelmingly female? Thanks!

JESSE

Thanks readers! 

I should note that this in no way indicates we have chosen this name. It is one on a long list of names we have been discussing. 

Six Months

My due date is officially three months from today. Now it is likely I will go over due like I have with every other kid, but still, I am at the 6 month mark. I thought I ought to take a photo of the belly at 6 months and record how the pregnancy has been treating me.

The Belly with Peanut inside at 6 months

Physically - Most of the time I feel really good. I have kept up my pilates though not as often as I should. Still I am maintaining the strength I have gained there and I think that it is helping me feel good. The belly, as you can see in the photo, is definitely there. Bending over is no longer so easy but I still can do it when necessary.

I have a good amount of energy most mornings and can get lots done then. By about 7 p.m. my belly starts getting tight and feeling heavy. I still sleep well. I am able to eat without heartburn discomfort. That is always a plus. 

Basically, I do not have all the discomforts of the third trimester yet. I am very grateful for that. I am hoping to keep them at bay for as long as possible. Three months still seems like a long time.

The baby is healthy. He is quite a mover and a kicker. He seems rather strong for 6 months gestation. The kids like how they can sit and watch him move around and kick my belly now.

Mentally - I feel good. I enjoy working in Annie's class. I am preparing to give a presentation at a conference for single adults next weekend on blogging. I just finished a great book about the life of Vincent Van Gogh by Irving Stone. And most importantly, I have been doing pretty well at keeping my mind from living in June 2008.  This seems to get easier with time. 

Spiritually - I have been feeling connected. Sleeping a good amount helps me be a nice mom and that helps keep the Spirit in my heart. I don't feel perfect, but I like feeling that I am a work in progress. (Key words being "in progress.")

Emotionally - I do not feel overly emotional due to the pregnancy. That is nice. I still have the current of grief running just beneath the surface, but most of the time I feel it is kept at a manageable force that my mind helps me navigate.

One interesting note about the pregnancy or this baby for me is how much more connected I feel to this child than I ever have to any baby before. Usually, I feel little if any connection to my babies until they are born. I don't know why this is. They just don't seem real till I see them face to face I guess. 

Somehow, even though this child will be a whole new world for me, I feel very connected to this nameless little guy beating up my insides. I am trying to pace my anticipation and excitement for his arrival. I feel the time goes faster when I am not counting the days. Still there are moments when I can almost feel him in my arms. May the days fly till that dream can be a reality.

Economic Impression

This morning I had an impression that I wanted to share. To give a bit of background, I have noticed our children doing more asking than thanking in their prayers lately. It has been bothering me. So on Monday we had a Family Home Evening lesson on how important it is to be grateful.

We talked about how we need to do better with this not only in our prayers but in every day life too. I pointed out how much more I hear "EWWW! This is gross" at dinner instead of "Thank you for making us dinner, Mom." We also talked about how when a sister shares something we need to thank her for sharing.

Another topic that has been frequent in our home lately has to do with the economy. Like most other families I know, we are trying to rein in the financial horses of our budget and plug up the leaks. I have been trying to be more efficient in our food use and have been very strict with the kids about not wasting food.

So part of our FHE lesson was on how we need to be grateful that we have food, even if it is leftover stroganoff again. We ought to be grateful we are not hungry and without food in our house or money to buy food.

I ended up challenging the family to thank God for at least 10 different things in every prayer. So far I am pleased with the results. They are remembering to do it and it has carried over to them thanking for things without me having to tell them to say thank you.

Now, to my impression this morning. The state of the economy has been on my mind. With friends and family and neighbors who are looking for jobs and trying to find ways to make enough money to live, I think it is on most peoples mind.

Our family has been affected as well. While Jonathan has done well despite the turbulent stock market, our largest investor fell into financial trouble and had to pull all his money out of our fund some months ago. And it is difficult to find investors for any type of investment fund these days, even when a fund is showing good results.

This morning as I was thinking about the economy and our family's financial situation, I had the impression that I needed to express more gratitude for the economic blessings with which our family has been blessed.

We are right now in lean times, that is to be sure. But, we have come from a time when the Lord did provide great opportunities for us to fill our storehouses, so to speak, to help us through this time. I am grateful for the wheat I have stored, both literally and figuratively.

I think we as a nation must turn more fully to the Lord and offer up our gratitude to Him for whatever blessings we do have before this economic "famine" will fully turn around. It is most difficult to think of your blessings when your needs are shining so brightly in your face. But anyone who has traveled much in the third world knows that every American is blessed. The poorest of the poor here have things so much better than the poor of so many other countries.

I wonder if there is a person living who could and would call the country as a whole to turn to the Lord in humility and gratitude. I am not sure there is. I think President Obama may have the ability but I don't know that he would do that. Perhaps the movement I am hoping for must be one that starts on a grassroots level.

Perhaps it will be us, in our own homes coming to that conclusion for ourselves. Perhaps it will be us telling our friends and neighbors of such impressions and expressing our gratitude instead of singing our woes that will turn our country one family at a time to the Lord and bring once more the sweet relief of the thirst quenching economic "rains."

More Than I Can Handle?

I had an anonymous comment this week with a question.  Let me quote it here:

You know the saying -God never gives you more than you can handle? I am having a frustrating time in my life right now, and that saying doesn't make sense or comfort to me.. Nothing huge compared to you and many others is going on here, My husband is deployed and I am left in a new state by myself with 3 kids, one who is a newborn.. I don't mean to be mean or make you sad or anything.. I just keep hearing this advice and I just wonder what you think about it..? I just feel so overwhelemd and tired right now.. I'll survive I know that, just not with flying colors.. Am I suppose to? Is it even possible? Is that what the saying means? If so how? I truly don't understand and feel lost and lonley.

Let me start my answer by pointing out the falsehood in the saying. God does give us more than we can handle. For it is by realizing how utterly unable to handle things in our lives that we are most likely to turn to Him for help. He wants us to turn to Him for help and not to walk alone. When we turn to the Lord with all our hearts, He will help us to carry our burden. For it is WITH God that all things are possible. 

So the saying should be that God will never give you more than you can handle with His help. That is a true saying. But note that even then the saying did not say that we would have to handle our cross (whatever it may be) with ease or without the occasional stumble. 

Let us look to the scriptures for an example here. In the Book of Mormon there is a scripture in 1 Nephi 3:7 that says, "I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."

Here was Nephi sent with his brothers to do a seemingly impossible task. He and his brothers made a first attempt and were run out of the city. He thought of another strategy and tried again. This time he was run out of the city by guards trying to kill him. Do you think he felt like he was passing this test with flying colors? I am guessing not. But he was patient and persistent. 

He entered the city a third time with no plan. He entered with faith alone that somehow the Lord would be his partner in this venture and provide a way whereby he may complete his task. This time the Lord did provide a way and he was able to accomplish his task. But even then it was a difficult task for him and one he would rather not have had to perform.

Now drawing from my personal experience with this, I will first highlight a more distant trial to me. My first year of law school was very difficult for me. I moved 3000 miles from home where I had no friends or close family. I took a full time job to pay my bills and went to school each night after work.

At work I was in an office by myself all day. At school I sat and listened to a lecture with 150 other students for 3-4 hours. Then I went home and studied alone in my room for another 3 hours or so before calling my mom or Jon and then crying my lonely self to sleep. Each Saturday I spent studying and doing any other necessities like grocery shopping. Each Sunday I dedicated to church. I taught seminary during sunday school and either relief society or primary during the third hour. I did all my preparation for this on Sundays. 

I knew I was supposed to go to law school. I knew I was supposed to go to Georgetown to law school. I felt I was following the Lord's plan for me, even though it was not what I would have chosen for myself. It was incredibly exhausting and hard to keep that schedule every day. 

I did not get straight A's. I was not the top of my class. But I was also not the bottom. I did about average. One night as I went to class a classmate asked me if I was ready for our moot court presentations. I was stunned. That was tonight??? I wasn't even half done preparing. I thought it was in a few weeks. 

I skipped my first class and went to my dorm and got on my knees. I poured out my heart in a desperate prayer. I was totally unprepared. I had done some research but had not pulled my arguments together. I had to present my argument before a panel of judges who would try to rip them apart in an hour. My only hope was the Lord.

I gathered my research papers, looked them over, and headed for the courthouse. The judges ripped apart each of the people who proceeded me. The teacher then harshly critiqued their presentation. I got up to take my turn knowing there was nothing I could do more.

Within a few sentences of my argument the judges started interrupting to question me on the things like the standard of review. I didn't even remember what "standard of review" meant. I didn't know the different standards of review. I only knew that one of them was strict scrutiny. So that is what I said. Then I continued with my argument. The judges seemed to listen more than question after that. The teacher had nothing ill to say to me in my review. 

During a break after my turn one of the judges came to me and asked if the standard of review was really strict scrutiny. I said, "I have no idea. I didn't know so I just guessed." The judge laughed and said it was not the right answer but that I had said it with such confidence that it made her think she must be wrong. I ended up scoring very well in this assignment. 

The point was that it was totally the Lord helping me through this that allowed me to survive this experience that night and the sum of all those nights that very lonely first year.

In my current trial -- well this is a new level of hard for me. Those first days in the hospital ... I sat in the consolation room saying over and over through my sobs "I can't do this. I just can't do this." How could I still be breathing when she was not? How could my heart still be beating? There was an enormous hole right through my middle. Was there even a heart still in there? If so it had to be broken beyond repair. 

I would look at myself in the hospital bathroom just to verify that I still was there. Somehow I still existed. Somehow I was still living even while the sweetest part of me lay dying down the hall. This trial was more than I could handle. It just was. I knew it. And the Lord knew it. That is why he sent my family all around me to help bear me up. That is why he poured his Spirit out to me and Jon as we knelt in fasting prayer every hour in that hospital.

I did not feel at that time that I was surviving well and "coming through with flying colors." When my family would say, "we are worried about you," I would reply, "So am I."  I was just surviving hour by hour, day by day. And in our darkest hours that is sometimes all we can do. And sometimes that is enough.

When we must pull ourselves up to the greater task (like me giving that presentation unprepared or speaking at my daughters funeral or having to make the decision to turn off the life support machines and hold her as the last bit of life slipped from her body) well then the Lord is there for us. He makes us strong enough to bare the task. He holds us up because we have turned to Him.

This is why it is so important to daily be striving to follow the Lord and seeking Him out. So that in the hour when we need Him most, we remember to turn to Him and He knows us and knows that we have been doing our part to do His will and be faithful. Then we more readily receive that help we so desperately need. We do not have to doubt in our own minds our worthiness because we have been doing all we can to live worthy.

I hope always to live my life in such worthiness. To never feel that I am not trying my best. I don't expect perfection from myself. But I know personally whether I am trying my best or not. I hope always to be prepared so that I may with a clean conscious go to the Lord for help when I need it and not feel unworthy of receiving that help.

So to the Anon commenter, I hope you will turn your heart as fully as you can to the Savior and find in Him the help you need to fulfill your daily trying tasks. You need not be a perfect mother. Just do your very best. It is okay if their hair doesn't get combed and the house doesn't get picked up every single day. 

Just tire yourself out doing your best. In so doing, I hope you find the Lord is your partner in raising your children and in the critical moments He will help you be the mother you must be to them. He will inspire you in how to teach and train them in all the important things. And he will send either a friend or the Comforter to be with you in the lonely hours. 

Make Him your full partner and truly there will be nothing in this life that the two of you can't handle together.

The World in Sabrina's Eyes

Sabrina brought home her report on the Earth last week. She was excited to share it with our family. I posted it on her blog for her but wanted to share it here too.

The Earth

by 

Sabrina Waite

To: My Family

This is the world. We live in the world. I love the world! I live in America in Nevada. I live in the city of Henderson. I live with my mom and dad. I have two sisters. I had three but my third died when she was 14 months. I miss her. She drown in a hot tub. her name was Camille. She had blond hair and blue eyes. OK back to the world. The world has gems in it. I like the ruby. The world is made of rocks and water.

I love the Earth.

I often wonder how my children are coping with the loss of their little sister. We talk about Camille often and occasionally I ask them how they are feeling about it. Friday I asked Sabrina and Ann Marie if they ever get mad that Camille isn't here with us any more. Sabrina said she mostly just forgets about Camille so she doesn't have to cry. It is easier to forget. Annie said she mostly just forgets too and just doesn't think about Camille so much. 

As much as I want them to remember their little sister, I completely understand their strategy for dealing with her absence. I hope they can forget so many things about this time in our lives. I hope they can forget the details of that dreadful day. I hope they forget the pain and sorrow.

But Sabrina's report just showed me that they still remember their sister. I hope they will always remember her. I hope they remember how much they adored her. I hope they remember how much she loved them. I want them to remember the kisses she gave them and how she would follow them around through the house. I want Sabrina to remember how Camilles toes would curl around Sabrina's body as Sabrina held Camille on her hip. I want them to remember Camille calling out to them to share whatever they were eating. I want them to remember how excited she would get when they would sneak into her room to see if she was awake. 

Perhaps it is still too hard to remember these things and so many others right now. But someday, when time has distanced the pain, I hope they can remember Camille with a smile and feel of her still constant love.

Praying for Haylee

One of my most devoted reader/commenters who has inspired a few posts from me has asked for a favor. Having a small insight into how she must feel, at least about her fears for her daughters future, I wanted to highlight her request for all of you.

One of the most profound lessons I learned in this trial was the very real and physical effect of having thousands of prayers. I had felt the power of a mother's prayer before. I knew the power of a father's blessing. But I had never had literally thousands of people praying for me like that before. 

I felt carried and lifted by those thousands of prayers from family, friends, and strangers of varied faiths. I felt wrapped in a cocoon of faith and angels. In those early months, I absolutely needed that. I don't know how I would have survived without all those prayers and the power they produced in my life.

Tonight my friend Kathryn_M needs prayers for her daughter. Here is what she shared in her last comment:

My dear, sweet daughter who, at 22 years old, faces more health struggles than most will in a life time - she has autism, tourette's syndrome, ploycystic ovarian syndrome, mental health issues (most likely bi-polar) and epilepsy -- has me very worried.

This morning, she had a very bad seizure and stopped breathing. Her father had just left to visit his 91 year old father. I managed to get and keep her airway patent and get some ativan inside her cheek ... all the while thinking of Jett Travolta.

She is resting now. I will go lie with her but wanted to ask you and your readers to please keep this precious and so very special young lady in your prayers. Her name is Haylee.

My heart physically hurts for all she must endure and I am so frightened about what will happen after me and her Dad are gone or can no longer able to provide the supports she so desparately needs.

with love and thanks,

kathryn_m

So today I am sending prayers your way Haylee and Kathryn. May you feel of their power and know you are never alone.

The Moral of the Story

Our trip to Mexico was a reward for the kids for finishing the Book of Mormon. We figured since we had read a record of Ancient Americans, we could go to some of the ruins left behind by such civilizations. 

While we were in Mexico we visited the ruins at Chichen Itza. These date back to about 480 A.D. or just after the Book of Mormon finishes. The girls loved seeing all the buildings, the ball court, and the pillars everywhere. We decided against a guided tour here. We had one in Tulum and the girls hated it. They don't have the patience to stand and listen to what everything carved on the buildings means. 

So instead I made up my own "interpretations" of the ruins. In one spot I suggested that perhaps it was the swimming pool. In another Sabrina was sure it was a house with 3 bedrooms. I have been to Chichen Itza twice before with guides so I know what many of the ruins are anyway. I was able to share what I knew in a kid friendly way.

We took the kids to the Cenote, or sink whole, where the Mayans threw their sacrificed people. There were over 70 skeletons pulled out of this water hole back in the 70s. They were mostly children and young men. As we taught the kids about all these gory customs, we related them to what we learned from reading the Book of Mormon last year.

The main moral of the trip was, if you are wicked like the people who lived there sacrificing people, you get destroyed. Then you no longer have cities thriving but ruins rotting. So if you are wicked you get "ruined."

One Room at a Time

Well I am back to real life again. It has a busy reentry. Leaving on a big trip is always stressful and I left without having the energy to leave the house clean. Now that I am back I am trying to put my house back in order. I have decided to take it one room at a time. 

Yesterday I conquered my bedroom and bathroom. The bedroom would have been pretty easy except for all the luggage that had to be unpacked. The bathroom was sorely needing a deep scouring. It took me all morning but I did get it finished.

It felt great to get this goal finished and feel like I had created a beautiful space for myself again. It reminded me of how important it is to create everyday as a mother. Creating brings a sense of accomplishment and moving forward. As mothers we create every day but many of our creations are so slow in the making that it is hard to see the progress. Maybe that is the value in housework. I guess I just wish sometimes that things wouldn't follow the laws of entropy and revert to a state of disorder.

Well, I guess I am off to create a dinner and then a clean kitchen again. Tomorrow I will have to tackle the hallway. I know. You wouldn't think the hallway would be a big job. But my kids have "cleaned" Lauren's room to make it into a venue for their "rock concert." I think ALL the stuffed animals in our house are lined up as an audience. Everything that used to be in Lauren's room is now in the hallway. So tonight the rock concert, tomorrow the hallway. 

We can not run faster that our legs will take us. We must tackle the messes of life one room at a time.

"Family in Hammocks" Journal Entry 1-24-09

Swaying in a hammock with the sound of the gentle breeze rustling through the palms overhead and the waves crashing on the hurricane eroded beach, I am at total peace. Lauren is in my lap soundly snoring with my sweater wrapped all around her salty wet, sandy clothes. The sun sets slowly as we sway. Next to us Sabrina and Ann Marie play games swinging the hammocks high and trying to catch each other. Dad watches them play from a hammock of his own. Somehow this beautiful place with its aqua turquesa can be such a place of peace and serenity.

I have taken a thousand mental photographs this week with my little family in the Mexican Riviera. I wish I could bottle these moments to be opened and enjoyed later again and again. But one thing this trip has taught me is that you really can never go back. I spent time here 15 years ago. It was a wonderful summer living down here experiencing new things and amazing culture. I visited some of the most naturally beautiful places I have ever seen. I have tried to find one of them this trip. But hurricanes and increased tourism traffic have changed the place. It is no longer the incredible, unforgettable, paradisaical place it was in my treasured memories. Still, the area is amazing. It is just not the same as it once was 15 years ago.

Thus, I am savoring this time with my young children here. We could say, “well that would have been more fun with teenagers.” But, I will not say that. It will not be the same trip when they are teenagers. They will not count how many iguanas they see in the water park. They will not chase the waves and run from them as they crash on the shore. They will not be amazed by every bug or so thrilled by free ice cream at the buffet. They will appreciate other things. We will never have this time with them again. We can never go back.

So tonight, I am savoring the now, just as I did 15 years ago as a college girl. I savored the experience I had then and the memories of it still are sweet to me. Tonight I am soaking in the present so that tomorrow I can recall those mental photographs with joy and bring again to my soul the stillness and tranquility of swaying in a hammock with a baby in my belly and a little wonder of a girl sleeping soundly on her soon to be brother with all her family close at hand.

Viva Mexico!

We returned very late last night from an 8 day adventure to Cancun, Mexico. We took the girls with us and spent a week in the sun, surf, and ancient culture of the Mexican Riviera. This was Jon and the girls first trip to Mexico. I spent a summer there in college. 

Okay, I know Jon is going to tell me, "Hey you wrote on your post that this was my first trip to Mexico but I had been there before!" But really he had only been to TJ. I don't count that. It is practically California. 

In any case, I have been off the internet for about a week, but I have managed to catch up on my emails now. I wrote a journal entry one night there in Mexico about our trip that I will share in my post tomorrow. Tonight I just want to go to bed. :) I still am a bit jet lagged after the long day of traveling yesterday.

But I will share the best part of our trip before I finish my day's work and get the kids tucked in and then soak my growing body in a nice bath and get in bed. For me, the best part of our trip was finally feeling a sense of peace and joy unhindered by grief. It is said that we must know the bitter to enjoy the sweet. This, however, has become a puzzle for me in trying to find my way to joy through this grief. 

It has seemed that every joy is tainted with the pain of grief because the loss is so permanent. When the bitter is still in your mouth it is hard to fully enjoy the sweet before you. This trip, being in so far away a place, revisiting places I had been before as a single adult, I somehow was able to almost totally leave my grief at home. I only had one or two moments of ache the whole trip. The rest was pure enjoyment.

The best part of my trip was just that -- a taste of pure enjoyment.

Internet Vacation

We have been on an internet vacation. I will tell you all about it when we get back online. But I haven't been online this week. So if I haven't responded to your emails or comments that is why. I think it is good to take a little time away from technology every once in a while. And this has been that week for me. I planned this time away and wrote my posts in advance. I will get back online on Monday and let you know how my week away from technology was.

Till then friends!

True Self Esteem

In line with the previous posts, I want to relate the story of how I gained true self esteem. I do this both so that I will have it recorded for my girls to know but just in case it should help anyone out there to find true self esteem from that same Source. 

First a bit of background. All of us have talents. We are all good at something, just not at everything. Well I have always felt smart. I am not and haven't ever been the "smartest" kid. Actually my own kids are way smarter than I ever was. But the point is that I felt smart as a kid. And that got me through my young years. But apart from being smart, I did not have a good self image. 

I won't go into all the reasons for my poor self image. That is too much emotional baggage and water under the bridge. But I will say that due to a poor self image I did things I would not have done and should not have done to gain favor in the eyes of peers. 

By the time I was 13 or 14 I looked at my life and did not like what I saw. I did not like who I was. I did not like who I saw as my friends. I wanted to be a different person. I decided to do my best to change myself into a person I would like better.

I made new friends. I stopped hanging out with the old peers who expected me to be and do things I didn't like to make me popular. I started reading and studying the scriptures everyday. I started to praying more sincerely. I started trying to live what I was learning. In the middle of this I had an incredible experience. I felt the love of the Savior for me. 

One night in the space of 4 or 5 hours, I felt the shame and pain the Savior had experience because of my sins and misdeeds. And when I was able to finally pull myself out of my tears and gather enough courage and audacity to pray and ask forgiveness, I felt the incredible miracle of the atonement in my life. I felt the crushing burden of sin lifted from off my shoulders and replaced by a sweet lightness of pure love and light. My tears of sorrow turned into tears of joy and gratitude. After this experience of true and powerful repentance, I wanted never to do wrong in the sight of the Lord again. 

Several months later there was a boy. Isn't there always a boy at this age? Well, in this story too there was a boy. I liked this boy. He said he like me too. Then after two weeks he decided he liked my best friend instead. I was pretty devastated. I sat in my room trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Why didn't he like me?

Being the logical, methodical person I am, I started mentally doing a self inventory. I looked at myself in my mirror. I thought, "hey, I may not be the hottest girl in school, but I am cute. He liked my looks last week enough to like me. Plus even if he doesn't think I am cute, I am cute. Maybe he just doesn't appreciate the assets I do have." 

Then I went through the rest of me. Mentally- I knew I was great. Socially- I felt I was fun. I liked my friends and felt they liked me. I had changed my social life so dramatically that I really liked my social self now. I felt confident in that. Emotionally - I was cool in this area. I wasn't some clinging emotionally needy chic. Spiritually - and here was the clincher for me - I was good. I knew the Lord approved of me. 

This is where I stopped. I knew the Lord accepted and loved me and I liked myself. I knew I wasn't perfect, but I was plenty likable.  At this point the light came on in my head and I realized that if this boy didn't like me, it was his problem and his loss, not mine. I liked myself just fine and most importantly I knew the Lord loved me. My melancholy vanished at this realization.  

Since that time, I have often reevaluated my checklist and have found that as long as I am improving in each of these areas - physical, social, metal, and spiritual - I feel good about myself. I am never perfect at any of them. But if I am working on them, I am okay. I don't like being fat but if I am fat and working out regularly and eating healthy, well at least I am working at it. I don't like failing at spiritual goals. But as long as I keep trying to keep them even when I screw up somedays, I know the Lord is a forgiving God. 

You get the idea I hope. May we all evaluate ourselves again. And if we fall short in our evaluation, may we change our lives to be the kind of person we are happy being and more importantly, the kind of person with whom the Lord is pleased. 

Body Image 2

Let me continue with my thoughts of body image from a more spiritual and less "functional" perspective.

Our bodies are divinely created after the image of God. They are the final, highest creation of the Lord. We are each one of his masterpieces. In the scriptures our bodies have been compared to a temple of God that can house the Spirit of the Lord. 

As temples, we ought to keep our bodies clean both physically and spiritually. We ought to do our best to take care of these mortal tabernacles given to us by God. They house within them divinely begotten spirits of our Heavenly Father. Each person's body, with all its beauty and all its imperfections, are creations of the Lord. 

I like to think of this as I would a great work of art. Let's take a Van Gogh for example.

His paintings, to me, look very "imperfect." Many are not even "pretty" to me. His self portrait is not something I would want to look at everyday. But all of them are "masterpieces" worth incredible amounts of money. Part of the reason all of his work is worth so much is because HE made them. Even his lesser known works are worth serious money because they were made by HIM. Often those works with imperfections are are the most highly prized. 

If we value so highly, imperfections and any work created by the hand of one famous man, how much more ought we to value ANY work created by the hand of GOD? How much more ought we to value the "imperfections" in HIS work that create identity, individuality, and uniqueness? 

I try to teach this lesson to my girls. I teach them that their body is a temple and a masterpiece of art made by God. Along with this, I try to emphasize my point by telling them not to draw on themselves or others. I ask them if they like it when their sisters draw on their artwork. The answer is ALWAYS, "no." They think it ruins their art if a sister so much as touches it with any kind of writing. I then tell them that their body is God's work of art and we don't want to write on it either. Luckily, He made our bodies washable so we can wash off such marks but we should try not to put them there in the first place.

Now, I know most people think nothing of writing a phone number on their hand or whatever. I am not saying it is "wrong" of people to do that. But I think teaching this point helps my kids understand that their bodies are works of art and ought to be appreciated as such. It is something to which they can relate because they draw all the time and often get upset when a sister draws on their creation. 

I wish we all could appreciate our bodies and especially the imperfections in our bodies as part of what makes us such great art. I wish we could all stop striving to have "perfect" hollywood image and start loving the differences in our own frame that make us who we are. This is increasingly hard in our society, but I hope and pray I will be able to instill this appreciation in my little girls. 

I want them to take care of their bodies. I want them to eat a fairly healthy diet and stay active. I want them to stay clean and brush their hair and teeth. I am think it is good to make the most of what you have been given. But I hope they learn to appreciate every part of their bodies as part of the creation, even the masterpiece, of God that they are.

A last thought tomorrow on true self esteem...

Body Image

The other week Ann Marie wrote in her primary talk the line "I like my body." I am thrilled to hear that from my girls at any age. I think a positive self image in critical for girls (and women for that matter). In our day of supermodels, photoshop, and hollywood glam teams it is incredibly difficult for girls and women to appreciate the beauty and divinity of their imperfect bodies. I thought I would share some ways I have come to appreciate my body and its "imperfections" over time and through experience. 

As a teenager, I knew I was never the prettiest girl in the class. I never really felt like the ugliest either. I guess there have always been parts of my body/face I have liked and others I wished looked different. I think that is fairly common to most people. 

I knew with the right clothes and makeup I could accentuate my assets and minimize my less lovely features. In the end I knew I would never be a "10" but I could look respectably beautiful if I tried. Since my self esteem has never been centered on my looks, this has always been good enough to me.

As I have grown older and more experienced, I have come to appreciate my body and its "faults" or "less lovely" parts more and more. One example of this is my knees. I have never thought I had cute knees. Seems funny to think of knees as something that can be cute, but they definitely can. You know those knees that are small and make an hour glass shape of the leg. I don't have those knees. There is no hour glass shape to my legs. 

This is a part of me that no amount of working out is going to change. You can't diet your knee bones skinnier. I have therefore never thought of myself as a person with "nice legs" because my knees have no shape to them. 

Now in college I began running. I ran for several years. I am not talking marathons. But I did do some 10Ks and I ran a few miles everyday for several years. As I made friends in the running world, I learned how many runners have problems with their knees. When I got married, I found my husband can only run on certain surfaces because his knees get hurt if he isn't careful.

I also noticed that most of these people had really nice looking knees. I came to appreciate my stocky knees. They may not be the prettiest knees, but they are sturdy and hearty and healthy knees. They perform their function very well. I now love my knees. I wouldn't trade them for the cutest little shapely knees ever made. They are MY knees and they are perfect for my me.

I could say the same thing about my nose. I have never really liked my nose. I always wished I had a petite cute little nose. A nose is kind of a hard thing to hide or minimize. I became less self conscious about this as I grew older and my face became more proportional. 

Now, however, I wouldn't trade my nose for anything. It isn't that my nose is prettier. It is still the same old nose. But my husband has trouble breathing through his nose at night. I have no problem getting enough air in through my nose unless I am sick. My nose performs well at its duty. I love my nose because of how well it works for me.

Now I don't have many major health problems. I am not sure how those with major health problems would feel about my reasoning for loving my body. But I still wanted to share my thoughts for those who could possibly appreciate their bodies a bit more for the work they perform regardless of how they look.

More tomorrow on appreciating our bodies from a different angle and with a different line of reasoning...

 

Ski Trip

A couple of weeks ago we took the kids to Brian Head to go skiing. Jon and my Aunt Sharon and my Dad took on the task of ski lessons. I have had the girls go to ski class before. I had mixed reports about the success of the day. 

Here are the girls with Jon and Aunt Sharon all suited up to head from the cabin over to the ski resort. 

I am open for suggestions on the best way to teach kids to ski. The ski school experience was alright for Sabrina but Ann Marie cried so much that they sent her back to the lodge for pretty much the whole day. Neither one wanted to go back to ski school this time around. 

I heard that Annie did fine going down her first time but then she fell and I think she got whacked with a ski pole in the face at some point (at least that is where she told me the bruise on her cheek came from). From then on I think she cried quite a bit. 

Sabrina did fine but told me she kept falling. Aunt Sharon said she was just having a hard time learning to turn and fell every time she tried. When I learned, my dad took me up the hill a bit and taught me how to turn and stop on my way down. We practiced this a few times and then he took me to the big hill to go.

I was hoping it would be fairly easy for the girls as well but the last almost 30 years have apparently taken their toll. My dad has always been a very strong person and works so hard and so much that it has delayed his aging. He always seems decades younger than he is. 

I vividly remember one time when I was a kid and we went to a condo we had at Brian Head. We had forgotten the key. The office was closed. So we kids watched while my dad, who must have been around 40, climbed up the balconies of the condo complex to the third floor to reach our condo balcony and unlock the door. I thought it was crazy that such an "old" person was doing suck a teenage stunt. 

In any case, my dad decided to show the kids how to get up when they fell. So he fell down on purpose and said, "watch me girls, this is how you get up when you fall." Then he tried to get up. This is when the reality of his 72 years came and smacked him in the face. He could not get up. This was the greatest shock of the day for him. Finally he had to take of the skis and stand up that way. I think this was his last time skiing.

I hope my girls can enjoy skiing more and more as they learn to do it better. It was such a fun thing to do with guys when I was a teenager. One of the few activities we could do at an equal level. Plus it made for great family vacations. I guess it is just mostly a matter of practice, practice, practice. Aren't most things in life that way?

Annie's Birthday

Thanks for all the great birthday suggestions! In honor of Ann Marie's true birthday today, I thought I would share some photos from her party last week. Today we will be celebrating with some cousins we haven't seen in months. 

Here is Annie next to the "Annie fairy" I drew of her for the game of pin the wings on the Annie Fairy. Tracing her like this just made me realize how stinking skinny this little girl is. her bum and waist were no bigger than her tiny little thighs. Okay I know I am not the best artist here but I must disclaim I haven't ever draw a side facing person before.  It served the purpose at least.

Here is how the cake turned out. I bought a toy musical box that had a Tinkerbell figure that went on top. It was a recreation of the music box Tink fixes in the movie. Then I decorated the cake to match the toy. It may not be pro but Annie liked it just fine.

Here is our little Annie fairy, all dressed up for her party and blowing out her candles flanked by her classmates/friends. She had a great time and we survived the party well.

Prayers

After all the prayers sent to heaven on our family's behalf and the incredible power they have been for us, how can I not post this comment?  Prayers are powerful things. May this young man feel their strength tonight.

Rena wrote:

I really love reading your blog you are very inspirational. I have a request if impossible. I know you have a large following and right now we can use some extra prayers. Jacob Bingham is a very special young man. He lost his father in a life flight accident a few years ago. His father was the pilot and they crashed on a foggy night trying to get someone in need to the hospital. Anyways. Jacob was in Colorado this past week and was hit by a drunk driver. He is stable but has sever head trauma. We do not know how bad yet. He has not woken up. A blessing has been given and his mother is by his side. The only thing I can do is get people to pray for him. That is where you come in. If you could put a little blurb in your blog I know a lot of people will read it and prayers will be streaming to heaven. He and his family have been through so much. They can use all the comfort they can get. Thank you for you consideration.

Rena Seegmiller

Great Quotes

Thank you once again my fantastic readers! Your quotes were totally helpful and much loved by our girls. I particularly loved the about life being about more than learning to weather the storm, it is about learning to dance in the rain. Actually there were MANY that I loved. I am so glad they are all there to be such a great resource for me. I love great quotes.

I have been playing single mom for a couple of days as Jon has been away to a conference. Having older kids makes this so much easier than it was a few years ago when he used to travel for work often. Still I have been busier than normal. Busy is good. Thus simpler and fewer posts this week.

I am excited to see Jon again tonight when he gets home. He has only been gone about 48 hours. But since he works from home I get to see him all day everyday almost. It has been a few years since we have spent a night apart. I am glad that after nearly 10 years of marriage I still miss him when he is away.

Well, speaking of busy, I have more kid duties to attend to now so I am off. Thank you again for all the great quotes.