Writing a Book

All day yesterday, when I would ask Annie to do something she would respond with, "Mom, I can't right now. I am writing my book and I am right in the middle of a page. I need to finish." She decided to write her own book. 

Last night she finished it. She brought it to me and read it to me. I would like to share it. It is her way of working through her emotions about Camille's death. And I think the ending is encouraging and very wise.

I kept her original spelling. She is only five and just started kindergarten this month. So I have translated in italics in case you can't figure out what she meant. She drew pictures of each of scene which I will describe also in italics. She made this book entirely on her own and without any input or ideas or encouragement from me. I think she is wonderful.

When Meells Diede

When Meelies Died

by Annie

This is when meeles diede.

This is when Meelies died. A picture of Meelies in the spa face down and Annie and Daddy next to the spa with frowny faces.

This is when the polees came.

This is when the police came. A picture of our house, the driveway, the street and the police car on the street.

This is us white Kaite.

This is us with Kaitie. A picture of my friend Kaitie who was staying with us that day in the playroom with the girls. 

 

This is us in the car white Akite.

This is us in the car with Kaitie. After I left for the hospital, Kaitie took the girls out. The picture is all of them sitting in the car.

This is us at the store.

They went to McDonald's for dinner. A picture of all of them at McDonald's.

This is us back at the hawos dansing.

This is us back at the house dancing. A picture of the girls in the playroom dancing with Kaitie.

We wr sad she whos gon.

We were sad she was gone. A picture of the three girls with frowning faces.

But we stil like uor famly.

But we still like our family. A picture of the three girls smiling.

But we stil love Hvnel Fotheer.

But we still love Heavenly Father. A picture of clouds with hearts in the clouds and Heavenly Father in the clouds smiling. See photo of that picture below.

My Answers

Well, I was planning on only answering one question this week. But there are more than one that I feel need to be addressed. So, I will get to as many as I can tonight and if I don't hit yours today, I still may get to it in the future. Some of those questions deserve their own post.

Question: To the woman who recently went through the temple and is having marital problems and feels she has no one to whom she can talk. What would I do in your shoes? 

My Answer: First, I think you should know that you can go to your bishop to discuss options. He is there to help you. You can always go to him for the spiritual and temporal guidance you need. Second and very important, in your comment you said your husband has begun to "hurt" you. Now there are lots of ways to be hurt. If you were referring to physical hurt, I would call my bishop, pack up my kids and get out. Another reader put up a hotline number. That is a great resource. I do not treat divorce lightly. I think there are very few reasons that people SHOULD get divorced. Physical abuse is definitely one of them. If you are being physically abused you should not stay in the relationship especially if you have children. It not only puts them at risk of being hurt by your spouse but it teaches them that such treatment is acceptable and it is not. 

If by "hurt" you meant your feelings are being hurt, I would read the book "The Peacegiver" by James Ferrell. It helped me to overcome bad feelings from a hurtful relationship I had. Again I would talk to my bishop if I needed more help, which it sounded like you did. Then you can lay the whole thing out to him and get more sound advice than from someone like me who only knows your situation from a few sentences in a comment. May the Lord bless and guide you.

Next question -- Have I thought about having another baby? Thanks for the worry **tif**. I know for some this is a very personal question but I am pretty open about such things so I was not offended in the least by the question.  

My Answer: I have always wanted about 6 kids. Immediately following Camille's accident when I was still struggling with the "how could I have let this happen" question, I thought perhaps I would never have more children. I hate to admit I felt that way but I am just being real here. But, I came to realize rather quickly that those thoughts were not from the Lord. As I realized that it was the Lord's will that Camille return home and as I became more sure of my feelings that it was her time and drowning was only the means, my feelings changed. I also talked to other moms who have lost children and had babies after who said it was a great healing event for them. 

By the time Jon and I left the hospital we were more baby hungry than we had ever been. It wasn't that we were anxious to replace Camille. That is not possible. But, babies bring so much joy to a home and we need that kind of joy. I am still not sure of the timing, however. I am nervous about introducing pregnancy hormones into my life when I am so emotionally unstable as it is. Ultimately, I trust the Lord and that He will make it happen when it will be right for our family. And to the person directing me to Molly and Vic, we are friends and talk a few times a week on the computer. Thanks.

Question: Did I have premonitions/promptings? 

My Answer: No more than I have had with each of my other kids. I did have that dream the night before but didn't remember it till I saw her in the spa. That day I had not a single prompting. It was as if there were radio silence from heaven. I think it is natural to worry about something happening to your kids. But whether it is simply worry or a premonition, well that is just impossible to know unless the Spirit is pretty explicit. 

In Camille's baby blessing, it was stated that she would have a "special circumstance" to go through in her life. I remember thinking, "hmm that didn't sound good." I asked Jon about it after and he said he wasn't sure what it was just that there was something she was going to have to go through. I remembered that and often held her a little longer before putting her down just at the thought of her getting hurt in some way. But, I never thought I would lose her so soon. No, that was no where in my realm of possibilities.

Question: Can God's will be changed by prayer?

My Answer: No. But people can be healed by prayers. We do not pray to change God's will. Even the Savior in the Garden did not do that. We pray to discover God's will, and align our will with His. 

So then if God is just going to do His will no matter what, why pray? No one asked that but it is the natural leading question. Prayers do have power. The prayer of faith has power to heal if it is not contrary to God's will. The key word there is "contrary." For some things the Lord has his will set. For Camille, I believe it was His will for her to return home. I felt that. Even in trying to pray with faith, I had a hard time having faith that she WOULD be healed because I did not feel the confirming Spirit that it was God's will for that to happen. I feel there was faith sufficient in all the prayers for her that she would have been healed had it not been her time to go.

Let me give another example. There was a time my freshman year of college when I got sick. I have asthma and an attack I had turned into pneumonia.  My roommates asked if I wanted a blessing. I said no. I figured why would it be God's will to heal me? I didn't think I had the faith necessary for such a miracle. I determined I would just stick it out and get better the old fashioned way -- by suffering through it. Two days later my roommates returned home from church to find me in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. I had been dry heaving and coughing for hours. They took matters into their own hands and called our home teachers whether I liked it or not. As I waiting for them to arrive. I did some serious soul searching and praying. I wanted to be healed. I did not feel it was God's will that I needed to suffer this sickness but I was unsure I had the faith to make the miracle happen. So I prayed. I prayed for faith sufficient to heal. The home teachers arrived. My roommate said a prayer and the Spirit filled the room. My home teachers gave me a blessing and immediately I felt hungry and the nausea was gone. I went to the doctors the next day and there were no signs of the pneumonia they had diagnosed 3 days earlier. I was healed. 

The moral of the story is, if I hadn't prayed and gotten that blessing I am sure the Lord would not have healed me. My healing was not contrary to His will but it was also not essential to His will.  I think there are LOTS of blessings waiting for us that are only dependent upon our asking for them in faith. 

In a case of life or death, there is scripture HERE on the point. Note verses 43-52 especially 48. It basically says that those who are appointed to die will not be healed but those not appointed to die can go either way depending on prayers of faith. 

This has gotten to be a lengthy post. I will end with a few quick answers.

Breaking Dawn was entertaining but ultimately a let down for me. I needed more sacrifice. It ended too pretty to me. I wanted a good fight.

I am glad Josh won SYTYCD. I liked him and thought he danced well. I am still ticked that Will was voted off though.

Shanan, ANYTIME!

Uncle Aaron is super cute? TRUE

And Catherine: Red, Mint Choc. Chip Baskin Robbins Ice Cream, superman, don't have one, my jeans, Hawaii, lemon tart at Bouchon, rear view camera, These Is My Words by Nancy Turner, my bed. I am going there now. 

Good night!

Wrong Number

I have been feeling the weight of sorrow on my chest tonight. Jon has been doing his best to pull me out of the funk but some nights a girl just needs a good cry. Tonight may be one of those nights. 

I taught the young women in church today. The subject was the worth of souls. In one section it was suggested I have a young mother with a baby come tell about her love for her baby and the worth of her child to her. Instead I talked about my girls, why I have flowers for them, and what each flower means. I talked about how I love each of them differently but equally. Most of all, I tried to convey to the girls how much each child individually means to a parent. 

Many times when I speak, especially to the young women, I am able to hold it together. Today was not one of those days. It was not the easiest lesson to give for that reason, but I think the girls felt the love and got the point. 

We also just received the DVD with all the video we have of Camille. My brother in law Aaron and his wife Carolyn made it for us. We watched it today. It is wonderfully done. Still, it is pitiful how little video we have of just Camille. It is the curse of being the fourth kid. Parents don't video you turning over or making cute noises so much if you are fourth. Most of the clips only have Camille in the background. There are only two with her as the star. Her birthday party is one and she seems overwhelmed through most of it. The other is her climbing into the cup drawer. It is priceless to me.

Watching the video I was so sad to realize we do not have her laugh recorded. I miss her laugh. I can hardly remember it now. That just kills me.

Then to top the night off, as we were playing Clue as a family tonight I got a phone call. The person on the other end asked "Is Cami there?" 

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"Is Cami there?" she repeated.

Inside I was thinking, "Yes, there is a Cami here. Or there was. There should be." Instead I had to reply, "I think you have the wrong number." It shouldn't be a wrong number if they ask for Cami, but it is now. Yes, sometimes reality sneaks up and bites.

Enough of this downer day. I am off to bed. I will leave you with one of my favorite poems for dark and dreary days.

The Rainy Day

by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;

It rains, and the wind is never weary;

The vine still clings to the moldering wall,

But at every gust the dead leaves fall,

And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;

It rains, and the wind is never weary;

My thoughts still cling to the moldering Past,

But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast

And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;

Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;

Thy fate is the common fate of all,

Into each life some rain must fall,

Some days must be dark and dreary.

Questions?

Uncle Aaron teaching Jon and Camille how to solve a Rubik's Cube. 

I love the concentrating face Camille has in this photo.

I am thinking of doing a once a week post to respond to questions posed in comments. I have done this a few times like yesterday. But as questions are not regularly posted in comments, it has not been a regular feature. 

So I would like to gauge the interest in a once a week post to answer or at least give you my thoughts on your questions or subjects of interest.

So if you have been lurking this blog and there has been something you have wondered or wanted to ask but felt uncomfortable asking, here is your chance. This is an official call for questions. 

I will tell you I am fairly unoffendable. I will not promise to answer every question. If I don't feel comfortable with the question I won't respond to it. But it probably won't offend me that you asked it. 

I only ask that everyone avoid asking more details than I have already disclosed about the actual events that led to Camille's accident. I just can't relive those again by discussing them and I have reasons for keeping them private. 

Also, the questions can be on subjects I have not previously addressed in my posts. And I am sure my husband would be willing to guest post an answer if there is a question out there for him or that he is better suited to answer. And if you want to know how to solve a Rubix Cube ... well we can get you in touch with Uncle Aaron in the photo above.

I look forward to seeing what is on your minds. Loves, Stephanie

Understanding Love and Fear

An Anonymous Commenter on the last post wrote the following, "Thank you for this post. I love the precious picture, and the sweet sentiment. You posted before about there is no fear in love. I have thought about it since the first time you posted about it, and realize I don't quite understand what that means. I fear several things, and losing one of my children is the main one. Does this mean I don't love them enough? Does it mean not to worry- there is a plan for all of us, so we don't need to fear? I'm sorry to ask these questions to you, but you seem to understand the concept, better than I."

For what they are worth, here are my thoughts on the subject. Perfect faith and fear cannot occupy the same space. Fear is not of the Lord. I do not have a perfect understanding of this concept because it seems logical that with great love there should be great fear of loss. But perfect love is Eternal. It does not die. It does not fade. It fills us with hope and ... well love. When we are filled with this love there simply is no fear in us. Imagine being in the presence of the Savior and his perfect love. If your love for Him is also perfect there should be no fear in your heart. There would just be so much love that there would be no room left for fear or doubt. I can only say that when my heart attached to that PURE love that I knew I had for Camille and my family, all the fear left me. The fear was the worst part of the experience. When we have perfect faith in the Lord and his plan for us, we feel his perfect love and there simply is no fear. We know all will be well, even if things turn out contrary to our desires. I do not think you do not love your kids enough. I think you are just human like the rest of us and do not have the perfect faith required to eliminate all fear of losing them. I do not fear losing my children anymore. I did before. I am not sure why this changed. Maybe because from this side of that experience I know how eternal the love is and how eternal the family bonds are. I don't want to feel this pain again and would fight to not have to feel it. But I know the Lord will not give me more than I can handle. I know His plan. I feel daily of His perfect love. When I keep focused on that, even in the painful moments of sorrow at the separation, there just isn't any room for fear.

Feeling the Love

Lauren, Sabrina, and Ann Marie loving each other. Note the hand hold.

One of my greatest fears in those dark days in the hospital tending the lifeless body of my baby girl was the thought of going home. How could I go home without her there? How could I leave her? The two times I left the hospital to try to get some sleep I went to my sister's house. I just couldn't go home. 

Sunday, before we turned off the machines, my brother gave me a blessing. In it he quoted a scripture with which I was unfamiliar. "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear" 1 John 4: 18.  I felt a warm feeling of assurance come over me. Love was not something lacking in my heart or in my life or in my home. Love was like the air around me. It surrounded me and was keeping me alive breath by breath. 

I thought of my girls and how much love my girls and how much all of us loved Camille. And suddenly I was no longer afraid to go home. I knew as long as our home was filled with that love, Camille would always be there, in our home, in the love.

The past three months, I have stressed the need for our home to be filled with love. This is not always easy. Kids fight. They get tired and grumpy and they bicker. Sometimes even the big people get tired and grumpy  and bicker too. But there has definitely been more love in our home lately. 

I often find my girls being incredibly loving with each other. It brings me the joy I am seeking in my life. I found them all laying on each other in the photo above a couple weeks ago. I love the picture. I love those girls. And I love that they love each other. 

I know I have talked about this before but I think it is worth the repeat because it is so easy to lose sight of the need for love to fill our homes. Life so easily distracts us. Like the other day when Lauren was climbing up on me for the hundredth time while I was trying to type something. Frustrated and annoyed, I finally asked her, "Why are you doing this? Why do you always have to sit on me?"

Her simple response brought me back and reminded me about what is important. 

"Because I love you, Mama," she said. Love is really what it is all about.

Finding Joy

"I am so happy!" Lauren says to me today. This girl just exudes happiness. She is the most happy, laughing, giggly girl I have ever known. She often reminds me of my paternal grandmother. In fact, I often can almost hear Grandma Harris laughing from beyond the veil at this little girl with all her giggles.

I am a thinker. My mind always is pondering something or other. Lately, I have pondered quite a bit about finding joy amid grief. I want to let myself feel all the emotions that pass over me so I can let them go, but I also do not want to dwell on the sorrow and grief. I do not want Camille, and especially not her death, to be the overwhelming focus of my life.

I figure there will come a time and season when she will be the most glorious sole focus of my life. I anticipate that day like you can only imagine if you have not lost a child. But I have three other daughters here and now. I don't want to cheat them out of their mother's attention and focus on top of the loss they are already feeling. 

So today as I was driving, I was thinking about how I want to model my own life for them to follow. I want them to be able to feel sad and cry when they need to let that emotion out. But, I mostly want them to feel joy -- real, honest, heart bursting joy. I think it is hard for them to feel that if I don't. The mama sets the tone in the home. 

Feeling more honest joy is something I am going to be working on. I just need to make my mind more firmly focused on the numerous and overwhelming blessings in my life to feel that joy. It is totally doable, if I can just focus my mind.

So today the girls and I watched a movie together and Lauren "held" me through all the scary parts to protect me. It was really cute. Then when the movie ended she exclaimed in pure joy with arms spread wide "I am so happy!" At that moment, I felt that pure joy emanating from her little self like a heat wave. I love you my Lauren. 

Shoppin Time

After a long day at work, I was summoned to the boss’s office (i.e. my DW, or “dear wife” for those of you new to the world wide webs). She informed me that I would be guest blogging today. As my role in life is to help, nay, serve the every whim and wish of her and her little minions, I acquiesced and said, “yes maam” while mumbling something about needing to see some show on the DVR list.

So here I am.

Ummm…. So now what?

Oh, right. Time for a fashion hot tip. I believe someone in my last entry suggested that bloggers give fashion tips. Below is a surefire way for the guys to catch the ladies. This dashing ensemble was put together to woo my DW back in the single days.

Now where to buy you are likely asking yourself? From the DI. No, not your Dear Idiot, but the Deseret Industries. Or Salvation Army. Or Thrift Store. OK, I did find a decent website HERE for all your leisure suit needs.

OK, while I’m on the subject, every commenter to this post must put (in your opinion) what you believe the HOT, NOW place to shop is. It can be on the Internet or in the mall. That’s the fun part about my job – I track where people spend their money and what they are buying, etc. etc. However, since I’m fashion blind (or perhaps a trendsetter in a leisure suit??) I usually rely on people like my sister (her chic shopping tips are found HERE) for what is cutting edge and possibly soon to be adopted by the masses. So indulge me with your thoughts, if you don’t mind.


Now, in these uncertain economic times you might be tempted to reply Wal-Mart or Target or Costco. These responses are off-limits. I know, the high price of everything has brought America to its knees and the average citizen can no longer rely on the price of his/her house to pay for that $400 handbag from Coach. We all know that few are going to Saks and Neiman these days. We’re going to lunch with the kids at Costco from the food handed out by old ladies in white hair nets. It’s a surprise every time! OK, OK I admit that might just be me because I’m too lazy to make Easy Crack, I mean, Easy Mac for the girls. In any case, Wal-mart/target/costco are obvious choices – too obvious.

Happy shopping!!

A Conversation with Sabrina

I don't have many photos of Sabrina holding Camille, but it was a daily occurrence around our house. Sabrina loved to tote Camille around on her hip like a little Mama. I think that is what Sabrina misses most is holding her baby sister. 

This morning I was having some alone time with Sabrina. I asked her if she ever felt mad that Camille isn't with us here anymore. 

"Mad?" she asked. "No. Not mad. But I do miss her." Then she began to tell me about a show she watched that reminded her of Camille. "I was watching Franklin the other day," she said. "And in it Harriett had a blue blanket that Franklin had given to her. It was to make her feel better when she was sad or hurt. Well in the show, Harriett and a little boy named Kit got hurt at the playground and Harriett got a Bandaid for her scrape. Then she went to visit Kit and make sure he was okay. He had sprained his ankle. Harriett gave Kit her special blanket to help him feel better while his ankle hurt. Then when Kit felt better he gave the blanket back to Harriett.

"It reminded me of two things about Camille. First, it reminded me of the magic blanket that someone gave us to feel better when we miss Camille. Also, it made me think that Harriett is like Jesus and Kit is like Camille and the blanket was like her life. Jesus gave life to Camille and when she didn't need it anymore she gave it back," Sabrina concluded. "I thought of those things and then I just couldn't help but cry," she finished.

What insight for a sweet seven year old girl to have. I just had to record her deep thoughts for my own record of this time in our lives. Thanks again for the magic blanket, Wallaces. And thank you forever for Camille's life, Jesus.

Tired

Tonight I am tired. Life is hardest when we are tired. We all feel it at some point. It is just a matter of what we are tired of that differs. Some are tired of feeling sick. Some are tired of fighting addictions, or temptations, or depression. Some are tired of being pregnant, or climbed on, or pooped on, or spit up on. Some are tired of feeling lonely. Some are tired of having to get up every day and work all day to provide for their families. Our trials differ but sometimes each of us gets tired of bearing our personal cross.

Tonight I am tired. I am tired of not having to keep my voice down at night putting the girls to bed because there is no sleeping baby. I am tired of waking up to silence. I am tired of trying to keep my mind firm and positive. I am tired of people worrying about me. I am tired of worrying about myself. I am just tired. 

Jonathan just asked me what I was posting about. I told him I was posting about being tired. He said that was not a good thing to post about. He said I should post about my "dh." He said posting about my "dh" and how cute he is would be much more interesting. My self proclaimed "designated hitter" is right. 

We all get tired but we cannot, we must not give up the good fight. We must take up our cross and fight onward. The stakes are just too high. The alternative is too bleak. Heaven watches us most closely when we are tired. It is the crucial point in the game that defines us as players. What do we do when we are tired? Do we give up or do we call for help and carry on. These tired times are defining moments. 

Tonight I am going to follow the advice of my "dh" and tell you all I love that man. It is he who can make me smile through my tears. It is he who helps me bear my cross despite the weight of his own. I love that man. He is an example of strength and endurance to me. Now I am going to follow his example and his cute behind and head up to bed.

Hands of Heaven

Last night the creator of this video above and one of her friends upon whom the movie is based came to our ward enrichment to present this video to our Relief Society. I asked them to show the video as a thank you to my ward sisters. 

The video is a representation of the true stories of four friends who help each other through some very trying times in their lives. These trials bring these friends together as they serve each other. I saw the video for the first time about 2 years ago in California. I left thinking "Who has friends like that?"

Over the last three months I have discovered that I have lots and lots of friends like that. These are the types of friendships forged in the furnace of the Refiner's fire. They are deep meaningful and filled with charity. I have found those friendships with neighbors, old friends, new friends, and many many strangers. I have found these friendships do not depend on age, marital status, or life stage. They are only founded on love and service. 

I am so grateful for all the sisters in my ward and neighborhood who have loved and supported and prayed for us. Especially since so few of them even knew me before this happened. I am equally grateful for so many incredible friends from my past who do know me well and resurfaced to lend love and support through this low time. 

I hope all of you know, whether you were there last night or not, that I love and appreciate you. Even those of you I don't know very well. I have felt the support of your prayers and love. 

If you get a chance to see Hands of Heaven, you should. It is available to purchase HERE. Thank you to Kathryn Turley for creating it. It gave me a reference point to cling to as I have traveled down this thorny path of loss. May we all find deep, meaningful relationships through service of and with other women in our lives.

A New Season

September seems to mark the end of summer for me. School is back in session. The weather is cooling off ever so slightly. Routines are back. People are all back from vacations. 

There is something comforting about the return to routines. For me, this fall marks the end of the worst summer of my life. I welcome the changes of the season. The new season marks a new chapter of my life. I know every ensuing chapter will be framed around the events of this summer. But, with mixed emotions, I am turning pages and starting a new chapter. 

Sabrina and Annie started school and have been enjoying their new teachers and new friends. Here are a couple of photos of them on the first day of school.

My Answer

I have been pondering my own question from the previous post. How would my "secret journal" to the Lord be different from my prayers? As many of you have noted, the Lord knows all my thoughts and feelings. I don't think I would be writing those in my secret journal to Him.

No, I think my secret journal would be full of questions. I usually don't ask the Lord lots of questions. I never have asked "why" of the Lord during this trial. I think I avoid questions because I feel uncertain about getting answers. I just think that the Lord only tells us answers we really need. The rest He expects us to take on faith. 

But pondering this self posed question has made me rethink my position. I have learned so much through the subtle whisperings of the Spirit these past couple of months. I have learned things I didn't NEED to know but that are comforting and wonderful. Maybe the Lord wants to teach us things about his kingdom but is waiting for us to ask. 

Maybe if we never ask, we are missing out on treasures of great knowledge that He would like to give us. I am not saying I can just go ask what happened to the dinosaurs and get the answer. But, I think I may start asking more questions and studying the scriptures and pondering and listening for more answers. And I am going to be careful which questions I ask. I am going to ask questions that can teach me more about my Father in Heaven, my relationship to Him, and how I can progress further in my journey to Him. I think these are the kind of questions He may be waiting to answer for me.

Secret Journals

A very good friend of mine Molly, is a family therapist now. I visited with her a bit to evaluate whether or not to do family counseling after Camille's death. While we ultimately concluded that at least for now counseling wasn't necessary, she gave me some great ideas to do with my girls.

One of these has been having a secret journal for each girl. Each girl has their own journal. They can write their thoughts or feelings in it and put it under my pillow for me to read. Then I write back to them and put it under their pillow. 

My girls have loved having secrets with me. Now none of their secrets are juicy. Most are wondering if we can play Clue together "next day" or ideas of where we can go on vacation next. But I love that they have a place to communicate more privately with me. 

I think secret journals are a great idea. Thanks for the journals and the suggestion, Molly.

So, if you had a secret journal with your Heavenly Father, how would what you write differ from how you currently pray?  Just throwing that out there for thought. I don't have my own answer to that yet. Just another of my deep questions to ponder for the night.

Remembering

Remembering

Remembering is so painful, 

It just makes me want to forget. 

I pull my mind to the present,

 to keep me from feeling regret.

I cruise through days nearly normal,

Enjoying life, children and love.

I feel healing, strength and wisdom,

Pouring down from heaven above. 

Then out of the blue, a trigger,

A gesture, a phrase, a sweet laugh,

Remind me of tastes, sounds and smells,

I want preserved like photographs.

The lobe of her ear in my mouth,

Her head tucked tight under my chin,

Her smell just fresh out of the bath,

Her eyes, her kisses, her soft skin.

Faced with all I have forgotten,

Her taste, her laugh, her cry, her smell.

Forgetting is just so painful

I want to remember her well.

Drama Queen

Annie and Mikenna (Britt's daughter)

The fever has gone and now the rash has come. This virus that has gone one by one through our little family has certainly had more of an effect on me than it did any of my kids. They all got fevers for a few days and then a rash for a day or two after that. But neither of these stopped them from eating, sleeping, playing, or doing. The only one that even complained at all was Ann Marie. 

Annie is my drama queen. She is the last person I want sick in this house because when she is sick I have to practically carry her everywhere and she cries ... no wails most of the time.  All she said when she had this was that she was itchy. She kept scratching her thighs and arms and I could see the rash spread to most of her body.

Now either this has hit me way harder or I need to newly declare myself the biggest drama queen in this house. 

I had the fever and chills and my body ached so badly I couldn't do my normal chores. I had to soak in a hot bath to warm myself everyday and then go to bed early covered in blankets. Then I woke sweating and bare several times a night. That was the fever part. I am done with that part. Yesterday I noticed the rash.

The rash is the same one Annie had. And yes, it is itchy. It isn't too bad though. No, it is just bad enough. Just bad enough to make me grumpy yesterday. Just bad enough to cover my whole body from the sole of my feet to the crown of my head. Just bad enough to make my skin red and hot like it is sunburned. Just bad enough to make me have to think not to scratch because that really hurts. Just bad enough not to let me sleep.

Aye there's the rub. No sleep. Coming off a week of bad sleep, I really need my rest. Last night, that was not happening. I can only count one other time when I was more frustrated by not being able to sleep and that was in the hospital with Camille. I was just so tired last night. Finally at 1 a.m. I got up and went downstairs and watched a movie.

I think I finally got to sleep around 4 a.m. only to be woken by Lauren at 6 something. Then I couldn't go back to sleep because of the insane itching. 

In the hospital with Camille, my sister in law Nikki and sister Lesli each took a night and read scriptures to me to calm me so I could sleep. It worked for about an hour each time. This morning I finally gave up trying to go back to sleep and came downstairs. Annie was awake by this time. I couldn't even open my eyes but I could tell it was her that came to hug my by her height.

She took my hand and let me to the couch. She laid me down and asked if I wanted her to read me some scriptures. I said yes. She opened to Alma 30 and started to read. After ever verse or so she would say, "Mama, now tell me what I just read to you." 

Sometimes I had been conscious enough to remember and could repeat some of the words. Then she would say, "That is good Mama. That is right." Other times I couldn't remember and she would say, "Okay Mama now listen this time as I read it to you again."

She read the entire chapter to me just like that. By the end of it I knew exactly who needed to take me upstairs and put me to sleep. She and her sisters took me upstairs and Sabrina told me a story first. Next was Annie's turn. I was not conscious for the end of it, thankfully. 

I love my gifted little Ann Marie for her ability to read, her vast ability to love, and for ability to put me to sleep.

How Quickly They Grow

Sabrina and Annie Sept. 2007 

Last night I was headed to bed after finishing my Midnight Sun reading. I heard a noise as I reached the top of the stairs and went to investigate. I found Sabrina up going to the bathroom. As I turned to leave her she spoke. "No, Mama, Don't go," she said. "Come sleep with me."

Sabrina is the only baby I have ever had that would sleep more soundly with me than in her own bed. She is seven now and seems so mature sometimes. I figured there may not be too many more years that she would want me to snuggle her to sleep so I indulged us both and went in to lay with her till she was soundly back to sleep. Then I stayed a little longer. 

Laying there next to her, I felt all my love for her wash over me. I was so glad we have had so much good alone time together. I love the sweet loving girl she is and the helpful sensitive young lady she is becoming. I was also astounded once again at her incredible beauty. The soft tender skin of her neck and clavicle were just a breath away and got several kisses from her mama while she slept with one arm wrapped under my neck.

"Some day she is going to get married," I thought to myself. "Someday some man is going to look at that neck and admire it with such different feelings than mine." I began to think, "Whoever she dates or marries better treat her with all the respect and pure love she deserves. He better adore her. He better live to take care of and protect her."

I thought of all the ways men can and often do inflict injury on their wives. Finding a good husband is not always easy. Even good men can make stupid mistakes that cause their wives major pain. I feel so blessed that the Lord turned Jon's heart to me. But what of my daughters?

I have no guarantee for them. Well, except Camille. I do have a pretty sure guarantee for her. Whoever she chooses will already have overcome the trials of this world as well. There are so many trials on this world she will never have to suffer.

Sabrina, Annie, and Lauren I will still have to worry about. I will watch them grow in beauty and stature. I will teach them and train them. I will admire and love them. I will hope for them and pray for them.

And for now, I will lay with them when they want me to because I know one day they won't ask any more. One day, they will be too big to snuggle in my lap. One day they won't want me in their rooms. So for now, I will snuggle with them all I can.

Sabrina June 8, 2008

Midnight Sun

Some of you may have already heard about the leak of this much anticipated novel by Stephenie Meyer. I feel really sad that someone leaked a partial draft of her book on the internet. I am even MORE bummed that she has put the book on hold indefinitely because of this leak. 

I am thrilled, however, that she has made the partial draft available to us her fans who wouldn't go read it illegally on the internet. If you want to download it go see her site HERE I have spent the day reading on my laptop. I would SOOOO much rather be holding a book than a computer, but I have throughly enjoyed reading this side of the Twilight novel. I actually wish I had read this before I read Breaking Dawn.

I hope Meyer decides to return to this novel and finish it someday. I just know how bummed I am going to be when I get to the end of this draft. I think having this partial draft out there will only whet appetites all the more. 

Well I am 150 pages into the 264 page draft and loving it. I am feeling better today. The fever seems to be more under control and Edward and Bella have been occupying my thoughts. I think I will return to them now. Happy reading!

The Wonders of Being Sick

I have to give a shout out to my awesome sister Lesli. I have not been feeling well and she has helped with the blog, my calling in Young Women's, and today she came over and cleaned my whole kitchen. Les, you are heaven sent.

So this is the first time I have really been sick since Camille died. I was sick when Camille died with a nasal thing that seemed to drag on forever after. Now however, I have been fighting a fever, chills, and body aches. 

The funny thing is, I actually feel so much better inside than I have in a long time. I don't know if I am delirious from the fever, or if it just feels like all the inside pain is taking a backseat to the teeth chattering chills, but I almost feel like my life is -- normal?

How can that be? I don't know. And frankly, I am not too worried about it. I want to get to a place where I feel this way more often. So I am riding it out as long as it will last. 

I have had a few thoughts this week in my deliriously normal mind. We grievers hold on so closely to our grief as if it is the last piece of our child. It feels subconsciously like letting go of the grief is letting go of the child. This is not true. 

God did not allow us to suffer this trial with the intent that we spend the rest of our lives in sorrow. Rather, we are to learn to bear the sorrow with broader shoulders than we thought possible and find joy once more in our lives.  I really believe that I have suffered this trial for purposes so vast that only my Creator knows their entirety.

No it is not the grief we must cling to, it is the love. The trick is that they are so linked. I suppose there will always be sorrow in the separation. That is only natural. But I want my sorrow to be the kind that is over powered by joy. 

Joy in the blessing my daughter was and is to me and my family. Joy in my work here on this earth. Joy in the work my daughter is engaged in beyond the veil. Joy in my other beautiful children. Joy in my relationship with my husband. Joy in the Savior. Joy in the love from all those angels in heaven who have stood by me in every time of need. Joy in the love of a Heavenly Father I trust implicitly.

Enough from my fevered brain. May I share a quote from William Wordsworth:

"There is a comfort in the strength of love;

'T will make a thing endurable, which else

Would overset the brain, or break the heart."

END OF AUCTIONS!

Time is up. This is the end of our three auctions. It is Nie Nie Day today and we feel so grateful to those of you bidders out there who contributed so much for this special cause.

The three winners are as follows:
Item #1: Eye Candy necklace, winner A.P. at $150.00
Item #2: Blush Lavender earrings, winner Jennifer at $60.00
Item #3: Navy Love necklace, winner Maine626 at $135.00

CONGRATULATIONS WINNERS! We hope you love your items and especially the good feeling in your heart that you helped a fellow blogging mamma and her darling Mr. Nielson.

Winners please send an email to lesli2go@yahoo.com and include the following:
1) Your first and last name, 2) mailing address [where you want the item shipped to], 3) your blogsite address if you have one you wish to share

I will email you my paypal account and then you can make payment there. Then when I see your payment has hit the account I will be able to ship out your item. I will donate the total of the three payments to the Nielson's recovery fund via Paypal.
This just seems easiest to do--less steps for everyone involved.

So I look forward to hearing from you winners. And our many many thanks to those of you who participated and even browsed our auctions.

If you would still like to donate to the Nielsons you can do so by clicking on the following Nie Recovery button. It will take you to the official donation site.