Sunday, September 14, 2008

Wrong Number

I have been feeling the weight of sorrow on my chest tonight. Jon has been doing his best to pull me out of the funk but some nights a girl just needs a good cry. Tonight may be one of those nights. 

I taught the young women in church today. The subject was the worth of souls. In one section it was suggested I have a young mother with a baby come tell about her love for her baby and the worth of her child to her. Instead I talked about my girls, why I have flowers for them, and what each flower means. I talked about how I love each of them differently but equally. Most of all, I tried to convey to the girls how much each child individually means to a parent. 

Many times when I speak, especially to the young women, I am able to hold it together. Today was not one of those days. It was not the easiest lesson to give for that reason, but I think the girls felt the love and got the point. 

We also just received the DVD with all the video we have of Camille. My brother in law Aaron and his wife Carolyn made it for us. We watched it today. It is wonderfully done. Still, it is pitiful how little video we have of just Camille. It is the curse of being the fourth kid. Parents don't video you turning over or making cute noises so much if you are fourth. Most of the clips only have Camille in the background. There are only two with her as the star. Her birthday party is one and she seems overwhelmed through most of it. The other is her climbing into the cup drawer. It is priceless to me.

Watching the video I was so sad to realize we do not have her laugh recorded. I miss her laugh. I can hardly remember it now. That just kills me.

Then to top the night off, as we were playing Clue as a family tonight I got a phone call. The person on the other end asked "Is Cami there?" 

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"Is Cami there?" she repeated.

Inside I was thinking, "Yes, there is a Cami here. Or there was. There should be." Instead I had to reply, "I think you have the wrong number." It shouldn't be a wrong number if they ask for Cami, but it is now. Yes, sometimes reality sneaks up and bites.

Enough of this downer day. I am off to bed. I will leave you with one of my favorite poems for dark and dreary days.
The Rainy Day
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the moldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the moldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.


Stephanie said...

It sounds like you do need a good cry--sometimes it's the best medicine! I hope tomorrow is better, but if not--my shoulder is always available!

**tif** said...

You go ahead and cry. It's so healthy to have days like that. You are so strong. To be strong it seems we have to allow ourselves moments to be human again. You don't have to be happy all of the time, you are still strong and still very admirable. Thanks for sharing your heart! I am crying with you, but I only feel a small portion of your pain. It hurts.

Now you can remember that you don't know me and you have no real reason to take my advise unless that feels right :)

Liz's Blog said...

My prayers and love are with you, especially tonight.
You know me and how much I cry....take some time and just let it all out...we all need to sometimes.
Please take comfort in knowing that even though this is your cross to bear, you have many that are praying for you and loving you.

Anonymous said...

I wish I could give you a hug somehow! My heart is hurting for you!


Amanda said...

I will pray for you tonight that you will never forget your Camille's laugh. I think you will not, not truly. You probably won't be able to recall it in prefect detail, but you will remember. We are all still praying for you.
Amanda Colby

A Farmer's Wife said...

I am so sorry about the wrong number thing and the rough day! I think it's probably all a part of the healing process that really sucks to get through!!! Thank you for sharing your process with all of us! I really think you should write a book! You are a fabulous writer!!!

Noorda Notebook said...

steph i'm so sorry it was such a sad day. i'm glad you got that beautiful video. i was reminded that i have no video of my kids. i better buy a camcorder. the poem at the end was really beautiful.

love from windy utah.

Huggins family said...

sometimes i feel the same way. i remember going through all of our justin's stuff cuz i couldnt remember how he laughed. sometime i try real hard to remember how he walked. your feeling are so real.

Small Town Mommy said...

One day there will be no more sadness...I'm certain that finding the patience to wait for that day is a minute to minute challenge. I pray that you can dig down and find it over and over again....

Darren and Nikki said...

Steph- I'm sorry that it was one of those days. The bad days always made me appreciate the good ones. I love you and hope you have a better Monday.

Rachel said...

I know these days are all part of the whole experience, so I won't wish them away for you, but my prayers are with you.

Mrs. Morty said...

I'm sorry you've had a hard day. Watching videos is bitter sweet. After my dad died I had something really cool happen to me and my first thought was "Oh, I should call my dad and tell him..." Those moments hit hard I know.

Shanan said...

Steph & Jon - you and the girls are loved and thought of often! May these days pass with your heart a little stronger.

Jennie said...

I hope that your heart is feeling a little better today. I hope your burdens are eased by the many people praying in your behalf.

Just Too Swift said...

It is so nice to read how much people love you and support you. I wish all those kind words could fix the hurt you feel (I know they can't, but we're all out here thinking about you anyway.) I loved your answer about why should we pray if God is going to do what He wants. I've often wondered that myself. Great answer, thanks!

Heidi said...

I agree--you go and have yourself a good cry. I often think that is the best medicine. And I'm sorry you don't have more video of Camille.

Chelsea said...

can I just say that I love your blog? thanks so much:)

rebecca said...


I'm sorry you have hard days like this day was. I wish I could help lift your burdens. What can I do to help you?