Little Things I Don't Want to Forget

I have a few things to document that I just don't want to forget about my kids. Bear with me or skip this if you don't really care. ;)

Noble: He loves to GO. When I tell him "Let's Go!" He runs with his little pitter patter feet to the mud room area and points to my purse and then to the garage door. When he is getting into trouble downstairs I ask him if he wants to play with his blocks. He gets a look of "Oh YEAH!" on his face and that little pitter patter of his feet goes over to the stairs to go up to his Mega Block legos. When the door bell rings, again the pitter patter to the front door. When dad's office door opens, the pitter patter to his office. I love the pitter patter. It is the only part of tile floors that I love.

He has a soft heart for anyone crying and is quick to give them a love. He loves to stand at the door and wave goodbye to his sisters as they go to school in the morning. When he is tired he is happy to go upstairs to bed and will wave goodbye to anyone downstairs as we go. He loves to climb and if able to climb on chairs now and smart enough to know if he moves them he can get up on a counter. Scary. Yesterday I followed him upstairs and was in the next room when I heard the water go on in the bathroom. I ran in to find him sitting in the sink fully clothed and turning on the water.

Words: he says "Dad" and "ball" and "Lala" and bellybutton which actually sounds like "BeBu" and he is learning to ruff like a dog. How appropriate that his first animal sound is a dog. :)

Lauren: She likes to tell me she loves me more than a never ending ice cream cone. That is a lot. She loves to cuddle and she makes good friends easily. She likes to do her own hair (which consists of her wetting and brushing it with a really soft brush till it is almost straight in the front.) She likes to come up with interesting outfits. One day she came in ready for school in a striped orange, red, and pink dress with striped pink, white, green, and orange pants. These were not stripes that were meant to be worn together. I said "My you sure are stripey today!" She smiled and said "Yes!" so proud of herself, "even my underwear are stripey!" That sealed it for me. I couldn't tell her to change a thing. Anyone who put that much thought into an outfit deserved to wear it proudly to school.

Annie: She is an eager and wonderful big sister. She loves to help her younger siblings however they will let her. Need help sounding out a word? planning a play? walking to the bathroom? doing a chore? she is there! Noble LOVES Annie. The other day I looked in the rear view mirror and saw she had laid her head down in his lap in his car seat. He had his arms around her giving her loves. She loves to tell stories and be the center of attention with her friends. She likes to say "Well.... " and then make a little smacking sound with her mouth several times and clear her throat a few times before she tells you something. This makes it very easy to do a good impression of her. ;) Dad says she has a black belt in pilates. She will show you her own version of "pilates" moves that seem more like some crazy karate.

Sabrina: Tonight she got home from dance and we were all playing outside. We were waiting for her to come home before we went it. All the kids ran in the house and she went running around the neighborhood picking up all of ours and the neighbor's toys and taking them into our garages before going inside. Once inside she practiced her viola and then as she finished she said "Mom, you and I have a date with the dishwasher." She knew I needed to do the dishes and needed some motivation. She stayed and helped load (not a job she enjoys at all) while I washed the dishes. What can I say? She came this way and I am just trying not to screw her up.

And Snickerdoodle: Just a few pregnancy oddities to note. First I have had strange cravings. I say strange because they are odd for ME. Normally I crave sweets or burgers or not so good for you food. This time, all those things make me sick to even think about! I can't even eat desserts. The only thing that has been steadily safe and so good to me is fresh fruit and good healthy salads. I guess that is good for me. Less weight to gain hopefully. Oh and the craving of the day is funeral potatoes. I will be making them for dinner group this week for sure. Anyone got an awesome recipe for them? I guess I will be googleing that tonight!

Okay, I am off to put those little darlings to bed!

Surprises

I love good surprises. I love to surprise others and I love to be surprised - as long as the surprise is a good one. Jonathan, on the other hand, does not like surprises. He doesn't care much for me trying to surprise him. He never has the "great surprise" reaction I love to see. Even if the surprise is big and I know he likes it. He just smiles and nods.

And I am pretty hard to surprise. I guess I like to feel in the know because most of the time I know something is up when a surprise is coming. Sometimes he does manage to give me a genuine surprise though. Like today when he emailed me from the airport to tell me he was catching an earlier flight home! That is one GREAT surprise! Yipee!

Mom to the Rescue!

My mom has been sick all week. So even though she is in town she has been stuck in bed. I had been planning on her helping me through this week without Jon. But as the days of her illness drug on, I lost hope of seeing her. Then yesterday morning she called and told me she was almost all better and well enough to come help me out.

After the disaster that was Wednesday night (well... mostly it was just a disaster because I was too spent with too much to do) I was ready for some Mama TLC.  She came out in the early afternoon and helped the kids with a school art project all afternoon. I am sure this project would not have happened without her. It was not mandatory but all the girls WANTED to do it. I could not have done it with them alone. They had so much fun making "popcorn art."

Then when I felt sick after dinner she cleaned up and helped the older kids with their homework and music practicing while I took the little kids outside for some fresh air for me and exercise for them. Somehow the fresh air didn't seem to help my nausea so we headed back inside before too long. After I got Noble and Lauren bathed and Noble to bed I laid around while my mom helped the girls finish up all their music practicing and getting ready for bed.

Then we all listened as Nana read to us from her favorite storybook from her own childhood. It had great stories - one for every day of the year. With the kids in bed, I took advantage of having my mom to myself and we watched a little Star Trek together before I went to bed and she headed home. My mom is kind of a Trekie and she has instilled a fondness for that show in me.

All in all it was a great night for me - mostly because my mom was here. Thanks mom!

Here we go ...

Jon is in the big apple for the rest of the week. My conclusion after this night... pregnant ladies should not be left home alone to do all the work of 4 kids. I miss my hubby and the help he gives at night. I am tired and emotional.

Last night the girls had an all out sob session feeling their grief all over in their new ages and understanding. It was a heavy night. Tonight I am feeling the aftershocks of their grief on my own heart. They are my comfort and joy and at the same time they add layers to my grief because I grieve for their loss as well.

How many more days till my anchor comes home?

Great Neighbors

You know neighbors can really make or break any place you live. I grew up in a cul-de-sac my dad built with 4 of his friends. We loved all our neighbors and were welcome to play with any of them anytime. We all took care of each other on that street. It was an ideal way to grow up. It felt like one big extended family all around us.

While there are a few more houses on my street now, and I certainly didn't know my neighbors before I moved in, I feel blessed to have great neighbors in my neighborhood now. I don't know ALL my neighbors but I do know a good percentage of them. And we have a really good neighborly feel with 2 annual block parties and plenty of homes where I can go borrow a cup of sugar or where my kids can find friends to play.

Last night I was feeling sick (like every night). For some reason it just seems that I feel better when I am out in the fresh air so I took the kids out in the street to play. They went across the street like normal to ask our street play friends if they wanted to play.

My neighbors across the street were the first people I met up in this neighborhood. They were one of the first 3 people to move in and were just moving in when I drove the neighborhood one night to show it to my brother who was in town from California. We started talking and they let me come in and show my brother their home. We moved in about 4 months later and we have been great friends ever since.

So last night not only did my neighbors come keep us company and play but when they heard I was feeling crummy and not up to making dinner (thus why we were in the street playing at dinner time) so the kids were going to have to wait till 7:30 when dad got home to do dinner, they fed my kids some of their dinner.

Did I mention I love great neighbors? I LOVE GREAT NEIGHBORS! Thanks to all my neighbors who have been and continue to be such good friends and such great supports to me and mine.

Do you know your neighbors? What can we all do to be great neighbors today?

Great Book

Last week I read a book entitled "the Maze Runner." It was pretty darn page turning. If you read and liked the Hunger Games, you would probably like this book as well. It is the first of a trilogy and the second book is scheduled to be released on Oct. 12. I am looking forward to diving into it.

The book is about a bunch of teenage boys who are trying to survive day to day life in a world they woke up in with their memories wiped out. It is interesting because the voice is from the perspective of the newest addition to their ranks and you discover this world right along with him step by step.

The author, James Dashner, does a great job making you want to keep reading chapter after chapter. I finished this book in about a day and a half. It makes me want to go read what else he has written.

If you are looking for a good page turner to dive into, I highly recommend the Maze Runner.

Sleep

Sweet sleep,

Why do you evade me?

I have offered myself to you with all my strength laid before your feet. 

Yet somehow you will not take me into your sweet embrace

Relieving my mind of its troubles and my heart of its sorrows.

Those packages seem to tied to me to make room for the softness of your companionship.

They seem to follow me even when we do at last find each other in that stillness of the night.

Troubles, BE GONE! Sorrow, save it for tomorrow! 

Tonight I have a date with Sleep and I want to have some quality one on one time. 

There will be plenty of time for us to play,

Awake in the brightness of the day.

Till then all I ask is a night of sweet and blissful, sleep.

Waiting for the big one?

This weekend we went to Utah and we got to spend some sweet time with my dear friend Kami. We were roommates freshman year of college. She got married her second year and we lost touch for years. When I got pregnant with Camille and we were considering the name Camille, I thought about Kami. I knew we would call our child "Cami" if we choose Camille as our name. I knew I would think of Kami since she was the only Cami or Kami I had ever known. I had great association with the name because of her. Still I hadn't talked to her in about 13 years. I wondered what had become of her. 

So I set to finding out. I called another of our roommates and between us we figured out where her parents lived. I called around till I found her parents and then got Kami's number. I called her up and reconnected. I told her of the baby I was having and how I was considering naming her Camille or Cami. I told her I had called to see if her life was in order so I wouldn't be naming my baby after someone who would be a poor model. To my great pleasure, she was still as wonderful as the year we lived together. And we choose the name Camille with confidence. 

I loved spending time around Kami. I love being able to say her name. That may sound weird but sometimes I just want to say the name Cami. I call out Annie and Saby and Lauren and Noble all the time. I don't get to say Cami very often. I miss the sound of her name on my lips. And people can get uncomfortable or worry about you if you are talking about your dead child to them all the time. So it was nice to spend a weekend with our family referring to Kami and going to Kami's house without all the heavy emotion we usually associate with the name. She is one of the few adults I let my children call by first name. 

One night while we were talking, Kami noted how in life she felt her trials had been relatively minor (like a 2 on a scale of 1-10). She expressed a fear or thought that I used to have all the time. The wondering what big trial was coming to you. It seems everyone has their big trial in life. No one escapes without feeling the heat of the refiners fire. And she wondered if I no longer feel that expectation or wonder. Did I feel like I now knew what my big trial was and that nothing harder would come to me. 

I wish I could say I did feel that way. But I am too young and too aware now to think that I am safe from big trials. I hope none will be as hard as this trial of losing a child. But I am painfully aware from my association with other angel mothers that experiencing this doesn't get you some pass to get out of future BIG trials. I thought that tonight as I read THIS most recent update on Sheye's blog about her pregnancy. I wish you could really send a hug through cyberspace.

I am praying for her tonight. I am hoping to have the strength to endure whatever lies ahead. And I am enjoying the blessings I have today knowing life gives us no guarantees. 

A Reminder

Do you ever have those moments when you get slapped across the face with that feeling for your spouse that reminds you exactly why you married them in the first place? I love my husband. We get along really well. He puts up with me and all my crazy moods. And we work well together as a partnership. But today I had one of those moments that just took it to a more focused and heightened level.

I woke up in a sour mood. I had a long do list today. Luckily I felt pretty good this morning and was able to get much of it done before I ate and felt yucky. But I was still in a bad mood. Especially about an upcoming trip we are taking. Jon on the other hand was feeling rather excited about this little trip and was scouting out zip lines and alpine slides and all that to do while we were there.

I was being a downer about it. I just felt like I didn't want to travel when I am feeling so yuck. Jon would not be pulled down with me. His silly optimism is infectious. By mid morning he had perked me up and reminded me of just one more reason I love him so much. He is fun. He makes me happy. He provides the silly we so desperately need around here sometimes. It turned out to be a good day after all. And the thanks for that go to my hubby. Love him.

When Sabrina went to Kindergarten I cried. I wasn't worried about her in anyway. I just knew I was going to miss my little girl. When Annie went to Kindergarten I worried about her. Will she be bored? Will she try to be the teacher? Will they be able to challenge her? When Lauren went to Kindergarten I worried about the teacher. 

I know Lauren will learn things this year and be challenged. I only hope the teacher will have patience with her as Lauren tells her how to run the class. Lauren knows EVERYTHING. Even the things she doesn't know. And she isn't afraid to tell you about it. 

The other night I was making scrambled eggs. I already had the eggs in the pan and mostly beat up. I was just beginning to stir them up. Lauren was watching me. "Mom, you are doing it all wrong. You don't make scrambled eggs that way!" Take note here that she has never made scrambled eggs. She kept telling me I needed to stir it differently. Finally I said "Oh ye of little faith Lauren." To which she replied, "Oh me of little faith Mama. What does that mean anyway?"I told her it meant she didn't believe I could make scrambled eggs well. She said that was right because I wasn't making them right. 

When I finished the eggs everyone ate them and told how good the eggs were ... even Lauren.

After the second day of school I was asking Lauren how her day was. She said good. I tried to get her to elaborate. After asking a few more detailed questions of her without any detailed answers Lauren finally said, "Can you just stop asking me questions and let me think for a minute." I think I have actually said those exact words before. Scary. 

It is like she is a mini me when I was a little kid. But at the same time she also reminds me so much of my grandma Harris. I mean Grandma Harris used to tell my mom (her daughter in law) she wasn't stirring the Jello right. If that doesn't sound like Lauren I don't know what does. So it makes me wonder if I was a mini Grandma Harris when I was a kid. And if so I wonder how my mom felt about that. I guess I will have to ask her about that next time we talk.

I feel lucky to have Lauren. I love having a reminder of myself and my Grandmother in her. And hopefully in time she will learn there are more than a few ways to make scrambled eggs and Jello.

A Dark Cloud with a Silver Lining

I have written about a hundred whiney blog posts in my head these past few weeks. They all revolve around how much I hate being sick. (Who came up with the idea that women should have nausea when pregnant. That person and I need to have a talk.)

I have refrained from writing these posts down since nobody want to a pregnant lady whine about feeling sick. Especially when it is such a blessing to be pregnant in the first place. I recognize this. This pregnancy came only after 7 months of trying and an early miscarriage the previous month. Still this being sick part has been ... especially trying this go round.

In an effort to preserve my own personal history, I want to record how I have felt. So I apologize in advance and give a warning that this will likely sound whiney. 

All my previous pregnancies, my nausea has been a sign to me of a healthy pregnancy. I have never miscarried when I have been nauseous. So it has been reassuring despite the discomfort. 

So it took me by surprise this time when the nausea this time elicited a rather different reaction in my psyche. As soon as the nausea came on I began to feel this overwhelming feeling of dread and fear and anxiety. Instead of signaling healthy pregnancy, it signaled Camille's accident. I felt nausea after her accident for weeks -- months really because I got pregnant with Noble and then it just stayed. 

I guess I didn't notice it last time because I was still so fresh in my grief that it all just ran together. But with this pregnancy, well, I have come so far in my healing that it was harsh to be thrust back into that fresh grief feeling. 

I have had trouble sleeping as the anxiety turns to adrenaline and my thoughts stray at night to that dark day. I have spent hours awake in the night, exhausted, but unable to sleep, haunted by my pain and grief.  It has been by far my most challenging first trimester ever. It has made me question how I thought I could do this again. And it has made me, for the first time, consider that this may be our last child.

The emotions have mellowed as I have endured week after week of this. I started taking Unisom to help with the sleep issue. That has helped immensely. I have been indulging any food craving I can to combat the nausea. Sometimes that works. Sometimes I just feel worse after. The thought that I have another 4-8 weeks of this is ... well hard. Is there anyway to just skip or sleep through September?

I will be 10 weeks in 2 days. I usually get better between 16-18 weeks. I was feeling really super low about this all about a week or two ago. Then I read THIS post by my fellow Angel Mom Sheye and I felt like a wimp. You should read it. It is the silver lining after this dark cloud of a post. She is my new hero. If she can do what she has done the past 3 years with grief loaded on her back, I can certainly make it another month or two, Right? RIGHT.

Shiny Happy People

Here are the school kids with their new clothes and new backpacks and new shoes and new headbands ready to take on a brand new year of school. They were so excited for the first day.

Lauren had a great first day being walked to class by her big sisters. I am anxious to hear the report from the other girls. Lauren and I are making "first day of school" cookies. Here are a few individual shots.

Noble and I had a fun morning playing by ourselves and running some errands. Can't leave him out of the photos this morning. I think he wanted to go to school with his sisters.

It was awfully quiet around here with just he and I at home. Oh well, I guess I ought to enjoy it because it won't be that way for long. 

We have a little "Snickerdoodle" baking in the oven. 

Due to be done March 31st. 

Now I think I will go do something to keep me from throwing up. :)

Back to School Eve

It is the night before the first day of school for us. The backpacks are packed with school supplies waiting to be taken to classes. The new school clothes are purchased and ready to be put on tomorrow. We have seen our classrooms and met our teachers at the "meet and greet." The special french toast casserole is soaking in the fridge waiting to be cooked tomorrow morning. Somehow tonight almost has a Christmas eve feel.

I am excited for the girls to go back to school. Lauren will be starting kindergarten and she is very excited. I am looking forward to the routine school provides. I am tired of answering the question - "I'm bored. What can I do?" I feel really good about the teachers everyone got. I hope this will be a good year for them all.

It has been a long 3 week break for me. I have not been myself. I have been struggling to make it through each day. So there were no big activities planned or schedules adhered to. I did manage to finish off Date nights with Annie on Friday. We went to the mall to get earrings at Claires and then got ice cream at Ben and Jerry's. At home we played a card game together.

Annie is just such a bright star. She has a twinkle in her eye that can light up a room. She loves big. She is fast and fearless. She makes me smile. I am so glad to have her in our family.

So Noble and I will have some alone time each day now. He is so cute and fun. He doesn't talk much. Though he does say "uh-oh" very often (for valid reasons.) He has a loving heart and will give anyone he sees crying a snuggle. Sometimes I fake cry just so he will come give me a love :). He loves to put things in and out of things, especially the trash.

I look forward to sharing some alone time and nap time with him everyday. And I look forward to the book vacation I am going to give myself as soon as I catch up on my laundry and house work. Mockingjay is waiting for me and I am dying to dive in. Pictures of back to school tomorrow.

Raincheck on the Sale

This sale has been postponed due to back weather forecast. Bummer. Will let you know when they do it for real.

S

Date Nights

We only have 3 weeks of summer here with our "year round" school schedule. And we decided not to travel for various reasons. So one of the things I have been doing to try to make the "vacation" fun is to do a Date Night for each of the girls.

After drawing straws, Sabrina won the first date. She chose to go to the mall. We got a Hot Dog on a Stick and Lemonade and went to Claires to buy earrings for her. She just got her ears pierced two months ago and is excited to wear fun earrings. We had a fun time despite the fact that I wasn't feeling all that well. It is so fun to see her growing up in to such a beautiful young lady. She has such a comforting and loving spirit. I feel completely blessed to have her pave the way for the children in our family.

Last night it was Lauren's turn. She chose a trip to Toys 'R Us followed by ice cream cones at DQ. You know, do you really ever grow out of the trill of so many fun toys at a store like Toys 'R Us? I certainly haven't. I was almost as excited to see all the toys as Lauren was. After ooooing and ahhhing over all the possibilities, Lauren picked a stuffed animal to buy. I gave into my own temptation and bought a couple of games for our family to play. We have had fun playing them today.

Lauren is growing up everyday. She has an incredible memory and will tell me details about things she has seen on television or stories she has heard in Sunday school. Her talk is getting more and more "grown up" these days. She is learning to sound out words and read and write. She can count to a trillion "in" 9. :) (She counts correctly to 109 then skips to a million and goes to a million and 9 then to a billion. From there to a billion and 9 and then to the trillions.) She also draws well, especially flowers and butterflies (or so she tells me.) She is so darn cute. I just want to squeeze her. I love her 5 year old ness.

Jon took his turn at bat and took all the kids on a date with Dad to Shark Reef yesterday. They had fun and enjoyed the fish. Next week we will have a date with Annie. More on that date to come...

Washington D.C. Trip

Hi Everyone. I know. It has been almost a whole week with no posts. No, I haven't been out of town. But I am planning a trip that I would love some help with. Jon and I are planning on taking our oldest 3 kids to Washington, D.C. this fall. I am excited to show the kids where I lived when I was in law school and take them to my favorite places out there.

One thing I am struggling with however, is where to stay. I wondered if any of you have visited D. C. and have any recommendations. I want to stay close to a metro station either in a safe part of D.C. or one of the close areas in Virginia. Any suggestions?

It has been so long since I have been back to D.C. that I can't remember which areas are safe and which are not and which hotels are nice and which are not. I would really appreciate any suggestions anyone can give me.

Favorite Things

I made a new purchase recently. It is definitely one of my favorite things. It makes me feel strong and tall and capable. It adjusts to go easy on me on hard days and hard on me on easy days. It makes my jeans fit better and my body more able to accomplish its daily tasks. It is the only form of exercises that I really like. (Well running outside isn't so bad but only on good cool weather days which are few here in Vegas.)

I bought a reformer from the studio where I was taking classes. Now my trainer comes over once a month to teach me new exercises and I work out on my own the rest of the month. It has been great. I especially love that I don't have to worry about having someone watch the kids while I go. My girls are great coaches. They are now experts at counting to 16 for me as they count my reps. 

Noble loves to sit on my tummy while I go back and forth doing leg work. Sometimes he even just lays down on my chest and enjoys the ride. My girls like to try to do the exercises I do. They are too short to do most of the leg ones. But they can all do some of the arm ones and love to ask mom if they can "crack the walnut."

I know this is silly because doing Pilates is really hard when you do it right. But part of the reason I love it is because I get to spend a good portion of my workout laying on my back. That to me if relaxing. Even in my legs, or core, or booty is burning from the strain.

What is your favorite way to workout?

Dance with Me

Watching the Finale tonight, a thought hit me as I watched this piece by Travis Wall. He choreographed it about his mother's battle with (what I read somewhere) breast cancer. It was touching thinking of it in that light. But tonight when I watched it I looked at it with broader eyes.

Tonight I saw myself as the woman in this piece. And immediately the one "fixing" me took on the role of the Savior. He doesn't take all the pain away. He just gently nudges here and lifts there to get me going at those moments when I just feel like I can't do it on my own.

The middle part shows the anger and passion of grief and how the Savior lets us alone to feel these but is never far from us and he understands these emotions and feels them with us. I love how it starts and she is so devastated and then he catches her in her fall and then after the passion and "fight" in the middle section she if laid low yet again and he helps her walk forward, guiding her and helping, ever so gently to lift her feet.

I am grateful for a Savior who understands and is willing to share the dance - through both the good, bad, the stumbling and the fighting with me.

Can you see yourself in this dance too?

Wow

I saw this today via Nie Nie. All I can say is WOW. Wow.

SYTYCD Finale Party my house tonight at 8:30 ish.

I Know... I Know...

It is 4:19 a.m. What am I doing up? Good question. I had a big long day yesterday. I worked hard. I played hard. I got no nap. I should be snoozing right? Right. But I have spent the last hour or so laying in my bed in June 2008.

I kept telling myself, "Stephanie. It is August 2010! We are two years out. Let's close that chapter and look forward." But somehow my mind wasn't listening. So finally I thought maybe coming down here and writing it out would put the past back to bed and let me go to sleep.

We went swimming last night. Jon had to work till almost 8 so I took the 4 kids by myself to our friends house. I knew this would be too much for me to watch 4 kids at a pool when two of them are not so water safe. So I came prepared. I brought a port a crib and put Noble down to sleep in the house as soon as we arrived. He was tired and it was his bedtime so this worked well. Now I just had Lauren to worry about.

I got in the pool with the kids and we had fun. I worked with Lauren on her swimming. I helped her see that she could swim all the way across the pool by herself. We did a few laps together with her turning on her back to float to breathe. She did so well and I was so proud of her being so brave and working so hard to learn this technique. Still, it was draining to keep my eyes on her 100% of the time. It is just stressful to me. She was fine the whole time. We swam for about and hour and half in all and she got so good at flipping over on her back. As she got tired toward the end she often would stay on her back and kick to get to the side.

There were no close calls. Sabrina and Annie had a blast and Jon eventually showed up to get in with them. Still, the stress is just there for me now whenever water is near. Part of me always feels I must be missing someone or there must be some danger I am not seeing.

And so when I woke up at 3 a.m. I was back again in 2008, reliving the reason for my stress. These days, the reliving is less adrenaline filled. It is more analytical?, more of a running through the events in my head, confirming that they happened? And they are often accompanied by that nauseating feeling of the reality of my loss.

Lately I have been thinking about how different the death of a child is as apposed to losing a grandparent. I haven't really experienced other losses enough to know how this compares to them. But I was thinking how different this is because losing a child changes you as a person. Some of those changes are good and some of them are pretty not so nice. :) But it changes you. It is like a different chemical is added to your make up and it completely changes who you were before is so many ways.

The other losses I have experienced, while they were very sad to me, didn't do that. I was very close with my grandmothers and I still miss them often. But it just seemed to be part of life to lose them. Maybe it was earlier than I wanted with one of them. But she was still 80 and had lived a full life. Somehow, losing a young child doesn't seem like it should be "part of life." And yet ... for me ... it is.

And so now, I guess, is this. The stress and the reliving, at 4 in the morning, the day that changed me forever as a person.