Thoughts on Physics

There is a law in the field of physics that says something like "Bodies in motion tend to stay in motion. Bodies at rest tend to stay at rest." It takes outside forces to stop bodies in motion and to start a motion in a body at rest.

This statement or physical law is proven to me daily. Specifically, MY Body, when in motion, tends to stay in motion. When it is at rest, it tends to stay at rest. It takes a force of energy to make my body get up and get in motion doing the daily grind. But once I get going, I tend to keep moving until the task is complete or the force of exhaustion brings me to a stop.

This is true of me all the time, but it is more pronounced to me now carrying around an extra 20 some odd pounds. This morning, like nearly every morning, it was my children's schedule that provided the outside force to get me going. They have school. I have to get them there. They have classes, and I am their ride. Oh how they have kept me going these last 8 months. They have been a saving grace to me.

Once I got myself up and going I pretty much carried on without much stopping. It feels good to go to bed having accomplished much and tired from a good day's work. Still sometimes I feel I need to work harder on being a self motivator. That is not a strong point of mine. It has been one of the hard parts of losing the most constant motivator for me. 

Babies require so much of their parents, especially their mothers. There is no sleeping in when the baby is crying in the morning in her crib. The cry is the outside force that puts your body in motion. It is exhausting. It can reduce you to tears when you have had little sleep and all you want to do is rest. Still the baby's cry pulls us out of our beds and into the state of perpetual motion we call Motherhood.

I guess I write this for my future self, for the day in the not too distant future when I am once more prodded on by this unrelenting outside force to my emotional and physical breaking point. I want to remind myself of how empty it feels to have that outside force taken away. I want to remember the longing I feel now to hear the cry and feel the force pull me into motion.

Perhaps then it will give me greater appreciation and endurance for that ever constant prodding that takes every bit of energy we have and pushes us further than we thought we could go. 

I want to remember the stillness and emptiness of the loss so that I can find greater joy in the tired stupor of the work.

The Love of Poetry

Sabrina is upstairs listening to a CD of poetry that came with a book of poetry we recently purchased. I had forgotten how much I love poetry. So often in my life certain phrases of poems ring in my mind as I live their lines. 

I think I will have to spend some time this week rediscovering some of my favorite poems. I will share one of my favorites with you here. Perhaps if you have a favorite poem you can leave it in a comment to share with the rest of us.

My Grandfather Bunker loved Shakespeare. He passed this love down to his daughters and from my mother and him I also developed a love for it. One of my favorite of his sonnets is the 29th. It reminds me how richly I am blessed by the love of the Lord, the love of my husband, the love of my family, and the love of all those who have gone before me, my grandfather included.

This one is for you Grandad.

SONNET XXIX

XXIX 1. When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes 2. I all alone beweep my outcast state, 3. And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries, 4. And look upon myself, and curse my fate, 5. Wishing me like to one more rich in hope, 6. Featured like him, like him with friends possessed, 7. Desiring this man's art, and that man's scope, 8. With what I most enjoy contented least; 9. Yet in these thoughts my self almost despising, 10. Haply I think on thee, and then my state, 11. Like to the lark at break of day arising 12. From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate; 13. For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings 14. That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

Recipes

Here are the recipes from Chris Herrin's workshop. He showed how to make restaurant quality desserts at home with grocery store ingredients.  We all loved the samples he shared with us at the demonstration. If you try them at home let us know how you like them! Enjoy!

Panna cotta

Panna cotta is an Italian dessert made by simmering together cream, milk and sugar,mixing this with gelatin, and letting it cool until set.

An Italian phrase which literally means "cooked cream", it generally refers to a creamy, set dessert from the Northern Italian region of Piemonte.

It is eaten all over Italy where it is served with wild berries, caramel, chocolate sauce or fruit coulis. It is not known exactly how or when this dessert came to be, but some theories suggest that cream, for which mountainous Northern Italy is famous, was historically eaten plain or sweetened with fruit or hazelnuts.

Our Version is served with strawberry jelly, lime fruit salad, and citrus Madeline's

 

Panna Cotta

INGREDIENTS

2 cup milk

1 1/2 envelope unflavored gelatin

2 cups heavy cream

1 1/2 cup white sugar

1 each Lime Zest

DIRECTIONS

1. Pour milk into a small bowl, and stir in the gelatin powder. Set aside.

2. In a saucepan, stir together the heavy cream and sugar, and set over medium heat.

Bring to a full boil, watching carefully, as the cream will quickly rise to the top of the pan.

Pour the gelatin and milk into the cream, stirring until completely dissolved.

Remove from heat, stir in the lime zest and pour into six individual ramekin dishes.

3. Cool the ramekins uncovered at room temperature.

When cool, cover with plastic wrap, and refrigerate for at least 4 hours, but preferably overnight before serving.

Topping

One package of strawberry jello.

After ramekins of panna cotta are cool, top with thin layer of strawberry jello and place in refrigerator until set again.

Fruit Salad

Combine assorted light color fruits together with the juice of lime mango, honey dew, cantaloupe, pineapple, kiwi, toss with the lime juice and a pinch of sugar, allow to set, until panna cotta is ready to serve, top each ramekin with the fruit salad serve with your favorite sorbet or sherbet.

 

Raspberry Truffles

Dark Chocolate Raspberry Ganache

2 1/2c bittersweet chocolate, chopped

1 cup heavy cream

1/2 c Raspberry Jam

"Raspberry" Powder

Powder Sugar as needed

1 package Raspberry Kool-aid

Few Drops Red Food Coloring

2 cups chopped chocolate melted

DIRECTIONS

Place the chocolate into a medium bowl. Heat the cream in a small sauce pan over medium heat with raspberry jam. Bring just to a boil, watching very carefully because if it boils for a few seconds, it will boil out of the pot. When the cream has come to a boil, pour over the chopped chocolate, let rest a minute and whisk until smooth. Pour in a zip-lock bag or pastry bag. Allow the ganache to cool until set-up and pliable. While chocolate ganache is setting up mix powdered sugar with raspberry kool-aid package with a few drops of red food coloring, to make pink to red powdered sugar, reserve.

When Ganache is set-- Pipe quarter size dollops, they will be rolled so portion is preferred over finished look. Place sheet pan into cooler, until set and roll between palms as fast you can to make round. After piping chocolate ganache, and they are setting up begin to melt chocolate place 2 cups of chocolate over double boiler, and melt until nice and smooth not to hot. Allow chocolate to cool until warm if melted to hot. Dip truffles in chocolate and roll in raspberry powder sugar mix. Place pack into cooler and let set-up.

Enjoy now, or place in zip lock bag and freeze for up to two months.

If there is any question about recipes, procedures or would just like to comment please send them to

cherrin@bouchonbistro.com

 

Bouchon Bakery Daily From 6 am

Bouchon Bistro Daily Breakfast from 7am Dinner From 5pm

LV Singles Conference

Yesterday I presented a workshop class on blogging at the LDS Las Vegas Singles Conference. Most of the audience of about 150 people did not really know much about blogs. We spent a good bit of time talking about what a blog is, the different kinds of blogs out there, the potential uses of blogs, and the benefits of blogging.

I also shared some of my personal story and how blogging has so blessed my life. Few people in the room knew who I was or what my last year has been like. Today marks 8 months since Camille died. Yesterday, I told the audience about the inspiration I got the made me feel I needed to start blogging. Then I told them how great a blessing this blog turned out to be when just a short while later my daughter died.

I still can't get those words out of my mouth without crying. Somehow saying them out loud brings the reality of it rushing back at me.  It took me a minute of two to compose myself as I talked about how this blog helped me cope and communicate at that time and how it has been a wonderful vehicle for recording the feelings and events and blessings that have come to our lives through this all too difficult experience.

The experience presenting this has made me rather reflective and a bit somber. I was glad to have the experience, but I am glad to be done with it too. It was difficult to prepare for not knowing how much my audience would know about blogs.

I was grateful today to have a great lesson in our Young Women's class at church on being happy. That is a lesson I need frequently. Sometimes in our lives, it takes a lot of work to be happy. This for me is one of those seasons. But I am glad for reminders to be busily engaged in this work.

My friend Chris Herrin, the pastry chef at the Bouchon Bistro in the Venetian Hotel, also presented a couple of workshops yesterday. I will be posting the recipes he gave out soon. His workshop was by far the most yummy of the day I am sure. Watch for that post in the future!

Sharing the Love

Happy Valentines Day!

Jonathan and I had such a busy day today that we celebrated Valentines together last night. Usually, Jon pulls out all the stops and makes me a gourmet meal on Valentine's night. He picks a menu and pulls recipes and spends HOURS cooking for me. 

The food is always great but by the time it is ready it is usually very late at night and every pot or pan has been used and is in the sink. This year I told him I wanted to cook together. I think it was a great improvement. He still picked the menu and recipes but we both worked together to make the dinner. Our little girls also pitched in when they could. It was fun. Plus we were able to clean as we went so that by the time we sat to each we had a relatively clean kitchen.

I even set the table with our china, which is not something I have done in a very long time. I need to do that more often. Here I am at the table ready to dig in.

The menu for the night was Duck Breast in a Pink Peppercorn Demi Glaze Sauce and Fresh Corn Pudding.

For dessert, I went up and put girls to bed while Jonathan got really gourmet on me and made lovely profiteroles with a richly decadent chocolate sauce. We filled them with mint chip ice cream and a vanilla ice cream sandwich ice cream. They were wonderful. He may not do it often, but when he wants to, my man can cook. Love you Jonathan!

Connected

I got this comment on my last post. Knowing the power of prayers and out of gratitude for so many that have been and are still offered for me and my family from strangers, I post this today. My grandparents lived next door to some Ashworths - Don Ashworth I believe. Perhaps this Robert is a grandson of theirs. 

The human web of relationships is so intricately woven that one need not hop far to connect to another person. We are all more closely connected than we know, I think. May our connected humanity drive us to our knees for each other and give us strength through the storms.

Now the comment: 

My brother-in-law Robert was diagnosed with leukemia in Nov. 2007. He fought the good fight with four rounds of chemo and a bone marrow transplant. He has been doing really well, even grew his hair back! Then this past Friday he got a call from his doctor that they found more leukemia cells in his routine follow-up blood work. He is back in the hospital receiving chemo and will need another bone marrow transplant. I'm telling you all this because I have often prayed for someone that you posted on your blog who was going through a difficult time/health issue in their life. I would love it if you could put up a post about him and ask for prayers for him. His name is Robert Ashworth, and we too live in Las Vegas!

If you wouldn't mind also posting a link to the blog we are keeping up for them, that would be great too. We will need to do some fund raising for him this time around, because his insurance was so depleted the first go-around. I have seen the power of the blogging community on cjane and nienie's blogs!

Thank you! Thank you for your words, openess, insights and for just being you. There have been many times that I have read 'just what I needed' on your blog. You are truly inspirational!

With Love,

Janelle Gratteau

Guiding Hands

Life is so full of choices. Some times of our lives we have lots of life altering choices all at once. Other times we are faces with simple little choices everyday that only in the cumulative will make a real difference in our life. And sometimes seemingly inconsequential choices change everything. 

I am grateful for the guiding hands that help me with my choices, big and small. I am not really in a stage of BIG choices right now. I no longer have to choose who to marry or where to live or what career to pursue. Still there are important choices that lay before me. Some will have lasting effects like naming my baby. Others, like choosing friends or ways to spend my time or money, may seem small but could have long term impacts.

Through all these choices, I feel that same sense of unseen guiding hands that I did when I was making those BIG life decisions. It is like a river a peace flowing through me and carrying me down its path. Sometimes it takes me in through places I would rather not go. But as long as I follow that river of peace, I am able to drink from its Living Water. 

How grateful I am that we are not left alone in this life. I have often felt my grandparents watching over me. Now I feel an even stronger connection to the life that exists beyond the veil of death. I feel tied to that world through unbreakable heartstrings. I miss my baby girl. But I am not without her. I know her hands now help guide me.

Missing! One Lost Tooth!

Last night, with far less drama than last time, we yanked Annie's remaining wiggly front tooth out. We put the girls to bed. As usual, they did not immediately go to sleep. Sabrina was writing notes to her teacher and Annie decided to draw a picture of her tooth. 

Apparently she put the tooth down on her sister's bed, told Sabrina to watch the tooth for her, and went to go get paper for her drawing. Later when she was drawing the tooth she needed it to look at for her drawing and asked Sabrina where it was. Sabrina had no idea.

So now we are missing one lost tooth. We have stripped the beds, cleaned the rooms, picked up the mattresses. Nothing. I think we will be putting her drawing of her tooth under her pillow tonight for the tooth fairy. Anybody else had this happen? Did the tooth fairy pay up anyway? Annie says if the tooth fairy doesn't pay, maybe I should just give her money. Hmmm. 

I will have to get some video of Annie talking without her teeth. She is SUPER cute and with her permanent teeth already coming down we will only get to see this toothless grin for a short while.

To Post or not to Post

Well I woke up this morning to rain and tears and a nice little pity party. I spent the first 45 minutes of my waking hour crying and then writing a rather whiny post about the difficulty of ward changes and meeting new people just months after losing a child. 

After I finished writing the post I felt much better. I got out all the frustration. I vented my most recent "what not to say/ask" experience. Then I felt bad about the post. I didn't feel like posting it would help. I have already addressed the subject before HERE and it is people who don't read my blog that end up saying the wrong things anyway.

So, I saved the post and decided to just go about my day. The rain cleared up and so did the tears. Life is funny that way. Sometimes all you really need it a way to get the emotion out. Just like the atmosphere must at times let the rains fall. And then the sun returns and eventually the clouds clear away.

And so went my day. After tears and discomfort I moved to working out and running errands. Then we ended the day at a Valentine's party at my parents. Going from loneliness to love in 12 hours makes for a grateful heart. 

Today I am grateful for rain that comes in its season. I am grateful I don't live in the Northwest where rain is the norm. I am grateful for my pilates workout that finally got me moving today. I am grateful for children who love me even when I feel like I was a slacker mom for the day. I am grateful for a loving husband who fills in for me when I need him most. I am grateful for great parents, siblings and in laws who are great examples and teachers to my children.  

I am grateful for life - the one I am living, the one I am carrying, and the one that exists beyond the veil of death. 

Oh What Do You Do?

What do you most love to do when all the world outside looks like this?

Today has been a rainy day. We have stayed indoors doing a bit of this:

Homemade Valentine's Day cards for schoolmates and family members.

Then this afternoon I surprised the girls and Jon with this:

A fancy party of homemade hot choco with real homemade whipped cream and buttery toast strips for dipping in the choco. It is a favorite treat of ours and perfect for a cold rainy winter day. 

Here are the girls dipping their toast strips.

Crafts and treats make for happy girls.

What do YOU love to do on a cold and rainy/snowy winter day?

A Name Question

Okay readers. I need some unbiased help. My husband and I have been discussing a certain name that one of us really loves and the other thinks is too gender neutral. We both want a name that when people hear it or see it they will know is a boy. We both think that seeing this name people will think boy. 

The problem is that one of us thinks that when people hear this name they will think girl or will not be sure boy or girl. So I am putting up a poll on my blog to get an idea what a sample of the public thinks of this name. Boy for sure - Girl for sure - or gender neutral/not sure.

PLEASE let me know whether you think BOY GIRL or NOT SURE/COULD BE EITHER when you HEAR the name...

OH yeah! Could you ask your husband or wife to vote too so we can ensure the vote is not overwhelmingly female? Thanks!

JESSE

Thanks readers! 

I should note that this in no way indicates we have chosen this name. It is one on a long list of names we have been discussing. 

Six Months

My due date is officially three months from today. Now it is likely I will go over due like I have with every other kid, but still, I am at the 6 month mark. I thought I ought to take a photo of the belly at 6 months and record how the pregnancy has been treating me.

The Belly with Peanut inside at 6 months

Physically - Most of the time I feel really good. I have kept up my pilates though not as often as I should. Still I am maintaining the strength I have gained there and I think that it is helping me feel good. The belly, as you can see in the photo, is definitely there. Bending over is no longer so easy but I still can do it when necessary.

I have a good amount of energy most mornings and can get lots done then. By about 7 p.m. my belly starts getting tight and feeling heavy. I still sleep well. I am able to eat without heartburn discomfort. That is always a plus. 

Basically, I do not have all the discomforts of the third trimester yet. I am very grateful for that. I am hoping to keep them at bay for as long as possible. Three months still seems like a long time.

The baby is healthy. He is quite a mover and a kicker. He seems rather strong for 6 months gestation. The kids like how they can sit and watch him move around and kick my belly now.

Mentally - I feel good. I enjoy working in Annie's class. I am preparing to give a presentation at a conference for single adults next weekend on blogging. I just finished a great book about the life of Vincent Van Gogh by Irving Stone. And most importantly, I have been doing pretty well at keeping my mind from living in June 2008.  This seems to get easier with time. 

Spiritually - I have been feeling connected. Sleeping a good amount helps me be a nice mom and that helps keep the Spirit in my heart. I don't feel perfect, but I like feeling that I am a work in progress. (Key words being "in progress.")

Emotionally - I do not feel overly emotional due to the pregnancy. That is nice. I still have the current of grief running just beneath the surface, but most of the time I feel it is kept at a manageable force that my mind helps me navigate.

One interesting note about the pregnancy or this baby for me is how much more connected I feel to this child than I ever have to any baby before. Usually, I feel little if any connection to my babies until they are born. I don't know why this is. They just don't seem real till I see them face to face I guess. 

Somehow, even though this child will be a whole new world for me, I feel very connected to this nameless little guy beating up my insides. I am trying to pace my anticipation and excitement for his arrival. I feel the time goes faster when I am not counting the days. Still there are moments when I can almost feel him in my arms. May the days fly till that dream can be a reality.

Economic Impression

This morning I had an impression that I wanted to share. To give a bit of background, I have noticed our children doing more asking than thanking in their prayers lately. It has been bothering me. So on Monday we had a Family Home Evening lesson on how important it is to be grateful.

We talked about how we need to do better with this not only in our prayers but in every day life too. I pointed out how much more I hear "EWWW! This is gross" at dinner instead of "Thank you for making us dinner, Mom." We also talked about how when a sister shares something we need to thank her for sharing.

Another topic that has been frequent in our home lately has to do with the economy. Like most other families I know, we are trying to rein in the financial horses of our budget and plug up the leaks. I have been trying to be more efficient in our food use and have been very strict with the kids about not wasting food.

So part of our FHE lesson was on how we need to be grateful that we have food, even if it is leftover stroganoff again. We ought to be grateful we are not hungry and without food in our house or money to buy food.

I ended up challenging the family to thank God for at least 10 different things in every prayer. So far I am pleased with the results. They are remembering to do it and it has carried over to them thanking for things without me having to tell them to say thank you.

Now, to my impression this morning. The state of the economy has been on my mind. With friends and family and neighbors who are looking for jobs and trying to find ways to make enough money to live, I think it is on most peoples mind.

Our family has been affected as well. While Jonathan has done well despite the turbulent stock market, our largest investor fell into financial trouble and had to pull all his money out of our fund some months ago. And it is difficult to find investors for any type of investment fund these days, even when a fund is showing good results.

This morning as I was thinking about the economy and our family's financial situation, I had the impression that I needed to express more gratitude for the economic blessings with which our family has been blessed.

We are right now in lean times, that is to be sure. But, we have come from a time when the Lord did provide great opportunities for us to fill our storehouses, so to speak, to help us through this time. I am grateful for the wheat I have stored, both literally and figuratively.

I think we as a nation must turn more fully to the Lord and offer up our gratitude to Him for whatever blessings we do have before this economic "famine" will fully turn around. It is most difficult to think of your blessings when your needs are shining so brightly in your face. But anyone who has traveled much in the third world knows that every American is blessed. The poorest of the poor here have things so much better than the poor of so many other countries.

I wonder if there is a person living who could and would call the country as a whole to turn to the Lord in humility and gratitude. I am not sure there is. I think President Obama may have the ability but I don't know that he would do that. Perhaps the movement I am hoping for must be one that starts on a grassroots level.

Perhaps it will be us, in our own homes coming to that conclusion for ourselves. Perhaps it will be us telling our friends and neighbors of such impressions and expressing our gratitude instead of singing our woes that will turn our country one family at a time to the Lord and bring once more the sweet relief of the thirst quenching economic "rains."

More Than I Can Handle?

I had an anonymous comment this week with a question.  Let me quote it here:

You know the saying -God never gives you more than you can handle? I am having a frustrating time in my life right now, and that saying doesn't make sense or comfort to me.. Nothing huge compared to you and many others is going on here, My husband is deployed and I am left in a new state by myself with 3 kids, one who is a newborn.. I don't mean to be mean or make you sad or anything.. I just keep hearing this advice and I just wonder what you think about it..? I just feel so overwhelemd and tired right now.. I'll survive I know that, just not with flying colors.. Am I suppose to? Is it even possible? Is that what the saying means? If so how? I truly don't understand and feel lost and lonley.

Let me start my answer by pointing out the falsehood in the saying. God does give us more than we can handle. For it is by realizing how utterly unable to handle things in our lives that we are most likely to turn to Him for help. He wants us to turn to Him for help and not to walk alone. When we turn to the Lord with all our hearts, He will help us to carry our burden. For it is WITH God that all things are possible. 

So the saying should be that God will never give you more than you can handle with His help. That is a true saying. But note that even then the saying did not say that we would have to handle our cross (whatever it may be) with ease or without the occasional stumble. 

Let us look to the scriptures for an example here. In the Book of Mormon there is a scripture in 1 Nephi 3:7 that says, "I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."

Here was Nephi sent with his brothers to do a seemingly impossible task. He and his brothers made a first attempt and were run out of the city. He thought of another strategy and tried again. This time he was run out of the city by guards trying to kill him. Do you think he felt like he was passing this test with flying colors? I am guessing not. But he was patient and persistent. 

He entered the city a third time with no plan. He entered with faith alone that somehow the Lord would be his partner in this venture and provide a way whereby he may complete his task. This time the Lord did provide a way and he was able to accomplish his task. But even then it was a difficult task for him and one he would rather not have had to perform.

Now drawing from my personal experience with this, I will first highlight a more distant trial to me. My first year of law school was very difficult for me. I moved 3000 miles from home where I had no friends or close family. I took a full time job to pay my bills and went to school each night after work.

At work I was in an office by myself all day. At school I sat and listened to a lecture with 150 other students for 3-4 hours. Then I went home and studied alone in my room for another 3 hours or so before calling my mom or Jon and then crying my lonely self to sleep. Each Saturday I spent studying and doing any other necessities like grocery shopping. Each Sunday I dedicated to church. I taught seminary during sunday school and either relief society or primary during the third hour. I did all my preparation for this on Sundays. 

I knew I was supposed to go to law school. I knew I was supposed to go to Georgetown to law school. I felt I was following the Lord's plan for me, even though it was not what I would have chosen for myself. It was incredibly exhausting and hard to keep that schedule every day. 

I did not get straight A's. I was not the top of my class. But I was also not the bottom. I did about average. One night as I went to class a classmate asked me if I was ready for our moot court presentations. I was stunned. That was tonight??? I wasn't even half done preparing. I thought it was in a few weeks. 

I skipped my first class and went to my dorm and got on my knees. I poured out my heart in a desperate prayer. I was totally unprepared. I had done some research but had not pulled my arguments together. I had to present my argument before a panel of judges who would try to rip them apart in an hour. My only hope was the Lord.

I gathered my research papers, looked them over, and headed for the courthouse. The judges ripped apart each of the people who proceeded me. The teacher then harshly critiqued their presentation. I got up to take my turn knowing there was nothing I could do more.

Within a few sentences of my argument the judges started interrupting to question me on the things like the standard of review. I didn't even remember what "standard of review" meant. I didn't know the different standards of review. I only knew that one of them was strict scrutiny. So that is what I said. Then I continued with my argument. The judges seemed to listen more than question after that. The teacher had nothing ill to say to me in my review. 

During a break after my turn one of the judges came to me and asked if the standard of review was really strict scrutiny. I said, "I have no idea. I didn't know so I just guessed." The judge laughed and said it was not the right answer but that I had said it with such confidence that it made her think she must be wrong. I ended up scoring very well in this assignment. 

The point was that it was totally the Lord helping me through this that allowed me to survive this experience that night and the sum of all those nights that very lonely first year.

In my current trial -- well this is a new level of hard for me. Those first days in the hospital ... I sat in the consolation room saying over and over through my sobs "I can't do this. I just can't do this." How could I still be breathing when she was not? How could my heart still be beating? There was an enormous hole right through my middle. Was there even a heart still in there? If so it had to be broken beyond repair. 

I would look at myself in the hospital bathroom just to verify that I still was there. Somehow I still existed. Somehow I was still living even while the sweetest part of me lay dying down the hall. This trial was more than I could handle. It just was. I knew it. And the Lord knew it. That is why he sent my family all around me to help bear me up. That is why he poured his Spirit out to me and Jon as we knelt in fasting prayer every hour in that hospital.

I did not feel at that time that I was surviving well and "coming through with flying colors." When my family would say, "we are worried about you," I would reply, "So am I."  I was just surviving hour by hour, day by day. And in our darkest hours that is sometimes all we can do. And sometimes that is enough.

When we must pull ourselves up to the greater task (like me giving that presentation unprepared or speaking at my daughters funeral or having to make the decision to turn off the life support machines and hold her as the last bit of life slipped from her body) well then the Lord is there for us. He makes us strong enough to bare the task. He holds us up because we have turned to Him.

This is why it is so important to daily be striving to follow the Lord and seeking Him out. So that in the hour when we need Him most, we remember to turn to Him and He knows us and knows that we have been doing our part to do His will and be faithful. Then we more readily receive that help we so desperately need. We do not have to doubt in our own minds our worthiness because we have been doing all we can to live worthy.

I hope always to live my life in such worthiness. To never feel that I am not trying my best. I don't expect perfection from myself. But I know personally whether I am trying my best or not. I hope always to be prepared so that I may with a clean conscious go to the Lord for help when I need it and not feel unworthy of receiving that help.

So to the Anon commenter, I hope you will turn your heart as fully as you can to the Savior and find in Him the help you need to fulfill your daily trying tasks. You need not be a perfect mother. Just do your very best. It is okay if their hair doesn't get combed and the house doesn't get picked up every single day. 

Just tire yourself out doing your best. In so doing, I hope you find the Lord is your partner in raising your children and in the critical moments He will help you be the mother you must be to them. He will inspire you in how to teach and train them in all the important things. And he will send either a friend or the Comforter to be with you in the lonely hours. 

Make Him your full partner and truly there will be nothing in this life that the two of you can't handle together.

The World in Sabrina's Eyes

Sabrina brought home her report on the Earth last week. She was excited to share it with our family. I posted it on her blog for her but wanted to share it here too.

The Earth

by 

Sabrina Waite

To: My Family

This is the world. We live in the world. I love the world! I live in America in Nevada. I live in the city of Henderson. I live with my mom and dad. I have two sisters. I had three but my third died when she was 14 months. I miss her. She drown in a hot tub. her name was Camille. She had blond hair and blue eyes. OK back to the world. The world has gems in it. I like the ruby. The world is made of rocks and water.

I love the Earth.

I often wonder how my children are coping with the loss of their little sister. We talk about Camille often and occasionally I ask them how they are feeling about it. Friday I asked Sabrina and Ann Marie if they ever get mad that Camille isn't here with us any more. Sabrina said she mostly just forgets about Camille so she doesn't have to cry. It is easier to forget. Annie said she mostly just forgets too and just doesn't think about Camille so much. 

As much as I want them to remember their little sister, I completely understand their strategy for dealing with her absence. I hope they can forget so many things about this time in our lives. I hope they can forget the details of that dreadful day. I hope they forget the pain and sorrow.

But Sabrina's report just showed me that they still remember their sister. I hope they will always remember her. I hope they remember how much they adored her. I hope they remember how much she loved them. I want them to remember the kisses she gave them and how she would follow them around through the house. I want Sabrina to remember how Camilles toes would curl around Sabrina's body as Sabrina held Camille on her hip. I want them to remember Camille calling out to them to share whatever they were eating. I want them to remember how excited she would get when they would sneak into her room to see if she was awake. 

Perhaps it is still too hard to remember these things and so many others right now. But someday, when time has distanced the pain, I hope they can remember Camille with a smile and feel of her still constant love.

Praying for Haylee

One of my most devoted reader/commenters who has inspired a few posts from me has asked for a favor. Having a small insight into how she must feel, at least about her fears for her daughters future, I wanted to highlight her request for all of you.

One of the most profound lessons I learned in this trial was the very real and physical effect of having thousands of prayers. I had felt the power of a mother's prayer before. I knew the power of a father's blessing. But I had never had literally thousands of people praying for me like that before. 

I felt carried and lifted by those thousands of prayers from family, friends, and strangers of varied faiths. I felt wrapped in a cocoon of faith and angels. In those early months, I absolutely needed that. I don't know how I would have survived without all those prayers and the power they produced in my life.

Tonight my friend Kathryn_M needs prayers for her daughter. Here is what she shared in her last comment:

My dear, sweet daughter who, at 22 years old, faces more health struggles than most will in a life time - she has autism, tourette's syndrome, ploycystic ovarian syndrome, mental health issues (most likely bi-polar) and epilepsy -- has me very worried.

This morning, she had a very bad seizure and stopped breathing. Her father had just left to visit his 91 year old father. I managed to get and keep her airway patent and get some ativan inside her cheek ... all the while thinking of Jett Travolta.

She is resting now. I will go lie with her but wanted to ask you and your readers to please keep this precious and so very special young lady in your prayers. Her name is Haylee.

My heart physically hurts for all she must endure and I am so frightened about what will happen after me and her Dad are gone or can no longer able to provide the supports she so desparately needs.

with love and thanks,

kathryn_m

So today I am sending prayers your way Haylee and Kathryn. May you feel of their power and know you are never alone.

The Moral of the Story

Our trip to Mexico was a reward for the kids for finishing the Book of Mormon. We figured since we had read a record of Ancient Americans, we could go to some of the ruins left behind by such civilizations. 

While we were in Mexico we visited the ruins at Chichen Itza. These date back to about 480 A.D. or just after the Book of Mormon finishes. The girls loved seeing all the buildings, the ball court, and the pillars everywhere. We decided against a guided tour here. We had one in Tulum and the girls hated it. They don't have the patience to stand and listen to what everything carved on the buildings means. 

So instead I made up my own "interpretations" of the ruins. In one spot I suggested that perhaps it was the swimming pool. In another Sabrina was sure it was a house with 3 bedrooms. I have been to Chichen Itza twice before with guides so I know what many of the ruins are anyway. I was able to share what I knew in a kid friendly way.

We took the kids to the Cenote, or sink whole, where the Mayans threw their sacrificed people. There were over 70 skeletons pulled out of this water hole back in the 70s. They were mostly children and young men. As we taught the kids about all these gory customs, we related them to what we learned from reading the Book of Mormon last year.

The main moral of the trip was, if you are wicked like the people who lived there sacrificing people, you get destroyed. Then you no longer have cities thriving but ruins rotting. So if you are wicked you get "ruined."

One Room at a Time

Well I am back to real life again. It has a busy reentry. Leaving on a big trip is always stressful and I left without having the energy to leave the house clean. Now that I am back I am trying to put my house back in order. I have decided to take it one room at a time. 

Yesterday I conquered my bedroom and bathroom. The bedroom would have been pretty easy except for all the luggage that had to be unpacked. The bathroom was sorely needing a deep scouring. It took me all morning but I did get it finished.

It felt great to get this goal finished and feel like I had created a beautiful space for myself again. It reminded me of how important it is to create everyday as a mother. Creating brings a sense of accomplishment and moving forward. As mothers we create every day but many of our creations are so slow in the making that it is hard to see the progress. Maybe that is the value in housework. I guess I just wish sometimes that things wouldn't follow the laws of entropy and revert to a state of disorder.

Well, I guess I am off to create a dinner and then a clean kitchen again. Tomorrow I will have to tackle the hallway. I know. You wouldn't think the hallway would be a big job. But my kids have "cleaned" Lauren's room to make it into a venue for their "rock concert." I think ALL the stuffed animals in our house are lined up as an audience. Everything that used to be in Lauren's room is now in the hallway. So tonight the rock concert, tomorrow the hallway. 

We can not run faster that our legs will take us. We must tackle the messes of life one room at a time.

"Family in Hammocks" Journal Entry 1-24-09

Swaying in a hammock with the sound of the gentle breeze rustling through the palms overhead and the waves crashing on the hurricane eroded beach, I am at total peace. Lauren is in my lap soundly snoring with my sweater wrapped all around her salty wet, sandy clothes. The sun sets slowly as we sway. Next to us Sabrina and Ann Marie play games swinging the hammocks high and trying to catch each other. Dad watches them play from a hammock of his own. Somehow this beautiful place with its aqua turquesa can be such a place of peace and serenity.

I have taken a thousand mental photographs this week with my little family in the Mexican Riviera. I wish I could bottle these moments to be opened and enjoyed later again and again. But one thing this trip has taught me is that you really can never go back. I spent time here 15 years ago. It was a wonderful summer living down here experiencing new things and amazing culture. I visited some of the most naturally beautiful places I have ever seen. I have tried to find one of them this trip. But hurricanes and increased tourism traffic have changed the place. It is no longer the incredible, unforgettable, paradisaical place it was in my treasured memories. Still, the area is amazing. It is just not the same as it once was 15 years ago.

Thus, I am savoring this time with my young children here. We could say, “well that would have been more fun with teenagers.” But, I will not say that. It will not be the same trip when they are teenagers. They will not count how many iguanas they see in the water park. They will not chase the waves and run from them as they crash on the shore. They will not be amazed by every bug or so thrilled by free ice cream at the buffet. They will appreciate other things. We will never have this time with them again. We can never go back.

So tonight, I am savoring the now, just as I did 15 years ago as a college girl. I savored the experience I had then and the memories of it still are sweet to me. Tonight I am soaking in the present so that tomorrow I can recall those mental photographs with joy and bring again to my soul the stillness and tranquility of swaying in a hammock with a baby in my belly and a little wonder of a girl sleeping soundly on her soon to be brother with all her family close at hand.

Viva Mexico!

We returned very late last night from an 8 day adventure to Cancun, Mexico. We took the girls with us and spent a week in the sun, surf, and ancient culture of the Mexican Riviera. This was Jon and the girls first trip to Mexico. I spent a summer there in college. 

Okay, I know Jon is going to tell me, "Hey you wrote on your post that this was my first trip to Mexico but I had been there before!" But really he had only been to TJ. I don't count that. It is practically California. 

In any case, I have been off the internet for about a week, but I have managed to catch up on my emails now. I wrote a journal entry one night there in Mexico about our trip that I will share in my post tomorrow. Tonight I just want to go to bed. :) I still am a bit jet lagged after the long day of traveling yesterday.

But I will share the best part of our trip before I finish my day's work and get the kids tucked in and then soak my growing body in a nice bath and get in bed. For me, the best part of our trip was finally feeling a sense of peace and joy unhindered by grief. It is said that we must know the bitter to enjoy the sweet. This, however, has become a puzzle for me in trying to find my way to joy through this grief. 

It has seemed that every joy is tainted with the pain of grief because the loss is so permanent. When the bitter is still in your mouth it is hard to fully enjoy the sweet before you. This trip, being in so far away a place, revisiting places I had been before as a single adult, I somehow was able to almost totally leave my grief at home. I only had one or two moments of ache the whole trip. The rest was pure enjoyment.

The best part of my trip was just that -- a taste of pure enjoyment.