It Happens to us All at Least Once

If you have little girls or if you ever were a little girl, chances are you have at some point seen the effects of playing beauty shop with real scissors. The other night Jon brought Lauren downstairs. In his hand were kid school scissors and the hair above.

She had cut all the hair in front of her ear on one side of her head to about ear length. Pretty sad for a girl who has been begging me to make her hair long like Annie's so she can have a big braid. This is the second time we have had unauthorized hair cutting in this family. The last time was before Lauren had hair.

Last time Sabrina put a dish towel around Annie, who was then about 3 and gave her a nightmare hair cut with a few random one inch long pieces. Then she cut her own hair to her chin in the front. That time I lost it. I cried and cried. I was so sad to see my little girls with their lovely hair so butchered and have to be cut so short.

This time I was far less devastated. The girls hair cuts before ended up being really cute thanks to the magic of Aunt Carolyn's wonderful hair cutting skills. I hoped Lauren's would be equally as fixable.

But in an effort to scare her enough not to have her cut any more hair, I did lay on the "how sad, now we will have to cut off all your hair" drama pretty thick. I think it did the trick. Lauren spent much of the 2 days before we actually got her hair cut locking herself in Noble's room hiding. She didn't want me to find her and take her to get her hair cut.

We did eventually get it cut and I think we ALL are pleased with the outcome. Thanks to my friend Cairen for coming to our rescue with her expert hair cutting skills.

Here is the after picture. I forgot to take the photo of her before. Whoops.

I just love this pose.

My little Lauren is a cute girl with long or short hair. Though she will have to wait some time before we are going to be able to do any big braids for her. Till then she will just have to look cute with her short hair cut.

I'm Not Going to Let You Win!

Sometimes I feel it -- the pressure, the heat from the battle. There is a continual onslaught of negative thoughts playing rounds in my head. Most of the time I can ignore them with the business of the day. In quiet moments they are harder to tune out.

I remind myself of all the answers I have come up with these last 13 months. I repeat to myself the same lines I have told myself a hundred thousand times before. I know my answers are good. They are both logically sound and I have felt their validity spiritually. I know my answers are true and good. But still the record spins it rounds of failure and despair in my head. And sometimes I hear it and feel it -- the pressure and the wearing down from this battle within.

I know these voices. I know who authors them. He wants me to be miserable. He wants me to give up. He wants me to drown myself in them. And he is relentless in his efforts.

And so must I be in mine. And so I say aloud so he can hear and know, "I'm not going to let you win. You will not win. I'm not going to let you win." And with those word I deliver a battle turning blow. The voices grow quieter and my own truth gains ground.

I will never cease to fight, thought I tire in the battle. I have warrior blood running through my veins. I will forge on day by day and in the end I will win. If for no other reason than to keep him from winning instead.

Playing with PhotoBooth

This morning Noble was fussing a little so I turned on Photo Booth to see if he would like seeing himself. We took a few pictures and even though I am in my pjs and glasses, I liked how cute Lauren and Noble looked in some of them. So here is a bit of our fun from this morning.

It started out just the two of us. One of us is feeling a bit grumpy.

Grumpy kinda liked seeing the picture of himself and cheered up a little.

Then silly came along and joined in the fun.

Then silly gave us a smile too.

I love those blue of my baby boy. They so often remind me of my sweet girl. Funny though how even though my kids look similar as babies each has his or her own "spirit" about them that is unique and totally identifiable.

Someone once asked me how I know when I feel Camille near me. I think each person's spirit has its own feel. It is what makes me know which of my identical twin brother I am talking to on the phone or which of them it is when I see them together. They may look identical but their spirits are so different and each has a different sense or feel to him.

I can't always tell my identical twin nephews apart. But that is because I am not around them enough to KNOW the feel of their Spirit. It is familiarity that helps us KNOW the feel of our family members so well. Sometimes I look into Noble's eyes which look so like Camille's eyes to try to see a bit of her. But Noble's spirit shines so brightly through his eyes that there is no mistaking who I am looking at.

That is how it is now with Camille. I can't see or hear her now. But I can still feel the sense of her at times and that makes me think she must be near.

Wanting

When I was single I used to have this quote up on my wall. I am not sure who made it up. But it totally fit my life.

"Men I want don't want me.

Men I don't want think I am 'the one.'

Men I think are 'the one' act as if I am not there.

Men I treat as if they are not there want me.

If I could be anyone I wanted to be,

I'd be one of the women who doesn't wants the men who want the women who aren't me."

It seems for some of us it is innate to always want what we can't have. It was true of me in my dating life. It is true now because lately I have REALLY been wanting a bit of this:

Camille Kathleen Waite

In an effort to combat my "wanting" I have been reminding myself of something a speaker at Time Out for Women said last year. I think it is applicable to lots of situations so I thought I would share.

The speaker, whose name I can't remember, talked about the Garden of Eden. It was a garden full of flowers trees and fruit. The Lord told Adam and Eve that they could eat freely of ALL the trees in the Garden --- ALL except for ONE. There was only ONE tree that He told them not to eat from. They could FREELY eat from ALL the others.

The speaker related this to how often we have similar circumstances in our lives. We are given SO much from the Lord and yet often there is ONE (or maybe a few or several) thing(s) that we are not able to enjoy fully here. The speakers message was to try to focus on all the trees we are able to eat from instead of focusing on the one we are forbidden.

That is easier said than done for those of us with this nature of always wanting what we can't have. But it is something I have spent the last year REALLY trying to do. And I have found much success in my efforts. I know I appreciate my living children more fully than before. And it gives me something to refocus my thoughts and my heart when the missing and wanting get too intense.

Really this life is not the time that we get to enjoy all the fruit. There must be some withheld so that we can know the bitter. And it is in the next life that we will fully appreciate the sweet that will then be ours without reservation or restriction.

What A Wife Can Do

Someone asked the following question in a comment:

what are some of the things that you do as a wife to make your marriage strong? I am looking for not necessary new ideas, but maybe some better ones to strengthen our marriage, or at least my part. Any thoughts?

I think a strong marriage is the key to a strong family and strong families make great communities. So I thought I would throw my thoughts on this subject out there and invite comments from others on the subject. I think there is a lot to be gained from brainstorming ideas to make any marriage better. So if you have a tip that works for you, leave it in a comment.

First I think for those marriages in serious trouble (like you or your spouse is seriously thinking about ending the relationship), you should go to counseling. If your loved one was sick and dying you would surely take them to a doctor to try to save them. You would do whatever you could to save their life. We ought to think of our "marriage" as a loved one and if it is seriously ill and dying we ought to make every effort possible to save it. Going to a professional "marriage doctor" is one of those things we ought to do. And finding the right therapist is also important. I haven't ever done counseling but I have friends whose marriages have been saved by counseling.

Okay for those whose marriages are not on life support but may be feeling a bit "under the weather" or for those of us whose marriages are quite healthy but would still appreciate any boost to fortify our "immune system," I will share a few tips I find help from the wifely perspective.

I think one tip that helps me is trying to see things from my husbands point of view. This helps me be more understanding of his frustrations with me and helps me be a better "helpmeet" to him. For example, my husband works a lot. Often he puts in 16 hour days. His job is highly stressful. He does all this for us. He needs time when he doesn't have to "work" at his job or at mine. So I try to be understanding and uncomplaining and even supportive of the time he takes out of his day to workout or play the Wii with the kids, or watch some sports thing on TV.

We have talked recently about how important it is to take an interest in things that mean a lot to the other even if we are not interested in it. So I will watch some sport thing with him just to have us doing things and enjoying experiences TOGETHER. He on the other hand has even watched one or two dances on my favorite show with me.

I think it is important to pray earnestly for your spouse both in private and out loud where your spouse can hear.

We also need to be supportive of our husbands in overcoming their weaknesses. This does not mean nagging them. No this means being understanding that they are human with faults just like us. And it means forgiving without the nagging when they screw up. They ALL screw up. Every husband has a fault. Every husband screws up once in a while. If your spouse knows he is screwing up we don't need to harp on it. We need to forgive and help them find tools to be better.

One of the best pieces of advice the man who married us gave us was "it is more important to have peace in the home than to be right." I like being right. Most of the time I am pretty sure that I am right (even if I am wrong). Jon is the same this way. So there are LOTS of times that I let unimportant things go that I KNOW I am right about and he is wrong about. Normally I would prove my point. I am an attorney after all. But in our marriage I often hear that advice in my head and ask myself how important it is for me to prove that I am right. 99% of the time it just isn't that important and I let the subject drop and let Jonathan think he is right.

Little things go a long way in marriage. I try to do little things to "exceed expectations" every once in a while. Sometimes I will do one of the jobs that Jonathan usually does around the house.

The last thing I will put out there is perhaps one of the most important. How shall I put this? Hmm. I am trying to be careful here because I don't know the ages of everyone reading. But I will say that being available to your husband when he needs (or just wants) you physically is probably one of the most effective things a wife can do to help her marriage.

Okay the forum is open for your tips. Sorry this isn't so well put together. I just don't have the editing time I once did. I am looking forward to great tips in the comments:

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So You Think You Can Dance Fans who know me well enough to know where I live, come watch the 99th episode tonight with us. We start the show promptly at 9 pm. My sister in law Elizabeth was there for the taping and will be on camera lots since she was right in front of the judges. She said the second half of the show was AMAZING and one number had everyone in the audience in tears by the end. I can't wait!

Storms Moving In

I love a good storm. Las Vegas is usually good for a few good storms in the late summer months. We have been watching lighting storms for about 48 hours now. Still no rain at our house. But I can feel it coming. It is in the air. I wait for it with anticipation. The oppressing heat and humidity will be relieved when the rain falls.

I can see the rain falling on the horizon, out in the desert, somewhere. It is out there quenching some other creatures thirst. They are feeling the relief of its fury. From here I can only watch as God's hands sweeps over the clouds and lightly brushes them down to the earth. From here I watch and wait. I wait for my turn to feel the rain on my face.

I imagine it is always storming on someone somewhere on this rock we call Earth. I am more aware of that now than before. In every crowd I see, I wonder how many of these people are weathering their own personal storms. How many are longing for a break and a bit of sun? How many need the rain to fall again to release the pressure of their own personal pain? How must our Father feel knowing the hearts of us all?

Beating the Vegas Heat

Summer is in full swing here and we have been feeling the heat. Our last free day before going back to school we spent with cousins beating the heat at a local splash park.

I love how quickly these parks cool you off. We brought a bunch of cups and let the kids put the cups over the sprayers. When the water fountain turned the sprayer on the cups would go flying. It makes for great fun for everyone.

But eventually some of us got cold from the water and tired from playing. Here is Lauren above snuggled in her bunny towel and warming herself in the sun.

When we went to leave I realized I had locked my keys in the car. So we laid the towels all out in a row and warmed up in the sun while we waited for my sister to come with the extra set of keys.

While we were at this splash park I couldn't help remembering coming here a year ago with my two sister in laws and their kids. It was the first time after Camille's death that I felt joy again. I was so desperate to feel joy again. I wondered if I would ever laugh again. That day I did laugh and I did feel joy. It was like enjoying a cool breeze after spending weeks in unbearably oppressive heat.

I do not have to work so hard to find joy in my life now. It is no longer the struggle to breath and eat that it was back then. The burden of the grief is still on my shoulders, and there are times that I struggle under its weight. But it is so much more bearable than it was then. For that and for the return of joy to my life I am grateful.

Birthday Girl Lauren

This was my three year old little girl. It is with mixed emotions that I have spent this week with her declaring herself "Birthday Girl Lauren." She was excited all week about her birthday and has decided to remain "Birthday Girl Lauren," as she has taken to calling herself, indefinitely. I on the other hand have had a rough time seeing her turn four. Suddenly she became my baby girl and now she is growing up --- fast.

I will admit it has been a harder week for me. I have had some rough nights missing the girl who is supposed to be my baby girl but is not here for me to squeeze and love and dress up. But in the light of day I have held it together and we have celebrated for Lauren. She has been feeling her oats and trying to use the "birthday girl" status to take over the world (or at least to try to control everything and everyone in her world.)

We held a birthday party for her complete with Arial cake made by my baker friend and neighbor.

Thanks Jeni!

Oh and there were friends and cousins and candles to blow out of course.

And we can forget presents and party games (6 games in all and that was after we narrowed her list of games she wanted to play down.)

We had so much fun with her party and we hope all the guests had fun too. I am glad that even though Lauren has turned four she still loves cuddles (note her favorite pjs in the first photo) as much as always because I am always going to love giving them to her.

A Good FHE on the Fly

Last night we gathered the kids for Family Home Evening. Neither Jon or I had prepared anything though we had been tossing ideas around for a while. I wanted to make some muffins. And my parents were planning to come over later in the evening. We needed to get our lesson in there somewhere.

So I stole the "recipe=scriptures" object lesson from our young women's lesson on Sunday by Sis. Clark and gathered the family to make muffins. We talked about "following the instructions" when we make a recipe. I asked them how hard it would be to make muffins without a recipe. We decided instructions were pretty important.

Then I asked them if Heavenly Father had given us instructions for how to live and return home and if so where we could find them. This brought us to the scriptures. The muffins were easy to make and quickly in the oven. We then turned to read Heavenly Father's instructions.

I had the girls turn to Matthew where the Savior talks about being hungry and you fed me etc... and when you do it to the least of these my brethern you have done it unto me. I was thinking we could "follow" these instructions and give some muffins to my "hungry" parents.

What I did not remember was the first part of that scripture. It starts in Matthew 25:31-33:

"When the Son of man shall come in his glory and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory: And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats: And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left."

First I asked the girls which "angel" did we know that would be coming with the Savior in his glory. Camille of course. Then we talked about how the sheep will be on the right or the good side of the Lord with Camille and the goats will be on the left or the not so good side of the Lord.

Then I asked the girls what the difference was between a goat and a sheep. (Now I will admit that I am not farm girl and frankly I don't know for sure what the difference is but I think my answer was right and it definitely fit my needs for the "child obedience training" in which we are seemingly permanently engaged.)

I told the girls that a sheep comes when the shepherd calls it and the goat doesn't. The goat has to be prodded to get it to obey. I asked them whether they wanted to be sheep or goats. Everyone wanted to be sheep. Hallelujah! Then I told them I would be watching all week to see who would be the fastest sheep when they were called. Everyone wanted to be the fastest sheep.

All day today I have been asking the girls, "Can you be a fast sheep? Are you a slow sheep or a goat that needs prodding?" And I have been able to give some good praise and have needed very little prodding. That makes for a pretty great day in my book.

So yet another way to teach obedience presented itself. At the end the girls saw that the Lord gave us instructions in the scriptures and the instructions said to "be obedient and serve others," as Sabrina put it. I think that sums it up nicely.

Sabrina in her new glasses.

Lauren and Noble rocking in the background.

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So You Think You Can Dance Party at my house tomorrow night. We are starting the show promptly at 9:00 p.m. and I am need to be in bed by 10:30. Looking forward to it!

Overwhelmed

Do you ever have those moments when you feel so overwhelmed you feel paralyzed? I had one of those this evening. I get them every once in a while. I know they will pass and somehow I will get through things but in the moment I just feel totally unable to even begin all the work in front of me.

Tonight, with the baby finally taking a nap, I looked around my dirty house while thoughts of the thousand things I need to do were nagging at my mind and in my overwhelmed state of mind I laid down and fell asleep. It was only a 20 minute nap. The children needed mom for this or that so my nap could not last long. But when I woke the kitchen was clean. Bless my husband!

This is one of those parts of motherhood you never fully understand until you live it. It is the part where you haven't slept for a stretch lasting longer than 3 hours in months and the stress of house, a high maintenance baby who requires near constant holding, school, lessons, birthday parties, bills, menu planning, teeth brushing, doctor appointments, thank you note writing, child obedience training, finding lost things, etc... all come crashing around in your consciousness and completely take you down. That was me ... tonight.

At least I have been there often enough to know it won't last and somehow the lessons will be taught, the house will get clean, the birthday party will "come to pass," food will get eaten, teeth will get brushed, and somehow some day sleep will one day last longer than 3 hours and the baby will be happy to sit and play with a toy on his own ... someday.

Our "summer" is over as the kids head back to school tomorrow. I will miss their help. I will miss them. But the return of routine will be welcome to me.

And NOW that I have spent my "alone time" minutes here with you I think I will go head to bed for my 2 hour stint of sleep. :)

Blog Security

Someone asked about my take on the "public or private" debate about blogs and what is safe to put on a blog. I think there are somethings I would definitely not put up but for many things it all comes down to your own level of paranoia.

Before I started this blog, my main argument for not blogging was not wanting so much of my personal information out there for the world to see. There are still some things I keep from appearing on my blog like my exact location and kids' school and social security number, etc. :) But since I felt inspired to start this blog and because of the benefits I have received from it being so public I feel comfortable with keeping it public.

Personally I feel like if people REALLY want to find YOU and your personal information, they can. A blog divulging your life just makes it lots easier. Still I try by not putting up information that could be used to steal our identity or stock us. Sometimes Jon wishes I would put up less information, fewer pictures of the girls, etc. But I do want this also to serve as my record of our life at this time and I do want to slurp it into a book soon, so I try to include as much as I can that I think is safe.

It is a personal decision for everyone. If you are worried about it, go private. Just know that fewer people will read your blog because you can't read private blogs on Google Reader or other subscription services. If you go public you can reach far more people and make new friends like I have.

I have especially been benefitted to know that some of what I have written has helped or inspired others who I don't even know and somehow stumbled across my blog. I like to think perhaps Camille leads people here who need to hear something I have written. Either way it gives purpose to our senseless loss and that is one of the few things that really eases the pain of the loss for me. It is easier to think her death has had a real positive impact on people. My own pain is worth it if enough good can come from it. I just hope and pray for the impact she has had on people, myself included, will be a lasting one.

Good luck in your decision to do public or private.

Go Check Out the News!

My sister is holding special portfolio building priced photography sessions in the next month or so. Go check out her blog on the side bar for full details.

Also go check out Sabrina's blog. She has big news to share.

I will give you a hint... She definitely has her parents eyes.

A Step Back

A little more than 2 years ago

Tonight my mother heart is aching and I just need to get a bit of the ache out here on paper and out of my core. Sometimes this grieving thing is like taking two or three steps forward and then a giant step back. I have felt that today. I am not sure if it is the time of year or just because it has been a while and the grief barometer is on the rise. Whatever it is, I have been feeling like I am floating lost in a jumble of emotions and I am struggling to stay emotionally and psychologically anchored by hope, joy, and gratitude.

I walked into Sabrina and Ann Marie’s room tonight to see if they were asleep and there was Ann Marie snuggled up to Sabrina in Sabrina’s bed. She was scared she might have a nightmare so she snuggled up with her big sister. It was so cute and heart warming.

A scene like the one I saw tonight but taken last year.

Then I heard Lauren awake – and alone – in her room. A wave of sadness hit me, sadness for her. She was supposed to have a roommate too. She was not supposed to have to be the odd man out.

I went into Lauren’s room and laid by her side and snuggled her. I will be trying my whole life to be the buddy she lost. I told her I was sorry she didn’t have a roommate. She said “Camille is mine.” Yes. She is.

Later in my own room I realized how there is no place in this house anymore that is “Camille’s” place. Before Noble was born I could go in the nursery and feel the heaviness of her absence. That was her room.

Now it is his room. It is full of boy things. It no longer feels like her room. And yet she never lived and slept and played in Lauren’s room so even though it would have been her room now it doesn’t feel like her room.

Suddenly I miss having a room just for her – a room where I can go and feel the density of the loss and the closeness of her presence. Now there is but a room in my heart – an empty room filled with memories and joy and aching.

Source of Inspiration

Someone asked where I would go other than Heavenly Father and the scriptures if I wanted to find direction in my life. I think I basically got that right? Here are my thoughts on that:

I have found "inspiration" in countless places over my lifetime. The trick is that inspiration can come at any time or as we are engaged in almost any good activity. Heavenly Father just makes our minds light up when we find or think of the direction that is right.

One thing I think is fairly essential to finding direction is lots of pondering time. We must be exploring to find the possibilities before us but we must also take time to really ponder the options and feel out which one is the best option.

That said, I will give you some concrete examples of places I regularly go in my "study it out" phase of trying to find answers. Like my last post noted, I always start with the scriptures. I have often found very direct answers there. But sometimes I do not find a clear enough answer there.

Another source for me is LDS.org. This site has all the conference talks by our modern day prophets on it. Many times I can find answers in a conference talk that seem more direct than the scriptures can be on more modern subjects.

Other people can also be very helpful. Some people have a gift for giving good advice. Some people have a stewardship to advise us. I often just have a feeling that I need to talk to a specific person and then when I do I find their advice just what I needed to hear. I talk almost everything out with my husband. I have gone to bishops and branch presidents before. I have also gone to friends with certain issues that I think they will best be able to relate to and understand. And countless times I have gone to my parents.

No matter who you go to, the key is to listen with your heart as you talk about your questions or options. Heavenly Father will let you know in your heart with that peace and light feeling when something you or they say is the way to go. Ultimately, whether your answer comes reading the scriptures, pondering alone, or talking to someone, it is the Spirit that lights up the answer and makes otherwise meaningless thoughts or words become inspiration.

I love the scripture in 2 Nephi 32:2-3 where we are reminded that after we have received the Holy Ghost we can speak with the tongue of angels. Nephi continues "And now, how could ye speak with the tongue of angels save it were by the Holy Ghost? Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ. Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do."

I had always read that verse to mean the scriptures will tell you all things. But one time a few years ago I read it more carefully in context and saw that the "words of Christ" are found not only in the scriptures but in our own mouths and the mouths of those who speak by the power of the Holy Ghost. So we can find the words of Christ that tell us what we should do any time the Spirit directs the words to our hearts.

In this way, the scriptures can take on different meanings to answer our questions and we can find inspiration in advice from others or even in our own talking things out.

There are numerous life examples of this floating through my mind right now. Too many to share tonight. But a brief summary may do. I have found answers to "who gets the last mini box of fruit loops, mom" in the scriptures.

I went to law school instead of journalism school based on advice from my parents and my grandfather. Only later did I realize that this was the better choice for me.

I navigated my "friendship" with Jonathan when I liked him and he did not like me with help from the advice of a branch president. I felt inspired that he was the one to talk to and boy was he ever. Little did I know he was a marriage and family therapist.

I was inspired to start this blog sitting in my bathtub pondering early one morning about what I wanted to do with my life beyond mothering. Who knew it would be such a blessing and life line to me in so short a time? God did. That's why he inspired me to start it. I only hope some of what I have written has been helpful or even "inspiring" to you too.

May the Lord bless each of you in finding whatever answers you are seeking. Perhaps my sweet Camille helps a bit in that angel's errand now.

Inspiration

Every once in a while I get a bit of mothering inspiration. It doesn't happen as often as I would like it to. I have been praying for it to happen more often. I am hoping that by acting quickly on these moments of inspiration they will come more frequently. Or at least as frequently as I am able to act effectively on them. We all must progress line upon line, one step at a time, after all.

Yesterday as we were driving home I was thinking about testimonies. In our church the first Sunday of each month, members of the congregation are invited to stand and bear witness of the things pertaining to the gospel that they know to be true and to tell about how they came to that knowledge or how that belief was strengthened. We call this a "testimony meeting."

During yesterday's testimony meeting I was explaining what a testimony is to Sabrina and asking about her testimony. After our brief conversation I started thinking about how I could help Sabrina have opportunities to feel the Spirit on her own and further develop her own testimony apart from mine.

Now, I work with the teenage girls at church and I know how they can find and develop their testimonies. I firmly believe that these girls must read, study, and ponder the scriptures on their own to get a solid testimony. God so often speaks to us through the scriptures or while we are reading them. The hardest part for the girls is getting in the habit of reading and pondering the scriptures daily. Isn't it really for most of us?

So on my drive home yesterday I had a bit of motherhood inspiration. My girls may be young and often they don't understand all that the scriptures are saying when they read the verses, but they can read them. I felt that little nudge tell me to help them start this habit of daily scripture reading now. Just like I help them get in the habit of saying their prayers.

So today I told them that before they do their regular nightly reading in bed I wanted them to read at least 5 verses of scripture. I told them they could talk about what they read with each other or with me but I wanted them to read the verses on their own first.

Tonight we had such a sweet spirit in their room while they each read their scriptures. I let them pick where they wanted to read. Sabrina read all the Articles of Faith (that is 13 verses of our basic beliefs) and then she read 4 verses about baptism and the covenant we make when we are baptized. She got those verses from a booklet she was given after she was baptized called "Faith in God."

Ann Marie wanted to read the story in the Book of Mormon that she spoke about in her talk. It is the story of Alma the younger and how he saw an angel as he was going about being wicked and was called to repentance by the angel. She read about 12 verses of that story until Alma faints and is carried to his father by his friends.

I spent time helping each of them understand what they were reading. It was a great night and I plan on making this a habit that will stick in our family. Hopefully by the time they are teenagers, reading their scriptures daily will be so second nature that when they face questions or doubts or temptations or trials they will be able to suck deeply from the well of wisdom contained within the scriptures.

Tomorrow I plan to address a question in a comment about where I would turn other than the scriptures when I had a problem. I don't want the commenter to think I am ignoring the comment. I will get there. But this post shows that clearly I think the scriptures are one of the very best places to go for answers. I would always go prayerfully there first. More on other places I turn for answers tomorrow.

The Great Vacation Weekend

That is what you get when July 4th ends up being on a weekend. Kids are out of school and everyone is already in summer vacation mode so with the three day weekend giving adults an extra day off work it seems nearly all the world travels.

We were no exception. We have traversed the highways and byways of Nevada, Arizona, Utah, and Idaho the past 4 days. We have spent wonderful time out in nature enjoying the cooler weather and rain bursts. I will post later about the main reason for our trip -- a Harris Family Reunion. (Those only happen about once every 10 years.) It was so wonderful to see and reacquaint myself with so many of my cousins. But that is a story for another post when I get the pictures.

Today I just will share a couple photos of the girls and Noble at the farm where the magic all took place.

Here is little Mr. Noble being held so expertly by Aunt Nikki. This is one of the rare "awake and happy" moments so I had to capture it on film. Noble got to know several of my cousins and their kids as he was passed around. And he spent a good 5 hours napping in the basement of the farm with Dado reading a book next to him to keep his ear out for him.

Here are Sabrina and Lauren on the pony that my aunt and uncle brought in to give pony rides. The great looking gentleman holding the horse is my cousin Stephen. He got to know Noble pretty well that day and became one of Lauren's FAVORITES (I told you she has them) as soon as he took her to get rides on the horse. Thanks Stephen!

Here is my brother Stephen with Ann Marie and my cousin Mark's grandson Aiden Diego (his daughter Crystal is just a couple years younger than me and a good friend too).

And here is Lauren as happy as it gets on her first horse ride of the day. Lauren's Aunt Nikki was "driving" this first go round the field. Thanks Aunt Nikki!

Glad to be home tonight. It has been a long day and I have been busy checking mail and messages and getting kids to bed since we got home. I am excited to go up and fall into my own bed. Hopefully little Noble will also feel "at home" and sleep more than 2 hours in a row tonight. Could be wishful thinking but I guess we will see.

Good night!

Dance Review

Brandan and Janette did an awesome Chacha and Mia finally gave Brandan the props he deserves. She is always hardest on the best dancers. He even shed tears to finally get a compliment from her.

The hip hop number by Tab and Nap was good but I found the chain distracting. I was a bit disappointed because of that aspect.

There was a weird Brian Friedman number about an alien trying to procreate with the last man on earth. I kinda liked it but not sure everyone will.

I loved the ballet number by Melissa and Ade. It was worth looking up on youtube.

Evan and Randi I love but I did not love the choreography of their broadway number.

Will be interesting to see who goes home tonight.

So You Think You Can Dance

Party tonight at 8:30. I had the best dream last night that I could dance. looking forward to seeing the show and all the fun ladies here tonight!

Stephanie

Raising Grandma Harris

I don't believe in reincarnation. But if I did I would swear that Lauren was my Grandma Harris. I have no doubt that the two of them were great pals between the time Grandma died in 2002 and Lauren was born in 2005. Sometimes the similarities between these two amaze me.

First off, they have the same eye color and they look similar. See the photos above and below.
Second - Grandma Harris would always say "Suuuuure" when we asked her something like "do you want a little ice cream?" Lauren often answers "Suuure" and in the same tone.

Third - for better or worse, Grandma Harris had favorites. She just favored some grandkids over others. It wasn't that she was mean to the others but it certainly seemed that she just really LOVED some of her grandkids especially a lot. I think I was one of her favorites. For better or worse, Lauren definitely has favorites. Now her favorites do change frequently, which is saving us, but she definitely will prefer one sister over another or one parent over another or one cousin over another on any given day.

Third - Grandma Harris knew how to do everything the "right" way. When my mom married my dad and went to his parents home for the first time she learned that she was stirring the Jello the wrong way. You get my drift?

Lauren also knows the "right" way to do everything and her sisters, dad and I get corrected all the time. This is far more tolerable from a three year old than from a mother in law. Still, I am wondering how to effectively teach or train this trait out of her. We are working on it.

Perhaps the best way Lauren is like Grandma Harris is in her humor. She is the giggliest girl I have ever known. She is the one baby I have ever known to wake up laughing in the morning. Also in the middle of the night if she woke up when she was little, Jon would go rock her back to sleep in his arms. He said that often he would get her almost totally out and then out of no where she would just crack up laughing and wake herself up. She loves to make jokes and be funny. We can almost always get her into a good mood with a little teasing.

Grandma Harris had the most marvelous sense of humor. My mom tells the story of going up to be with my Aunt Shelba when she was in the final stages of ovarian cancer and dying. My mom walked into Aunt Shelba's room and Grandma was in there with her and some others and they were all laughing up a storm. Grandma had the whole room in stitches. My mom resolved then that if she ever found out she was dying, Grandma Harris was the woman she wanted to sit by her side.

I often can almost hear Grandma Harris laughing at me or with me from the other side. She had four girls and then my dad and then 10 years later my uncle. All the time when she was older we would hear her say in exasperation "FOUR girls!!! Four girls I had. Then I got my boy." The 14 months when I was raising my four girls I could hear her voice in my head all the time when I was frustrated or thought I might be going crazy, which was often. Suddenly her words "FOUR girls..." took on a new meaning.

Now I can often hear her saying "then I got my boy." The reason we gave Noble the first name of Morgan is because he is that boy. The boy that came after the FOUR girls. Morgan is my father's name. I wanted Noble always to remember that he has FOUR older sisters just like his Grandfather does.

I love this photo of my grandparents. I love that grandad's arm is around my grandmother. I love that they are both laughing so naturally. This photo shows their real personalities once you strip away the worries and stresses of farming and raising kids and sewing petticoats and baking bread and cleaning house. This is how I imagine them now. Only I imagine Camille laughing along with them. Happy, well kept, free of worry, full of joy.

I hope my little version of Grandma Harris can keep this joy and let her humor continually buoy her up through life. I love my little Lauren. She has cuteness all over her face and she always lights up mine.

Getting back to Life

I feel like I am finally starting to emerge from the newborn cocoon. Noble still is up 3 times a night to eat but at least not I know pretty well how to get him down to sleep. I feel like we are starting to form a schedule. It is nice.

So today I put him down after his morning awake time and headed to Pilates. It is my first time back since about 2 months before having him. Too long. It was pretty sad how much strength I have lost in those 4 months. I did alright - I mean I was sweating and panting and working my bootie off but at least I COULD do the exercises. At least until we got to the abs. hmmm. yeah...

I couldn't even do 1 sit up. Not even 1. It was so sad. But my muscles did get worked out and I am feeling it tonight. I will be working on those abs big time so I can once again do the ab exercises.

I feel worked tonight. It is a good feeling. Work really is a blessing. We don't always like doing it but it makes us feel good to do it and get it done. It is a part of life and a good part. I am glad to be back at it.

Not Alone

In the dimmed light coming from the hall I can faintly see what looks like tears welling in Sabrina's eight year old eyes. We are sitting in the nursery with the lights off. I am rocking seven week old Noble to sleep. He has been fussing and Sabrina and I have been singing to him.

We sang "I Wonder When He Comes Again." I added a verse that I made up on the spot. "I wonder when He comes again will Cami be with him? Will we know her when we see her face? Will we know her by her grin? Will she be small like she once was or will she seem all grown? Will she laugh and smile to see us then and know us as her own. I am sure she'll know we love her so when we see her once again. Because of all the fun we had while she lived with us here at home."

Sabrina tells me she misses Camille. I can hear the tears she is choking back in her throat. It is the second time this week she has been hit by the wave. It has been months - many months - since a wave of grief has hit her before this. I wonder if she can sense the year mark we have just passed.

I ask her if she is okay. She nods. Still the tears threaten to fall. I tell her it is okay if she is not okay. She touches her throat and chokes out in a broken voice, "it hurts." I tell her I know. I miss her too. She is not alone. I have felt everything she is feeling. I feel it now with her. She is not alone.

How can it be that my little girl so tender hearted and young must feel such grief and be familiar enough with it that she, like me, is reluctant to let it out whenever it rushes over her? Isn't she too young for that?

How can it be that I must go to the cemetery to visit my child? Aren't I too young for that?

I ask Sabrina if she has just been thinking more about Camille lately. She says baby Noble reminds her of Camille. Seeing him is like having Camille here but not. I ask her if she wants me to let her cry (I can tell she is on the verge and fighting it) or if she wants me to make her laugh. She giggles a little. I tell her Noble does look somewhat like Camille but Camille was much cuter. She laughs. Noble -- he is too boy looking to be as cute as little Cami. Plus, I tell her, he toots and burps WAY more. He is all boy. She laughs again.

The wave passes and I am left deep in thought with Noble asleep at last in my arms. I feel pained that my child must know such sadness. At the same time, I am grateful that I am not alone in missing my sweet little angel girl. I am sad that Sabrina carries this ache and at the same time happy that she knew her little sister well enough and was old enough to remember her enough to miss her. I wouldn't take that away from her. It is hard now to bear, but it is a pain borne of love that I would not erase if I could.

I think of the times I have been hit by waves over the last year. I see now how I have not been alone. The Savior felt it all before. He feels it with me in the moment. I am not alone -- never alone. I have been carried. I am still often carried.

I hate having to be carried. At the same time I cherish the "knowing" I have gained through this experience. I hate the pain but I would not erase it if I could. It is a pain borne of love. It reminds me of the empty room in my heart that will only be filled when I am with her again. No, it is hard to bear now but I would not erase it. If I must live without her I would not erase the pain. It drives me to live worthy. It makes me more able to fulfill the promise I made at baptism to mourn with those that mourn. It literally makes me more like the Savior. It allows me to let others know that they too are not alone.

None of us, in our diverse aches and pains, in the depths of our forsaken feeling, is alone. He has felt it all before. He feels it with us know. We are not alone.

Ann Marie's Primary Talk

Little children in our church get the opportunity to give talks in front of all the children every once in a while. It is a great experience for them to get used to public speaking and to be able to learn how to think through a church topic and put together a talk on it.

Ann Marie got the assignment to speak today on how repentance and forgiveness strengthen us and our families. She is six years old and a bright kid. So I made her write her own talk. I wanted to see what she would come up with on her own.

At first she just made up a fictional story about repentance and forgiveness. I asked her to add a scripture story in there too. She did the rest and I typed as she dictated. I did help her tie her talk back to the given topic in the second to last sentence but other than that ... here is repentance and forgiveness through the eyes of a six year old:

One day there was a girl named Martha she had a brother named Andrew. And that day she was writing an email to her friend and Andrew came in and messed it up and left the room. Later that day, Andrew felt bad so he went to apologize to Martha. Martha apologized too and she forgave her brother. So she got to finish her email. So every time you a mistake you should apologize too.

Once in the scriptures there was a man named Alma he was wicked. Every time they told him to be nice he would be mean and tell people the church wasn’t true. Then one day while they were on the way to tell people the church wasn’t true an angel appeared. He said that Alma’s father had been praying for Alma to not be wicked. And while the angel was talking Alma fainted. So they took Alma home to his father and put a wet cloth on him. Two days later Alma woke up. He didn’t feel wicked anymore. He had a change of heart from hard to soft. Then he went to the church and apologized because he had been telling people that were in the church that the church was not true. He repented for all his sins and he always always always teached people about the church. He soon grew up to be a prophet.

So every time we do something wrong try to repent like Alma did. To repent you have to pray and ask Heavenly Father to forgive you. After you pray you will have a change of heart and you will not want to do bad things anymore. You should also apologize to the person you were mean to. Then you should be extra nice to try to make up for being mean. When we repent we are following the example of Alma and we set a good example for our little brothers or sisters. Repenting and forgiving makes our family stronger and happier. And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ AMEN.

Sunny June

Sunny fun filled days with family and visitors - that is how this June has shaped up for our family. We have been enjoying the taste of summer we are cramming into this month off of school. With trips to California and Utah and Idaho, cousins and friends staying over with us as they travel on their vacations, and fun times with friends and neighbors there has been little time to write it all down. It is good to be busy in such wonderful ways.

I was holding Noble tonight as he fell asleep in my arms and felt that mother love rush through me. You know the kind where you just want to squish the little one but don't because they are so little so you grit your teeth instead? Yeah that. It was my fourth grit of the night (I had already put the other 3 down) but it still seems one too few. I suppose it always will now.

I have started so many posts these last few days only to be interrupted by motherhood. :) And alas the little son has woken for his midnight snack. Still I will post because if I don't I may never finish a post. Such is the nature of this most important calling of love.

So You Think You Can Dance

I went to the taping of tonight's So You Think You Can Dance show yesterday. It was so much fun! I got to tell Mia Michaels that I love her. She is my favorite choreographer. She does one of tonight's numbers and Evan and Randi dance it. It is in my top 2 of tonight's performances (at least from my view at the live taping.) The other one I just loved was a Dave Scott hip hop routine with Brandon and Janette. Brandon is a pretty incredible dancer.

I loved watching all the dances. I was in the back row standing right next to the bottom stair to the judges platform. This let me see the judges and choreographers really well. The dances ... well I could see them from the knee up. I am not that tall. I needed some serious platform shoes to see over the 5 rows of heads in front of me. I am pretty sure you will not be able to see me in any of the crowd shots. But I am wearing a bright orange shirt if you want to look anyway.

You probably will be able to see my friend Catherine. She and my sister in law Nikki and my friend Carrie went with me. Catherine is pregnant so she got a seat in the stands with the contestants families. She right behind all of Randi's family with the signs. She is wearing a gray shirt. And she confirmed that yes, Randi is LDS.

I will be watching tonight to catch all the below the knee action. :) Feel free to come join me if you like. Party starts promptly at 8:45.