Finding Hope in Despair

I have learned some valuable lessons about fighting the good fight with despair over the past 4 months. Pursuant to some comments about how we get through when we feel forsaken, left alone, and silence from heaven, I thought I would share some of what I have learned personally about these subjects.

First, I think everyone gets to a point in their lives where they feel forsaken. For some this comes early in life. For others it may not be until they are in their last days of life on earth. But I personally believe that it will come for all of us. Perhaps for many of us it comes more than once, maybe even multiple times.

These "forsaken" moments are defining opportunities in our existence. They are the most authentic test of our faith. It is easy to stay strong in the faith when we are surrounded by the love of the Lord. It is much more difficult if we are suffering and it seems are prayers go unanswered and we feel only silence from heaven.

Forsaken moments are not a sign of unrighteousness. Some of my greatest heroes had these moments. Nephi in the Book of Mormon when his father died had one of these I believe. Joseph Smith had some of these very dark times in Liberty Jail. And even the Savior felt forsaken as he performed the great and last atoning sacrifice.

The key in these moments is to hold fast to the iron rod or the word of God and stay true to our faith. Even in the darkness and silence we must hold on to our faith with a hope that the darkness will indeed end and light will come again. Sometimes it is nearly impossible to find this hope in the midst of despair. 

I should note here- I am not addressing the illness of depression. That is something with which I am not personally familiar. I have been depressed but have never suffered the illness of depression. I know there is a difference and those suffering from the illness should seek the medical help they deem appropriate to help them in that affliction.  

But if that is not your situation, and you find yourself feeling forsaken and in despair, may I offer one insight that has come to me through this trial of losing Camille. As you can imagine, I have had some pretty dark hours through this. I had faced these "forsaken" moments before this, but I have experienced a whole new level of despair and "forsaken" moments through this. 

One truth that has become apparent to me is how difficult it is to hear the Lord or feel His love or support when we are in the depths of despair. I think it is still there. But I think we are unable to feel it without faith and hope in our hearts. I have thought back on all the "forsaken" moments in my life and noticed a pattern of hopelessness in them. I did have desire to hear from heaven in these moments, but honestly I was too far into self pity, or despair to really have hope or faith in my heart. 

Perhaps this is just true for me. But I feel I have to have hope and faith in my heart to feel the support from heaven that I believe the Lord unfailingly sends me. Since coming to this enlightening, I have tried in my dark hours to keep my mind firmly planted in faith that heaven is near. Each time, I have felt peace in the silence of my empty nursery. I have felt words come to my mind of support and encouragement from armies of kindred spirits sent to buoy me up with understanding companionship.

In one of my lowest hours, definitely the lowest after leaving the hospital, I felt complete despair and felt forsaken. I had no faith that the Lord would answer my prayers or help me in my time of need. In this hopeless state I prayed and felt the silence. (This was before I had the epiphany that I needed hope to hear the help.) At this point, I reached out for my life preserver here on earth. I called my parents. My mother pointed out how richly my life was blessed. At the time, her words rang on nearly deaf ears. I could not see my blessings at that point. Or at least I could not see any of them continuing. 

I believe my parents began to pray for me this day. They were not in town and thus could not rush over to my aid. But they used their faith in praying for me when my own faith was so lacking. I pulled myself step by step out of my closet and down to my children. I turned on Hello Dolly to fill our house with cheerful music. By the end of the day, the storm had lifted. The Lord provided to me a small sign of his love and support to me and my family and my faith was once again restored.

When we are in despair too deep to pull ourselves out, we must reach out to our earthly life preservers, whoever they may be. A sister, a friend, a parent, a sibling, a relief society president, a bishop, a visiting teacher, a stranger on a blog. We all need earthly life preservers to pray in faith for us when our faith is so low we cannot not hear the answers to our own prayers.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to someone out there. I think there were many good talks in General Conference on hope. I loved Elder Uchtdorf's advice to serve others in an effort to find hope. Those are all talks I will be reviewing in the coming months.

May we all find the hope and faith necessary to find the light at the end of the tunnel of our forsaken moments.

Fighting the Good Fight

Tonight I will share a story from my past that is rather simple but has had a profound impact on my life and my self image. It is part of the post in my head from last week on finding hope in times of despair. Hopefully tomorrow evening I will have the energy to finish off the second half of that post.

Years ago, when I was single and in my 3rd year of college I had a sad and lonely night. These were not uncommon for me. I was far more emotionally unstable in my single years. I do not remember with clarity the circumstances that led to my depressed state. They are not important to the story. Suffice it to say I was feeling pretty low. I had a nice mix of self pity, self loathing, and loneliness going around in my heart and head. 

So like any well trained Christian girl, I turned to my Heavenly Father in prayer. I knelt down by my bed swimming in all these depressing thoughts. As I prepared to say my prayers I began to think. My thoughts followed the following line of reasoning. 

"My Father in Heaven loves me. I know that much. But right now I do not love myself and I do not feel the love of others. Why am I feeling like this? Surely Heavenly Father does not want me to feel like this. If He loves me as much as my own father does He would not want me to feel this way."

Here is when the lightbulb goes off.

"Oh. So if this feeling is not from the Lord, it must be from Satan. Yes that makes sense. Satan would want me to feel alone and unloved and unlovable. Wait a minute. That must mean he is winning right now. No no. That is not good. I cannot let him win."

At this point I wrapped my arms around myself tight and gave myself a big hug. Someone needed to do it and I was the only one in the room. So I hugged myself. As I did this, I felt strength come into me. In my minds eye I saw an image. It was an image of myself in the pre existence. I am fairly certain the image I saw was not really what I actually looked like physically before I was born. But I am certain that the personality of the girl I saw was me. I saw a scrappy, determined, and unyielding fighter full of strength, courage and grit. I knew it was me. In that instant I knew just how strong I could be, how strong I had been.

No this was not a battle Satan was going to win, trying to get me all down and depressed. My mind become firm on this quickly and I said out loud "You are not going to win this, Satan. You will not win me. I will not let you." Saying it out loud was like cementing my thoughts. It made the decision real. And I believe it ended Satan's hope in the matter when he or whatever servant of his heard me speak it with such finality. 

Instantly, all the negative feeling I had left me. I was no longer depressed. I was still alone and dateless. None of my circumstances had changed. But I knew who I was. I was a fighter unwilling to be beaten, and in this fight, I had won.

Answers for Kathryn M

I got a comment from Kathryn M a couple of days ago. It had some questions I thought might be beneficial to clear up for her and any others who may have been wondering.  Here were her questions:

Do all wards attend at different times? It doesn't seem possible that there would be a new Temple built each time a new ward is formed, right? So I am assuming there are appointed times for each.

At some point, I would really like to know more about parents having the opportunity to raise their children who have died young. In my presently muddled mind, I am unable to reconcile the ages of our other children or ourselves once we have all passed to Glory. Other than the reference to children who die young, I couldn't find anything more about ages. Since there is neither growth or development in the grave .... well, you no doubt can sense my confusion. To put it bluntly, it seems certain that Camille will be 14 months old when you are reunited but what about the rest of your family?

The first part there needs a bit of vocabulary definition. Wards are congregations of about 300-500 hundred people. We are divided into wards geographically. When a ward becomes very large, our leaders at higher up levels make new geographic lines and split or realign a ward. Or they make split a ward into two and create a new ward. 

Wards meet in meeting houses we call churches or chapels. You may see these in any neighborhood. There are two within 2 miles of our home. Usually two or three wards meet each week in one chapel. They meet at set intervals, usually at 9 a.m. 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. if there are three wards in that building. We go to church for 3 hours. 75 minutes of that is spent in a meeting we call sacrament meeting. Everyone goes to sacrament meeting. All the kids, all the babies, everyone. So in the overlap, all of one ward is in the chapel portion of the building while the other ward is finishing up Sunday school classes in the classroom portion of the building.

In our area, there has been much growth. We have had to do several ward splits in the last few years. We have 9 wards in our stake (the next level up of leadership usually comprising 8-12 wards). We only have 2 buildings in our stake's geographical area. So the church is in the process of building a new church to accommodate us. Till then we are attending at other church buildings in other stakes that only had 2 wards using them.

Temples on the other hand are very large and special buildings that are not very common. We have one here in Las Vegas. There are about 125-130 Temples in the world. These are not places we go on Sunday to do our weekly worship services. Temples are far more holy than a regular chapel. They are considered to be the House of God. In them, members make sacred covenants or promises with the Lord and receive sacred blessings. 

We go once to make these covenants for ourselves and then we return as often as we can to also make these covenants for our deceased ancestors who did not have a chance to make these promises in their life. For example, we are baptized for the dead so that all of God's children can have the opportunity to accept or reject this baptism from the Spirit world.

Okay. Now I know that probably raised even more questions for some but I am going to move on to the second part of Kathryn's questions on afterlife.

When we die, we go to the Spirit world. Our body is here and our spirit is separated from it. One of our modern day prophets, Joseph F. Smith, has taught us that "when a baby dies, it goes back into the spirit world, and the spirit assumes its natural form as an adult, for we were all adults before we were born." He explains that some spirits that show themselves to us will show themselves to us as we knew them, a child or old person. But that is for our benefit so that we recognize who it is. Normally in the spirit world, all spirits are in the form of a man or woman in their adult prime and not aged  or childhood state. 

The prophets Joseph Smith and Joseph F. Smith, both of whom lost several of their own children, taught us much on the death or little children and what happens to them. I will summarize for you. If you want references I suggest the book Angel Children by Mary Hill. She does a great compilation. 

When a child dies, his or her body stops growing and progressing. It is laid in the grave. The spirit of this child continues to progress. Eventually Jesus Christ will come once more to the earth and usher in a new millennium. At his second coming many will begin to be resurrected. This means their spirits will reunite with their bodies. Eventually this will happen for all who have ever lived on the earth. This is the blessing of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. He truly did break the bands of death.

When Camille is resurrected, her body will come from the grave as it was when she died. She will be a 14 month old. Her body will be different in that she will not be able to die or get sick. It will be a perfect little body healed of all the wounds that took her life. But she will still be little and someone will have to teach and train her as her body grows to its full stature. Someone has to teach her to walk and ride a bike and talk and do a cartwheel. The prophets have taught us that the people who will do that will be their mothers and fathers. A mother who loses her child in this life will, in that millennium of peace after Christ comes, have the privilege of raising and training the child she lost with her husband, provided they have lived worthy of such a blessing. 

As for the rest of us, I hope my husband and I and our other children will be old grandparents when we die. We will also be raised from the dead after the second coming and will come forth as we were laid down. I imagine in the instant of resurrection our bodies will still be aged or will look the age at which we died. But our bodies will be restored to their perfect frame and we will come to look the same age as our spirits are in their natural state. We will grow young. Jon will get all his hair back. I will have a stomach that doesn't look like it has carried 4 babies. :) I am looking forward to that. I am not sure how long this will take to grow young. Maybe it will be in the blink of an eye. Maybe it will be more gradual. But it will happen. 

I hope that helps some Kathryn. I know this is a long post. You can email me at stephaniewaite@gmail.com if you want to discuss some of this more in depth. What I can tell you is that 5 months ago I knew this teaching in our church and I thought it was ... nice. Today, it is the reason I am able to get up every morning and live with hope. I know the part about Camille being an adult spirit is true. I have felt her, as an adult, on numerous occasions. It has been a new experience for me to get to know her on such a different level. I believe and am counting on being able to raise her to maturity. I am trying to live my life worthy of that blessing. I trust the Lord that he will restore unto me all that I have lost in losing Camille so young.

This is my great hope in life. It is the good news of the gospel. Death is not the victor in this story. Jesus Christ has overcome death and we will all partake of this blessing of the resurrection one day.

A Day I Never Thought Would Come

Today is a red letter day. It is a day I have long wished for and honestly thought would never come. Today Jonathan called to me upstairs and told me to come outside. The excitement in his voice made the invitation irresistible. I walked outside and this is what I saw: 

I know. Most of you are thinking, "hey what is the big deal? It is a kid riding a bike." You are right. That is exactly what it is. It is my 7 1/2 year old daughter riding her bike --- for the first time ever --- and liking it. 

Jon and I have struggled with this task of teaching our girls to ride a bike. They basically have had no interest. Add to that the time consuming task of teaching and running with them in hot Las Vegas weather and having other little kids or pregnancies to deal with and well... it just hasn't gotten done. We have tried. We have attempted to teach both Sabrina and Ann Marie every fall and spring for about 2 years now. But they have been too scared and totally unmotivated to learn. 

Jon finally did a bunch of internet research to figure out how to remove the pedals from a bike. He took them off Ann Marie's bike and let Sabrina hop on and find her balance going down the slight incline of our street. After about 15 minutes he put her back on her bike and within minutes she was pedaling her way up and down the street. 

I know this seems like no big deal to many of you with bike riding kids. But, honestly, I had pretty much given up hope on the dream that my kids would be bike riders. I grew up with brothers and we rode bikes all the time. These girls were just as content to take their scooters out as a bike. 

Still seeing my 3 year old niece Stella riding her bike in California a few weeks ago just made me cringe again to think my kids would be the ones who got all grown up and never learned to ride a bike. I could just see some guy asking them out on a date to go on a bike ride and them having to turn him down. Silly. I know. But it is where I was, until today's tiny miracle. 

SO Hip Hip HOORAY!!!! Way to go Saby! I am sure Annie will not be far behind her now.

Blooming

The Dahlia's that have laid dormant since the spring have begun to bloom once more in my backyard. My landscaper is stunned that they survived the extreme heat of the Las Vegas summer. So am I. 

And yet, there is a corner of my garden that has weathered the heat and drought. We had a week of no sprinklers and lost many plants but one corner of my yard still flourished. This plant, a gardenia, and some of my grandmother's dutch iris plants my aunt dug up for me from her yard in Idaho. I transplanted those irises the week Camille died. We were in Idaho at the farm the Sunday before the accident.

There is a great symbolic therapy in growing things. I have never been very good at gardening. I don't claim to be now. But somehow, this one corner of my garden refuses to be defeated against all odds. And I find joy in its blooms.

Enough said

I was going to post a response to some comments from yesterday. I have a post in my head about hope and despair and answers to prayer. But that post will have to be another day. Plus my awesome readers have put some wonderful follow up comments to read on those issues.

Today, I just miss my baby girl. 

Enough said. 

More tomorrow.

A Quick Response

I just read the following comment:

Stephanie

I cannot deal with my own pain today. I have been to the temple, read my scriptures, say my prayers, but the pain is so intense it seems unbearable. What do you do when you can't escape the inner pain that is so consuming? Today is just too hard.

I do not know who sent this as it was anonymous. I don't know to what kind of pain you are dealing with. Here is what I do aside from what you have already done, which I would continue doing over and over. I gather my children, husband and family around me. I surround myself with those who love me unconditionally. I let them know about my pain. And I write. I get as much of the pain out in writing as I can. And I cry. Sometimes it helps to let it out.

Lastly, I want to share with you this post that my friend Britt wrote up. It is a talk by Elder Holland given at a stake conference she and her husband attended. Her husband is an awesome note taker. And Elder Holland ... he is just INCREDIBLE! LOVE HIM!  Hope this helps. Thanks for the post Britt!

When we feel broken, which we all have....

1) When these times come for you or others remember God loves broken things. It takes broken clouds to nourish earth, broken earth to grow grain, broken grain to make bread. God can fix all things that are broken, they are understood by him and incorporated into His plan for us. The think that he loves most is a broken heart and contrite spirit - symbols of the Atonement which replaced the firstling of the flock after the Atonement was wrought. 

Broken heart and contrite spirit is a more personal sacrifice that a burnt offering. Please don't resist if God helps to break your heart, he doesn't do it maliciously. He will handle it with care while it's broken and we will get it back whole. It will be restored whole just as our bodies will be restored whole through the Atonement. If we'll be faithful and true and not cut and run we'll get it all back. Don't panic if something breaks even if it's our heart of a child, spouse, or family member. The 'Night' will pass

2) When these times come and they will come and your in the middle of the offering remember what Virgil (Christian contemporary), "When these times come, endure, and save yourselves for days of happiness ahead." The declaration of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is that you will be happy again. The longer you think about not being happy the more you convince yourself that you never have been happy. The gospel brings happiness, it brought you happiness before this night began and you will have that happiness again. When you're in the middle of night you might say, "I can't do this, the load I've been asked to carry I can't carry." We all say that, it's the natural thing to say. 

During this time we realize that the path we say we can't walk we do walk. We start to see what God is trying to say. When you look deep within yourself we start to see your true divinity, with a lot more strength than we thought we had and probably more that we wanted ;) You're waiting for the crash and somehow the ship levels out, although you're sure you're still going down.....and then the incline of the valley starts sloping up and you see a ray of light. For some this comes soon, others later, others in heaven but be assured it will come. In tough times square your shoulders, pull up your socks, and grit your teeth.

We have had the crash. We are on our ups and our downs. Sometimes we feel like our ship has set sail and left us, or we are on a rocky ship, but the ship always smooths out.... eventually.

Elder Holland was VERY adamant about this part. He was teary eyed and firm. I remember thinking, "If I have a really hard trial, how would I handle it? Would I lose my faith? Would I turn to it? How will/ would I react?" I pondered on the trials past and realized I had taken the higher road. At times, those trials really seemed like they were the hardest thing I ever had to do, and so goes with this one....

3) Don't you dare in those times say, "Well I guess God doesn't love me." If you say that personal problems are equated to God's lack of love you are wrong, because what does that say of some of the best people that have lived on this planet? What does that say about the Son of God? Elder Holland then told about an experience he had with President Hunter. 

President Hunter was very sick and had just given Elder Holland an assignment to go overseas. ElderHolland knew that Pres Hunter would probably pass away while Elder Holland was away on assignment. One of the unwritten rules is you do not stop by the Prophets house for a social visit, so remember that when you're in SLC. Elder Holland felt like it would probably be OK to stop by Pres. Hunters house in spite of this unwritten rule because of the circumstances. So on his way out of town he went to the prophets apartment and knocked on the door. 

Sister Hunter answered the door and just as she was opening the door an unearthly cry came out of the backroom coming from the President Hunter because of the great pain the cancer was causing him. ElderHolland has heard a cry similar to this only one other time from his 3 year old brother as he was having a seizure that killed him. Sister Hunter and Elder Holland both started crying. Elder Holland then knew it had been a mistake to come and said something along the lines of, "Forgive me I shouldn't have come, tell him I love him and am going on my assignment." 

When the plane Elder Holland took got to England he was given word that President Hunter had died and to return back to SLC. President Hinckley is another of great suffering. He is alone and sick but keeps coming to work every day - does Heavenly Father not love him? When you hurt He hurts, DON'T YOU DARE SAY HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. The first rule of seamanship is when there's a storm you stay in the boat. You may need to hunker down at the bottom of the ship with the oars pulled in over you but you stay in the ship, don't even consider jumping ship. When you have storms in your life you've never needed the church more, 

DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE. Where would you go?....the rotary club?....the gardening club? You stay with the truth, prove there's divinity in you. You're gonna have to say, "please let this cup pass" but if it won't they you square your shoulders, bow your head and say, 'yes.' We have to do it to prove who we are and who He is. 

When the disciples were in the storm tossed ship in the New Testiment Jesus slept. They awoke Him and asked, "carest thou not that we perish?" The ship is going to sink! He responded, 'oh ye of little faith.' Then he raised his arm to the square and said, 'peace be still' and the wind and waves obeyed his voice. The disciples said, 'who is this man that even the wind and waves obey his voice.' In stormy seas we need the person that can control wind and waves. 

Be believing, the sun will shine again. 

Only the Gospel truth will bring happiness, don't try other things looking for happiness because they've been tried and don't work. 

Elder Hollands favorite title of Christ in in the book of Revelations: 'Bright and Morning Star.' The Sun will come because of the Son. The only hope we have to offer you is the truth of the Gospel, all of it. He knows everything about sorrow and pain, everything about you. He has figuratively raised his arm to the sqare and declared figuratively peace in your life and this peace will come. 

Seek the Peace and hunker down till it comes, people. Love to you all and especially to you today Anonymous! Love to you.

Stephanie

A New Phase

I feel like I am moving into a new phase of this grieving process. In pregnancy, there are three trimesters. For some very unlucky women, all three of these are filled with serious illness. For other very lucky women, there is little illness or pain involved in the pregnancy process. For most, the first trimester is plagued by fatigue and nausea and/or vomiting. But the second trimester proves to be a reprieve from these ailments. 

That is how my pregnancies have always gone. And it is similar to how I have felt in this grieving process. The first months were so filled with pain and sorrow. Now I have just finished my fourth month. And while I know that I am a different person and my life will never be the same, I feel strength coming back to me again. I feel more able to pull my own weight and more able to solid in my footing. I am not back 100% but I have hope that one day I will get there and maybe even be stronger for the experience.  

Now, for most pregnant women the last 3 months of pregnancy is uncomfortable, taxing and sometimes downright painful. I know that has been more and more true for each of my pregnancies. I don't expect by any stretch of the imagination that I am out of the woods yet. I am sure the months of April through Aug. next year will be difficult. But I hope just as pregnancy yields wonderful blessings, I hope this most painful journey will prove equally as rewarding.

If nothing else, my experience and understanding as a human being is far richer and of a greater breadth than I ever imagined it would be. Geez and I am only finished with one trimester of life too. Who knew one could experience so much in one trimester?

Marriage Is What Bwings Us Togethuh Today!

One of the questions from my call for questions a few weeks ago was on marriage. The commenter asked for my secrets to a happy successful marriage. Since we had a lesson in young women's at church yesterday on the subject, the subject has been brought to my mind and I thought Jon and I would toss out are thoughts on the subject. 

Please note that I am in no way claiming any expertise in this subject. I have no degrees in family sciences. I never took a class about this. But I am very happily married and have been for all of the nearly 10 years of my marriage. That does not mean Jon and I have never fought or gone through seriously difficult personal issues apart from losing our daughter Camille. We are both far from perfect and marriage can just be difficult when you are working with imperfect people. Go figure. But, we have found techniques to work through our problems. And I am perfectly willing to share.

So I will write my thoughts down and then when I am done Jonathan will fill in in italics his comments, additions, musings, and commentary. Enjoy!

Essential Ingredients for a Happy Marriage

Honesty: From early on in our friendship, I knew Jon was very honest. He always let me know exactly where I stood with him even when he knew the truth might hurt my feelings or disappoint me. He thought of me as a friend. He had no interest in more. I was interested in exploring more. But he never led me on or gave me reason to hope that someday he would like me. I really appreciated this honesty. 

In our marriage, he has been similarly honest. When he screws up, he admits it. And when he feels I need to step up to the plate in something, he only tells me when he feels it is really important. So when he does tell me about something, I listen and take it to heart.

Without honesty, it is hard to have trust. Without trust, well, it is hard to live with someone you don't trust. So being honest to build trust is in my book pretty crucial. 

Ok -- here's the interesting thing.  How many of you when reading this thought about your spouse and their honesty (or lack thereof)??  I think it's important to note that honesty is a two-way street.  Just how honest are YOU in the relationship?  Many times we withhold crucial feelings/thoughts/information because either we don't want to share or we don't find it important.  

Love: You would think this one is obvious. I mean why would you marry someone you didn't love? The trouble comes when the initial infatuation stage wears off and you have to find within your relationship that true, deep, lasting, unselfish love that is essential to keep the home fires burning through the long term.

This kind of love is born of respect and gratitude and comes straight from heaven. When you can see your spouse the way the Lord does, it is easy to love him or her in spite of all the flaws you discover after you get married. This gift of charity for your spouse makes you see your spouse for the person they can become. It makes you want to be a worthy companion and help them to become that person in any way you can.

Another part of this essential love ingredient is like. You have to like your spouse. If you aren't married yet, don't marry anyone you don't genuinely like to be with apart from the physical aspect. If you are already married and feel like you don't like your spouse, try hard to find things you do like about them. Develop new things to do together that will help you like him or her. Liking the person you spend eternity with is kinda key to being happy.

Luckily, I really like Jon. I always have. He is funny and quirky and I would rather spend time with him than anybody else.

My favorite quote on this subject is:  "Choose the one you love and love the one you chose".  Once the choice of marriage is made you have to love (this is a verb) your spouse.  I keep hearing terms like "we fell out of love" and "I don't love him/her anymore".  Now, barring some evil and/or hateful act that your spouse has committed, I really don't believe that these statements are the final word.  Love is found through the act of service and in serving your spouse you can recapture that love.  

Forgiveness: This one is huge. We all screw up. Sometimes we screw up really really big. It happens. We need to realize when we have screwed up or hurt or spouses feelings even if we thought we were right and sincerely repent to them.

Then when our spouse repents to us, we need to forgive him or her. This can be incredibly difficult depending on the severity of the injury. Sometimes their sorry just isn't enough to take the hurt away. I find it helpful to give them a way to make it better. Make something up that they can do to show you they are sorry. I find it helps to make the hurt go away, especially if it is something silly.

The second tactic that helps with forgiveness comes from the Book of Mormon. In Jacob 3:1-2: 

But behold, I, Jacob, would speak unto you that are pure in heart. Look unto God with firmness of mind, and ^apray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will ^bconsole you in your ^cafflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down ^djustice upon those who seek your destruction.

2 O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may if your minds are firm, forever.

I think these verses are helpful for anyone who has a broken heart. They give a recipe for healing the broken heart. Look to God with a firmness of mind, pray with faith, receive the good word of God, feast upon His love. But the key to feeling this love is the firm mind. We must train our minds to keep our thoughts in line with where the Savior would have them. When a person repents sincerely to the Lord, the Lord remembers the sin no more. Does this mean the Lord really doesn't remember what we did? No. He knows what we did. He just doesn't bring it back to Him mind anymore. He doesn't "remember" it anymore. 

When we are injured by someone and they repent to us, we need to train our brain to not "remember" or dwell upon their bad act or hurtful words. This is so much easier said than done. I know. This principle has been key to healing my heart in the past and it is essential now to overcoming my feelings of guilt and loss. I must train my mind to be firm in seeing Camille's death from an eternal perspective and remember no more the "if only" and "why didn't I" thoughts that so easily haunt anyone in my shoes. Yes a firm mind is essential to healing the broken heart and forgiving.

Work: Marriage is work. You have to focus on making your spouse happy. That mean self improvement and service. If you are really working hard to make your spouse happy, the love part comes more easily, as does the forgiveness when you screw up. If you get complacent, things can quickly slide into a lull that is hard to escape.

I'm going to add a trick Stephanie and I use in our "work" of marriage. We are both very stubborn and usually fight for our own way.  Many times in family life there are conflicting desires, activities, places to go, holidays to spend, etc.  When we both come to one of these occasions, one person will ask, "how important is this on a scale of 1-10" and we then quantify how important that desire is.  The higher number wins. Period.  Now, honesty is obviously important and answering 10 every time makes the trick useless...

Commitment: Every marriage has highs and lows. There are times when you are more in love with your spouse than ever before. There are other times when you go for long stretches of lulls or going through the motions. Lots of couples now days seem to get into these lulls and feel they have fallen out of love and get divorced. That is not what marriage is about. Marriage is about sticking it out through the lulls and getting you booty into gear working to make it better. Lulls can last years. They are a natural part of marriage. They are not a sign of an unhappy or unsuccessful marriage. They are the sign of a normal marriage. The couple with commitment is faithful through the lull and works to bring the joy and happiness back even if it takes a long time. Commitment is key to any successful marriage.

I just want to add one important point: that many times marriage involves doing things we don't want to do, with people we might want to be with (like say, your spouse's high school football buddy) in less than desirable places.  For me, noting that something means a lot to my wife (even though I don't care for it) means I need to make the sacrifice for her happiness.  I took my wife down to Brazil a couple of years ago and visited some of my old mission areas.  I could tell she was NOT having a good time due to language barrier, her pregnancy at the time and just how boring it was for her.  But she recognized it was important for me (and of course I tried to keep it as short as possible), so she was such a trooper.

The Saby Blog

My little woman Sabrina has been asking for her own blog. In an effort to let her work through her own emotions and also to encourage her writing, I have consented. Of course she will not be allowed to post without my help and supervision to keep her safe but I thought some of you may want to check out her blog.

Introducing The Saby Blog! 

Click on the link to go see her very first, very brief and super sweet first entry entitled "Camille wins!" She will no doubt be watching for comments. She loves to read mine. 

Alone Time

This morning I had a few things on my calendar. I had lunch with my two best friends from high school and then went to a baby shower afterward. Jon took the girls to his mother's house for a piano lesson and some family time.

They were still gone when I got home. I had about three hours here at the house to myself. I know so many of you out there are turning shades of green with envy. ALONE TIME!!! No kids crawling on you or fighting with each other or crying. What would it be like to have three whole hours to do whatever you want. 

This was the first time I had been alone for any significant time period since Camille died. I remember when the Relief Society presidency of my ward came to see me in the hospital and asked what they could do. One of the very few answers I gave them was, "I do not want to be left alone."

Until today, I hadn't been. Oh I have been alone in my car going places, but home alone for more than a few minutes ... no. See Jon works from home so either he or the kids is nearly always here with me.

Today I discovered I no longer enjoy alone time. The silence that used to be so golden was paralyzing to me. There was plenty I could have done with this time. The house was a mess. I should have cleaned. The laundry needed folding. I could have written something. I could have organized any number of disorganized places in my house. I could worked on scrapbooks or played the piano or worked out. I could even have taken a bath or gone to a book store and bought a great book to start reading. But I didn't. I couldn't. 

I was entirely overwhelmed by the emptiness. Instead I turned on the television to make there be noise and distract me. My mind ... it thinks too much in unhelpful directions when I am alone. Even car rides by myself are still difficult. I nearly always end up near tears when I arrive at my destination. It is easier to keep my mind in the present when I am in the presence of others. I wonder how long this will last? I wonder when I will be comfortable being alone again. I wonder if I will ever value alone time like I used to.

As soon as my family got home I was released from this captivity of quietness. I was able to clean the house and bake some cookies and help Annie practice violin and wrap presents with Sabrina and write something here. Doesn't it seem against logic that I should be so much more productive with children present than alone? I guess for now people, my family in particular, are the catalyst I need to activate the me who is living for today.

May those of you who need it find some alone time. I know at some seasons of life it is critical. And, for now, may my home be continually filled with the messes and noises of loved ones.  

Story Time -The Little Girl of Light

I feel like making up a story for the girls for bedtime tonight.  Here goes...

The Little Girl of Light

Long ago in the far away land of the colored pencil forest, there lived a medium sized family. There was a mother and a father and three little girls. They lived in a little cottage made of colored pencils from the forest. They had a garden in the back of their house where they grew vegetables to eat. They had a cow for milk and chickens for eggs. 

Most days they spent doing their chores in the garden and keeping the house and making the food. When their chores were done, the girls liked to make music with their father or paint with their mother. Sometimes, when mother and father were too busy, the little girls would go deep into the colored pencil forest and play hide and seek.

One day they finished their chores but Mother and Father did not so they went to the forest to play hide and seek. The oldest little girl, Sabreeza was the counter. Her little sisters, Analeeza and Laureeza, ran off to hide and she began counting to 100. 

Analeeza found a hollow log just big enough to fit around her thin little body. In she crawled to wait while she wondered how the log had become hallow. 

Laureeza found a large raspberry bush covered in ripe juicy raspberries. Laureeza loved berries. She crawled right in to the middle of this thick bush and began to eat the sweet berries while she waited.

As Sabreeza finished counting, dark clouds filled the sky. The wind began to howl and it certain that a severe storm was coming and quick. Sabreeza needed to find her sisters and get home quick. 

She began her search but with the wind rattling through the trees, she couldn't hear any noises to lead her to her sisters. Black clouds darkened the sky making it hard to see where her sisters could be hiding. Thunder and lightening began to announce the coming of the storm.

Frantic now, Sabreeza searched everywhere for her sisters calling for them as loud as she could. Rain began to fall and still Sabreeza couldn't find her sisters. She knew they were in real trouble if they didn't get home and soon. 

Suddenly, out of the darkness she saw a small light as bright as the noon sun. It came toward her growing larger as it approached. When it was about two feel around and close enough for her to almost reach out and touch it, a beautiful little girl appeared in the circle of light.

"Hello love," said the little girl in the light. "My name is Cameeza. I am here to help you find your way home."

Somehow this little girl seemed familiar to Sabreeza and she instantly felt a great love and comfort from Cameeza.

"I need to find my sisters before I go home," explained Sabreeza. "They are younger than me and are probably scared from the storm. They were hiding for a game when the weather turned and now I can't find them. It is too loud and too dark."

"I can help," said Cameeza. "Follow me. I will light the way."

Sabreeza followed the light of the little girl till she stumbled over a log. She fell to the ground. As she fell, she heard a cry that was not her own. It was Analeeza. Sabreeza reached into the log and helped Analeeza out. Analeeza had been stuck and was terrified when she heard the storm coming and saw the darkness.

Sabreeza and Analeeza gave each other a big hug and Sabreeza told Analeeza that everything would be fine. They had help now to find their way.

Cameeza continued on and led the girls by her light in the darkness. Suddenly they felt the tickling of leaves and the sticky liquid of juice on their arms. Then they heard the giggles. Laureeza had not been scared. She was enjoying the raspberries and knew someone would come find her soon. The three of the cheered to be together again.

Before they knew it, Cameeza was moving away. She motioned for them to follow. Follow they did. It was a long way in the darkness that she led them. They had been playing deep in the forest. But Cameeza was easy to follow because she was so full of light.  

In time they came to the gate around their cottage. Cameeza stopped and so did the girls. The rain began to fall in earnest now. The girls were soaked and cold. The wind still ripped through the forrest. But the girls did not want to leave this little girl of light who had led them so faithfully home. 

Cameeza understood their hesitancy. She came close to each girl and sweetly gave each one a kiss on the cheek. Their cheeks warmed under the brilliant touch of her perfect little lips. "Don't be sad," Cameeza said. "I can't go any further with you but I will always be watching over you. When you need help or direction I will be there to help you however I can. In the meantime, the kiss I just gave you has put a bit of my light in each of you. This light will warm you all the days of your life. You will always know you are loved. Now go home to your parents. They are sick with worry."

With that Cameeza faded away into the night. The girls ran into the cottage. Mother and Father were so happy and relieved to see them. The girls told their mother and father all that had happened and their mother and father knew the little girls would not lie. And neither had Cameeza. She watched over them all the rest of their lives and was always there to help them in their darkest hours.

The End

Debt

There has been much ado in current events with regards to debt. I have a few thoughts on the subject that have been in my mind the last few days.

I am debt phobic. I think it is the inherent cheap side of me that just cannot stand to pay interest. I feel like it is paying for nothing. I like to get the best deal I can on things. Somehow I would rather wait and save $10,000 to buy something rather than have it now and pay $15,000 over the next 10 years. To me that seems like a waste of $5,000.

Now, I understand that somethings can't practically be saved for in advance and so we must sometimes go into debt. Houses are like that. Education can be like that. And certain other major and often unexpected expenses also fall into this category. I have had Home and Education debt, but even then, I feel the weight of the debt on me and work hard to pay it off as quickly as possible. I guess you could say I am hyper aware of what I owe. I am far more comfortable as a creditor than a debtor.

Some debts, however, you can never repay. My debt to my parents is one of these. How can you ever repay your mother for the sacrifices she made to bring you into the world let alone all the time and energy raising you? My mother says these are they type of debts you don't try to pay back. They are the type you pay forward.

The debt that has most been on my mind lately is that which I owe to the Lord. Really, think about it for a minute. What am I of my own accord? A bit of conscious intelligence perhaps? And what do I owe the Lord? Let's start basic on this list here. He gave me life and a body. I could stop there and have a debt greater than I could pay.

I was born in America. Anyone who has travelled much outside the US, especially to third world countries, knows what a blessing it is to be born in America. Even the poorest of poor here have life better than so many millions in Africa and other places.

Beyond that I was born into a loving nuclear family where I was taught correct principles and guided smoothly through my youth and adolescence. Along the way, the Lord blessed me with a testimony and incredible spiritual experiences that taught me of His love for me.

If the rest of my life were all trials and misfortune, I would still be in debt to the Lord. But in the years since leaving the home of my youth, my blessings have only been amplified. Even the trials have brought blessings with them. Even this most dear price of my sweet little girl, is but a drop of repayment of ocean of debt I have amassed to the Lord. And even now He showers me in His love and peace and by the ministry of angels.

Add to this the sacrifice of His son and the suffering of the Savior on my behalf. This blessing breaks the bank. It is the great and final trump that surpasses all other blessings. Without it, I am lost and damned. With it, I have the potential to be like my Savior. Yes, in this, he has bought whatever was mine of myself.

I am hyper aware of what I owe. And yes, some debts you never can pay back. Some debts you can only try to pay forward.

Suzi Hyte Fundraiser

For those of you living in Las Vegas, I want to encourage you to do a little early Christmas shopping tomorrow. I grew up here in Las Vegas. When we moved back, we moved back into my parents home as they were in Africa serving a 2 year mission. That meant moving back to our home ward. The bishop of that ward is a man I have known my whole life. He and his lovely wife had 4 girls then 2 sons and at last a little girl again. I grew up with these kids and was friends with their 4th daughter all my growing up years. 

Their youngest daughter is Suzanne, or Suzi. She is an amazing young woman. Shortly after we moved back to Vegas, Suzi was diagnosed with cancer. She had just started her first year of law school. She had to postpone her studies to undergo chemo for 6 months. The chemo worked though and she was able to start law school again the next fall. As the first semester ended, she found out the cancer had returned. This time the treatments were far more aggressive. She spent months in Salt Lake City getting treatments there.

She has completed her treatments now and is cancer free right now but her lungs have been severely damaged and her medical bills are ... well I am sure we can all imagine. Through all this she is still pursuing her law degree. I have done law school. I know how hard it is. Doing it with cancer... I am telling you, she is amazing. Even more inspiring is how optimistic and humble Suzi has been throughout this trial. Her attitude is one I try to emulate. She is one of my heroes. 

So some of the good people in my home ward have organized an event as a fund raiser to help with her medical bills. I hope those of you local to the area will support it however you can.

I will be there shopping myself and if you see me there please come say hello even if I don't know you. I love meeting those of you who have silently supported me through this blog. Hope to see you there!

Pre-Christmas Shopping Party 

Thursday, October 9^th  6:30 – 8:30

American Heritage Academy

6126 S Sandhill Rd. #C 

Las Vegas, NV89120

Come shop at companies such as The Pampered Chef, Mary Kay, Avon, Premiere Jewlrey, Heritage Makers, Longaberger, Modbe, Scentzy Candles, Tastefully Simple and more .  There will also be  holiday decor on sale and a raffle. 

 

PROCEEDS FROM THIS EVENT WILL GO TO THE SUZANNE HYTE SUPPORT CONTRIBUTION FUND

If you cannot make the event but would like to donate to the Fund you can do so at her website HERE.

Weekend Update

Here I am sitting at my desk listening. In the distance I hear the sounds of happy playing children. It is one of my favorite sounds. I sent them up to get ready for bed and read books. They are definitely not reading. I should go up there and do some discipline. But tonight I just want to listen to them. Just for a little bit longer.

We had a wonderful vacation to conference. I so enjoyed getting to know my cousin Becky's family better as we camped out at her house. My kids loved playing with their second cousins and didn't want to leave. 

Friday night we met Molly and Vic and Tiffany and Cobe for dinner. Both these couples have lost children recently. It has been 5 months or so for Molly and less than 2 weeks for Tiffany. It was so great to meet them. There is a comfort in being with others who really know. Plus, Jon and I have really liked the other couples we have met who have suffered a similar loss. 

Attending conference was a spiritual event complete with a feast. Elder Holland ... well I just feel sorry for anyone who has to speak after him. His was the only talk that had me in tears, though many others touched and instructed me.

Thanks to my friend Catherine and her family for the tickets for Saturday morning. We had wonderful seats and a delicious lunch, made by her mother, in her dad's office at the Church Office Building afterward. It was a marvelous experience.

Sunday we watched conference from my parents cabin. I haven't ever been there in the fall and it was breathtaking. I only wish we had more time there. I have had such a string of really feeling emotionally well. It is encouraging. 

Well, there is silence upstairs now. That is either a really good or a really bad sign. I suppose I better go investigate.  Off I go.

A Scare

This morning just after breakfast I was in the office working and I heard a funny coughing sort of noise coming from the kitchen. I called out "are you alright?" Then I heard the running of little feet. 

Lauren emerged from the hall silent and with a face of terror. Her hand was raised to her throat. She slipped on the tile floor as she turned to run to me. She fell with a thud to the ground. The fall was a blessing because it dislodged the object in her throat enough that she began to cry. Still the object was not cleared. She began gagging over and over. 

She was eating a chewable vitamin C pill. Only she hadn't chewed. With a bit of water it moved down enough to stop her gagging. She was traumatized by the event until the pill finally moved all the way down to her belly about 2 hours later. 

There were a few moments of terror in all of our hearts this morning. We were once again reminded at how easily life can be taken from this world. We were also reminded that we have angels watching over us, tripping us up when necessary for our own good. And we were reminded that God does not allow children to die when it is not their appointed time. 

All of us in this family have felt the gratitude we ought to for life and the protection of a loving God today. Life is not always easy but it is always a gift worth treasuring. 

General Conference

I am out of town then this weekend to attend the General Conference for my church in Salt Lake City. If you want to watch what will be inspiring me this weekend you can watch online HERE. I will post again on Monday when I return. 

Till then may I share a favorite conference tradition in my little family. I would also love to hear your favorite conference tradition if you are LDS. If you are not LDS, consider tuning in or watching some on the internet. How often do you get to hear a man who 13 million people believe to be prophet like Moses of old speak to the world? Look for talks by Thomas S. Monson if you want to hear the current prophet. See his photo below.

I believe he is the Lord's mouthpiece on the earth today to give guidance and direction to us. I will be seeking the Spirit of the Lord to confirm that truth to me while I listen to him speak. I hope all of you will be seeking for that same Spirit to confirm truth to you as you listen as well.

Our conference tradition is to make homemade cinnamon rolls for Sunday morning. I also print out activity packets for the kids and have them draw pictures or write notes about 3 things each speaker says. What are your conference traditions?

Camille Bracelet

My best friend Emily has created this beautiful bracelet in memory of Camille. She is going to donate all the proceeds from the sale of this bracelet to the LDS Humanitarian Fund in memory of Camille.

The Humanitarian Fund is one of the charities to which we asked people to send donations in lieu of flowers. For those of you unfamiliar with this fund, may I tell you what I know about it.  Since 1985, the fund has given relief to 19 million people in 163 nations. Aid is given regardless of cultural or religious boundaries.

My parents have volunteered as humanitarian missionaries for this program, paying their own way to live half way around the world and administer this relief. They spent 18 months in Serbia. There they gave much needed relief to the refugees in Bosnia. They gave out clothing and supplies. In their 24 months in Kenya, they distributed NICU equipment, mosquito nets to prevent malaria, newborn kits, books for school children and they helped natives to build wells bringing fresh water to their villages.

Water is a major issue in Africa and so many women have to walk to the water hole, where the animals bathe and drink, to get the water for their family for the day. Women are killed by crocs hiding in the water. Children die from the illnesses they get from the bacteria in the water.

My parents had the villagers help build the wells and then the humanitarian fund paid for the machinery to pump the water up from the ground to bring fresh water. This gave the villagers a feeling of ownership in the well as they helped dig it. They are then taught to maintain and care for it. 

I know the money in the humanitarian fund is well used. I saw it first hand when I visited my parents in Africa for two weeks. I really appreciate all of you who have made donations to the fund. We have received many, many letters from LDS Philanthropies informing us of your donations and your messages of love.

On behalf of Camille, our family and all those that will be helped by those donations, I say THANK YOU.

So please go visit my friend Emily’s site and buy a Camille bracelet. The money will be going to a great cause in Camille’s name. Her website can be found at www.adorn-jewelry.blogspot.com. Go check it out and buy a bracelet for every little girl you know. 

In memory of Camille Kathleen Waite

April 19, 2007 - June 15, 2008

Blue Cats Eye beads as blue as Camille’s beautiful eyes.

Swarovski crystals sparkle like Camille’s personality and reflect the light she still brings into this world. 

Pearls as pure and white as her soul, too pure for this earth, fit for heaven. 

Hearts of love linking Camille together with her family beyond the grave in an unbroken chain of faith and love and covenants.

Child size: $22