Here I am sitting at my desk listening. In the distance I hear the sounds of happy playing children. It is one of my favorite sounds. I sent them up to get ready for bed and read books. They are definitely not reading. I should go up there and do some discipline. But tonight I just want to listen to them. Just for a little bit longer.
We had a wonderful vacation to conference. I so enjoyed getting to know my cousin Becky's family better as we camped out at her house. My kids loved playing with their second cousins and didn't want to leave.
Friday night we met Molly and Vic and Tiffany and Cobe for dinner. Both these couples have lost children recently. It has been 5 months or so for Molly and less than 2 weeks for Tiffany. It was so great to meet them. There is a comfort in being with others who really know. Plus, Jon and I have really liked the other couples we have met who have suffered a similar loss.
Attending conference was a spiritual event complete with a feast. Elder Holland ... well I just feel sorry for anyone who has to speak after him. His was the only talk that had me in tears, though many others touched and instructed me.
Thanks to my friend Catherine and her family for the tickets for Saturday morning. We had wonderful seats and a delicious lunch, made by her mother, in her dad's office at the Church Office Building afterward. It was a marvelous experience.
Sunday we watched conference from my parents cabin. I haven't ever been there in the fall and it was breathtaking. I only wish we had more time there. I have had such a string of really feeling emotionally well. It is encouraging.
Well, there is silence upstairs now. That is either a really good or a really bad sign. I suppose I better go investigate. Off I go.
13 comments:
Stephanie,
You don't know me, however a few months ago, a friend of mine found your blog and mentioned it on hers. I have since peeked in from time to time and have just been so impressed with your family's strength. As a fellow member of the Church, I have been strengthened by reading your words and feeling of your testimony. As my family watched conference this weekend, I found myself thinking of you, someone who I have never even met, hoping that you were lifted up by the words spoken by our leaders. Thank you for inspiring me.
How bizarre, the previous comment mirrors mine almost perfectly. I too am a fellow peeker. I spent conference weekend in a cabin basement watching and thinking of you. I just want you to know that I see my children differently now after reading your experiences. I am less harsh. I anger more slowly. I have slowed down a little and play with my kids. I think it a miracle that your little Camille has changed hearts and been an enormous force for good in families you've never heard of. As I write this fact, my eyes have teared up and I am grateful for you and for her. Keep sharing. It matters.
Oh, the sound of children playing is heavenly music to my ears. I'm so glad you took time to enjoy it. And I agree--unexpected silence is a mystery that needs to be solved. :)
Stephanie, I love how your blog entries have become more and more positive in the past few weeks. I can see from reading them that you have an immense amount of inner strength and are going to be just fine in the end.
God Bless you and your sweet family.
I kept thinking of you while watching Conference and wondering what touched you. I have been wanting to ask if you still have fear, if you life in fear or if you live with more bravery because the worst has happened. I read the post about having a scare and so that tells me you still fear for your children but what about in other aspects of your life?
I was able to attend the afternoon session of conference, where Elder Holland gave his talk on angels. I have to admit, that the whole time I thought of Molly, you and other's who have lost their children. I was silently praying that it would bring you some measure of peace. I was in tears as well, and comforted by the fact that angels are among us, and minister to us daily. Thank you for sharing your testimony.
Stephanie,
You don't know me. I, too, really loved this last conference. It is great to hear the inspired words of our leaders, and I felt like many of them were just for me.
I have also loved keeping up with you over the summer; you seem to have had an amazing strength through all of this.
My own trials are far different from yours, and may seem trivial to many, especially by comparison. My husband and I have struggled financially for our entire marriage, whether it be from lay-offs or just inadequate pay. He is currently working a commission-only job. Sometimes things are great, but more often it is a fight which seems to never end and never yield a benefit. We have creditors calling us daily. He has prayed about it and feels certain that he should stick with this line of work. I believe that he is right, but it's been hard. I have prayed about whether I should go to work, but feel strongly that I should stay home and take care of my family. I can only hope, and I pray daily, that things will improve. But some days this is so difficult. We have struggled with this and prayed about it for years. Now our house is on the line. We have family who would take us in, but they wouldn't be nice about it. They have made it plain that they think the work my husband is pursuing is foolish.
We pray daily for an increase, but have seen nothing yet. I believe God answers prayers, and I don't think He just has a thing against me. So I wonder if my faith is so little--wavering "like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed"--that the things I want can't be manifest. How do I keep believing? I do keep hoping--is that enough?
It must be strange for you to have so many people looking to you for spiritual strength and answers to their problems. Sorry to unload to a stranger, but as I said, I can't really turn to my family in this instance.
Back to conference: I listen to it daily via my computer. It is the only thing that keeps me distracted enough to afford me some peace. How wonderful it is to have such a blessing!
Thanks for sharing with all of us.
With love.
"I always wanted to invent something that would move around & make funny noises & would change the world as we know it & I forgot all about that until we had kids & now I see I came pretty close."
~~~Brian Andreas~~~
I really enjoyed conference. It was very uplifting, and gave me great hope in the things to come and in life in general. I did find myself thinking about you during conference. I am glad you found strength and emotional wellness. So many great talks.
I am also a follower of your blog and I have always wanted to tell you that you are an inspiration. I love how you talk about the Savior and wanted to let you know reading your testimony has helped me try to become a better person in my trials. My family has been also dealing with a trial; the judgements coming from others is a trial in itself and has been difficult for me. Your words have helped me remember only one thing matters.. family. Your words have helped me to become a better sister and a better member of this church and I want to thank you for that!
Your spirit and the spirit of your blog has helped me to be more open about the gospel on my own blog hoping that it may help anyone who happens to stumble upon it.
Thank you for your testimony and strength.
To anonymous,
I did feel the 2 seconds of terror any mother would feel seeing her child chocking, however I would not say I live in fear. Actually I have far less fear of losing a child now than I did before Camille died. I think I have posted about this in a post on Fear and Love.
In other aspects of my life -- I am not a fearful person by nature. Things have always worked out in the end for me even if the journey has been hairy. I have been in lots of seemingly hopeless situations where the Lord has always supported and in the end helped me. Things haven't always gone the way I wanted but even the hard times have been for my benefit in the eternal perspective.
So I rarely have much fear in my life. The times I do feel fear are brief because I mentally reason them out and replace them with faith.
I was looking forward to seeing your thoughts on conference. During Elder Holland's talk I actually thought of you and your family. Life is never easy but you & Jon are examples of pressing onward and lighting darkened paths with the light of Christ.
Stephanie,
What did you think about Elder Worthlin's talk-I have never heard of the Principle of Compensation before; that's when I thought of you. I listened/watched in online until I could get the quote typed correctly.
“The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those that love the Lord will be added unto them in his own way. While it may not come at a time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned 100 fold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.”
I hope you like that.
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