Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A New Phase

I feel like I am moving into a new phase of this grieving process. In pregnancy, there are three trimesters. For some very unlucky women, all three of these are filled with serious illness. For other very lucky women, there is little illness or pain involved in the pregnancy process. For most, the first trimester is plagued by fatigue and nausea and/or vomiting. But the second trimester proves to be a reprieve from these ailments. 

That is how my pregnancies have always gone. And it is similar to how I have felt in this grieving process. The first months were so filled with pain and sorrow. Now I have just finished my fourth month. And while I know that I am a different person and my life will never be the same, I feel strength coming back to me again. I feel more able to pull my own weight and more able to solid in my footing. I am not back 100% but I have hope that one day I will get there and maybe even be stronger for the experience.  

Now, for most pregnant women the last 3 months of pregnancy is uncomfortable, taxing and sometimes downright painful. I know that has been more and more true for each of my pregnancies. I don't expect by any stretch of the imagination that I am out of the woods yet. I am sure the months of April through Aug. next year will be difficult. But I hope just as pregnancy yields wonderful blessings, I hope this most painful journey will prove equally as rewarding.

If nothing else, my experience and understanding as a human being is far richer and of a greater breadth than I ever imagined it would be. Geez and I am only finished with one trimester of life too. Who knew one could experience so much in one trimester?


my stay-at-home-momma drama said...

You provide so much strength and wisdom. I continue to be amazed every day. Every person who has ever lost a child could benefit from reading your words.

Rach said...

Nice analogy, Steph. It makes sense.


Lauren said...

Good luck with the oncoming trimesters. And remember that you have people thinking about you and praying for you all the time!

Carolyn said...

Love you Stephanie!

Stephanie said...

Another great analogy! Thank you! I am glad to hear you feel stronger--I bet you are stronger than you realize. To each of us who watch this process from the outside, you are an amazing example of strength. I continue to marvel at your faith and I too am strengthened by this experience through watching you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Stephanie. I've been following your blog since sometime in July and have been meaning to leave you a comment to let you know for, well, a few months now. I don't know why it took me so long.
First off I want to tell you how deeply sorry I am for the loss of your sweet little baby. My heart has ached for you and I have cried with you through your mourning process, while I've read your blog.
I've been so inspired by your ability to bring so much good to the world from such an amazingly difficult trial. You are truly someone who understands the Plan of Salvation.
Reading your blog has been wonderful for me in so many ways. It inspires me, lifts me up, and makes me want to be a better person, to name a few. However I wanted to tell you what's stood out as the strongest point of good that's come in my life from following your posts.
I wanted to send you this in an email, and could have sworn you'd posted your address before, but after scanning over a few pages I never saw it. I don't know why I wanted to send a direct email, I guess I felt like a comment might get a little lost in the masses. At any rate, this will have to do.
I'm a single LDS girl, and I've been dating an LDS guy off and on for almost a year. A few months ago he took a great job opportunity that caused him to move about 1500 miles away. I went through many different stages of feelings with the (completely unforeseen) news of these events. Things moved really quickly, and he was gone within six weeks of initially being contacted. I struggled with this so much.
I feel a little embarrassed, writing to you about my dating life, as it seems so petty in the grand scheme of things, however you strike me as the type of person who doesn't see "petty trials" just trials we all have to work through.
Anyway, I've learned so much from you, the main thing being God is in control, and has a more broad perspective than we do. We need to live our lives according to His will, and if we strive for what He would have us do, we will be so much happier than if we try to control our lives.
Once I really learned to grasp that concept I was brought so much peace with the decision of this man to leave. I was able to see it truly was the right thing for him to do, and best thing for us. At this point neither of us knows what will happen with us. Some days are really hard, however, when I keep my eye on the big picture and really focus on how much my Heavenly Father loves me it brings so much peace to my heart.
I just wanted to thank you for helping me get to this point. It's helped me avoid so much extra heartache.
I'm sorry to have taken up so much space on a comment.
My prayers continue to be with you and your family.
Thank you so much for all you do for so many people.

Anonymous said...

What an insightful analogy. I'm so glad you're feeling stronger!

Jenna said...

I have read your blog since Camilles death. Daily I have been amazed at what insight, faith, love, and strength you possess. What a light you have been to so many, in your darkest hours. I have learned so much from you. A week ago, as I put my 17 month old to sleep, she had a seizure and stopped breathing. The ambulance ride to the hospital seemed like a dream. I remember thinking this is what it feels like to think you are losing a child. The fear was overwhelming as I heard the firefighters say she's not breathing. The words from your blog rang clear through my head. If it was her time then I must accept God's will. If others could endure then so could I. She ended up 5 days in the ICU, and the nurses would tell me to sing to her. The song I sang was the one you wrote for Camille, and that was the only song she would ever respond to. I felt the spirit with us when I sang it to her. She is ok now, and I take to heart everything you have said and I will never be the same person again. Thank you for helping me in my greatest time of need. Much love to you and my prayers continue to be with you and your sweet family.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I just heard about your blog today and just had to leave a comment. I don't know you, but have read all about Camille and it really has changed me. My little boy is her age and I have been thinking about her all day. Your story is incredible and I really appreciate all your insight.

You are such a strong and amazing person! Your blog has made me want to be a better mom to my two little boys and to spend more time with them every day. As I was reading your blog I thought of a neat poem that I'm sure you've already heard, but wanted to post it just in case. It was written in honor of those who have been affected by the loss of a baby. I've modified it for you and Camille:

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
Camille was just so perfect
There was no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here.
She meant the world to all of us
And I really need her near.

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see her beautiful smile
And with other children say

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come back here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who has so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your baby is okay.
Your little Camille is here in My home
And this is where she'll stay.

She'll wait for you in heaven
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
She'll be here waiting for you.

Oh the joy you two will have
As you embrace and hug so tight.
You'll never be apart again
And all will be alright.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you've had so much of
Right from the very start.

Anonymous said...

Even as you enter your "new phase," know that I am still thinking and praying for you and your family. Many nights I lay in bed thinking of your family, and hoping peace is with you.

Cardalls said...

I haven't ever commented on your blog, but I come here when I need a shift in perspective to what is most important in life. Thank you for your honesty, openness and eloquence in expressing your feelings. I too live in Las Vegas and really admire you.

Bethany said...

Hi Stephanie,

I just wanted to comment and let you know about this website: http://www.october15th.com/. I know that your situation merits something different than what this website is, but I thought you may find it interesting. I have a sister who had to have her very healthy baby delivered via c-section at 20 weeks because of complications with her anatomy, he had to be born and die, in order for her to live. Our family has struggled with this for months since it happened in January, and your blog is comforting to read. Anyways, I thought you may find the idea of that website interesting and possible light a candle in your own home for Camille at 7 p.m. Thanks for being an inspiration.

Anonymous said...

I cannot deal with my own pain today. I have been to the temple, read my scriptures, say my prayers, but the pain is so intense it seems unbearable. What do you do when you can't escape the inner pain that is so consuming? Today is just too hard.

April said...

Beautifully written. Life is full of blessings.