SNOW!!!

Last night I dreamt we were at the cabin in July and as we drove down the road suddenly there was snow everywhere. People were skiing and sledding and playing. The best part was that it wasn't cold outside and the snow wasn't cold. It was about 6 inches deep and I wanted so much to just get busy playing in it. I was with my parents in the car and I told them, "We HAVE to go get Annie from the Cabin!!!"

They went to go get her and I ... well, I played in the snow. 

This morning I woke up with that dream still vivid in my mind and with genuine hope and excitement. This is the first morning since the accident that I can honestly say that. Here is the reason why:

My Snow Angels!

Rachel and Elizabeth, two of my sister in laws, are in town! We are doing fun activities with the kids and enjoying lots of girl time. We are enjoying the "Christmas in July" season. I love these women. I am so excited to have them in town. 

So, determined to ride the high I am feeling as long as possible, we packed up the cousins and headed to the water park. My friend Catherine joined us and brought some fun cups to put on the water spouts. We had fun getting wet and watching the cups fly.

Here is cousin Berk in the foreground putting cups on the spouts. Cousin Stella, Annie and I are trapped in the back waiting for the fountains to stop so we can put cups on too.

Here are Annie, me, and Lauren after we have been playing in the water fountains.

Family time is so fun ... well at least for some of us. I don't think Charlotte or Hugh were enjoying themselves in this photo below. I was having a great time though. I know Camille would be proud of her Mama for finally having a real "living" day. A sort of "snow" day in the middle of the summer.

Thanks to Elizabeth for taking the photos and for letting me use her big old camera to take the photo of her and Rachel.

Christmas in July

The Cabin at the Riverbend

This weekend we escaped the Las Vegas heat to spend a day in the Utah mountains at my parents cabin. My two older girls are going up this coming weekend for a "cousin's camp." Annie and I had an interesting conversation about this.

"So mom, when are we coming for cousin's camp?" Annie asks.

"We go home tomorrow," I reply. "Then we will be at home for 3 days. Then you will come back with your cousins."

Annie gets an excited look on her face and asks, "So mom when we come back for cousin's camp, will there be SNOW???"

I laughed a little and said "No, honey. It is summer. There won't be snow."

A crushed look came over Annie's face. She is by far my most dramatic child. "But Mama, I love the snow. I want to play in the snow. When will there be snow?"

"It has to be winter for the snow to come," I explain. "It won't be till about Christmas."

"But that will never come. That is SOOO far away. I hate summer. I want it to be winter so we can play in the snow and drink hot chocolate."

A light dawns in my head. Here I am in the Father's role and here is my sweet child in mine.

"I know it seems like a long way away, honey," I say tenderly. "There is a time and a season for all things and this is not the season for snow."

"But I like the snow so much more, Mama," Annie pleads.

"I know. I know. But sometimes we have to wait for things that we love. Sometimes we have to wait what seems like forever and it feels like it will never come," I explain. "But it will come. The snow will come. Christmas will come. It may not feel like it right now but it will come. We must have patience until then. In the meantime there are so many things to do here in the summer that we can't do in the winter. In the winter we can't throw rocks in the river. We can't play outside without coats and mittens in the winter. You need to go do the things you can only do in the summer now."

"I still like the winter better," she says. She is disappointed.

"I know honey," I say with sincere empathy. "I know."

I remember how far away Christmas felt when I was a child. It seemed like another world away. I feel like that now. The day I will see my daughter again seems like it is so incredibly far away. I know it will come, just as Christmas always did, but it still seems so far away. 

This little talk with Annie has made me want very much to appreciate this "summer" time in my life more. This is going to take great effort. As a part of that effort, I want to share some of my favorite things or moments that made me smile recently. 

Welcome to my own personal Christmas in July! 

Top ten happy moments today:

10) Seeing an old friend and roommate at church in Duck Creek this morning. Hi Nann!

9) Singing along with the "How Does He Know" song from Enchanted with my kids.

8) Annie coming in to my room while I was crying to inform me that I was invited to come to the "fancy restaurant" in the kitchen for the fine dining Daddy dinner of chicken nuggets.

7) Lauren informing her Dad that she was putting herself to bed.

6) Blog comments 

5) Talking to my husband on the way home in the car about how we can keep our family close as our kids grow up.

4) Silly girls laughing hysterically at each other and at the movie in the car on the way home.

3) A giant hug from my mom and a teary "I love you and am so proud of you," as we said goodbye leaving the cabin. (OK that one made me cry more than smile but it was still a great moment.)

2) The arrival of my brother Morgan and sister-in-law Elizabeth and their wonderful kids to stay the week at our house.

1) Email from Brittany, my new friend who lost her son Daxton the same week Camille drowned.  You can see her blog here. It is wonderful to have friends on this journey through grief to walk step by step with you in the same shoes. Her emails make me smile through my tears. Love to you Britt!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!

A Response to Vera

The last comment I read was from "Vera" somewhere in Europe.  I will quote her comment here.

"I haven't commented before, because I never really knew how to find words that might comfort you. I don't have kids, but as a sister I can imagine the pain your kids are going through. I wasn't sure how you might think about the fact that even people in Europe found your blog and thus hesitated to leave a comment. I used to say that I am not a very religious person, but I think reading your blog during the last couple of weeks has changed the religious aspect. Thank you :-)"

I am thrilled that people in Europe have found this blog. I know there have been visitors from Japan, Germany, England, Ecuador, Argentina, Australia, Africa and Canada. These are just the countries I have noticed. I love that so many have found this blog. Every person who comes to this blog gets to meet and get to know a bit of my daughter Camille.  She only lived just shy of 14 months on this Earth. Most of that time was spent at home and with me on errands.  

I have traveled extensively. I have met so many interesting and wonderful people from all over the world in my thirty three years on the Earth. Had Camille lived a long full life. She too would have been well traveled. It is a priority of mine and my husband's to see the world and know its peoples. I feel as if this blog allows Camille to meet all the people she could have met in a long full life.

As for knowing the words to comfort me -- you gave me the greatest comfort words can give by telling me this blog has increased your faith. I hope that my writing and Camille's sweet loving spirit that comes through to all who read will increase all of our faith in God. Whatever religion you are, I hope you will feel closer to the Almighty Creator. 

I believe Camille is helping people get whatever message they need most from these writings. For some it is to cherish their children even more. For others it is to find out more about life before birth and after death. For some it is to help them let go of pain, regret, and grudges. For all, I believe Camille wants you to feel the love the Lord has for you and for your children. She and I both want to turn your heart in any measure possible closer to Him. 

I hope many all over the world will read this blog and that Camille will help them find the inspiration they need and are ready to receive. 

Insomnia

I have sleeping issues. I have always had a very hard time falling asleep. Once I am asleep I stay asleep but falling asleep ... well let's just say I am well acquainted with the night. This is apparently a genetic thing. My dad has the same issue and so does a brother of mine. I have two kids who have a hard time falling asleep. One of them stays in her bed waiting to fall asleep. The other ... not so much.

Since the accident, I try to keep my mind occupied until I am so tired I know I will quickly fall asleep. Otherwise, I end up getting too weepy in my bed. My little Ann Marie has been feeling this too. She has wanted to be close to us as she falls asleep. Nearly every night the first two weeks and many nights since, I have laid down beside her while she fell asleep.

This is not something I normally would do. I know some moms stay with their kids till they fall asleep every night. I am not that mom. My kids can be awake for hours just sitting in the dark waiting to fall asleep. So can I. Usually I let them read in their beds if they don't feel tired yet. This is far less boring for us all.

Still, under the circumstances, I have laid with her many nights. And I have been trying to wean her off that need to have me close for her to sleep. In the last couple of weeks we have found her asleep in some fairly unique places or positions.

Here she was just out of my sight at the bottom of the stairs on the hard tile sound asleep with her bear "Gigan" and her blankie. Doesn't this just look so uncomfortable?

Jon captured this photo a few nights back. It just about broke my heart. She had been down to see us downstairs and we could tell she was tired so we sent her back up to bed. She made it to the top step, and not wanting to be where she couldn't hear us, she knelt down and fell asleep.

Sabrina and Ann Marie share a room. They do each have their own beds, however. Sabrina says she can't sleep without Annie in the room. Annie loves to be covered in animals and close to her sister.

This was after we came home from a night out and relieved the babysitter. Sabrina is a deep and crazy sleeper. She travels all over the bed in the night. Annie got wise here and chose to sleep in the pillows next to Sabrina's bed. Annie must have been missing Camille. That is Camille's favorite soft and silky blanket she is cuddling (the purple one). She needed some physical contact with Sabrina to comfort her so she took her hand and held it as she fell asleep.

I guess I better go check my little insomniac now. I sent her to bed before I started this post because I could tell she was finally tired enough to fall asleep. I am getting there myself.

Sleep is a beautiful thing. It is the one place I can go and rest my sorrowed soul. In dreams anything is possible. In dreams, I can see my daughter and hold her and play with her. In dreams, I can see her flying though the air being tossed between her Uncle Aaron and and her Daddy. In dreams, I too can fly.

Too Many Thank Yous

I just had a visit from two lovely women. I had never met them before. They were from the Neighborhood Church. They came to deliver a beautiful large basket and card of condolence. One of them recently lost her husband in a motorcycle accident a couple of blocks from her home. 

These loving women told me their congregation has been praying for our family. I am touched by how many are praying for us. I can literally feel the lift of those prayers. I know the Lord listens to all prayers no matter how we pray. He is no respecter of persons.

When we lived in California, I worked in the community relations area of our church there. In that calling, I met and befriended so many good people of a variety of faiths. It is so encouraging to see the world still has so many good people who are striving to follow the Saviors example. 

I want to thank you--all of you. Thank you for all your prayers for us. Thank you to all who comment and fill my inbox with love. I have been astounded that the number of people coming to this blog has increased instead of decreased with time. I even feel the love from the silent stalkers. Stalk away. Sharing my story spreads out the sadness of it. You are mourning with we who mourn. You are following the admonition of the Lord in so doing. 

I particularly want to thank all the doers out there. I am a bit overwhelmed by the number of thank you notes I need to write. It may take me a long while to get through them and I may not even remember all of them. I am afraid my mind has been like a strainer lately. The only thoughts I have effectively been able to hold in there are those concerning Camille.

Thank you to those who have sent books. I am currently enjoying a bit of escape sent to me by a fellow book club member from California who now lives in Texas (thanks Jen). I love to read and will be making my way through the other books in time. 

Thank you for the locket. I do not personally know the woman who gave it to me, but it now holds a picture of my sweet baby and is a treasure to me. 

Thank you for the hearts, Mrs. Gallant. The girls and I treasure then. Jon says no need to worry, he isn't much of a heart or jewelry kind of guy. :)

So many of you have sent packages for the girls. I remember as a kid how exciting presents were and how happy it could make a bad day to get one. I have seen this again with my girls. These little mementos and gifts have helped distract their minds from missing their sister and given them things to help them remember her.

Thank you so much to all of you who have donated to the Humanitarian Fund or other charities in memory of Camille. These donations do make a difference in the lives of so many around the world. Jon and I saw this first hand in Africa visiting my parents there on their Humanitarian Mission there for our church.

There have been flowers and plants sent and a variety of other packages with treats and treasures, notes and drawings within. To all of you doers, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! 

And thank you to those who have sent me notecards. When I get my mind wrapped around it, I will need LOTS of thank you cards to show my appreciation.

Remember Quote

A couple of comments have asked where I got the remember quote -- it is from me. It is the voice of my true self calling out to me to remember who I am.

Remember

Well it seems the vote went overwhelmingly for the duet. But I took Molly's suggestion and with the help of our amazing producer Sean, we were able to mix a version of a little of each of us and the duet. Here it is on top of some video from Camille's one and only birthday party. She was a bit bewildered about what all the fuss was about during her party. She liked to observe when she was around lots of people.

I wonder how she must have seen the world and all of us in it through her perfect baby eyes. I wonder if I can ever be the woman she knew me to be -- the woman I was before -- the Queen I am supposed to become.

I feel her helping me now to see myself as I was, as I am, and as I ought to be. It strengthens me to know I was a valiant follower of Jesus Christ and an advocate for His plan for us to become more like our Heavenly Parents.

We all chose to follow Him. We all were on the same side. The whole human family came here with one purpose: follow the Savior, live like Him, follow His steps of repentance and baptism so we can return HOME clean and pure to live with Him and Our Father again.

We lose that vision here. We let life cloud our view. But babies, they are so fresh from heaven, surely they must still remember. Camille must have known who we all were.

I feel that bit of divinity crying out inside "Remember, Remember, keep your eye on the Plan. This is all a part of that Plan. Use your agency to draw closer to Him. You are strong. You are valiant. You are steadfast and immovable in your faith. You are His and He is with you. Live up to who you REALLY are: a descendant of incredibly strong, faithful men and women whose greatness echos in the blood that flows through your veins; a sister to siblings as valiant, strong and faithful as Captain Moroni; a mother to sweet, loving, strong daughters, a mother to an angel, a noble heir and daughter of the Almighty God. "

Remember, Remember, Remember

So You Think You Can Dance

Partners get switched up this week! I am anxious for our Wednesday party and Catherine is bringing super yummy artichoke dip.  Come join the fun at 8:45 tonight at my house.

Love you all! Thanks for all the love and prayers.  I feel it.

Stephanie

A Reason to Celebrate

I can't let this day finish out without a second scoop for a very silly girl tonight. Three years ago tonight, in a miraculous birthing experience, an angel graced our lives and joined our family as Lauren Elizabeth. Today, the 15th of July, we chose, with purpose, to celebrate THAT anniversary. 

I took Lauren to the store with me to buy the ingredients for her cake. Along the way we picked up a donut and smoothie for a birthday breakfast, a Tinkerbell birthday wishes balloon, and birthday flowers with my Lauren's Star-Gazer Lilies in the bunch. 

At home we made her birthday cake and she got to eat her favorite "ravalolis" for lunch.

In the afternoon we pumped up the giant water ball that Grandma gave Lauren for her birthday and played in the sprinkler that it spouts out. When that got too cold we warmed up in the spa with Dado.

Somehow ... Someone ... snuck a few fingers of her cake prematurely.  Hmmm. I seem to remember Ann Marie doing the same thing to her 3 year old Care Bear Cake. I think he lost his back end back then.

Soon the pizza and the neighbors and the girlies with their presents arrived. We sang, ate, played, and visited. Then we got to go to a friend's birthday who turned 3 today too.

Taking my own advice here: I love that Lauren talks so well and so much. I love that she likes to tell all of us how we need to do everything.  She tells the girls when playing hide and seek, "You hide in the bathtub and I will go count!" She wakes herself laughing in the middle of the night and when Jon rocks her to sleep she will get almost totally asleep only to start busting up laughing again in her sleep. She makes a clicking lip smacking noise when she is telling you something and pauses. She loves to pout but is easily persuaded to do what we want her to if it is made into a game. She always wants to "GO" anywhere anytime with anyone.  If someone is leaving the house she wants to be with them. She loves to answer in the affirmative by saying "SURE" instead of yes.  I am positive this is an influence of Great Grandma Harris.  I have no doubt that these two were great pals in heaven before Lauren came to our family. As Grandma would have said, "she is just a jolly little Welsh girl with eyes as big as dollars!"

I love Lauren and the laughter she brings to our family. 

Camille's Lullaby

My brother in law Spencer wrote the music and lyrics for a lullaby for Camille. He was inspired by watching Jon and I as we turned off the respirators and held Camille as she died. My mother in law Kathleen wrote the accompaniment and arranged the song. Then a friend of Spencer and Marleen's named Sean Williams who has a recording studio helped us record it. Thanks a million Sean. If anyone in Vegas needs a recording done, you should email sean at smw2785@hotmail.com. He has a great set up, great equipment and he was great to work with personally.

Jonathan and I each took a turn to sing, then we sang it together. This was ... well ... I am sure you can imagine ... NOT easy. It is one thing to stand and talk at a funeral. You can cry and talk at the same time pretty well. But singing ... singing is a whole different ball game. Singing when crying just doesn't work.

I had not been able to make it through the song once till we recorded it. Even then it took a few tries and I can tell in my voice that there are times I am struggling to keep it together. I had to put some photos to the song to upload it. Eventually, I will put this music to the photos of Camille that my sister in law took at the hospital. I haven't seen those yet. I am sure I will post that slide show once I make it. But that may be a while so until then...

Which version of the song do you like best? I can't decide which I like best. (It is okay if you don't say me. I don't take offense to things. Plus, I think my husband's voice lessons are paying off. I think his version is fantastic.)

Call me Junior

"Why was Camille's mission here on Earth so short, Mama?" Sabrina asked me yesterday on the way to church.

I like to have answers for my children's questions. When they ask why the sky is blue, I explain the science behind it in terms kids can understand. We have had discussions about germs, cells, how every part of the body works, government, history, money, the plan of salvation, repentance, the atonement, and death. Yes, we have answered a lot of questions about death lately too.

Most of the time I have a pretty good answer for all these questions. But this question, "why was Camille's mission here on Earth so short?" Well, I started with "I don't know for sure." Some things God doesn't tell us. Some things are His to know and us to not worry about but trust that He who knows all is doing right by us. 

What I could tell Sabrina about was the work her sister is doing now. I told her about this blog. I explained how I had a website like her Webkinz site where just like she could play with people far away I could write and hear from people all over the world. I told her that Camille and I are now missionary companions. This idea came to me by way of a comment by Ashley who is the younger sister of my old roommate Kami. The more I think on it and the more comments I read from all of you, the more I am impressed to agree. 

Missionaries for our church go out in twos. There is a Senior companion and a Junior companion. Now I never was able to serve a mission for our church. I always wanted to, but when I prayed about going, well, the Lord had other plans for me. In the limited experience I have had with missionaries, it always seems that the senior companion has more experience in the mission field and he or she takes the lead.

I feel humbled at the thought of being a companion in Camille's work now. I may write these words, but it is her life that has inspired them. It is her spirit that touches so many people reading them.  Just as I was allowed to see my own children through her eyes to forever change me as a mother, she is working to whisper eternal truths into the hearts and minds of so many on this earth. I rejoice in this work of hers, for ultimately it is His work. 

Thank you for the comments you send to let me know how she has touched your life. These comments help me to feel the power and the purpose of her work. We may be separated in body but we are united in our mission and purpose. I have never felt closer to her than I do right now. I am learning from her everyday. I am humbled and happy to be her junior companion.

First Aid

I teach the 14 and 15 year old girls at church. This week the assigned lesson is on overcoming sorrow, opposition, and disappointment. I know. How timely huh? The teacher usually gets more out of any lesson than the students so this one is well timed for me. 

In the lesson there are suggestions for overcoming sorrow and disappointment taken from a talk by Elder Benson in Oct. 1974. He lists 12 tactics one can use to help overcome sorrow. In the lesson, we are suggested to remind the girls that "many problems may require only one or two of these solutions."

As a visual for my lesson, I am likening emotional pain and sorrow to physical injury. I have taken a first aid kit I have at home and labeled the contents with the 12 tactics. The tools correspond in some way to their label. For instance, "Friends" are on the band aids because good ones stick to you and they come in a variety with different friends being better for different kinds of injury. Here is a photo of some of the contents of my first aid kit.

 

As I was labeling last night, I thought how I had used ALL of these tactics recently. Many of them I have to use over and over and over again. Some wounds are more severe than even a fully stocked first aid kit can cure but when it is all you have ... At least many of these like service, fasting, prayer, work, and friends provide temporary relief while the body heals itself.

This has been a difficult weekend.  Since that last interview I have not been doing well at living in the present. My mind has been going too much to the past. I need to be more strict with my mind about that. There is no good that can come from dwelling on the painful events of the past. 

I was talking to Jon last night about whether we are out of the "vaseline" stage yet (where it feels like you are living your life in a giant tub of vaseline). We both agreed we are out of the vaseline but still in a thick fog. Sometimes the fog is thicker than other times. Sometimes it even clears up for a bit. But it still returns to cloud our minds and make us feel far away.

I was thinking last night in the Temple that the veil of forgetfulness we have when we come to this world is such a blessing because I am sure if we could remember just how much we love our Heavenly parents and our older brother Jesus Christ, we would not be able to be here. It would hurt too much to be separated from them in any degree.

A Thousand Words

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, I think I will use some pictures to help answer the question someone posted in a comment asking how my kids are doing then. Otherwise this would be a really long post about how incredible my children are.

Ann and Sabrina after the funeral at my parents house in their spa

Here I will note that these are all daytime pictures. Just as the nights are harder for me, they are harder for these two smiling bathing beauties above.

Lauren on the 4th of July at my parents house

Lauren is her silly, happy, giggly self. She understands that Camille is with Jesus and not coming back but that we will see her again when we go to be with Jesus and Camille someday. She doesn't like "diving" and misses playing with Camille because Camille is her "best fwend." Still she is happy even when she talks about missing Camille and wanting to play with her.

Sabrina after the funeral at my parents house on the slip and slide

Going back to school has been good for Sabrina. It keeps her mind occupied and she is happy most of the time. Once in a while she gets sad and wraps herself up in the "magic blanket" (see earilier post) and comes to me for rockies. "I just want to hold Camille again," she says. I tell her "me too." We go into Camille's room and look at her pictures and talk about stories about her and then she feels better remembering her happy little sister.

Ann Marie having fun on the slip and slide after the funeral

Ann Marie has a big heart that she tries to hide from most. She was used to being home all day with Camille and misses her being around to play with. She is happiest being busy and playing. She too uses the "magic blanket" to comfort herself and then comes to me for extra comfort when she needs it. She is still having trouble sleeping. She actually has always had trouble sleeping but this has made it worse. I have to lay by her now till she falls asleep. I don't mind this though because she is as much a comfort to me as I am to her.

Jon is doing well. He has his waves of grief like I do but he is working all day and has to focus on that. Work is a good distraction for him. He has also discovered Wii-therapy. Anyone got good suggestions on the best Wii games for him? He has been playing lots of Wii sports and Super Mario Galaxy and Wii Play with the kids. It takes his mind off things and gives him a break from stock market stress too.

As for me, well. I think I will let this picture speak for me.

Me watching my older kids,

my niece Aubrey (Camille's closest cousin)

and my brother in law Spencer at my parents house on the 4th of July.

A Hard Days Night

I just needed a sweet picture of my baby girl at the top of my blog today. Yesterday was a hard day. We had what I hope will be our final interview with officials about Camille's death.  This time it was Child Protection Services.  I had to walk the guy through the last hour before I found Camille and the hour just after. I made it through the interview alright but reliving that experience again for him stirred the storm of sorrow within.

When the night came, the winds picked up.  I heard them howling loudly outside as they whipped mercilessly around our house. I felt their fury in my soul as I struggled to find a shelter within. In the darkness of the night with the humidity swelling the doors and sticking them to their frames, I felt the swelling of my sorrow as the tears fell lifeless on my pillow. 

Sometimes, it is best to put off the sorrow and give in the exhaustion it brings. Sleep is sometimes our greatest inner shelter. In it we can find healing. I wish I were gifted with the ability to fall asleep quickly and easily. The storms kept me up last night. Irrational fears flashed like lightening in my mind waking me just before I could fully embrace the safety of unconsciousness. 

I considered taking a sleeping pill to aid me in my quest for relief, but then, in my next attempt, the exhaustion overcame the storm within and I slept, soundly. 

The winds are lighter this morning but the damage they caused is present and there is cleaning up to do. There are memories to put back in their place. There are questions to sweep away. There are concerns to rationalize into their proper order. There is work to be done.

God's house is a house of order and I must put order back in mine.

Blame

Someone asked in a comment about if I ever blame myself. I decided to answer that question because I know people well enough to know that most people want to know the answer to it even if they do not ask. Also, and more importantly, I hope my answer will help someone out there in similar shoes to mine.

Let me start with a story. It may not even be a true story. But it is a story I had heard third hand some years ago that inspired me. Years ago there was a man in my parents ward who went on a scout trip with my brothers and father. The story goes that he had in his youth been out hunting with his dad (or some other activity that included a gun) and that the gun he was holding misfired and the shot fired hit and killed his dad. So on this scout trip with my brothers someone asks this man how he was able to grow up normal and well adjusted after such an event and did he ever feel like he was responsible. His answer was no. He knew it was his dad's time to go and the gun in his hand was just a tool the Lord used to take him.

Okay so I don't know if that is a true story or not but hearing that years ago I thought, "Wow. That is so wise and true. What an incredible person to see it like that." Since hearing that story I have heard my fair share of babies drowning or accidentally dying stories and thought each time, "Gee I hope that mother can see this accident the way that man did and know that it was not her fault. You would just have to see it that way or how would you live?"

Then June 13th rolled around. Suddenly, I was that mother.  

There has never been any blame throwing in our house. I can only speak for myself in saying that there was a fight between my head and my heart about blaming myself. My head told me to be that guy. Whether the story is true or not, his response in the story was the right response, it is the true response. But, alas, I am human. And I am a mother. My mother instincts cried in agony and grief and regret that I did not better protect my child. It was a bitter duel.

I felt the sweet peaceful whisperings of the Spirit telling me that this was known to the Lord, that He knew this was coming before it happened. I had even dreamt it the night before, but I awoke with no recollection of the dream until I saw her in the spa. 

I have often said that it is a miracle any child reaches adulthood for all the accidents that can happen.  I have seen the Lord miraculously save each of my children's lives through promptings of the Spirit and sheer miracle. I really believe that the Lord helps us raise our children and helps us watch them even when we can't. This day, however, there was a total silence in the minutes before I found her.  There was no thought, no prompting, no feeling of an unsettled nature. Just silence.  

Now I may not have been at a spiritual high when this happened (a regret I had to do some repenting of in the hospital). I had been on vacation for 2 weeks prior and had slipped out of the habit of family scripture study. But, I was living worthy of the Spirit and so was my husband. Both of us were home and neither of us felt any warning voice. 

I believe I had that dream and remembered it when I saw her as the Lord's way of telling me that He knew this would happen and it was in His plan.  I felt very peaceful in the hospital once we accepted that she was not going to live. I felt like that was the will of the Lord. I felt like it was her time to go and that the spa was only a tool. Still, I wanted to KNOW it. 

I wanted an angel to appear with the message that it was her time and if it hadn't been the spa it would have been something else and possibly something worse. There are so many worse ways to die than drowning. I felt that was true but I wanted to know it.  I didn't even care who the angel was or to whom they appeared.  I just wanted to hear it from a divine source and know it with a sure knowledge.

As far as I know, no one has seen any angels with this message to give to me. But I don't feel like I really need it anymore. Other equally reliable spiritual experiences over the last couple of weeks have let me know that this was no surprise to the Lord. He could easily have prevented it and He didn't.  I know that Camille's death is serving His greater purpose. Most importantly, I know that I am clean before Him. And that is all that really matters. 

So, no, I do not blame myself or anyone else. But it was a struggle to let go of my so human mother instincts of regret and "if only." I hope in relating this that someone out there who may be holding on to blame for an accident will let it go. I hope we all can come to know that, no matter the circumstances, the Atonement can allow us to be clean before the Lord through repentance. I hope we all can realize that being clean and acceptable before the Lord really is all that matters.

Socratic Method

I had to post this today because I just thought it was so awesome.  So today we are getting a double scoop. :)

So my little 5 year old Ann Marie is incredibly bright. I have known she was bright from a very early age. I don't mean she is just able to memorize things easily. I mean she is able to put things together in her mind very quickly. I mean she taught herself how to read after I taught her the letter and sounds kind of bright. Now she reads chapter books. She has a very logical mind with an above average dose of common sense. This makes her a challenge to parent because she is just too smart to fall for many parenting techniques.

I remember once she was being naughty when she was about 18 months to 2 years old.  I told her to do something several times and she wasn't doing it.  I told her again more frustratedly and she turned to me and yelled "NO!" That was it for me.  No kid of mine was going to scream at me like that.  My face changed to that "oh no just didn't look," you know that Mad Mama look that we can get to let kids know they have crossed the line.  I do a good one and boy it came out right then. Suddenly, Annie's expression changed from one of defiance to one of calculating caution.  Then she put her hands both up in front of her, palms facing me and said in her little tiny girl voice "Mama, take a deep bweth." Of course I burst out laughing at this. 

Anyway, so today Annie and Lauren were arguing or debating about the emblem on Lauren's bathing suit.  You can see it in the picture above.  Lauren was calling it a sun and Ann was trying to correct her and let her know it was a flower.

So the dialogue goes thusly:

Annie: It is a flower

Lauren: NO It is a sun!

Annie: No Lauren it is a flower.

Lauren: NO IT IS A SUN!

Annie: Lauren, do suns have leaves?

Lauren: No.

Annie: See these green things on your suit? What are they? See they are leaves. 

Lauren: silent and looking at the leaves.

Annie: So it is a flower because flowers have leaves.

Lauren: ... thinking ... NO ... IT IS A SUN!

Mama: Maybe it is a sunflower.  

Lauren: Yes it is a SUN flower.

Okay what I LOVE about this is that my five year old just used a law school teaching technique called the Socratic method. It is a method of teaching by asking questions to help people realize your point by themselves. I just think that is awesome.  My little loving Ann Marie is AWESOME!

Comments

Okay, first I want to make it clear that I read every comment, sometimes several times over.  Actually, comments are the highlights of my days right now. I particularly gain strength from those comments that express how reading my blog has helped someone who is grieving for any reason. I also love the comments of those who feel a change in themselves after reading the blog. I LOVE knowing that people are holding their little one longer and cherishing them a little more.

I particularly love these types of comments because they give purpose and meaning to my daughter's life.  Her life was so short. Her mission was simple. She came to learn.  She came to love and be loved. She died to inspire. These comments let me know that the third part of her mission is being fulfilled beyond the walls of our home. The fact that people she never would have met in her life on this earth are inspired by the writings she has inspired with her death gives purpose to tragedy.

I particularly loved the first comment on my blank pages post.  :) That is why I married that incredible guy. He just makes me laugh.

For those of you struggling in the "blank pages," I highly recommend that recipe from Luke 2:52.  Force yourself to do something Physical (workout), Spiritual (pray, ponder and study scriptures), Mental (write or read some or exercise your brain), and Social (serve others or just get out and be with people) EVERYDAY.  It is what the Savior did and if you do it everyday it will make you happier.  It is the only way I know to claw out of the pit of sorrow.  Yesterday I had been down all day and done the social thing and the spiritual thing.  Writing that post, my mental thing, lifted me a little. Working out lifted me out of the gloom and then getting such great comments, especially the first one, and a load of wonderful mail just really helped me find joy.

Thanks for the mail, by the way.  My girls have loved the "happy mail" they have gotten and they are still opening pictures from yesterday's package from Palo Alto.  Thanks Nancy and the primary kids. Jon and I appreciate the love coming through the postal system too.  We are touched by the sentiments expressed and the many contributions to charities in Camille's name.  We know how much good and how many lives of babies are saved through the Humanitarian Fund.  We have seen it first hand in the two Humanitarian Services missions my parents have served.  THANK YOU!!!

Okay I have to go take care of kids now.  Sending out love to all you who comment and those who just read too.  I will post later today about Annie and the Socratic method.  Just no time to do it now.

P.S. Hope to see you SYTYCD fans at my house tonight @ 8:30 PM

Blank Page Day

I am a fan of the Twilight Series of books by Stephenie Meyer.  My favorite of the three books is the second book.  I know for most of my friends this is their least favorite book. But I feel like I lived that book. I was in love with a perfect guy. Our relationship was to the point of getting married or breaking up and even though we were both still in love, we just both knew that we were not meant to be together. So suddenly we broke up.

Perhaps my favorite part of that book is right after Bella and Edward break up.  There are several blank pages. Reading that book for the first time I thought "brilliant!" That is exactly what it feels like to break up with someone with whom you are in love. She went on to so accurately describe the ensuing emotions. 

Sometimes life feels like that -- turning blank pages. Today it feels like that. 

I know the recipe for getting out of this pit. Do something mental, spiritual, social, and physical everyday. I am working on those.  I have done all but the last and am headed for pilates in 10 minutes.  Still, it is still like blank pages today, going through the motions- "pretending to be normal" as another grieving mom put it.  Bella did that too - pretend to be normal.

Back after that break up so many years ago, I remember praying to at least meet the man I would marry, even if it wasn't time for us to marry yet, so that I would really know him when we did marry. That summer I met my Jacob -- Jonathan. We became great friends and he helped me through those dark days of blank turning pages. He became the main character in the story of my life as my best friend. 

Here is where my story differs from Bella's. When I had the opportunity to get back together with the old boyfriend, I realized that my feelings for Jonathan were stronger than I thought.  I preferred to be with Jonathan.  Jon didn't even like me as more than a friend, but still I preferred to be with him. Needless to say, the old flame and I did not get back together.  We both knew it still was not right and he ended up getting engaged about 6 weeks later to another lovely girl. I had them over for dinner and met her. She was perfect for him-far better for him than I ever would have been. I was happy for him to have found her.

My story took more patience.  The Lord answered my prayer and let me meet Jon that summer but the time was not right for me to marry yet.  A couple of years of friendship later, the Lord turned Jonathan's heart to me.  Eight long distance months later, we were married.

It is now Jonathan who is again wading through these blank pages with me. He knows my pain and feels it with me, but he still can make me smile.  I still prefer to be with him to anyone else. He is still my best friend and so much more. He is the only one who can reach me in these pages of silence and draw me out of the blank and into the light. How grateful I am to have been led to love the perfect man for me. 

Perspective

This is my world right now--zoomed in close, agonizing over the details. The details--be they beautiful or boring, painful or pleasant--the details are our everything. We wake in the morning with them staring us in the face and we lay our heads on our pillows at night either basking in their fullness or formulating how to survive or change them. I have heard Oprah say "love is in the details."  And so it is.  Perhaps that is why the details, the moments of life that you never forget and that form your very being, consume our constant focus. They are crucial.

There is beauty in the details--even the painful ones. It is a beauty born of love. Like mental photographs the details tell a story. These stories form the epic that is our lives. Even these epic stories of our lives are just the details, the footnotes even, in the history books of mankind. One can only imagine how our histories fit into the great scheme of the Creator's works.

Details produce the defining points of our lives.  This is one of the great defining points in my life. I write the story that will define me by how I endure the trials I face.  These are not easy days.  This story is difficult to forge.  But I believe that if I am careful and I can keep a firm mind and a heart full of love, even if it is an aching love, a thing a great beauty will emerge from these details.

Whatever our trials are in life, the gospel gives us the gift of perspective to guide us in our sorrow and affliction.  In the grand scheme of my life, this will be but a chapter.  It is hard for me to imagine a day I don't think about Camille with every breath, but I know in my head that will come. Part of me is terrified for that day to come. The better part of me refuses to live forever in this chapter. This chapter will form the rest of my story, but I hope that by the 500th page of my 1000 page life I am not still mourning the event of this too early, too sorrowful chapter of my life.

I can only hope the pain of this detail will make all the colors brighter, all the laughter heartier, all the love deeper, all the moments sweeter.  I can only hope that this defining detail will significantly impact the whole of the eternal perspective of my life for the positive. That by enduring well the Lord can make of my life a work of art.

Calling All Angels

This is the photo we choose to be on Camille's grave.  Man I miss that little face, that sweet smile, her laugh, her kisses, the way she loved to tuck her head under my chin, the little bit of chunk on her thigh that I used to pat, the annoying half scream half yell she would let out when she was frustrated. I miss it all. I just miss her. 

My sister in law Elizabeth shared this song with me. It is by Jessie Clark Funk. It pretty much hit the spot.  I put it to a video/slideshow. Give it a listen.