Nightmares

I just woke up in a panic from a terrible nightmare. It is one of many I have had recently. It seems like anytime I am allowed to sleep till I naturally wake, those last few minutes get filled in with my recurring nightmare.

It's always the same. Something terrible has happened to one of our kids. Usually the dream centers on Harrison. This one did. Usually in my nightmare he is lost or about to drown or in danger of drowning and I can't get to him. This one had all three of those in succession.

How do you shake off a nightmare when you live the reality of it everyday?

Standards Night Purity Talk

Almost 2 weeks into my studying for the Nevada bar exam and my brain hurts. :) I am hoping some of what I am learning and relearning is sticking in there somewhere. It is difficult to focus with children to tend and laundry to do and errands to run.

But slow and steady is my goal. And so far my studying has been keeping on that track.

Last night Jon and I did a Standards Night class for the youth in our church. Our subject matter was sexual purity. I think it went pretty well. It is nice to team up with my husband to accomplish something. We do work well together I think.

We used fire as an analogy for our remarks. I thought I would share the gist of what we said with you:

Fire Safety / Sexual Purity

Intro: Lets talk about FIRE. When kept within set limits and used for productive purposes, it is a beautiful tool that can both be enjoyable and beneficial to our lives. It heats our homes and our water. It cooks our food. It is great for making smores. Who doesn’t like snuggling up next to the fireplace on a cold winter night?

But fire can also be destructive. It is destructive when it is out of control and outside the confines where we have made a safe space for it.

In out little class today we are going to talk about a kind of fire safety the Lord has given us. This is the class on Sexual Purity. Just like the Lord gave us the power to create and use fire, He has given us the incredible power partner with Him to create life. What a gift! We all have many gifts and talents but this gift from the Father stands apart because when we use it we partner with the Lord in His work of creating life. But, He has given us set bounds or rules for when to use this power – only with our lawfully wedded husband or wife. Today we are going to talk about WHY it is important to keep these powers within the bounds of marriage, we will talk about WHAT the rules are (What exactly is okay and not okay to do), and we will talk about HOW to keep those rules.

WHY:

Fire has the power to forge strong metals. These intimate sexual acts, like fire, forge a powerful unbreakable bond between the people participating. The Father loves us and doesn't want us to have to experience the hurt and pain of separating from someone with whom we have forged this lifelong bond. That is why He wants us first to make covenants to be married for the rest of our lives before we engage in these soul bonding acts.

The For the Strength of the Youth pamphlet says that when you live the law of chastity: You protect yourself from the emotional damage that always comes from sharing physical intimacies with someone outside of marriage.

The rule to keep these types of physical relations inside of marriage is a PROTECTION to you. Fires burning outside of their areas of safety are DANGEROUS. If you engage in sexual behavior outside of the Lord’s prescribed bounds of marriage, YOU WILL GET HURT. You could have consequences like a pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease.  But even if you are lucky enough to avoid those consequences, you will ALWAYS have emotional and spiritual consequences. Even if you repent and go through the difficult process of becoming spiritually clean again, you can’t unsee something you have seen. You can’t make someone else unknow something they know about you. You will forever have a connection with that person that you will almost certainly one day wish were not there.

So we have established that we want to keep these fires only in the safe confines of marriage. But what exactly constitutes a “fire?” Or in other words, what is okay to do and what is not? It is the question I most wanted to know as a teenager. WHERE IS THE LINE? WHAT are the rules?

WHAT: Going to church at Panguich lake and the branch president telling us because of the conditions of little snow and little rain and lots of dead trees that we were not to have any open fires at all. 2 weeks later a boy riding an ATV had a problem with the machine and it back fired and let off a spark that caused an huge forest fire destroying acres and acres of land and putting teams of people working round the clock to contain the damage before it hurt people and destroyed homes.

Your lives as teenagers and on into young single adulthood are like those summer fire conditions. You are under the same strict rules that we were given about the fires. The For the Strength of the Youth pamphlet says: “Before marriage, do not do anything to arouse the powerful emotions that must be expressed only in marriage.” It goes on to be more specific, “Do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person’s body, with or without clothing. Do not allow anyone to do that with you. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body.”

Okay? Do not do anything to become aroused – no open flames. So there is the line. It is somewhere in the range of kissing. Kissing is the most you should ever do with someone before marriage. AND while Some types of kissing are okay, some are not. G rated kissing is okay. If you are kissing like Cinderella you are fine. PG – the line is going to be in there somewhere. PG-13 kissing is not okay and some of it – the kind where you are lying down (rolling, levi loving, etc.) getting passionate and arousing those flames within and sexually exciting either yourself or your partner – necessitates you going to the bishop to have help repenting.

Elder Scott gave a great talk in 1996 entitiled “DO what is Right” when I was in college and dating about what was okay to do and what was not. In it he said, “A safe rule to follow is to never do anything alone that you wouldn’t do in the presence of parents shortly before marriage.”

Keep that in mind.

That is where the Lord has drawn His line. But once you get close to the line it is so difficult to stay on the right side of it. That is why we are encouraged to stay far away from the line. In Elder Scott's talk, he also encouraged us to take some time or reflection, fasting, and prayer to decide where OUR line is going to be. It should be even more protective than the Lord's line. It should help you stay safe from ever getting so close the Lord's line that you accidentally slip over it.

HOW: Many of the other classes you have tonight with help you with the how to keep your passions from igniting. Pay attention to the For the Strength of the Youth pamphlet guidelines on Dating, Media, and Modesty in particular.

I have one more rule of thumb. Let’s go back to our fire analogy: Fire needs 3 things to come into existence. they are sometimes represented in a triangle diagram-- Heat, fuel, and oxygen. If you don’t want to have a fire start or if you need to put one out, you simply have to remove one of those elements. If these three elements are all together it is highly likely that a fire will start. Trust me I know. Don't ever put a hat on top of a lamp. I almost burned down my dorm room that way. Not a good combo.

I have a similar triangle for our sexual flames. Here the three side are for my combustion triangle: Alone, Long Time, Close Proximity : Explain. Never allow yourself to be alone with a date for a long period of time and in close physical proximity. And it should be noted that if you like a person and are alone with them and have no productive planned activity, keeping away from them is not going to be easy. Some examples: sitting close watching a movie is only okay if you are around a bunch of other people and have no blankets over you. (Blankets make any part they cover "alone.") It is okay to go alone for a long time together on a hike as long as you always stay an arms length apart. It is okay to give a kiss as long as it is brief. And by brief I mean brief. Sometimes 30 seconds can be too long for some people. Be aware that your fire may not ignite as quickly as your partners and you need to make sure neither of you has any open flames going. 

REPENTENCE

Lastly, we want to talk to you a little about what to do if you get burned. Anyone here ever had a burn before? What do you do if you get burned? First you pull your hand away from what burned it. You don't leave your hand on a hot stove. So if you feel a flame ignite in you, STOP what you are doing and back away quickly. Don't feed the fire.

Next if you have a burn you run it under cold water. If you put it in cold water for 30 seconds can you take it out and be fine? NO! It keeps burning. You have to put it under the cold water for a long time or it will keep burning. The worse the burn the more time under cold water is needed. If you run into trouble and cross YOUR line with someone in this area – cool it off. Don’t just keep dating. Cool it down right away and for a long period of time. Date other people. Hang out with different people. Give it time to cool off or the heat of that fire will just pick right back up where it left off.

And if you have been burned passed that line and ignited sexual flames in yourself or your partner, in other words, if you have crossed the Lord's line (PG-13 type kissing, rolling, levi loving, touching another persons private body parts etc...) it is like having a 3rd degree. If you get burned this badly, you do not stay home and risk infection. You go to a doctor. If you have crossed the Lord's line, go to the bishop. He can help you. That is why He is there. He won’t yell at you. He isn't going to go tell on you to your parents. He will help you repent and become healed from the spiritual wounds you will have caused yourself and will help you find more strength not to allows those fires to burn you again.

We know that this gift when it is kept in the bounds of marriage can bring us great joy. There is such a wonderful joy in going to the alter of marriage pure and clean and reserved especially for your spouse. And creating a family together brings the greatest joys this life has to offer. This gift is given to us to bring us joy. We want you to be happy. Your parents want you to be happy and most of all the Lord wants you to be happy. Keeping yourself sexually pure and saving those powerful emotions to share only with your husband or wife will make you happy. 

And repentance is a wonderful gift and opportunity. There is no greater joy than feeling clean before the Lord. If you have any lingering worries about things you have don't that might have been wrong. Go see the Bishop. It isn't as scary as you think it might be. He loves you and is there to help you feel clean before the Lord. Through the Atonement you can be clean before the Lord. 

Lesson Learned

Last week Annie came home from school unusually giddy. I am talking about school girl squealing giddy. The reason for her excitement? Her school announced cheerleader try outs and the coach was a high school cheer coach last year.

So this year cheer at her school would be subject to tryouts and there would be a significant fee and uniforms and performances at high school football games etc... She was more excited about the prospect of being on this cheer team than I have ever seen her about anything else.

I was much less thrilled at the idea of adding another activity to our schedule and another expense to our budget. But how could I not let her try? I mean she isn't a gymnast and is not into any dance other than hip hop which she just started. She may not even make the cut.

So I signed the form to let her try out hoping secretly that she wouldn't make the squad. They went to learn the tryout cheer Monday after school. Wednesday were the tryouts. 127 kids tried out for the 30 spots. I was breathing a little easier with those odds.

After her tryout she told me did okay on the second half but didn't do as well as she had hoped on the beginning. Another secret sigh of relief. And I wrote off any worry I had about adding another activity to our lives.

So when she came home from school with this big smile on her face and telling me how much she loved me, I didn't really know why she was in such a good mood.

There were lots of whispers between her and her little sister Lauren. After a few minutes Lauren, playing her part in this act, said "So Annie did you make cheerleading?"

"I don't know," Annie replied trying to suppress her infectious grin. "But I did get this!!!" She yelled pulling out a paper that started with the word congratulations!

She made the squad.

I guess we have another activity on the agenda. I'll make room since she wants this activity more than any of the others.

And I have learned a valuable lesson. Never underestimate Ann Marie. What she sets her mind to do she does.

Scary Changes

So here is one small change in our home. We are hosting a campaign worker for the Mitt Romney for President campaign. Long story but basically she needed a place to stay for a month and my friend Catherine asked if we would host her. We are happy to help and said of course.

I am beginning to see how hard these campaigners work. She is only here to sleep and she never gets enough time for that. If anyone in our area wants to volunteer for the Romney campaign let me know and I will hook you up with our new boarder.

Now for the bigger and much scarier change ... I have decided to take the Nevada Bar Exam. I really never thought I would do that. But as my kids get older I feel I am certainly going to want something I can do while they are at school. I just know myself well enough to know that I do best when I am being challenged and I do not find enough challenge in housework or volunteering.

I don't want to over simplify this decision. It has been months in the making and there has been much fasting and prayer involved. It has not been an easy process to get here. There have been tears and fears and frustrations. But I feel certain that I am on the right path and that I just need to take my time traveling it.

This doesn't mean I am going back to work right now. It means I am studying. And as I dipped my toe into my review course yesterday I had a few things become clear to me. Number one, I have forgotten SO MUCH. It is scary how much I have forgotten. Number two, I love learning and I feel confident in my ability to relearn all these legal terms and tests that have slipped into the dark recesses of my mind.

Now the scary part of this is that you will all know if I fail the exam. :0) I hope I don't fail and I would feel pretty confident in passing if it were 2002 and not 2012 but since I haven't practiced law in 11 years and its been 12 years since I took the bar ... yeah I could totally fail.

The other scary thing or rather "faith trying" part of this is being sensitive to the timetable that is right for me to start working and what kind and how much work I should do. That is all just a big hazy cloud in front of me that I am not sure about. I have always felt I would work again someday. And for now I feel like getting the NV bar under my belt is my first step toward that. After that, well I guess the Lord will help me find those answers when He deems I am ready for them.

So if I am blogging less these next several months, it probably means I am studying. I will need to be doing lots of that.

Golden Moments

I have about 5 posts in my head. Some of them I am not sure I even want to post. Sometimes it is scary to announce certain parts of your life to the world on the internet. And there are always parts of my life I do not talk about so publicly. I try not to write about things that involve other people who may not want publicity.

But I have been rather preoccupied with some decisions and changes in my life that I think I am ready to write about, even though being public about it is a little scary. But before we get to that. I just have to say how much I have enjoyed this General Conference of the LDS Church. There was a talk in the first session by Elder Bowen that spoke directly to my heart and the hearts of all my other angel parent friends. Thank you Elder Bowen for sharing!

I also loved Elder Cook's talk and Elder Nelson's.

I love the little moments of motherhood that are like drops of gold into my heart. I have had several this conference session watching with my kids. Sure we have mostly barely managed chaos as we watch but every once in a while there are moments of clarity and great spirit that remind me what this life is all about.

Yesterday, watching Elder Bowen's talk was one of those. Noble ran over to me and told me they were talking about a baby who died. He recognized that our family is similar. Elder Bowen at one point talks about how natural it is to ask "Why Me?" when such things happen. Sabrina looked over at me and said, "not you mama." I winked at her. I am glad she knows that I never asked that question. I know it is natural to ask it and most, including Elder Bowen do ask it. But I never did. I had been too blessed and too aware of all my many blessing in life to ask why a bad thing would happen. Bad things happen to us all. I knew that. So why should I expect to be exempt? I just have never felt entitled to the blessings I have been given. Instead I tried to follow the advice Elder Scott gave in a talk once and tried instead to ask "What can I learn from this?" I was glad Sabrina saw that in me and hope she will learn from it. We all must pass through hard trials in this life. The trick it to learn from them.

Another golden moment came as we played a board game with the girls between sessions today. We all worked together in one part of the game, giving up our own interests to benefit the whole. I loved that. I loved seeing my girls getting along and working together. Few things bring a mother greater joy than seeing her children being loving with each other. I also loved that Lauren (who apparently got bored with our bored game) made up her own objective in the game of just collecting sheep. She used her game pieces to build a little corral and put her sheep cards in the corral.

I love that Noble told me several times that he was going to miss me (out of the blue) as he was coloring and watching conference. He told me he was going to go there (to conference) but that he was going to miss me. "My heart likes the music and it wants to go there," he says. There is no doubt children can feel that sweet peace of the Spirit when we invite in into our home.

So that has been our General Conference weekend. Actually, I think I will put my news of some of the changes around here in a new post to go out tomorrow. This post seems long enough. So, till tomorrow.

Telling Quotes

I have been hearing some great quotes from my kids today. Thought I would share a couple. First as I dropped Annie off at her violin lesson, I was walking out as she was taking her violin to the teacher to get it tuned and patting the back of the violin she says, "So do you think we can put some flames on this baby?"

Then we were cleaning up at home and I told Noble to put his puzzle away. He then took it all apart as violently as possible and spread it all over the room. I told him he couldn't help me use the spray bottle with water in it to clean the windows till his puzzle was all picked up. He then said, "But mom, my heart is telling me that my heart just wants to do what my boy heart wants to do."

Two classic quips. Love them.

Through a child's eyes

Sometimes we parents get a rare candid look at how our children see this life we are sharing with them. I have been letting each girl have a night with mom since Jon has been out of town. They sleep with me and get to stay up an extra half hour with me.

Tonight is Annie's night. I needed to clean downstairs and she wanted to write on her blog so that is how we spent our half hour up late together. At the end of out time she let me read what she wrote. It melted my tired bones. Read it HERE.

I have high hopes for her post tomorrow because when Annie sets her mind to doing something she usually does it 150%.

Bone Tired

I am skipping my morning workout. I have been going to the gym every morning for a couple of weeks as a way to let the kids play and maybe get some exercise myself. But Harrison just cries the whole time and then after 30 minutes they page me to come get him. And yesterday I had such a busy day that by 8:30 I was in bed to tired to go on. :)  So I am giving myself a day off from my workout.

I have discovered that having a new middle schooler is for me about as much work as having a toddler. We are having to check homework and study (which means I have to relearn math and english and science) and work on extra curricular activities. I feel I have to help be the organizational training wheels to help Sabrina learn to juggle all her classes and her extra curricular things.

It is hard to help her when I have little ones demanding my attention. So this morning instead of getting up to exercise, we got up and studied together. I figure she can work out while the kids are demanding my attention. I guess we will try this out and see how it works studying in the morning.

It isn't easy being the guinea pig kid where your mom is having to learn the best way to do things. But then you do get all new clothes. :)

I am ready for my hubby to come home. Now I have to go sweep my floors and take out my trash (those things Jon normally does.) Is it Friday yet?

Gathering courage

Jon is out of town all week. So some how I am trying to gather my strength and courage to go it alone. Really it shouldn't be a big deal. I mean I do most of the work of running our home on my own everyday. He doesn't usually get home till the kids are in bed or getting in bed. It shouldn't be that different.

But somehow coming off a weekend away with him I feel his absence more keenly. I am grateful everyday for the support he is to me and for how wonderful he is as a dad.

Looking forward to Friday already.

Lingering Grief - Lasting Support

Sometimes waves of grief come unexpectedly even years down the road. I have been feeling my loss weigh on my heart more than normal lately. It hasn't felt like the crashing waves of fresh grief. It is more of a huge swell in the tide ... gentler but just as deeply felt.

The nice thing about fresh grief is that it is expected ... by everyone. People expect you are hurting. They don't need to be told. They treat you gently. There is no or at least little embarrassment in fresh grief. It is more ... understood.

Lingering grief on the other hand is more of a mystery both to those who feel it and the outside world looking at it. There is no telling when it will hit and how long it will last or why it has come again. It is unpredictable and there is much more of a stigma felt in grieving over a loss years later.

So we lingering grievers don't always open up and admit when we are hurting. Sometimes we are quieter than we used to be or maybe more withdrawn. We don't want to pull others around us back into our grief with us. We bare it more on our own and remember the kindnesses of the past to remind us of the love and support we felt and let the memory of that support shore us up now.

Then last week, out of the blue, I got an email from a couple of readers of this blog. Brooke and Annette from I Declare Charms wrote to tell me they had made a necklace for me. They did it as a thank you for this blog and what they feel they have gotten from my posts. They asked for my address to mail it to me.

I really can't put into words how humbled and grateful I am to receive such a gift. It tells me that even now 4 years and 3 months later people still care and remember and understand. It shows me that the Lord remembers me and my heart ache and is still taking care of me even years down this road.

The necklace is beautiful. I absolutely love it. I love that Camille's charm is a little different from my other children's. I love that Ann Marie's charm has AM on it. And I most of all love the feeling I get of support and strength from people I have never met when I wear it. Thank you so much Brooke and Annette and all the team at I Declare Charms.

Last night I wore my new necklace on my date with my husband to see Wicked for the first time. I sat in my chair enjoying the performance through the first half. At intermission, I was thinking to myself about how I have changed since Camille's death. My in laws were at the performance and I notice that I act more withdrawn and distant than I used to sometimes. I don't mean to. I don't love any less. I just ... am changed.

So then we started into the second half. I felt the challenge to defy the emotional gravity I have been feeling and lift myself up and out into the world. And then the two leads began the song "For Good."


I sat with tears streaming down my face thinking of my little girl and how she has changed me for good. I can only hope that the ways I have been changed for the better outweigh the ways I have been changed for the worse. This much I know for sure, I have been changed for good.

The live music and performance affected me. I felt it deeply and could hardly talk after the show. I still feel remnants of it now. I could barely tell Jon why I was so quiet as we drove home. At home I listened to the music once more on my phone and then I got ready for bed. I kept my necklace on. I just wasn't ready to take it off yet. Then I  snuggled up under my "magic blanket" that my friend LaRae gave us after Camille died. It feels like a hug and reminds me of the love and support I have from both sides of the veil. And I felt loved and supported regardless of how I have been changed. And I slept.

Portland

I am just getting back into the swing of my daily routine after getting back from our trip to Portland. We had a great time and got to relax and enjoy being a couple again. I was reminded once again about what a gentleman my husband can be. Chivalry is not dead people. I loved that about him when we met and I love it now too. I love that he always opens doors for me and walks on the street side of the sidewalk.

We had a great time sleeping till we woke up on our own and working out together and deciding what we wanted to do each day. We ate loads of good food. (I gained 5 lbs. in 4 days and it was totally worth it.) Veritable Quandary was the highlight of the food for me. Best bacon wrapped dates I have ever had there. Jon enjoyed his pork cheeks at the Heathman best.

Cannon beach is one of the best beaches I have ever been to. I loved how find and soft the sand was and how the tide went out and left lots of little tide pools to explore. I would totally want to take kids there someday. I will have great memories from that trip.

Now I am trying to catch up on laundry and running my home. Kids are a lot of work. :0) But some moments make it all worth it. Like when Noble asked me if Harrison had blond hair like he does and when I said he did Noble asked me, "Mom, why did you paint his hair blond?" Or sitting with my two boys on my lap snuggled up watching a little television today. I just love those calm moments with the weight of their little bodies all snuggled up to me.

Now is not one of those calm moments. I hear them upstairs through our intercom system playing in the nursery and dancing like crazy boys to the classical music on Harrison's sound machine. In small doses, I like those crazy moments too that remind me they are kids and these are boys with all the energy and vigor that little boys can muster. Vacations are good but I wouldn't trade the felicity and craziness of my domestic life for anything.

Normal

Thanks for all the book recommendations. I just finished the Mysterious Education of Nicholas Benedict (a prequel to the Mysterious Benedict Society books) and loved it. 

Jon and I leave for an alone trip to Portland on Wednesday and I am excited. It has been a long time since we had a real vacation (one where we didn't have to take care of children.) My wonderful mother in law is coming to take care of my children. So this will be a busy few days doing our weekly routine and getting things ready to leave town.

Sometimes I feel our lives are so "normal" that there is nothing to blog about these days. But then someday, our normal will change and I will forget what this normal is like. So today I want to blog about what our normal life is like right now. Welcome to a day in the life of the Waite family:

5:30 am - We wake up either to Sabrina's alarm or Noble coming in to climb in bed with me. Sabrina puts on her tennis shoes and gets on the treadmill for a 20 min. walk followed by her shower. This helps wake her up in the morning (otherwise a monumental task) and keeps her active since she doesn't have PE or any other extracurricular sport.
6:30 am  - I get up and get dressed and go down to make sure kids are doing their morning chores of emptying the dishwasher and eating their breakfasts and practicing their music.
6:45 ish - We read scriptures together and have morning prayers. Kids finish up their morning duties.
7:20 am - Sabrina and I go pick up 3 other kids and head to the middle school for carpool drop off.
8:00 am - the other girls are usually done with their lists by now and they play on the computer for a bit if they are.
8:20 am - Carpool comes to pick up Lauren and Annie
8:30 am - The boys and I have the day to spend as we choose. Sometimes I will try taking them to they gym so I can workout and they can play. But Harrison isn't too fond of the playroom without mom there yet. Once a week Noble has a swim lesson. Many days we play toys or read or watch some Octonaunts on TV. Some days we go grocery shopping or errand running. Once in a while we go play with friends.
Noon - Boys nap. I cook or clean or blog or sleep or read.
2:30 Sabrina gets dropped off by the carpool and the boys wake up. We get some time together before the other kids get home. We talk and she practices her piano.
3:30 Annie and Lauren are dropped off by the carpool. After snacks we either dive into homework or I get cooking for dinner club or we go to piano lessons or strings lessons or dance class depending on the day. Annie and Lauren are both in dance this year and all of them are in piano and Sabrina and Annie are in viola and violin respectively.
7:00 All homework and after school activities and dinner are done, usually the girls have had some free time in there as well to spend as they choose. We say family prayers and put the boys to bed. The girls do one household chore of my choosing (usually cleaning up the kitchen and family room), I do the dishes and help them make lunches for the next day. They get ready for bed. Annie and Lauren take their shower.
8:00 The girls get in bed and read.
8:30 Lights out and kisses goodnight.
8:35 Threats from mom if there is any more talking. :)
8:45 silence and sleeping kids, mom reads and dad, who usually has just recently gotten home, eats dinner and watches tv or reads.
10 pm mom's bed time.

They are full days but good days and I am treasuring them.

Books for Kids

I have some pretty avid readers in my home. Consequently I am always on the lookout for new books that are good for them to read. So I thought I would share some of what we have read on here with all of you and ask you to share any other books you would recommend. I'll sort the books by level.

Easy Chapter Books:
My kids have love the following series:
A-Z Mysteries
Magic Tree House
Magic School Bus
Cam Jensen Books
Some of the Junie B. Jones (I don't like the attitude of some of them.)
Pretty much anything by Roald Dahl - Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, BFG, James and the Giant Peach etc...
Nacy Drew books by Keene and pamintuan
Little Apple Fairy Books
American Girl Books

A little Harder:
Beverly Cleary's Ramona books and Ralph S. Mouse books
Judy Blumes Superfudge books and Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing
All the Junior Classics for Young Readers
Socks
The Boxcar Children Series

Other harder Chapter Books We have loved:
Walk Two Moons
Because of Winn Dixie
Julie of the Wolves
Daddy Longlegs
The Learnin Dog
Tuck Everlasting
The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane
Holes
Rules
Warriors
Finally
My Side of the Mountain (one of Sabrina's favorites)
The Penderwicks
Number the Stars
Gathering Blue
Rebel Hart
Percy Jackson
Kane Chronicles series
Harry Potter Series
Chronicles of Narnia
Bridge to Terabithia
Moon over Manifest
Fablehaven
School of Fear
The Doll People
Great Brain books
Secret Garden
Anne of Green Gables
Magyk
Suddenly Supernatural
Mysterious Benedict Society
Mother Daughter Book Club Series
Frindle
Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh
A Wrinkle in Time
Hoot
Tennis Shoes Among the Nephites
My Sister the Vampire

Books for middle school: This is where I am REALLY needing help. I need books appropriate for my 11 year old that are on a 7-8 grade reading level. Most of the books below are not really that reading level but are for more mature readers. Sabrina isn't quiet to the level of Jane Austin or many other classics.
MazeRunner series
Hunger Games
Mistborn

On our To Read List:
Betsy Tacy Books (4th grade level)
Little Women (I love this and I need to see if Sabrina can tackle it yet.)
The Lord of the Rings
The Hobbit

Okay readers. Give me some of your best suggestions for chapter books for kids (especially that middle school age!) Hope you find a book or two on here your kids haven't read yet that they might enjoy.

Look who Annie met at dance

Annie got in the car after her hip hop class tonight and told me they got to do solo free styles (her favorite thing to do) AND that Mr. Dar (Darian from So You Think You Can Dance) was there and taught them some moves.

What??? So I gave her my phone and told her to go get a photo with him. She comes back and reports that she went in and said, cool as a cucumber, to him "so my mom is like this big fan of you know ..." he says the name of the show. "Yeah that. So she told me to come get a photo with you."

Thanks for obliging Darian!

Fresh Starts

It is our first day of school again. Today I am feeling grateful for fresh starts. I feel the first day of school is a "fresh start" day for me as well as my kids. It is like New Years Day and the first day of summer vacation that way.

Today I had fresh new routines listed out for the girls which went so smoothly this morning. Then after getting them off to school I went over and joined the gym for my own fresh start.

I feel a bit more organized than usual and my body is feeling awake and alive from my workout. It is a great fresh start for the school year.

Changes

Changes have been taking place around the Waite home lately. We are about to embark on the new adventure of having a child in middle school. This has brought some pretty significant changes to our home for me, and for the kids.

Personally, I have found this transition to be going far more smoothly than I could have imagined. I put together a week long, 3 hour per day, day camp for 17 girls all starting middle school together from 4 different elementary schools last week. I had 3 moms be in charge of each day and it gave the girls a chance to get to make new friends and get to know a few people better before that socially intimidating first day of school. Plus they had fun. :0)

We did get to know you games and team building exercises the first day. The second and fourth days they swam. The third day they went roller skating. The last day they made matching necklaces and did other crafty things together. Then a few of the moms and daughters went over to Bread and Butter for a cooking class for the girls. Chef Chris was so great!

I feel very good about Sabrina's schedule and her teachers. She has friends in every class and some friends in 3 or 4 classes. She also has been doing more babysitting at home. I have trained her all summer and she can now change diapers (both wet and stinky), bathe and get boys dressed, put boys to bed, make a few simple meals and handle the boys for limited amounts of time. It has been HUGE to be able to leave her babysitting so I can run errands without little boys.

In light of these new responsibilities, the fact that she will have textbooks at home that need to be out of the reach of little boys' hands, and the fact that she will be waking up an hour earlier than the other kids, we felt it was time for Sabrina to get her own space in our home. So last weekend we dismantled the playroom and created a bedroom specifically for Sabrina. 

Here are some photos she took of it. Note that we haven't decorated. I figure a room makeover budget might be a great birthday present. :)

She is thrilled with the new space and has been working to keep it clean. 

As I drove to the elementary school open house today I noted that we will never have 3 kids at a school again. This year Camille would have started Kindergarten. In her absence there will never be 3 Waites at that school again. By the time Noble starts Annie will be in 6th grade. I had a plan for everyone to have a buddy 2 years ahead of them in school. But life happens and changes happen-some good some bad. And so we play the hand we are dealt and make the new plan beautiful.

For Collin

I just walked into the house after a 16 hour trip to California. We left this morning at 4 a.m. to drive to our old neighborhood in Long Beach. We had a funeral to attend. A bit of back story is in order I think.

About 6 months after Jon and I were married, we moved to Long Beach. We were one of two very newly married couples in our new church congregation there. The other couple was Jason and Julie Presley. We both got pregnant around the same time. 10 weeks into my pregnancy I miscarried. Julie carried her baby to about 32 weeks (if I remember correctly) and then delivered a little 3 lb. boy that they named Collin Matthew.

Collin had many problems from his first days of life. After years of testing and searching, he was diagnosed with TTD, a rare disease that fewer than 100 people in the world have. It causes many issues including skin sensitivity to light, pain, seizures, deafness, blindness, premature aging, and many more.

Last month Collin celebrated his 12 birthday. For a child who doctors said wasn't supposed to even see his first birthday, Collin was a living miracle. Last Thursday, Collin died unexpectedly in his sleep.

And so Jon and I, knowing how much it meant to us that people came to Camille's funeral, determined to make the drive down to Collin's funeral.

We arrived just shortly before the end of the viewing prior to the funeral. So I went in to give Julie and Jason a hug. It has been a long time since I have been to a child's funeral. And it has been a long time since I have been in the physical presence of another mother so fresh in the raw grief of losing her child.

As soon as I hugged Julie, her strongholds fell. I held her, told her I loved her and that I knew. And I told her that she could do this. As we hugged, to me it felt as if there were a matching part of our hearts. Julie and I have known each other all these 13 years but we have never been really close. But there is a connection between mothers who have lost children that runs deeper than one can imagine.

We know the deepest, most tender, most precious part of each others hearts. We are connected. And I felt that in a real way today.

Being at the funeral brought back so many memories for me. Collin's grandfather gave a wonderful eulogy that aptly portrayed Collin's true self as he lived on this earth. There were tears and laughter involved.

As he was giving the eulogy, I had an impression. It was an impression of Collins presence as he is now. We are often told that those with special challenges and handicaps here on earth are spirits that are exceptional in their lives before this world. Today, as I felt this impression of Collin I felt just how exceptional they are. There was incredible majesty in his presence. I think if we could see Collin today as he is in heaven we would be amazed at his glory and at just how very like the Savior he is.

It has been a long day. We went to the beach for a little while after the funeral and then headed home. Julie and Jason are no doubt overwhelmed by this new chapter of grief into which their lives have entered. I remember being there. I remember how hard it was to have mothering be so easy without my baby. She was most of my work. Julie is no doubt facing that now. She has been nurse, mother, advocate, and so much more for Collin and his little sister Regan all these years. Now there are no more doctor appointments or procedures or middle of the night wakings or pill schedules or diapers or feedings. So much easier can sometimes feel so much harder.

But Julie and Jason are strong and they will make their way through this chapter of grief.  One way or another we all are forced to find our way through it. I hope they will be gentle with themselves and each other as they do. And one day I hope they will come to a more hopeful and happy chapter as I feel we have.

Until then, I pray that they who have carried and cared so faithfully for little Collin all these years will now be able to feel his now mighty arms carrying and caring for them.

Portland Tips

Jon and I are planning a short get away to Portland next month. We are hoping a few days away will remind us we are Jonathan and Stephanie not just Dad and Mom. :) I thought I would reach out to my favorite people for some tips on where to go, what to do, where to stay, etc.

We are thinking that if we stay in downtown Portland we won't have to rent a car for more than maybe a day to go see the natural beauty. What do you think? I hear public transportation is pretty good there.

You know I love good food. Anybody got some MUST EATS from the Portland area?

Give me the good info people. :)

Storms

2008 was a stormy year. Camille died that summer and my soul raged with uncontrollable emotions. It seemed Nature mourned with me as great summer storms and crazy winter weather displayed their fury. There were an uncanny number of storms that year. I noticed them. I appreciated them. They seemed to mirror my emotions. I even took some photos of them.

They always start with a lovely cloudy sky. Then after a while, the downpour would begin.

The wind would howl and we could feel the raw power of Mother Natures. That winter it even snowed here. That doesn't happen very often and it had been about 25 years since it had happened before.

I remember one Sunday driving home from church with cloudy skies and as we drove up the mountain to our home it was as if there was a storm cloud sitting only on our little community. We drove home into the storm. I thought it very fitting.

I have noticed each each since 2008 there seem to be fewer or less violent storms. I mean we have a good one now and then. But in 2008 these monster storms were frequent. It seems like it has been months and months since we have had a good downpour here. We have been threatened with rain several times these last few weeks but only a little rain burst has shown up now and then. Light rain for 5 minutes and then it is gone.

I feel the desire for a great downpour. It is cloudy today. But there is only a 20% chance of rain. Seems there will be no storm today. I am grateful the Lord sent His storms so powerfully in 2008. I hope sometime soon he will favor us with another.

Turkey lollipops

I saw a food network show the other day featuring some turkey meatballs that looked delicious. Today I made them for dinner. They were even better than I had imagined and everyone in my family liked them! Noble ate 4 without any prompting!

I found the recipe at http://m.foodnetwork.com/recipes/recipe/645448

I did substitute a few things for ingredients I didn't have on hand. I used green onions and some onion powder instead of a white onion. I used fresh oregano instead of parsley. And I used regular bread crumbs instead of Panko. Also I omitted the cayenne pepper from the glaze so it wouldn't be too spicy for the kids.

These were so easy and yummy. I think I will make them for my dinner club sometime soon.

Keeping the Flame Burning

We did our best to fit all the tips we gathered on how to keep the flame burning in a marriage into the 5 minutes we were given. We ran over but I feel like we gave good tips. Thanks to everyone for your help in the comments.

It all boiled down to finding ways to stay connected to your spouse as a person not just as "mom" and "dad." We pointed out that the best thing you can do for your kids is to love your spouse (their other parent.)

The flame of marital love does wax and wan at different seasons of our life. When you are in the baby stage (pregnant or nursing) perhaps the physical connection may burn less brightly. The key is to stay connected in other ways during these times so you can keep your marital flame alive.

We broke down ways to connect in 3 categories: Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual.
Here are our notes about ways we can connect in those areas.

Physical

·      Take Trips Together

·      Or ship the kids off to do a staycation as a couple (plan some spice)

·      Touch your husband/wife. Hold hands. Scratch backs.

·      Women: say yes as much as you can.  Make physical intimacy a priority.  If you can schedule time during the day, do it because most of us are tired at the end of the night and do not give it the proper attention.

·      Be affectionate in front of the kids

·      Couple’s beds off limits to kids during night hours

Emotional

·      Make a list of Random Questions to find out new things about your spouse and use as conversation starters.

·      Do something purposeful for the other person (leave a note, do a chore you don't normally do, give a compliment, buy flowers, give a massage)

·      Date Night-- DO IT: not just movie – something with interaction

·      PLAN a date in advance

·      Read a book together

·      Instagram photos of things that make you smile during the day.

·      Explore the likes of your partner that you don’t particularly care for, have no interest

·      Develop a common interest/talent together

·      Do not keep secrets; open lines of communication on all subjects

·      Time set aside to communicate with your spouse (no TV, other distractions)

Spiritual

·      Couple prayers

·      Go to temple together

·      When praying, vocalize the things you love about your spouse in your prayer

·      Share in the spiritual leadership of your home; discuss spiritual issues beforehand as a partnership

·      If you don’t read scriptures together, then at least read in the same place

·      Discuss the common lesson material together from church

     I hope you will find some of these tips helpful to you. I know I got a few good ones out of our assignment. Now I am going to go reconnect with my hubby. :)

How do YOU keep the flame burning?

Jon and I have been asked to be part of panel in one of our church classes this Sunday. We have been asked to share some practical tips on how we can keep the love alive in a marriage through the years and kids and trials.

I know what we have done and some things we could and probably should do better. One of our main ones is to take alone trips every couple of years. We have done one between every birth of a child (except between Noble and Harrison.) I guess we are needing 2 now. :) These trips have really helped us reconnect on a Jon and Steph level and not a Mom and Dad level. I always remember who I am and why I like Jon so much on these trips.

Jon and I were wondering if any of you have found things that work for you. Anyone got some good tips we can share?

Also, Dance party at my house tonight at 8:30. Hope to see you there.

Bad Things Happen to Good People

I have been thinking about the suffering of good people lately. I think so often I fall into the karma trap of believing that if you are putting good out into the world good things should be coming to you. And while I guess this is true in an Eternal perspective, sometimes it just seems like life doesn't work that way. Bad things happen everyday to good people who don't "deserve" it.

They can be little injustices or huge losses. Either way these bad things can add up to be difficult to bear. And the kicker is that often they happen to people who are doing everything they can to do what is right and just and make the world a better place. They happen to people who "deserve" to win at the game of life. People who work hard and are generous to others and are kind.

But in my thinking on this subject, I have noticed how many times in the scriptures there are prophets who "deserve" to win and are subjected to pains and trials. They are imprisoned and cast out and rejected. I notice how often they pray for strength to bear their afflictions with patience and faith.

Reading these stories in the scriptures where we can find out how the story ended just a few verses further makes it almost seem that it was easy for these men or women. But I have thought more seriously about how it must really have been, in the moment, for these faithful servants of God.

How must Daniel have felt as he was thrown into the lions' den for being obedient to the Lord's commandment to pray? Did he ever doubt? Did he wonder if maybe the Lord just wanted him to die? Did he feel forsaken as he walked to that lions' den?

I guess the point that has hit me yet again in my reflections is that ultimately we "win" at this game of life if at the end we have become like our Savior Jesus Christ. And he was a man acquainted with grief, a man of sorrows, a man rejected by his own. He healed the sick and made the lame walk and the blind see and still he was falsely accused and put to death in a most cruel manner.

He allowed himself to suffer so that he would know how to succor us. Because He knew that in this mortal life, bad things would always happen to good people. And He knew that through those trials of our faith, we would find opportunities to grow in important ways and to become more like Him.

My Famous Baby

For those of you who don't read the comments, a crazy thing happened when I was doing cousin's camp. Jon and the boys went to the aquatic center in Cedar City with my sister in laws and brothers and all the kids under age 5. While they were there a woman named Angie introduced herself to Jon as a reader of my blog.

I get that once every 6 months or so. Jon has had it happen a couple of times. But this woman, Angie, recognized Harrison. Actually, she saw Harrison and thought to herself, "that baby looks like Camille."

We think that often in our home. But to have someone who has never met us and never met Camille in person see it and recognize the resemblance between them without first knowing that Harrison is Camille's brother ... well it was a pretty awesome way to be recognized.

Jon, who was holding Harrison, then turned around and Angie recognized him as my husband and realized then why that baby looked so much like Camille.

Thanks for that Angie. It is a gift. Thank you for letting me know. I wish I had been there to meet you in person and give you a hug. Thanks to those who still read and support. I appreciate you more than my words can express.

Cousin's Camp

For the last 5 years, my parents have held a cousin's camp each summer. They invite all the 5 year olds and older to come to their cabin for a weekend and they plan a little camp with lots of activities that are all based around some spiritual theme. The kids LOVE it. It is a lot of work for my parents but they enjoy being able to share time with the kids and give them some lessons too.

At the beginning of each camp they sit in Cousin Camp Circle and welcome the new campers who have turned 5 in the last year. Then they introduce the theme for that year and begin their activities.

Well this year my parents are in Africa on a mission. But we didn't want the kids to miss out on cousin's camp. And this year the only new cousin that would have turned five was Camille. So I volunteered to run cousin's camp this year with a theme all based around angels.

After months of preparation, this weekend we had our Angels cousin camp. It was an incredibly special weekend for me. I felt angels with us at cousin's camp. I felt Camille there. I felt my grandparents there.

We had lots of fun doing activities like fishing on a boat at Panguich Lake and making marshmallow shooter guns and doing an obstacle course. We also had some really spiritual times when we heard about peoples experiences with angels.

I shared some experiences I have had when I have felt angels helping me. We also heard from our Aunt Nikki about some experiences she has had with angels. I had Sabrina read Nie Nies book Heaven Is Here and report on her experiences with angels helping her. And I also had Ann Marie read and report on The Message by Lance Richardson. I love that book.

We all learned more about my grandparents and Camille as we shared what we knew about them and our memories of them. I hope the kids came away feeling that angels are real and that when we need them most, they will be there helping us even if we can't see them.

I have shed a lot of tears this weekend. I shared so many personal things with these lovely little campers. And I reminded myself that in my needy times, angels will attend me. All I have to do is ask for help from my Father and He will send His Heavenly help. That is a reminder I needed.

Prayer

Do you ever have a day when you just worry? You feel like the sky really is falling and your stomach is churning with a tidal wave of anxiety crashing over your soul. I have had a few of those days in my life. Luckily, they don't hit me very often because I find them rather debilitating. But when they hit I become desperate for relief.

It is at times like these that I am so grateful for prayer. When I pray I find a pocket of peace in my storms of anxiety. This was so very real to me when we were in the hospital with Camille. It was like I was a whale in the ocean of anxiety and grief and only when I prayed could I come up to the surface for air.

It is true now when I pray about my worries. I find peace in prayer. I know ... I feel that even if the sky does fall, even if the worst case scenario (whatever that is) happens, I will be okay.

I am so grateful for prayer. In prayer I find answers. In prayer I find faith. In prayer I find peace.

Now is the Time

Have you been needing a new laptop, tablet, or smartphone? Is your smart phone or tablet cracked? Is your computer feeling ill? Now is the time to go to the LaptopXchange. I want to help our little family business.

So if you head to LaptopXchange in Phoenix, or Las Vegas (excluding the Lamb and Charleston location) and this month and mention this blog, you will get $10 off your service or purchase. It is a summer Daily Scoop sale just for you!

Summer is a slower time of year for the stores so now is the time to get the best deals. We would love your business. If you or someone you know is having laptop issues, needs a new laptop, dropped their iphone or ipad and cracked their screen, lost or killed their smartphone ... PLEASE send them our way.

You will save money if you make LaptopXchange your first stop for all your computer and mobile device dilemmas. We have locations in Salt Lake; Phoenix; Ontario, California; Tampa, Florida; Henderson, Nevada; and Las Vegas.

Balance and Update

I just read a great article from the Power of Moms site on Balance in our lives. I am going to my learning circle tonight to discuss it. One thing I think I need to add a bit to my life if some good family fun. I mean physical activity type fun that we can all enjoy. It is hard to find such activities when you have babies.

So then I read THIS post by Heather and I thought, "I totally want to do that." Today I went to the site and found out they also have a kid version. I am talking about doing a Dirty Dash. A run through the mud - 5.5 miles for adults, 1 mile for kids 12 and under.

To me it sound like good family fun.

In other news, my eyes are doing fantastic. Dr. Waite removed my other contact to day and taught me a new word too! Regularize. To make regular. Apparently my eye is healing in a slightly different way (which actually helps me see better. bonus!) He told me it would regularize. Look I am even using my new word in a sentence.

So today my vision tested 20/20 in one eye and 20/15 in the other. I have to tell you what an incredible thing it is to be able to see the word on this screen as I type them without contacts or glasses. AMAZING.

Every night as I get ready for bed I think to myself, "time to take out my eyeballs (contacts)." Then I remember I don't have to do that anymore. Imagine not having to ever brush your teeth anymore. That is how crazy this is for me not to have to do. I am so ingrained in this habit and it is a treat every night and morning not to have to worry about my eyes.

Thank you Dr. Aaron Waite! I'll bring you truffles at my next appt. :0)

Healing

My eyes are healing up nicely. One is good enough to have the bandage contact taken out as of this morning. The other still has a "defect." That actually isn't as bad as it sounded when the doctor said it. I told Aaron to speak English for me and he said he basically gave my eyes road rash and this one hasn't healed over all the way yet. So I go back Tuesday in hopes that it will be healed up and that other contact can go in the trash.

Meanwhile I am seeing 20/25 which for me is like amazing without glasses. Very happy to be seeing well.

Meanwhile I have been resting my eyes often (napping) and trying not to be on the computer too much. It is hard on my eyes to focus on screens too much yet. I have been documenting my life with Instagram this week. I find it is a fun tool to let Jonathan see what he is missing at home. I like to bring a little of our joy here to him at work that way.

I also have been planning a baby shower for a friend who had a little girl last week. She didn't find out what she was having beforehand. She has 3 older boys and totally assumed she would have another boy. I dug into my little girl clothes today to use some of them to decorate.

After pillaging all the other girls baby clothes I was still short a couple cute outfits and missing components of one that was key to my decor. And then I thought perhaps it was in Camille's clothes.

It has been a really long time since I have opened the cedar hope chest containing all the earthly things that were JUST Camille's. I found some cute things. I held her "Shrek" blanket that my friend Janie made for her. We called it that because it is purple and green fuzzy blocks on one side. It is soft and silky purple on the other with little flowers. Camille loved to snuggle down into that blanket when she went to bed.

I held it up to my face an inhaled it. So did Annie. She was there with me. I told her how much I missed her sister. She comforted me with love pats. I have come so far in healing but the wound can still be visited in freshness. This is especially true when I hear of someone I know losing a child. Like when Janie called me just about a year after Camille died to tell me she had just lost her newborn baby boy. Or last night when I heard my pediatrician's son had passed away. He was buried at the same cemetery as Camille today.

I remember being there. I am so glad I am not there anymore. I am so grateful that the Lord created paths of healing for us as we journey through mortality. Some healing comes in minutes or days. My eyes will take about 3 months. But the heart, well, it takes lots of love to heal, so says my wise little Annie.

New Eyes

My new eyes are doing well. Actually, the actual procedure has been the worst part of this so far. It was a bit "Star Trek" like to me having my eyes probed and prodded while I was awake. That was unsettling. My brother in law's calming voice helped. But it is still crazy seeing things things coming down to my eyeball straight on.

And now they are a little dry and sore but not too bad. I can see lots better than I could before without glasses. I am able to read what I am typing. But I cannot see as well as I could before with glasses. The words on the screen are a little fuzzy.

I have been sleeping lots and resting my eyes as much as possible. That seems to help. Plus I get to wear these awesome googles at night for the next two weeks. Note the sticker that one of the girls put on them to decorate me while I slept.

I think it is pretty amazing that we have the knowledge and technology to make our eyes work better. I mean the fact that I can see the words on this screen is pretty miraculous to me.

I am pleased that the pain level has been far less than I feared. I haven't had to use the pain eye drops since we left the surgery center. I guess this weekend is supposed to be hard when my eyes are healing up. Someone told me day 3 was their worst day. But day one has been manageable since my hubby stayed home to take care of being me for the day.

Now I guess I better head off to bed again. I don't think I have gotten this much sleep in 12 years. So nice to have doctors orders to sleep as much as possible to let your eyes heal. I bet there are a lot of moms out there who would want those kind of doctors orders!

Going Under the Knife ...errr .. Laser

Tomorrow I am having eye surgery. I have worn glasses since I was 14 and contacts for at least 20 years. The last 12 years I have been either pregnant or nursing or about to get pregnant. That made me not a good candidate for vision correction surgery. But that is not the case for me now. And since I have a brilliant and local brother in law who is a Ophthalmologist specializing in corneas, well I figured I the time is now.

I am a little anxious. I am not worried about my brother in law's abilities or having a bad outcome. My brother in law Aaron is one of the most detail oriented and precise people I know, not to mention just an all around great guy. But since I apparently have somewhat thin corneas, he is having me do PRK instead of Lasik. So the difference is that PRK has fewer complications since there is no cutting involved and it doesn't decrease your cornea depth but it is more painful and has a slower recovery.

That means I am going to be in "discomfort" (not entirely sure what that means) for the next week and then I will have better but not perfect vision for the next 3 months. He says I should be legal to drive without glasses but I will notice it isn't as good as it has been with glasses or contacts now.

So I took a couple photos of me with glasses for the record since today is the last day I will be wearing them ... at least until I need reading glasses.

 Someone is sneaking in on my photo. (no more glare in my eyes tomorrow!)

 And he gets me!

Wish me luck!

June 13

Today is June 13th. How did I come to know that? Did I look at my calendar? No. Have I been anticipating this day, watching the days pass knowing it was going to be Wednesday? No. I mean I knew we were getting to the middle of June. I knew the 13th would fall sometime this week. But I hadn't put it into my mind which day of the week it would fall on.

But this morning as soon as I woke up I just KNEW that today was June 13th and the 4 year anniversary mark of the worst day of my life. How? Dreams, or rather nightmares. Specifically the one I had just before waking of my baby girl, so tiny yet walking, escaping from me in a classroom as we prepared to go. Of someone allowing her to get out of the door. Of someone helping her step down the curb and into the school parking lot as I chased her as fast as I could screaming for someone to stop her. Of everyone looking at me and ignoring me as my baby girl walked faster than I could run away from me out of the parking lot and out of sight. Of me screaming all the while for SOMEONE to stop her and pick her up and save her. And of feeling so intensely mad and bewildered that not only did no one stop her but that so many people helped her along the way.

Then I woke up and knew, it must be June 13th. My subconscious knows even if I do not. And I am left with the imprint of that very vivid dream to go about this day. Were there unseen helpers aiding her escape that day? Did angels help her escape her high chair and across the hot cement and up the steps to the spa? More importantly, were angels there to help her and comfort her as she drowned?

No matter how healed I become and I do feel mostly healed, I will never like June 13th.

And they're off...

Last night I took my parents to the airport. Today they are in London. Tonight they fly to Kenya. Next time I see them I will have moved past the diaper stage of motherhood. It is hard to imagine how the next two years will change our family and all the milestones my parents will miss in the lives of their grandchildren. But it is well worth the sacrifice.

I love my parents. I feel honored to have been raised by people who live what they teach. They have taught us all to be self sufficient and service oriented. It isn't always easy, but our lives are blessed through service and sacrifice.

My mom got a little teary as we hugged goodbye. "You'll be fine," I told her.

"I'm not worried about me," she replied.

A small chuckle escaped me. I reassured my mother that I would be fine. All of her kids would be. We are all married and have supportive spouses. We will be able to face the challenges that lie ahead.

People of Kenya ... take care of these two. They are pretty special.