Nap time

This came to my house today courtesy of Amazon.com. My husband set it up and Noble had his first nap longer than 30 minutes since Harrison was born. It was wonderful, especially considering that Harrison and I slept too!

I never thought I would be buying a crib tent. I just figured I could train the crib escaping kid to stay in his bed. However, I never imagined having a kid who would stay in their bed and fall asleep but only sleep for 10 minutes and then wake up and leave for the day.

So thanks to whoever invented this thing and Noble is going to have a good time "camping" in his crib for a few months ... or years. :)

Forgiveness

The last two days I have been immersed in trying to listen to our modern day prophets and apostles teachings as they speak in a world wide general conference. This has proven rather challenging with our highly sleep deprived almost 2 year old present.

Noble is sick and we are struggling to get him to sleep now that he won't stay in a crib. Naps have become almost totally impossible. I think we managed to get a 20 minute power nap in today. And considering the fact that he woke up for the day at 4 am it has been a bit crazy. But I digress ...

I did have one thought today as I listened to conference that I felt was worth blogging. I am not sure the talk being given addressed this topic specifically but it spurred a few thoughts on forgiveness in my own mind.

I think the talk was on repentance. As I listened I started thinking about forgiveness. I was thinking about how forgiving the Lord is when we turn to Him in sincere repentance. Whether the sin is great or small, the Lord is so generous to forgive the repentant sinner.

The Savior has instructed us to forgive our fellowman. It is not even our place to decide if forgiveness is merited by the sinner, we are simply to forgive and leave judgement to the Savior, who truly knows the state of the heart. Forgiving is actually a service to ourselves. It removes the bitterness of anger and revenge from our hearts and allows us to move past our sorrows and pain to a place of peace, regardless of whether the offender is sorry or not.

Some things are harder to completely forgive than others of course. Some things are so difficult to forgive they require the help of the Savior himself to let go of the pain. But I do believe forgiveness is always possible with the help of the Savior and it is always the best path for us.

As I thought about this, I thought about how so often the times it is hardest to dole out forgiveness is when the offender is yourself. Sometimes it seems that we must be the last person to forgive ourselves and if anyone is still hurting from our actions, including ourselves, we must hold that grudge and blame. The tragedy of this just hit me as I was listening.

What a tool Satan has in this self destructive pattern. I thought of a conversation I had with one my children a few days after Camille died. This child felt Camille's death was her fault. It wasn't. Any small thing any one of us did that day could have made that day different. It wasn't anyone's fault. Certainly not this child's. To hear her express this feeling literally broke my heart.

I talked to her about the difference between failing to prevent a tragedy and causing one to happen. I told her it was not her job to prevent such things. I told her that if she needed to blame someone, she could blame me. But the Truth was that it wasn't anyone's fault. It just happened and I felt strongly that it was Camille's time to go and if she hadn't drowned that day she would have died some other way and maybe some more painful way. We just can't know for sure.

And as I talked to her, I could see my Heavenly Father feeling the very same emotions I was anytime I blamed myself for not keeping Camille safe that day. The experience helped me forgive myself.

When we neglect to forgive ourselves once the Savior has forgiven us, we place ourselves as a higher judge than Him. I know how difficult it can be to forgive ourselves when we have either knowingly or unknowingly caused great pain to ourselves or others. But we are commanded to forgive all men, ourselves included. And I know that with the Savior's help, it is ALWAYS possible and it is always the best path.

Motherhood - Chapter 11 - Juggling

With every new baby, or even every new major schedule change, we mothers have to relearn the art of juggling. I have been engaged in that tiring endeavor this week. The first ball I have been trying to keep in the air is my older kids regular schedule. I prepared well for that by planning other people to do their driving so that one has been pretty easy.

The second ball I have been trying to keep in the air is an important one -- Sleep. This has been tricky. With a baby who likes to sleep all day and spend "quality time" with mom in the middle of the night, and a two year old who has figured out how to escape the crib at 5:30 a.m., and girls who like to read in the night and rarely go to sleep before 9:30 or 10, well lets just say the windows for my sleep are narrow.

Luckily both boys have still been napping. They are both asleep right now in fact. And I SHOULD be in my bed snoozing with them. But we have a workman here putting in overhead recessed lights and he is making too much noise for me to sleep. I would put in ear plugs but then I wouldn't hear the boys wake up. Hmm. Maybe I will get a nap later???

And then there are all the balls that are laying on the ground that I haven't even attempted to throw into the mix again yet. Among these are a few I HAVE to throw in soon - like laundry (need to do some today), grocery shopping, play dates or outings for Noble and Lauren (they are bored of being at home and want to "go, go, go" as Noble says), and then there are other kind of important things like showering regularly and all that. :)

But somehow we do somehow figure out how to eventually get all the "essential" balls back up in the air. Because, hey, we are mothers. That is just what we do. And quite frankly... we are amazing.

Winner Winner

We had 2 winners for the guess the baby stats game. Rebecca (the very first commenter) and Joyce Kay both guessed the exact right stats. 8lbs 3 ozs and 20 inches long.

Congrats to both of you. I would send you a prize but realistically I have no time. :) Your prize is the glory of knowing you win!

Thanks for playing everyone!

Today at the doctors Harrison weighed in at 7 lbs. 11 ozs and 21 inches long. He is growing!

The Birthday that Almost Wasn't

March 25, 2011

After four hours of sleep, Jonathan and I woke up at 3 a.m. to eat breakfast, get dressed and drive the 30 minutes to the hospital for our scheduled 4 a.m. induction. I was tired but had trouble sleeping the night before because I was so excited and anxious. My parents stayed over at our house so we wouldn't have to wake the kids. They couldn't sleep either. It was like Christmas Eve for adults.

Arriving at the hospital the staff took me straight to my labor and deliver room 234. I got dressed in the hospital gown and signed the consent forms. The nurse then put in my my IV. She had a hard time getting it in the vein. After she got it all taped down she realized it was leaking. She took all the tape off and readjusted it again and then wiped up all the blood that had leaked out.

That was about when I started to feel light headed. I am usually pretty good with blood and shots and that stuff. But that 15 minutes of watching a needle wiggling around under my skin was a bit much for me. She laid me down flat and put a cold cloth on my forehead. Then the lab came to take my blood. Nice timing. Apparently they couldn't wait 5 minutes so they drew my blood and I closed my eyes and tried to get my head back.

I felt better after a few minutes. It was 4:30 by this time we got the Pitocin going and I was feeling good and wondering how long it would be before we would meet out little baby.

I was dilated to 4 from the balloon but the baby was still very high up. (Which was actually not that bad. Just crampy for the first couple of hours but then it was no big deal.)

8 a.m. I have been on Pit and having contractions all this time. They have slowly been increasing my Pit.  My nurse checks me. No change. Bummer. More Pit. More contractions - every 3 minutes - they are tight and uncomfortable and won't allow me to sleep but not really painful. Just tiring. My nurse says maybe the doctor will come by at lunch.

12 noon - My nurse checks me again. No change. Big Bummer. She says she would break my water but the doctors orders won't let her with the baby so high. I am feeling a bit discouraged and say I don't think anything is going to change until my water is broken. She agrees with me. She says she will go call the doctor to see if he can come break my water.

She returns to tell me she talked to my doctor and based on her exam and how high the baby still is that the doctor will not be coming to break my water as he is worried about the cord prolapsing. Bummer. She says he has told her to increase the Pitocin so the contractions will bring the baby down. I am doubtful about the Pit producing any change at this point. I am tired and discouraged.

Around 2ish she checks me again and again no change. No surprise to me this time. I am beginning to think perhaps I have induced too early. This is reminding me of my first labor with Sabrina where I was maxed out on Pit for 12 hours at a fingertip dilation with no change. Nothing happened till the Dr. manually dilated me enough to break my water. Then I was in major pain from the Pit. It was a painful and awful labor. If I had to do it over again I would not have let him break my water. I would have gone home and come back a week later hoping my body would be more ready.

I like my nurse, Sheryl. She has had 5 babies of her own and has over 20 years of nursing experience. I express my concern to her that if the doctor won't break my water because the baby is too high and if the Pit isn't bringing the baby down ... what are my options? C section or go home? Given those choices I choose go home. I am beginning to think that is what this will come down to.  I mentally prepare myself to go home. My nurse tells me as long as my water isn't broken that is an option.

She asks if I want to talk to the Dr. on the phone to discuss that option. I do. She goes to get him on the phone for me. I am tired and discouraged but remembering that first labor I am fully prepared to go home and suffer another week of pregnancy if it means my body will more easily open up and let this baby come into the world. I am even willing to plan birthday parties through my anniversary for the next 18 years.

My parents and Sabrina and Annie have been waiting it out with me since about 9 a.m. I send them all to my inlaws so Jon and I can talk to the Dr. and decide whether to go home or not. I am expecting we will go home.

The nurse returns and says the Dr. will be there in 30 mins. to break my water. I am surprised but figure if he thinks it is safe we will go with it.

3:30 ish the doctor arrives. He has the nurse press down on my belly where the baby's head is to hold his head in place while he breaks my water carefully to make sure a seal is formed between the baby's head and cervix to ensure the cord will not prolapse. This is a rather painful procedure but I understand the need for the caution and I know it will not last long. After a few minutes the water is broken and my Pit has been halved so I won't be dying from contraction pain. I can immediately feel the difference in the contractions and my Dr. says I am at a 4.5 in dilation. I request the epidural.

4:00 - the epidural guy shows up. After a failed first placement, he starts over and gets it in the right place.

4:30 - the epidural starts to work. I become a new woman. For the first time in months I am not in pain and I feel elation. My nurse checks me and tells me the baby has moved down to a 0 station and I am dilated to a 6. This is good. Life is good. My nurse begins getting everything ready for a birth.

6 p.m. My nurse checks me and tells me I am an 8. We call my parents and tell them to have the girls head over as soon as they have had a bite of dinner. They were eating at the time.

6:30 p.m. I respond to a couple of texts and say I am feeling good. I feel a contraction through the epidural ... then another. My nurse comes in. I tell her "either my labor has changed and I am in transition or my epidural isn't working. She says she saw things on the monitor that told her I needed to be checked. She checks me. She tells me she is going to call the doctor. I am ready to go. She tells me to put my legs together.

I call my parents to tell them to come immediately. They are in the parking lot thankfully. They walk in 3 minutes later and are quickly followed by the doctor who sets immediately to getting ready.

6:40 I begin to push with a contraction. I feel the head slide out. Next contraction I push out the body. Relief. Sweet relief. He is born at 6:45 p.m. Just a bit over 3 hours after my water is broken. It ended up being a long day of labor but I feel good about the experience because it was relatively easy pain wise. We have a healthy baby and I feel great. The doctor rushes out to deliver twins who went complete the same time I did. He had 5 inductions that day at 2 different hospitals. Crazy busy day for him.

They weigh the baby. Before I see the weight I think, "oh no. I am way over in my guess of 8 lbs. 3 ozs.  He weighs in at 8 lbs. 2.9 ozs.  He is 20 inches long. He is beautiful and looks like a Harris. Jon finally gives final consent to naming him Harrison McKay (the name the girls and I have been planning on for months.)

My dad and Jon go get Noble and Lauren from grandmas house a couple of minutes away. They arrive and get to hold the baby. They are loving and absolutely thrilled to finally see the baby. Sabrina and Annie were there to see the baby born and loved seeing him come in to the world.

I am thrilled to find out the hospital has a nursery that will take the baby at night between feedings so I can sleep. I am happy beyond expression to not be pregnant and my see my sweet healthy baby. He doesn't even cry when he gets his first shot. He brings a spirit of peace to the room.

What a great day. A day to celebrate. I decide to stay a second night to take advantage of the sleep I get when Harrison is in the nursery. Sunday morning, March 27th, Jon brings the kids over to the hospital at 9 am and we check out. What a wonderful 12th wedding anniversary! A new baby for the family is present enough for us all.

Dressed and ready to go home.

Since we have been home - Lauren has said a couple of things worth noting. She says Harrison brings "too much of the Spirit into our home. It is too peaceful," she says. I tell her there is no such thing as too much of the Spirit but I can see what she means. I feel humbled to be in the presence of such a bearer of peace. I am trying really hard to keep the home peaceful around him even with all the energy of the 4 kids running around.

At dinner tonight we begin to note things for which we are grateful. Lauren's turn comes. She says she is thankful for such a peaceful and wonderful spirit to come into our home. I am touched that she is so sensitive to feel this. I agree with her sensitive comment.

Introducing...

Harrison McKay Waite

Born 3-25-2011 at 6:45 p.m.

Weighing in at 8 lbs. 3 ozs. (mama's prediction on the nose)

20 inches long (one inch shy of mama's prediction)

I am so incredibly happy. Happy to be no longer pregnant. Happy that the delivery went smoothly (more details later). Happy that my baby is healthy and safe. Happy I am recovering well. And super happy that this little guy is not a screamer. He has the most peaceful spirit. I am in awe. I need to make my home as peaceful as he is. He is already inspiring me. Thanks for the prayers and well wishes! -- Stephanie

Changes

I had my last OB appointment today. I am feeling pretty crampy now. The doctor is ripening my cervix using the balloon method. My mom has come over to save the day and "be me" today. She is doing my errands and packing my hospital bag and taking care of my kiddos for me. Mom's are the greatest, especially mine.

I am sitting on the recliner trying to count contractions. I am not very good at that. I have a hard time distinguishing contraction pain from my general tightness and the baby moving and just my overall hurting.  But one way or another I am very excited that I will no longer be pregnant in the next 24 to 36 hours.

Last night I had an awful night. I couldn't fall asleep. I just had this foreboding feeling and tons of anxiety. I get that every now and then since Camille's accident. I laid in bed with "worst case scenarios" playing over and over in my head till midnight when I finally got up and went downstairs to watch some TV. That seemed to settle my brain and I was able to fall asleep around 2 a.m.

I am not sure if the hospital I am going to this time has internet access in the delivery rooms like the one I had Noble did. If it does, I will blog from the hospital and let you all know how things go. If not you will have to wait till Saturday or Sunday.

This has been a big month in my family. An emotional one. I have other things to post about. Like the fact that my parents have just sold their home, my childhood home, the place I grew up, the home Jonathan and I lived in when we moved to Las Vegas from California, Camille's first home. It is an emotional thing. One I have cried a good deal of tears over and try not to think about too much. But I have a post in me on it. I will write it a bit later as they get closer to actually moving. They have to be out by May 15th but could move as soon as mid April depending on when they settle on the house they want to buy.

Change. It is inevitable, necessary, often painful, and hard to swallow. But it is part of life. And in the end, every change moves us forward and molds us a bit more into who we will eventually become.

Spring ... a Season of Celebration

A cold wind blows across the valley as I waddle from house to house stuffing fliers into my neighbors doors. It is March. April is just 10 days away. I have to get word out about the annual Easter neighborhood block party today. I have to give my neighbors a few days to RSVP before I have my baby at the end of the week.

I am hoping all the walking will put me into labor now. I would love to have a baby today ... or tomorrow. The sooner the better as far as I am concerned. But all my walking only seems to make my pelvis hurt and I feel no contractions. Bummer. Oh well, at least I got the fliers delivered and the baby will come in four days ready or not.

The tulips I planted last fall are beginning to bloom in my back yard. Camille's flower, blooming to signal that her birthday is also coming up. We will celebrate it as a family a few days after the block party. Then a few days later we will celebrate Easter.

I miss my little girl. But the hole in my heart she left when she died is no longer the open wound it once was. It is a tender scar. A memory of my greatest pain. A reminder of why Easter is the most hopeful holiday, of why life is so precious, of how important it is that I be the best mother and the best Stephanie I can be.

And perhaps more than this, that scar is a reminder to me of the healing power of the atonement. I am moved to tears just thinking about the miracle of it all. How is it possible that such a wound could ever feel healed? I don't know. And yet somehow, the Savior has made me feel whole again. Whole despite the hole. That doesn't even make logical sense. And yet my heart feels that way. But then feelings don't always follow logic now do they.

And so as I sip my hot chocolate and warm my insides after my cold walk of the neighborhood, I am filled with love and gratitude for my blessings. For the blessing of the life that will imminently join our family. For the 14 months I was privileged to mother a celestial soul. For the friends, family, and neighbors who held me up through my greatest trial. And for the Savior who in His own time and His own miraculous way healed my heart.

Spring, in my book and in my heart, is a season for celebration.

Motherhood - Chapter 10 - Personal Gems

As a mother we get to be the discoverer of personal precious gems. When we bring a new life into the world we never know what exactly we are getting. Sure we can usually find out if the baby is a boy or a girl. But what kind of person is that baby going to be? Will the baby be the content baby who loves to sleep and never fusses? Or will he or she suffer from colic and cry all hours of the day and night? We just don't know until we get the baby here and discover this for ourselves.

As each child grows and develops, we find out more about their personality, how they think and what their strengths and weaknesses are. I can think of each of my older children and specifically pinpoint some of their strengths that fill my heart with joy. When I see them displaying these strengths I feel as if I am the luckiest mother in the world and I just want to burst with love and joy.

Granted, I can also think of some of their weaknesses and feel like I am totally failing as a mother because they have these behaviors I have not been able to teach out of them... yet I hope. But we are all like that - a mix of strengths and weaknesses. Even as adults we struggle to be our best selves and over come some of those weaknesses that would make our mother's cringe. Sometimes, when my children are displaying their weaker sides, I try to remember and remind them of their best selves and how much I love it when they choose to be that person instead. It helps me at least to remember exactly how wonderful they really are even when they aren't acting like it.

Lately I have been finding such great joy in discovering some of the precious gems of personality my son has innately brought with him from heaven. This age of almost 2 is such a time of growth and insight into the mind of a child. I never got to this stage with Camille. There is so much unknown about her to me. So much left to one day discover. So seeing this stage with Noble has been all the sweeter.

Some of my favorite discoveries as late about my little son Noble:

He is clean. I LOVE this. I mean I really, really LOVE this. Probably because it is not a gift with which I was innately blessed. Some of my kids take after me and just drop their things where they are and walk off. I have improved in this over the years but I still am not perfect at picking up after myself immediately.

Noble on the other hand, much like Ann Marie, likes things clean and orderly. He is quick to put his shoes away in the shoe caddy when he comes in the house. He will gladly put all his toys away. He runs to get a rag to wipe up anytime he spills water or anything else. When he has a stinky diaper he immediately goes over and gets a box of wipes and takes one out to try to wipe himself and then tells me "Mama, I stinky." He likes his nose and face and hands to be clean. If he is drawing and gets some marker or ink on his hand he will want it wiped off. He is happy to help clean any room. One of his favorite toys is the toy vacuum. He also loves the real vacuum and will pull it out and pretend to vacuum the floor. He is going to be a great cleaner someday.

He is obedient by nature. Some kids will do exactly the opposite of anything you tell them to do. If you say to go inside they run the other way. I have one like this. It almost works better to ask her to do the opposite of what you want her to do. But Noble is not like this. Lately we have been playing out in the street out front since the weather has been good. I have been pleasantly surprised at how obedient Noble is about going to the sidewalk and staying there whenever a car is coming. He also will turn his trike around and come back toward me when I call to him that he is going too far away. I find this unusually obedient. I don't even have to get up and go turn his bike around. He just comes back. I LOVE this. Especially when I am 9 months pregnant and it isn't so easy to get up and get him.

He is loving. He is starting to talk more and I love to hear him tell us that he loves us. I love that he is generous with his kisses. I love that when we say his prayers he remembers to say everyone in the families name, Camille and grandparents included. I love that he is loving to the baby dolls in our house and the stuffed animals. Maybe that isn't very "boy" but I think it is a good sign of a gentle nature which I count as a huge strength in a man.

I love discovering these gems in my son. And I love when I see a new one pop up in one of my daughters these days. Somehow they feel like priceless jewels in the crown of a mother's glory even though we really have nothing to do with creating them.

Here are a few photos of my little guy watching his favorite show and mine, Little Bear.

Oh I've been discovered taking photos!

Links and Update

I have been doing lots of sitting lately. So I have been checking my email frequently and visiting a few sites here and there. Here are a few sites that have come to my attention in my inbox that I want to share.

My friend Emily has started a new crafty type blog. I don't have that crafty talent but I enjoy seeing what others create (and buying it if I like it.) Emily makes yummy food and shares her recipes and cute crafty things that she sells or teaches others how to make on this new blog. If that sounds up your alley go check her out at HERE.

Another family is experiencing the crippling pain of fresh grief after their fourth daughter Samantha Marie died on Sunday. She was just 2 months old. Knowing full well the power of many prayers, I ask you to take a minute and say one now for this sweet family.

On a separate note, I had my 2nd to last Dr. appointment today. Nothing is happening. Snickerdoodle looks good but I am not having contractions and my body is not starting labor anytime soon. Oh well. I am still 8 days away from having this baby out of my insides and in my arms. That is the update from here. Happy St. Patty's day everyone!

Shuffle, Shuffle, Waddle, Waddle

With only 9 days left to go before we get to meet the little son making me hurt day and night, I am finally starting to get excited for a baby. Really, I have mostly been looking forward to the impending birth as an end of my pain. I haven't thought too much about the little baby we will be getting in trade. But as the time is growing near I have felt the need to get ready.

It seems each day it gets harder to walk or sleep or get up and down now so I have been trying to get things prepared before it gets worse. This weekend we picked up a crib from my mom and dad and a small dresser they weren't needing anymore. Jon put them up in Lauren's room. (She doesn't sleep there. But her clothes and things are there. She prefers to sleep with Annie and Sabrina in their room in their pull out trundle.)

I had purchased a couple of extra crib sheets for this second crib. So we put the new crib sheet on. Then a couple of days ago we moved Noble's sound machine and blankets and babies (he likes to sleep with 2 baby dolls) over to the new crib. He started sleeping in that room that day and was happy about the change. He helped Lauren to bring all his clothes over to the new dresser. He was excited. He loves to help. He seems to understand that this is his new room and his new dresser. I just wish it weren't a pink room. (Lauren's choice when we moved here.)

I have thought about painting it for him but as soon as the baby starts to sleep through the night Noble will be moving back into the nursery. So I figure he will just have to be in the "pink room" for about 9 months.

Today I laundered all the baby clothes and folded them and put them in the nursery dresser. I think that has really started getting me excited for the little guy who will soon be wearing them. They seem so tiny and yet I know so often those tiny clothes seem huge on a newborn.

The days pass one by one, though sometimes it seems time is standing still. I hear the words of Shakespeare echoing in my mind ... Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day. And yet I am treasuring each day, each moment with my little family and my little children as I see them growing and changing right before my eyes.

Shuffle, shuffle, waddle, waddle, I move forward with time as best I can day after endless day.

Strength and Humility

I come from a long line of very strong personalities. Not that all of them were without grace or tact, some of them had those gifts in abundance. But many of my progenitors were type A, Red, opinionated, leader type people. As you can imagine these genes have been passed down in varying degrees to my generation and I can even see them in my some of my children.

For the most part, I am grateful for this streak of genetic strength. I am grateful to read accounts of my ancestors sticking to their beliefs in the face of great trial. I smile to think of my great great grandfather being the first to volunteer to make a 100 mile trip to join the Mormon Battalion. And I am even more pleased that when the appointed time came to leave and make the trip to join the group and he was the only one to show up, he started out on his own.

I gain strength from reading accounts of another ancestor, a butcher by trade, who, though starving enough to be boiling and eating his leather saddle bag, would not slaughter a mule he was delivering from a friend to his wife.

But I think the stories of my ancestors that teach me the most and that to me show the most strength are when these strong leader type personalities submit humbly to correction or instruction. To me there is no greater strength than submitting humbly to the will of the Lord, especially when it goes against what your will is. I think this humility is a most Christ like characteristic. I strive to develop it more fully in my life.

When Jonathan and I got married, one of the best pieces of advice the person who sealed us gave us was, "remember it is more important to have peace in the home than to be right." That has been invaluable advice to me. I think following this advice takes that same type of humility. It is like obeying your parents even when the instruction they have given you seems or is unneeded or trivial.

I hope I can develop that attribute more fully so that I can be moldable and teachable in the Lord's hands. I can practice by more fully accepting the council of my husband and my ecclesiastical leaders. Whether it is my Relief Society President, my Bishop, my Stake President, or one of the General Authorities, I can make myself more teachable by following their counsel, even when I don't understand or even fully agree with it. To me, that is the ultimate show of strength.

Yesterday we had ward council and we were given counsel from our leaders that I could easily say, "well, that doesn't apply to me because I am 9 months pregnant and I have all these kids so I don't have time to do that." But my great, great grandfather also could have gone back home when he saw he was the only one who showed up to make the long journey to join the Mormon Battalion. It would have been reasonable to do so. But I think I will choose to make journey of obedience, regardless of my own feelings about the degree of importance of the counsel in my own life.

And when we have General Conference in a few weeks, perhaps I will be a bit more moldable and ready to receive the counsel that will be given to me then.

Motherhood - Chapter 9 - Heroes

Motherhood gives women a new inner fierceness that many don't even know they have. It is the "mama bear" fierceness. You only see the full effects of it when your child or children are in danger. And then you will surprise yourself at what you will do to protect and defend your child.

I remember the first time I felt this. Sabrina was just a toddler and Annie was a babe literally in my arms. We were in California out in front of our house playing with our neighbors across the street. I remember Sabrina was out in the street (I can't remember if she was just playing or had run out). Then a big huge truck came speeding down the street with no regard for the speed limit.

Here I was with my baby in my arms and I ran into the street to grab Sabrina. I am not sure if I expected I would be able to pick Sabrina up (because I couldn't have without dropping my baby) or if I was single handedly going to stop that truck. But at that moment, I just acted to get to my child regardless of my own safety. Luckily the truck saw me and slowed down in time for me to get Sabrina out of the street. And then I thought how stupid it was for me to put all three of us in the path of the truck. But I guess it ended up a good thing since the truck saw me easier than it would have a little toddler.

Yesterday my sister-in-law Nikki wrote to me about a hero of a mother, Kim Beck, who was not as lucky. She had all 5 of her kids aged 10 and under in her van. She saw the family dog out and took the van out of gear and jumped out to grab the dog and put him away. In the midst of that, she realized with horror that only a mother can imagine that her van was rolling backward in Neutral instead of Park.

She jumped behind the van to stop it. I am sure she felt that Mother Bear instinct that I felt that day jumping out into the street in front of that speeding truck. But she was not strong enough to stand against all the weight of the van. It ran over her and stopped on top of her chest. All the children were safe, but Kim was not. She was pronounced brain dead in the hospital and her organs, including her mother heart were donated to save other lives.

To me this woman epitomizes a Mother Hero. She acted to save her children. She died doing so. And then she continued to save lives after her death by donating her organs. I am so saddened for her husband, children, siblings and parents who must face the days, weeks, months, and years ahead without her. I hope those reading will go read about Kim HERE and show her family some love at this time of such great pain and grief.

36th Week: Guess Snickerdoodle's stats

Tomorrow I will be 37 weeks pregnant. When I made Noble's baby book I got to see a photo of myself at 36 weeks pregnant with Noble. Here is that photo for you all:

So just for comparison I took some photos of myself at 36 weeks and 2 days with this little Snickerdoodle. Here are a couple of those:

The first one is Jon's view and the second I took of myself, obviously,  in the mirror. Note my hair. Later that day I went to see my sister in law Diana and she chopped it off for me.

Here is what I look like this morning, a day before 37 weeks:

Here is a closer up on the new hair.

So today I am 16 days away from giving birth. I am officially due on March 31st. I have never had a baby before my due date. I don't really want to have another baby in April. That is the month Camille was born and I want to save that month as hers. I like to focus the month on Easter and Camille. Jon and my anniversary is March 27th. So I have decided that I am going to have the doctor induce me on March 25th. I would rather spend the next 18 years planning birthday parties before my anniversary and then being able to relax and enjoy time with Jonathan rather than spending my anniversary stressing out about a birthday party.

I know it sounds silly to induce for all those reasons, but I live so far from the hospital that the Dr. wants to induce me anyway and I am in so much pain with this pregnancy that I am fully voting for the sooner the better. Some mornings I wake up and think, "geez, can I just get the epidural now?" Noble's pregnancy was so much easier. I was so much stronger and in so much less physical pain. Doing pilates really helped me physically with that pregnancy. This one I was sick for so long that by the time I felt well enough to get back to pilates I was already 7 months and didn't feel good about starting to exercise at that point.

Anyway, so I scheduled to be induced at 4 a.m. on March 25th. I will be 39 weeks and 1 day. My last 3 babies I have been just a couple days over my due date. Noble was 8 lbs. 12 ozs. Camille was 7 lbs. 7 ozs. and Lauren was 9 lbs. 4 ozs. I was a full week over my due date with Ann Marie and she was 8 lbs. 6 ozs. and Sabrina's due date was questionable but she was 7 lbs. 14 ozs. Their heights ranged from 19 to 21.5 inches.

So does anyone want to guess how big this baby will be? Let's see who can guess closest!

Motherhood - Chapter 8 - Memory

Several weeks ago my husband and I watched an episode of 60 minutes where they highlighted people who could remember every waking minute of their lives in perfect detail. They could remember what they had for dinner on any insignificant day of any year and what they were thinking and whom they were with and what was said by everyone at the table.

In some ways this seemed like a super power. It was really incredible. Most everyone who they had found who had this gift (I think there were about 6) loved having it. Sure there were some negatives. Like the fact that if someone asked them about an emotionally difficult day or time of their life, they would refeel all those feelings as if they were right back in that moment. But they also got to relive all the happy moments in the same way too.

I have to admit, I went to sleep a bit envious that night. How I wish I could remember every sweet and precious moment of my motherhood experience. Of course I feel this way especially about my time with Camille. Without new memories to create everyday, I feel like in my fading memory I lose a shade of her more every day.

But I would love also to remember in perfect detail lots of little details like pretty much every moment of holding Sabrina when she was newly born. I would love to be able to recall with perfect detail Annie's voice and all the words and reason she used when she was just a year old. I would love to be able to hear Lauren's little girl voice in my head at any given moment. And I would remember every minute of Noble's cuteness right now.

This morning as I woke I had a memory come back to me. It is not a perfect memory. I don't remember even which year it was 2006 or 2007. I am pretty sure it was 2007 and I am pretty sure it was in the late spring of that year. But I unfortunately do not have perfect recall. We were living at my parents house and they were on their mission in Kenya.

What I do remember is that the grass in their extensive backyard was a bit long and blooming. It was a beautiful day weather wise. (Which pretty much means it had to be Spring sometime.) The girls and I were outside in the backyard and there were hundreds of ladybugs all flying around in the grass. It was magical. It was a sweet day and I wish so much that I could remember this and all the other sweet simple moments of motherhood with perfect detail.

I believe that someday I will have this gift. I believe we all will. Someday when this mortal life is behind us, I believe we will be able to perfectly recall every moment of our mortal lives. I look forward to that day. And that makes me think about something one of these women with perfect autobiographical recall said about how this gift has affected the way she lives her life. She said that she tries to make every moment count, because every moment is one she will remember forever so she tries to make the most of them.

I could do better at that. Every moment is one that one day I will remember. My moments are finite. My moments with my children here in my home and at these ages are gone as soon as they are experienced. I want to be better about making the most of these moments so that my memories will be sweet. And hopefully by writing some of them down I will be better able to remember a few of them while here in this life.

Top Book Picks

Thanks for all the great book suggestions. Someone suggested a post on my favorite books. I found it highly interesting that some of my favorite books were included in some of the suggestions that came in from some of you with wonderful literary taste. :)

In trying to think of my top 5 favorite books I got a little anxious because I like several different genres of books and it is hard to compare a classic to a quick read the I love. Does that make sense? So I am going to do my top books in various categories instead. It just helps me organize my brain better and it will let you know the genre and if you like that genre you can look into it more.

So let's start with "The Classics"
1) East of Eden by Steinbeck
2) Grapes of Wrath by Steinbeck
3) Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin
4) Much Ado About Nothing by Shakespeare
5) Great Expectations by Dickens
6) Little Women by Alcott

Historical Fiction:
1) These Is My Words by Nancy Turner
2) The Agony and The Ecstasy by Irving Stone
3) The Work and the Glory Series by Lund
4) The Tennis Shoes Series by Heimerdinger

Biography:
1) John Adams by David McCullough
2) Truman also by McCullough
3) The Blind Side by Michael Lewis
4) The Message by Lance Richardson

Teen / Fantasy / Science Fiction:
1) Twilight Series
2) The Hunger Games Series
3) Maze Runner Series
4) I am Number Four
5) The Mistborn Series
6) Harry Potter Series

I could probably keep adding to these lists for quite a while. But I have to pick up the Kindergarten crew from school now so I will stop. I am going to look into the Ladies Detective agency as many of you suggested that. I also picked up a couple of the other books you suggested. Looking forward to reading them.

Chain Emails - What to think about when sitting.

What do you do when you get one of those chain emails? I have gotten these countless times from lots of my good friends over the years. Years ago when I first got them and if they were something I thought might be a good idea (like the recipe exchange one) I would go ahead and send them along. But I never once got a single thing back from them.

So then when I got them I felt bad not keeping up the chain because I didn't want to let the person down who was expecting something but I also didn't want to obligate any of my friends to keep the chain going. I came up with a new solution. Now when I get one of these I email back the person who sent it to me and tell them I just don't do any chain things and if it is for a recipe thing or something simple like that I send a couple of recipes along with my email so they can get something out of it.

What do you do? And who starts these things?

I know this is a random post but it is what popped into my head when I was thinking about what to write about today. I have spent much of today sitting. I sit a lot lately. My pelvis is coming apart and it hurts to walk or do anything else that requires me to lift one leg without the other. So I have been sitting.

I need a good book to read. I just ordered a few off Amazon. Some Deeanne Gist novels I haven't read. I like her books because they are set in historical settings and they are clean. I also ordered another that Amazon recommended. We'll see about that one.

Other than that I have watched my fair share of Little Bear with Noble. He is napping now. I am obviously scrapping for blogging subjects. Any suggestions?

It is March!!!

I don't think I have been this excited to welcome the month of March since 1999 when I knew I was getting married in March. I have been singing and dancing "24 days till we have a baby! 24 more days!" all around the house and to the kids this morning.

So bring it on March winds and March madness and March everything else. I welcome you all!

Know Thyself

Tonight I talked to my mom for a while. She spent the day going through a filing cabinet of her father's papers deciding what to keep and what to toss. She found so many of the talks he had written and given and letters from him to friends of his that were so beautifully written they brought her to tears. She found important papers like marriage certificates and letters he received that meant enough to him to keep.

Our conversation has had me thinking about my grandfather tonight. I had always admired him as a kid because he served as a U.S. Senator during WWII. But the things my mother shared with me tonight - the things he felt were important enough for him to keep till his dying day - were not letters from the President or invitations to the White House. They were more personal- church talks and eulogies, letters to friends.

My grandparents lived in town. I was always really close with my grandmother. She oozed love. But Grandad was intimidating to me as a little kid and I never felt a real closeness to him even as I grew older. I mean I loved him and I respected him tremendously. But he wasn't the kind of grandpa I went to talk to about how I was feeling or anything.

Talking to my mom tonight has given me a bit of a new perspective on who my grandfather really was and what was really important to him. And in learning more about him, I feel as though I am learning more about myself and who I ought to be. I find it amazing how learning more about our ancestors can really help us know ourselves better.

I feel blessed to have a bit of him living in me, not because of any job he had or title he held, but because of his firmness of faith, his charitable heart, and his ability to write his feelings. Even though he lived until I was 24 and I knew him all those 24 years, I feel in some ways that I have come to know him better in the years since his death, particularly the past 3 years than I ever did while he was alive. I have felt his love and support more. Perhaps because I have needed it more.

It is a sweet note in a bitter trial to grow closer to and know more fully those who watch over you from heaven.

My Princess

My mother gave Ann Marie a journal for her baptism. I had her sit down and write out how she felt that day and what she could remember about the day before she went to bed that night. One thing she wrote struck me. She wrote that when she was being confirmed a member of the LDS church and given the gift of the Holy Ghost she felt like she was in a castle.

I loved this observation of hers. If you have never seen someone confirmed - the person being confirmed usually sits on a chair and those confirming him or her stand around the person with their hands placed upon the person's head. In Annie's case, there were several people participating in this confirmation. Her father gave the blessing but he was joined by her grandfathers and several uncle's in doing so. So all these men (at least 7 of them) stood in a circle around her with their hands on her head. She was in a way surrounded by these stone pillars of the priesthood. How fitting that she should say she felt as if she were in a castle.

Her description inspired me to write a little something to help her remember this feeling and how on point her feeling was. It isn't the masterpiece I wish it were. But it is better than nothing written at all.

My Princess

Little girl dressed all in white, a true princess clean and pure.
You sit in a tower of priesthood stone, feeling sublimely secure.
Hands placed upon your head, crown you with Heaven's gift.
A comforter to be your friend and always give you a lift.

Here you are safe.
Here you are sure.
Here you are surrounded
By love,
By faith,
By family,

Out into the world you now must go, outside of your castle walls.
Choosing daily between good and bad, defining just who you will be.
Oh remember the princess you are, and the Friend who is yours to seek.
Keep Him with you to guide you Home and you will always be free.

Motherhood - Chapter 7 - Pain and Pleasure

It is 3 am. I have been up for the last 70 minutes with pain in my lower belly area keeping me from going back to sleep. I got up and took a couple of Tylenol about 50 minutes ago. I was hoping this would help and I could go back to sleep. Obviously that didn't work so well.

Maybe I will turn on Little Bear. That show always makes me sleepy. Noble likes that show and will sit on my lap through almost 15 minutes of it. It is a sweet time of day for me because I get some sleepy cuddle time with him, even if it is only for 15 minutes.

"30 days. I can do it right? 30 days." This is what I say to myself and the girls tonight as I soaked my aches in the bath. "Tell me I can do it girls. 30 days." They are good cheerleaders. They tell me I have come so far and I can totally do it. Then they sit with me on my bed after I get out of the bath and lotion my legs and feet and scratch and "massage" my back while I read to them.

There is great love in the room. Even my 5 year old can feel it. In a break from reading we talk about how we can feel Camille with us at times like this. Lauren notes how she can feel it Camille right then because of how loving we are all being to each other. We all feel it. And even through my physical pain, I know that this is the reason I suffer - so that I may have more of the sweetness of such experiences with my children.

Our first mother Eve knew there would be pain involved when she partook of that forbidden fruit. But she chose to suffer so that she could also know the sweet pleasure of posterity. And so motherhood is an eternal balance between the sublimest of pleasures and the severest of pains.

Motherhood - Chapter 6 - Distance

I have been thinking about the transitions we go through in life that put more distance between us and our mothers or between us and our children. Some of these transitions are gradual like a child starting school. Some of them are more abrupt like a child moving out of our home or out of our state.

It is a good thing to raise children who are independent and can stand on their own two feet in the world. After all, the time will likely come when they will have to. Ultimately death will be the great divider that will distance us from our children. And as much as we will hate to endure the separation, we will have to prepare ourselves to live without our parents and our children to one day live without us.

Knowing this reality doesn't make taking even the most gradual steps of distance away from out parents or offspring any easier. Even when the "closeness" becomes uncomfortable or even downright painful and the distance is greatly desired, it is still accompanied with mixed feelings and often nostalgia.

The same is often true on the reverse side from a child's perspective. I know each of my moves further from my parents has come with tears even when I was excited about the new adventure upon which I was embarking.  College, law school, marriage -- each step was a step further from my childhood and my life at home with my parents.

And so as I enter my ninth month of pregnancy, I think once more of one of my favorite poems by Carol Lynn Pearson. It reminds me that no matter the distance between a mother and her child, the bonds of mother love can and will always keep us close.

The Ninth Month

Being a duplex
I have been happy, my dear,
To loan you half the house
Rent-free and furnished
As best I could.

You have been a good
Tenant, all in all
Quiet, yet comfortably there
Tapping friendly on the wall.

But I hear
You have outgrown the place
And are packing up to move.
Well, I will miss
The sweet proximity.
But we will keep in touch.
There are bonds, my dear,
That reach beyond a block
Or a mile or a hemisphere
Born of much love and labor.

I approve the move
And gladly turn from landlady
To neighbor.
--Carol Lynn Pearson

On One Hand

I can now count on one hand the number of weeks till I deliver this baby. That makes me happy. I feel all full of baby. I can feel all the body parts shifting and moving trying to get comfy in there. Getting comfy is no longer an easy task for either of us.

I can also count on one hand the number of doctor appointments I will have before I have the baby. One hand it good.

I need to put Noble's baby book together tomorrow. I told myself I would get it done before I had this baby.  :) I figure I better get moving on that commitment. I have everything ready to do it. I just have to compile all my blog entries on him and my pregnancy and print them out to put in the book. Tomorrow. Gonna do it.

I also need to put together my 2010 blog book. Not sure when I am going to get to that. Hopefully sometime before fall? For now I am running around after my mischievous Noble getting him out of trouble right and left. Which I have to do now. More on my Motherhood series coming up soon...

My Little Valentines

We had a great Valentine's day filled with fun surprises yesterday. Jon and the girls surprised me with a bed filled with candy hearts and little Valentine's cards and a nice gift of chocolates and pampering things like bath salts and lotions and a book. It was a perfect relaxation package.

I made white chocolate covered strawberries for Jonathan. They are one of his favorite things. I sent surprise "vala-grams" to the girls through the school. I usually never send thing through the school so they were really surprised and happy about that. I made them special chocolate croissants for breakfast and they came home to a lovely classic valentine's gift from mom and dad.

Who doesn't love flowers for Valentine's day? I went to Trader Joe's and picked up a bunch of each person's flowers. While I was there, I saw the Calla Lilies with the shock of white on top and with Noble sitting in the cart next to me with his shock of white hair on top ... well I just made the impromptu decision to make Calla Lilies represent him. He may not like flowers but it will be something I can give myself to remember him. He still reminds me of a puppy but I can't exactly give him puppy things every Valentine's Day or birthday. We don't even have a dog and probably never will so... Calla Lilies it is.

Tulips for Camille in Valentine colors.

Roses for Ann Marie.

Strong tall pure Calla Lilies for Noble.

Bright happy colorful Gerber Daisies for Sabrina.

And fun vibrant Star Gazer Lilies for Lauren. 

Hopefully these will open up today. 

The girls were thrilled by their flowers and all those flowers just make me happy every time I walk by them. They remind me of all the many beautiful gifts my Father and Heaven has blessed me to have in my home.

Motherhood - Chapter 5 - Community Service

When I was in law school, I grew to love a family of children who lived a few miles from me. The Jenkins were a family of 14 children though I only ever knew 5 of them. The other 9 were in foster care. They all had the same mother but different fathers. The 5 I knew and loved were being raised by their wheelchair bound grandmother as their mother and varied fathers were all in prison.

Somehow I started taking them to church every Sunday. And I sat with them through Sacrament meeting. I taught several of them in seminary and others in primary. They lived in one of DC's rougher neighborhoods. The oldest was 16 and already had a juvenile record. I tried to inspire them every week that they could avoid that life and be more if they would follow the teachings of Christ and apply themselves in their education.

I am not sure whatever became of these children. I still love them. I am a little afraid to know what became of them. There is only so much someone outside the home can do to help someone out of such circumstances. But this experience changed the way I looked at motherhood.

I remember distinctly walking through the ghetto to work one morning and thinking to myself about how sad it was that these 14 spirits had to come to earth in such hard circumstances. I felt so blessed to have been born to good parents who loved me and took care of me and taught me to be honest and to have basic values. I thought about how there are so very many good parents out in the world today, but very few of them have 14 children. What is the average now? 2.3?

This was back when Jonathan and I were nothing more than friends. But I knew he would be an excellent father and I knew that if he and I ever did get together we would make a great partnership as a couple and as parents. I said to myself in that moment, "If I ever married Jon Waite, I think I would have 12 kids. I would want to give as many spirits as I could the chance to come to a home with stable parents who love each other and would love and teach them truth and goodness."

Now my whole idea about the number 12 has been rather altered :) by reality and experience. But this line of thinking changed my perceptions of motherhood. I now see that being a good mother is the greatest act of community service we can do.

I practiced criminal defense law for a year before I had Sabrina. I look at my transition from that life to motherhood as a shift from damage control to prevention. Good mothers everywhere - whether they work outside the home or not - are all engaged in that great community service. We are doing the best we can to raise up productive, honest, contributing members of our society. We are investing our efforts into the literal creation of a brighter future for our society.

In a world that sometimes seems so dark and troubled, I don't know of any better way I can serve help it than to bring more good people into it and teach them to share their goodness with others. So to all you mothers out there who are loving your children and taking care of them every day, teaching them right from wrong -- THANK you for the great act of community service you are doing day by day, year by year.

Baptism Day

Today was a wonderful day. I was much more organized for this baptism day than I was for Sabrina's and it helped me feel lots less frazzled and enjoy the day more.

Annie looked wonderful in her lovely sweater dress. She looked great in her jumpsuit too, though she told me it was way too big. What can you do when you are just little? She said the water was warm and it felt good. I loved watching her immersed in the water and being brought out by her father. There is something so special about watching this ordinance take place. It is very much like watching a different, less messy, kind of birth. I treasure it.

Several of Annie's friends were also baptized today so we got to see them in the bathroom when we were getting dry and ready for confirmation. Danielle Stewart, Sophie Sherrell, and Brynlee Smith were all there with us.

Annie had so many family and friends there to support her in this big step. Present were the following: Grandpa Harris and Nana, Grandpa and Grandma Waite, Aunt Lesli, Uncle Rod, Jack and Morgan, Aunt Elizabeth, Stella Harris, Isaac, Aunt Julene, Joseph, Allyese, Angelina, Benjamin, Uncle David, Uncle Stephen Waite, Uncle Spencer, Aunt Marleen, Nora, Aubrey, Anna, Stephanie and Abby Morris, Justin and Sarah Striblin with their daughters Abigail and Madeline, Chesley Davies, Rebekah Martin with Hailey, Hannah and Lily Martin, Mandy Norton, the Sherrell family, and Ryan Gibson from the Bishopric. Annie's great Aunt Helen and Uncle Jay and Aunt Diana came over to the house after to congratulate her as well.

Her Aunt Lesli gave a great talk on the Holy Ghost and told her lots of ways the Holy Ghost can speak to us. She pinned all these ways that were written on papers to a blanket that represented the Holy Ghost and had Annie walk across the room with the blanket following her as long as she made right choices. Annie loved being in front of the crowd. She liked Aunt Lesli's talk and it answered lots of her questions.

Now I am a tired Mama. This was our last big family event before the birth of our sixth child and I am glad not to have to worry about anything else between now and then. With all the contractions I have been having the last couple of days, I will be glad to just rest for a bit. :)

You know, Aunt Lesli said in her talk that one of the ways the Holy Ghost speaks to us is by giving us a warm feeling in our heart. Some even describe this as a burning. As I sit here and write this now, I feel that in my heart. I know that today I witnessed a great event and that the Lord and the hosts of heaven, Camille included, are pleased with the events of this day.

I love this girl!

Tomorrow my little Ann Marie is going to take a giant leap closer to Home as she follows the example of the Savior by being baptized. My sister helped me put together a baptism announcement card. The above picture is the front with the baptism details in the white space to the left of Annie. The back is featured below.

I am excited for this special occasion. I just can't believe that my little Annie is already 8. My how time flies. This little lady is going to be sneaking up on me in her growing up for years to come I think.

I love this girl. I love this girl. I LOVE this girl!!!

Anxious and yet...

I have 45 days left in this pregnancy. It has been and continues to be a difficult pregnancy. I am sick of my own complaining. :) I am rather anxious to be done. I have been anxious for it to over almost since the beginning. And yet as I come to the last weeks of this pregnancy I find another emotion invading my heart.

With every other pregnancy I have known I would have another child. This time, well, I just don't know that. I don't know that this will be our last child, but I also don't know that it won't. And so as I near the end of this pregnancy I find myself feeling a bit like a kid anxious for what may be her last Christmas, at least for a very long time.

To me, the labor and delivery experience is so miraculous and wonderful and magical. It is like Christmas. There is the wonder and excitement of meeting your child face to face. It is like opening the most incredibly beautiful, wonderful, magical present ever.

And so I feel a bit nostalgic about nearing the end of this pregnancy. There are so many reasons I will be glad to move on from this child bearing stage of my life. And yet, I recognize and appreciate what a wonder filled and amazing time of life this is. It is miraculous. I want to savor the last kicks in my belly (though they do often hurt now) and I want to capture forever the birthing of my babies.

I told Jon about how I was feeling last night. I told him I may be more weepy than normal with this birth just because part of me will be sad to think it may be the last time I birth a child. Then this morning as I was bringing in the groceries something shifted and my hips just started hurting like mad. Maybe part of the reason each pregnancy seems harder than the last is so that by the end it is easier to move on from this magical and yet painful stage of life.

A Good Sunday

Today was a really good Sunday. It wasn't a perfect day. Those are so very few and far between. But every time things seemed to be going sour something turned them around to sweet.

It was Annie's first time fasting. In our family, kids begin fasting (going without food or drink for 2 meals on the first Sunday of the month) when they turn 8. She was not very excited about this. But she decided to do it after we had talked with her about why we fast.

At church we have a testimony meeting on fast Sunday. This is where people from the congregation are invited to come and share their witness of the Savior or aspects of His gospel. I was alone with the girls at church as Noble is sick. Annie was being a bit obstinate at the start of church. I was frustrated with her. I felt my peaceful mood being sucked out of me. I was mad at myself for letting her get to me.

Then as people began to share their testimonies she came over and showed me that she had written down her own testimony to share. Just then I noted that Sabrina had gone up to share. She gave a sweet simple testimony that the church and the scriptures are true. Then I read Annie's. It turned my sour mood right around.

"I'd like to bear my testimony that I know the church is true. I am glad Heavenly Father gave me good parents and sometimes we don't want to do some things but we have to do them sometimes and when we do we are following the example of Jesus. In the name of Jesus Christ Amen."

Simple yet profoundly true. She asked me to go up with her to give it. So I did. I shared my own testimony of fasting. Mostly I wanted my children to know that I knew the power of fasting. I tried to hold my voice steady as I shared how, as one who has been fasted for by many, many people, I knew of a surety the power of a fast to help and strengthen those who are suffering. It may be uncomfortable for a short time for those fasting but the powerful effect it can have on those for whom the fast is being offered can feel of its power.

I also shared how after Camille's death I fasted every Sunday for a long time and how it seemed every Saturday I would feel so low and get to the point that I just didn't feel as though I could go on. Then I would start to fast and by Sunday I could feel strength coming back to me and I just felt like I could get through this. I could make it. It was a short testimony but teary for me to share.

Sharing it made me tender the rest of the day. Just thinking back on all the love shared with us through fasting and prayers during that time hits my heart. Plus the principle of fasting really helped me get through that very difficult time as I applied it personally so it is one I feel emotional about.

As soon as we got home from church, I made my super yummy homemade pancakes. The girls were happy they had completed their fast and they got one of their favorite things to eat. Tonight we had a family home evening about fasting, of course. It capped our fasting day off right.

All in all a good day with a sweet spirit here to help us teach and learn from each other. I love a good Sunday like that.

Look Who Is 8!

I am a bit late with this post. But better late than never. Our little Ann Marie turned 8 a couple weeks ago. She had a Tangled party the week before her birthday. It was a lot of fun with 15 friends. We took them to Tangled in a theatre and then picked up bean and cheese burritos for everyone on the way home. That was Annie's food request. After the burritos we had ice cream cake.

We hurried and opened presents as parents arrived to pick the kids up. Annie had a good time. That is what is most important.

I remember the day she was born. It was an 83 degree January day in Long Beach, California. Her birth was fun. It was almost too easy. 5 hours from checking in for induction till delivery. I had about 3 contractions to breath through then I got the epidural. I played games with my sister in law Elizabeth and Jonathan waiting to be ready to push.

When I was ready to push we waited about 20 minutes for my mom to arrive and then Annie came on out to join us. She almost came out by herself. I hardly had to help at all. She was a beautiful baby. But she was quite the crier. She is my little rose, beautiful, complicated and yet there are thorns to watch out for. I love her for all her beauty and all her thorns. She is a masterpiece in my eyes.

Happy Birthday my sweet, beautiful, smart, super soft skinned, super fast running, strong and iron willed Annie. I love you more than you can know.


Photos below were taken by my sister Lesli for her baptism invite cards. We used others for the card. Can't wait for everyone to get them. They turned out awesome. Thanks Lesli!

Motherhood - Chapter 4 - The Power of a Simple "Thanks Mom"

My sweet Sabrina! How lucky I am to have this girl in my life.

Last night we were kneeling down to say family prayer. It was late. Okay it was only 8:30 ish but these days that feels late. Jon had been out of town for the day. Luckily it had been a low key day so I was doing pretty well. But like every night, I had reached that point in the day where my belly just hurt. 

As I kneeled down, I grunted in pain. My pelvis is separating too much again and it can be rather painful. We got the kids settled and said prayers. Then after our prayer was over I told Sabrina and Annie to go brush their teeth. As Sabrina walked past me to get to the bathroom she bent over and gave me a hug and a kiss. Then she said, "Thanks for carrying baby Snickerdoodle for all of us, Mom." 

You know, this whole pregnancy I have been feeling so bad that I am such a gimp and can't be the mother I want to be for my older children. I hate that part of being pregnant. It is hard to be physically limited by sickness and then all that comes with the big belly. In that one simple statement of gratitude my sweet daughter made me feel so much better. I just love her. And I am so grateful that she sees the bigger picture and appreciates me. Moments like this are the real "payment" in Motherhood.

Motherhood - Chapter 3 - Buckets

Becoming a mother to many children, I expected to be busy. I expected to have schedules to coordinate and chores to do, lessons to help with and diapers to change. But the more children I have had and the older they have grown I am finding new challenges far more taxing than the "chores" of motherhood. it is these unexpected burdens that make me wonder how women with 9 or 10 children or more do it.

I have always said that everyone has their own bucket in life. This bucket holds all your trials and troubles. I have even said that I wouldn't necessarily want to trade buckets with very many people. I prefer to keep my own, even with the doozy of losing Camille in it. It still seems lighter to me than so many other possible buckets I see other people carrying.

Maybe I would trade individual trials in my bucket for individual trials in another bucket, but that is not the way buckets are weighed. Not that we can trade buckets or trial anyway. But each person's bucket must be taken as a whole. And if one person's bucket seems empty to you, you probably just can't see the big thing in their bucket because they keep it secret. Or if you feel you bucket seems empty ... just wait. No one gets through life with an empty bucket.

What I hadn't really connected before having many children who are growing up right and left is how each child has a bucket and how that affects their mother. I guess, until just recently I hadn't realized that each mother carries a bucket within her bucket for each of her children. And in each child's bucket is all the problems and worries and trials that child has to go through in life that the mother knows about or worries about.

Sometimes the mother's bucket for a child may be more burdensome than the child's own bucket is for him or herself. Because sometimes we as mothers can see dangers our children can't and thus we worry more and their bucket is heavier on us than it is on them. Sometimes, when we can't do anything to help our child and he or she is severely hurting, it is the heaviest kind of burden of all.

Multiply that by the number of children you have ... well I guess I have just been thinking I hope that God makes sure my children's trials are spread out so I can bear the burdens of their buckets plus my own through all the rest of the days of my life.

On the flip side, these buckets also contain all the joys and happiness in ones life. So the mother of many may have more joy and happiness at certain times than others if all her children are well and happy. Her joy is multiplied by the joy of her children.

I imagine having all your family together in the temple for a wedding would be one of those most outpourings of joy most keenly felt by a mother (and I guess father too). I remember my brother Darren's wedding felt exceptionally joy filled.

Darren was the last of my siblings to get married. The other 4 of us got married within 16 months of each other in the years 1999 and 2000. Darren had about 7 years as the only single sibling in our family and got married in Oct. of 2007 at the age of 30. We were thrilled that Darren was getting married. It was kind of like getting a brother back since he had been living such a different life as a single adult than we were all living for those years in between.

He married my wonderful sister in law Nikki. She is one of 11 children and was the last of her siblings to be married as well. She was 29 I think when they married. All of us in our family fell in love with her and were so excited to have her join our family. Plus we knew she would be great for Darren too. :)

In the temple at their wedding, all of her siblings and their spouses were present and all of my siblings and our spouses were present. My parents were there and Nikki's dad was there. Her mother, who passed away years before, brought with her the hosts of heaven to attend. I have been to many weddings, but none felt quite as whole and full as this one did. I can only imagine how it must have felt for my mother and even more so for Nikki's mother, with her heavenly perspective.

So I guess when the buckets feel heavy we must cling to the memories of the joys and the hopes of joys to come. And remember and rely on He who carries all our buckets with us. For His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

Gifted

Yesterday I read the novel Gifted by Karey White. It was an interesting read. I has had me thinking today. The story line kept me turning the pages as I became more and more familiar with the characters in the book. It told the story of a gift with unusual gifts. At first I didn't think her "gifts" were so dramatic or profound. But as the story developed the application of her gifts and the effects they had on those around her made me think.

Mostly, I think the story made me think about what a blessing it is to have opposition in all things. It made me appreciate how our desire to know both the bitter and the sweet could have been keen in that life before this. It also made me think about how difficult it would be go from living a life with no trials to suddenly having lots of trials.

I have often wondered before when I have a newborn that cries for seemingly no reason if perhaps that baby is just having a hard time adjusting to life and physical discomforts. Certainly our tolerance for pain increases as we become more accustomed to it.

In any case, it was fun to have a bit of a book vacation for a day.