Heart Burn

What do you do when you are woken up at 4 a.m. by intense heartburn? Well after you get up and down several TUMS, you blog ... right? 

Now this may be a messy post because I don't have my glasses or contacts on and I can't really see my screen. But I thought I would share something I have noticed about the heart here since I am feeling the "burn" quite literally right now. 

My heart has had quite the ride this week. I have had some pretty great highs and some fairly low lows. Many of these have come within hours of each other. But overall the highs win the day out. I think the reason for that is the fact that they have been "spiritual" highs. 

This has had me thinking about how the greatest "highs" and the lowest "lows" I have felt in this life have been spiritual.  Really the hardest days for me have been the days in my life when I have felt forsaken. 

On the other hand, nothing can compare to the joy of a spiritual high. It can lift you out of depression or sorrow quicker than anything I know. Sometimes it is difficult to maintain as Satan HATES it when we feel this way. He is always biting at the chance to drag us down. But I have had a few spiritual highs in my life that have left such an impression that even years after the high is worn off I can remember it and even relive a bit of it in the retelling of them.

One of these came the day I got my answer about the church being true. I have related that story previously. I have had several as I have witnessed small miracles in my life -- finding lost rings in seemingly impossible circumstances, having small prayers answered etc...

I have even had a few since Camille died. These have been mostly centered on feeling a clarity of  thought about the greater plan of my Father that took Camille from my arms to His. There have been a few times when I have felt such deep and abiding peace about where she is and how these circumstances have changed me and affected so many  others.  

I had one of these moments this week.  I am still riding the high of it. It has tempered me through the lows that have come. I have felt a validation  and love from my Father that I have only felt few times before in my life. These times have told me I was doing something right. 

It seems every time they come shortly after I have gone through some really scary big life change. Often I have been uncertain  about the path I have chosen in such circumstances and I feel as if I have stepped out into the storm on faith alone that somehow I  will not sink but be able to walk on the water. Often there have been "sinking" moments when I wonder what I am doing and why I am doing it. But then ultimately there have been those moments when I become sure footed through the help of the Savior and his love and validation. 

I wish I could fill my life with these spiritual highs. Perhaps that is why heaven is so wonderful. It must be like an Eternal spiritual high to be in the loving presence of our Savior and the Father and continuously engaged in their work.

I pray that through our work for good and our steady faithfulness despite adversity we all may have more of these highs -- highs when our hearts feel a touch of the Divine.

Camille's Birthday

April 19, 2008

Sunday is Camille's birthday. We will be celebrating the 2 years of having her as part of our little family. Last year we invited the neighborhood over for cake and ice cream. This year we are having cake and ice cream with family. We will also let her cousins exchange dollar store gifts that remind them of Camille. We also will be watching a slide show of photos of Camille. Tomorrow we will be planting a tree in memory of her. (More on that tomorrow). 

One of my out of town brother's and his wife and three kids wrote me a note to tell me they each made a donation to our church's missionary fund in Camille's memory. This meant so much to me. Especially because I do believe that Camille is out there helping so many people find the inspiration they need in their own lives.

This gave me an idea. I would like to invite all my readers to join us in a "random act of kindness" drive for Camille's birthday. I invite everyone who reads this to do something above your normal good doing for the day in honor of Camille. Tell a friend. Spread the word. Leave an anonymous comment to tell me what you did. 

It can be making a donation to a charity like my brother's family did. It can be giving blood. It could be doing work at the temple. It could be reading extra stories to your kids at night when you are really tired and would rather not. It could be taking your kids out to ice cream for no reason. It could be sending someone tulips for no reason in particular.

Be Creative. Just do something, big or small, that will spread goodness in the world and that you weren't already planning on doing. I have felt strongly that this is what Camille would most like us to do for her birthday. The rest of our "party plans" are really for my other kids and as a tangible way for us to "celebrate" her birth and her becoming part of our family then; and being part of our family forever.

Spread the word and please let me know what you do. I love hearing the good my sweet little girl inspires in this world. Thanks!

Aching Heart

Last night I had one of those nights where out of nowhere the missing just hit me like a train. I went up to bed and just knew sleep wasn't going to come before a good cry. So I went to Camille/Noble's room and let the flood gates open. 

I got out the trunk of Camille's things and read over the "instructions for Camille" I had written a couple of weeks before Camille died. My parents and in-laws took care of her while we went to Disneyland with the older girls. I had written her daily schedule and likes and habits on this. I hadn't been able to read it before this. But last night I figured I was crying anyway, may as well. 

One of the notes on these instructions was about how to put her to bed. I wrote about how she liked to snuggle up to her soft blanket, no binki, and if she was tired she would just nuzzle her face in it and go straight to sleep with no crying.

I pulled out the blanket. We called it the Shrek blanket because of its fun and funky color scheme or green, black, and purple. It is super soft. It was made by a good friend of mine. I held this blanket and in my tears, thought about how grateful I was for the dear friend who made it- this simple little blanket that brought such pleasure to my sweet little girl in her short life.

I had just seen this friend at my baby shower a couple weeks ago. I had heard she was pregnant also. I learned at the shower that we shared the same due date and were going to deliver at the same hospital. We joked that maybe we would see each other in the recovery rooms.

This morning the nurse who took care of me and Camille after I gave birth to Camille called me. My friend had her baby last night and this nurse was her delivery nurse. After the normal delivery there were complications with his breathing. He was transferred up to Salt Lake with Dad by his side. He passed away this morning.

It is a gray and cold day today. There is no great wind or storm, just a stillness and chill that shouldn't be. 

Last night I ached in my missing. This morning I ache for my friends.

Sneaky Little Ladies

So the other day I was working some in the office and I noticed Ann Marie and Lauren being sneaky. A few minutes later Jonathan asked where the girls were. I told him they were doing something sneaky. They had been very quiet this whole time. 

Now some kids and some ages you really have to worry when kids are being quiet and/or sneaky. I know when my kids were a bit younger this was almost ALWAYS a bad sign. But they are not generally destructive anymore so I don't get too worried when things get quiet around here. 

Still, after a long while of quiet I thought I better go see what kind of sneakiness was going on. I had to take a picture of what I found. 

Two Ladies at the Beauty Shop 

I have to point out a few things about this picture. First, note the magazines they brought up to my bathroom from downstairs. What beauty shop is complete without magazines. The funny thing is that my kids haven't EVER been to a real beauty shop of any kind. 

Second, if you know me really well, you know this is pretty darn clean, or uncluttered, for my bathroom. Note there is no toothpaste, face wash, or contact solution on the counter. No, I didn't clean it up for the photo. They cleaned it up for their "beauty shop."

Third, note the cup for water in case one of the customers get thirsty. Fourth, I love that Annie has her art smock on like a hair cutters smock. Fifth, note the beauty case of make up on their table. Annie got this as a birthday present. She loves it.

And last but not least, note that Lauren is playing along. She was up here the whole time "reading" with Ann Marie. She doesn't read. She is just happy to be included in the game and be a big girl like Annie. So she sits and pretends to read.

I love my little beauties.

10 Months - Long Term Care

Periodically, I think it is good to give a real dose of what it is like in the grieving process from where I stand. I also think it is especially important to give tips to all of you on how to treat people who have suffered a loss like mine. I like to call these Long Term Care tips. 

Just as with any major surgery, there are different stages of recovery with their own challenges. Depending on how major the surgery, the recovery period varies. It will also vary by the individual, based on a variety of factors ranging from how healthy they were before the injury to the dumb luck of which patient gets an unrelated infection or has complications arise. 

The same is true for any great loss. The loss of a child, especially a young child, has particular challenges that span far deeper into the psychological realm than other types of more common loss. It feels like the physical equivalent of losing a limb. Okay so I haven't lost a limb, but losing a child has so many commonalities that I feel as if I have. 

Like losing a limb, after the loss of a child, you are never the same. A child is flesh of your flesh. A young child depends on your for life. As children grow they become more separate physically, psychologically, and emotionally. But that is a gradual process. Young children still feel very much like a part of you in every sense. To have one die feels like a part of you dies. There just is no such thing as being the same after such a loss.

Like an amputee, your wound does heal to a certain extent. It becomes non life threatening. You learn over time to live with your handicap. But the physical healing does not happen as quickly to the psyche. Like an amputee, there are phantom pains that last (as far as I can tell) your whole life through. Perhaps they lessen in frequency, but from what I gather from those I know personally who have lived decades without their child and seem to all the world to have "moved on," those feelings of pain and loss can come back with freshness at a moments notice.

And from my own experience so far I can say that sometimes you NEED them to. Sometimes you need to mourn and feel and know that your child was real. Their reality comes to you in the pain you feel in separation. There is nothing wrong with feeling this pain as the years go by. It is a healthy part of mourning, grieving, and living without someone you love.

Now to the psychological aspect of these wounds. For me personally, this is the hardest part of this loss. I consider myself a strong minded person. But this loss is so much bigger than me. It is like a strong swimmer facing the power of the ocean. In calm waters I am fine to float on my back, but when the winds blow ... I often find myself at the mercy of the sea and its overpowering waves.

Let me highlight a few of the my own waves. First is the wave of anxiety. I am an optimist by nature. But this loss has robbed me of the "things like that happen to other people" mentality. I used to be calm in the face of possible harm. I no longer have that luxury. Now that I live with this pain, I have greater anxiety when reinjury seems even remotely possible. I fight against this. I hate that I feel this. But I do. 

When we were in Cancun we lost track of Sabrina on the beach for a few minutes. I thought she had headed up to the bathroom and after Jon came back not having found her, I panicked. I would not have done this before. But now... well it was as if I was back in that day all over again. All the while Sabrina was just 20 or 30 feet away playing in the sand. That scare kept me up all night. I couldn't calm my nerves. The panic ... a feeling not natural to me ... just wouldn't leave me.

I fight against the heightened anxiety I feel about my children's safety everyday. This is especially true anytime we are around water. I feel my heart race when I see a pool without a gate now. If my spa gate is left unlocked on accident it sets my heart in a panic. If my kids leave a bathtub full after they get out my stress level skyrockets. 

Logically, I know that there is no absolute prevention of accidents. I know this in my head. But this anxiety is beyond my control. I fight it and try not to let it show, but I feel it and I do all I can to avoid being in situations that give life to it.

A second wave is the intrinsic feeling of failure. No matter how well my children are doing, no matter how many times logic tells me I am doing fine as a mother, there is an innate feeling of failure as a mother when you have failed to keep your child alive. This is true in accident cases, even accidents that everyone would agree were unavoidable. It is also true in many cases of natural death as well. A mother's instinct to protect her child can not be underestimated. 

A third wave is the misconception that spiritual truths take away the pain of this loss. Spiritual teachings and faith do give us hope. But, they do not lessen the pain. In the blessing Elder Clayton gave me just after Camille died, he blessed me that I would be able to experience my grief normally and fully. He blessed me with grief sufficient to allow me to heal normally over time, but not above my ability to endure. 

The gospel does not take grief away from us. Rather, it gives us hope through the grief and it teaches us to look to the Savior to help us walk on the water when the tempest is raging. My husband was counseled to be patient with me in my grief. It is different for him than it is for me. Everyone finds their own path through grief. We all enter from different places and have different obstacles along our way. 

Because of this, we simply cannot judge another's grief process. We can only love them, pray for them, listen to them with as much understanding as we can, and know that they are ultimately in the Saviors hands.

So now let me turn to the DOs and DO NOTs of how to treat people at 10 months out.

Do expect that we are still grieving. Maybe not as often as before, but don't be surprised if we break down in tears once in a while. Know that this is normal and natural and don't be so worried that this needs to stop. We ought not to rush past our grief. Certainly the Savior did not.

Do be patient, open, loving and supportive when we feel like opening up. If you haven't been through this, you cannot understand. We know that. It is easier to talk openly to someone who freely admits they are not going to understand but will be supportive no matter what than someone who wants so much to understand that they try to put themselves in your shoes and judge the way you are grieving.

Do be gentle with us. I have particularly appreciated how gentle my bishop has been with me. He has not felt this himself but is mindful that this is a long journey through healing. He lets me know that I am welcome to come to him when the grief gets hard. He knows it comes in waves over a long period of time. He is mindful and watchful of me at times he thinks things might be difficult for me. I very much appreciate this.

My family is gentle with me as well. This is a great blessing to me. We all process this loss differently. For some it is easier not to revisit the past or to think much about Camille. This is simply not an option for me. I allow those in my family who would rather avoid that right and am not offended by it. We all get through it any way we can. They in turn do not judge me in my grieving process. They don't put a timeline on when I should be "better."

There are times that I get feeling really heavy with the grief and feeling very alone in my suffering. Last month I had been feeling this way for weeks. I felt unable to express it and did not want to have to explain it. One night I stayed up till 4 something in the morning spilling out my feelings to a sister in law who is acquainted with grief. She lost her mother very suddenly when she was in her early twenties and still single. It isn't the same as losing a child and she knows that, but this sister in law understands what it is to grieve. 

I hadn't planned on this impromptu therapy session but her open, non judgemental, accepting attitude made me feel safe revealing dark emotions I had a hard time admitting even to myself. The best part was I felt so much better after having talked to her. Sure I couldn't function very well the next day due to the lack of sleep, but many of the dark emotions that had been weighing on me so heavily felt lifted just in my expressing of them. 

Perhaps these dark emotions will return again. I am learning that often issues you think you are done with do find a way of returning through one trigger or another. I am glad to know that I have safe places to turn to express these dark emotions without fear of judgement or worry that I am not getting "better." 

Another DO -- Do anything you can to help ease the psychological stumbling blocks that trouble us. Family especially should affirm over and over that we are doing okay as moms. I do this with my own kids affirming over and over that they were good sisters to Camille and that she appreciates them and loves them. We need to hear this. 

Do try to help them avoid situations where anxiety is bound to be high. We had only had our spa for 5 days when Camille drowned. I wouldn't let anyone near it and asked my father to handle the matter of getting a gate put around it. I know a gate is not a cure all answer. But that gate provides me with a great source of peace of mind. 

Be patient with our paranoia. I hate paranoia. I hate it in others and I hate it especially in myself. But here I am stuck with it and it isn't going away so I am having to learn to be patient with it and accept that it is just a part of me for now. We may forgo certain activities or events because of our paranoia. Don't take it personally. Just realize some events are not worth the anxiety or return of grief they will cause us.

Do not worry about us. I know this is hard for those who love us most. Mom's want to "fix" their kids hurts. But some hurts are unfixable. Limbs lost will not be restored until the resurrection. We will miss and mourn the loss of our limb till then. But we mourn with hope and we are learning to function fairly well despite the loss. Your worry is an added burden, your confidence in us lightens our load. 

The Savior has confidence in us. He walks beside us with perfect understanding. Even through the darkest hours He is with us. Even for those of us who are angry at Him, He stands patiently beside us waiting to help us. Oh that we all could be like Him, the grievers and those who love us and are trying to support us. 

A Lovely Easter

We decided to do a simple Easter this year and forgo the extended family celebrations. We generally spend holidays with either some of Jon's family or mine since both are local. Sometimes we try to do both. But since Easter has taken a deeper root in our souls this year, we decided to do it different and spend it here at home by ourselves.

We started the morning at 6 am. We woke up the girls and they all came in our bed. We opened all the window blinds and watched the sunrise out the view from our bedroom. In the background we had Handel's Messiah playing over the house intercom system. I know that is typically a "Chirstmas" tradition but I just think it carries the joy of the Savior's coming and it fits Easter for me.

As we waited for the sun, we talked about how waiting for it's arrival is a little like waiting for the Savior to come again. We can see the light and know it is near just as we see signs of the Second Coming. Still we didn't know exactly when the sun would show up (we didn't check the internet) and no one knows exactly when the Savior will come again. We just know the sun will rise and the Savior WILL come. 

After the sun finally peaked over the mountains, we had family prayer and went downstairs to find Easter baskets and have breakfast. I made a dutch baby while the girls found their baskets. After breakfast, we opened our last Easter egg from our advent calendar and our last Resurrection egg. We read the scriptures on the Resurrection and the last activity was to plant a seed. 

Luckily each girl got seeds and gardening gear in their basket so we planted strawberries, tomatos, basil, and flowers. By this time we adults were rather tired having been up late putting together baskets and hiding eggs the night before. So we went up to take naps while the girls played with the activities in their baskets and went hunting for eggs in the backyard. 

After our naps, we all got ready for church. The girls had new dresses to wear and new bracelets and lockets from their baskets. They looked so cute with their freshly cut hair and new dresses and shoes and jewelry. 

After church we came home to homemade rolls I had rising during church and lamb chili my mom had put together for me. (I don't cook so much these days. It just takes too much out of me. Thanks Mom!) It was a simple meal. I love that it is a meal that could have been something the Savior could have eaten--no exotic preparation or ingredients. 

After dinner the girls cleaned up and Jon helped them color Easter eggs. Now the eggs are drying and it is time to get the kids in bed. All in all a wonderful simple peaceful Easter filled with joy in knowing the Savior lives and because He does, so will our little Camille someday.

Good Friday

Jon came in to get dressed this morning - he works in his PJs from 5:30 till about 8. I was still in bed. He came in and said "Hey it is Good Friday!" Apparently he forgot that the stock market was closed today. So while he did end up working the whole day, it was kind of a day off for him. In other words he was able to do all the work stuff he needs to do but never gets time to do.

The beauty of this "good" friday is an even better Saturday. We should have more time to spend together as a family because he got so much done today. I plan on filling the day with Easter crafts, coloring eggs, a block party, and maybe a movie.

We will see how the belly is feeling. I am getting more limited in how much I can do as the days roll by. Between the contractions and the pelvic pain from PSD I end up spending most of my day sitting in my lazy boy. Sad but true. 

I try to get one outing in each day. Today we went to the LDS Temple here in Las Vegas. This is something we try to do once a month. This was the last time I will be able to go for some months.  It is hard to leave a nursing newborn baby long enough to attend a session at the Temple. 

There is such peace in the temple. I wish I could stay there for hours. If you want to know more about LDS Temples go watch the two videos about Temples HERE.

May you all enjoy your Easter weekend! 

4 Weeks To Go

Someone requested an updated photo to make their guess. Here is one for you all. This was taken 10 minutes ago. I have 4 weeks till my May 5th due date. 

Good luck in your guessing!

Take a Guess

My awesome friends made this cute board for a baby shower for me. Guests were asked to guess the baby's following statistics:

1) Date of Birth

2) Length

3) Weight

I thought it would be fun to invite anyone reading the blog to participate. So leave your guesses in a comment. I will give 5 points to the person who guesses closest to the date. I will give 2 points to those who guess the length right. And I will give 3 points to those guessing the weight right. As a tie breaker I would like you also to guess the TIME OF BIRTH and be sure to include am or pm. This will be worth 5 points.

The person who guesses well enough to earn the most points will be sent a fun prize. I will post who won and they can email me their address.  Sound fun?

Okay and to make sure things are fair, I will give you some general stats from past births.

Sabrina was induced overdue. She weighed 7 lbs. 14 ozs. and was 21 inches long.

Ann Marie was induced a full week overdue. She weighed 8 lbs. 6 ozs. and was 20.5 inches long.

Lauren was induced a couple of days overdue. She weighed 9 lbs. 4 ozs. and was 21 inches long.

Camille was induced a few days overdue. She weighed 7 lbs. 7 ozs. and was 19 inches long.

Does that help? Well, give it your best guess.

A Day 4 Years in the Making

This is me four years ago. I was 5 or 6 months pregnant with Lauren. As you can see I had long hair. This was the longest my hair had ever been in my life. I had been growing it out for years to donate it to Locks of Love. When it was finally just long enough to cut and donate, I started a program trying to encourage others in my church and community to donate as well. So I kept growing it for another 8 months and cut it with everyone else who joined me.

All together we ended up donating hundreds of ponytails to Locks of Love. It was a great success. I spent lots of time working on this campaign, doing radio spots, newspaper interviews, visiting local churches to invite participation, and signing up hair cutters to volunteer hair cuts for those donating. 

Jon and I spent our anniversary that year in Brazil and as soon as I got home, I cut my hair.

 

This picture was taken shortly after I got my hair cut. All this while, Sabrina watched my doings. She loved my hair and loved to twirl it in her finger. She was sad when I cut it. She asked if I would leave one lock long for her to twirl. I told her she would have to twirl her own hair. 

After I cut my hair, she decided she wanted to grow her hair out and donate it to Locks of Love as well. About a year later, when her hair was almost long enough, she and Ann Marie played a game of "beauty shop" with real scissors. The result was a short bob for Sabrina and a VERY short bob for Ann Marie with some strange layers. :)

Since then, Sabrina has been growing out her hair with renewed effort. Yesterday I straightened it and took photos of how long her hair had gotten.

As you can see it was pretty darn long. She was tired of having it hot on her neck at night and put it up in a ponytail nearly every single day and night.

Then our wonderful Aunt Marleen came over to do some professional hair cuts for everyone. Sabrina cut a 12 inch ponytail off to donate and ended up with a really cute short stylish cut. 

She loves her new do. 

While I was sad to see her long hair go, she reminded me that she was sad when I cut my hair too. Just after Marleen cut off the ponytail I looked at Sabrina and said "Wow! You just look cute no matter what length your hair is!" And she is. 

Way to go Sabrina! I love you and am pleased with your decision to donate your hair to kids who can't grow their own hair. 

Feeling Full

Today has been a full day. I feel spiritually fed and physically spent. Conference was great. The kids watched all 4 sessions with us. That is not to say they listened to every talk. They did spend lots of time working on conference packets and coloring, but they sat through it all. I was pleased.

As for today's talks, all I can say is that Elder Holland is amazing. There were lots of good talks today but for me, Elder Holland's talks always stand out. Today that was especially true. His talk on the events of the Savior's life his last week and how through those events He above all understands feeling forsaken, was inspired. 

When we really understand the Savior's sacrifice for us, it helps us feel less alone. He truly knows our every sorrow and pain. Elder Holland puts these truths into such a clear perspective. It is truly a talk worth watching.  Make it a part of your Easter celebration. You can see it HERE. Look on the Sunday AM section.

A Conference For Me

I just finished watching the first two sessions of conference. As always, a few talks stood out as favorites for me. Right off the bat, I loved Elder Hales talk on Provident living and might do a post about that another time.

What really stood out to me, of course, were the talks by Elder Pino and Elder Scott. Both spoke of lost children. Elder Pino spoke about a family who had a 3 year old daughter who drowned. Elder Scott had a daughter that died a few minutes after being born and then six weeks later had a son who died after a surgery to try to fix his heart.

Both talked about the blessings of the temple and how the covenants we make there are such blessings to us. I loved the line in Elder Pino's talk when he said "At times we mourn, but we mourn with hope."

I feel so strengthened and uplifted by the examples of faith and hope and submission Elder Scott and the family in Elder Pino's story have shown. I know they must have felt much of the same sorrow and pain I have felt these last nearly 10 months. But, they have held on to the hope born of their faith through their mourning and grief. I strive daily to do the same.

This is the true great miracle produced by such intense trial. The miracle that is the product of steady faith in the face of prayers answered in a way other than what we had hoped. It is the miracle of the house still standing on the rock throughout the storm. It is the miracle of being held up by the Savior to walk on the water with Him when the storm seemed too great to withstand. 

Many are astonished by the miracles of healing, but I am learning that greater miracles are done within the soul than to the outward body. The faith, submission, obedience, and healing of the broken heart is a far greater miracle than the obedience of biological elements needed to produce a physical healing. More often than not, it is the former that the Lord asks of us. For it is this miracle that holds greater potential to more surely bring us back to Him.

Can't wait to hear more tomorrow.

Conference Weekend

This weekend our church holds a General Conference for all members all over the world. Saturday and Sunday meetings will be held in a huge Conference Center in Salt Lake City. These meetings will be broadcast throughout the world over the internet (see lds.org), via television broadcasts, and at meeting houses around the globe.

At these meetings, we have a chance to hear directly from the living Prophet on the earth today and from members of the quorum of the Twelve Apostles. I always love this special weekend when we can gather in our homes and listen to a prophets voice. There always seems to be one or two talks that speak directly to me.

These conferences are held twice a year--once in the fall and once in the spring. To make the occasion more memorable for the kids, we have a few traditions that we do each conference time. 

First, I always make rolls. Sometimes they are cinnamon rolls. This time I am doing orange rolls. I will make the dough tonight and then roll them out and bake them tomorrow. It is great to have yummy food to eat while we watch.

I also try to have activity packets for the kids to do while they listen. If I get too busy to get these together for the kids, I just pull out paper and crayons. Then I ask them to draw a picture for each talk of something that person talked about. Luckily my kids love drawing so this works well for us.

If you are not a member of our church, but have any interest in finding out more about if there is really a prophet today on the earth like there was in scripture times, I invite you to tune in to this conference and give a listen. Conference sessions will be from 9-11 am and 1-3 pm PST both Saturday and Sunday. You can watch on the internet HERE anytime during or after the live broadcast. 

The Prophet's name is Thomas S. Monson. While he will likely not speak at every session, you can be fairly sure to hear him if you tune in Sunday morning. 

And if you listen to conference regularly, what are some of your favorite conference traditions? I am always looking for new ideas to make this weekend special. 

Lifted Up

I just got home from the graveside service for little Dax Royce Gubler. He is the son of our friends who passed away 12 hours after being born. It was an interesting experience for me. The service itself was lovely. It was just long enough and filled with sound doctrine, faith, and peace.

This was the first service for a child I have been to outside the one we did for Camille. At Camille's service ... well was just totally different being the mom. I felt very much like I was attending my own funeral, and in a way I was. The Spirit there was thick and I could feel the opening between heaven and earth in that spot. At Camille's funeral it helped me keep my head above water. I needed that heavenly support to survive. 

Today I felt that same connection open to the heavens. Today, however, it just filled me with hope and lifted me up. I didn't even need to get my kleenex out. Overall, I found the service encouraging. Mostly because I just felt so close to heaven I think. There is such a joy in heaven that it can't help but bring peace to my soul and lift me up with it when I come close to it.

I am grateful for the prayers of those who prayed for me today. I am sure that is another reason going to this service was not hard for me. I am sure it is through their power that I was able to feel the hope from the other side of the veil and be lifted up in such a time of sorrow.

I hope the Gubler family also felt and will continue to feel the love and support of all those present today, both from earth and from heaven.

Slow Motion

I have been working all day. It has not been a lazy day. I did sleep late but once I got up I started cleaning and doing my "Mom" chores. Usually when I spend this much time cleaning and working, especially considering I do not have a baby to tend or toddler making messes as I clean, I can get LOTS done.

Today I did the following: about 5 loads of laundry washed and dried, 7 folded (I am making the other people in the house put the laundry away), clean and organize the nursery and all baby Noble clothes (I have already done this chore twice, but there were a few more things to put in order), cleaned our small laundry room.

Okay that may seem like alot as I write it down but when you consider that the machine does most of the laundry and I had already organized the nursery so this was just finishing the task, it really didn't feel like much. I did not get the dishes done or the kitchen cleaned like I wanted. I didn't get much of anything done downstairs other than pay a bill or two and make food.

I feel like I am moving in slow motion. Let me revise that -- I am moving in slow motion. I waddle around the house picking up here and there. Things on the ground seem impossible to reach. Small tasks, like going up the stairs, or running to grab the ringing phone are daunting. The scary part is that I have 5 weeks left and it is only going to get worse. 

I remember feeling this way with Camille. It got to the point where I just could hardly do anything. I just hurt too bad. Then came the labor. The epidural only worked on half my belly. I had to wait 20 minutes fully dilated for the doctor to show up so I could push. It felt like the pain could never go away. When I finally delivered Camille the contraction pain was immediately gone. I was amazed. It was just so intense one moment and completely gone the next. The next night as we left the hospital with our precious little girl, I told Jon I felt like going dancing. I hadn't felt that good in months.

Maybe that is kinda how life is sometimes. We move in slow motion through the painful parts forgetting how it felt to be able to move free and unhindered. Some pains let up or heal in this life. Others never do. We all finish the "labor" of our life at some point. But in the end we are delivered. We are delivered to the arms of that Father which gave us life. And I have to imagine that all the pain of life is immediately swept away in that embrace.

The thing is, knowing that this pregnancy pain is temporary, I am basking in it. I know the more acutely I feel it, the more "delivered" I will feel when I have Noble in my arms. I don't enjoy the pain, but I do not resent it either. It is simply a part of this beautiful birthing process. 

And the emotional pains of our trials are likewise a part of this beautiful living process where we gain experiences that tie us to our Savior and help us find our way to Home and Deliverance.  

Childlike Submission

I had an interesting teaching moment with my children the other day and thought I would record it on my wife's blog. I felt I needed to explain to them something essential to understanding the nature of life and God and an opportunity presented itself. I wasn't exactly sure how they would take it and how much they would truly understand. 

For background, a few months ago we found out that a family in our ward/congregation was pregnant with a baby boy. That baby, it was found, had medical problems in utero and there was at least some risk to his chances of survival after birth. We told our girls to pray for the baby and they prayed for him faithfully in our family prayers. We fasted for their family, hoped for a miracle and continued to pray for the family over a month or two. It was beautiful to hear the innocent faith of our girls as they prayed for the Gubler baby (and even funny to hear Lauren to pray for the "goog-a-ler baby." Last week, we found out that the mom gave birth to a baby boy (Dax Gubler), who lived for 12 hours and then passed away. Our hearts ached for them and we remembered our pains suffered in the confines of a sterile hospital. 

Now to the conversation: we gathered around and Stephanie and I explained to the girls what happened to the Gubler's baby. I then explained that sometimes we pray with faith and ask for something but God does not give it to us. Sometimes He has a different plan. Sometimes we ask for a miracle but He has a different plan. I asked the girls, "should we be angry?" "No," came the response. "Do we stop believing in Him?" "No."

Stephanie talked about the Lord in the Garden of Gethsemane saying, "if it is possible, let this cup pass from me." In other words, Jesus wanted to know if there was some way for Him NOT to suffer. Yet He said, "nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt." He ultimately said, even though this is what I want I will bend what I want to what YOU want. 

We talked about how we prayed for Camille and yet God had a different plan. We prayed for this baby, but God had a different plan. Some times, God has something special in mind that is different from our desires. My girls, somewhat surprisingly, were very understanding. They had no qualms or questions. They understood that God knows best.

Afterwards, I thought about how many adults are spiritually wounded by not having their prayers answered. How a loving God can let something so terrible happen. It is true that terrible things happen to good people--even people that are praying with true faith for deliverance from that terrible situation. And yet, that prayer goes seemingly unanswered. Sometimes terrible things happen because people with their agency to act, perform terrible acts on others. 99.9% of the time, God will not intervene and stop that agency. We retain our power to choose. Other times, such as in the cases of health, God has the power to heal. I have seen that healing power. However, when it happened it was God's will. Sometimes the pain we experience from unanswered prayers generates an unexpected strength to conquer greater tasks ahead. 

I think a child understands the concept of submission to "God's will" more readily than an adult because they are so much more subject to the whims/desires of others, such as their parents. I remembered a scripture in the Book of Mormon that states, "For the natural man is an enemy to God...and will be...unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit...and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflect upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." (Mosiah 3:19)

As I sat reflecting on the conversation with my girls after the fact, I thought maybe this lesson is more often for us adults than for the humble children.

The Gift of Life

As part of our Easter celebration, we have been opening eggs filled with suggested activities as a sort of advent calendar. Today one of our eggs asked each person to share three blessings in their life.  Another egg we opened had us all go find a sign of spring and share our observations.

We did those activities this afternoon. This evening, after hearing another story of a woman who just lost a pregnancy and a 3 year old to drowning this week, I am feeling keenly aware of how fragile and precious life is. Whether it is the baby bird in the nest, the hanging chrysalis of a forming butterfly, the embryo in the womb, the newborn babe, or any child or person. Each life is so precious and so fragile. Each life, each breath, each moment is a gift.

At any given moment our lives can change. We simply must make the most of this moment now and fill it with all the love we can. That is what I am going to go do now. I am off to spend time reading to my children, making cookies for new neighbors, and spreading and multiplying my love as far and and much as I can.

Today I have only today. Tomorrow is only a hope. Yesterday is but a dream. I must live today to realize the hope that tomorrow's yesterday will be a pleasant dream.

10 Years Ago Today ...

I went from being engaged...

and from being Stephanie Harris

under the care of my mother ...

and father...

to being married to Jonathan Waite. 

I became Stephanie Waite.

How grateful I am for the love and care this wonderful man has given to me over the last 10 years. Over the years my love for him has grown and deepened. The last year has taken this growth and deepening to an entirely new dimension. I don't know how I could have or still would make it through this without his love and understanding.

And for all the sorrow we have seen together, 

I am so glad that, even 10 years later, 

he still makes me feel like this ...

Happy 10 year Anniversary Love!

Fresh Loss

I just got an email from a friend informing us that they delivered their 3rd son yesterday and he passed away this morning. Their email briefly described their 12 hours with their son. For me, it was like being transported back in time. I could feel with freshness the emotions of holding your child as he or she passes from this life to the next. 

Tonight I cry for them tears of understanding and sorrow. 

Don't You Love It When A Plan Comes Together?

For the last 3 weeks our family has been on track break. In an effort to keep our time somewhat organized, we used our first Family Home Evening night of track break updating a new chore chart. This chore chart is nice because it is laminated and I can peel off the stickers and wipe of the marker and revise it as necessary.

I gave each girl a specific chore to do in our living area. Annie got the family room. Sabrina got the breakfast area. Lauren empties the dishwasher. We also had a family chore that I chose each day. Those were chores like sorting the clothes or pruning the yard.

One other chore I started was the "Pick-a- Chore." This idea came from a friend of mine Erin Cranor. She has 4 kids all spaced the same as mine but her youngest is the age of my oldest. She has been a good "example mom" to me in many ways. 

She told me that she had her kids do a chore everyday that they just saw needed to be done and they did it. She didn't tell them which chore to do. They had to find a chore on their own that they could see needed to be done and then they just did it. She told me she was using this as a way to teach her children that in life you shouldn't have to wait to be told to do things. If you see a need and you can fill it you should. 

I loved this concept. So I explained it to my kids and added it to the chore chart that night for FHE. The next morning I was reading the scriptures to my kids as they were working on their chores. We are currently reading a Church History for Families book that pulls out quotes from the Doctrine and Covenants (a book of revelations given to Joseph Smith from the Lord) and incorporates them with information on the events surrounding the revelation. 

Sabrina was trying to pick her "pick a chore" and kept choosing things that really didn't need cleaning. She just wasn't understanding the concept. Then in my reading I came to the following verses: D&C 58: 26-28 "For behold it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.  Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward."

I read that to the kids and we stopped and discussed. I just LOVE those moments in motherhood when you know the Lord is helping you teach your children. It is like the whole plan comes together so nicely. Here we had just had that discussion and Sabrina was just struggling with the concept and I was able to say "hey, this is what we are trying to learn by doing the pick a chore. Heavenly Father wants us to do good things without having to be told to do them. If we do this we will be rewarded. If we have to be told everything we should do we will not be rewarded."

These moments don't happen often but they are the highlight of my mothering career when they do. Thank you to Him who watches over us all. I just LOVE it when His plans come together - especially when I get to play any small part in them.

9 Months

9 Months. It is the gestation period of a human life. It is an eternity of time to a pregnant woman. To a grieving mother it is like the passing of a few days at one moment and a lifetime of experience and sorrow the next. 

Last week I passed the 9 month mark since losing Camille. I have been slow in posting this record of how I am doing. I was sick when we passed the mark. I was sick with the same head cold when Camille passed. It was the first time I had been sick since Camille's accident and it took me back to dark places in my memories. 

In so many ways I do feel stronger now. Stronger than before Camille's accident. I am more confident in my ability to shoulder this heavy trial. I have stronger empathy and understanding for others and their weaknesses and sorrows. I am stronger in my faith. I have an increased appreciation for and personal understanding of the healing side of the atonement. There is more love in my home. I am more patient as a mother. I appreciate my children more. I treasure them even more - I didn't think that was possible. In many ways I am a better mother to them. I have hope again and my hope is greater than it ever has been.

Yet, there are ways I feel so much weaker now than before, or even just after Camille's passing. I am more anxious as a mother. I hate this. It is a trait I have purposely avoided since the birth of my first child. I fight it now. But even when I can control my outward reactions, my anxiety jumps into high gear at the first suggestion of potential harm to my children or other children.

I am less open and far less friendly. I feel like I have a huge wall built around myself. Grief leaves you so vulnerable. At first everyone expects you to be raw and broken. It would seem unnatural for you not to be. So it is easy to show this rawness to the world and announce your pain to the world. You are shocked if perfect strangers cannot see it just by looking at you.

As time passes, you must find ways to function. You grow stronger and some of the wounds begin healing- at least on a surface level. It is as if time adds layers of new skin. But time does not heal that core wound. I am not sure any amount of time heals that. It just becomes less visible, less exposed. 

Still some comments or questions or situations still penetrate through to the core and reinjure the wound. And that core is just as raw as it ever was. And this core still needs treatment despite the layers of skin. In waves it bursts to the surface demanding to be recognized. Pressure from the wound builds up and must be periodically released. Waves of grief. They come less frequently but they still come.

Now people expect you to be better. They expect that your faith will make the pain easier. It doesn't. The pain builds the faith as you feel supported by the Savior. But the pain is not made less. The burdens are not lessened. It is the individual that is strengthened and made strong enough to bare the burdens through faith.

So it becomes less comfortable to share the pain of the wound. The waves of grief -- those times when the wounds pressure must be released -- are suffered more silently. Only in the company of other wounded souls is there safety to expose the rawness and let the wound breathe through the wave.

And with very few experiences to reinjure the wound, a wall seems to build. The pain of reinjury is just to great. A natural defense must go up. And mine has. I don't like it. But I am less open and less extending and friendly - especially with people who didn't know me before. I am working to gain the strength to overcome this. It makes me quiet at times when I should speak - because in speaking I would expose the wound. Sometimes I just feel that I am too vulnerable to expose that to people who don't understand the nature of this wound and how deeply it runs. 

To give a quantitative analysis of how I am to the record: I feel good and strong and whole most days. Maybe all but about 2 or 3 a month. I only cry on those 2 or 3 days. I do have teary moments if something triggers the grief. Like yesterday when my mother in law shared a story of her mother's passing and she and her siblings wondering who would be the first to have met her in heaven. 

Would it be her mother and father? Then their dad said no, it would be their son who had passed away. I mean - come on - things like that are impossible for me not to feel to the point of tears. But those feelings in the moment pass in a few minutes and I am able to gather myself.

I only have the heavy crying on my closet floor moments a couple times every month or so. Some months I don't have any at all. When they come, they last a few days, maybe 3 to 5, and then gradually I get my strength back. 

I do still think of Camille's accident and the events surrounding it everyday. This is very difficult. Most times I let the thought pass and get busy doing something else. On those hard days that come every once in a while, I have a hard time pulling myself out of these thoughts. I think I will always think of Camille, but I look forward to a day when I don't think of her accident - a day I don't see the image of her in the spa in my head.

I still have periodic nightmares relating to the accident or other children drowning. I still have a really hard time laying in bed awake waiting for sleep to come and ease my spinning mind. It is hard to find the strength to direct my thoughts at night. Often I watch TV or read till I am so tired I know I will fall asleep quickly once I lay down. 

So I am doing much better in most ways. I am pleased with my progress through this thorny path of grief. There are ways I want to improve but I am not hard on myself about them. Some times I just tell the voice inside telling me to open up, "I will. But just not yet." And the voice inside understands. It keeps prodding but it understands.

I am in LOVE!

If you have been reading my blog since Camille's passing, you know that I love the show So You Think You Can Dance. I just really love dance even though I am not so talented in that area. Well last night my sisters and I went to the show LOVE at the Mirage Hotel here in Las Vegas. It is a Cirque du Soleil show set to Beatles music.

I have been to several other Cirque du Soleil shows here in Vegas. I have seen the original Cirque way back when I was in high school. I have seen Mystere, O, and La Rev too. They each had their own feel and theme. LOVE is far more "dance" heavy than any of the other Cirque shows I have seen. It still has acrobatics but they are not the focus of the show. 

I absolutely LOVED this show LOVE. It was beautiful. The dancing was exquisite. The show featured so many different styles of dance (much like my favorite TV show does). There was stomping, contemporary, hip hop, some Polynesian-like dancing and many other styles woven together.  There were also very cool stunts done by in line skaters, acrobats who bounced around the stage off trampolines and teeter totters - amazing things to watch.

All the while the show took the audience on a journey through the recording decades of the Beetles and so many of the songs they gave us. The music was amazing. I am not even a big Beetles fan but the music -- well who doesn't Love a good Beetles song?

For me the highlight of the show was the dance that accompanied the song "Something in the Way She Moves." It had one male dancer in the middle of the stage and four ladies in white coming down from the ceiling on ropes who alternated coming down and interacting with the man in his dance. He would see one doing her graceful acrobatic dance on the rope and leap over to her only to have her pulled back up just out of his read to the ceiling. Then he would dance to another and then another. He was AMAZING. I loved the music. I loved the movements. I loved the story it portrayed. I just LOVED the whole thing. It was worth every penny.

So if you are headed to Vegas anytime soon and you love dance, LOVE at the Mirage should definitely be on your itinerary if you have any room in your budget. It is a great way to sit and digest a bit of Bouchon. :)