Saturday, April 18, 2009

Heart Burn

What do you do when you are woken up at 4 a.m. by intense heartburn? Well after you get up and down several TUMS, you blog ... right? 

Now this may be a messy post because I don't have my glasses or contacts on and I can't really see my screen. But I thought I would share something I have noticed about the heart here since I am feeling the "burn" quite literally right now. 

My heart has had quite the ride this week. I have had some pretty great highs and some fairly low lows. Many of these have come within hours of each other. But overall the highs win the day out. I think the reason for that is the fact that they have been "spiritual" highs. 

This has had me thinking about how the greatest "highs" and the lowest "lows" I have felt in this life have been spiritual.  Really the hardest days for me have been the days in my life when I have felt forsaken. 

On the other hand, nothing can compare to the joy of a spiritual high. It can lift you out of depression or sorrow quicker than anything I know. Sometimes it is difficult to maintain as Satan HATES it when we feel this way. He is always biting at the chance to drag us down. But I have had a few spiritual highs in my life that have left such an impression that even years after the high is worn off I can remember it and even relive a bit of it in the retelling of them.

One of these came the day I got my answer about the church being true. I have related that story previously. I have had several as I have witnessed small miracles in my life -- finding lost rings in seemingly impossible circumstances, having small prayers answered etc...

I have even had a few since Camille died. These have been mostly centered on feeling a clarity of  thought about the greater plan of my Father that took Camille from my arms to His. There have been a few times when I have felt such deep and abiding peace about where she is and how these circumstances have changed me and affected so many  others.  

I had one of these moments this week.  I am still riding the high of it. It has tempered me through the lows that have come. I have felt a validation  and love from my Father that I have only felt few times before in my life. These times have told me I was doing something right. 

It seems every time they come shortly after I have gone through some really scary big life change. Often I have been uncertain  about the path I have chosen in such circumstances and I feel as if I have stepped out into the storm on faith alone that somehow I  will not sink but be able to walk on the water. Often there have been "sinking" moments when I wonder what I am doing and why I am doing it. But then ultimately there have been those moments when I become sure footed through the help of the Savior and his love and validation. 

I wish I could fill my life with these spiritual highs. Perhaps that is why heaven is so wonderful. It must be like an Eternal spiritual high to be in the loving presence of our Savior and the Father and continuously engaged in their work.

I pray that through our work for good and our steady faithfulness despite adversity we all may have more of these highs -- highs when our hearts feel a touch of the Divine.


Susan Anderson said...

Reading a post like this one provides a little bit of that spiritual high for me.


Susy said...

I agree with Sue...reading your blog makes me realize so many parts of my life that are from Father in Heaven directly and it is your insight that brings it to my attention. Thanks! :)

Amanda said...

I'm glad that you're being held up during, what I'm sure is a very difficult time for you. Bless you.

Marylin said...

Man you have some great thoughts at a very early hour! Steph you have such great perspective and a wonderful heart! Truly inspiring! Here's to the Highs!! All my love

EvaMarieva said...

I am trying to write my highs down more so I can turn to them in the lows of a trial. Thaks for your thoughts-as always a good way to end or start or even anytime of day!

Michelle said...

I'll be thinking and praying for you today. Thank you for lifting my heart and starting my day on a spiritual high.

Saturday, I found myself in tears in the mother's day card section of Shopko. It's been eleven years since my mom passed, but I missed her and wanted to send a card so badly! So that is my going to be my random act of kindness. Eleven widows in my ward are going to get a mother's day card from me. One widow for each year I wish I could have sent a card to my mom. I call them my "Camille Cards".

May the Lord bless you today like you and your family have blessed the lives of so many.

ninibeans said...

Thank you so much for this post. I really needed it today. I was felling pretty down today, no good reason, just pregnancy hormones I guess. I knew right where I needed to go to get what I needed, right here to your blog. Thank you for being you, you always have the right words!!!

Kami Beck said...

I thought of you and your sweet family when I first woke up this morning. Camille's special day! You are in my prayers. Your courage and strength are amazing. I know that Camille is very proud of all of you. Your work here complements her work on the other side of the veil. What an amazing family you are. Thanks for sharing so openly and candidly your heartfelt experiences (even when it burns)!

Best of luck these next couple of weeks as you prepare for Noble's arrival. Certainly he's receiving a sweet kiss goodbye on the other side!

Love You!

krugsus said...

Hi Stephanie,
a friend told me about your blog and I have just spent some time reading it. Today we were at a special Stake Mtg. elder Russell M. Ballard and his wife and Elder William C Kerr of the seventy came to speak to us it was full of spiritual highs and some lows i was thinking of all the friends in the church I have known and who are no longer active and wondering what the difference was between them and me, why am I still going. I don't know if I have an answer to that. I have never lost a child, my mum has a boy Douglas who died at seven days old.I was about 2yrs old so missed out on a baby brother. I know what it is to grieve,my dad died 12 yrs ago and I still miss him so much his birthday was the 5 May the date your baby is due. I also grieved for many years for a husband who left me for another woman 16 yrs. ago i have been on my own since then and brought up my 3 children my 5th grandchild is due in June. The gospel is wonderful and helps us so much. God bless Love Sue Kruger (Liverpool England)