Bread Making Woman

Tonight we teaching the young women from church how to make bread. I am making both my Grandmother's White Farm Bread and my mother in law's honey whole wheat bread. I already have the white dough made and we will just be baking that with the girls. We will help them to make the whole wheat dough and get it all baked and ready to eat in the hour we have with them. In all we should have about 13 loaves when we done. It should be yummy. 

Since I have spent time this morning making my grandmother's bread, I thought I would share a bit about her and some of the lessons she taught me. My grandmother (yes this is the one who bit my mother-in-law the first time they met) was an amazing woman. 

Grandma Mary Ann Harris, age 98 with great grand daughter Sabrina, age 7 months.

 

She grew up in Malad, Idaho. She lived in that area the majority of her life. She went to college and then got married to my grandfather and they started a family. They lived a farm life. Grandma told me she made 14 loaves of bread and 2 tins of biscuits everyday for the men to eat in their noon meal. 

I loved going to visit Grandma on the farm when I was little. Grandma would put an apron on me and put me to work in the kitchen with her. When that became boring she would send me "fishing" in a bucket she would fill with water and weeds. My fishing pole was a stick with a string and a paper clip at the end. Honestly, I LOVED this kind of fishing. I would sit for hours trying to fish the weeds out of the bucket.

I remember once I complained that I was bored and that grandma had no toys at her house. Grandma took me into her room to her little sewing desk. She took some extra fabric and cut out two identical pieces in the shape of a person. She stuffed it with stuffing she had on hand and sewed it up. I think it took her about 15 minutes. She handed me my "doll" and told me to go play. I was amazed at her and have treasured that doll above any other I ever received. 

Grandma was not a hugger and she didn't ever say she loved you. She showed her love through work. I remember one night on the farm I was hungry. It was late. She asked what I wanted. I told her scones. She had no dough to fry for me. My parents told her to ignore my request and even I thought it doubtful I would get it. But grandma didn't even think twice. In minutes she whipped up some bread dough and heated the grease for frying. 

It seemed a lot of work to do for one little girls whim. When she was frying the scones she accidently spilled the hot grease all over one of her hands. She had second and third degree burns to her whole hand. I felt terrible that I had asked her to make me scones so late at night. But grandma never let me feel guilty about it. She treated this severe injury as but a bump in her road. It took months to completely heal. The way she handled the injury and treated me afterward were proof to me of the depth of her love for me. To my child mind, she loved me enough to go through that pain for me.

Grandma lived a very long life. She had 4 girls and then had her first son, my dad. 10 years later she had her final child, a boy. She died at 99. When she was 98 she lived with Jon and I for a little while. We had just had Sabrina about 7 months earlier. By this time, Grandma had fairly severe dementia. But she LOVED Sabrina. She would sit with the baby and give me parenting advice. I started writing it down. Here are a few gems of wisdom she shared:

"Teach her right and wrong and the rest of her life you'll cooperate."

"You make her clothes and treat her like a little girl growing up and she'll never forget you and your way will be her way."

"You choose her friends for her, but don't let her know you are doing it. Start when she is little and you have those kids over to supper who you like."

I often think about Grandma Harris and wish I had her energy. Even at 98 she was working, folding laundry and helping out in any way we would let her. There is so much I admire about this bread making woman.

Here are the recipe's for the bread we are making tonight. 

Grandma Harris White Bread




Description: The famous Grandma Harris farm bread.

Ingredients: Mix together

1 cup warm water

3 T yeast

3 cups flour

1/3 cup sugar

Lard the size of an egg (egg sized dollop of Crisco)

4 cups warm water

1 dessert spoon (2 T) salt

8 cups flour or enough to clean the bowl so the dough doesn't stick to it. 

Directions: Knead it for 10 minutes then form into loaves and let it raise till doubled.  Bake 30 mins at 375 degrees

Number Of Servings: about 3 loaves

Preparation Time: 1 hour

 

Whole Wheat Bread

 

7 cups warm water

¾ cup honey or sugar

4 t salt

½ cup veggie oil

7 cups whole wheat flour

Mix above for 30 seconds. Then add

4 T Instant yeast

9 – 11 cups whole wheat flour till dough leaves side of mixer and is not so sticky. Do this within about 4 minutes.

Knead dough for about 10 minutes by hand or according to mixer directions (4 mins.) Form into about 7 equal loafs. Spray bread pans well with PAM. Put loaves in pans and let rise till about doubled (20 minutes in a warm room) Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes. Crust should be nicely browned.

 

Remove from pan and cool on a wire rack.

t = teaspoon

T= Tablespoon

The Blessing of Work

I am not generally a fan of routines and work. I have a really hard time staying in any type of routine unless I have someone keeping me on track like a boss or teacher. But I am gaining a new respect for the blessing that routines and work are in our lives. 

The week between Christmas and going back to school was totally without routine. Sometimes we need these kind of breaks where we can sleep in and stay in pajamas all day doing puzzles or reading a book. But too many in a row ... well especially for me right now ... are not good. 

I am so glad to be back in the routine that school forces onto our family. I have especially enjoyed my new commitment to help in Ann Marie's class. I learn so much seeing how my children are being taught in school. I never took any teaching classes in college so I am totally ignorant about teaching methods. It is fun for me to learn how to teach my children and to watch them learning before my eyes.

Ann Marie is in a league of her own in kindergarten. I can't imagine the teacher having the time to spend with her individually to make the work on her level when there are so many kids who are learning their letters and sounds. At parent teacher conferences the teacher told us Annie often did not complete assignments that should be very simple for her. She also said Ann was getting other kids to do her work for her. (That made Jon and I laugh out loud. Jon thought that was rather entrepreneurial of her. I think she was just bored by the work and trying to teach the other kids.)

So, as an incentive to help motivate Annie to do the work the teacher gave her, I volunteered to come in the last 40 minutes of the day during reading time to work with her. This allows me time away from siblings to work alone with Ann Marie and it gives Ann Marie incentive to get her less stimulating work done in a timely manner so she can have time to work with me when I come. 

Yesterday was my first day and the work, while the sheet said it was a first grade sheet, was still way too easy. I adapted the worksheet to make it more interesting for Ann by making her spell and write the words of the pictures and then identifying whether the "o" in the word was long or short. My favorite was when she saw the picture of the pig and trying to think of a word with an "o" in it for that picture she came up with "pork."

Today we had a more interesting concept to go over. We went over the "ow" sounds and how it can sound different in tow and now. All the way home we were thinking of all the words we can with "ow" in them. I had never even noticed that "ow" could make two sounds. 

All in all this time is quickly becoming a highlight of my new routine. And my new routine with the personal scripture time and a bit of exercise has bounced me out of my blues and put me back in a good place emotionally. I finally felt today for the first time since Camille's death that I really love our family the way it is. It just felt right. It felt like everyone is where they are supposed to be and it will be not only "ok" but good to have this little boy who will be four years younger than his next oldest living sibling. I never thought I would feel that way. I am surprised I have today. But it is a gift I will accept with an open heart. 

The Lord meant my family to have a heavenly gap in the middle. I can be glad for the new idea of how my family will look. I am the middle child in my family. As a kid I didn't like this position. As I grew older I saw the benefit of being close with each of my siblings. I lived sort of alone with each of my siblings at some point. 

When I was oldest at home, the twins were with me. When I left the next year for college, I lived in Provo and my sister was my only sibling in town. The next year she graduated and my brother returned home from his mission. I had two years at college with just my older brother. The next year my twin brother join me and my older brother for a year before they left on missions to Guatemala and Chile and my older brother moved to California and I to D.C. 

I feel like Camille will have this same advantage in her own way. She will be able to be with each or her siblings in their own alone times and I hope they will feel a closeness with her born from shared sacred experiences.

For now, I am glad to be doing the routine work that bears the fruit of happiness.

A Brand New Year

I have been reading some of the blogs of other women who have lost children this year. It helps to know how that the incredible mix of emotions with which I have been dealing are seemingly universal to coping with such a loss. 

I really believe that our bodies have their own rhythm of grief apart from where our minds go. I may not even be thinking about Camille but just feel inexplicably sorrowful. Then I realize, "Oh yea, it would be 6 months now," or "oh yeah, it is New Year's Day." 

I expected Christmas to be difficult. I guess I didn't expect it so much from New Year's. But somehow my subconscious self took me down a reflective tailspin without my permission. I am still trying to pull myself out of it. 

This stage of the grieving process is brutal. You don't expect it to be so if you haven't been in it. I didn't think it would be in the early months. But here at 6-7 months out life is getting incredibly routine. We are no longer in the spiritual cocoon we were in those early months.  My children have returned to their normal selves with mischief to deal with and behaviors to correct. And I am struggling with how to be the parent I want to be in light of my new understandings.

It pains me to discipline my children. I do it. I know I have to do it. But it just kills me to have to be sharp with them. I have ended up in tears so often after having to correct children of late. Parenting has taken on so much deeper emotion and sometimes it is so difficult to navigate my way through stormy behavior.

Another aspect of this stage of grieving that has been rocking my boat is the dual longing to remember and forget. It is easy in the routine of life now to forget what it was like to have a child in diapers. It is easy to forget high chairs and feedings and early morning wake up cries. It is easy to forget what our life was like just last year. And part of me wants to forget. Part of me wants to leave it in the past and look only forward.

But there is another very tender part that wants desperately to remember always and forever. I want always to remember her sounds and smells and the way she snuggled in my neck. I want to remember what life was like with her in our home, but it is so painful to go there in my mind. 

Great love is so often accompanied by great pain. And in this dichotomy dwells the very essence of our existence in life. We strive to find and develop love. We yearn to fill our souls with it. Each step deeper into this love we risk greater pain to our souls. Yet we do not stop. We must not stop. For life without love is worse than the pain of love lost, or the pain of separation, or the pain of disappointment or hurt loved ones can inflict. 

Still, I am continually amazed at how the Savior can continue to love us so fully and without reservation or emotional guards when we all have hurt him so intensely in one way or another at one time or another. I feel it is my life's work to develop this talent of loving without guarded walls once my heart has been so hurt.

Last night in a night time meeting with the youth of the church we watched a video put out by the church to introduce the new theme for the youth for 2009. It is "A Brand New Year." The youth are focusing on the scripture in Timothy 4:12, "Let no man despise thy youth, but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity."

As part of this program the youth were challenged to make new commitments in this Brand New Year on how they will live this scripture. They were asked to commit to pray morning and night, read the Book of Mormon for 5 minutes a day, and Smile - or be happy. In addition they were asked to choose 3 of their own goals of how they can stand stronger as an example of a believer. 

This is such a wonderfully put together program for the youth and it has its own website HERE for anyone who wants to learn more about it. Watching the video, I felt inspired. I too am making these three set commitments. As a family we are learning about church history this year but I personally am going to commit to read the Book of Mormon for 5 minutes each morning as well. I already pray morning and night. 

I am choosing for my other commitments to do 15 minutes of exercise daily (this is the REALLY hard one), to reach out and be friendly daily (blogging and hopefully even more in person), and to help out in Ann Marie's class each day. I hope that these commitments will help me with the one about being happy. I hope they will make my smiles come more naturally.

Here is to a Brand New Year. One that will no doubt be better and worse in many ways from the last. One in which I hope new love will comfort old pain.

Cool Beans

I have contacted Leanne who made the Bean Bags for the girls. She is willing to take orders via email. So if you are interested in an awesome bean bag, email her.

Her email is leannealise@aol.com.

Again, she makes the bags in different sizes, fabrics etc. It may take her a while from the time you order because she does work full time and is a mother. So give her some lead time from when you want it.

ENJOY!

Santa's Gifts

Thanks again for all the great suggestions for our gift giving this year. One of my readers offered to be Santa's helper and make my wish for bean bags for our girls come true. I had never met Leanne before, which makes her all the more incredible for offering her talent to help make this a reality. You really are awesome Leanne!

We collaborated through email and phone calls and trips to the fabric store. I am so pleased with the fabulous bean bags she made for the girls. They fit our loft perfectly and give the girls a great place to read or watch while others play the Wii. 

Best of all the girls LOVE them! They have made all sorts of new games up on them. They jump from one to another or just love to dive onto them. Finally a bit of furniture they can throw around and jump onto!

Each bag has a girl's name on it and they are all super soft and cozy. They are all the same basic green color but have different fabric patters and feels. The covers are removable and washable. 

Leanne thank you again for all your hard work to make these happen. We need to do sushi together as soon as I have this baby.

DRAMA!

Screams of terror filled the air. Drops of blood spattered on the tile shaken violently from their otherwise peaceful host. An air of emergency tore threw the home. 

Primary on the mother's mind, amidst all the chaos and terror, was one silly thing. "WHERE IS THE TOOTH?"

Annie's new smile

My little Ann Marie is by far the most dramatic person in our little family. When she is sick, it is torture for everyone. She wants everyone around her to join in her feelings, be they pain, fear, joy, or excitement. 

Last night when her tooth became so loose she couldn't eat comfortably with it, I decided it was time to pull it out. I did this with her last tooth and it came out so easily I was shocked. This tooth had not been loose as long but it was still very wiggly. So I wrapped dental floss around it and tried to calm Annie down. She was terrified at the thought of her tooth coming out and flinching in anticipated pain at my every slight movement.

The dental floss slipped up around the root and there was no getting the floss out without the tooth coming with it. I told her I would count to 10 and pull and then she really started to freak out. I realized quicker was better here so I counted "One, Two ...." and then yanked. There was no resistance from the tooth. 

The next thing I knew Ann Marie was screaming and throwing her head about scattering little blood drops everywhere she jumped. I probably should have been prepared with a paper towel for her. In any case, we got a paper towel for her to bite down on and the bleeding quickly stopped. She finally settled down as I held her and told her she was fine and that all teeth bleed when the come out. 

As I held her I finally saw her little tooth on the tile floor. I picked it up and held it safe for her to see when she calmed down. 

Next we went to the bathroom to clean up her hands and polish up her little tooth. There she saw her toothless grin for the first time. I think that was the real turning point. Suddenly her smile was back and she was a little excited about losing her tooth. Her dad's enthusiastic approval of her new smile only heightened this new excitement.

Last night the tooth fairy visited Ann Marie with a larger than normal reward for such a dramatically won tooth. A nice treasure for my little treasure of a girl. 

A New Bit

I love seeing new bits of my baby girl. Jon says our brother in law sent him this some time ago but I don't remember Jon showing it to me. Then again those early days were so filled with fog there is much I don't remember from them. 

I enjoyed watching my little girls smile this morning. Jon has done this circus trick in the video above with each baby except Sabrina and they have each loved it in their own way. Another fun thing in this video for me was seeing the dress Camille is wearing. There are very few dresses I bought specifically for Camille. After 3 other girls I have a few baby girl dresses. But this is one that I did buy just for her and I loved seeing and holding her in it. It is so soft and comfy just like the little angel wearing it.

Count Your Many Blessings

There is a song in our hymn book that starts, "When upon life's billows your are tempest tossed, when you are discouraged thinking all is lost, Count your many blessings, name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord hath done."

Today I have been feeling fairly tempest tossed. But, there has been one bright shining blessing that has been the light to see me through this day. Her name is Sabrina. Above she is standing next to a million pennies. There are more than a million reasons I love this little girl. Today I just want to record what an incredibly wonderful daughter she is to me and how incredibly grateful I am that of all the moms in the world, she got to come to me.

Sabrina is quick to obey and always willing to help her sisters even when I don't ask. She will volunteer to do another's task to keep the peace. She comforts her sisters when they get hurt. She will carry them to me in her arms. 

Sabrina is incredibly sensitive to the feelings and needs of those around her. She has a very tender heart and hates for others to be sad or lonely or in trouble. When I am sad she holds me and tells me it will be okay. She tells me angels are always watching over me and that I am not alone. She wipes away my tears and stays gently by my side. She has a mother's heart. 

When Sabrina was born, she was such a good and happy baby. I quickly realized how little parenting is responsible for how babies act. These little souls come with so much of themselves in tact. I had done nothing to make her good. She just was. I just hoped I wouldn't screw her up. 

I used to wonder how I got so lucky to get the baby who didn't cry, was giggly and happy. The one who fell asleep so easily and would sleep anywhere through any kind of noise. So many of my friends had more high maintenance babies.  As Sabrina has grown, she has continued to be easy to parent and generally a joy to have in our home. 

Today, I realized that she is truly a gift to me. The Lord knew I would have some dark days and He sent me a tender hearted, empathetic, angel of a daughter who would be old enough to comfort me through them in her simple child like ways. I count Sabrina as one of the greatest blessings of my life. She certainly blessed my life today. I love you forever and always my Saby. 

In The End

It is true what they say about holidays being difficult after loss. This Christmas was good in so many ways and hard in so many others. I think Christmas Eve was the hardest for me. We do most of our traditional things on Christmas Eve.

We had a wonderful day as a family and then headed to my parent's house for Christmas Eve dinner with all my family that was in town. Nights in general are my weakest times of day and that night I was especially missing Camille. 

I wished I could have seen her discover Christmas. This would have been the first Christmas she could have tortured the Christmas tree ornaments and tried to unwrap the presents too early. It is the first Christmas she would have wondered at all the lights and joyed in the sweets and treats. 

By the time we were ready to leave my parent's home, I was having a hard time keeping my emotions in check. We went from there to the cemetery to visit Camille's resting place. I think all five of us felt the sorrow of missing the littlest member of our family at the cemetery. We cried and hugged and sang Christmas carols to Camille. Then the girls sang her lullaby to her.

We had a very sweet experience there learning the true meaning of Christmas and seeing it shine through our three year old daughter. But, I will write that story up another time after it has more time to steep into my soul.

Christmas Day was a fun day. I tried to let all my sorrow out the night before so that we could fill the Christmas day with joy. For the most part that worked well. I think the thing that helped the most was focusing on the Savior. Christmas Eve late I felt the Spirit of the Lord fill my heart with the true joy of all that the Savior's birth promised. It turned the tide in my heart and helped me enjoy the greatest gift of the season, the Savior himself.

Before that I had been wondering how there could ever be compensation for such incredible pain and sorrow. By Christmas afternoon I was walking by myself to meet my sisters and mother for a movie and thinking, "You know, when I meet the Savior face to face, none of this pain or sorrow will matter anymore. His love will so fill me that I will not remember this great ache any longer. No matter how long the pain lasts here, it will be gone in an instant when I am with Christ again. The only thing that will matter will be how well I endured the trials I encountered in this life. I will either feel peace or shame depending on how I endured."

The thought reminded me of my favorite part of the video "The Testaments." This is a video that played in a theatre across from Temple Square in Salt Lake City for a long time and is now available on DVD. It was produced by the LDS Church and portrays the events that occurred on the American continent at the end of Savior's ministry, during and after his death. 

The story is told from the point of view of a fictional family living in the Americas at this time. The father is a believer and saw the sign of the Savior's birth. The son was not alive to see this sign and struggles to believe as his father does. 

My favorite scene is the very last scene. It is after the world is shaken and tormented by nature during the crucifixion. There have been 3 days of total darkness after about 3 hours fires and earthquakes and all sorts of destruction.  Some time shortly after that the Savior comes to visit these people. 

My favorite scene is the father's face when he meets the Savior. After all the suffering and loss and persecution he has faced. After holding tight to his faith when the world told him to let it go, there he stands face to face with the Son of God. His face is what I imagine my face will be. 

I highly recommend watching this video. I know you can order the DVD online through lds.org but you can also view it online at YouTube. It is split into 7 parts there. HERE is the link to the 7 parts. I think I will watch the DVD again tomorrow with the kids.

So here is to enduring well with the glorious hope of a better world to come. May we continue to feel the hope the Savior's birth brings to the world throughout the year.

Angel Tree

I want to thank each of you who sent me an angel for Camille's Angel Tree. It has been such a joy to see the beautiful ornaments you all have found. This tree has so much meaning to me. My girls have enjoyed putting the ornaments on and I feel a special spirit whenever I look at all the angels there. They represent not only my sweet angel daughter but so many earthly angels who have cared for our family in these past 6 months. Thank you all.

I have been able to write some personal thank you notes. I do have a few more to write. But some of the packages have come without return addresses or the return address looks like it is for a mailing store. I fear some may have accidently been misplace before I got the note out. I would REALLY like to write a personal thank you to those who have sent these. If you sent an angel and didn't get a thank you note, please email me your address and I will get one out to you. 

Here are the photos of the tree. I tried to get all the ornaments in the photos. I am planning on buying a bigger tree for next year. I think a 4 footer will better display these treasures.

COOKIES!

Cookies are probably my favorite sweet. So tomorrow night at 7 p.m. I am hosting a cookie swap. If you know me well enough to know where I live, consider yourself invited. 

Everyone will bring 3-4 dozen of their favorite Christmas cookies and recipes to share. We are going to keep it simple by sampling each others cookies and making plates of cookies to take home for "Santa" (assuming they ever really make it all the way home.) 

I am excited to see who and what kinds of cookies show up. I hope to enjoy some fun with friends and discover a few new favorite cookies as well. Feel free to share your favorite cookie recipe in the comments if you live too far away to come! I will put a great one up there too after the party.

Singing Praises

My girls and I have a goal to finish reading the Book of Mormon together by the end of the year. In our Sunday School class at church we spend a year studying one of four books. This year it is The Book of Mormon. Last year it was the New Testament. Before that it was the Old Testament. Next year we study our church's history and revelations given in more modern times recorded in the Doctrine and Covenants. This goes in a rotation. As a family we try to read along.

So last week in our reading towards the end of the Book of Mormon we read one of my favorite stories. It was a wonderful experience to read this story with my girls and be able to apply it to our lives with them. 

The story tells of a man named Jared and his brother who lived at the time of the tower of Babel. These are righteous men and Jared's brother is a man a great faith. He prays and the Lord makes it so that he and his brother can understand each other still. The Lord then leads them away on a journey to a choice land.

I think it is interesting how many times people in scriptures must make long journeys. These journeys become analogies for our lives and the journey we make through mortality to our own "promised land" in the life beyond.

When these brothers and their families come to the great waters to cross, they are instructed to make boats and are helped in knowing how to make them. The Lord provides all their needs to safely make this journey and even gives them a bit of light in the form of divinely illuminated stones to take with them in these vessels designed to travel both above and under the water. 

But my favorite part of the story is told in the few verses that tell of this people's journey. The story reads as follows:

Ether Chapter 6:

4  ...and it came to pass that when they had done all these things they got aboard of their vessels or barges, and set forth into the sea, commending themselves unto the Lord their God.

  5 And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind.

  6 And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind.

  7 And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being tight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the ark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters.

  8 And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind.

  9 And they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord.

  10 And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither whale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water.

  11 And thus they were driven forth, three hundred and forty and four days upon the water.

  12 And they did land upon the shore of the promised land. And when they had set their feet upon the shores of the promised land they bowed themselves down upon the face of the land, and did humble themselves before the Lord, and did shed tears of joy before the Lord, because of the multitude of his tender mercies over them.

I explained to my little girls that we must be like these people as we journey through hard times here in life. It must have been hard for them rocking in the storms of the sea and being tossed about by the furious winds. But it was those very winds that were taking them to their promised land. The winds were crucial to their arrival at that distant shore. 

Many of our trials in life, are like those winds that are given to help push us closer to our Savior. Sometimes these trials bury us deep in sorrow and feel as if they will completely suffocate us in grief or sadness. But if we will cry unto the Lord in faith in these times, the Lord will bring us up for air by and by. 

I LOVE in this account that these travelers weathered their storm by singing praises to the Lord all day long and all through the night. I want to be like these faith filled travelers. I strive to find the joy and happiness to sing such praises. I want my girls to realize the blessings in our trials and know from whence such merciful blessings come.

I am finding my singing voice once more. I think Christmas has helped me in that respect. There is so much joy in the birth of the Savior. I am happy to be able to sing the carols that celebrate His birth. I wonder at how I will feel giving birth to a son of my own in the coming months. I know that these are but a few of the many tender mercies the Lord has blessed me with in this storm. I look forward to that day when I will be able to kneel at the feet of my Savior and bath His feet in tears of gratitude for all the incredible gifts He has given to me.

May we all enjoy singing the praises to the Savior in this most joyous season of His birth. 

Retail Therapy

Yesterday I decided I needed a little retail therapy to get me excited about having a boy. I figured if I could find some boy things I loved to start making a "boy" space in our home, my heart would get the spirit and follow suit.

So after a trip with my mom to Target, I reconfigured our crib to be a boy crib. This was the result.

We painted the nursery light blue when we moved here a year ago just in case we ever did have a boy. So I am adding dark brown to the decor to make it more masculine. I really liked this bedding at Target and it is hard to beat Target prices. 

I must admit it was pretty sad to have to pass up the REALLY cute little ladybug bedding they had at Target. Lauren was pretty sad to be getting blue and brown dots rather than cute little ladybugs. But I think she is coming around at her own pace. I promised her that if peanut was a boy she could have a girl baby doll. Now when I ask if she is excited about having a baby brother she says, "No. I am excited to get a girl baby doll." It is a step in the right direction right?

For me, however, the retail therapy did wonders. I am really getting excited about imagining our family with a brother. It is funny how transforming the nursery and making him a space in our home has made such a space for him in my heart.

Some may wonder if it was hard for me to make such changes to Camille's crib and her room. I asked my family while we were in the hospital with Camille to remove all baby things from my house. I just didn't want to run across whole milk in the fridge and break down. For me this was just easier. So I didn't have to remove Camille's things to make this change. Those things are boxed up at my parents. I will go through them in the Spring I suppose.

Also, seeing as Camille was our fourth child and I am cheap, she didn't have much that was HERS. Her crib is THE crib. All our babies have used it and I don't associate it with Camille specifically. The same is true of the car seat, the stroller, the high chair etc... The only things uniquely hers were a few blankets, toys, and some clothes. So making these changes has not been too emotional. Some changes are good and changes to prepare for a new baby are always good in my book.

Views of Peanut

This is one of the 3D pictures we got at our ultrasound appointment today. I am thrilled to report that the baby looks healthy in every respect. I have not cared whether we have a girl or boy. But I knew that it would be an emotional trigger to discover the sex of our child. I knew whether peanut was a he or a she, I would need to do some emotional processing. 

I have known since Camille died that we would never be able to replace her. I did not get pregnant in an effort to replace her. I want the joy that a new baby, any new baby, brings to a mother's heart. It doesn't matter whether my child is a girl or boy. I know I will have that joy. 

Still, there are emotions that come with varying degrees knowing that this child will be unique and different while my heart longs for something known and unattainable. It is part of the nature of the beast. I knew I would have to face it. I chose to face it now so that when the baby is born, I will not have to deal with these emotions then. I am sure there will be enough emotions to deal with on that blessed day all by itself, without a gender surprise.

I am happy we found out today...

...that we are having a baby boy!

It is going to take enough adjusting in my mind to psyche myself up for a boy as is, nevermind the added grief element. I have become very accustomed to girls. Still if I am ever going to have a boy, now is the time to do it. There will be an almost 4 year gap between him and Lauren. And I am happy he will not have to deal with ever being compared to Camille.

Jon is thrilled. Sabrina and Ann Marie are excited to finally be getting a brother. Lauren -- well she was sad and mad. She said she wanted a girl baby so she could have Mill Mills back. After explaining that even if it was a girl it wouldn't be Camille, I had a nice little silent break down of my own. I want Camille back too. I just know better than a 3 year old that having a new baby just won't do that. Still the knowing doesn't remove the longing from your heart.

I am settling into the idea of having a son. It is weird for me to even write that word in reference to myself. But I am excited to learn first hand the love a mother feels for a son and what that type of relationship is like. I am also excited for my girls to know the love a girl has for her brother. I was always glad to have both brothers and a sister growing up so I could know both types of sibling relationships.

While I am a little nervous about this baby's seemingly spastic level of energy and movement in the womb, I am confident my love for him will only make this feature (if he is this high energy out in the world) all the more endearing.

OH BOY! Here I begin a whole new adventure!

Official Snow Day!

Yes, schools are closed and 

the fun is in! Wahoo! 

Here is what the world looked like when I woke up!

We had fun building the snow lady. 

Now it is time for hot chocolate!

Twice In A Lifetime!

Snow in the backyard at 6 p.m.

1979

That was the last time Las Vegas 

saw this much snow!

 

Snow out front at 6 p.m.

I remember that event. I was 5 and my parents were having a party. I didn't want to go to bed because it had started snowing and I wanted to go play in it. I was worried it would melt in the night. My mother assured me it wouldn't and I finally went to sleep.

Snow out front just before 2 p.m.

The next morning was Sunday and we had church to go to. Our neighbors, the Zobrist family, went to the same church and we happened to be leaving around the same time. I remember getting into a great snowball fight in our Sunday clothes just before we piled in the cars to head to the church. 

Snow out front just after 3 p.m.

The snow then lasted for days. We built snowmen and all that. There was 8 inches at McCarran Airport that year. This will likely not be as heavy as that year was. My parents said they had 3 inches and they are near the airport. But it is still snowing!?!

Snow out front at 6 p.m.

Here we have about 6 inches now at the base of our mountains and it is really coming down out there still. It has been snowing non-stop since about 10:30. It started as flurries then got heavy for several hours. It started sticking around 1 p.m. It lightened up around 6 p.m. and is heavy again now. It is supposed to continue through the night. 

Snow out back at just before 2 p.m.

I can't wait to see how it looks tomorrow.  We will have to watch the news in the morning to see if the school district is going to call a snow day tomorrow and cancel school. I hope they do. If not we may have to declare our own snow day. Who wants to drive in this anyway? And how often to Las Vegas kids get to play in the snow??? I think I see a snow man happening tomorrow!

The kids with neighbors playing in the snow out front just after 3 p.m.

 If only we had snow clothes! 

The kids eating snow off the car just before 2 p.m.

All ours are up at the cabin in Utah.  

Oh well! 

Hope you all enjoy the photos 

I took throughout the day!

The snow coming down in the backyard at 6 p.m.

My Best Friend

OK, I was going to title this post “My BFF” but I kept thinking about Paris Hilton and various 13-year olds’ overuse of the term and thought better of it. I don’t want to degrade or make commonplace my relationship with the most wonderful woman out there. Stephanie and I were friends first and always have and always will enjoy our friendship. I remember when I had graduated from college and was single. I didn’t seem to think of Stephanie in romantic terms. However, I always thought about her. I always compared my dates to her. For some reason, I found myself talking about her to my dates. I remember one time during college talking to a friend of mine about Stephanie and the friend replied that her friend had called her a “#@*$@!”. I remember almost exploding in defense of her and how wonderful she was and how that definitely was NOT the case. I have always thought of standing up for your friends but rarely did I feel so emotional about my response as then (probably should have been a sign for me).

I believe the most beautiful thing about Stephanie is her heart. She loves people and can somehow find herself loving me despite my imperfections. She gives people the benefit of the doubt. In my experience with people, those with big hearts are also selfless. Stephanie many times sacrifices for the wellbeing of others. She finds satisfaction in maintaining her two blogs and that somehow and someway others feel lifted up by them. She loves her girls like many of the best mothers do – with all her heart and through selfless service. But she’s also a good snuggler. Mamas that not only sacrifice but also are affectionate are what help families and societies succeed and flourish.

And speaking of snuggling, Stephanie has a way of doing that emotionally with people. She loves to talk to people and find out about them. She loves people in general. Case in point: when we were at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York last week, her favorite pieces of art were portraits. She likes artists such as John Singer Sargeant (among others). While I loved the musical instruments, sculptures, furniture and other inanimate objects, she was savoring the human, emotional side of a painting. That goes the same for movies and TV. She likes drama, romance, etc. that speaks to human relationships. None of that crazy scifi stuff that daddy likes. No, wait a minute – she even enjoys some Star Trek episodes that speak to human relationships and human dilemmas. Her big heart is intimately entwined with enjoying other people and making others happy. I love how much she cares for others and it inspires me to care more for others and to be more selfless.

When I was growing up and would think of people I could envision being in heaven, I always thought of my own mother and a handful of other people. When dealing with contemporaries and friends, you tend to know all their faults and problems. So usually envisioning them in that category is sometimes tough. I admit, when I first met Stephanie I thought she was a nice person, but she was no saint. However, she’s like a fine wine – getting better with every passing day. She’s now up there with mom and others, who have impressed me so much with their Christlike love. The person Stephanie is has now defined part of heaven for me.

We have had our own struggles and challenges (mostly induced by me). But there is no one else in the world I’d rather have by my side. She is my friend in every way and I think of her as part of me. I love you Stephanie and Happy Birthday!

Oh and did I mention she is one hot, sexy woman?? Maybe that’s for another post…