So You Think You Can Dance

I went to the taping of tonight's So You Think You Can Dance show yesterday. It was so much fun! I got to tell Mia Michaels that I love her. She is my favorite choreographer. She does one of tonight's numbers and Evan and Randi dance it. It is in my top 2 of tonight's performances (at least from my view at the live taping.) The other one I just loved was a Dave Scott hip hop routine with Brandon and Janette. Brandon is a pretty incredible dancer.

I loved watching all the dances. I was in the back row standing right next to the bottom stair to the judges platform. This let me see the judges and choreographers really well. The dances ... well I could see them from the knee up. I am not that tall. I needed some serious platform shoes to see over the 5 rows of heads in front of me. I am pretty sure you will not be able to see me in any of the crowd shots. But I am wearing a bright orange shirt if you want to look anyway.

You probably will be able to see my friend Catherine. She and my sister in law Nikki and my friend Carrie went with me. Catherine is pregnant so she got a seat in the stands with the contestants families. She right behind all of Randi's family with the signs. She is wearing a gray shirt. And she confirmed that yes, Randi is LDS.

I will be watching tonight to catch all the below the knee action. :) Feel free to come join me if you like. Party starts promptly at 8:45.

A Story by Ann Marie

Ann Marie hand wrote a story for her dad for Father's day. It was one of an assortment of handmade gifts the girls and I gave to Jonathan for Father's day. She worked really hard to write all of this story out and then she read it to me and I typed it up so Dad could read it easier.

Jonathan is always encouraging the girls to make up their own stories and write them down and illustrate them. It is one of his staple babysitting activities. They always come up with something creative.

Here is "The Father's Day Gift" in Annie's own words:

The

Father’s Day Gift

By Ann Marie Waite

June 21, 2009

Once upon a time on a regular day there was a dad with eight kids and seven animals. Let me tell you the names of the pets and the kids. First are the kids. The first kid was a girl named Aliza. The second one was Tanner. Third was Isa. Fourth was Andrew. Fifth was Noble. Sixth was Lewie. Seventh was Sarah. Eighth was Noah.

Next are the pets. The first pet was a hamster. Second was a gerbil. Third was a dog. The fourth was a cat. The fifth was a snake. Sixth was a lizard. Seventh was a turtle.

Well everything was not going very well. Well their dad (or should I say sick dad) dad was sick for good. He threw up on his sheets ten times and his clothes and had diarrhea for twenty days.

So that day Aliza thought since their father was sick she started a new holiday. She named it Father’s Day. So she got ingredients and made a new medicine. She gave it to the little kids and they gave it to their dad and he was cured from Aliza. She was the best kid he had ever had.

Soon she had kids. And every Father’s Day she would help them set up stuff for their dad and every Dad’s day he would love it sooooooooooooo much that he finally signed them up for school. They were excited for the first day of school sooooooooooo much that they would buy everything that he always wanted. That is how much they loved him. Ssoooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.

Sunday was the day that Dad’s day was brought to Earth. That’s what Father’s Day feels like – Happiness. It feels so good to be loved soooooooooooooooooo much. I love Father’s Day.

The End

One in a Million

My blog counter hit the 1,000,000 mark yesterday. A million visits by who knows how many people. What an amazing thing it is that so many people have shown love, concern, and interest in Camille, her story, her mission, and her family.

All this in one year. A year ago today we held her funeral. I have a CD recording of it. I have not listened to it yet. But I think perhaps today I will. Jon and I talked today about how important it is to remember Camille. It is not important to remember the pain and suffering we have and sometimes still do feel. It is not important to remember the tragedy of her death. But there are so many good things I do want to remember.

I want always to remember how our family rallied around us in our darkest hours. They went to amazing lengths to comfort, console, and help us. All this while feeling their own sense of loss. We have been richly blessed with an amazing family. They literally held me up when I could not get up on my own. No matter what difficulties, disagreements, or divides we may face in the future, the love they showed me after Camille's accident will not be forgotten. It ties me to them even more deeply than I thought possible.

I also want to remember the feeling in our home just after Camille's passing. I needed it to be a place of love and peace so that I could feel her near. Time has worn down that NEED and our home is not always a place of peace and love. But I want to remember how it was in the beginning because that is how I want it to be always. That is now the goal for which I daily strive.

I want to remember all the kindness of friends and strangers, the powerful feeling on being prayed for by so many, the goodness of mankind. These memories give me hope in a seemingly morally deteriorating world.

I want to remember the way I saw my children through Camille's eyes that first day after she died. I want always to see them for the glorious spirit children of God that they are. Even when they are being naughty, I want to see the light that they innately carry as spiritual offspring of divinity.

I want to remember our drive to live clean and worthy lives, continually repenting and relying on the Saviors atonement to make us so. I want to remember to repent every day so that I can be as clean and pure as Camille is and so that if my time should come tomorrow I would be worthy to be with her. I want this memory to drive me not to screw up so often in the first place.

And I want to remember Camille. I want to remember our family as a family of four little girls. I want to remember that now there are 7 of us, not just the 6 I can see. I want to remember her sounds and smells and snuggles. I want to remember her enough for her sisters to lean on my memory when their own fades. This is the hard part of remembering. It brings with it such acute missing, longing, and heartache. Still, I want to remember because memories are all I have left of her.

And so this Father's day we will remember the little girl who last Father's day we held as she passed from our arms to her Father in Heaven's arms.

And this Father's day we will rejoice in the new little son with whom our family has been blessed. This Father's day we will be grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who has trusted us with 5 of his choice children. This Father's day we will give the Father of our little family all the love, joy, and pampering that was overlooked in the shadow of grief last Father's day.

Happy Father's day Jonathan.

To us 6 you are one in a million.

Angel Ann Marie

Every once in a while one of my children magically transforms to become an angel child. Today was one of those days for Ann Marie. I want to record her day so that someday when the two of us are having a harder time, we both can remember how wonderful today was. It was so good it deserves its own post.

The day started tired for me. Not much sleep from the little guy last night and Jon took the baby downstairs around 7 to give me a couple hours of sleep. He paid the girls with jellybeans (thanks Ed and Megeann) that our friends gave us to bounce the baby in his bouncy seat.

When I came down the TV was on and the baby was happy bouncing. I casually mentioned that we would need to empty the dishwasher so I could get the dishes done. I expected to have to wait till the show ended and then force kids to get to it like usual. But as soon as I closed my mouth Ann Marie hopped up and went and unloaded the dishwasher. She didn't complain that no one else was working. She just did it.

Then she helped me load the dishwasher and clean off the counters. All while her sisters watched the rest of the show. Later while I was bathing the baby Sabrina told me that Ann Marie was advancing the laundry for me. I didn't even ask her to do that. She just saw the need and did it.

That seemed to continue through the day. She was picking up the house as she went. Tonight she came down because she was lonesome and unable to sleep and I told her she could read a book for a few minutes while I did the dishes (again). She came over to load with me first and then read her poem book for a few minutes before going up to bed without being asked.

Have I mentioned that I LOVE this girl??? And on days like today I feel like the luckiest mom in the world to have her in my home! She has the potential for such incredible greatness in so many respects. She is highly intelligent. She is incredibly agile. She is naturally talented in music. She loves BIG. She is always up for a challenge.

But of all the ways she can be great, I hope most of all she becomes great in being obedient and helpful like she was today. All her many talents will serve her so much better if she uses them to serve others. Thank you Ann Marie, for serving me so well today. I love you!

I took this photo the other day because Ann Marie asked me to. After I took it she said, "Hey Mom, maybe you could use that photo to send out to people for the card that we send out to people with the pictures on it to tell them baby Noble is born. You know like the photos we took where we had to wear those clothes you bought for Aunt Elizabeth to take our photos?"

I am not going to be using this photo for Noble's birth announcement but wanted to share it with you here because it is a cute photo of a cute girl who REALLY loves her little baby brother.

Dance Review 2

Okay it is week 2 of the competition. Last week was pretty incredible. There weren't too many I didn't like last week. But probably my favorites were the Many Moore piece danced by Melissa and Ade and the Fox Trot and the first hip hop with Phillip and the one with Evan and Randi. Okay I know. I liked a lot of them.

This week was less stellar. My favorite by a long shot was the contemporary with Jonathan and Karla. I loved that piece. I also really enjoyed the disco. It was like disco on speed. I am finding the costuming a bit distracting in several of the numbers. Come on wardrobe people! Don't make the outfit steal the attention from the dance.

I was sad for the people sent home. They seemed sad. But someone must go and they were not on my top favorite list so it was a good choice. Every cut is going to be hard this year because the dancers are all really good.

Also I was very glad Evan's brother is going to Vegas for season 6. Good luck to you Ryan!

I am excited to go see the show live this next week and am hopeful that Mia Michaels will choreograph at least one of the routines. I think it is about her turn to do that. I love her work.

I will let you know what it is like to attend a taping!

Baptism/Blessing Photos

I got the photos of the baptism and blessing day from my sister in law Elizabeth. Here are a few of my favorites:

Here are the two little loveys all dressed in white.

I just LOVE this photo with the blue pillow in the background.

This one I love because you can see the necklace of Camille on my neck so close to her little brother about to be blessed.

Super sweet, super traditional photo of dad with daughter about to be baptized by immersion.

Here is dad with his rather unhappy son just after his blessing. Little son got woken up to have this blessing gown put on him. He was none too happy about that but it was necessary because of the story of the dress. ann marie was cuter.

Okay so I was in the middle of typing this entry and got interrupted by life. It happens. So I left the computer and am just now getting back to finish it. In the meantime It seems someone found my computer and added to my entry. You can see the sentence above this paragraph in a different font. I did not write that. I will give you all three guesses on who did. Hmmm....

Back to the dress story. This blessing gown was handmade for the blessing of Jonathan's maternal grandfather, McKay Christensen. It was made by Ann Marie Peterson, Jon's grandfather's maternal grandmother. This grandmother was the only mother McKay ever really remembered because his mother died when he was only 2 years old. His father died when he was 5 and grandma Ann Marie moved in to raise him and his 4 older siblings. She passed away when McKay was 15.

My mother in law told us the story of Ann Marie Peterson's life when I was newly pregnant with our second child. I told Jon that if we had a girl I wanted to name her after this remarkable woman who had great faith and lived a life of service and sacrifice. Obviously we did have a girl and that is why her name is Ann Marie. And yes, she is pretty darn cute.

All of our kids have worn this gown to be blessed. Jonathan also wore the gown on his blessing day. It is a special heirloom and we hope the kids will feel the tie to their faithful ancestors as they look back at the pictures of their blessing day.

The family after the blessing and baptism.

Party tonight!

Tonight is my first official So You Think You Can Dance Party! 8:30 at my house. If you know me well enough to know where I live you are welcome to come watch with me. Hopefully Noble will be a happy or sleepy little guy through it so I can enjoy the dancing on the screen and avoid having to do the baby dance with him. :)

Next week I am going to the taping of the performance show. I am excited. It will be a quick trip but with a super sister in law to watch Noble, I am going to make it happen.

Hope to see some SYTYCD fans tonight!

In Response to a Comment

Little Man showing off his dimples.

He is my only child with dimples. So cute.

There was a comment when I got back from vacation that suggested that it seemed I loved Noble less than my other children because he apparently got shafted by not getting a post about his blessing. I wanted to clear things up a bit.

First - I hope that none of my children will ever look back at this blog and try to gauge my love for them based upon the number or types of posts I do about them. If the number of baby pictures each of us has of ourselves were the judge of who was most loved, I am sure all oldest children would win that contest.

The number of posts I do about each child is in no way a reflection of the amount I love them. I love all my children equally and uniquely. That is why each has a flower. No flower is better than the other. I love all the flowers equally but for different reasons.

Now I know many have asked if Noble will have a flower. The answer is probably not. But he will have something. I am not sure what yet. I don't know him well enough to pick out what he reminds me of yet. I am sure as we get to know each other better I will choose something. Maybe a tree or some other kind of plant or animal.

Back to posts = love. Actually, I felt like I had done many posts on Noble as of late. I actually have been thinking I need to highlight Ann Marie and Lauren more since they seem less "represented" here. I do try to be sensitive to highlighting each child because I am a classic middle child who had identical twin younger brothers. (translation -- I was attention starved as a child.)

I do have a couple of posts brewing in my head about those two girls. But they are not time sensitive. I will get to them.

Second, to answer the question about why Sabrina's baptism got such the spotlight and Noble's blessing was more of a footnote.

Baptism is a big deal. It is an essential step that an individual must choose to take for herself in order to return to live with our Heavenly Father again. By choosing to be baptized we make promises or covenants with our Heavenly Father to keep His commandments and take the name of Jesus Christ upon us (or live a Christ like life). In return Heavenly Father promises us that we will be forgiven of our sins and have the Holy Ghost to be our constant companion as long as we live worthy. We mess up all the time, but we can renew these promises weekly by attending church and taking the sacrament.

Baptism is the first step we take in our lives toward returning Home. When Sabrina choose to be baptized she was taking a step closer to Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and to being with her sister Camille again. I want her to remember her baptism day. I want personally to remember the feelings I felt as I watched my little girl take that step and be "reborn." I felt a strong witness of the Spirit that day. As I saw her baptized I felt powerfully the reality of what a significant GIANT step she was taking closer to Home. I want to share my feelings with her now and as she grows older and understands this more fully.

As for baby blessings, they are spiritual experiences and the blessing given is inspired. The blessing is not prepared ahead. It is literally what the priesthood holder giving the blessing feels inspired by the Lord to say in that moment. Sabrina was also given a blessing as part of her confirmation. (After she was baptized, her father put his hands on her head and confirmed her a member of the LDS church and by the priesthood authority he holds gave her the gift of the Holy Ghost. He then gave her an inspired blessing. The things he told her were things the Lord would have her know. Things she was doing well and counsel to help her in her life.)

Blessings are very personal. I wrote as much of them down as I could so my children could have a record of them, but they are not the kind of thing I feel comfortable sharing on the internet. They aren't MY blessings to share.

So there was not much to report on Noble's blessing other than he was blessed. I would certainly have shared a photo of him in his cute blessing outfit (and I still will) except that my sister in law took all the photos that day and has them on her camera. When she sends them to me I will be posting one of the little man with a story about the outfit he is wearing. That is a good story to share.

In the mean time I took a couple of photos of the little man on the way home. I was trying to capture on film the blueness of his eyes and how big he has gotten. Somehow I never can capture the beauty I see through the lens of a camera. Still I will share what I did get.

He has grown so much! Now if he would just think about sleeping through the night ;)

The Blue Eyes.

I wish you could see how blue they really are. This photo still doesn't do them justice. They remind me of Camille's eyes. But it is often hard to see the blue for all the light that is continually in his eyes whenever they are open. His beautiful blues are ALWAYS filled with light. Even when he is crying.

Vacation

I am back from a lovely vacation in Southern California. Running away proved to be a fabulous idea and the time away has left me feeling relaxed though sleep deprived. But then most of us mothers of newborns are sleep deprived. There are some jobs from which there are no vacations.

I also took what has been my longest vacation from blogging. I actually didn't even take my computer on my trip. I wanted to just be disconnected from the world for a bit. It was lovely to forget which day it was and wonder what to do with each day.

And now today I am back. Back to my home. Back to my own bed. Back to my own schedule.

Today I am not marking the one year mark. Physically my body knows what day it is, what weekend it has been. I have been fighting off migraines since Saturday evening. I get these only when I am going through something stressful. But luckily I am able to nip them in the bud with Excedrin or Ibuprofin.

Emotionally I am SOOOO much better than I was a year ago ... well it just makes me feel grateful to be where I am today instead of where I was.

A year ago this day marked the end of one journey and the beginning of another. The 13th is the day I feel like we really lost Camille. I knew she was gone when I got to the hospital and saw Jon's face. That day was the worst day. The 15th was the day we said goodbye and resigned ourselves to the fact that miracle of her recovering was not in the Lord's plan.

This day marked the end of the terrible unknown in the hospital and the beginning of the certainty of a life without Camille. A year ago that was a life I didn't know how I could live. It was a life without joy, without hope, without the sun to shine on me.

Today I have learned that it is not a life without Camille. The sun still shines on me. There is still joy, hope and happiness. Camille is still very much a part of our family and I feel her light often in our home. There are still waves of sorrow and grief and pain but today I know that life is so much more than I thought it could ever again be a year ago.

Today I feel like I am turning a new page, starting a new chapter in this journey. I have passed all the firsts. Today I am writing new scripts, making new memories. Today Camille is well and happy and so am I. I am grateful for today.

A New Favorite Treat

We went to the Bouchon the other night to enjoy great food with good company and the incredible hospitality of the staff there and our friend Chris who is the pastry chef. As always we had amazing food. But the real treat here is always the dessert course. 

Chris has been working on an idea he had a couple of years ago. Remember push up pops? The sherbet pops that you push up and eat? I loved those things growing up. Well Chris wanted to make his own version of it. It took 2 years to perfect the production but what we ate last Friday night was pretty much perfection in my book. 

These are made with homemade frozen yogurt made from homemade yogurt and blackberry sorbet. The yogurt was better than most ice creams I have had and I am kind of a connoisseur of ice cream. ;) The berry sorbet brought the right pop of flavor and the whole thing ate clean. 

It was such a fun dessert and incredibly tasty. I have been craving one since that night. Seriously I wish I could pick these up in my grocery store. I think I may have to add them to my favorite desserts list. Chris's creations keep adding to the list. 

June 6, 2009 - WonderFULL!

I want to mark the date for such a wonderful day. Yesterday was a day FULL of wonderful things. The schedule was full with treat making, cleaning, swim lessons, family dinners, incredible food, amazing friends, and it was all topped off with spiritual events that filled my heart. During the baptism I was filled with peace and that amazing feeling of being lifted up to a higher plane of consciousness where somehow the world fades away and life - with all the good and the bad - seems to come together and make sense. I felt a few moments of pure clarity devoid of the confusion and tumult of life. These are the moment we live for. They are beautiful.

We started the day early cleaning the house. My awesome friend Stephanie showed up unexpectedly ready to help. I want to be like her when I grow up. She saw the need when she was over the day before and just came over to help. She is awesome! Thanks again Stephanie.

When the cleaning was done we spent some sorely needed time with the cousins from California who drove up for the baptism. Later more cousins came and we played with all of them over a meal before heading to the church.

Attending Sabrina's baptism and Noble's blessing were: the Martin family whose daughter Alexis was also baptized; Grandad Harris and Nana; Grandad and Grandma Waite; Morgan and Elizabeth Harris with Berkeley, Stella, Charlotte and baby in the belly; Brad and Julene Ballard with Joshua, Allyse, Joseph, Angelina, and Benjamin; Aaron and Carolyn Waite with Eden and Ava (in from Tennessee); Darleen Meier with Stella, Lucas, and Jackson (in from Connecticut); Spencer and Marleen Gunnerson with Nora, Aubrey and baby in the belly; David Waite and Stephen Waite; Chesley and Mary Davies; Justin and Sarah Striblen with Abigail and Madeline; Kathy and Lauren Fairchild; Jason and Stephanie Morris with Jameson, Susanna, Abigail, and Carson; Catherine Noorda with Cooper, Brennan, and baby in the belly; Shelli Bryan with Conner, Ryder, Ainsley and nephew Ryan LaBarbara; Lisa Bench, Carolyn Crockett, Reed Howe; Jonathan and Stephanie Waite with Sabrina, Ann Marie, Lauren, Noble, ... Camille, and many others the eye cannot see.

Yes, at one point in the program at the end of the baptism talk I felt distinctly that Camille was next to me. Moments later her sisters Sabrina and Ann Marie got up to sing a special musical number and I felt she was with them on at the podium. This was one of the highlights of the event for me.

The second came as I watched in the wings with a towel while Sabrina was baptized by her father. It was very much like watching a birth for me. It felt renewing, like the start of a new phase, and I felt the Spirit witness to me more than at any other baptism before that this ordinance is a new birth. Sabrina walked up the steps of the baptismal font to me after and as I wrapped the towel around her I said "Happy Birthday." This was truly a new birthday for her.

She walked into the bathroom to change and said to Alexis "your turn." Later they were confirmed. And after the closing song and prayer we blessed baby Noble. Between my furious note taking I saw all the little children there singing together the closing song and again I had a moment of instruction from heaven. Little children - they are our examples. It is all about becoming meek, submissive, innocent and humble as a little child. That is my goal. 

I am grateful for a family so filled with little children to remind me of that and who daily lead the way. 

Cake Balls

I spent the morning and early afternoon making THESE:

And in the process I gained a whole new appreciation for those who make any sort of chocolates. These little balls of chocolate covered cake are pure heaven. I am giving them out as favors to thank those who are coming to support Sabrina at her baptism tomorrow. 

It is late. I have had a busy day. I will have a busy and wonderful day tomorrow. So for now I must rest my little head.

Dance Review

I just finished watching the results announcing the top 20 and I am very excited for this season. I am so glad that Brandon and Evan made it through. I was bummed that the Miami Ballet guy couldn't get out of his contract. I hope he comes back. 

I liked so many of the people chosen. I was sad to have the brothers have to be split and hope that the older brother will come back for the fall season. They seem to have a pretty good mix in this season and I am excited to see how they partner up. That always makes a BIG difference. A good chemistry can help so much to sell a partnership.

There will be no party this next week as I will be in California but the parties will start the following week. I am looking forward to it! It is great to have something to look forward to.

Plans

June has always been a month filled with plans. Family vacations, graduations, swim lessons, recitals -- they all seem to cluster to June. Last year we had lots of June plans. We made it half way through them before our world came crumbling down and all our plans changed.

This year I am making plans again. I am happy to be mentally and emotionally able to make plans. I have come a long way since Camille's accident when my head turned into a strainer (unable to hold anything in it except my grief). The grief is still a prominent feature in my head. It still takes its place on the stage of my mind. But it is no longer featured as the starring role. 

This June I am planning Sabrina's baptism and Noble's baby blessing. We are doing them both the same night. I am looking forward to that this weekend. It is great to have such happy things to fill this time and keep me focused on the living wonders before me. 

Next week I am running away. :) I know many other mothers of angels do some sort of celebration or commemoration on the day their child left this life. We all find our own path through grief. Personally, I wish so much that the middle of June was in no way significant to me or my family. I do not want to do anything to celebrate that day in any way. It was the worst day of my life (or at least half of it was.)

So I am planning to run away with my family - away from home where it happened, away from everyone who was around us, away from every place Camille ever set eyes on -- away. We have decided to go to San Diego with the Kunz family. Their son Daxton died the same week as Camille and we have been good friend this last year.

I hope some time at the beach and some theme parks and in beautiful nature with beautiful weather will "take me away" from the thoughts and events of last year. I guess we will see how it goes. My only way to "commemorate" our one year mark will be taking "family" pictures with my sister in law (and perhaps I will blog that day.)

Thank you for your prayers and support as we approach this mile marker. I appreciate them. I do alright as long as I stay busy and out and about. But in quiet moments when I am alone or with just Noble, I can feel the barometer of grief rising. I know so many think it should be easy by now. But living this reality, it just isn't easy, I don't know if or when it ever will be. So thanks for the support. 

A Quick Day

Ever have those days that seem to race by and are over before you know it? Today has been one of those days for me. It isn't that I had SOOO much to do. Though I was busy all day. I am not sure why but today the time just flew. And with it went the month of May. 

So now I have to step into June. I am not sure I will ever feel the same about the month of June. June should be a happy bright, sunny, vacation type month. Now seeing the word June or saying it just makes me feel like there is a great big storm cloud hanging over the month. 

Maybe I can ignore it or "think" or "not think" it away. I don't know. Ready or not, here she comes -- June.  No doubt she will bring the waves with her. And me -- I will huddle down in the boat with my friends and together we will weather the storm that besets us.

8 is Great!

Eight years ago right now I was in the hospital in MAJOR pain. I was about 5 hours away from giving birth to a beautiful gift from heaven that would bring me more joy than I could ever have imagined at that time. After a long difficult and traumatic labor, Sabrina Lucile Waite entered the world and immediately stole my heart.

Today we had a small birthday party for her with a few friends at Peter Piper Pizza. It was a very easy way to do a birthday party. That was exactly my objective with a newborn in tow. And Sabrina loved the party. She and her friends all had a great time playing the games and eating pizza, cake and ice cream.

Next week Sabrina will be baptized. In our church we wait till children reach the ripe old age of eight before we baptize them. This is the age the Lord has set out in revelation to modern day prophets to be the "age of accountability." Or in other words, the age where children know right and wrong and are accountable for their actions before the Lord.

My sister took these photos of Sabrina about a week ago. We used several on her invitations to her baptism. I love them and love having such a stunning visual record of my little girl at this beautiful time in her life.

Sabrina is a beautiful girl. I think this is pretty obvious to anyone who looks at her. But what pictures can't show is how incredibly beautiful she is inside. She has the most gentle loving spirit I have ever known. She is happy and helpful. She is very obedient even when she really doesn't want to be. She loves deeply and purely. She is completely without guile. The sight of her, the thought of her, being next to her, just makes me smile. It is that simple. She brings me joy. She is my gerber daisy -- bright, happy, colorful, cheerful, sunny, and simply beautiful.

May you always be as pure and clean, as happy and tender, as loving and kind as you are now my sweet Sabrina. You are heaven sent and heaven bound. I thank our Heavenly Father that He sent you first to blaze the strait and narrow trail for your sisters and be such a solace to me personally. I love you more everyday - which hardly seems possible -- but it is true. Happy Birthday Sabrina Lucile.

Dance Auditions 2

I don't have too much to say about SYTYCD this week. I LOVED Adam Shankman's partnering of the lindy hop girl and the critique by the former contestants. That was classic. 

I also love the guy who does the old Gene Kelly style dance that made it to the top 40 last year. I am so glad he came back this year and his tap dancing brother was great too. I hope one of them makes it further this year. 

I was a little bugged by how much of the "bad" auditions they showed and how few of the great ones. I would rather watch all good ones and just leave out the sad ones. But Jon likes the ones that aren't good so at least he will watch this part of the show with me. 

I just don't find much humor in watching people embarrass themselves, purposely or otherwise. 

I am looking forward to seeing all the good dancing that is sure to come in Vegas week.

Time to Lose the Weight Ms. Waite!

I have this thing with being accountable. I am FAR more likely to get something done if I have to account for my doing it to someone. That is part of why I shared that I wanted to do the labor thing without drugs. I figured I would be more likely to follow through if I had shared that with all of you. And it worked. 

I am taking the same approach to my desire to lose the baby weight and fit in my clothes again. So though weight can be a taboo subject for many, I am sharing my stats with the world. 

After my first 3 kids I never even had to try to lose the weight. Well the last 10 lbs. has been slow to go but it eventually went. After Camille it was a whole different story. I lost 10 lbs. giving birth and then the rest just stayed. 

Maybe it was the whole age factor? I don't know but the same thing seems to be going on now. I lost about 15 lbs. in giving birth to Noble and now I am just sitting around 150 lbs. Normally I like to be between 128 and 135. I started this pregnancy at 130 ish. So that means I have about 20 lbs to shed. 

One thing I have done in the past that has worked really well for me (actually this is as close to a real "diet" as I have ever done) is to write down each night everything I am going to eat the next day. That is the whole plan. I don't have "restrictions" on what I can or cannot eat. The only restriction is that I have to have written it down the day before.

Of course, I am trying in my writing it down the day before to be good and plan to eat healthy foods. I am after all trying to lose some weight right? But I am also very realistic. If there are cookies in the house, I write down 2 cookies. Then the next day I know I can have cookies but I usually wait till the end of the day to treat myself to them. 

The way this method works for me is that normally I would eat the cookies for breakfast lunch and dinner. :) Nobody PLANS to eat 15 cookies right? Well at least I don't. But by the end of that day it is totally possible that I will have eaten that many. So if I write it down I limit the number of cookies I eat. 

Also if I am craving something not on my list, I tell myself that I will write it down that night and eat it tomorrow. (Procrastination is a great tool for me in dieting.) The thing is that often by the time I get to writing my list that night I am no longer craving that thing so I often don't even write it down after all.

The other good thing about this plan for me is that it makes meals really easy. I never have to think "hmmm what should I eat?" I have all the meals planned the night before so I don't just grab the easiest closest snack instead of cooking. 

This writing things down really addresses most of my major issues so I hope it works this time too. I'll be weighing myself weekly. I will let you know how it goes. Feel free to join me if you like and let me know if it works for you. Oh there is my little guy wanting his "dessert" for the night. Off to go give him some of my calories!

My Daily Routine

Jenny asked about my daily routine -- she wanted to know what I do that makes me "me." I am not sure there is any correlation between these two things but I will use today's post to tell you about my "daily routine."

I am terrible at "routines." Really REALLY terrible. It is one of several reasons I shy away from home schooling. I think routines are important for kids. School is great at routines. But that is a different subject. 

There are a few things I do routinely everyday almost without fail: 

Pray - morning and night and over meals and as a family.

Put in and Take out my contacts - Gotta be able to see.

Brush teeth -- enough said.

Kiss, hug, and love my kids and tell them how much I love them and how wonderful they are.

I know. Short list. But those are the things I am REALLY faithful about doing EVERYDAY. There are more things that I do nearly everyday and I would consider them part of my routine even though there are times when I "fall off the wagon." Here are those:

Read scriptures as a family and personally.

Clean something.

Blog.

Practice Piano with Sabrina and Violin with Ann Marie.

Okay so it is also a short list. Like I said, routines are not my forte. As for a sneak peak in my daily life. Here was today.

Last night I was up till 11 p.m. working on getting Noble into a sound sleep so I could go to bed. I watched the basketball game with Jonathan and some other dumb show that I can't even remember now while rocking/burping/and nursing. 

After I laid him down, I got a fresh journal out and planned out my next day and wrote down everything I was going to allow myself to eat today. This is something I just started. It has helped me lose the baby weight before. More on that later maybe.

This morning I woke at 6 and got out of bed to nurse at 6:20. I woke up Sabrina just before 7 am. I got on my contacts and workout clothes. I prayed and read my own scriptures. I read scriptures to the girls, practiced piano with Sabrina and helped get her ready for school.

As soon as she was off I jumped on the treadmill to walk for a bit. Noble woke up 15 minutes into this so I left the working out to take care of him. After feeding/burping etc. I jumped quickly into the shower and then piled everyone in the car to go to violin lessons for Ann Marie. 

On our way home we stopped by Trader Joes and did some grocery shopping to buy healthy food. We got home and put the groceries away. Then I got Ann Marie ready to go to school. With her off to school I let the baby cry for a bit so I could get the dishes done. Then I was back on nursing/burping/holding duty. Meanwhile, Lauren was playing with a neighbor friend here at the house. 

I then took the friend home and picked up the kids from school and took mine to swim lessons. As soon as we got home we got them showered, I made dinner, did hair and got the kids dressed and we took off across town for Ann Marie's first violin recital. She did great. As soon as we got home I had the kids get in PJs and brush their teeth etc. and I put them to bed. 

The next 2 hours were filled with lots of baby rocking/nursing/burping etc. to get Noble to bed. At least I got to watch SYTYCD while I was soothing him. Now I have shut down the house and I am off to get myself ready for bed and plan out tomorrow. 

Full day today. But not every day is like this for me. Most days are much more chill.

I am beat. Goodnight for now.

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edited to add: No Tami -- My baby is NOT sleeping 11 - 6. I wish. I just didn't write about the 2-3 times he was up during that period to eat. You are not alone in your middle of the night stupor! I am right there with you!

A Good Hearty Laugh

Every once in a while we just need a good hearty laugh. I got one yesterday. It had been too long since I had laughed this hard and I really needed it. I have my little son Noble to thank for it. 

Noble is still in that sleepy newborn stage. He sleeps quite a bit. When he is awake he is either eating or working on getting bubbles out of his tummy one way or the other. He is not an easy baby to burp. Often it will take 30 minutes or so before we can get him to burp. Burping is important though because eventually the bubble will come out. If it comes up, it will bring anything fed to him after with it. 

So yesterday we traveled home from the cabin. There wasn't time to burp properly between feeding and putting him in the car and we certainly didn't stop long enough to burp him along the way. 

When we got home I fed him and gave him to Jon so I could make dinner for our family. Before I knew it he had thrown up all over Jon's shirt. :) Nice. So I took the baby (who was still spotless) and Jon went up to change his shirt. He came back a few minutes later with a nice new clean shirt on.

I gave Noble back to him this time with a cloth to cover his shirt and went back to getting dinner ready. Not 10 minutes later I hear Jon saying "Oh NO!" Yep. Noble had thrown up again all over his shirt. Apparently he turned his head away from and off the cloth just in time to get his dad's shirt again. :)

So I took the baby back again and Jon went up to get now his third shirt of the day on. When he got back I gave him the baby and finished dinner. We ate quickly and sat down to watch a movie together. Noble was now fast asleep on Jon's chest and it had been about 30 minutes since he last threw up. 

Suddenly Jon got up and pulled the baby off his chest a little. Apparently he had felt a damp warmth on his chest. :) "AW MAN!" He said. This time Noble had somehow managed to pee on his dad's nice clean shirt without getting his onesie wet at all. 

As Jon went upstairs to change into his fourth shirt in an hour I found myself in a fit of laughter and called up to him as he ascended the stairs, "That's YOUR Son Jonathan! That's YOUR BOY!"

Jon took a photo to document the occasion.

Holding Back the River

Some days holding back the tears feels like it is as difficult as holding back the river from flowing. One leak and the damn breaks and I wonder if there will ever be an end to the tears that flow without permission. 

I don't know why some days are just harder than others. I don't know what brings the sorrow and grief pressure to the point of tearing open the hole in my heart. It just is the nature of the beast. But like the river that right now is raging angrily down the mountain at the brink of overflowing, in time the waters will recede and the peaceful happy stream will return. 

But for now the river rages and my mind is turned to the past. We have made a tradition of coming up to the cabin for Memorial Day. 

Two Years Ago

Last year we made an exception to go to Disneyland for Sabrina's birthday. We left Camille home with Grandma and Nana. I am glad she got some time with these wonderful women alone before she had to leave us. 

I remember dropping her off with Grandma Waite. Grandma hadn't had much alone time with her. Camille was just barely starting to understand us when we asked her things and still did not talk at all. I turned to her and asked "Are you ready to go visit Grandma?" It was meant as a rhetorical question. But Camille gave an emphatic nod of her head to say "Yes!"

That simple gesture gives me comfort now. I feel she knew what I was asking and was excited to spend time with her grandparents.

One Year Ago

Playing at Nana and Grandpa's house.

Missing my girl this weekend. Missing my girl. Let the rains fall. Let the river rage. The Sun still shines behind the heavy dark gray clouds. It will return in time. But for today, Let the rains fall. Let the river rage.

Dance Review

Seeing as so many of you share my passion for "Dance" and you do not live close enough to come to the parties I will be hosting. I am going to make the day after the performance show a review post. Sorry to those who don't watch the show or don't care about it.

I actually was travelling last night so I had to wait till this morning to watch the first show. So after a sleep deprived night and after my first big nap of the day, I turned on some "Dance" to wake me up enough to be a responsible mom.

New York is always good for big talent. It did not disappoint. I loved the very first audition they showed. I could not believe that girl suffered from RA. She was amazing. Performance wise I think she might have been my favorite. She stood out from the crowd for me.

I loved that Natalie (Katee's friend) and the other guy that made Mary cry were back and that they both made it though. I have high hopes for them.

I was disappointed by the lack or really cool hip hop dancers. Seemed there were more amazing contemporary dancers last night. There were also few good ballroom auditions. I loved the one with the eternal pot spin but was sad that the girl didn't make it past choreography.

I will defintitely be watching this show again when I get home on my HDtv. :) I was thrilled with all the great little dance clips they collaged together and hope to see more of those great auditions in the coming weeks.

I wish FOX would post on the internet more of the auditions so we could watch them. Anyone out there work for FOX???

What did you think of the show and who were your favorites from this round of auditions?

It is that Time Again

Okay, I have held off writing about this because I am a little embarrassed about how excited I get for something so inconsequential but... yes tonight is the first night back for my favorite TV show "So You Think You Can Dance." 

Once the show gets to the top dancers and they start competing I will be hosting parties weekly for anyone who loves dances and wants to come hang out to watch with me. But I hope there are some good moves to enjoy during these initial audition shows too. Looking forward to it tonight!

Living in the Round

Morgan Noble Waite

7 days old

taken by Lesli Streets

I am back to living in the continual round of diaper changing, feeding, burping, feeding, diaper changing again, burping again, sleeping some only to be awoken by a cry to feed again. It is a world unto itself. I call it the newborn cocoon. You lose all track of time and days all seem to run together. It is a tiring time. It is an emotional time with hormones on top of tiredness. But this more than most, it has been a sweet and precious time.

I have been treasuring the gift I have been given in being able to mother this healthy little son. Each child is a treasure and every day we have them a gift to us from their Maker. I am hyper aware of this reality now. 

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

The Lord gave to me, and gave to me, and gave to me, and then he gave again. Then he took from me and now he gives once more. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

There are moments, in the quiet sleepy hours, when I am beset with sorrow and missing for the daughter who would have been ...

But mostly there is peace. Peace in the sleeping face of the son who would not yet be but for the loss. Peace in knowing how much good has come from our sorrow. Peace in knowing all is well and right as it is.

It is a sweet and tender time in this newborn cocoon. Heaven's breath still on his lips, all the rest of us mourners suck it in quenching our thirst for the sweetness of his newborn perfection.