Monday, January 23, 2012

Walking Down Memory Lane

I am speaking at a women's conference across town this Saturday. I will be doing a 40 minute workshop on the positive use of social media. 40 minutes is a long time. Since I will not be going into the technical "how to" part of the subject, I have been looking to fill out the "inspire people to want to use social media in a positive way" side of my own experience.

In so doing I have been reading many of my old posts. I also decided to look for some of the comments that illustrated how this blog has impacted others. 11556 Comments. That is how many total comments I have been looking over. That is the total for the entire 3 years and 9 months I have had this blog going. I have previously read every one of them. But as I have reread some, I have come to realize how hazy my mind was in the early days of my grief.

There are comments from people I didn't remember commenting. I didn't know they knew or I guess I just didn't remember they knew. I have been struck once again by how far reaching a story like mine can travel. It runs down cracks and reaches old forgotten loved ones and new and undiscovered friends.

Raw grief has a way of changing relationships. It destroys some. It creates some. And many it just fundamentally shifts. It has been interesting reading back and seeing some of the early comments from people I didn't not know before all this and who are now some of my closest friends.

Doing all this reading has left tracks of tears down my cheeks as I remember just what was lost on June 13, 2008 and also what I have lost since then. I knew it would happen. I knew that ... "heaven in my home" feeling would not always be so tangible. I knew the day would come when I would get mad at my kids again. But I didn't want it to.

Reading my old posts and many of the comments makes me want to recapture that. I mean, I still do have a greater appreciation for my children than I did before. I absolutely do love and cherish them even when they are naughty or I am having to do one of the dirty jobs of motherhood (diapers, vomit, nasal treasures). It isn't like it was before. But it also isn't the "heaven is right here" feeling I had in the weeks of my raw grief.

I want that back, minus all the searing pain that accompanied it. But then I guess that is one of the main benefits for me personally of having this blog. I can read back and remember. As I do, I can feel it again. And I can recommit to keep it here, now.


Ashley Sullenger said...

You'll do a great job! And this blog/internet thing is crazy when you really think what you and Camille have been able to accomplish together. Simply amazing.

The Gray Family said...

Good luck at the conference I know you will do great! And ASIDE from all the people who have been touched by the words you have written on this blog, I am so glad that you have it for YOU. It's amazing how many of life's details fade from memory, and I'm glad that you have this to look back on and remember all the happy moments (and the not-so-happy as well). I don't post nearly as faithfully as you (nor have I been through a fraction of the stuff you have been through) but I do enjoy looking back.