Thursday, January 26, 2012

Public Crying

So I have been preparing for this workshop I am giving on Saturday. In it I am going to try to read one of my old posts ... out loud. It is the "Inside the Heart" post. It isn't one of my saddest posts. It just illustrates something I want to point out really well. The problem is the whole public sobbing thing.

I still can't read most of my old posts or many of the comments any of you left in those early days without the flood of all that emotion rushing right over me. I can talk about Camille without crying--just not for very long or too in-depth.

I have never heard Stephanie Nielson speak. Have any of you? I mean I guess I have seen her on TV speak but not in person. She seems to hold it together pretty well when she talks about her plane crash and subsequent trials. I am not sure I will be able to do that.

I know I totally lost it the last time I spoke publicly about Camille. I had to stop speaking for what seemed like a full minute or two. I don't mind having emotion in my voice but I really prefer not to get to that level of emotion where my voice goes all high and squeaking and it is difficult to understand what I am saying. You know?

You know the funny thing is that I feel like I did better at the funeral than I do now. Maybe it is because back then I was crying about it all the time so it was a more even flow. Now when I talk about Camille, it is usually after a long time of not having talked about her and the emotion has been storing up in there somewhere.

I am always a little nervous to touch on a subject related to Camille in a public setting. The lessons in church when I bring her up are a little more nerve racking than normal. But those I know will be short points or brief comments in a larger otherwise less emotional subject.

By contrast, this workshop on Saturday, talking about blogging - well my world of blogging is pretty inseparably intertwined with my baby girl. She is the driving force of why I have blogged so faithfully and why anyone outside my family reads my blog.

I just hope I am able to hold it together for most of the two 40 minute workshops I present. Is that too much to ask?


Lindsee said...

Hi Stephanie! I found your blog through a friends blog almost a year ago. I have never commented but I read often. I admire your honesty and faith. I so enjoy your posts and draw strength from your example. Thank you for blogging and sharing bits of your life. Your posts often help remind me what a blessing my two little boys are....even when they're naughty:) Motherhood is a great joy. I wish you the best of luck on Saturday. They're lucky to have you come and speak. And no, "holding it together" is not too much to ask, though I can understand the difficulty. You're amazing and a great inspiration! Here's to dry eyes!:)
-Lindsee H

chanel said...

um, you won't be alone with tears in your eyes, if they come.
and you are WAY MORE inspiring that Stephanie Neilson, so DO NOT compare, PA-LEASE!

Sue said...

My advice is to just let the tears come and keep talking. It seems like it goes worse for me when I try to hold them back. And there's nothing wrong with good, honest emotion.

JMHO. of course.


kathleen said...

Why would you not want to cry in public. That says to me that you are authentic and real. Tears are not a barometer of strength. The ability to continue on in the face of grief and fear are the true measure of strength.

Anonymous said...

Stephanie~ You are my hero! I read your blog everyday and have since the fall. I somehow heard about Camille and started reading from your first post about her. I am so amazed at how strong you are. There is no doubt in my mind that GOD had this in his plans for you. Why? Because you have unknowingly reached out to so many people about grief and hope and faith. I am inspired by you! Yesterday, my 5 yr. old son had a major meltdown....screaming and crying and kicking me. I could no longer take it until I thought about you and sweet Camille. I calmed him down and thought "This is only temporary, what if I didn't have him? What would I do without my sweet son? You have made me a better mother through your honest words. I only have three and they are all boys! I am sure that if you cry everyone will understand. I wouldn't worry about it. You are so brave! I am honored to have found your Blog!

Jill said...

I was able to hear Stephanie Neilson at Time out for women in November. She was great and she cried!! Don't worry! It makes you human. If you didn't cry...well it just doesn't seem right. :)

Diana...aka...MeMe said...

You are an inspiration to many and you will be one at your presentation~ Tears and smiles~ let them both go. You have shared so much with all of us and everyone can understand the tears such an emotional speech would bring. I am so proud of the way you have "carried on", and I know, like you do, that a certain angel will be right there at the podium with you~

Anonymous said...

I have a hard time not crying in public when I don't want to. I feel like I am far too upset at funerals, even services for people that I barely knew.

I have never know pain like the pain that you feel, but someone once told me to imagine the mechanics of making a PB&J sandwich when you feel the tears coming. The actual play by play of that in your head; getting the plate, unscrewing the cap of the peanut butter jar, etc. It sounds RIDICULOUS but it really works. Well at least for me. Best of luck to you!

Melissa said...

I am sure you will do an excellent job. Only you can tell others about your experiences with the right spirit. I understand about the crying, it makes it hard to speak when you are so upset, I get the same way (although I have never lost a child) I honestly would not worry too much about it, everyone there is there to hear your story and to SUPPORT you. Your tears (or sobs) will be understood. Good luck, I wish I could go listen to you speak!

Sarah s. said...

Don't worry steph- let the spirit move you! Camille will be with you, helping you get through it. It is important that you share your story.

Jeanna said...

I'm sure I'm not alone when I say... we'll all be praying for you not to go all high and squeaky as you say. We'll all be pulling for you and if you prepare and even practice a bit that may make keeping it together more managable.

Anonymous said...

This is along the lines of the PB&J Sandwich mentioned above but if you think of a simple math problem in your head then your left brain takes over and it shuts down the right brain making you forget the emotion that you are feeling right then. Try it. It has worked for me.