Random Post

After my 3 hour nap yesterday, I ended up crawling into bed at around 7 p.m. I slept till 9, got up for an hour and headed back to bed till 8 this morning. All that sleep has really helped and I feel much more alive today. I can tell I still have a bit of a head cold but at least I have some energy and the nausea is gone.

I just got off the phone with a friend whose neighbor had a 2 year old child drown a couple days ago. She wanted my advice on how she could help or what she could do. My heart aches for this unknown family having to face this at Christmas of all times. I will be praying for them.

We have school off today for Parent Student Teacher Conferences. Going to all 3 conferences in a row this morning just highlighted to me how different each of my children are and how much work it is to figure out how to parent each of them according to their specific needs. Each kid has some totally different area to work on. Their personalities are just so different.

And then there is Noble, waking up from his nap right now. Guess I better log off as I am back on duty.

My Fairy Godmother

Today has been a rough day. I don't know why but this pregnancy just is kicking my bootie. I was up last night nauseous again. What is the deal with that? Not sure. But it sapped my energy today. I have been dragging all day. But I had stuff to do so... you know. I drug myself out of bed and did my chores.

The grocery store was my first stop. Then home to make soup for my families tonight. I made cream of broccoli. It was a soup day for me for sure.  Mid day I called my mom to see if she could pick up some bread bowls for me. She said she would be out in few hours to bring them to me. Just then my soup boiled over making a huge mess of my cooktop. Oh and the phone rang.

I was dead on my feet by this point so I turned off the stove and headed up to take a nap while Noble napped. I woke up 3 hours later to find my mother in my newly cleaned kitchen with my kids. I felt like Cinderella.

I love my mother. She is the best. I am so grateful to have her close and for all the help she gives me. Mothers truly are the best invention ever.

Remembering

People often ask me if I think of Camille every day still. The answer is YES. I think of her every. single. day. And more than once a day too. I think of her every time I see the plants in our home that were given to us by people at her funeral. I think of her as I see photos of her and places she used to love to be in our home. I remember her everyday.

I remember her daily not always with sorrow. Most of the time my thoughts of her are loving and tender but not sad and filled with negative or unhelpful emotions like regret and wishing things were different. It just is what it is and she still IS and so I remember her. I remember her as I try to make choices to keep the Spirit in our home so she will feel welcome here. I remember her as I make tough choices that will help me grow closer to Christ and thus closer to being where she is.

I have had remembering on my mind a bit lately as I have friends struggling with their extended family not "remembering" their deceased child at important times. This is a hard thing. It is hard to have the world and even your family not remember your child who still IS bur just can't be seen.

It isn't that they necessarily forget your child. But not forgetting and remembering are different. You can not forget and simple not think of someone. It is natural. It happens to all of us. We move away from friends and then people we used to think about everyday are no longer a part of our daily lives. We don't forget them. We simply don't think of them everyday anymore.

And it is natural that this happens when people we know die, I suppose. That is how I am with my grandparents. I even think of them still often. But not daily. Not like Camille. When someone you are that close to dies, it is different. You remember them every single day. And it is hard to see others not remember when you remember her so well.

Last night as I was praying, I told the Lord that I remember His Son.  Then I thought about that. How well do I remember Him?  How close am I to Him? Do I really remember Him everyday? It gave me a good perspective on how my Father must want ME to remember His Son. I vowed to do better at really remembering Him. I vowed to cut through the noise of the world and the fun of the season and really REMEMBER Him and what He did for me - who He is to me - what He can teach me still.

Maybe if I work harder to really remember Him, it will be easier to become more like Him. And if nothing else I can say with a fully honest heart in my prayers to the Father that I Do Remember Him every. single. day.

Lost and Found

Today I went looking for some little prizes I had left over from one of our block parties. I needed them to create a little gift for a Secret Santa family. I knew they were in the closet under our stairs. I had seen them when I cleaned it out just a few weeks ago.

I didn't find them. I hate losing things. Some things I lose are no big deal - like these little prizes. They are just an annoyance. Other things we lose are kind of a bigger deal but with enough money they can be replaced - like Jon's keys to our car. Then there are some losses that can never be replaced and they just eat at you over the years.

As I was searching for those prizes I looked in a storage container with some odds and ends in it. Inside I found what I would like to think of as Camille's birthday/Christmas present to me, to Jon, and to our little family. I saw a mini DV tape with the title "Camille's birth" on it. I have been missing it since we moved into this house almost 3 years ago.

After she died I searched high and low for it. I knew it existed because I had written about it in my journaling of her birth. But for all my grief stricken searching I couldn't find it. How many times since then have I seen a mini DV tape and wondered where THAT tape was?

I called the girls together and plugged the tape in to the machine to play it on the TV. It is an hour long of her first 8 months on this earth. It has her first and only Christmas. It has lots of time with Jon just taping her newborn noises and her learning to roll. It also has adorable footage of the older girls. It has Lauren's 2nd birthday and Sabrina's kindergarten graduation and first piano recital. It has Annie at just barely 4 years old welcoming her baby sister Camille into the world, being the first to hold her hand and stroke her head.

She was so beautiful and perfect. One of the first scenes after her birth was of me holding her and dressing her at 2 weeks old. It was just me and her and Jon taping. I told of how everywhere we went everyone wanted to hold her. Now I know people love newborns and want to hold them. But this was different. Everywhere she went with me people ... strangers ... asked me if they could hold her - my 2 week old.  And I let them. She loved people. She was so happy to be out and about with other people to look at and explore.

In the tape I said, "our beautiful little Camille. She is our family's ambassador to the world." How prophetic this statement turned out to be. And she still is. I am overcome ... with joy at finding this tape ... with sorrow missing her ... with gratitude for this most precious "gift" of a find. I am simply undone.

'Tis the Season

I have spent the week coughing. I have spent the nights trying to breathe through my asthma. Sabrina was sent home sick from school on Friday. She has a fever and cough. This morning Annie had a fever. We girls are staying home from church and trying to find our own bit of spirituality at home today -- between naps and coughs and medicine.

I guess it is the season and this is what happens. I have been thinking that if I am not significantly better by tomorrow that maybe I will go see a doctor. Then I realized I haven't been to a doctor other than my OBGYN since I moved to Vegas. That is about 4 years. Sure I have been sick with colds, a stomach bug here and there, and pregnancy related things but it has been a long time since I have been really sick. What a blessing.

And knowing how many people out there in the world are suffering daily from illnesses and chronic pain I will certainly not complain about my cough and asthma. I have come to see more clearly in the past couple years that suffering is all relative. It is all real. But in the grand scheme, it is also all relative.

Merry Christmas!

I will be picking up my Christmas Card tomorrow and working on getting them out this week. Here is a view for all you who faithfully follow!

A great big thanks to Whitney Bennett who helped bring my idea for our Christmas card to life again this year. If you are interested in having her design a card for you or using one of her preset designs, shoot her an email at whitbennett@gmail.com. Custom cards run $20 and preset designs are only $10.

Gratitude Day 30

I am grateful for giving. 

I am grateful that we all get to give of ourselves during this Christmas season. 

I am so very grateful for all that the readers of this blog give to me everyday. Even if you just read and have never made a comment. I still feel the support from you. I thank you. I am grateful for you.

I am grateful for all the prayers that have been said in behalf of my family over the years. 

I am grateful for the help or at least understanding I have been able to offer other families who have had to enter this journey of grief. 

I am grateful for all the gifts and service that has been done for our family.

I am grateful for Christine Dallimore who made and sent me this adorable "Camille Doll" this summer. She has been loved and cared for by Camille's mother and sisters. She even sent a couple of alternate outfits. This Christmas she has taken a place of honor in our home.

 We never had found an angel for the top of our tree that we liked. This Camille doll is perfect. She is our own little angel sitting at the top of our family tree. Thank you Christine. We love the role she fills on our tree and how it reminds us of the role she continues to play in our lives. 

Most of all I am grateful for the God's gift of His Son to the earth. It is through this greatest of all gifts that all mankind is blessed and given hope for better things to come.

I am grateful for giving.

Gratitude Day 29

I am grateful that I am not alone.

Last night I was up quite often. I have a bit of a cough that gets bad only at night right now. But it had me up in the night last night several times coughing, drinking, peeing, and taking my inhaler so I could breathe.

Around 4 a.m. I was up yet again. I was having a hard time falling back asleep with all my coughing. Now it isn't like I was on death's doorstep. I wasn't so miserable that I was praying for relief. I was just up. And of course when I am up I am thinking. And as I was laying there thinking, I realized something. I realized I was not alone - and I don't mean that Jon was in the bed with me. I mean he was but someone was with me awake and aware with me.

It is hard to describe how this realization came. It wasn't a vision or some major spiritual event. It was more like when you know something is bothering you but you can't put a finger on what and suddenly you realize it is that you are hot or hungry and you have been to busy to notice. Well it was like that. I just felt ... not alone ... watched over.

I did not feel any impression of who it was and really it doesn't matter. I was just grateful that even in our small troubles the Lord sends someone to stand by us and watch over us. I wish I could "realize" or recognize this every time it happens. I am sure it happens so much more than any of us know.

I was grateful to be able to "feel" it and recognize it last night. No matter where we are or what is going on around us, we are not alone. We are being watched over. We have a heavenly cheering section helping us through hard things and encouraging us to make the right choices everyday. Oh that we may follow their sway more and listen less to the temptations of the adversary.

I am so grateful that the Lord sees fit to not leave us alone.

Gratitude Day 28

Today I am grateful for the pitter patter of little feet in my home. Every time I hear the fast soft rushing of Noble's little feet against our tile floors I smile in gratitude. I am so grateful to have a little someone rushing around discovering the world one tiny step at a time. The sound of his running little feet reminds me of how blessed I am to have a tiny little one in my life again.

Gratitude Day 27

I am thankful I wasn't up all night throwing up like my brother and his wife. I am grateful for our safe journey home. I am thankful to have a bed to sleep in. I am really really thankful for my own bed.

Gratitude Day 26

Today I am grateful for time with family. Last night we all sat around the fire talking after we put the kids to bed. We are with my parents and my brother Stephen and his wife Rachel who live in Texas. My parents asked about how Jon and I ever got together. I guess they had never heard the story.

So I told the long story. It was fun to share it with them. Then we all talked about family and memories. It was a rare treat to hear my dad, sitting in his dad's overalls, telling stories of memories growing up and what his home life was like.

It was so different from the life I have known. Farm life in the 40's was apparently all work and no play or talk or anything else. We also got to hear more about my dad's life after he left home to go to school and how he decided to go to law school because a buddy was doing it and he didn't want to go into the army yet.

I will have to sit down and write down all the stories he told us last night. It is a rare thing to get my dad talking like that about his family life and days as a single. Today skiiing is on the agenda. I wish I could go. But I don't think it is the wisest idea being pregnant and I am not sure I could find any bibs that would fit me. Still I hope my kids enjoy their time on the slopes. I have great family memories of skiing. I hope my kids will have many years of developing these same kind of memories with their cousins for years to come.

Gratitude Day 25

I am grateful to have a holiday where we focus on being grateful. Doing this 30 days of gratitude challenge has really altered the way I think and made me focus on my blessings more than any other year. I think doing a whole month is a super way to ease into the Christmas season.

I am excited for the meal today. I love Thanksgiving meal more than any other. Can't wait to enjoy it later today.

Gratitude Day 24

Today I am grateful for clear roads and snow plows. They make traveling to see family so much more safe. I am grateful for our safety in driving up to the cabin see my brother and his family who drove up from Texas with their 4 kiddos to spend Thanksgiving with us. We don't get to see them very often so I am especially grateful for clear roads that facilitated our trip.

Gratitude Day 23

Today I am grateful for my K-Tec Mixer. With its "Auto Knead" button, it makes bread and roll making easy. It automatically turns off when the gluten level is properly kneaded. I love homemade bread and this machine makes it as easy to make as making cookies.

Today I made bread for a few of my visiting teaching people who have been sick and a couple in our ward who were in a bad car accident. Tomorrow I will be making the dough for our family Thanksgiving rolls. All this would have taken so much more time and muscle without modern devices like my K-Tec mixer.

I am so grateful to be born in this modern age. And today I am thankful for my K-Tec Mixer.

Gratitude Day 22

Today I am grateful for good, honest people - and one such person in particular.

Saturday morning I piled the 4 kids into the car and took them out Christmas shopping. Toys'Rus was our first stop. After we all had looked at all the toys, I left two kids in an aisle close by to look at toys and took Noble and the other child to go pick out presents for the two in the aisle. Then I covered up the choices with my coat and went to get the next girl.

This worked well and everyone got their presents for their siblings in no time. Then I sent the three oldest girls around the corner toward the exit while I paid. Next stop was the mall to buy pajamas for the cousins they were assigned this year. I realized when we got to the mall that I didn't bring a stroller. Hmmm. Not great but whatever.

I took the kids into Macy's. We went upstairs to the kids section and found great PJs for 3 of the 4 cousins. Each kid picked out a pair for the cousin assigned to them. I paid and we headed downstairs. I decided to get Jon's birthday present while we were there so we headed back upstairs to the men's department to get it. This is where things started to get a bit hairy. The kids were about "done" shopping and Noble was tired and cranky. I was carrying everyone's jackets and our package and Noble on and off.

I found what we wanted and went to the checkout where I waited till the clerk was ready for me. All the while attempting to keep my children in the store and out of the middle of the clothes racks. Oh and playing referee with siblings mad at each other about who got to hold Noble or hold his hand. It was a bit crazy to say the least. Finally we got to check out. I grabbed our package and took off. We were late for a birthday party.

I had to run to Jon's store across the street and swap cars with him and give Noble to him and grab out the bags with the birthday presents and his present and transfer them to his car. Finally, we girls headed to the birthday party.

The next day I asked Jon to bring the other packages in from the car so we could wrap some things. That night I went to look for the pajamas I bought for the cousins. I couldn't find them. I looked in the closet where Jon had put the other packages. Nothing. I search both cars. Nothing. Then it hit me. I bet I left them at Macy's in the men's department.

I slept fretfully last night wondering what happened and upset that I probably left the bag there. I couldn't even go back and rebuy them. Two of the PJs were the last ones in the necessary sizes. I was bummed. It seems this kind of thing happens to me every Christmas. Something either gets lost in the mail or I forget something and when I go back it is gone.

So this morning I went to look at Macy's for the bag. It was not in the mens department. I went to look in the children's department. No luck. And they still didn't have the same PJs to rebuy in the right size. I grabbed a worker and asked her where such a lost item might be. She said she would check the lost and found for me.

About 10 minutes I could see her coming back. "Well, here she comes to tell me how sorry she is," I thought. Then as she got closer I saw her raise her arm up and in her hand there was a Macy's bag. I was shocked. I mean really stunned and so happy.

So today I am ultra grateful for the honest person who saw that bag and instead of just walking out of the store with it, turned it in to the lost and found. Thank you whoever you are. You just renewed my faith in good strangers doing the honest thing at Christmas time. May we ALL be so honest in our dealings with our fellow men, strangers or not.

Gratitude Day 21

Today I am grateful for my in-laws. It is my mother-in-law's birthday today. She is a wonderful woman whom I greatly admire. She has so many talents and abilities and such a pure heart and valiant, faith-filled spirit. I feel incredibly lucky to have her as a mother-in-law.

I know so many of my friends who don't really like their in-laws. It is not common to find someone who really genuinely LOVES their in-laws. And if you have never met anyone who does, you can count me as the first.

And that is really saying something when you have as many in-laws as I do. I mean, I have LOTS of in-laws. I have 4 siblings who are all married. I truly love each of my siblings spouses. My siblings chose their mates very well and I am so thankful that.

Then there is Jonathan's family. I already told you that I love my mother-in-law. My father-in-law is pretty great too. I love to see the example he is of a loving husband and father and grandfather. He has a sweet relationship with his wife that I hope Jon and I can emulate.

Now Jonathan has 8 siblings. Yes 8. And I love all of them. I mean I think each of them is so great. I love to hang out with them. They are all great people. Seven of those 8 are married. And I love every one of those 7 mates as well. They are all good people I enjoy hanging out with.

How many people can say that with such a big family. I even adore all my nieces and nephews (there are 35 almost 36 of those.) I know that it is a rare thing to truly enjoy every one of your in-laws. I am so grateful to have married into such a great family and for the wise choices each of my siblings and in-laws have made in their marriage choices. I am grateful for the love and support I feel for and from all of this extended family.

Gratitude Day 20

Today I am grateful for TUMS. I am finally past the nausea part of pregnancy. That ended sometime in the middle of my 19th week. Geez that was a long one for me. Now the heartburn has begun. So I am grateful for TUMS which helps keep it at bay.

I am grateful to feel the gentle nudging of this little Snickerdoodle in my belly. It is reassuring and miraculous every time to me. I am in the middle of my 21st week and all is going well. I am trying to master my self control when I am tired and uncomfortable. I am afraid I get rather snippy when those two are combined. I am working really hard to correct that.

I went to Stake Conference last night and the visiting general authority taught us that every time we are tempted we are first warned by the Spirit. He told us when we feel tempted to stop and take a step or two back and look for where the warning was. He said this would help us better recognize the promptings and warnings of the Spirit so we could more easily avoid temptations.

I am going to experiment with that. It would be wonderful to be more in tune with the Spirit and be better able to avoid temptation.

I guess I am grateful for his talk too. It is always wonderful to hear something new or some new way to look at something or see something. This concept or idea was new to me.

Gratitude Day 19

Today I am grateful for the Lord's ultimate patience with me and His abounding mercy. One of my little girls made a goal to make her present to Camille this year that she would not "hit back" when someone hit her. Basically she was making it a goal not to lose her temper. A few of us in this family have tempers.

About two days later she had broken her goal. I told her I was disappointed in her. She looked up at me and in anguish said, "I know Mom but it is SO hard! I said I would try but it is really hard!" And so it is. I told her that she is right. But that is why she needed to feel sorrow for her mistake and repent so she wouldn't want to make the same mistake again.

We all have that thing that is just so hard for us. You know that little habit or flaw we all want so much to fix or eliminate. I certainly have mine. As this child said this to me I thought of my own failings that I seem to promise each night in my prayers that I will try harder to do better at tomorrow. Sometimes it seems these little things are the hardest things of all.

Pregnancy and the physical discomforts that accompany it only make these weaknesses of mine more difficult to control. So tonight I am grateful for the Mercy of the Savior and His patience with me as I daily try to overcome my own weaknesses and strive to become more like Him.

Gratitude Day 18

Today I am grateful for my mother. It isn't her birthday. She isn't even close to 74 :). But I am grateful for her today and everyday anyway.

My mother has been my north star. She has been the guiding force in my life to help me know right and wrong, polite and rude, appropriate or inappropriate. She has been the example to me of how to be a righteous woman and raise righteous children. She has helped me navigate dangerous waters of my youth with a firm and loving hand.

I never had a question about where my mother stood on any moral issue or church standard. And my dad was firmly with her in every case. They stood together. But it was my mother who taught the standards to me. I am so grateful to her for that sense of right and duty and love that she instilled in me. It has been an anchor to my soul as an adult.

I am so grateful for my mother and I feel honored to have been born to such a valiant, obedient, and loving woman.

Gratitude Day 17

Today I am grateful for my father. It is his birthday today. He is 74. I am so grateful to have been born to his home and been raised under his watchful and terribly wise eye. My father has an uncanny amount of street smarts. And he isn't too bad in the book smarts area either. Plus he loves to learn and growing up on a farm, serving in the military, and becoming an attorney; he learned about nearly every thing.

As a kid I really thought he did know everything. Or at least if he didn't know it, he knew somebody really well who did. And he did. Now he is a little behind in some of the technology out there. But he still manages to find people who know the things he doesn't and make friends of them.

I am grateful to him for living a worthy life, for loving my mother, and for always putting his family first. He has taught me by example about the relationship we each have with our Heavenly Father. He has been a steady anchor in my stormy times of life. He has helped me see my way when I have felt lost.

I am grateful for my father.