Noble is 3!

Last week we celebrated Noble's third birthday. There was cake and ice cream and an abundance of construction trucks. He even got a fireman outfit complete with water soaker backpack. It was fun and he enjoyed all the presents.

I can't believe my little guy is already three. We have been potty training and it has been so much easier than I had feared. I really had been dreading this next step. But Noble has been cooperative and is able to do most of the necessary steps by himself.

Noble is just a little sweet joy of a boy right now. This whole "raising a boy" thing still feels new to me and I am not sure what each new age and stage has in store for me. It seems I am on the road to explore and discover new emotions in myself with this adventure at every new age. It is a little scary diving into the unknown but for now I am welcoming this age and stage with open arms that are readily filled by a loving little toe head.

Cheesecake Filled Strawberries

I am still recuperating. The Dr. gave me 3 prescriptions and they are helping but I am still hunkered down at home today. Now I have 3 sick kids to boot. :) So we are all home from church since Jon is taking care of us all.

I had planned to share a treat with you all for sometime and now seems as good a day as any to blog about it. The other day my friend Emily brought me a delicious treat with dinner she made my family. (Emily is a member of my dinner group and brings my family dinner every Thursday. I take dinner to her every Tuesday.)

They were Cheesecake filled Strawberries and they were divine. I made a bunch for a family gathering later and they were gone in minutes. Here is how you make them.

First gather ingredients for the filling:

1 box of cream cheese softened
1t vanilla
1/2 cup powdered sugar
1/3 package of cheesecake flavored Jello
(this time I also added lime zest and lime juice to make it more tropical)

Whip up all the filling ingredients and taste to make sure it is sweet enough for your taste. Filling can be doubled or tripled depending on how many strawberries you have to fill. This much should fill about 2 lbs. of berries.

Next hull out the centers of your strawberries and cut off the tips to make a flat bottom for them to stand up nicely.

Put the filling in a pastry bag (or ziplock with tip cup off.)

Then fill the centers of the berries.

Lastly, dust the tops with graham cracker crumbs.

Put them in front of people then stand back and watch them disappear! Enjoy!

BEAM!!!

The other day I was sitting in our front room with Harrison. The front door was open and Noble was just outside it. I can't remember whether someone had just come to the door or why Noble was outside. But I knew he was fine. He was just walking around in the plants out front. Then I heard him yelling, "BEAM!" A few seconds later ... "BEAM!!!"

Over and over he went around the yard yelling "BEAM!" Finally I called him back inside and asked what he was doing. "Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam! I am beaming."

For those who aren't LDS, there is a LDS children's song called Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam. It is often sung with great emphasis on the BEAM part of the word in the song. The lyrics are as follows:
Jesus want me for a Sun BEAM
To shine for him each day.
In every way try to please him
At home at school at play.
A SunBEAM
A SunBEAM
Jesus wants me for a SunBEAM
A Sun Beam A Sun Beam
I'll be a Sun Beam for Him.

I love my little Sun Beam!

Some Days Are Rougher Than Others

Today I had a normal crummy day. No grief. No wave hitting me. No. Today I had a rough day but it had nothing to do with the worst day of my life. And the grief didn't even play an accentuating role. That may be a milestone. I am not sure.

I have been fighting a sickness and I think I have lost. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see what is going on with me. I hate being sick. I haven't been able to sleep well because I have been up in the night coughing and feverish and hurting in other various ways. It has been a few days now so today I was a bit sleep deprived. That is never a good start.

Then I missed my nap opportunity because the baby had to nap early. Just before I put Noble down to nap I got a call from the school saying Sabrina was sick. I went to go get in the car to go get her and the garage door wouldn't open. I called a friend and together we could not lift it. My friend let me use her car and watched my kids while I went to pick up Sabrina.

I got a repair guy to come fix the garage door. He asked me to pull the car out after he got the door up. I couldn't find the keys ... anywhere ... to the rental car I have been driving and am turning back in tomorrow when my van is fixed. I think this was the low part of the day. How was I going to turn my rental in without keys???

After searching while the repair guy waited (for like 30 minutes). Sabrina and I said a prayer. I went over to my friends house and found the keys in the passenger seat of her car that I borrowed. Sabrina and I said a HUGE thank you prayer for that one.

Noble didn't nap well so he was ... busy. He gets a little crazy when he is tired and he was very tired. Finally Jon got home and I went and got in the bath only to find we were out of hot water. I had Jon boil water on the stove to add to my bath so I could get warm. Noble wanted to get in with me but I wouldn't let him so instead he sat on the rim with his feet in the water.

When he got up to leave he fell ... on my head which was pounding with sinus pressure. Not so fun.

Still even in this pretty bad day where I felt like crying at least 3 times, I find joy in my children. It is really hard to care for little ones when you don't feel well. Motherhood is hard work. Sometimes I think, someday they will be all in school and I will be able to do something and get something done!

Then I immediately think, someday very soon I will no longer have anyone who crawls in my home. Someday soon I will not hear nonsense baby talk anymore. Someday soon I will not be the center of their universe. Someday those baby faces will mature, the baby teeth will fall out, the baby hair will be replaced.

So I soak in today .. even the "bad" days. Because someday these hardships will be gone but they will take with them all the unique joys that are mine today.

Chocolate Covered

You have heard of chocolate covered berries and chocolate covered bananas. Those are tasty. But have you ever tried chocolate covered baby???

Noble and Harrison found some extra chocolate ganache I had left over from a cake I made. I am not sure if Harrison was eating it and rubbed his eyes and face or if Noble decided to paint him. But whatever the case, I ended up with chocolate covered Harrison. He was very tasty.

Kindness Continued

The other night after I wrote my post I went upstairs to bed. As I passed the loft I glanced over to where the 8 loads of laundry should have been piled on the floor waiting for me to sort them. Instead I found sorted bins waiting for children to put them away. The next morning I noticed the dishes had also been done. Cami Kindness week sure is wonderful!

Wednesday evening I went to invite a neighbor to an event. Her husband had been battling cancer. As I arrived as asked how he was doing. He had passed away on Friday, she told me. Yesterday's kindness was simply sitting with my neighbor to listen about his final days and let her know I am just down the way with an ear that understands grief for the days when all the family goes away and people stop checking on you all the time.

Tonights kindness was that of good old fashion work. I stayed to help clean up after the event when I could have easily gone home. On my way out, I was talking to a friend about mothering and how stories like mine make us want to play more with our kids and enjoy them. It squeezed my heart just a little.

I thought of Harrison playing today. Noble was taking a nap. Harrison was playing with the trains. He stood up holding onto the train box and stomped his one foot over and over with a huge proud smile on his face. I had seen that before. The day Camille drowned. She did the same thing standing up on a step stool, so proud of having climbed it.

Then Harrison climbed right into the box on top of all the train tracks. This reminded me of a certain cup drawer with a little girl climbing in to play. He was so happy. I went over and took his photo and he smiled a big cheesy smile for me. He was so happy to be noticed. And I was so happy to notice him.

Tomorrow I am going to spend the day "noticing" the little joys in my home. They really are everywhere.

Cami's Kindness Week

We are having fun celebrating Cami's Kindness Week. I hope you are too. Monday we made Cami Cookies. When I was pregnant with Camille we called her Cookie and for a long while after we knew she was a girl she was Cookie Camille. Lauren would tell you that we were going to name her Cookie Camille when I had her baby sister.

So we made some yummy sugar cookies and took them around to some of my dear friends who knew Camille and helped me through those darkest days after her death. We wrote thank you notes to them to let them know how much their love and support has meant to us especially over the last 4 years.

I think our cookies turned out really cute and I know they were tasty because we had to sample one each too!

Then last night I told the girls we were going to run around the neighborhood twice to get our exercise right after I put the boys to bed. By the time I got the boys to bed, the girls had all run their two laps and Lauren was showered and ready for bed! I was telling Jon on the phone about it and how now I would have to run alone. Lauren heard me.

She kept trying to get my attention and with all I had going on it wasn't easy. She was nearly in tears before I finally gave her my full attention and asked her what she wanted to say. With teary eyes she said, "Mom I was just wondering if it would be okay if I went outside with you so I could cheer you on as you run." She seriously melted my heart.

So out I went and it filled my heart with joy to see her cheering for me as I completed each lap. I had her walk with me for a little to cool down after and as we walked hand in hand she told me she had already planned her Cami kindness act for the next day (today.) She was planning to get up early and make breakfast in bed for Sabrina since she had her state testing today. I told her to wake me up when she did it and I would do the same for Annie who also had testing today.

It made for a great start to the day for us all. Not sure what I am going to do for tomorrow yet but I am sure I will think of something. I am finding a little kindness goes a long way.

Power of Moms Retreat

The Power of Moms retreat I went to the last couple of days was a like Motherhood Ideas Overload! I came home with so many good ideas that I want to try in my home and a few new systems to set up as well. It was such a great weekend.

Friday we had April Perry present the Mind Organization for Mom way of organizing your mind and all the things on our ever lengthening "to do" lists. She has a whole system to keep things in order and I am anxious to incorporate many of her elements into my own system.

Then Saturday I spoke about Enjoying Motherhood NOW whenever Now is for you. I felt it went fine. I hope those in attendance got something out of it. I wish I could really give people some of the lessons I have learned these last 4 years without them having to go through the pain I have to learn them.

The rest of the day was spent going over how to take care of ourselves and our families and create the kind of families we want to have when we are grandparents. There were so many good ideas shared by the group on how to do this. I am going to take it slow in implementing things to see which ideas I still love as time goes by.

Today we sat down as a family and prayed and read the scriptures and then sang a song about keeping the commandments. Then I asked the girls if we could write our own "family commandment" because God always writes his rules down (ie the 10 on the tablets) so why don't we do the same. I asked them what our rules were.

They said things like "Don't wear shoes upstairs. No food upstairs. No putting kids in washing machines. No jumping off the dressers." I wrote down some of what they said and then pointed out the reason we don't wear shoes on the carpet or take food upstairs is to keep our home clean. So maybe our rule should be to be Clean and that one rule could cover all those and also only having clean language and taking care of our bodies and not watching bad things on TV. They agreed.

To address the washing machine idea and the dressers, I said the reasons for those rules were to keep us safe. We want our home to be a safe place. So our rule became Be Safe! This also includes keeping others safe in our home too.

By the end of our lesson we had come up with 6 rules. We had an art competition to see who could make the best poster for our rules and Sabrina won. So now we have some clear family rules. We call them our "COLARS" because they guide us to the home we want to have.  They are Clean Obey Love Ask Respect and Safe. (Ask refers to things like going to others houses or borrowing things or if you can watch TV or whatever.)

We are going to see this week how we do at keeping our family rules then next week I will introduce consequences for not keeping them.

If you have a chance to go to one of these retreats DO IT. It is worth the time and effort!

Cami's Kindness Week

I have been extraordinarily busy the last week and will be the coming week but I have to take some time to post that I am declaring this week Cami's Kindness week. Usually I only do a day (her birthday) and I ask everyone to do random acts of kindness (above and beyond what they would normally do) as a birthday gift to her.

But this year she would have turned 5. That is a big birthday. So I am asking for a work week of kindness--5 days of random acts of kindness. If you want to take on the challenge and give this gift to my little Camille I would love to hear what you did. They don't have to be big things. It could be just getting on the ground and playing with your kids when you normally wouldn't or reading them an extra book.

Camille's birthday was Thursday the 19th and our family went to Disneyland and met up with cousins Hank and Lili who turned 2 the same day. We also enjoyed the day with our other Harris cousins from Southern California and our aunts and uncles and some of their friends and their kids and our aunt Nikki's sister and her kids. Basically we were a massive herd roaming around Disneyland having a wonderful day in the Happiest Place on Earth and it was great.

We drove in the night before and met Jonathan who was down there for the grand opening of our Southern California LaptopXchange in Ontario. We all went to dinner at BJ's because I have been craving a pizookie for about 2 months. Here we are eating our pizookies (giant cookies with ice cream on top).

Noble and I shared the triple chocolate.

 The girls shared 1/2 Oreo 1/2 chocolate chip.

Daddy and Annie and Baby share 1/2 white chocolate Macadamia nut and 1/2 red velvet with cream cheese and white chocolate chips. Yummm! Mine was still the best. :)

The next morning we woke up early and met up with the cousins to walk to Disneyland. I miss our So. Cal. family. Everyone has a buddy!

Here are the cousins waiting for Hank and Lili and Darren and Nikki to start the day.

When we left Disneyland for California Adventure we tried to get another photo with all the cousins.

But the train was rather distracting.

It was a great day and Nikki and Elizabeth made these adorable blue buttons for us all to wear that said Celebrating Camille with a big white tulip and a number 5 on them. 

Thanks for the fun day everyone! I have so much more to post about the Power of Moms Retreat I went to and other stuff but right now I need to go get Harrison ready for church.

Let me know what you do for Cami's Kindness week please!

Coming Up

I have been feeling so much better since my last post and that night I had just letting my grief breathe for a bit. Who knew such a wave would hit with such force at nearly 4 years out? This grief process continues to surprise me.

In other news, April is shaping up to be a very busy month. This weekend I am taking my little Ann Marie down to Phoenix, just the two of us, to go visit family and spend some quality one on one time with her. It is our tradition to do an alone trip with mom for the 9th birthday. Annie's was back in January but as I have still been nursing Harrison I wanted to wait till he was at least a year before we went.

I don't think I ever posted photos of the family party we had for Annie and since we will be celebrating her birthday trip now I thought I would put them up now.

I am looking forward to some one on one time with this treasure of a little girl.

Next weekend I will be at the Power of Moms retreat in Las Vegas. Will you be there? I hope so. I am looking forward to it. I just went to my learning circle last night and had such a wonderful time learning and sharing with wonderful women. I imagine this retreat is going to be a magnified version of my learning circle. I am so excited to go learn and meet other "professionals" in this business of mothering.

Grief Breathing

I am still finding my emotions just beneath the surface. I will just be driving in the car and want to just cry. But I am smiling at the same time. I want to cry because I feel her so near and I miss her sweet spirit. Feeling her touches such a tender place in me that tears are inevitable.

Yet I am smiling as the tears fall. I am smiling because I am so happy to feel her near. I am smiling because I fully appreciate the blessings in my life and I am so grateful for my children. I feel filled with love for them each and every one. And again more tears come with that feeling too.

Gratitude. What debt of gratitude is mine!

Tonight I went to practice a performance some of the women in our church are putting on for a women's event. It is a musical depiction of the Ten Virgins. I play one of the foolish virgins and sing a song about trying to push away the cares of the everyday and focus on what matters - filling my lamp. In the end I am too distracted by the chores and I am left with no oil when the Bridegroom comes.

I hadn't listened to all the other songs before tonight. I was just focused on getting my song down. Tonight as I heard all the others with it I was moved. I was especially moved by the last "virgin" who broke her lamp and had to go to the "Shopkeeper" to get it fixed. She ends up being a wise virgin. I was struck by this verse in her song:

I'll pick up the pieces, every little bit
I'll gather all of them, even ones that seem impossible to fix
And I'll place them all in His hands
What I cannot restore, He can.

Actually her whole song hit me but this verse in particular went to the core. I felt like I did in the early days of my grief in that I just didn't care if people saw me cry or not. I took the cover off my grief and let it breathe. It is a beautiful thing to feel safe enough with other people to be able to do that.

Truly what I cannot restore He can ... and He will. And that is the glory of Easter.

Easter

Easter. It used to be a holiday about a far away concept of resurrection and the promise of victory over death when all is said and done. I loved the dresses and baskets and egg dying and feasting.


Then Camille died.


The next Easter I wanted to CELEBRATE. I wanted Easter to be THE holiday of all holidays in our home. I wanted the countdown to be long and focused on how great a blessing we have been given in the conquering of death by our Lord and Savior and his glorious resurrection. And it was that year ... and nearly so the next.


Last year Easter seemed to sneak up on me and we did our focus and remembering more between Easter and Camille's birthday. And it was still good.


This year has been a rough one for me. We are nearly four years out now. Yet Camille has been on my mind and close to my heart more than normal as of late. I have been missing her.


Harrison is now about 6 weeks younger than Camille was when she passed away. He has her eyes and mouth and build. He isn't walking or even really trying to yet. Neither was Camille. He is about her weight. He likes to make funny sounds with his mouth like she did. He is climbing things like she did. He maneuvers the stairs up and down like a pro just like she did.


He is snuggly and cuddly and he hugs me tight and gives me kisses and likes to gently nibble on my shoulder. He loves for me to carry him around. He loves on all his siblings and dad too. He is a sheer joy to every member of this family. Even Noble has no sibling rivalry concerning Harrison. (Except that he also wants to be carried everywhere since Harrison gets to be.) Mostly Noble is just pleased as punch that he has a brother.


And so I miss her. I miss her because I see her in him every day. It is a blessing and I wouldn't wish it any other way. Shakespeare must have known grief to have written these lines for Constance after her son dies in King John:


"Grief fills the room up of my absent child, 

Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me, Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words, Remembers me of all his gracious parts, Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form: Then have I reason to be fond of grief?"



Yes I would not wish away the remembrance of my sweet Camille that I get each time I look at her younger brother. 


Still it has made for a mixed bag of emotions on this Easter Sunday. I have felt great sorrow and ache and joy and gratitude beyond words. I have been close to tears feeling my sweet daughter close by my side today. Meanwhile I long for that day when we can be together again face to face. 


And it has been a quiet and simple Easter as I have sorted through and explored my "Easter basket" of emotions today. 


We woke to a breakfast of German pancakes that "rose" up in the oven. We watched a video on the Savior's death and resurrection. The kids found Easter baskets. Lauren wrote me a beautiful Easter poem about dyed eggs. We put on our new Easter outfits. Our family wore blue today ... a vivid tribute to our angel's eyes. We took a quick family photo or two and got to church. 

After church we headed to Grandma and Grandpa Waite's for Easter dinner and time with family.


Now the house is quiet and the vacation is over. Back to school and life tomorrow. Except I think we will still do our focus and remembering for the next 11 days till Camille's birthday. I need to suck more pure joy out of the great promise and gift my Savior has secured for me and all of us. Happy Easter everyone. 

Retreat!

What do you think of when you hear the word "retreat?" I suppose army guys think of pulling back away from the fight because they are being pummeled. I think of a spa and being pampered.

The retreat I want to tell you about today maybe a sort of combination of those two thoughts. It is a Power of Moms Retreat that will be help April 20-21 in the Las Vegas area. It will be a couple of days of regrouping our inner forces and treating ourselves all at the same time.

Motherhood is the most important job on earth and yet we get so little real training or "continuing education" in the subject. We have to do so much learning "on the job" and often have to discover what works by trial and error. But the Power of Moms organization is working to provide a bit more help than that.

I recently joined a "learning circle" through the Power of Moms and we meet once a month like a book club but instead of a book we read an article on mothering. Then we get together and discuss the topic and what we have found that has worked on the subject. We share our tips. We do a self analysis to see where we might be able to improve in our mothering and become a more deliberate mother. We take homework home and report on our homework at the following meeting.

It has been a very positive experience for me so far and I really have been more thoughtful about the topics we have discussed and I picked up a few new tricks to help me with some problem areas. You can learn more about "learning circles" and how to start your own on the Power of Moms website.

This retreat in Las Vegas should be a wonderful extension of this concept. It is going to be in a home so the space is limited and it is expected to fill up fast. So if you feel like you need to "Retreat!" either because you are feeling a bit pummeled or you just need some time to treat yourself to wonderful food and good company and useful training, head over to the retreat website and sign up to come!

I will be attending and speaking at the event. I hope to share some of what I have learned in my mothering experience and I hope to learn a few things from the other wonderful presenters and attendees as well. So make room on your calendars and come to Las Vegas for some "Retreating" that may have a powerful effect in your life as a mother.

Tulips Blooming

The tulips are blooming in my backyard. There are beautiful tulips on my counter, an anniversary gift from my honey yesterday. Today I went to Trader Joe's to pick up flowers for a friend whose father passed away. We walked in and Noble ran up and said "Look Mom, TWO LIPS!" He was standing in front of some potted tulips in bloom.

Tulips seem to be blooming in my heart. I feel the gentle bending of the stems in strange familiar ways. I can almost touch the softly opening petals in their delicate perfection. I can sense the depth within the bud sheltered from the elements of the everyday.

Each year seems to go by faster than the one before. Here we are again approaching the Easter season. Another anniversary, another birthday here and there, another April conference weekend. And again the tulips bloom.

This is life in my thirties. It is filled with the exhausting daily routine of young children and their endless needs. I am in constant wonder at the growing beauties I call my children. I want to freeze them in time and hold them in my arms and nibble their ears and toes and drink in the smell of them fresh out of the bath. And yet, I welcome the growing maturity and development I see as my girls get older.

Life in my thirties is good. It has not been all roses. No. There have been dark days. There have been times I wondered if I would ever feel the full warmth of the sun again. But I have found my way through the cold hard winter. And it has helped the tulips bloom once again.

Happy Birthday Harrison

My little man is one today. How can it be? We celebrated with a horde of Waites. Lots of family is in town for the blessing of our newest nephew. I think there were about 55 people at the party. I was in charge of dessert. My mom helped me out by making our traditional birthday sheet cake. My friend Chris over at Bread and Butter made amazing mini lemon cheesecake cupcakes. My babysitter and Noble and Lauren made a box mix birthday cake. I made 2 giant chocolate chip cookie cakes and 120 cheesecake stuffed strawberries that were gone in like 10 minutes.

Harrison got to enjoy a mini size birthday cake that the babysitter made and a "hostess" cupcake from Bread and Butter. At first he just poked at the cupcake. But eventually he figured it was pretty tasty and he started going for it mouth first.

Here are some of my favorite photos from the day:

Happy Birthday our littlest wonderful Waite. We love you!

Filling Down Time

Annie has been sick and out of school for the past three days. I have found it so enjoyable having her home that I almost wish she were "home sick" everyday. I think it would be even more fun if I didn't have two sick little boys to tend and hold constantly. They seem to demand far more of my time and attention than Annie.

But Annie has definitely gotten my attention in some very positive ways during her recuperation. By day two she had read for hours and slept for hours and been to the doctor and back. We had watched a little television and she decided she was bored of that. So she made up a game for Noble and convinced him to play her game ... cleaning up the family room. Yes, that is right. Annie got Noble to CLEAN!

This is not something I even try to get Noble to do most of the time. I mean I will have him pick up his trains or help him pick up toys after he has played with them, but having him clean a whole room by himself ... no. But Annie got him to clean the whole family room, including taking people's stuff up to their rooms.

She later informed me that kids don't like it when grown ups make them clean because it isn't fun but she made it fun for Noble and that is why he did it. Later that day she surprised me by cleaning the entire downstairs. I was outside for a few minutes and when I came back in she had picked up, wiped down counters, swept floors and even put fresh flowers from the garden on the table.

Beyond the cleaning, she has been so fun to be with. We have read some of the final book of Fablehaven together. We have snuggled and talked lots. She has practiced her music, which I love to listen to. And I have baked and cooked and cleaned and tended with her companionship. I think she will be heading back to school tomorrow since her fever is pretty much gone now. I will miss my little Ann Marie.

"Let's Call Today a Mulligan"

That is what the hubby said to me tonight. I nodded in full agreement. We have 3 sick kids. There are two of us. Each of these 3 kids wants to be held constantly. It has been cold and windy and rainy. We have been in the house nursing children and administering medicines and holding hot little bodies.

Having sick kids is not fun. But it is a part of being mortal. We get sick. Sometimes we get hurt. Some days the sun doesn't shine and the winds howl and the rain beats down on everything it can. And somedays, that's okay.

Somedays I almost want the rain to fall and the winds to howl and the sun to hide all day. I have spent the entire day with my sweet family. I got to hold my little children and know that they felt just a little better just because I was holding them. My 2 well children got to learn to serve the family and help out when Mom and Dad are overwhelmed with little sick people.

Not sure they enjoyed learning this lesson. There have been several complaints about not being able to go play with friends. But sometimes it is good for kids to learn that on certain days when the wind howls and the rain falls, it is more important to get to work serving others, especially those in your own home. It is an important lesson.

And tonight as I watch that same child voluntarily step up to help, I am grateful for the rainy day that prompted such a valuable lesson. Maybe not such a Mulligan after all.

First Hair Cut ...

I gave Harrison his first hair cut today. Okay so it was like 50 hairs. he just had some hairs on the back that were getting long so I trimmed them up a bit. Still I wanted to note it here since this will be a source for his baby book.

Normally, I save cuttings from the first haircut. I didn't today. It was just so little hair. But the whole time I was snipping, I was thinking about how little hair Camille had and her first haircut in the hospital as we prepared for her death. That little lock of hair is a treasure to me now. I was amazed my sister in law Marleen was even able to get the nearly one inch curl that she did off her nearly bald head.

Today as I cut Harrison's hair I kept telling myself there would be lots more haircuts for him. I wouldn't need to save these little strands. He is getting to that high anxiety stage of life for me. He turns one in 10 days now. He has been sick and I worry.

How can my baby be turning one already? He is such a sweet little, snuggly boy. Everyone just adores him. Even Noble, who I expected to have more jealousy, just loves Harrison. He just wants Harrison to get big and play with him faster.

Harrison has found the famous cup drawer and begun exploring it. He doesn't really climb in so much. The girls like to put him in there so he can play like Camille did but since that is not so great for the drawer we try to discourage that. He prefers to just empty its contents and chew on some of them along the way.

Harrison has also been taking his first steps. Well it is more like falling to me or his dad with his feet moving at this point, but it he gets one or two steps in there before gets to us. He is rather adept at going up and down stairs. I still don't let him do that much, but I am always surprised at how well he does when I take the time to sit with him while he learns his stair skills.

He is a rather picky eater. He is bothered by certain textures. He really likes those pouches with the baby food in them. They are my new secret weapon to getting veggies in him. I was amazed that he ate a Cutie clementine that I cut up really small today. Other than that his favorites are any cereal Dad is eating, oatmeal, bananas, Life cereal, macaroni and cheese, tomatoes, yogurt, bits of string cheese, and smoothies.

He takes 1 - 2 naps a day. Usually his first nap is around 10:30. Then he wakes up around 11:30-12:00 when I put Noble down. He will do down again around 2 or 3 when Noble wakes up. I have a very short window in the morning to go do anything before the naps times begin.

Sorry for the mundane details. Its just that I wish I could remember all these things about Camille. Her accident hard wiped my brain in some ways and if I hadn't written these things down I would not have remembered them. Luckily I had written all her habits down for my parents and in laws for the weekend they took care of her just 2 weeks before she died.

And now I have some of it written down for my treasure of a boy so I won't ever forget him at one.

A Lasting Change ... the Update

One the posts I wrote just after Camille passed away was entitled A Lasting Change. I wrote it about some of the good changes I had seen come from the tragedy that befell our family. One of those was the change in my family. I became a new mother that day Camille died. There were lots of hard and painful and just downright terrible changes that happened to me that day. But there were also some new and wonderful changes that took place.

Lately, I have really had my eyes opened to how "lasting" these changes in me have been. Given the perspective of 3.5 years and birthing two more children into our home, I have seen these changes put to the test and over time and trial, I have discovered that at least some of these good changes are, for me, permanent.

The other day a friend and I were talking about kids and mothering. Half joking, she said something like, "when is it supposed to get to the point where you really enjoy it?" We are both in the little kid stage. This can be a really hard stage of motherhood. I get that. But I answered her question with one word. "NOW!" Whenever now is for you, that is when you should start enjoying it.

I explained that before Camille passed away I was just in survival mode with the 4 kids under age 6. I was just "getting through it" till the youngest two could play together more and make my job as Mom less physically demanding. I was just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel of that hard first year of essentially 2 babies when Camille died.

"You have to enjoy the now because sometimes that is all you get." That is one change that Camille's death made permanent in me. I enjoy the now. Even when my kids are driving me nuts, I still enjoy the now. I may get frustrated or overwhelmed at times. But I constantly have a joy in my soul that I get to be a mother. It is a constant undercurrent in my life now that dramatically shapes my mothering.

Hand in hand with that is how much more positive I am about my job as a mother. I do not look at my role with as much pessimism. When people ask me about how I like being a mother, my first thoughts are all positive. I don't think about how hard it is or the lack of sleep or the whining, and tantrums and redundancy or the daily training. I think of how much I love my children and how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my family. I think of how honored I am to be their mother and all the cute things they say and their shiningly wonderful qualities.

I am thankful for these changes. They are vastly improving my mothering experience. I am grateful that there has been such a personally wonderful and lasting good that has come about as a result of an otherwise terrible tragedy.

What I've Been Up To: Reaching Out

We are well into our first week of March and I have been happily surprised by how little the screens have been on. That month goal has accomplished its purpose I think.

We have been recuperating from a nasty respiratory bug that has been making the rounds through our family. Today is the first day I haven't taken a decongestant. I have been very drowsy from the sinus pressure and drugs and therefore, absent from my blogging. I don't know what I would do without my angel of a mother coming to tend me when Jon was out of town and my kids and I were all sick. She got the bug too in the end. She says she is expendable and it is ok for her to get sick because she doesn't have to take care of kids all day. She is wrong. I need her too much. I am glad she is getting better now too.

It was a lovely sunny day today with temperatures in the mid seventies. The kids and I spent the after school hours playing out in front of the house. I love those times. I love when my neighbors come out and we get a chance to visit while the kids play. I have great neighbors. What a blessing they are!

Other than that, I have been getting up to speed on my new responsibilities at church. We had big changes recently and I got a new job working in the women's organization as a counselor over education. It has been fun working with the other women in the presidency and getting to know the ladies at church better.

One thing I am going to try to do in an effort to "reach out" more to the women in the ward is to try to be more mindful of them and to send out little notes to them when I am thinking of them. I sent one today. It felt good to write my sincere feelings down to a woman I admire and yet don't speak to very often.

I used to work with her ... back when Camille was with us and through her accident and for 3 months after. Then the boundaries to our ward changed and we were in different wards. A couple years later we were back in the same ward again after more boundary changes but we haven't been working together again like we used to. So today I thought of her and how much I enjoyed working with her back then. So I sat down and wrote her a note to tell her I loved her.

It felt good. I want to do that more. I do not always come across as warmly as I want to. I am a doer. I like to get my list checked off. Often times I am so focused on getting things done (important things) that I am not able to express the warm and loving feelings that are in my heart for the people I pass or see along the way. I really do have deep feelings of love and appreciation and admiration for people. I think many people I know would be surprised to know how much love I feel for them. I hope my little card writing campaign will help me express those feelings more fully and brighten a day here and there of someone who needs to know they are loved that day.

Results from the No Screen Month Test

As it is the last day of February and our family's experiment of no screens, I want to share the observations we have made throughout the testing phase.

I secretly dreaded this month because I like my TV shows. Also I felt like there were going to be lots of meltdown times when I would just really NEED Little Bear to help me cope. I was very surprised at how much easier this month has been than I thought it would be. I only really felt like I needed Little Bear once! I mean ONCE!

I didn't turn him on so I guess I really didn't NEED him. It just would have been easier than dealing with the tantrum. But being as I am a mom I guess I should be dealing with the child having the tantrum, not the TV dealing with it. This goes back to my last post about not doing things the easiest way. Sometimes, we learn more and get better outcomes when we do things the harder less efficient way. But I digress...

So this week I have been asking the kids, "I know that this no screen month has been boring at times, especially on the weekends when none of your friends can play. But I want to know if you have seen any good things that have come out of it?"

Here are some of their responses: Our home is more calm. I got to know my little brothers better because I spent more time with them. There is more peace in our home. I feel more love in our home. We had less fighting. Mom put us to bed more. Mom yelled less. We spent more time together.

My response was that there is a significant peace in our home with the quiet on no screen and no mom yelling to turn off screen or having to repeat directions several times because someone was too absorbed in a screen to pay attention. I also noticed more time spent as a family. More Dad and kid interaction, more Mom and kid interaction and more siblings playing together.

Jon noticed a shift in our children as they seemed less affected by the "Hollywood" propaganda machine.

All these are very wonderful outcomes and the far surpass my expectations of this experiment. Really I can't even say how much more powerfully I feel a sense of peace and order in our home.

Nevertheless, the weekends have been hard with no TV. So we are going to try to keep the good stuff and ease up to alleviate the bad part of boring weekends. We will see how this balance goes. For now we are going to start doing "No Screens Monday - Thursday and then allow screens after school on Friday and all day Saturday. Sundays we allow screens but only to watch or view church related programing (LDS.org), which means we hardly ever have TV on and the kids play some games from HERE.

Now we of course will make some exceptions now and then. Like this last weekend when I was so sick I couldn't get out of bed and my husband was out of town. I turned the TV on for Noble so I could lay down and sleep while the baby slept. Certain circumstances call for an exception. The trick is keeping the "exceptions" to a minimum to keep the strength of the rule.

I hope we will still see that peace and calm and love in our home like we have this month. If not we may have to revisit a new solution. It will be harder for me than for the kids really. I am the one home all day with one kid napping and one kid to entertain. It would be easier to just watch TV. But life isn't about going the easy route I am learning.

Next month is "no getting angry" month. I feel much more able to tackle that after such a good February. I just have to fine tune a few times when my instructions to kids have gone unheeded after several repeats. Deep Breaths here I come.

Deep Thought

I have had a deep thought percolating in my mind of late. I thought I would share it. It is along the same lines as the idea that "life is more about the journey than the destination." I have been realizing that life is less about what the beauty and wonder of our creations here on earth and more about us learning to become creators.

We do wonderful things here on earth. We create art, we create clean spaces, we create children and families and relationships and work projects and inventions and a million other little things. We like to make these things look beautiful and strive for some degree of "perfection" in these things we create.

But the reality is that often the things we create or are creating are no where close to "perfect." The house is often messy and the relationships can be messy too sometimes. Even when we feel we get something just the way we want it, life can suddenly turn it upside down and "mess it up."

By nature, I am a woman who looks for the straightest line between two points. The one point is where I am and the other is where I want to be. I am a doer. I want to check it off my list and I want it to stay checked. :) I want to drive the shortest, and fastest way to the store or the school. I want to order my life so that it works at maximum efficiency.

So this realization that has been coming to me has really shaken my paradigm. I am seeing that sometimes it is better for me to get up and walk upstairs to get something up there I need rather than ask my husband to bring it down with him when he comes. Why? Because I get the exercise of climbing the stairs and strengthening my muscles.

I am seeing that the purpose of picking up the toys may not be about getting the house clean but it may be about making me a better worker. Perhaps it is better to cook whatever I eat because the work of it will make me stronger and healthier than doing the easy thing or eating out or picking up fast food.

It has made me think about the Karate Kid movie (the original) where Mr. Miagi makes the kid do all those random chores. Maybe he didn't really need his fence painted or his car washed. The whole point was to build the kids muscles in the right movements.

It is okay if my kids are not perfect. They are in training. It is okay if I am not perfect. I am also in training. I succeed when I keep training. There is no "finish" to this work. I am in school. I am learning - often one mistake at a time.

I don't have to create perfection. I just have to grow and learn as I create.

This thought has made my house cleaning and cooking and mothering seem so much more purposeful and hopeful and positive. I hope it helps anyone else out there as much as it has helped me. Anyone get thoughts to add to this?

Best Valentine's Day Ever

Yes. That is right. Today has been my favorite Valentine's Day ever. First off, it being a Tuesday and all I really had no expectations for the day. I mean I had to do my big cook for my dinner group and Jon had work so ...

Then last night my sweet hubby came out of his office with a bow on his head and a piece of paper taped to his chest. The paper had a poem written on it telling me that his Valentine's gift to me was a day with him home with me all day.

I read it and a big smile spread across my face. "You mean no going to work? No working from home? No doing any accounting or checking up on things by phone? A whole day where you are all mine???" I asked. He nodded and said he had told everyone at work not to bug him. :)

You see usually when Jon doesn't have to work, he has other things he wants to do. But today he did whatever I wanted to do. It was the best day ever. First we woke up together early and made a special Valentine's day breakfast for the girls. I made a Dutch baby and cut out pieces of it with a heart shaped cookie cutter. He went with me to take the kids to school.

Then he watched the boys while I attempted to make treats for some friends. It didn't work out like I had hoped so I threw it away. Next we went to Ethel M's chocolate factory and picked out a big box of chocolates together. Yummm! Then we went to lunch together at Heidi's Deli. It was great. He has been telling me about it for weeks and I finally got to go with him. We stopped by the grocery store to pick up some ingredients for "plan B" treats for friends. He drove the boys around in the car cart. I never get that one because it so cumbersome. He made it go all over the place and the boys loved it.

We came back home to give the boys a nap and Jon worked out while I made my "plan B" treats - Oreo Truffles - a sure fire hit. We played some scrabble and when the boys woke up and the girls came home he watched the boys while I cooked some Filet Mignon and Top Sirloin steaks and fingerling potatoes and a green salad.

Now we have cleaned up and bathed and bedded the boys and it is time to go hot tubbing with the girls before bedtime. :) Not too out of the ordinary of a day, except being with my Jonathan makes my regular boring day so much better. I just REALLY love spending time with my honey. Hope your Valentine's day was as great as mine.