A Lesson in Patience

I have always felt like it is easier to learn life's lessons vicariously. I have tried to learn from the experiences of others so that I could live to maximize the good and minimize the pain. This theory has helped me avoid many unnecessary pitfalls and inspired me to glean pearls of truth out of the experiences of others. 

But some lessons we, apparently, must learn through first hand experience. Those lessons learned first hand are the most deeply engrained. For me this most personal and very real "investment" in celestial kingdom has been a lesson in patience. Patience as I wait the rest of my life to hug and kiss and raise my sweet baby girl. Patience with myself as I grieve. Patience with my children as I train them to become women of grace, strength, endurance and ... patience. 

I am glad to hear in your comments that you have found a bit more patience in you when dealing with your children. I want to share this lesson with everyone as much as I can without anyone else having to learn this first hand. So, in an effort to do this, may I write a bit more on the patience I have found in dealing with my children.

In my post entitled "Angry?" I mentioned that my kids were some of the few who were able to anger or frustrate me. That is true. I think it is more often a feeling of frustration than pure anger. We all know how that feels when we have asked a kid to do something for the 5th time and they still aren't doing it. Then we remind them we should only have to ask them once. And they still aren't doing it. Then you have to get up and go help them do it. It is tedious. It is tiring. It is all part of parenting.

Before the accident, I let these tiring, tedious things get under my skin and fester.  By the end of the day the woman I liked to call "Mean Mama" would come out and everybody better be in their beds or watch out.

My home has changed since then. This is for me the best single change born from this tragedy. 

Here I am blogging. Lauren is by my side hatching a plan. 

All photos by Sabrina Waite age 7

From the time the police finally let me go to the hospital after all their interviews until two days later when the coroner came for Camille's body, I did not go home. I was either at the hospital or my sister's house. I was scared to go home--scared to walk in these doors without her here. 

Then my twin brothers gave a duet of blessings-one to Camille by Darren and one to me from Stephen. Darren was the first brother to arrive and he immediately gave Camille a blessing with Jonathan. It was a beautiful blessing, profound in fact. There was one part of it where he told her there was no fear in love. 

Later after his twin brother Stephen arrived, Stephen gave me a blessing. He said something very similar about there being no fear in love. This opened my heart to feel all the love around me and let go of the fear. I knew I would be alright going home because my home was filled with love, and that was not scary.

Shortly after arriving home, when tempers would flair among my kids, I would quickly sit them down and explain how important it was that there be only love in our home. I explained that now that Camille was an angel, she could only be where there was lots of love. I needed her to be in our home, I told them. So we must be only loving with each other.

I drilled this into them as much as I could. Generally, they have been better lately. But they are still kids. There is still discipline to be done and training to do. Sometimes this training includes a bit of "righteous indignation" to get the point across. But there is never anger anymore. Not from me. Not in my home.

The greatest factor for me in being able to be patient with them when they are being disobedient now is remembering who they really are. I remember the way I saw Lauren, through Camille's eyes. I felt humbled to be her mother. I wish so much that I could let each reader see their own children this way for even but a moment. 

Lauren is getting ready to strike. She is going to "get" her Mama's attention.

You have to understand, Lauren was 2. VERY 2. She was becoming aggressive and demanding. She was at that age where I felt at my wits end everyday. To see her that way of all the kids-- it just made me revamp my whole parenting style. I want to be a mirror to them of who they are and how they should act because of who they are. 

Before she can strike, I "get" Lauren.

I treat them with more gentleness, more respect, and far more patience. Patience has never been my forte. But somehow, knowing I will have to wait like 50 years or so to see Camille--well it kinda redefines the limits of my patience.

 

I am not sure I can really share this lesson I have learned in a way that will allow you all to benefit from it. But maybe Camille can. I hope next time you are getting frustrated with your kids, she will remind you of who they are and give all you mom's out there a little extra dose of patience.

Lauren "gets" me.

Life After Death

Camille Kathleen Waite 6 days before she drowned.

I am a firm believer in life after death. 

When the energy of our spirits leave our mortal bodies, we do not cease to exist. I know this because every bit of my being tells me this is Truth. I know this because, at times, I can feel my daughter's presence right next to me, though her body is miles away decaying in a coffin. 

Some Truths are so vital for our happiness here on Earth that our loving Heavenly Father seems to have implanted in our souls a detector to recognize them when we are presented with them.

This detector lets us know when we are reading, hearing, speaking, thinking or feeling Truth. It gives us a warm peaceful sure feeling as we ponder Truths. 

In the last two months, I have been presented with many versions of what life after death is like. In sifting through all this information, I have come to know some great Truths. The Truths about life after death that I have come to know are closely tied to other Truths previously established in my belief system. I have listed these foundational Truths below.

Some Foundational Truths I know for sure:

God lives.

Jesus Christ is His Son.

We are all the spirit children of God. 

God loves us as a Father.

God wants us His children to know of Him.

God loves us in this age as much as he loved his children in the times of the Bible

God speaks to prophets like Moses and Noah to teach His children more about Him.

After the death of Jesus Christ the apostles were killed.

In 1820, in answer to a young boy's prayer, God and Jesus Christ appeared.

This young boy, Joseph Smith, grew up and became a great prophet.

He had many, many revelations to help him restore Christ's original church on the earth.

God and Jesus Christ speak to a prophet today.

I came to know these foundational Truths because I have followed the counsel in James 1:5, just as Joseph did. I have asked God in faith and that detector of truth, the Holy Ghost, has witnessed to my spirit that these things are indeed true. 

Now on to the Truths I have found about life after death.

Many of the prophet Joseph Smith's visions dealt with life after death. The truths he taught about what happens to us after we die resonate with truth throughout my entire being. He taught that families can be sealed together by the same power to bind in heaven what is bound on Earth that the Savior gave to Peter. See Matt 16:19. So while earthly marriages are until death do we part, the Lord wants us to be married by one who holds that divine sealing power that transcends the bonds of death and binds you to your spouse through the eternities. When a couple is sealed together by that divine binding power of God, their children are also bound to them in the eternities. Those family relationships go with us beyond the grave.

I know now more than ever that heaven -- life after death -- is all about family. It is enjoying perfected versions of the familial relationships we had here on earth. It is about remembering our place in the great family of our God.

We all have the ability to follow that invitation in James 1:5 and ask God, who giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not. We all can find our own answers to our own questions. We can learn what a dream meant or if we can be with our family forever. All we need to do is seek to find answers, gather information, and ask which answer is Truth. God loves us. He will let us know.

My knowledge of these Truths, given to me through personal witnesses of the Spirit, gives me peace. In this peace there is, for me, a way to enjoy my life after her death.  My life after her death revolves around one thing--Family.

I am a firm believer in life after death.

Sabrina took this photo of Lauren and I today

Sweet Dream

Yesterday marked 8 weeks since this nightmare began. Last night, tired from little sleep and feeling the crushing weight of the reality of my life, I went to sleep early. I slept long and hard and in my sleep I had a dream. 

I was in my mother's bedroom talking to one of my girls. Behind her on the bed was Camille. She was just a little older than she was when she died-- maybe the age she would have been about now. She was beautiful. She was so alive. She was so aware. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. 

She was talking but I don't remember what she was saying. In my dream, I knew she had died. My other daughter to whom I was speaking was unaware of her presence. My conversation with the other daughter continued, but I can't tell you which daughter it was or what we talked about because my entire focus was on my sweet, living, beautiful baby girl behind her. How I wanted to go to her- to hold her and squeeze her and feel her wiggle in my arms again. But, even in the dream, I knew I couldn't.

I worried that she would disappear, but then I was told, I am not sure by whom, that she would always be there. She would always be that real, that much a part of our home. We just wouldn't be able to touch her or talk directly with her. But she would be talking, watching, and living in her own way right along with us. It was a powerful feeling.

We were interrupted by a doctor, but not just any doctor. It was the Chief Medical Officer at the hospital where Camille was born and where, 14 months later and one floor higher, she died. In real life, he had come to visit us the Sunday morning before Camille died. I had never met him before, but he knew my father and he was recently made our Stake President (a church leader over about 8-12 congregations). 

Back in the dream, Dr./President Jones came in to tell me the autopsy results were something I should see.  I followed him into the living room and he showed me Camille's skeleton. He showed me a hole in one of the bones on her leg. (In real life my sister in law Nikki's dad recently found out he has a form of cancer that causes holes in your bones.) 

I asked the Dr./Pres. Jones in my dream if that was evidence of cancer. He said it was. He told me she had very early signs of a very aggressive and painful cancer, nothing we would have been able to detect yet, but that would have been fatal. He told me her drowning was really a blessing because it saved her from feeling so much pain.

The next thing I remember was waking to Lauren tugging on my ear and telling me she wanted me to go downstairs with her to turn on Little Bear and give her a "jelly sandwich." (This kid is addicted to Uncrustables).

As soon as I got Lauren set up, I came to write this. It is so fresh in my mind and I don't want to forget it. I know Camille probably didn't have early signs of cancer in real life, but the message of the dream was real. If it hadn't been this, it would have been something else and maybe something more painful. 

And though I don't get to see Camille here in our home, lighting up the background to every conversation, I got her message. She is always near -- smiling, talking, watching, living. 

Angry?

The last comment I read was the following:

Bless you for being an example. I know that "suffering is part of the human experience" and I know that I too will face trials that may bring the same kind of unimaginable heartache that you've experienced....I fear that I'll be angry with God. I hope that I'm strong enough to see His Plan. Do you every feel angry?

God's Blessings to you!

Ann in Missouri 

Thank you for the question Ann. I would like to respond to this publicly. 

As a senior in high school I remember a seminary lesson we had on anger. I think we were discussing Jesus in the New Testament and his righteous indignation. I don't remember the whole lesson. I just remember my teacher Bro. Strobelt asserting that we can choose whether we get angry or not. Being the head strong opinionated know it all I was (and sometimes still am), I took him to task on this assertion.

"You can choose how you feel! You can't control your emotions," I said. "Emotions just come to you and they are natural and there is nothing wrong with feeling a certain way." I never took a psych class but I would guess they would teach something like this in more eloquent and academic terms.

He stood his ground firmly. "You can control how you feel. You can master your own emotions and tame the natural man," he said. He then gave the example of how if someone does something mean to you, you have a choice. You can choose to feel hurt or you can choose to feel angry. Most people don't like feeling the hurt. Given the choice most humans choose anger because it is easier than the hurt. But you can choose to feel hurt instead and the anger will leave if you make that choice.

That was his basic argument, if not his exact words (it has been some years since then.) I was still doubtful about his theory. Nonetheless, I pondered his assertion and decided to try his theory out. Over the next few years I thought of this lesson each time I felt angry. Time after time, I found that really I was hurt and letting anger take over so I wouldn't have to feel the hurt. I made a conscious effort to let myself feel the hurt instead of the anger. Amazingly, it worked--almost without fail. I really can't remember the last time I was really angry. (Okay maybe I can -- my kids can get me angry or at least frustrated, or at least they used to be able to before -- that is a subject for another post)

Now to answer the question of the comment. I know anger is one of the five steps of grief and it is very common for people to feel angry. I am not saying that it is wrong to feel that emotion as a part of grief. But I think all these years of practicing being hurt rather than angry have helped me skip over that part of the grief process. 

In short, No. I have never for a moment felt angry at anyone. Not anyone in my family, not Camille, not the situation, and certainly not at God. I had a moment the first night after the accident when Camille was in the hospital where I felt a fierce fighting feeling. I was praying with a fierceness I never had before, willing with my whole soul that she would be made well. But I wouldn't call that feeling anger. 

My life has been so blessed. Even taking this trial into account I am so incredibly in the debt of the Lord. I know where I stand before the Lord so there is no anger in my heart. 

I think of Mary, the mother of the Savior. She was so young when she was told she was going to have a child. This news rocked her world and put the whole of her future happiness in jeopardy. This was a great blessing wrapped in a terrifying trial. My situation is not much different in that aspect. There are great blessings in the midst of this incredibly painful trial. 

Even as early as my time in the hospital with Camille before we knew whether or not Camille would live, I felt to echo the wise words of mother-to-be Mary, "Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word." Luke 1:38

The Scoop behind the Scoop

In honor of the 200,000 hit, 100,000 unique visitors, and 50,000 returning visitors, I want to share the real story of why I started this blog.

Let us go back in time (Oh if only I really could). It is mid April 2008. I am in a serious funk. You know those times in motherhood where you feel like your life is just one dirty diaper after another? Yeah. Don't get me wrong. I loved and appreciated my kids. Truly my cup was running over with joy in them, most especially the littlest who was too young to ever do anything naughty. I loved being a full time mother too. I just felt ... unidimensional? 

I am not sure I can describe exactly how I felt now any better than I could then. I can tell you that I have always been happiest when I have been very busy with lots of deadlines to meet. I work well under pressure and I work best when my plate is very full. If I only took 12 credits (4 classes) in a college semester, I would procrastinate studying and probably do very poorly. But if I took 18 credits (6-7 classes), I would get all As and Bs and be happier being busy.

Putting that type of personality into being a full time mom has been challenging for me, especially when I wanted by principle to avoid taking any job on me that would take away from my time with my kids.

I have always known I would have a career besides motherhood at some point. I even knew what I wanted to do with my life. The planner that I am, I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. (The foreign ambassador to the Bahamas.) I love politics. I want to do something political with my career ... someday.

But I have lots of unrelated interests. I like to cook and bake. I love to write. I love traveling. I have always avoided doing anything with these interests because they did not contribute to my end goal -- politics. I didn't open an ice cream store because I didn't want to be a ice cream shop owner. That wasn't what I wanted to be when I grew up. I didn't want to be a baker or a writer or a business person.

Still I felt like I needed something more in my life. I started adding classes to my kids schedule and signed up to start taking pilates. I was seeking things to fill my schedule that were compatible with motherhood.

Then one morning in late April I woke up at 5 am and couldn't go back to sleep. I am not a morning person. This was highly unusually for me. I got in the bathtub to help myself fall back asleep and get a little more rest before the kids woke up at 8. 

As I sat there in the bath, I thought about my life. I thought about who I was in high school. I sang and danced and golfed and played the piano and was in numerous clubs. No one who knew me now would guess I did any of those things. I was a totally different person then. 

Next I thought of my life in college and my 20s. I was focused on school and politics and public relations and journalism and law school and criminal law. No one who knew me then knew about my high school interests. I was a different person in my 20s than I had been in my teens.

Last, I thought about my life now. I am the mother of four girls. That is where I stopped. I didn't have all these varied facets to my life as I had in the past. I was a totally different person now than in my 20s or my teens. 

Then I had what was to me a revelation. 

Insert angels singing and light streaming down from heaven. 

I could be more than one thing in my life. I didn't have to pick one thing to be when I grew up. I could be a different person every decade if I wanted to. I could be a lawyer in my 20s, something else in my 30s, another thing in my 40s and then go into politics in my 50s and be the ambassador to the Bahamas in my 60s. :)

Instantly I knew I needed to decide what I wanted to be in my 30s other than a mother. I had to be something that wouldn't take time away from my kids. I love writing. I needed to document my life better. That would contribute to my mothering, not take away from it. I could do it at night when the kids were in bed. It fit. My 30s would be my writing years. 

Until this point I had been anti blog. I was uncomfortable having so much information about myself out on the net. I had started a private blog before but found that few people check a private blog. I needed an audience to serve as my "deadline." 

In this revelatory moment, I just knew I needed to get over my fears and start a blog, an open to the public blog. I needed to practice my writing and try to do it everyday if I could. Then maybe, when my writing skills were sharpened, I would write a children's book or do some freelance journalism work.

That week, I set up and started www.adailyscoop.blogspot.com.

I had no idea then how grateful I would be for following that divine direction. Not only has this blog been a life line for me personally, but I have a few precious entries with and about Camille in the last 7 weeks of her life. I never dreamed, even after Camille's accident, that so many people would come and read what I wrote. I am still astonished at that. 

I was grateful to the Lord for this revelation then. It took me out of my funk. I am even more grateful for it now. It was one of many preparatory pillars the Lord, in His mercy, put in place to hold my life up when the hurricane of heartache would hit. I cling to those pillars now as treasures.  They stand as evidence of the Lord's love for me and His foreknowledge of this twist in the plot of my life.  

News bits

• It is the last week of SYTYCD. Tonight is the last night to watch the performances and vote. There will be the usual party at my house. 8:30 p.m. Treats to be served.

• Tomorrow is the finale. The winner will be announced. Usually we don't gather for results shows... BUT the finale is when they bring back all the best dances from the season. Soooo, there will be a finale party at my house again at 8:30. We will have treats and there will be some sort of game to play along with the show.  Call me if you want to add to the party in some way. I know Cat is bringing fruit pizza. It is going to be the Best Show of the season so we need to make it the best party of the season.  :) By the way for all those wondering ... Joshua. He is my pick to win and who I will vote for. I wanted the top four to be Katee, Chelsie, Josh and Will. If it had been I would probably have voted for Will or Chelsie. But... we all know how well that plan worked out.

• In other news, I have to throw a shout out of thank you to my ding dong ditcher on Monday. WOW. My kids think you ROCK and so do I. :) Thanks so much.

• And the other question I have often been asked -- Will I write a book?  At the very least I will publish this blog as a book on blurb and make it available to the public that way. I would love to write a book. I love to write. If only getting published were as easy as writing. If any of you know a publisher who is interested, you can send them my way. ;)

• Another item of note - I am now making public my email address for those wanting to communicate more privately than commenting. My email address can be found on my profile page.

• Lastly, I want to thank all of you for your comments. I appreciate all of them. I have yet to be put off by or offended by any comment on my blog or to my face. Many of them make me smile, laugh, cry, feel loved, or just give me good fodder for a much needed post. Normally, I consider myself fairly unoffendable. I have rather thick skin and can debate many otherwise taboo subjects without letting emotion get in the way. Right now, I am not really my normal self. A large part of me is raw and vulnerable. I share most of that sensitive area with all of you on the blog. I appreciate all of you who have been so lovingly protective of me because you know this. Thank you to all my commenters for being gentle and loving in your comments. To those readers who don't agree with me or my views, thank you for remaining silent on such matters.

Camille's Latest Message

The curtain behind the casket is where we buried Camille.

We buried Camille indoors in a mausoleum. We wanted to have our own graves next to hers. We wanted to be comfortable when we visited her grave, not hurried because we were baking in the Vegas heat. It is quiet inside and air-conditioned. It is peaceful.

Last Sunday we went to visit Camille's grave. This was our second visit since the funeral. The only marker for her grave still looks like this:

I look forward to the day they get her marker put up with her picture on it and a vase we the girls can put treasures in for her. 

So, last Sunday we were at the mausoleum sitting on a couch there facing Camille's grave. The mood was thick and peaceful. I turned to Sabrina and out of curiosity asked her if she had heard any more messages from Camille. (She has, in the past 7 weeks, relayed to me some simple truths she has heard Camille whisper to her mind and heart.) 

"No, nothing." she said. Then about 30 seconds later she turned back to me and said, "Oh wait. I just got one."

I smiled at how promptly this prompting came to her. Convenient.

"What did she say?" I asked.

She looked at me with a face that held no guile and replied simply "Have Fun."

Sabrina then started a game of chase with her sisters and they spent the next 20 minutes running around the mausoleum, laughing, screaming in delight and playing.  They had fun.

As I watched them, I thought to myself how real that prompting must have been. I could feel Camille there watching her sisters in their play. Watching them just as she did as the littlest among them. Watching with delight in her eyes, cheered by their cheer, giggling at their giggles, wanting so much to really be able to join in the fun. 

I have no doubt this simple directive was indeed straight from our littlest lady. May we all follow this counsel today, especially with the little ones in our lives. "Have Fun."

Inadequate Response

Today I want to respond to the anonymous first comment on yesterday's post. For those who don't read the comments, I have quoted it below:

"Stephanie usually when I read your blog I feel as others do - spiritually uplifted and motivated to become better. You are a great example to all of us and I'm sure so many of us have learned to love you even though we do not know you.

 

"Today though I am feeling a little inadequate and I wonder how I can ever achieve the spirituality you have achieved. I have a testimony the same as you do, but as I compare my life to yours I see all the things I'm not doing, and I wonder if I can ever catch up. You have experienced a terrible loss, and yet you seem to be such a pillar of strength and fortitude. How can I learn to be as diligent in my spiritual development, so when I feel I am losing "it" I can find the peace you have found?"

This comment raised an issue that has been a growing concern for me personally with this blog. It also touched a sensitive nerve for me that I want to address.

First let me address my concern. I think I need to throw a bit of reality into this honest, yet edited blog. As my husband noted in his comment, I am far from perfect. I just don't blog about my faults. That doesn't lift me up and right now I need to write things that uplift me. 

I choose to work on my weaknesses privately. I do not beat myself up for them. I am humbled by them. I am grateful for the humility they give me. I work on them. But honestly, I am sure that there are many I just will not overcome in this life. 

I keep working and trying to improve but I trust that Christ will make up for my deficiencies if I give my heart and will to Him. I repent everyday and pray for help to do better and I trust in the power of the Atonement. It is the only hope any of us have of achieving the perfection necessary to be in the presence of our Father.

As for being a pillar of strength and fortitude--Yes, sometimes I feel as strong as a rock. It is strength beyond my own. When I feel like this I go out in public. I call friends. I write strong feeling posts. 

But there are other times when I feel more like a puddle of tears than a pillar of strength. Last Friday was a day like that. Just before writing my post that day I had spent nearly an hour in my bed huddled in the fetal position in gut wretching sobs feeling completely incapable of dealing with life and wishing I could crawl under a rock and disappear. It wasn't pretty. 

My husband laid by my side trying to cheer me up and comfort me. He worried about what happened to make me so sad. What had triggered this? There is no trigger. Sometimes the dam just overflows when a single drop of worry or stress is added to the lake of my life.

I am not always strong. But I always manage to remember where to turn for strength. And even in my weakest, lowest moments I know I have at least 3 very beautiful wonderful reasons for pulling myself up out of that bed and going through the motions of living until my heart feels alive again.

Okay now for the sensitive nerve: Inadequacy. 

Warning: Soap box magically appears. 

I know how many women there are out there who feel unnecessarily inadequate. It is time we all realize that this is a tool of the adversary to depress our spirits and dim the light of our true Divine Nature.

When we approach the judgement bar of God, He is not going to judge us as compared to our sister or brother. 

Remember the parable of the talents? We are all given different kinds and numbers of talents. It is totally unimportant how many or which talents we are given. What is important is how we use and improve upon those talents. 

As one of the commenters responded -- It is not as important where you are in your spiritual progression as which way you are headed. Life is about becoming like the Savior. We must only look at our life and ask ourselves, "Am I living my life to become more like Christ?" If the answer is "no," we must repent and work to turn around and head in a more direct route to becoming like Christ. If the answer is "yes, but i feel I will never get there," then we pray for hope through the atonement.  

There is an epidemic lack of self esteem in so many women, young and old, in our day. Woman was the Father's ultimate, most complex, and beautiful creation. We ought to better appreciate the work on His hands. Can you even imagine the power for good the women of the world could be if they all had a perfect understanding of their true Divine Nature?

I know the Lord loves us even more than I love my own children. He knows us far more intimately. He wants us to feel that love and know how precious we are to Him. He wants us to do our very best to live the commandments and become more like Him. 

If we are not living the way we should, we need to let those feelings of guilt work in us to motivate change and a new resolve to be new creatures. If we are trying our best, we need to accept that our weaknesses give us essential humility and know that our offering of a broken heart and contrite spirit is acceptable before the Lord. Jesus Christ's atonement will make up for us what we lack.

The Lord is the only true source of self esteem. When we know the Lord accepts us and is happy with our offering, the world's, our peer's and our own assessments of ourselves are unimportant.

I pray that we all can seek to align our lives with the Lord enough to feel his acceptance of our offering.  In that acceptance comes the peace that prevails through the horrors life can throw at us.

Fasting

A gastronomical feast waiting for housewarming guests

The first Sunday of the month in our church is called "Fast Sunday." Those who are medically able go without food or drink for 24 hours and then give the money they would have used on that food and drink as an offering. These funds are distributed by bishops around the world to feed the hungry and provide for those who are needy. They are separate from tithing funds which pay for the buildings and temples and the "bills" to run the church itself. Fast offerings are specifically earmarked to go to those in need.

I learned about this system when I was a small child. I think it makes great sense. It is a very practical way to provide for those who are unable to provide for themselves. And each month I have done my part fasting and donating to help those in need. 

Other times in my life I have fasted for a different purpose. I have traded my gastronomical feasting for spiritual feasting. I have fasted to draw closer to the Lord and gain spiritual strength and understanding. I am not sure how the laws of science would explain the effects of fasting. But fasting does have a positive spiritually empowering effect on me. 

Coupling the fasting with scripture study and prayer fills the soul with a well appreciated spiritual feast. The spiritual hunger pains are satisfied and new understanding and enlightenment can grow. 

A very few times in my life I have felt I was losing it. I am not sure what "it" is but I have been close to losing "it" a few times. Those times I have fasted long and hard with a spirit seeking the strength to survive. Each time I have found what I sought. Recently, I have been fasting ... more frequently.

There is something about depriving your physical self of something it greatly wants that strengthens the spirit within. It is a ceding of control to the spiritual rather than the physical.

I love the strength I feel towards the end of my fast when I have overcome the hunger pains and feel totally in control of my own being. I feel as if I can overcome the sorrow. I feel as if the pain in my chest will subside just as the hunger pains did. I feel closer to the Lord and more receptive to His love and His teachings. I feel closer to my sweet Camille. I feel strong. I feel clean. I feel ... happy. 

Song

Many have asked about the song "That Glorious Day" by Shelley Murley. 

Shelley wrote me and told me she is planning to use Camille's song in a compilation of songs she has written to help share the love of the Savior with people through their darkest hours. So it will eventually be made available to the public. 

If the anonymous J commenter wants a copy, she can email her request to Miss Molly. Her email is in her comment. Or you can just play it off the blog post.

She has some children's songs to teach them things like the days of the week etc. on itunes. You can search under her full name to find her.

I will let you know if I get any further information about when Shelley will be making that CD of inspirational songs she has written.

Hope that answers your questions.

Learning to Walk

Sabrina with Me holding Camille up.

Seven weeks. Seven weeks ago tonight was the hardest night of my life. It was the first of many days and nights that redefined the word "hard" for me. I feel like I should be more functional than I feel after so many weeks. Still, I feel partially functional at best and sometimes, I feel totally nonfunctional. 

Today I have been fighting the "if onlys." I woke up to the pounding of the construction workers building the house next to us.  If only they had been building the house that day ... they have a great view of our backyard. 

If only the rest of my life were smooth sailing, I could handle the burden of this loss. If only my kids always obeyed. If only we could retire today and not have to worry about making money. If only I could focus enough to figure the bills. If only I didn't have to live in the real world full of real everyday issues, then I could shoulder this cross better. Maybe then I could learn to walk without falling down.

In the first month, I was carried quite literally through this. I could feel the presence of heaven so strongly in our home. As time wears on, the veil grows thicker and I have to start using my own two feet to walk this road of life. 

For so long I carried my baby girl Camille. 

Now it is she who carries me.

I marvel at the Pioneer women who lost their babies along the trail and had to leave them in shallow graves by the wayside. How did they do it? How did they bear such sorrow? The answer is faith. Their faith caused them to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk on. One step at a time, mile after mile they walked. Every step taken in faith. Every step taking them further from the remains of their little one. Every step taking them closer to Zion. 

I hope I can pull myself together better and follow their example. I want to be able to pull my own weight and walk even when the road slopes uphill. I am grateful for so many whose love lifts me in the hardest hours. These are the helping hands that steady me as I learn to walk again.

This has been a day of laughter and tears. My husband thought no one would respond to my last post. I am so glad he was wrong. The funnies have helped me dry my tears today and put a smile on my face. Some of my favorites were the two about the autistic kids and the you tube clip of The Office Jim pranks. Jon has also been enjoying the funnies. Thanks.

  

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Camille doing her circus trick with Dado

I love to laugh. Who doesn't? I was writing to my friend Britt today, whose son Daxton is with Camille. They returned Home within a week of each other. In my email, I noted how serious I sound in my writing. I guess I am serious as opposed to silly. Jonathan is the silly one in our relationship.  But I do think I am kind of funny in person. Well, at least I make myself laugh. I just haven't had so much to laugh about lately. 

I am needing a good laugh or two. So this is a call for good CLEAN (G rated) jokes or funny true stories. I will start by sharing one of my all time favorites of each. First a joke: 

One night I had a dream that I died and went up to heaven. I was in line to enter the pearly gates and there behind me was my good friend Bob.  I got up to the front of the line and there was St. Peter waiting for me. He took me in and said, "Stephanie, you have done some good things in your life and some bad things. You can come into heaven but you will have to pay for the bad things you have done." I admitted my weaknesses to St. Peter and agreed to whatever punishment needed to be taken. Then he opened a door and in walked the ugliest most annoying guy I had ever seen. I was embarrassed even to look at him.  St. Peter introduced him as Chuck. He then said the two of us were to walk arm in arm together for eternity. I cringed at the thought of my punishment. Chuck shyly walked over and took my arm in his and off we went. 

A while later I saw my good friend Bob walking along. Now Bob and I had some good times in life together and I knew him pretty well. Imagine how surprised and upset I was when I saw Cindy Crawford on him arm. I headed directly for St. Peter to complain. "What is the deal?" I asked. "He was just as bad as I was and he gets Cindy Crawford?" St. Peter looked over at Bob and Cindy and put his arm around me. Then he gently whispered to me, "Don't you think that Cindy has to pay for her sins too?"

Now for a true funny story: My Grandma Harris was always a source for great funny stories. She lived to be 99 and had pretty severe dementia in those later years. The older she got, the less inhibited she became. You just never knew what crazy thing she was going to say. 

One day when Jon and I were just friends I went with his family to help them do baptisms for the dead at the temple. We walked into the baptistry and there in one of the pews was my Grandma. She was about 96 at this time.  I was shocked to see her and went over and gave her a hug. Then I introduced Jon and his mother Kathleen to my grandmother. My grandmother took Kathleen's hand and pulled her down to her face. 

"OH NO!" I thought. "What is Grandma going to say to her?" Leave it to Grandma Harris to say some crazy thing in the Temple. Grandma had Kathleen pulled down so that she looked like she was whispering into her ear. I saw Kathleen's face get a sudden shocked look and thought, "Oh no. Now what has she gone and said?" 

"What did she say?" I timidly asked my still shock faced future mother in law. 

Through a polite but puzzled smile she simply replied, "She bit me!" 

"GRANDMA!!!" I said quietly but with great embarrassment. 

"What?" said Grandma. "I wanted to make sure she didn't forget me. Now she won't."

Yes. I am sure my mother-in- law will never forget Grandma Harris. None of who knew her and loved her will either. This story makes great fun with my nieces and nephews when I tell them the first time my grandma met their grandma my grandma bit their grandma.

Okay, your turns. Let's have a bit of laughter tonight. Things have been way too serious. I need a little of the Best Medicine. I am looking forward to some funny comments. 

Thoughts on Suffering

After reading a comment by an angry Anonymous reader (see half way through Glorious Day comments), I have a few thoughts to share. These thoughts are for all who suffer.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is one of restoration. Just as the fullness of the Gospel that Jesus Christ taught while he was here on the earth has been restored in this day and age, so shall all losses be restored to us in due time. The quote on my last post by Elder Maxwell illustrates this point. Any suffering we do in this life creates a cavity in our soul. The Lord will restore wholeness to our soul and fill that cavity with joy in His time table. 

I don't know the Lord's time table. I don't know what happens to miscarriages and still born babies. I can't imagine a baby who dies in the womb at 40 weeks before being officially "born" is any less of a loss than the baby who dies after taking one breath. And man's definition on what is "stillborn" and what is miscarriage is only some decision made by a bunch of men. What do they know about life in the womb?

Part of the reason we are opposed to abortion in the church is because we don't know when life begins. As far as I know, there has been no revelation to inform us exactly when "life" begins. Because we don't know, we err on the side of caution and oppose abortion except in extreme circumstances. 

My point here is that the gospel is a gospel of restoration. Think about the word RESTORE. Any pain we suffer, any loss, any heartache, they all will be made up to us if we live faithful and turn to the Lord. We must consciously choose to follow the Savior in order to secure these blessings. If we suffer, we must suffer in humility and patience submitting our will to the Lord even as Jesus did in Gethsemene. 

If we have sinned or just screwed up, we must seek the Lord's forgiveness through the Atonement and bear the consequences of our mistake. He can make those consequences easier to bear if we turn our heart fully to Him. Trust me. I know on that one. 

Some consequences we can't change. Sin can be wiped away and made totally clean but consequences often stay with us a lifetime. We live the rest of our lives bearing the burden of our consequences and helping others to avoid similar mistakes. Then one day the Lord will remove that burden and restore us to whole. 

Who knows? Maybe those of us who have lost babies in the womb will be pregnant in the millennium and able to birth our children and them raise then. I don't know. I just know that all the sorrows of this world will be made up to us if we live faithful and follow the Savior. 

I trust the Lord implicitly and know that he only allows us to suffer the minimum amount of pain essential to bring about His great Work. See Elder Scott's talk HERE. 

I also know that even when it feels like no one is there for us, if we ask, the Lord will always send us help. Most of the time that comes in the form of other people. When other people are unavailable or insufficient, unseen hosts of heavenly beings will be rallying around us to help us though our most personal pains.

To that anonymous commenter: I send you my love and sympathy. You are not alone. Countless number of women have, do, and will suffer the same feelings of loss that you are now experiencing. This club of women support you and know your pain even without knowing your name. 

Your ancestors before you know your loss. They know your heartache. If you will allow yourself to feel the hurt rather than the anger, they will be able to attend to you more fully. Angels are best able to soothe the wounded soul that is submissive.

As for your husband situation--Be the best example possible of the Love of our Savior and the hope that He gives us. Find that hope and then let it emanate though you. Live worthy of the Spirit and follow it. The Lord will make all things right in the eternities. If we live up to our own temple covenants, we will not be held back by the choices of others.

I recommend reading THIS STORY.  I ran across it years ago while preparing for a Relief Society lesson. It illustrates the fact that anytime we suffer we literally become more like our Savior.

If you want to talk more privately, you can email Molly and she can get you my email address.

May you feel the love and prayers of those who DO stand by you both on Earth and in Heaven, including mine.

Boycott?

Okay after last weeks results show, I am ALMOST wanting to boycott SYTYCD. Well, almost. I am definitely voting this week. 

Party is still on at my house at 8:30. Treats will be yummy, not quite as yummy as Elizabeths homemade orange rolls but still yummy. See you there.

That Glorious Day

Last week I got an email from a lady named Shelley Murley. She is a friend of my sister and other friends of ours. She is the mother of four and on the side she is a song writer. In her email, she told me that our mutual friend told her about me and she has since been reading my blog.  

She wrote, "One morning as I read your beautiful words in your blog titled "Breathe" almost an entire song quickly formed in my little head.  It wasn't until you wrote "Blame"  that I was able to completely finish it."

I got this email just as I was coming down from last weeks high. Shelley's email continued, "After many gentle promptings, I decided to record the song this morning. I am in no way a professional singer (I usually use talented people for that job) but this time, I wanted you to have a song today. I know with all my heart, that you will one day be with your sweet Camille again, and it will be a glorious day."

I too know that day will be glorious. I think Shelley has a lovely voice and it is perfect for the song. Thank you so much Shelley. This song gives me peace and hope. It expresses my feelings all too well. 

Please enjoy the little movie/slideshow I made to go behind the song and you may want to grab a Kleenex before you watch. 

"The cavity which suffering carves into our souls

will one day also be the receptacle of joy." 

Neil A. Maxwell

p.s. I better have a kiddie cup drawer in my mansion in heaven.

Winner! Winner! Winner!

This is what I saw on my blog's stat counter yesterday when I went to go post. I took a photo of it because how often are you the 150,000th hit on your own blog? 

All I want to know is... 

What do I win?  

I feel like I am coming out of a fog that has hung over me for about 5 days now. I hope this break in the weather holds so I can be a more fun host for my guests. It is hard to be "present" when the fog sets in.

In Vain

Camille Kathleen Waite

"Dear Father in Heaven," I begin my prayer. I am on my knees, alone, in my closet. I offer my thanks for how greatly the Lord has blessed me in my life. I enumerate many of the blessings for which I am particularly grateful at this time. No matter how low I feel, there are always blessings from the Lord. There is always gratitude in my heart when it comes to the Lord.

"I am grateful for the Atonement of thy Son," here I pause with the name of the Savior in my mind hesitant to voice this name. The emotion of true understanding washes over me. I am addressing the Father of our Savior. The Father of He who suffered for me- because of my sins. I am about to say the name of the Son who died the most painful death of all deaths that I might live. He put aside His will and suffered the weight of all mankind's sin and sacrificed his own life to pay the price of justice and break the bands of death. And here am I, one who contributed to His pain, about to speak His name to His Father ... and mine.

I know the grief of a parent watching his or her child die. I know the tenderness of a parent's heart and the sacred feelings attached to those children whose lives are cut short to fulfill the greater purposes of the Father's plan. Their names are sacred. To me, Camille's name is sacred. I speak it and want it spoken but only in respectful ways. 

At this moment in my prayer, just before I speak the name of the Savior, I know the Father feels the same.

How often is the name of our Savior spoken with disregard, disrespect and even in anger? I can't begin to explain how it would make me feel if someone spoke Camille's name is such tones. Imagine the most sensitive part of your soul, that which is most dear to you, being desecrated. 

In an instant, in the middle of this prayer in my closet, I better understand the Lord's commandment in Exodus 20:7 "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain."

I thankfully have never uttered the sacred names of deity in ways that I would now regret. But, I will never speak His name, the name of my Savior, the Author and Finisher of my faith, the Son of my Eternal Father, the same again.