Saturday, February 21, 2009

And the Wave Passes

Thank you all for your support. Thursday was a rough day for me. Somedays as a mother are not so fun and when you have a child taken from you, those days become drastically more difficult. I spent the night confused and crying. I knew I had been fair and just in my mothering. I had done what I should do. But why then should I feel so terrible?

I guess it just just hurts more to see my children suffer, especially when they have suffered so much already and especially when I have to be the one to dole out the consequence. Add to that that how much my little Ann Marie reminds me of Camille and it is like a perfect storm of emotions brewing. 

Late Thursday night I crept into check on Ann Marie and found her awake with eyes like mine,  swollen with tears. I crawled into bed with her and through silent tears in the dark I told her how was sorry it had been such a hard day for us. I told her we would make tomorrow a better day. We would both work together to make it a great day for both of us and we would just forget about this day and the mistakes made.

After a bit I left and crawled into Camille's room and wished I could say the same words to her. I wished that the consequences of that day so many months ago were not so permanent. There is no way to make it all better tomorrow or tomorrow or tomorrow. 

I finally went downstairs and wrote my post, distracted myself with some mindless TV and finally felt sleepy enough to fall asleep. I slept little and woke up still "leaky." It is funny how I can feel better and not really be crying anymore but as if my body hadn't quite gotten it all out my eyes still leak. 

It turned out to be a wonderful day with my sweet Ann Marie. We just threw Thursday away and made Friday the best day we could. Support from you all and tulips from my dear friend Cat helped so much for me to make Friday a better day even though the source of the pain is so permanent. Thank you for that. 

I hope for a long string of better days, and I so appreciate the continuing support I feel from all of you. 


Michelle said...

My heart is with you & your family!! Give your kids an extra hug and lovin' from me!!

Our Heavenly Father loves you and is mindful of you and your sorrow. you are a stong woman--keep reminding yourself of that!

kathryn_m said...

Stephanie, I think one of the toughest but most important parts of parenting is setting limits and then consistantly following through with the consequences of over-stepping them.

It often hurts our hearts to have to do so but all youngsters need to know their boundries and that consequences will be there each and every time. It helps them feel secure and loved.

Kids have an innate sense of justice - they know when they do wrong. Discipline helps relieve them of the burden of guilt for inappropriate behaviors. They need to know that we are their safety net when they wander from the road we want them to travel.

My (now) adult children have told me that they felt a sense of starting with a clean slate following a spanking or other justly due discipline. They knew, as you have demonstrated, that "when it was over, it was over"! They have said that the worst part was if there was a delay in their "relief".

I would imagine that in your situation it might be easier to overlook some misbehaviors but I know, and so do you, that doing so would be a disservice to Annie -- she needs to know that your word is good in all things -- everytime.

Having children with disabilities sometimes complicated these matters for me. I had to make extra sure they knew the "rules" and the consequences of breaking them. My husband, in his wisdom, sometimes had to remind me that we don't hesitate to give our children medicine however foul-tasting it might be.

Looking back at my own childhood, the only spanking that stands out to me is when I was mistakenly accused. Interestingly, it is also the one my sister, who was the actual culprit, remembers.

My father, upon realizing the facts, apologized for that error but not for the spanking which had been otherwise judiciously administered. Being the rascal that I was, I (unsucessfully) bargained for a "get out of jail free" card. I so admire my father's constant love of me.

You are a strong woman who has demonsrated Christian parenting as is described in the Book of Psalms.

Sorry for the ramble but I hope this brings you comfort.

love 'n hugs,

Susy said...

DO you know how many women you touch. Even if we have not felt the same pain as you. You inspire us to go on with our day. When we have bad days and remind us what we have through your beautiful writings! I want to personally thank you for all the days I read your uplifting posts and thank you for letting us in your life, through this thing we call blog! Have a great weekend...

Kr!sty said...

Ditto to every thing said. I'm glad you found your rainbow :)

Amanda said...

I can't tell you how many times your words have resonated in me. How many times your posting have so accurately echoed my thoughts and feelings. How many times I've read here something that helped me thought my day. I'm more happy than you know that I was able to make you feel even one iota better when you were aching.

You encourage and inspire so many women to be better, stronger people though your open and completely honest communication of your feelings. You are one of the most amazing women I've ever met.

Bless you.

Noorda Notebook said...

yay - i'm happy that you're feeling a little better. you're such a good mom. how sweet of you to go snuggle with annie late at night. i just went into coop's room and found him fast asleep with all the lights on and his motorcycle in his hand. i know what you mean about feeling so much love for your kids! kids can be trying at times, but there are those other times when i look at my boys and feel so blessed and so much love for these 2 sweet spirits in our home.

Bacardi Mama said...

I'm so glad that Friday was better for you. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Robin said...

Your doing fine - try not to be too hard on yourself. I can tell by the light, and the magic in your girls eyes that they are happy and they know you love them. We all have hard days that leave us wishing we could have a "do over". You did the right thing - you and Anne Marie erased the day and moved on.

Rhonda said...

Thank you. Beautiful. Your children will love you and be eternally blessed by your great example. said...

i hadn't checked your blog since wed. I am sorry you had a rough day. i hope you are feeling better now. tell your girls hello for me. love you.

kathryn_m said...

Whoops - I meant to reference Proverbs not Psalms.

I hope you all are enjoying the day.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad Thursday was a bit better for you, Stephanie. I was thinking of you.



bills said...

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who has bad days...sometimes I wonder.


Kris said...

I have been following your blog as well (I have a little boy who shares Camilles birthday) and would like to leave you a little story. Years ago, in middle school, a friend had a small family plot in the woods near her house. We had found it, it was old, and not in very good shape and we worked at repairing it. One stone had an enscription that was caked with mud. We painstakingly spent many hours there scraping the mud out with twigs. Finally, one day, we were finished and what it said is still burned in my memory, it touched me so. It was for a small child:

A precious one from us has gone
A voice we love is stilled
A place is vacant in our home
Which never can be filled.

I hope it touches you as much as it does me.

Micaela said...

Children are so sweet and so forgiving. What a blessing it must be for you to have a daughter like Ann Marie that you can share emotional moments with. I am glad that I can 'hear a smile' in your posts again. Take care